How the hell can women commit to a man they don't lust after?

totallyworkinghere · 2023-07-01T15:30:07+00:00

Lower sex drive is one reason. Another is that lust isn't a constant feeling, it fades, but companionship and love are still strong.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-07-01T16:04:43+00:00

I can't imagine making that choice for myself, but I can understand why some of them do it. Some women prioritize their comfort and security over their own happiness and sexual satisfaction. Especially if your life has always been a struggle and suddenly a Prince Charming comes along and wants to take care of you? That would be tempting for some people.

Also, a dead bedroom does not mean she never found him sexually attractive. Many women were sexually attracted to their husbands in the beginning of the relationship. Having small children, stress, exhaustion, hormones, and the woman's own self esteem are all factors that can impact her libido. And some men kind of let themselves go and don't make an effort in their relationships so the relationship gets into a rut (and yes, some women do this too!). Lastly, there's a saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." An extreme example of this is how a lot of couples didn't make it through the first year of Covid because they were stuck in the house together 24/7.

badgersonice · 2023-07-02T01:26:03+00:00

Well, ok, don’t have kids the , if you cannot possibly tolerate someone being committed to someone while not constantly in a state of all-consuming lust.

Breastfeeding hormones absolutely tank a woman’s libido and wetness, and there’s not a lot you can do aside from wean to change that. Unless you’re willing to have some genuine patience and understanding for her being biologically unable to be the nympho you want her to be for an extended period of time, then you’re not suited to being a committed father.

Feinstone · 2023-07-01T16:24:50+00:00

This boggles my mind too. But the only explanation is women can love men for different reasons, and those reasons will make her feel different types of love depending on the situation. A woman can love a man purely based on sexual attraction and how that man makes her feel while they are together. On the other hand a woman can love a man only based on his stability and security qualities, though this love is not based on genuine sexual attraction, but more of a either appreciation or transactional type of love (aka beta-bucks) especially when she's past the age of 35 and she's too desperate for marriage.

Now every woman's dream is when she feels these two types of love towards one person. Meaning that every woman wants to be with a man that has his shit together, and she also has genuine burning desire sexually for him too.

That's why women have an easier time trading sex for material gain, a woman can have sex with a guy that she absolutely find repulsive, as long she's getting something out of it (money, a promotion at work...etc,) while men in most cases can't have sex with a woman that he finds repulsive unless he is absolutely horny and desperate, and even then he would rather rub one out.

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-07-01T20:12:14+00:00

The article you’re referencing: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1280282/Most-married-women-sleep-read-book-watch-film-sex.html

Shoddy-Donut-9339 · 2023-07-01T16:59:20+00:00

There is lust

There is attraction to beauty but beauty can be a beautiful personality, beautiful mannerisms, beautiful mind, beautiful music. Why do we believe something to beautiful?

There is loyalty like loyalty to a sister or to a friend.

There is the comfort of knowing and trusting somebody. When you know somebody won’t be a selfish jerk towards you or anybody else that is nice.

There is respect.

When somebody loves me and thinks I am very good it feels good to be around the person that thinks I am so good. It raises self esteem to be esteemed by somebody else.

Lust may have started my relationships but it isn’t what keeps the relationship going.

I have never had sex with a woman that I had no lust for but sometimes there was only a little lust. I had a at least a little lust for most women in their reproductive years. I never was a couple with a woman that I had no lust for. I have had some female friends that I had very close to no lust for.

Being a guy I can not speak for women but no woman can really speak for all women.

Women are not as driven by lust as men are. The average man probably feels 3 times as much lust as the average woman feels. All the things I listed could make a woman want a relationship with a man she feels almost no lust for.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-07-01T15:16:49+00:00

i dont know, the entire concept is completely alien to me. the entire convo surrounding it is liek from mars.

this however is not the genesis of deadbedrooms. deadbedrooms coem from women not feeling sexy anymore. they happen in LTRs no matter how the LTR starts

Gilmoregirlin · 2023-07-01T16:31:33+00:00

Because lust is not what makes a happy long term relationship.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-07-01T21:08:49+00:00

Two asexuals can still commit to each other.

Two people with low libidos can still commit to each other.

Some arranged marriages where she doesn't lust after him and he doesn't lust after her, can work out... but rarely.

Usually you need desire... that's what sets a relationship apart from a friendship.

Plenty of women have decent sex drives... the point of dating is finding someone compatible with you.

High libido rarely works out with low libido.

teamdeathmatch1787 · 2023-07-01T15:38:10+00:00

For me, there are a couple reasons. For one, attraction ebbs and flows and I don’t think it’s worth ending a relationship over a temporary dip in attraction. Also, love, companionship, friendship, and security are more important to me than attraction so I can give up a degree of attraction for that. I’ve also got to admit that most men don’t inspire raw sexual attraction to and even then, most I’ve been with aren’t particularly good in bed; to find that, I’m usually giving up other things that are more important to me so it’s not worth it. I’d rather stay single or date people who make me happy in other ways.

_here_ok · 2023-07-01T17:18:36+00:00

They do those that don't tend to leave once they realize they do lust after a man. The difference is how that lust is usually achieved and if it is accepted. Remember technically speaking subjects of lust are usually considered taboo unless they are expressed in a specific way.

A man's lust for a woman must also be in line with the ability to prioritize and care for her. If a man doesn't feel that way then he'll be ostracized. The same can go for women who don't want to dwell into their desires out of fear of being ostracized, judged and shamed.

People tend to just feel arousal in different circumstances than the people they date and that can lead to problems. Especially when it comes to conflicts of being wanted. If both want sex in very different circumstances then it'll feel as tho they don't want each other when in fact they just aren't compatible. Some people get horny under stress while others will never get horny during stress and ect.

FineDevelopment00 · 2023-07-01T17:35:40+00:00

I'm not one of those women, so I don't personally get it either.

Diddy_1978 · 2023-07-01T17:44:11+00:00

In facts that doesn’t exist except in a very few cases. Like passport bros and desperate women.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-07-01T18:09:31+00:00

Because the other option is being single, and many people want to avoid that.

lwfstryc9 · 2023-07-01T18:42:30+00:00

The guy is willing to provide for her and her kids. I learned that the hard way

Dstar538888 · 2023-07-01T18:56:25+00:00

I have no idea, I’m a woman and I would never do that, that sounds like a nightmare 💀

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-07-01T18:47:26+00:00

I think pressures to commit to the "ugly" guy. Or the man you aren't attracted to physically. Especially after being told you're so picky...you're so shallow there are nice guys that want to be with you. And then after being played or hurt and burned by your type you tend to lower your standards in the looks department. And that's how you end up with a man you don't lust after.

basedmama21 · 2023-07-01T16:38:13+00:00

Some women don’t qualify for the men they’re actually attracted to. So they settle. They’re also not good wives, so they essentially brag about letting their husbands go without intimacy. A friend of mine is a teacher and her colleagues BRAG about only giving their husband a certain sxual act on his birthday. As if they’re doing him a favor. None of these women are attractive or desirable and if they were to divorce they would have no options. So they’ve “settled” in their minds but the men they wanted in their youth didn’t want them.

I think that’s how some (not me, I’m SUPER attracted to my husband) women end up committing to men like this. On top of not caring about what men want. Which should be a crime in and of itself.

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2023-07-01T19:28:37+00:00

I think women who are by nature conservative, inhibited, religious or family-minded are more likely to vet men for beta/comfort/provider traits and put sexual desire on the back burner.

These women are eager to opt out of the chaotic, frightening sexual marketplace and once a man who's "good on paper" comes along, they'll stick with him instead of searching for one who's also sexually exciting. A lot of these women tend to be on the homely side, awkward, shy, "nice."

I don't think most dead bedrooms start for this reason, though. The classic dead bedroom is one where there was some desire, but the woman had kids, the man went full beta, plus there's too much comfort/familiarity, health issues, etc.

GridReXX · 2023-07-01T22:41:13+00:00

We got told to “give him a chance” or “you’ll grow to like him” since childhood.

I mean hell half the guys on this sub want women to date them just because he lusts for her not caring if she actually lusts for him.

96tillinfinity_ · 2023-07-01T15:36:33+00:00

They cant which is why dead bedrooms are a thing and they initiate majority of divorces

TheRedPillBeta · 2023-07-01T15:42:50+00:00

Because sex is much lower on the priority list for women, generally speaking, than for men.

If men ranked their preferences, it might be something like this:

Sex
Food
Shelter
More sex
Win the lottery
More sex

For women, sex tends to be somewhere around 20 or 30, maybe ;).

Highflyer47 · 2023-07-01T16:49:49+00:00

Well not all love is perfect. Theres a psychological model in the shape of a triangle with 3 elements on it, passion, commitment and intimacy. Together in the middle of the triangle, the element makes consummate love.

Sometimes not all 3 elements are there and it doesnt become consummate love hence why this post and its other commentors don't understand how any deficiency still makes love.

I'm sure theres love there but I think if theres no lust or desire (those words dont outright mean sexually) for who they have I'd be a worried to be in that relationship. I've seen a few relationships like that and more often than not theres an another reason someone stays whether it be their kids, money, black mail etc.

armpitpics · 2023-07-01T20:17:25+00:00

Marriage is still pretty much an expected milestone to hit, and a man's commitment is still used to measure a woman's worth, hence the assumption that a woman who has casual sex or cohabitates must have a low self-esteem. This creates desperation and pushes many women to think "hey, I don't desire him as much but at least he want to commit to me".

There are other reasons as well, but I suspect that the above one is the most common one.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2023-07-01T21:17:37+00:00

I couldn't. I've considered it before when I was trying to be pragmatic but ultimately I just could not do it.

Unnecessary-Training · 2023-07-01T21:17:57+00:00

We don't.

Antisocialite99 · 2023-07-01T21:24:12+00:00

I imagine they'd need some attraction but relying on pure animal lust is low consciousness animalistic primitive basic bullshit.

IcarusKiki · 2023-07-01T23:02:11+00:00

They want a husband father and support figure and see sex appeal as optional I guess

wwwArchitect · 2023-07-01T23:16:52+00:00

Wait a second… how are you able to have casual sex with a woman you’re not sexually attracted to? That makes even less sense!

philseven12 · 2023-07-02T00:47:10+00:00

Because they give up on chasing the hot guy and as they get older it's more of a flex for them to have a husband they can complain about rather than be single at that age.

MistyMaisel · 2023-07-02T03:21:37+00:00

Didn't think lust was important or assumed it would grow.
Lust waxes, wanes, fades, and can disappear.
They committed thinking the sex would improve...and it didn't. But they love this person.

Honestly, there's lots of reasons I can imagine or have experienced. Honestly, sex doesn't happen all that super often for how big a deal people make of it. Like in terms of the amount of time you spend with a partner, it really isn't the majority of the relationship. If you could be in a happy relationship 23 hours a day and the 1 hour of sex wasn't ideal, you'd be a fool not to take that as a serious consideration. Especially if you could just take care of yourself with toys and closed eyes. (Not saying that's me, but I can comprehend it easily.)

Prestigious-Delay759 · 2023-07-02T03:32:59+00:00

It's because for most people, sex and lust can be completely compartmentalized from love. Lust can be abated by rubbing one out. In contrast loving someone and being loved can't be so easily taken care of by one's self. Most people are mature enough to realize that whatever they find to be physically beautiful is going to be destroyed by entropy/aging/misfortune because they're mature enough to realize those things come for us all. The attitude you describe sounds very superficial. It sounds like the sort of person that leaves their spouse the moment they get wrinkles or get maimed in a car wreck or just get old and less attractive.

Another factor for perhaps why you think you perceive this attitude from women more is that in the US and most western civilizations if a woman wants sex, it is very easy for her to obtain sex. Once something is easily achieved, you learn to demystify it and you begin to place less value on it because all of us tend to drive value from scarcity. So if you do think or you supposedly have evidence that women typically weight sexual appeal of their mates or partners lower than men, it is probably because those women do not value that trait because they've had easy access to whatever they wanted and they've learned that although lust is nice it's relatively common, whereas trust and love and other traits are actually in far shorter supply. So then they put them higher on the list of values for long-term partnership.

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-07-01T17:45:40+00:00

Because there's plenty of men who don't really care whether they are lusted after or not...oh they may say they care of course they are proud enough to say they care but they'll put up with all the attributes that go along with no lust. It's the resemblance of lust but but not the reality that gets them. They find theatrical porn moans more arousing than normal sex noises.

Something you say you care about but do nothing meaningful to project that care into the world as action well is that really care?

It's the other side of that good old "don't care had sex" coin. The side of the coin where you guys are victimising yourselves

And why would a girl do it...now we've established a lot of guys do absolutely nothing to prevent it and thus make it a very very easy thing to do? Well you make the most of what you've got in life and what a lot of women have got is families that discourage daughters from being openly sexual or dealing with their sexual thoughts. That's how you marry a virgin or low count woman who isn't attracted...she doesn't really know lust and after that ring goes on her finger maybe never will.

And what about women who are more experienced? Well y'know...they do their best to try to evoke sexiness in the guy who is the sensible choice...and once she's got a bunch of kids well she's probably not going to be wanting or getting much sex anyway even if she was with the hottest guy in the world. Too busy you see. . between working a job and keeping house and raising kids and catering to her husband.

Being a woman in our society is inherently a desexing experience and some of you need to read The Female Eunuch

BigVulvaEnergy · 2023-07-01T17:39:12+00:00

I've never seen a woman commit to a man she doesn't lust after.

I've only seen this theory in this sub.

I'm not at all convinced it even exists or happens.

ETA- sexless seasons are part of any long-term relationship.

Some days, my hormones aren't interested in sex and a book sounds way more appealing. Some days, my hormones only want sex.

relish5k · 2023-07-01T17:27:50+00:00

They can’t. But a man doesn’t need to be a peak physical specimen for a woman to genuinely lust over him. I think about padma lakshmi and salman rushdie - she was genuinely very into him, because of his big sexy brain.

Willow-girl · 2023-07-02T02:39:03+00:00

I don't think very many do. They only lose attraction to him later, after being forced to clean up after him as if he were a big messy child.

livinginlyon · 2023-07-01T19:54:14+00:00

I despise having sex with women I'm not deeply emotionally connected with. And if I can make an emotional connection, then she IS beautiful.

asdf333aza · 2023-07-01T20:28:20+00:00

Ask yourself if a fat chick or a woman in her 40s or 50s could pay you money to fuck her? Imagine if she brought you a brand new Ford bronco or jeep wrangler and all you had to do was give her affection. All you're bills paid for simply sleeping with a person you're not 100% attracted to. Women do this crap all the time! Oh, and don't forget that while she's paying all your bills, you can still cheat on her while she's at work and fuck other women. She's likely too busy supporting your lifestyle to ever really catch you. That's how women do it.

They did a study on chimps where they introduced a form of currency they could trade in for food. The female chimps quickly started prostituting themselves to give the resources that the males acquired. The female human is not too far behind. Put most women in a state of poverty and they will result to selling their bodies. Look at how gleefully women flocked to onlyfans. Selling themselves sexually is as natural to them as it is natural for men sell themselves for manual labor aka work for a living.

Mobile-Aioli-454 · 2023-07-01T19:30:10+00:00

Personally, I’m not sure I’d even want to commit to a man I was sexually attracted to, or who was sexually attracted to me. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who fits what I’m looking for in a partner. It just feels wrong

Dardanel12 · 2023-07-01T22:08:20+00:00

Because they marry for resourcers, not for love or physical atraction to her husbands

Digital-Bionics · 2023-07-02T00:11:14+00:00

I think that a percentage of women will go with a lesser ,an, and then psychologically torture him in time. It's a twisted cruel kind of attraction

Reasonable_Listen514 · 2023-07-02T00:28:56+00:00

They're using the man as a means to an end. They're usually near or over 30yo, and in a rush to marry. So they'll get with a guy they aren't really attracted to, especially if he has money. This situation rarely works out well for the man, who usually gets cheated on and screwed in divorce court. Never marry a woman unless it is clear that she has true desire for you.

notseizingtheday · 2023-07-01T16:25:37+00:00

We don't actually do that. You guys just tell eachother that's what we are doing because you really want not being rich to be the excuse when it's really your personality. That's the reason you can't pull women.

Hysterical__Paroxysm · 2023-07-01T23:02:37+00:00

I could never.

A lot of men, however, aren't concerned about their partner's sexual experience. They are selfish and unwilling to try. They lack foreplay skills or even the willingness and enthusiasm to engage in foreplay. A lot men don't pull their weight in terms of domestic duties and child rearing, and therefore become rather unattractive as a whole to their female partners.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and appreciate balance. You're mortified at the idea of someone not being completely and enthusiastically into the entire act with you, and that's GOOD. That is how it should be! Many people end up settling or if they didn't settled their relationship unfortunately ends up settling. I'm glad to see you refuse that concept.

Laurely4u · 2023-07-01T16:03:25+00:00

$$$MONEY$$$

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GlasgaAccentfurYanks · 2023-07-01T22:36:07+00:00

Lust is the drunkenness of our era.

Resurrected_Alliyou · 2023-07-02T05:56:50+00:00

The absolute majority of men women see dont activate any lust in them so they just see it as the norm I guess

neverendingplush · 2023-07-02T10:37:42+00:00

Not enough good looking dudes quite honestly. No one wants to be alone, do the math.

neverendingplush · 2023-07-02T11:09:26+00:00

My ex is dating a guy that she told me doesn't shower and is absolutely repulsive. She says she doesn't enjoy sleeping with him. Her husband before she met , she said she wasn't interested in sex with him at some point and obviously their marriage failed. With me she was an utter nymphomaniac, tbh it was exhausting. She wanted to fuck as soon as I got off from work, getting laid to me was like going to get a drink of water from the faucet.

Women will absolutely marry a man, have his kids and want nothing to do with him sexually. For many women relationships are a means to an end because life script nonsense. Then after so many years of faking the funk the get tired of and leave. I dint get it, but I'm not a woman.

BusinessGarage2606 · 2023-07-02T12:09:42+00:00

I never lusted after anyone. I could not be in a relationship if lusting after someone was a requirement.

For me love is enough.

ass-thetics · 2023-07-02T12:50:07+00:00

How the hell can a man commit to a woman if he is being constantly lusted over by many others?

yamb97 · 2023-07-02T15:16:20+00:00

Why is this post presupposing women do this a lot??? I would never…. I’m thirsty as hell for my bf every single day.

NoFear_Uptop · 2023-07-02T15:56:20+00:00

His 🍆 maybe small but his bank account is rather large or she's balancing looking after kids and a job she hates to keep things afloat.

SuspiciousRule · 2023-07-02T19:27:09+00:00

If they done it back in ancient times why can't they do it now

houstongradengineer · 2023-07-02T20:39:27+00:00

She's getting it on the side.

Safinated · 2023-07-02T21:48:08+00:00

I dunno; how the hell can people commit to work a job they don’t like?

Particular_Trade6308 · 2023-07-03T00:45:51+00:00

People will do a lot for a dollar.

You’re not that attracted to a guy but he’s stable, can provide a home, can pay for you and the kids (you become a SAHM), but you’re not that attracted? Maybe it’s a tough one. How about if it includes vacation homes, luxury, and financial security for life? At some point people take the deal.

Relationships can be transactional, once you appreciate this, it’s not crazy to be married to someone you don’t find attractive

operation-spot · 2023-07-03T03:14:15+00:00

A dead bedroom is about more than sex, lust, or attraction but a lot of men take it as a personal insult. Most relationships don't start with a dead bedroom, something changes and therefore the amount of sex changes. I think the idea of a dead bedroom is indicative of a larger problem and somewhat of a projection by men because they can be physically attracted to a lot of women so they assume the same must be true for women. A lot of men feel like they are unwanted, unworthy, or unattractive if their partner is not having sex with them which I somewhat understand.

If the relationship was going well before and sex suddenly stops, attraction was never the issue. My first thought in this scenario would be to schedule an appointment with a marriage therapist to work through whatever changed. It may just be an issue of communication, but it also might be indicative of a larger problem in the relationship.

If a woman is tired, she won't be up for having sex so the solution would be to better distribute the chores or find a way to work less. If a woman feels unattractive (especially after giving birth) then maybe she needs more words of affirmation. There could also be a change in how her husband is treating her or how much time they spend together.

If nothing works and you consider sex a big part of making a relationship functional then it may be time to get a divorce.

Individual_Speech_10 · 2023-07-04T12:47:48+00:00

If I like someone enough to want to be in a relationship with them, then I do lust after them, regardless of how they look. The two go hand in hand for me.

DiamondLilyD · 2023-07-04T16:23:59+00:00

because of his resources and possibly be in a deadbedroom marriage?

Simple, this is red pill bullshit and has little/no basis in reality.

Fit_Yogurtcloset_291 · 2023-07-05T20:09:07+00:00

They've had kids by someone else and the guy they don't lust after is providing her with a safe home to protect her offspring

Title	How the hell can women commit to a man they don't lust after?
Author	-snickerss-
Upvotes	121
Comments	484
Date	July 1, 2023 3:10 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/14nxgb4/how_the_hell_can_women_commit_to_a_man_they_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-the-hell-can-women-commit-to-a-man-they-dont.1223871 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223871

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