Are there any women that really believe they attract the wrong kind of men?

30min2thinkof1name · 2022-02-23T03:50:29+00:00

I was sexually and psychologically abused by my father as a child. Because my (straight f) primary male caregiver was abusive, I came to conflate abuse with love. When I met someone in my young adult life who showed very subtle and subliminal signs of being abusive when first getting to know them, it would look and feel to me like I had found someone familiar. The nervousness and excitement I later recognized as my body giving me warning signals to stay away felt like falling in love. It wasn’t until I went to therapy, worked through some of the pain and trauma, and learned to recognize these patterns of attraction and abuse that I no longer attracted the “wrong kind of man”

No_Tomorrow915 · 2022-02-23T03:19:51+00:00

Yes. I used to be one of those girls.

Shy, slow to open up, and a bit cold. I never had confidence to pursue guys that I liked and feared showing interest because I didn’t want to be used for sex.

Normal decent guys see my behavior and interpret it as me being not interested so they leave me alone and I never have an opportunity to be with them. Abusive guys that have no respect for boundaries interpret my behavior as a challenge or prey upon my shy/quiet and soft spoken demeanor and persist.

As a result these were the men that became my dating “options”. I would entertain the idea of dating them because I was lonely and they seemed adamant on pursuing me. I never had a labeled relationship or sex with any of them because deep down I knew they weren’t the kind of guys you can go long term with, but still I had most of my experiences of men defined by them and it for sure skewed my perspective.

I didn’t realize that I was ultimately the one limiting my dating prospects and I passed up a ton of good guys that are now married as good partners because I lacked the confidence that they could want me for anything other than sex.

Finally I’ve grown some confidence, however, and am with one of the “good” ones and man is it great.

GuitarsBack · 2022-02-23T03:29:48+00:00

It's obvious that this woman attracts most men

Yeah, but keep in mind that while she is attractive to a lot or even most men, only a fraction of those men will actually make a move and hit on her. (irl)

When only the wrong kind of men approach her, for example because the nice guys don't dare to approach, she might get the impression that she somehow attracts the wrong kind of men.

Adventurous_Health93 · 2022-02-23T04:20:05+00:00

I know I do. I may be seen as conventionally attractive to most but the men who actually show interest are usually not the kind of men I want to be associated with. Purely because I am a giant walking red flag (I'm not proud of this and have been working on it for awhile now) and men that find me attractive and try to pursue me are actively ignoring the fact I am a giant red flag. There's one man I talked to for awhile, after so long he finally called me out for all my toxic and dangerous behaviours and literally told me I'm a giant red flag and unless I change he wasn't interested. Obviously me being stubborn I didn't change and we don't talk anymore but I still think about the immense amount of respect I have for him and how I hope it's got him far.

2022-02-23T05:26:56+00:00

When I was at school, I experienced more harassment form older men than any positive romantic attention from my peers. It got somewhat better when I moved to study at university, but the ratio still wasn't in favor of my peers. I didn't look my age, looked quiet and shy, so I guess it was like a beacon for all sorts of creeps.

My close friend has a bit of a different issue - she looks very feminine, soft, caring and almost meek, so she attracts all sorts of mommy boys and wannabe "captains" that are often borderline abusive or really are abusive. So now she abstains from dating altogether and considers herself bi. I guess she might be a lesbian, as she says she's never met a man she found romantically attractive.

Visible-Doughnut-782 · 2022-02-23T11:45:20+00:00

If a person( Man or Woman) with an abundance of dating options keeps attracting the “wrong person” than clearly the problem is THEY are attracted to the “wrong” person.

Visit any relationship forum and there seems to be an absolute epidemic of “abusive”, “narcissistic” and “toxic” exes causing pain and misery wherever they lay their hat.

I’m in no way denying that these people exists but if everybody you enter into a relationship with starts portraying these traits it’s because you are attracted to them at a fundamental level. It’s also probably because you display these traits yourself and like is just attracting like.

AreOut · 2022-02-23T09:01:29+00:00

Men who approach usually just play a game of big numbers with DGAF attitude(a very TRP thing), so any girl who wants to be approached but hates TRP guys is just contradicting herself.

freespirit1963TJ · 2022-02-23T16:52:51+00:00

Real story, many years ago I was single (had gotten divorced) and met a woman that was very attractive. She was about 9 years my junior and had a child. We had a great time together, the physical and emotional part of the relationship were going well. She told me that she had relationship's with the wrong kind of guy (some had been in jail, druggie, abusive etc). As time went on, and we became more familiar with each other, her house was always a mess, her finances were a mess, she changed jobs a couple times in a very short period. We weren't living together, or real serious, so I never mentioned it or offered an opinion. She called at one point and we were just chatting, she says...I can't live up to your standards or expectations. I asked her where this came from, she acknowledged that I hadn't said anything about the fact that her life was erratic, but she knew it. We mutually decided not seeing each other was for the best. This was a choice, we remained friends and even had a few sleepovers after. I moved to a different state and last I knew her bf (at that time) was arrested for domestic assault. So, in her case.....it was as much that she attracted that kind of guy, she chose that lifestyle. Is this the exception, rather than the rule? Idk.

Flintblood · 2022-02-23T05:10:58+00:00

She’s choosing those that most excite her (masculine good looking but dark triad men) then is shocked (gasp) when they either want to control her or pump and move on.

No-Remove4548 · 2022-02-23T03:19:50+00:00

Well you are right. I don’t have anything to add.

Being attractive and claiming to attract “wrong” type of men is bullshit. There are 2 possibilities:

kind of men you are actually attracted to don’t wanna be the “right” guy for you (majority of the cases)
you are genuinely attracted to “wrong” men and secretly enjoy that but it doesn’t get you anywhere (minority of the cases)

goodpuffin · 2022-02-23T04:23:20+00:00

It’s much more likely that she is choosing the wrong type of men. Unfortunately, a lot of qualities that women find attractive are also qualities that are more common in men that make bad partners. Players are usually confident, friendly, and attractive. Abusers often seem passionate early in a relationship.

SouthernGrass3 · 2022-02-23T03:52:23+00:00

it could be that among the guys in the tier of attractiveness she wants (if she’s a 7/8, she could be looking at guys who are 8/9) it’s the jerks that are going for her. At the very top, men have the most leverage and non-jerky top men have a lot of relationships options, don’t stay on the market long, and don’t have to date down, so she may in fact mostly be getting attention from jerks in that part of the market.

sritaunicelular · 2022-02-23T14:38:11+00:00

You can certainly attract the wrong kind of people, for instance, narcissistic types love empaths. Introverts are drawn to extroverts, etc.

Having said that, a lot if not most women don't realize they more than likely are doing and saying things that affects them as well, as in there's accountability in our actions. I had to understand my own toxic behavior and what I was attracted to and why, so I could stop dating my mother (in terms of pathology/toxic behavior)

2022-02-23T03:43:55+00:00

What’s that line about not wanting to belong to a club that has me as a member?

Preme2 · 2022-02-23T03:42:41+00:00

As the saying goes…women attract all men, but pick the wrong ones.

2022-02-23T08:07:17+00:00

I think because I have niche interests, I tend to attract people who are in a sense just as broken a I am on the inside, or they have an odd quirk or kink that borders on ok or gross. Funny enough my sexual interests don't reflect any trauma except for my fear of someone touching me in my sleep. Relevant because it's not connected to the later.

xcheshirecatxx · 2022-02-23T17:20:41+00:00

I definitely attracted the wrong men. I'm attractive, but I was abused so I don't look approachable

I needed to work on myself to attract the right kind of people

clitorophagy · 2022-02-23T17:54:11+00:00

Most kind pretty women attract abusers and weirdos along with decent fellows. It’s important to have filters

2022-02-23T18:54:29+00:00

Prolly the bleach blonde hair, "basic" look, and only acknowledging "player douchbags". If ur above average and lean and a girl you can pretty much "attract" any guy. Just ignore the "player douchbags" if you really dont like them.

slendercrescents · 2022-02-23T21:40:35+00:00

If you are an attractive woman, it's not about what you attract, but what you allow.

People are basically a bit more complex animals. Sometimes they don't want what they need (a wholesome, caring partner) but what they are familiar with (their opposite sex parent didn't give them enough attention, was toxic, etc).

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-02-23T05:06:47+00:00

I felt this way when I was younger. For a long time, the only guys who ever seemed to be interested in me were guys I was unattracted to. Eventually, I just made it a point to stop hanging out with that type of crowd.

Pola_Lita · 2022-02-23T03:49:51+00:00

It certainly is possible to attract the wrong sort of man, and through either conscious or unconscious behavior.

Whether or not she makes the initial choice, the amount of attraction she holds for him would be a matter of HIS preferences and experiences. It's not a totally one-way situation.

Lucky for this woman she's already aware that that's the case because awareness is the first step to changing.

Why haven't you specified what kind of "wrong" we're talking about here?

If the men are interested only in sex, do you still need people to post about how it's her fault? This is PPD, you'd have to have known you'd get people blaming her no matter how little they knew of the situation. And your title doesn't qualify as neutral.

Explain what sort of man she believes she attracts, please.

warramite · 2022-02-23T04:13:43+00:00

Are there any women that really believe they attract the wrong kind of men?

Lots of women think this but it won't really affect their future actions.. Women are just instinctively attracted to famous or very masculine men and both these guys obviously tend to not be loyal.. so obviously she's gonna get hurt over and over

But because attraction is subconcious, most women who struggle with this will never really get out of the cycle

Johnny_Autism · 2022-02-23T14:15:11+00:00

Her fluoride stare tells me she's the kind of girl who only registers tall white guys with a designer stubble as human males.

daddysgotanew · 2022-02-23T03:33:58+00:00

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shepskybuddy · 2022-02-23T08:36:13+00:00

I've never really thought that but I've never done online dating. My friends that have had had issues with some of the types of men that match with them. I think that online dating probably skews perceptions alot.

poppy_blu · 2022-02-23T11:41:52+00:00

Yes, it’s possible to have deep seeded and unresolved emotional issues that attract the wrong kind of person. That’s not gender specific.

CliffPR · 2022-02-23T13:16:25+00:00

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Visible-Doughnut-782 · 2022-02-23T13:18:57+00:00

What a person says they want and what they actually want at a base level are not always the same thing.

Somebody might say they want a safe, stable dependable person who always treats them with respect and consideration but that’s actually boring to many people. Or at least the superficial traits of good looks and status simply trump things like morality and human decency when it comes to sexual attraction for many people.

A person like the one referred to by OP simply doesn’t want the things she implies she wants as much as she is attracted to things she suggests are in fact a turn off.

Arguably the most attractive quality a Man can display to a Woman is confidence. However there is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance-or to use the relationship buzzword of the age- narcissism.

It’s not politically correct to say but nearly all Woman are attracted to dominant men for very basic evolutionary reasons. Confidence and dominance signifies the ability to protect.

Unfortunately for many woman like the subject of the post “dominance” might get their sexual juices flowing but it ultimately does a number on them because being “dominated” by somebody isn’t actually gratifying emotionally in the long term.

There is a trope that most men only think with their dicks. This is true to a large extent. Many men will risk completely ruining their lives for the chance of an orgasm with a physically attractive woman regardless of her other attributes. She could be a known serial killer but most guys would happily bang her if she was hot enough. However this is also true for many Woman. They also fundamentally think with their genitalia. The only difference being what gets their nether regions tingling isn’t solely based on physical appearance. There is a very obvious evolutionary reason why woman love “bad boys”.

chilumibrainrot · 2022-02-23T13:20:48+00:00

i think i attract the wrong type of guy. maybe its that, or maybe i just dont vet enough. but i always seem to fall for the ones that hurt me. even my most recent one, who was very different from my other exes, still hurt me. its always "it isnt you its me." maybe its because im young, but all of them hurt me or leave me in some way.

wtknight · 2022-02-23T13:29:30+00:00

Women usually get treated well poorly by men when those men either a) think that they have other just as good or better options or b) believe that they are in a well-established relationship that the woman can’t easily or has no desire to quickly terminate.

So either she’s pursuing men out of her league (likely), or she makes it feel like the men who are in her league and who are in relationships with her no longer have to do the work to keep her attraction, which is why women should never let their guard down and simp too hard for a man once they have established relationships.

RIchardjCranium · 2022-02-23T21:46:46+00:00

Women frequently discount their role in who they pick. Every woman that cries”oh every guy I end up with is a jerk.” No, every guy YOU PICK is a jerk. Women have the upper hand because men do the majority of approaching. So yeah you had plenty of decent guys approach you but YOU passed them over for the guy with the neck tattoo and the prison record. They have broken pickers but refuse to admit it. These are the same one that constantly complain about drama but they are the cause of it.

Fit-Faithlessness149 · 2022-02-24T00:56:16+00:00

Due to looks I tend to attract men with a few specific fetishes which is a pain in the ass, but easy to identify. I guess having a backbone is a great way to weed them out.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2022-02-24T08:08:48+00:00

I seem to attract men with mommy issues or BPD. I wasn’t keen to it in my teens and early 20s but I’m very aware of it now.

Something about me gives off a “I will take care of you and baby you” vibe. I will admit that as a person, I am absolutely a giver and do have a big heart, as I got older I definitely hide that part of myself because it attracts nothing but leeches and moochers.

I was seeing a guy but I got so turned off by him because he seemed to be attracted to the fact that I cook, clean, and take care of myself and my child with ease. Although a nice man, it seemed like he wanted to be taken care of too. I didn’t think him being nice would last long.

I don’t think these guys like me for who I am, but the like me for what I can provide for them and what they can get out of me.

Flintblood · 2022-02-23T04:58:45+00:00

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2022-02-23T03:17:19+00:00

It could be true for a woman with a really low-class, whoreish vibe. Successful, conscientious type men may or may not be willing to fuck someone like that, but they're definitely not wifing her up.

KirthWGersen · 2022-02-23T08:21:31+00:00

Some people very much do attract the wrong kind of people. BPD/NPD partnerships are a classic example. They both give each other what they think they want at the beginning; then they gradually destroy one another in a nuclear-style escalation.

Submissive types tend to attract dominant personalities and vice versa.

We also attract the wrong people through the way we present ourselves physically. I was chatting to a friend of mine who was sex worker once. She was considering getting a tit job done as an investment that would allow her to raise her rates/extend her working life. But she was hesitant because she feared it would attract the wrong kind of customer: men who merely want to objectify her body (which she found less pleasant) as opposed to men who want the girlfriend experience (which she rather enjoyed).

vhm3 · 2022-02-23T06:09:11+00:00

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gimpgirl555 · 2022-02-23T12:20:33+00:00

This puts her in the position of being the chooser if the dating apps are any indication of where the power lies. It's obvious that this woman attracts most men and it is her that is choosing the wrong kind of men. I was just wondering if anybody has thoughts on this.

It's just something CC riders say to hide the fact that they like to sleep around with "the wrong kind of men".

RealNiceLady · 2022-02-23T05:28:03+00:00

I just attract dudes who want sex

Ryzasu · 2022-02-23T13:56:51+00:00

I'm not attracted to her. The excessive makeup and the tattoos are a turn off for me and I can see how that look attracts particular kinds of men

pinoyboy93 · 2022-02-24T00:52:53+00:00

Yeah she’s not that hawt. Long midface/nose, narrow chin/jawline, large forehead, and large eyes with neutral can’t tilt, lips are kinda thin. I guess if you have beer goggles on, she’s good for a ONS, but I’d personally pass.

daddysgotanew · 2022-02-23T13:07:46+00:00

You can literally tell what kind of men women choose just by looking at them. In this case, a hot chick definitely chases emotionally absent Chads with options, and then get salty when they realize they’re #5 or 6 girl to him. Lower her standards you say? NAhhhhhhhhh she’s only 30!

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ruboyuri · 2022-02-23T06:08:30+00:00

I am not clear if you mean “wrong for them” or just straight up, universally “bad”, aka abusive, users, cheaters, criminals, etc

Because I definitely attract the “wrong” type of guys for my personal taste

WorldWideButtCheeks · 2022-02-23T08:47:13+00:00

I think ive always attracted the right kind of men in person, usually the kind of men I like. Unless it was on dating apps. Then i REALLY had to filter through them and would ignore most

Profession_Mobile · 2022-02-23T08:54:14+00:00

100% always pick men who are so good and wrong for me at the same time

2022-02-23T09:44:42+00:00

As woo as it sounds, I'm inclined to believe that we attract events and people to ourselves that confirm our existing beliefs.

Think men are cheaters, liars and swindlers? Guess who you're gonna meet.

UEMcGill · 2022-02-23T13:10:13+00:00

Did anybody actually get to the part where she says "I have a life, I got kids"?

Seems to me there's more to the story here.

toasterchild · 2022-02-23T13:26:25+00:00

Her aesthetic is very superficial looking so I'd be he shocked if she didn't attract superficial people.

swaggyquack · 2022-02-23T16:31:31+00:00

After viewing the link it’s clear that she is the problem lol

Craycraywolf · 2022-02-24T22:18:55+00:00

Yes because the creeps will pounce at the chance to hurt us 😳 As for actually being with someone though, sometimes you just find someone who doesn't work for you. It's why dating is a good thing is so you can find the right one.

2022-02-25T09:27:52+00:00

I had a housemate who’s super beautiful. Watching her date actually gave me empathy for beautiful women. She has to vet way harder than I do. For me it’s easy: guys pursue me if they actually also like my personality. For her, any asshole will pursue her / pretend to be nice because she’s stunning.

Title	Are there any women that really believe they attract the wrong kind of men?
Author	Fit-Faithlessness149
Upvotes	118
Comments	294
Date	February 23, 2022 3:02 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/sz6gru/are_there_any_women_that_really_believe_they/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/are-there-any-women-that-really-believe-they.1210846 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210846

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