I'm starting to think that finding a relationship is dependent only on your luck

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2025-01-03T21:10:57+00:00

If you apply luck broadly enough, it applies to literally any other scenario in life as well. Job depends on luck. Who you are born to, where, why that bee chose to sting you when you were 4 and left you with a lifelong allergic reaction vs. that other kid next to you, etc. are all matters of luck.

It's true that nothing is guaranteed, but some paths are statistically better than others. So while the outcome is luck-based, you'd still rather roll the dice 100 times looking for a 6 than only rolling once. I'm actually quite fond of a stats-based worldview, but once you transitioned to that model, the next step isn't to freeze and lament about luck, it's asking how to make the stats work better in your favor.

Cultural-Ad-8486 · 2025-01-03T22:31:37+00:00

It's actually really luck.

And it's not just about dating, it's about all areas of life. From the moment we're born to the moment we die, nothing in our lives is 100% predetermined. There's always a chance that things will go wrong. We're very weak at taking responsibility for our lives.

Romantically, too, many people who are unworthy of the good in life are unfairly given the relationships of their dreams. And those who lead righteous lives can die alone and be forgotten by everyone.

We can only use what we have and pray to Fortune for a blessing.

DietTyrone · 2025-01-04T01:02:20+00:00

This is ten percent luck

Twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure

Fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to learn the game

Particular_Oil3314 · 2025-01-03T21:05:04+00:00

It is a numbers game. Like a raffle.

But you can buy as many toickets as you can afford.

Make the most of yourself, understand what you want in a partner, learn good and effective communication etc.

LoopyPro · 2025-01-03T22:44:07+00:00

Luck is definitely involved, otherwise it wouldn't be a numbers game.

I've seen both sides of the bell curve. I've seen guys who had their shit together but still weren't good enough. I've seen guys who had, despite their serious shortcomings, no difficulty getting laid or getting into a functional LTR.

It is what it is.

G4M35 · 2025-01-04T02:29:40+00:00

Luck does have a role in ~~dating~~ life, denying it would be silly.

But... also relying just and only on luck would be silly as well.

And, when we see someone who has achieved more/better than use, attributing their successes to just and only luck would be silly as well.

Can we agree that "luck" is a combination of:

Being at the right place at the right time.
Preparation meets opportunity.

Therefore we can help luck by:

Being in many places, and often. For instance, is it a surprise than shutins don't have much luck in dating? I know that's an extreme case, but you get the point.
Be prepared by being a good-natured person, dressed for the occasion, be cool, don't be an a-hole.

When I was single (I am now happily married), I would try to be social enough, both in my personal life, as well as professional life. And in social settings I talked with anyone and everyone: male and female, old and young, pretty and fugly. I just wanted to have a good-to-great conversation. Some of the people would happen to be age-appropriate women, and we vibed "enough" to wanting to continue the conversation in another place and another time in the future. And some of those encounters would blossom into something "more".

My friends believe that I am lucky in the dating world, in the professional world (I have successfully switched career a few times, and switched jobs to better and better paying jobs), and in my studying (I am overeducated, with my college degrees with honors); but to me it's a function of hard work. The harder I work at something, the luckier I get.

Incidentally, now that I am happily married, I still talk to people in social settings, because that's just who I am. Wife knows, and she's amused by it. I live in NYC and - at times - I strike a conversation with strangers on the subway (not just everyone).

The exception that proved the rule: the way my wife and I met and got together? 100% pure luck. It was not meant to happen.

So, OP, if you want to increase your luck with women:

Do not follow the advice of this sub. Really.
Do not follow the advice of Romantic movies.
Do not follow the women in your life: mother, sisters, ex-girlfriends, women friends, and similar.
Do not seek women at all.
Concentrate on becoming an awesome human being:
- be healthy (yes hit the gym)
- healthy mind too
- don't be stupid; don't do drugs, alcohol in moderation
- don't be an a-hole
- develop a career that interests you and pays well
- develop hobbies and interests that interest you
- develop social skills, talk to people, hang out interesting circles (see career and hobbies/interests above), and have interesting conversations. Do not just talk with pretty women only (don't be thirsty; it shows, and it's a turn-off, LOL)
- develop your own sense of style, both in clothing (do not listen to male fashion advice on Reddit), and in lifestyle. Travel to interesting places.

Do all of the above, and like-minded women will notice you, and they will make sure you notice them too (they do it so well), and that's what attraction is all about.

I wish you a lot more than dumb luck.

Equal_Connect · 2025-01-03T22:03:58+00:00

I feel like theres a lot of skill to it. If you are attractive and socialize a lot you will have an easier time finding a partner or at least casual sex but looking good isnt really up to luck. Sure being born short sucks but gyms exist for a reason.

KayRay1994 · 2025-01-03T22:50:01+00:00

Most of it is right place and right time - of course, being more attractive, charismatic, put together, socializing more and so on set on yourself does undoubtably increase the number of opportunities you have, that’s undeniable, but most of it is right place right time. Like even some fat ugly dude could date someone tomorrow if all the cards come into place - of course, not all these relationships could be positive - but getting a gf or bf is 70% right place right time, 30% execution

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-01-05T12:13:28+00:00

It's not luck, it's called "mating intelligence".

Mating intelligence refers to the cognitive abilities and psychological traits that individuals use to navigate the complexities of human mating. It encompasses skills and strategies for attracting, selecting, and retaining romantic or sexual partners, as well as interpreting and responding to the mating behavior of others.

This concept includes both explicit cognitive processes, such as logical reasoning about mate preferences, and implicit processes, like the intuition and social skills involved in courtship and relationship management. Mating intelligence often involves understanding cues related to physical attractiveness, personality compatibility, social status, and reproductive fitness.

The term was introduced within the framework of evolutionary psychology and highlights the role of evolved psychological mechanisms in solving adaptive problems related to reproduction.

Sources:

Geher, G., & Miller, G. (2008). Mating Intelligence: Sex, Relationships, and the Mind's Reproductive System. Psychology Press.
Buss, D. M. (2019). Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind. Routledge.

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Bekiala · 2025-01-03T21:05:27+00:00

I mostly agree with you. Also a bit of luck to be a person who makes a good partner. You can only put on a act to "get" someone for so long before the truth comes out.

szclimber · 2025-01-03T23:10:44+00:00

No. Luck plays a larger role the less the odds of success. For average and especially below average men luck plays a massive role. For average women and high value men luck is not as important because abundance exists.

wtknight · 2025-01-03T23:45:38+00:00

No, I really think that it's a numbers game for most average men. The more women whom they communicate with, the more likely they will find one who actually is into them.

pence_secundus · 2025-01-04T01:54:44+00:00

More or less.

I've always been conventionally attractive for a guy, Ive slept with a large amount of women and had lots of casual encounters but finding a stable relationship was always difficult, even when I dated explicitly for that purpose.

You still need the basics like looks, charm and presentation to date but I had to sift through hundreds of women to find my wife.

According-Tea-3014 · 2025-01-04T02:37:53+00:00

It's luck or be attractive.

DecisionPlastic9740 · 2025-01-04T03:39:35+00:00

I'd say it's luck for the bottom ~80% of men. The men at the top don't need luck.

_weedkiller_ · 2025-01-04T04:09:36+00:00

I disagree.

Geography is a thing you rarely hear Red Pill men acknowledge as one of the reasons they can’t date. If you live in a sparsely populated place then you will encounter fewer people.

A lot of what gets us in to relationships or keeps us on the periphery is self-esteem issues. If you don’t respect yourself then you aren’t going to respect or believe someone who is attracted to you.

People are attracted to patterns from early relationships that are unresolved also.

Spirited_Cod260 · 2025-01-04T06:20:54+00:00

It's amazing how lucky hot guys are.

But seriously -- its about probabilities not luck. Hot guys get way more dates and, therefore, have many more women to chose from. Hot guys thus have a higher probability of meeting compatible women.

thegamer2192 · 2025-01-04T07:50:09+00:00

Well sure meeting people is ultimately a dice game, however relationships are not always.

I think removing agency from oneself is definitely more harmful than not. I personally spent little time looking for the perfect relationship and focused on building it.

By asserting that luck is the main factor you possibly hide behind faults. There are so many factors to why someone would choose or reject you, factors which you mostly influence even if u think otherwise.

KamuiObito · 2025-01-04T17:15:26+00:00

Its depends on what you have to offer. Women date up ONLY. And yes most of it iz all a whim..or who is the most beneficial.

Only men are capable of love fr.like genuinely and your mom ofc. No women sill love they can only zee USE in you essentially. They dont know how yo turn this off so yea.

HereToShowOff123 · 2025-01-05T05:52:09+00:00

You misspelled looks.

VapeJuiceMarmalade · 2025-01-03T21:56:03+00:00

I don't really consider it luck; there's no 100% match for anyone out there. You have to learn what you want, what you don't want, and how much of a mix of those things you can handle in a partner. I have met dozens of women that I would call "compatible," which to me is about 85% attributes I like and 15% that I don't. Over time, I've learned which of the bad traits are dealbreakers, and which of the good traits are valuable enough to compromise on other aspects. And I will continue to learn about those things, as the journey to find a suitable mate is primarily a journey about learning oneself.

The one time I found someone who was almost perfectly compatible, they turned out to be trans (and we had a great time for a few months), which makes me wonder if it's even possible to find someone who's over 90% compatible when they have lived their entire lives as women.

In conclusion, I think the trick is to learn your own desires, needs, and flaws, to better understand to what degree you match with someone. We must also accept that soulmates aren't real, there are nearly infinite different combinations and life paths you can have with different people, and nothing is forever.

Anonsfavourite · 2025-01-03T21:53:47+00:00

Ummmm ya this is for everyone 😅Even for women. I could've met a guy and he ended up being an abuser or I could have met a wonderful guy and he turned out to be the love of my life. Luck is a numbers game mostly. More numbers more luck probably. But even with greater numbers it doesn't guarantee good treatment. That comes down to luck too unfortunately.

Individual_Speech_10 · 2025-01-13T13:37:12+00:00

Yep. People can only do so much.

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IceWingAngel · 2025-01-03T21:05:44+00:00

I don't like to use the work luck as it carries a certain connotation that I believe is better substituted by the word circumstance. Otherwise, yes I woulda agree. There are ofc certain character traits and factors that multiply or significantly negate the greater probability for these circumstances, but that's just the "luck of the draw."

BeerNinjaEsq · 2025-01-03T21:08:52+00:00

It's absolutely SOME luck. But's it's definitely not ALL luck.

That's like saying any card game is all luck, when the reality is that you can make decisions to improve your chances with the hand that you are dealt. If you are dealt crappy cards, you have to take risks to improve your hand. And you can screw up a great relationship just like if you hit in blackjack when you are dealt two face cards.

Slutty_Mudd · 2025-01-03T21:12:29+00:00

More like chance, but yes, you are correct, more or less. It is a numbers game, but right now the numbers in your favor are at an all time low. There are small things you can do marginally improve your numbers (haircut, clothes, personality, etc.), and larger things you can do that will make a big difference (money, status, etc.). Problem is, the larger the change it, the harder it is to make, and can take a long time.

Outrageous_chaos_420 · 2025-01-03T21:14:09+00:00

Just gotta be at the right place, right time type shit..

SeperentOfRa · 2025-01-03T21:37:59+00:00

I got very lucky. Right place … right moment… right time. And found a gorgeous woman who tolerates my asperger’s awkward ass lol.

However, I was doing things that were interesting.

I was in a knitting club and that’s how we met. Like it’s more likely to happen if you’re out there doing stuff.

But, luck is most things in life. I randomly stumbled upon r/RKLB

It changed my life as an investment.

DapperDan1929 · 2025-01-03T21:54:27+00:00

You’re right. Same thing with maintaining one.

ThatBitchA · 2025-01-03T22:08:24+00:00

I suppose if you're lucky to socialize.

I had multiple men tell me that socializing won't get them relationships.

So, I guess if you think socializing isn't worthwhile, then it can look like luck.

When really, it's just socializing with others.

DoubleFistBishh · 2025-01-03T22:31:20+00:00

Yea it kinda is in a way

BigMadLad · 2025-01-03T22:42:48+00:00

I think luck is a big factor, but you could put yourself in scenarios and increase or decrease your luck. The main role of dating apps is that you’re actively looking and so may get lucky, versus if you are not on them it’s up to you to go out. Sure, could you randomly bump into someone on the way to work or at the grocery store, yes, but the odds are much lower than actively putting yourself out there.

A lot of times I hear this complaint it’s revealed The guy isn’t doing everything possible to put himself out there or increases chances. Reality is he’s not on dating apps, or not working out, or whatever else and therefore reducing his luck.

How often do you hear a guy strike out when he did literally everything possible? I would say the answer is never because you never hear a guy doing absolutely everything he could possibly do.

Any-Remove-4032 · 2025-01-03T23:05:27+00:00

The fact any of us exist at all is luck.

The problem starts when one doesn't bother trying at all because it's all luck based.

I don't believe in Winners and Losers. I believe its a spectrum. Like when I see american men complain that life is so unfair cause they can't get laid, its like, brother, you are living in a country where if you beg and make $2/hr, in 8 hours, you made more than a worker in some 3rd world country. Its all perspective and more people are luckier than they're willing to acknowledge.

Fickle_Friendship296 · 2025-01-03T23:08:47+00:00

Live your life. I cannot stress this enough. Life experience makes you more worldly, helps streamline your personal goals and keeps you from being terminally online, and thus limiting your window for growth.

mashedturnip · 2025-01-03T23:19:52+00:00

The data disagrees

AlmostKindaGreat · 2025-01-03T23:25:07+00:00

Almost everything in life has an aspect of luck.

The best person for the job will not always get it. The best team will not always win the championship. And so on.

Yet the people who do maximize the value they produce are usually more successful than the ones who don't, especially in the long run. This is true in romance as well.

And as with careers and sports, many things are outside of your control (genetics, class, race, family situation, life circumstances) and it's not "fair" that we are dealt very different hands. We just have to deal with all of this and do the best we can for ourselves.

Jetpine9 · 2025-01-03T23:29:22+00:00

Eh, I dunno. I'm a proponent of luck; you have to expose yourself to enough opportunities to find the one that's the right fit. But being attractive makes it so much easier to expose yourself to a large enough sample that the odds go up that one of them will be a very good one. Attractive people have to manage their opportunities, average people have to spend more time searching for them.

harmonica2 · 2025-01-03T23:30:12+00:00

This is what I think to. Did I get a gf because of luck mostly, or us it because of everything I put into my situation that caused it to happen?

this-is-very · 2025-01-04T01:03:21+00:00

You make your luck by putting yourself an elbow shove near her if you're smart about it.

DankuTwo · 2025-01-04T01:34:11+00:00

Almost everything in life is extremely luck dependent. Why would love be any different?

Fancy-Statistician82 · 2025-01-04T02:59:31+00:00

I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.

I think people are a bit like avocados. They aren't ready, they aren't ready, they aren't ready, and then one day they are perfect and you simply must make guacamole.

That's a bit of a bummer for people trying to turn it into an algorithm, but I think it's true.

Junior_Ad_3086 · 2025-01-04T03:55:41+00:00

it's obviously not dependent only on luck. if you are attractive you will have infinitely more options than a guy who's ugly. like how is that even a debate? sure, luck is part of it but it's not everything, especially not in the long run.

GKilat · 2025-01-04T04:19:14+00:00

You can call it luck or you can call it fate if you are a spiritual person. Either way, there is no point playing the numbers game. You will just to have to work on yourself to be the best person you can be and just go with the flow until you meet that person that is compatible with you. Too many people are focused on getting in a relationship that they neglect self improvement and their relationship ended in failures because of that.

ZoneLow6872 · 2025-01-04T04:28:13+00:00

What's the phrase? Something like "luck is when preparation meets opportunity. " Many things in life are out of our control, good and bad: our genetic gifts, where we are born, any disabilities we might have, etc. I've been with my husband for 30 years. We met in university, in the same major. BUT! He was married to someone else. I started college at another school in another major. Maybe it was luck or kismet or whatever that he got divorced and I changed schools and majors in order to meet him. But it took effort to be in shape and look good, it took time for us to really get to know each other, and it took work to overcome conflicts large and small.

All I'm trying to say is, maybe don't be so fatalistic about life. How old are you? What kind of experiences have you had? Maybe the best is yet to come. It won't if you've already given up.

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-01-04T08:49:33+00:00

Yes. But you should also be more active, so that you would have more "luck rolls". If you just sit at home and don't go out and interact with people, there will be a very low chance to trigger a "luck roll". So you need to trigger it as much as possible.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-01-04T08:51:54+00:00

Yes, you can meet the one by chance on the first try or not in 1000 tries. It's luck or fate.

But it's like with a job, it's still luck if they choose you, you might meet every requirement but by chance there is a candidate they like better or something. Bu if you never even repply to a job offer you are guaranteed you don't get a job.

So even though it's luck at the end you should still give luck a chance. If you lock yourself at home and don't try dating apps and anything there is no chance for luck to happen.

SayuriKitsune · 2025-01-04T09:34:34+00:00

It's luck and ability to not waste time with crappy people thinking you could change them or whatever

Ferfemto · 2025-01-04T10:51:42+00:00

Yes, dating is a lottery. And it should be treated as such. I mean, don't blow all your money on it, and don't throw away your lottery ticket before checking it.

S0yslut · 2025-01-04T12:08:01+00:00

Sometimes my husband and I talk about that because I had crushes and stuff before him but I was mostly settling. Finding someone with the perfect personality I envisioned was difficult and I almost settled for someone who was less than my husband.. I probably would have found happiness but I am thankful I found him in time. My husband also said finding an attractive woman with a good personality was difficult. So we both believe dating is a lot of luck.

sabrynekrystal1992 · 2025-01-04T18:36:49+00:00

Do women also need to be lucky to get a relationship( a good relationship)?

desiringyouall8 · 2025-01-05T09:08:26+00:00

I mean, there's an element of chance to it, yes, but that doesn't mean we cannot structure things in such a way to use chance to our advantage, like with what we do with hoppers and filters and the like.

Cast a wide net, and the odds may be better in your favor.

For most people, God doesn't pull the person they were meant to be with out of their chest.

Klutzy_Charge9130 · 2025-01-05T14:48:15+00:00

I think trying hard at anything will eventually make you look lucky. While I agree that there is an aspect of luck. We all need to put ourselves in the way of luck to experience it. Getting struck by lightning is proverbially rare. You can increase your chances in a million different ways though.

Mr_KenSpeckle · 2025-01-06T16:29:44+00:00

Luck favors the prepared. If many things in life are out of your control, all the more reason to master those things you can control.

Be observant of what situations are likely to be luckier, put yourself in as many of those situations as possible, and then be prepared to receive the luck when it happens. You must also recognize the luck as it is happening and not fuck it up.

As long as bad luck doesn’t kill you, good luck and bad luck tend to even out over the long run.

VWGUYWV · 2025-01-06T16:52:36+00:00

Partly

But it goes too far in people’s thoughts

For instance, I’m a bow hunter and I primarily hunt large bucks for the challenge

A family member that isn’t successful wants to act like it’s all luck to explain away their lack of success

It is always a good bit of luck

But let’s say with skill I can raise my odds on a given day from 1% to 5%

Still a lot of luck but over time my success rate will be 5X if we hunt the same amount

So it’s like black jack….but with card counting

newishDomnewersub · 2025-01-09T11:24:30+00:00

Luck is a big part of it but so is taste and the ability to put yourself out there and have a conversation without coming off as thirsty. But yeah luck won't help if you stay home every night.

missmireya · 2025-01-03T21:10:56+00:00

Is this a question for men? Because I can tell you as a woman- It's incredibly hard finding a relationship as well. Even if you are attractive. I think in some ways it's worse, because you are only seen as an object and not as an actual human being.

I could easily find no strings attached sex but that's not what I want. Additionally, it's harder trying to weed through the men who blatantly lie about wanting a relationship, when all they're after is sex.

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-01-03T23:06:35+00:00

That’s not true instead of being lucky someone can also be a woman.

waffleznstuff30 · 2025-01-04T01:03:27+00:00

No argument. Hard agree it does fall down to luck. It's like finding a good job. All the control you have is on you. How you conduct yourself,.your boundaries you set, your standards. The rest is luck and hoping that other person is picking up what you are putting down. Some do some don't.

I got lucky meeting my partner. I think we were a statistical anomaly on hinge. I met someone who meets my standards. It took time and a lot of disappointment but I got there.

PopRepresentative839 · 2025-01-04T16:51:45+00:00

I have been married for a while now but when I was single, I always did better romantically when I went out constantly. Every boyfriend I had, I had met multiple times while out before we got together. It sucks that people are less social now.

Thin_Touch7263 · 2025-06-27T10:23:24+00:00

Looks only work up to the certain point peaking in your 20s starting in high school. As all of us get older, the gap becomes closer in the looks department. Nobody even those with best genetics can escape grey hair, grey beard, some hair loss compared to youth and subtle ageing signs on the face, so you can effectively take looks out of the equation if you are a mature or middle age adult dating.

TopShelfSnipes · 2025-01-03T21:09:54+00:00

There is a luck component in that you have to meet the right person at the right time.

However, as a hockey player, I fundamentally understand that luck is made. "Puck luck" happens when you go to the right areas of the ice, work hard, play an efficient game, and do the right things. You don't consistently win hockey games with bad "puck luck" and bad habits.

It's similar in dating. If you cultivate your best version of you personality, have a physique to be proud of (don't have to be a bodybuilder just have to be somewhere between lean/athletic and dad bod, but not super skinny or fat), put yourself in frequent social settings, pursue things of interest to you, and have interesting things to talk about besides your work or something that's on a screen...you are building good habits that increase your luck.

mobjack · 2025-01-03T21:19:40+00:00

If you go on 100 dates and can't find anyone compatible, luck isn't your issue.

Dangerous_Unit_1238 · 2025-01-04T01:27:12+00:00

The first step to misery in life is to always thing you are victim of circumstance where you have no control over outcomes good or bad. This is called 'external locus of control'. It is thinking that you can do nothing to affect parts of your life where outcomes are just determined by things you cannot control.

Obviously it is easier to meet women if you are 6'5 and great looking compared to not good looking dude who is 5'7. That doesn't mean you will be single forever, or that you will never be able to find a compatible partner. It's just going to be harder and maybe she won't the woman you dreamed up just like you are not the man she dreamed of. There is compromise and being realistic with that.

Anyone who has gone on 1000 dates and not met a compatible person is doing something very wrong, or is expecting someone who is identical to him- which is dumb and unrealistic. The analogy is just dumb.

Title	I'm starting to think that finding a relationship is dependent only on your luck
Author	Drivterrix
Upvotes	81
Comments	181
Date	January 3, 2025 9:01 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hswxoq/im_starting_to_think_that_finding_a_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/im-starting-to-think-that-finding-a-relationship.1540313 https://theredarchive.com/post/1540313

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