Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered 4/29/2020

illusion_believe · 2020-05-06T15:01:02+00:00

When do you start discussing finances (where to invest, books on money, seminars to go , you money will be spent and valued in your relationship etc ) with your man ? I feel like this is wifey stuff no ?

Imagine helping him getting rich and see him leave you for a pickme he found on tinder 😩

stelladiver512 · 2020-05-06T01:03:16+00:00

I am new to FDS and I am so glad I found this community. Trying to value myself while dating isn't easy for me. FDS has made me realize that I send micro-messages to myself when I chose to pursue LVM and don't expect more from dating.

I have "let go" 2 guys since joining this sub, as I recognize bad behavior and red flags easier now.

Thank you to everyone who posts and keeps up the support.

ProfessionalDrawer2 · 2020-05-05T14:32:09+00:00

Hey guys - quick question I was about to have a date with a guy I got to know via OLD. I’m a medical professional and wanting not to compromise his health and spreading a disease, I asked him to wait until the current crisis has calmed down in our country( not the US). He accepted that, even though he brought it up a few times again and was attentive and pursuing in the beginning but began to „fade“ a little bit(not much though). He is currently working from home. He has initiated most contact. Last week I asked him to talk on the phone one evening. He didn’t have the time, I told him it’s fine and to just tell me when he has time. Since then he hasn’t contacted me once. My stance is not to initiate contact and to delete his number. What do you ladies think ?

anonymous_monkey2 · 2020-05-05T10:19:16+00:00

I have a friend who is all about getting "validation" from having sex with lots of guys, sending nudes etc. It's hard to explain to her I'm just so past being all hyper-sexual without her thinking i'm like prude or something. She was looking at me like I'm weird for not wanting to just outright start the ball with a sexual text to a guy who was complimenting me. As if it’s "bravery" for "just doing it first" :/

I dont want to look that thirsty? I know he knows I'm interested. I dont have to go over the top sexual? I havent sent nudes for years because I realised u get nothing out of it, and they get something for doing NOTHING. It's not about being ~free and sexual~

riotous486saturn · 2020-05-05T04:35:29+00:00

I'm so tired of women settling for shitty men. It's really pissing me off. I want them to realize the shit they're putting up with and leave so they can be happier, but they get super defensive of their LVM instead. It's exhausting. They're like "I love him, he's my soul mate and he's SO kind and PERFECT in every way, except for the part where he has bad character and no morals." The most recent example I've come across was a girl wants to help her husband hide the fact his brother is serial cheating on his wife and could possibly be giving her diseases without her knowing. But how dare I call out her husband as a horrible man for making her stay silent about it! I DoN't KnOw HiM! Well, girl, your gut tells you it's wrong because it IS!

Like... You are who you hang out with. If a guy wants to hang out and PROTECT people who don't have values or morals, it's because he, too, doesn't have values and morals. Absolutely disgusting. AND one of the other things she said was that he tried to turn it on her: "what if you were cheating on me and a friend told me about it?" LMAO! SUPER RED FLAG AND she of course said she'd deserve it, because she still has some kind of moral compass. Who asks that and genuinely expects someone to not want to have someone tell them their spouse is cheating on them? Horrifying. I feel so much sadness in my heart for these naive/brainwashed women who are with these low level guys. Why do they think they don't deserve people with good character? People with good morals who understand that being a good person means holding yourself and those around you to high standards?

Not only this, but on IG I saw a post about how women should "ask shy guys out" and I commented about how shy men WILL ask women they like out, because they do. Most of my male friends in high school were shy. They asked the girls they liked out. Was it painfully awkward? Yeah, but they did it. And then I got a whole bunch of men and pickmes flooding into my inbox to call me names because men are apparently useless creatures who have to be coaxed into a relationship. Apparently the most basic part of dating, asking a woman out, is "too hard" nowadays. LMAO. Most of these people weren't looking anything older than 15 based on their profile pics, so they'll learn, but GOD. It's frustrating to see them lash out instead of reflecting. I stopped replying after telling them they needed to love themselves.

uselesssdata · 2020-05-04T21:53:26+00:00

What triggers a man more: leaving his message on 'read' without ever responding, or not even bothering to read it and making it look as though it never was read?

This is someone who I mistakenly started to get a little invested in pre-FDS - he was calculated, shady and hot/very cold, and ghosted me all the time including mid-conversation via text. He had a bunch of weird games he would play (long story, but they were definitely games) and he'd leave me on 'read' all the time.

So, I realize this question is not fully "leveled up", and I'm not going to respond to him, but I want to ignore him in the most triggering way possible. He texted out of the blue on Whatsapp so I can either give him the 2 blue check marks and never reply, or let them stay grey for all of eternity and make it look like I never read his message. Whatever stings the most is what I want to do.

jcebabe · 2020-05-04T19:54:17+00:00

What is r/DarkTriadWomen sub about? In what ways does it differ from FDS?

illusion_believe · 2020-05-04T11:22:17+00:00

I was talking with my friend about how men can NEVER have no girl to at least talk to. As soon as their dream girl rejects them, they go back to the girls they ghosted. I’ve seen some male colleagues do that. There is nothing worst for a man than to have no one to potentially have sex with . They need constant validation. It’s very pathetic !

Same with those dealing with a break up, they put tinder back the same day.

This is why you should never take back a ghoster. He’s just coming back to you because he’s desperate for validation

honeybeeroll · 2020-05-04T00:08:55+00:00

I've never been in a situation before where I found myself not really into a guy, but he was a good guy and I liked him a little and I didn't want to outright ghost him. I'm also a coward so I didn't want to tell him the truth. Instead I tried to sort of friendly ghost him these last couple weeks, but after talking to a friend today, I was like I know, I've known I need to tell him the truth. So I did (that im not in a space to date rn, which is true, and that I'd like to be friends, if he's cool w/ that). He took it well and seems to respect my decision and would like to keep talking as friends. He said to let him know if anything changes but he understands if it doesn't. We'll see if he truly means that, I hope he does, but if not then it'll mean he's a jerk and I won't feel bad about ghosting him then lol.

Anyway I wanted to share bc I fucking hate conflict and I hate disappointing people and I'm afraid to tell people how I feel. And I also wanted this to work bc I never met a guy who sees value in having very few sexual partners in a lifetime and not having sex until several weeks or months in (told me this w/o my even asking when we met). But I'm just not that into him :(. There were also little things, like he knew to pay for my uber home, but never complimented how I looked or texted me to make sure I got home safe. A year ago I would've forced myself to make this work. Now I know I couldn't. In a way quarantine helped give me some distance and clarity to make this decision, and to realize I have 0 interest in dating. I'm just going to live my life, and if a guy bumps into me along the way, great! And if not, that's okay too, I have other stuff to do!

throwaway-786786 · 2020-05-03T23:11:24+00:00

Have any of you been to /r/whereareallthegoodmen?

It's such an infuriating subreddit.

They take the profiles of fat women or single mothers on tinder and publicly shame these women for having any kind of standard. It's disgusting.

It's like "I found this woman who has the AUDACITY to want a loving relationship after having a kid." Um, so you have a problem with a random woman asking for a relationship online?

What do they expect young single mothers to do? Just sit on their hands all day because their life is now "over" according to you?

I understand them not personally wanting to date a single mother with tattoos or whatever. Just don't date them then. Why are you making the effort of screenshotting an image, then posting it on a subreddit?

Go improve yourself and get you a normal, single woman in your age bracket who isn't a mom. There's a ton of them out there if you're willing to do the physical and emotional work. Why don't they get that? Oh right, because they don't want to do any work. They just want to laugh at random women online while sitting on their asses.

Here at FDS, we also post screenshots from dating profiles, but the guys we post about are totally disgusting and possibly dangerous. Like truly depraved. Whereas the women they post about may be a bit delusional, but they're not hurting anyone.

axl3ros3 · 2020-05-03T22:36:04+00:00

How do we FDS in the time of COVID-19?

Especially in the early stages.

Basically relegated to OLD and no where to go bc everything is closed.

How do you evaluate effort and investment when all we seem to have is texting.

How are we busy - everyone knows we are home. I mean I have things I do, work from and yoga and reading etc. I mean essentially he knows we are home. He knows I have my phone and I'm at home. We're ALL at home for the most part.

I'm just having trouble thinking outside the box I guess.

blessing-to-your-day · 2020-05-04T14:41:01+00:00

Is the feeling of love that important ? I’m trying to reconsider that feeling honestly. Is it over estimated ? Sometimes I tell myself that maybe I should just date/marry a high quality man that I deeply like not love. I feel like the feeling of love is exhausting me and making me think too much about the actions of the other Person. At least when I don’t love the guy and just enjoy his company, I’m never triggered by anything and I’m very detached .

Maybe I should look for someone that I deeply like instead of deeply love. I’m exhausted man

I watched videos of people in LTR and they all talk about “like” not love when they talk about their husband . (It’s normal since after the in love years, the intensity drops to friendship. Maybe this is what I should seek to experience peace in my relationships?. I’m very sick of thinking about that dude that I seem to love and wondering how things will evolve )

spikcicle · 2020-05-03T22:16:53+00:00

Hey all - posting here regarding my relationship of 2.5 years, both 25. Currently quarantining separately. Both of us work in a busy tech field and our hectic jobs start in the same city in June. I want to ask him to quarantine with me in our city for a week or two before we start, just for some us time, even though I know his personal time is really important to him. Is there a way to do that without sounding needy? Should I even bother? Part of me thinks that if he really cared he would want to come of his own volition or is that petty? How do I stay high value in this situation?

-k-s-m- · 2020-05-03T19:14:28+00:00

Feeling pretty trash after realizing this guy I was pretty into, wasn't into me in the same way. I stopped talking to him completely but he's still doing the social media background creep. I wish he'd either just say something or GFTO.

sunkissed_orange · 2020-05-03T19:05:55+00:00

Ladies on FDS, I was ghosted by a guy who I thought I vetted pretty well and for a good while already - he payed for dates, asked me out, showed constant interest, even prayed with me and my family, drove 40 minutes to see me in my city every date; we shared the same values (or so I thought). COVID-19 didn't stop his courtship, and I was impressed. At 1.5 months he said he wanted to "spend days and nights with me" and proceeded to call me pet names, but a week after this I clarified with him that what I wanted was commitment because I didn't want to waste time if I was going to continue to invest in this relationship. And he agreed, saying he also "didn't want to waste any time - I really like you." Then comes the following week where he proceeded to reschedule our meet ups, replying really late ( & me calling him out about it because I thought he was blowing me off or that he was in a date with someone, and him saying that no way, he really likes me and is really blessed to be in a relationship with me), with the next day further stating that he is in this relationship and not looking for anything else. Then he said he was going to call me on Thursday and ghosted me. I was obviously concerned, contacted him on Friday and then Saturday asking if he was okay, and then I had the crazy divine intervention to check his spotify and lo and behold he had made another playlist for another girl. Then I messaged him about it and then without contacting me deleted the playlist he made me! After this I proceeded to block him on everything because I was so hurt... WTF, he literally lied in my face, I tried giving him outs, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I cried over him, I questioned if I judged him too quickly but Never. Again. Never again - when someone really shows you who they are, believe them. It's been hard to stop myself from calling him asking why he didn't have the fucking courage to just let me know he wasn't interested but I'm proud to have stayed strong. I really owe my rebuilding of my self-worth and self-respect to my take-no-bullshit-from-shitheads friends, my mom, and the FDS community. Still working on getting over the scarcity mindset because I really liked him - he was tall, with family and faith at the core, hardworking, sweet during those times - but in the end I have to remember that his actions are inexcusable for how he disrespected me.

lival42 · 2020-05-03T18:34:58+00:00

“My love language is touch” Oh? That’s your first declaration on this? Of all the love languages to tout to a women you just matched with... not Acts of Service? ...not Giving of Gifts? No. Just the pseudo-self-help version of “muh peens”. 🙄 Boy bye!

cherryblossomkitten · 2020-05-03T18:10:47+00:00

Finally woman-ed up and blocked/deleted the scrote who had been breadcrumbing me the past month. Not sure what kind of spell he put on me because he drunkenly admitted to watching disturbing rape porn and wouldn't stop talking about his ex.

Goodbye and see you never

birthdaybutt · 2020-05-03T14:54:30+00:00

[deleted]

NaughtynSweet · 2020-05-03T14:03:27+00:00

I am new to and curious about this sub. I am in a relationship with someone who definitely seems to be a HVM for about one year. He basically taught me how I should be treated. I struggle with feeling as high value as I should however from time to time and would like to work on this. I have tried to keep myself busy with my own goals and life throughout and am a personal growth oriented person. I’m kind of feeling like my insecurity is due to needing more focus on physical fitness for me which would help any body image issues and my confidence. I also have counselling on an ongoing basis for my own emotional baggage and dealing with some life changes. Any other tips? Anyone else in this situation where they learned about this mindset after establishing a relationship with a HVM?

disposable_expense · 2020-05-03T05:51:24+00:00

I got dumped and feel awful. How to cheer myself up?

koala_22 · 2020-05-03T04:10:07+00:00

Hi ladies,

I’m new here but was hoping you wouldn’t mind sharing some opinions! :)

There’s a guy I’ve been speaking to, and he’s been pushing me for a date. He has a lot of really great qualities, but there are a few things I’m not quite sure about. Nothing major honestly, but little things that bug me personally.

Now I know that nobody is perfect, and that having quirks isn’t something that should disqualify an otherwise great person- my question is, how can you tell if someone is worth overlooking all those annoying/less-than-perfect things? And, what’s the difference between making something work, and settling?

Thank you :)

2020-05-02T23:36:12+00:00

[removed]

PsychologicalBeat2 · 2020-05-02T16:41:31+00:00

Here's a quick field report as I'm slowly getting back on OLD, but not physically meeting anyone.

Pre-FDS, if I matched with a guy and liked him, I would immediately stop looking for other potential dates and put all my focus on him, getting too attached without even knowing him, and would then unleash my pickmeisha supreme when he didn't treat me the way he was supposed to because I was simply too invested in a fantasy version of him.

Now, I'm talking to several guys at the same time and I am so unbothered. Literally. I've never felt like this before. I'm having fun talking to them, but the crazy attachment is gone. I finally have the perfect dating blueprint and it feels so good to know what I'm supposed to do.

geoffersonstarship · 2020-05-02T16:29:46+00:00

Ran into an old flame on tinder. This guy broke my heart back in the day but I knew he had feelings for me. He was very interested and wanted to chat and skype often, but holy lord this guy is a flaming pile of red flags. 6+ years to complete a bachelor's, always stoned, inconsistent opinions, sexual comments, never said my name once, only "cutie", dumpd his ass yesterday.

What no one ever tells you is dumping LVMs is sooooo unsatisfying. They go straight for ego protection. Either way, not dwelling on it, just wanted to go out of my way to tell the story and say thanks to the sub for the confidence and screening skills.

wish_i_wasntavampire · 2020-05-02T08:44:14+00:00

Hey ladies, I need your advice. I think I might have to FDS a female friend out of my life.

We're childhood friends, that's why it's hard to just cut her off, otherwise I'd have already done it. The problem is, she treats me like a piece of shit. At first I thought the problem was me, and I'm being insecure over harmless comments. But right now I've levelled up a lot thanks to FDS, and can recognise that what she says is downright malicious and intended to knock me down a notch. (adding an example because related to FDS - I'm a short time out of a really long relationship and she asked if I'm seeing someone. I said no, and reasoned something along the lines of not really looking due to being busy with other things and not needing a man in my life RN, which is true. She just burst into this mean fake laughter and insinuated that I'm only saying it because I can't find a man?????)

On top of that, she literally doesn't listen to me (despite me being her therapist over various issues) and doesn't respect my time (changing plans last minute, not replying, not confirming whatever plans we've made then calling when it suits her and acting butthurt if I'm not available.)

What holds me back is knowing her for so long and giving benefit of doubt and maybe pity as well, because I suspect she's suffering from mental illness.Sometimes she's good, but most of the time, I just feel like shit after interacting with her.

throwawwhyy · 2020-05-02T06:32:45+00:00

I think of myself as a low value woman. And I am, because I have little hobbies and I am constantly obsessed with my body not being thicc, asymmetrical face etc. How to evolve? Are there any guides? I sometimes feel like I can find the information but I can't find motivation.

cherryddboo · 2020-05-02T03:39:57+00:00

Anyone else notice the Pickmeisha and LVM combo parodied in SNLs latest at home episode, the Melissa’s Big Date skit?

HoneyBouquet · 2020-05-02T00:19:41+00:00

I'm new to this sub, and it's opened up my eyes a lot to shit.

My LVM ex stalked me on Linkedin last week. He's blocked on pretty much everything.

Even when he made a fake profile of me with photos of me that he photoshopped (creepo alert), and called me on a private number till I had to file a police report - he doesn't get the message??

How can he dump me on the phone and then months later want to get my attention?

The last I heard (five months ago) is that he got a new a girlfriend 3 weeks after our breakup.

So pathetic...

duckfeatherduvet · 2020-05-01T23:55:09+00:00

[deleted]

uselesssdata · 2020-05-01T21:13:26+00:00

I've been binging on Marilyn Monroe movies lately and I absolutely love her. I haven't watched her movies until now.

I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like everything I've read about her my entire life has led me to assume she was some sort of untalented bimbo, undeserving of her legacy. As if she was just a pretty drunk who got lucky in show business, or something. That's how she's always been painted for my generation. But she is a Comedienne with a capital C. She was a woman who studied and respected her craft. I absolutely adore her movies so far.

troubleseemstofollow · 2020-05-01T18:33:54+00:00

A guy I dated last year and whom I haven't spoken to since June tried to FaceTime me last night. They all come out of the woodwork.

missamourcali · 2020-05-01T17:19:03+00:00

Am I overreacting?

I had a good date (proper social distancing) yesterday. He sent a few texts after, which I liked. I told him I enjoyed our time and I liked how he followed up right after.

He works nights. He didn't get my message until he got off. He's left me on read, and has spent the morning on the dating site where we met.

It's not about him being online, it's about not responding to my text first. I want to end things next time he does talk to me, but I'm not sure if I'm doing that bc I'm emotional or bc it's the right thing to do.

duckfeatherduvet · 2020-05-01T14:02:56+00:00

I was sussing out whether someone was worth my time or not, and then they lost interest in me when I was publicly in the middle of some drama that I wanted to be out in the open. I'm not shrinking myself for other people any more. If you're embarrassed that I won't protect the privacy of people who hurt me then I'm not interested in you. Byeeeee

Living your life true to yourself is the best way to weed out LVM

JennySaysGetLost · 2020-05-01T12:55:13+00:00

Hi everyone! I am wondering if y’all have any suggestions on a way to self-identify as an FDS lady on Bumble BFF? Can’t really think of a phrase

warinmymind94 · 2020-05-01T07:00:40+00:00

Got back on OLD... made $150 off some scotes when doing video chat dates. The first dude sent me money for a video date. We set up a time and day. I ordered food got dresses up and worked on my book seeing if hed call. A half hour went past the time. Then an hour. He finally texted me a "wyd" and I asked "what day is it" then I texted him a screenshot which had us discussing the time for the date and agreeing on it and said how do you forget about a date? Ots one thing to be stood up... but it's a new level of CLOWN to get skype stood up! Boom. Blocked.

2and guy seemed nice but then was starting to show red flags. He got the dinner and sent me a giftcard online. He also was running really really late. We start eating dinner over skype and he starts telling me me about his eccentric fashion tastes that his life goal is to live in a trailer and criticizing me for not driving down to see him. I said hold on I need to close my door, got up (so I was off camera) and quickly closed my laptop on the video call and blocked him. I couldn't take being yelled at for not driving down 60 miles one way to come see him in person and he just started attacking me over it.

The 3rd guy sent the money and we had a day in between the money sending and the actual date. It's the day of the date and he texted me saying his ex texted him. He told me that not only did he reply to her, but that he sent her a copy of his schedule so "she knows when to call me" and "my work is across from her house, I was hoping shed walk over and come talk to me while in working" .... at that point I had no words. I didnt say anything. Later on, he randomly texted me "dont worry about her. I just want to see what she wants. I love you." Again ignored this clown. I let the time come for the date, still didnt say anything to him, and I blocked him.

90860008 · 2020-05-01T03:56:57+00:00

Lately I’ve been feeling in a rut and lonely. I haven’t talked to many of my friends since quarantine started since a few are unresponsive and I just don’t want to bother them at times but something that is really bugging me is lack of male attention. I am trying really hard to change my previous mindset from before FDS and haven’t been talking or dating anyone this year at all. I’ve gone through periods without consistently talking to anyone but would still go on Tinder and stuff. Now that I am off apps completely and not talking to anyone I feel so bored. Anyone got any tips? (Besides focusing on my work bc I’m trying to do that at the moment to forget these feelings)

Chi_shio · 2020-05-01T03:42:41+00:00

Hi, newbie here :)

I met my bf before discovering FDS and I just can't find any LVM traits on him.. there's only one thing, that's bugging me and that is marriage.

We are together for about a year now and my plan is to marry him in max. 5 years (if everything is going well until then).

He doesn't like the idea of marriage.

I think it's because of his last relationship (8 years, then she cheated on him). I don't want to be just a gf forever but I could need some advice on this because just apart from that he is absolutely great.

Lightbeing999 · 2020-05-01T03:26:38+00:00

I was recently rejected for a fellowship. I was expecting to get it (my work experience and resume are strong, and I was a good fit for the program). When I read the rejection email, my initial reaction was “seriously?!”.

I realized just my reaction alone was a win. In the past, whenever I had been rejected, I thought “I’m not good enough”, and would feel desperate to prove myself.

Now, I know that I AM good enough. I realize that if someone, whether in a professional or romantic situation, doesn’t see my worth, they’re not worth my time. I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince someone that I’m valuable if they can’t see it to begin with.

Honor the people who honor you, and forget the rest!

throwaway-786786 · 2020-04-30T23:42:08+00:00

For those of who have been able to see the progression of a typical fuckboi, what does it look like?

I'm in my mid-20s and a lot of guys my age are still in the "sow my wild oats" mindset.

But... what happens to these physically attractive, manipulative guys as they age? Do they settle down in their 30s (as the story goes)?

honeybeeroll · 2020-04-30T22:42:58+00:00

I had a really cathartic moment yesterday. I have been hating myself a lot for the past couple years for a variety of things, mostly for being a moronic pickme and acting horribly and losing friends who were very dear to me.

My boss yesterday told me I seemed well versed in a topic and wanted me to lead a project. I thanked him but noted I wasn't properly trained in this, but had poor experiences at my old company so I know what to improve upon. He was like yeah but you're very smart, as I've noticed. And I was like aw thanks and then idk I started bawling about it later bc for years, all I do is focus on my failures and berate myself all the time for being so fucking stupid.

I wrote a long thing yesterday about it and it was so cathartic. In recent months I have been better but it's still hard all the time. I'm not stupid tho, nobody thinks that but me. I have hurt others in the past which was inexcusable and I will always feel guilty about it, but if I feel stupid and horrible all the time I'm just going to become a pickme again, in all parts of life, and make hurtful decisions again. Not doing that anymore.

MiddayScroller · 2020-04-30T21:09:03+00:00

I miss my ex so much. Is there a high value way for me to get him back? We broke up because he got a job in another state and pushed me away by being rude.

o-no9 · 2020-04-30T16:35:58+00:00

I’m currently in a relationship with someone I believe to be an extremely HVM - he meets all of the criteria except some (not all) of the financial guidelines. Am I welcome to comment about my relationship, should it ever be applicable, considering this? I wouldn’t encourage anyone to seek out a relationship with my specific set of circumstances, just to be clear, and I fully agree with expecting a partner to be completely financially stable before entering a relationship in basically all cases but mine.

Annxsteff · 2020-04-30T15:28:41+00:00

I did it today and i feel soooo much better now. Thanks for the advice! ❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

ilike2snap · 2020-04-30T14:39:54+00:00

I have two questions: does FDS have a political affiliation? I see a lot of posts saying derogatory things about “libfems,” and I’m wondering what they mean by this or if there’s an official party platform. Also, what does this group think of Matthew Hussey? I used to listen to him a few years ago and found him helpful but it was before I found this sub. Thanks for the info!

missamourcali · 2020-04-30T13:14:30+00:00

Do I ever lose my at risk flair or is it permanent?

(It's technically accurate rn, but just curious)

cellard00r18 · 2020-04-30T11:17:49+00:00

I broke up with my bf of 2 1/2 years and he and his kid moved out. I felt like I was more motivated in life than him and that he was not hustling to get what he wants. I made twice his pay I’m 24 he’s 28. Sometimes I’d split on food with him and I hated it :/. Him being a beta male (low value male?I’m new) just affected a lot of things. Im sad about it though. It’s a month later still feeling the heart break. I need someone on my level and I’m trying not to date until I can present my best self and cut off my ex entirely which will be hard. Cause right now I’m bitter and friendless (well I have a lot but they all live in different states).

potatotatto · 2020-04-30T11:13:53+00:00

First off let me just start by saying that I really love this sub as it has opened my eyes to how I should set up more boundaries and protect myself more rather than give in on first time. I have been reading each chapter of the handbook one by one every night and everytime it would bring me back to my exes and highlight toxic behaviours I never noticed they had before as well as mistakes I never knew I made that jeopardised my happiness. I can’t wait for quarantine to be over so I can finally put what I learned into practice.

Now for my question:

I was just reading the dating rules bit about how to never ever pay for a bill and there was an extract where OP said: “I don’t care how many dates you’ve been on, if it’s the first or fifth date, simply tell him that you’ll take care of the bill the next time you go out since you prefer taking turns since that’s more romantic [...] Of course, there won’t be another date. Delete him from the dating app and block his number.” Now the thing is I am the kind of person who hates eating with strangers because I like getting to know them and I become self conscious of my eating while I try my best to make good conversation. I’ve also never had a man take me on dinner dates before so I don’t really know how they work. Another thing about me is I hate having people pay for me in general especially if it’s something more expensive than a drink. I also don’t plan on only going on dinner dates due to my aforementioned insecurities about eating and so my question is: is it really that bad to be splitting the bill once in a while? Especially if maybe you’ve been seeing each other for a while and you’re close to the 90 days threshold where you’ve gotten to know each other to the point you’re comfortable in starting a relationship. And how do you go about agreeing for a mutual dinner spending if it is the case? Could you maybe agree with spending money on one occasional date for both of you to make it fairer/him feel appreciated?

Tl;dr: is it really necessary to never EVER split the bill if you’ve started to trust each other? & how do you go about agreeing to pay for the date once to make it equal/better for the other person so they feel valued?

Annxsteff · 2020-04-30T10:52:14+00:00

I met this boy on tinder, we have been dating for a month now and he made me think i had to actually beg for his attention, anyways.. i thought i could change his behavior but that's not true. I have to cut him off, i just don't know how to do it. He barely texts me, i need to start all the conversations, he never asks when we'll see eachother the next time, it's all on me. I also told him that those things are bothering me. he was like he needs some time to get to know me better.. but when i found this page and started reading.. i knew i needed to ditch him asap! I need some advice! 🤦🏽‍♀️❤️

Such_Plenty · 2020-04-30T05:59:38+00:00

Can't get over a dude I had a situationship pre-Covid.

It was a combination of bad timing (him leaving the country to study) and bad moves on my part (sex on the first date and being a pick-me in general).

I've discovered FDS since, blocked, deleted, haven't checked on him since end of January. Neither did he, what a surprise, geez.

Shit's hard.

Just wanted to vent.

raina6006 · 2020-04-30T04:38:35+00:00

I’ve been looking into “shit talking” and strategies pua or mgtow type men use to pick up women. Is there a a list on the tactics men use? I want to know to evade them. Lol

JuddHerpatow · 2020-04-30T02:02:24+00:00

First date--who drives to who? What do you do when a guy doesn't offer to drive to meet you?

VulcanSpaceSquirrel · 2020-04-29T19:10:38+00:00

I feel dumb because I like someone unavailable to me. All of my hormones are like !!!!! perfect mate !!!!! and I just keep redirecting my thoughts to improving my life. Which is working, and which I never feel bad about. But I still feel stupid for liking this person. Ugh.

wickedcherrybobomb · 2020-04-29T16:05:33+00:00

Did any of you have your first SO in your late 20’s? If so, I’d love to hear your personal journey and how you met. I could use some positivity and hope! Thanks in advance!

BarbarianGlamGnome · 2020-04-29T15:23:05+00:00

I love this sub a lot. But I feel like we have become a meme sub instead of a strategy sub. I have also noticed many pickme posts (by that I mean posts where they refuse advice or posts where the fds rules would clearly be enough info to leave the relationship) and comments. So it’s becoming memes/the relationships subreddit. I contributed to this a bit and have deleted those posts to help de clutter, I am very sorry for that. Sorry if that’s really controversial :(.

endlessgalaxies · 2020-04-29T13:54:01+00:00

I’ve been reading the book “Attached” and most my tendencies with (romantic) relationships align with the avoidant attachment type...anyone else also an Avoidant? If so, how do you go about dating/have you found happy relationships?

RA114926 · 2020-04-29T13:19:14+00:00

I’ve (27F) been dating a good man (28M) for the past 5 years. He is loving, successful, handsome and loyal. But we rarely have sex. I’ve tried open communication, seducing him, and encouraging him to seek professional help all to no avail. I feel all but fulfilled in that one aspect of my life. Is this a deal breaker?

topumasum · 2020-04-29T07:40:17+00:00

I've just been offered a modelling gig in Austria but I'm not sure. The agent (Female) reminds me of my ex narc female friend who warmed up too quick and stabbed me in the back.

ringaaling · 2020-04-29T06:52:17+00:00

So I feel dumb asking this but last year I reconnected with a friend from MIDDLE SCHOOL (I'm 24 now). He and I hadn't seen each other since but we met up and he took me out to celebrate (I had just premiered a project I worked on all year). We immediately got on really well. He paid for dinner, we were able to laugh and joke and poke fun at each other. I felt really comfortable and it helped that we were friends even from way back when.

We wanted to keep the night going so we decided to go out to a bar and we got some champagne and he would say stuff like I'm having a really good time. I ended up getting a little too drunk so he offered to let me wait at his place to sober up. So this is on me but while we were watching a movie, I held his hand and we ended up kissing. We stayed up all night talking before he had work the next morning.

Anyway... The next few days he would hit me up and I would go over and stay the night and we'd make out or get lunch and he always paid. He would say how fun it is being out with me, etc. And we NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER. Which was fine since I was enjoying his company so much and he didn't seem to mind either.

I REALLY liked him. And he seemed to really like me. But he was a bit of a bad texter... And one day things seemed to taper off a bit. I went on a trip so I was gone for a while. And I had some of his stuff to return and I messaged him about it and he asked if I was back from my trip and I said I just got home. And then nothing??? He didn't even want his stuff back I guess.

Now months later... I want to hit him up but I feel like an idiot even though our last messages were friendly! My friends say he seems emotionally unavailable but part of me feels it could be my fault for not answering either? This is so childish but I genuinely liked him and wonder what the opinion is on what I should do. I know I ought to just move on but dang.

throwaway23004345 · 2020-04-29T05:44:23+00:00

Has anyone watched “never have I ever” on Netflix? I am triggered being a 27 year old virgin brown woman lol

TheCrowsHaveEyesIII · 2020-04-29T04:52:09+00:00

I (36, F) found this community while surfing reddit, and I immediately felt like I have found the high standards dating community I've been longing for! Made my first reddit account for y'all too!

A friend of mine who is a feminist and all around good, sensitive person recommended The Rules to me years ago. I laughed at the time. But after a gutting break up (where this trash man literally made me do the emotional labor of breaking up with him, after he ruined my birthday trip by being emotionally abusive and forcing me to walk around on an injury and drive him around) I was sick to death of LVM. I got the "updated" rules book, and while a good chunk is kinda cringe, and definitely homophobic (they devote literally one paragraph to dating women), it changed my life.

I was finally getting laid when I wanted, and going on serious dates too. I got a new relationship with a HVPerson, and even though it ended, it was the healthiest relationship of my life. My lovelife improved 10 fold, but I had so few people to talk about it to who wouldn't be super judgemental. I told a lot of people that it is essentially advising women on how to navigate misogyny and build self esteem, which I respect immensely.

I may be dipping my toe back into dating (virtually, self isolating) in a few months, and this seems like the perfect place to brush up on my Queen Skills and self esteem. And re-enforce the lessons that helped improve my life. <3

level_up_always · 2020-04-29T03:59:27+00:00

[deleted]

magenta_mojo · 2020-04-29T03:47:16+00:00

[deleted]

goldfishgulag · 2020-04-29T02:13:29+00:00

Reposting in new weekly thread!

I used to be a totally deluded kinkmesha. Radical feminism changed that but it didn’t offer any replacement strategy for dealing with men, and as a woman who was already married to a man I didn’t feel like I had quite found my tribe in the general population of anti-porn feminists/radfems I was following and learning from.

Even tho I am already married, to a man I started dating at the height of my kinkmesha insanity (we long ago stopped all kink and stopped porn thankfully, but struggled to define our relationship without the toxicity), adopting an FDS mindset has totally changed my relationships with all the men in my life. Family, colleagues, bosses, and yes, the husband. We found our dynamic without replacing low-effort kink nonsense with mainstream patriarchal bs. Replacing my wishful ideology with acceptance of the reality of their sex and my situation has been the best thing I have ever done.

I am getting treated better and getting more of what I want in every social arena. My confidence has never been higher. I’ve stopped punishing myself in so many ways. Previous therapy for my own problems etc was focused on basic functionality and disregarded my wider goals, my marriage, etc etc. FDS has helped me take a wholistic view of my marriage and how I expect to be treated by everyone.

Probably sounds silly, but it connected the dots between my marriage, my confidence/ability to prioritize myself, and my journey as a feminist.

dormant_egg · 2020-04-29T02:02:55+00:00

The difference in my skin quality/complexion while single/spending time and energy on a man who seems to care about me versus while in a relationship with a literal sociopath is an unexpected bonus.

finalbosskitten · 2020-04-29T01:47:33+00:00

I know this is a slightly bit off-topic, but might as well shoot. So....I have a problem with missing people. Not even men, actually--just girls I used to be friends with years ago that because of life we had to go our separate ways. It's so bad that each time I remember them I just feel pain at them being gone instead of just appreciating the memories. I wish that I could still live life alongside them and do cool things with them. Sometimes I even have nightmares about missing them.

I don't even entertain thoughts of them at all on almost all days or look for pictures of them or events we went to together, but my attachment never seems to fade. I'd like to just remember them more joyfully. Maybe with tinges of sadness, sure...just not to my extent. I don't know why I'm like this. Is there any way to help myself not feel this way? I think it's a problem. Some of these girls I knew from when I was a kid--way too long ago. I don't want to care as much as I do.

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-04-29T01:19:16+00:00

[deleted]

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-04-29T01:01:56+00:00

I have always spoiled myself more than any man has ever spoiled me. I love loving myself and can see when I am not loved by the other person. So I leave.

I’ve thought about it so much that it may be my next “high standard”.

Title	Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered 4/29/2020
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	27
Comments	250
Date	April 29, 2020 12:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g9zocu/weekly_fds_chat_checkin_quick_questions_answered/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-chat-check-in-quick-questions-answered.692483 https://theredarchive.com/post/692483

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