What are some examples of "What society tells you vs. The reality" about gender relationships?

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2023-08-07T19:00:59+00:00

Reality is that society offers you advice that will usually work long-term, and will stabilize society for its own continual existence. Cultivating qualities like kindness, consistency, loyalty, etc. help maintains relationships, and eventually, families (which props up society for the next generation). They don't however help you start a relationship.

This is why dating advice can appear so contradictory to lived experiences, particularly of the young. The advice are given from the perspective of those who already had long-term relationships and like their partners. So they're qualities that keep partners together, through good and bad times. But it skips over the 'sausage-making', the behind-the-scenes that lead up to the relationship existing.

To close that gap, you'll need guidance from those who have that short-term success. Some of it is not stuff that can be changed. Certain masculine features for example, or something like height which is beyond most people's control. However, some things can be changed. Fitness, social skills, style, etc. are all amendable to input, and probably more crucial when young than stuff like 'long-term career prospect' or kindness. It's not that those things aren't important, they just don't matter as much when people are young. And society as a whole doesn't prioritize young relationships.

badfirstdate- · 2023-08-07T17:17:44+00:00

My parents questioned why I never had a LTR as a teen. They said I should easily have found someone by now for being myself.

I had to explain that dating is different now with social media. They didn’t believe me. They compared me to my female cousins.

“Both your cousins have boyfriends. Where’s your girlfriend?”

Both my cousins are dating athletes that are verified on IG. (Before u could buy it) and have 50k-100k followers.

HolidayWhile · 2023-08-07T20:52:12+00:00

"Relationships aren't important, focus on keeping your grades up so you can go to a good college and meet someone there!"

Then I arrived there and the women who would give me the time of day stopped having boyfriends already and started having husbands instead.

szclimber · 2023-08-07T19:00:31+00:00

"Just be yourself". Terrible advice, sometimes changes are needed

odd_cloud · 2023-08-07T17:56:09+00:00

I don’t remember anyone telling me a lot about relationships. However I had the following misconceptions about dating when I was in school:

looks are not important for girls
girls like gentleman behavior and value good treatment
girls like hardworking guys
girls value when you are really into them

I think those believes formed under the influence of narratives in literature and cinema. I don’t see any other sources.

Dunkman83 · 2023-08-07T20:02:55+00:00

my mom thinks all i have to do is put on some cologne, go down to the local bar and ask a girl to "boogie" with me, and BAM! 30 YEAR MARRIAGE

LOL.

she hasnt dates since the commodors broke up, she has no clue.

kkkan2020 · 2023-08-07T19:12:19+00:00

Go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a good job, and everything will fall into place.

FaradayBurka · 2023-08-07T17:39:16+00:00

I was raised in a churchy conservative environment so I was fed lies about how looks are shallow and you should ignore attraction, and it doesn't matter if he's a ditch digger as long as he has good character.

Several_Pressure7765 · 2023-08-07T18:00:35+00:00

Having a stable job/ education gets you women. Lol

not-a-dude-at-all · 2023-08-07T18:37:46+00:00

I was told that directly saying what you want, expect or feel towards woman is bad and won't work. In reality that's the only thing that works.

jay10033 · 2023-08-07T20:59:44+00:00

"Women are the prize." They in fact, are not.

JustBeingMe426 · 2023-08-07T18:57:40+00:00

That men are desperate and not discerning and that women are selective.

I dont find this to be true and it more varies by individual.

G0dZylla · 2023-08-07T19:16:58+00:00

society's advice that only works if you are attractive

"just be yourself"

"beauty is the eye of the beholder"

" looks don't matter, personality is what will make you attract people"

"just be gentle, caring, and romantic"

"just express your emotions and open up yourself to people"

"there are plenty of fish in the sea"

"stop looking and the right person will come"

Reality

"just be born with good genetics"

"just be tall"

" if you are not born with elite genes just spend tons of hours in the gym, building your business, improving your social skills just to attract a plain jane"

"just accept that no matter how much work you put you will still have far less success than someone born with elite genes"

Wolvengirla88 · 2023-08-07T19:31:17+00:00

I’m a woman and I was definitely taught that if I was a good girl then men would treat me well. Instead they dumped me for women who would have sex. Then dumped those girls for the girls who were less work. So I learned that my priority needs to be something other than whether or not men like me.

gntlbastard · 2023-08-07T22:10:50+00:00

Just be nice. LOL....most men understand what a load os bullshit that is.

Safinated · 2023-08-07T18:09:53+00:00

Society basically tells you “be good”

And anyone who has gone to middle school knows that’s not how life is and you don’t have to

basedmama21 · 2023-08-07T21:58:06+00:00

Society tells me that being a stay at home wife is akin to being a homeless beggar

But the reality is my husband and I are happier than our friends who have “boss babe” wives

No_Length_6997 · 2023-08-07T20:48:41+00:00

Just that flirting with girls is like rude and annoying. As if I should never communicate my desires to a woman I like.

Male sexuality was always depicted as being obnoxious or dangerous somehow.

Critical_Lettuce2899 · 2023-08-07T17:28:44+00:00

Society: Men should open up about their feelings to their partners and even cry more often.

Reality: Opening up like a little bitch only works for women and will get you rejected by women straight away

aslfingerspell · 2023-08-07T22:07:16+00:00

In high school my parents told me to just "focus on my studies" and "You don't need a girlfriend you need a friend." or "Get to know her as friends first." except more or less every female family member around my age (both immediate and extended) was able to date just fine. Some of them are already married, engaged, or getting ready for that step in life right now. I am still a virgin who has only had one relationship which fizzled out and dragged on for complicated reasons without getting far in the first place.

My mom would always talk about "People know you.", but nobody came up and really talked to me. Nobody asked me out.

In college it was the "stop worrying about finding someone. Someone will come along eventually". Years passed, nothing happened.

Now it's "Get outside and do some hobbies if you want to find someone."

I joined an exercise club. All men or older married women. I joined a board game club. All men or married women.

I completed my grad school education, and was finally able to change my occupation in my dating profiles to something other than "Student". No increase in matches.

MrBrittle · 2023-08-07T17:20:26+00:00

Society says: Women like gentle, romantic men;

Reality: Women commonly confuse kindness and romanticism with weakness and self-loathing;

Society says: One day women learn to stop liking the bad guys and start liking the nice guys;

Reality: There are women who genuinely like nice guys. However, there are also women who like the bad guys, but try to somehow settle for the good guys when things go wrong.

Society says: Casual sex is good and liberating;

Reality: The more romantic and sexual partners a person has before marriage, the greater the chance of divorce as well as becoming a single parent;

Society says: Promiscuous men are winners and virgin men are losers;

Reality: Promiscuous men are slaves to their passions and emotions, they have little self-control. While virgin men are divided into two groups:

1 - Strong men with a lot of self-control and self-esteem.

2 - Men who are promiscuous, but who are involuntarily virgins.

Society says: A woman's promiscuity does not diminish her value, and the man who rejects a promiscuous woman does so because he is insecure;

Reality: A woman's promiscuity makes her repulsive to many types of men who would be worth marrying, but makes her more attractive to the types of men who only want to use her for sex.

Specialist_Cod1841 · 2023-08-07T17:31:20+00:00

i've never seen relationships discussed in a school setting and my parents never told me anything about relationships except to pick a good person. the idea that someone thinks society lied to them is completely alien to me.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-08-07T17:42:52+00:00

I stopped listening to society and started listening to the beastie boys back in middle school

Yeah yeah: It was cringe back then too I bet.

harmonica2 · 2023-08-07T20:55:46+00:00

My mom is the same way too, and expects me to have more dating options, as if she thinks I am some sort of adonis or something.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-08-07T23:28:38+00:00

I think we have to make a distinction between what your parents (who love you and typically think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread) tell you vs what “society” tells you. Society is pretty honest if you take an objective look. Parents tend to think you’re great no matter what.

social_mules_alt · 2023-08-08T01:07:40+00:00

What society told me: Anything boys can do girls can do better

What reality tells me: Mediocre men can identify as women and absolutely dominate female sports

Mobrowncheeks · 2023-08-07T17:15:56+00:00

That being yourself would ever be good enough as if there isn’t a preexisting socioeconomic hegemony that excludes everyone to varying degrees depending on your own interactions with the status quo throughout your entire life.

Think_gawd · 2023-08-07T18:43:08+00:00

Women (mOsTtttt) want honorable/honest men 😵

False. They don’t operate that way, just lie (exactly how she wants you to) and you’ll get the results (budussy).

princedune · 2023-08-07T20:14:54+00:00

"Women care primarily about personality when choosing a guy to date"

ya that was a lie

ParticularCamera2297 · 2023-08-07T17:46:55+00:00

Society’s purpose is to maintain continuity of itself. This includes reproduction through marriage and kids, hardworking men to provide and protect, and avoiding any wide scale violence and hence the push for monogamy. Putting all those pieces together, in general, society pushes men to beta and indirectly fulfill the female narrative. By the same token, women are to certain extent also asked to not “whore” around and start a family, meaning they’re asked to contain their hypergamous nature. However, seems men are just asked to accept women’s dating decisions as shaming becoming less common.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-08-07T20:56:49+00:00

Nerdy guys will be sweet, intelligent, and respectful. Thanks high school for setting me straight.

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UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-08-07T20:15:18+00:00

That romantic relationships are easy with the right person. This isn't true. It's still work, it's just more worthwhile.

y2kjanelle · 2023-08-08T01:49:06+00:00

That men are all either amazing princes who will come to sweep you off of your feet or they’re creepy predators on the street as homeless rapists.

The reality is that crappy people come in all different looks, aesthetics, socioeconomic status, etc.

The reality is that looks DO NOT guarantee any type of good or bad treatment.

Also the idea that all you have to do is be a “good girl” and men will flock to you with good intentions. BE FUCKING FORREAL.

I did hardcore opposite of the “feminine dream” and I’m super happy. Lots of people told me that I wouldn’t be. That being promiscuous would ruin my prospects and men never look at character (the right men). Lots do, just a certain subset of men hate women and only want to increase their chances of having sex and have horrible character. So they lie and tell you you have to be a perfect woman (traditionally) to be respected and loved.

The truth is as soon as I started living my life according to what I want and NOT according to what “women should be” or according to what men want,

Men respected me MORE. I couldn’t get played if I was upfront and seeking what I wanted. I’m not ashamed to message first, to approach. I’m not ashamed or scared to leave a bad relationship or situationship. I don’t feel scared of being a “lonely cat woman”. None of that.

It was all just a lie. The reality is that me choosing to be a decent person and live truly the way I want has lead me to happiness.

Also when I was a virgin was when I had the worst experiences with men. They get so fuckking weird and creepy and infantilizing. A lot of the time I’m grateful for being promiscuous because those pedos stay away from me.

resultsmatter1 · 2023-08-08T02:20:21+00:00

We’ve arrived at a place where the general belief is that women are somehow superior to men especially in the dating realm especially since they function as the selectors now.

In reality, women have never been more shitty at picking partners than they are right now and the trend line is only continuing. They are just as undatable/broken/bad at relationshiping as men but since almost all but the most ugly have options they think they’re princesses.

We are headed for South Korea style gender wars in the US. Book it.

reddzih · 2023-08-08T08:19:09+00:00

The main element that comes to mind is the reality of social status. It’s something which permeates almost everything in society, but is only ever referred to by media and most people euphemistically. Society pretends one set of rules applies to everyone but this is bullshit. Completely different standards of behaviour are applied to especially men depending on their social status both socially and legally and it can be particularly frustrating to those on the lower end, as they imitate behaviours that are welcomed and celebrated from those of high status and find themselves punished harshly for it.

Poor_OverSexxxed_Me · 2023-08-07T18:52:15+00:00

Society used to tell me that women don’t care about a man’s looks. That’s it down to status and what you can provide. In fact my own parents told me this. Didn’t realize that society was a machine that was great at pumping out beta bux

DiamondLilyD · 2023-08-07T18:58:11+00:00

That women are desperate for relationships and men get screwed over by divorce

mikehawk1988 · 2023-08-07T19:39:05+00:00

Body count in women is a stronger predictor for infidelty than for men. There are countless studies about this. See: https://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/15hv2aa/body_count_is_a_strong_predictor_of_infidelity/

the_calibre_cat · 2023-08-08T00:32:00+00:00

Men often talk about how they've been misinformed about so many things. It's like society hands us a set of expectations and beliefs that don't always match up with what really happens in the reality.

I mean, this place made a pretty good point once about the "Disney-esque" movies who feature a main character, almost always some kind of different nerdy and awkward male, who gets the girl up and over the jock, and back when I was a light TRP libertarian nerd, I was upset about that, it felt misleading.

Then it was pointed out that in almost all of those movies and TV shows, that character usually undergoes some kind of character development in which he improves himself and finds some confidence, which is an important step. I thought that was a good point.

Now I'm a horrible leftist and I think that society STILL lies to men, both in the way that I originally thought, but also in the way that serves the male ego by centering him and his idealized sexual outcome. I guess my position hasn't changed, except that I no longer think it's some evil blue pill scheme to dunk on men, but rather a shitty scheme that reinforces the patriarchy and lies in its defense be feeding male entitlement that we, as men, very much need to get away from.

But, I guess they need to sell movies and TV shows, and brutal truths that "you, average guy, probably aren't gonna end up with the gorgeous L.A. ten that you want like the main character in the show that you identify as will" probably aren't super after-dinner family watches, soooo... capitalism strikes again.

Specialist_Cod1841 · 2023-08-07T17:51:20+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-08-07T19:25:49+00:00

You know who else lied to you -- your chemistry and physics teachers! Remember when they taught you that the atom was like the solar system? False!

The values that your mom taught you were good. The golden rule is good. But they were too simple, and they left out a lot of weird, kinky stuff that people try to keep stuffed down in their unconscious but turns them on. It's not really true that you should "do unto others as you would have them do to you." You should probably "do unto others as they would have you do unto them"! Unfortunately, that's a lot harder standard to apply. And sometimes you don't want to do what they want, which creates an implicit conflict. Life's complicated.

But here's my most interesting realization -- a lot of women really like to be dominated by someone trustworthy and attentive. And a lot of women really don't like it. And you can usually tell which ones are really yearning for it very quickly, once you learn to see.

tinasnow-poty · 2023-08-07T22:35:30+00:00

My parents told me boys only want one thing and tbh they were right

LaTableEstBasse · 2023-08-08T18:58:23+00:00

There's someone for everyone
Girls value personality over looks
Just be yourself
Attraction is a special feeling you can't objectively explain

When the reality remains as it's been for millions of years : - Be attractive - Don't be unattractive

One-Store2972 · 2023-08-18T12:39:10+00:00

There is someone for everyone.

Title	What are some examples of "What society tells you vs. The reality" about gender relationships?
Author	-snickerss-
Upvotes	35
Comments	222
Date	August 7, 2023 5:08 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/15kqmca/what_are_some_examples_of_what_society_tells_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-some-examples-of-what-society-tells-you.1227762 https://theredarchive.com/post/1227762

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