Approaching women in a limited pool of your social circle poisons this pool for you

Affectionate_Cat1512 · 2024-10-04T16:21:13+00:00

I'm part of a big dancing community. I think I'm liked? But right now, I'd never try to date any of the girls there. Don't want to risk losing first thing I actually love doing

VWGUYWV · 2024-10-04T16:38:24+00:00

Yep

Nobody wants to be the guy that tries to bang or date every single woman within a friend group

I’d say you get one shot per year or so

rando755 · 2024-10-04T14:51:53+00:00

I think that's usually true. Approaching women can harm your reputation very quickly.

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-10-04T16:33:52+00:00

It's how you do it that's more of a big deal than anything else within friend groups.

It's not "approaching" so much in friend groups because a connection is already established. Approaching is something you do with a stranger, or someone you don't know very well.

Within a friend group, it's not getting stuck in the friendzone by establishing value, not being too available, and generally looking discerning and like you have options while maintaining a flirty, playful demeanor that is high energy and fun to be around.

In those types of situations, whether it's at a party, sticking around after everyone leaves, or randon one-on-one time, that's when you can read the room, see if there's chemistry, and go from there, often through mutual interest, not through some grand declaration of love or romantic interest.

Does that make sense?

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-10-04T18:33:05+00:00

No kidding. That's why you limit that shit to one in the immediate circle if at all. You only go for extended circle.

Then you get the dish on the person. They aren't always around the group, you can put out feelers without actually ever going for it etc.

Leave the social tree alive, don't take too many branches, plant the fruit, and then harvest those other trees.

cjheart1234 · 2024-10-04T15:12:39+00:00

This is a factor the "find a hobby, make friends, stop looking to date intentionally and then you'll find love" advice fails to take into account.

Let's say you follow the advice, you get a good group of friends, everyone likes you, you start getting close to one of the women there, and you get into a relationship. Things are great. Wow, that advice really worked!

Until you break up. Then the friend group is split, people are forced to take sides, and the women all take the woman's side. The men dating those women will also take the woman's side (even if they secretly disagree or don't even care). Happens often time even when the facts are against her, he's likely going to suffer most of the social fallout.

So where does that leave the man? Finding a new hobby, making new friends, starting from scratch.? Hell no, he should start dating with intent. He needs to go out and intentionally try to find someone to date.

Termodynamicslad · 2024-10-04T19:12:06+00:00

A social circle isn't a farm to "raise" your potential suitors. Dating someone in your social circle is more like realizing someone is interested in your, and making the move.

The social circle is there mostly to help you find these signals. Friends(that aren't competing) will help friends get a date. Be it inside or outside the circle.

Dating in your inner circle has bigger chances of success, but larger penalties. If someone in a group of close friends makes a move on someone and get rejected, one of them will have to leave the social circle most of the time.

If you want a date but gets no signals that someone else is interested in dating you, keep quiet and keep your friends.

MistyMaisel · 2024-10-04T19:54:34+00:00

Generically speaking, you should not be approaching every girl you perceive. This does not mean do not approach women in your community, it means you need to have a deeper reason for approach than, "I'm a man and they're a woman, can I make this anymore obvious".

Secondly, trying to get all the girls in the dorm to do something is an obvious poor play. Inviting everyone in the dorm to try food (both boys and girls) would have been the smart play. And then if in that you hit it off with a particular girl, asking her out is the smart thing

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2024-10-04T15:06:25+00:00

I would say if you are in a social pool with three women, you can try to date one of them and it's normal. Everyone remembers when Eric and Steph were kind of talking, right? But then if Eric hits up Shanice after he and Steph didn't work out, things start to get a little weird.

This does get better when you're old and you can rebound with each other after one or both parties are coming out of a divorce, but yeah 20s-30s hitting up all your female friends gets weird.

Throwaway47294746047 · 2024-10-04T17:51:12+00:00

Yeah if you approach more than one in rapid succession the women of the group will view you with suspicion that’s not new nor is it surprising. If you thought you had a good vibe with one girl and it didn’t work it probably won’t be an issue so long as you don’t push it or immediately jump to another girl.

Magonbarca · 2024-10-04T15:44:37+00:00

men need to understand how fruitful it can be making female friends and increasing your social credibility but many cant hold themselves from trying their luck to get some..

Reasonable-Cookie783 · 2024-10-04T21:20:52+00:00

I totally disagree about not approaching strangers. I've met women who have smiled me while I'm taking my daily walk and dated them. If a so called strange woman gives you signals your dumb to not act on them. Even if you misread and know how to take rejection it's no harm no foul every time.

Fair-Bus-4017 · 2024-10-04T15:28:34+00:00

I mean as long as you don't try to get with too many girls in a social circle then you're fine. And if you try ur shot just make sure that there are a few weeks in between them. Otherwise you will get a reputation and lets be real for a good reason.

Also you can definitely go after a few. And friends of friends of friends are almost always fair game. Like if you meet a girl at a party and try ur shot good chance it won't affect you at all. But like I said just make sure you don't jump from girl to girl.

BluePillUprising · 2024-10-04T14:40:19+00:00

100% the opposite for me. I married my coworker and before that I was in a social group where we were always in and out of bed with each other.

It got messy sometimes but it was fun !

krackedy · 2024-10-04T14:46:35+00:00

This just means you need to be smart about how you approach, not that you can't do it.

Obviously going from person to person is going to make you look bad abd poison the pool. So is approaching someone who has given zero signs that they might like you. This stuff is so basic that I don't know how anyone could make it to adulthood without learning it.

I've exclusively dated/fucked within my social circle and I am definitely not seen as a creep. I only ever made a move when I had reason to believe the woman was into me too. Was she making excuses to talk to me and sit by me? Being touchy? Wanting to hang out 1 on 1? Etc.

If I thought she might be into me, I'd flirt or escalate. The next important part is accepting rejection. It's not a big deal to misinterpret a sign and get rejected as long as you're a grown up about it. At this point you should already have shown yourself to be a safe, mature person so there's no creepiness.

Learn from each rejection.

Your title should be "Approaching women in a limited pool of your social circle without adequate social skills poisons this pool for you".

Honestly a lot of posts in this subreddit could be reworded in a similar way.

Colt_Master · 2024-10-04T15:31:38+00:00

When I was a young student I used too cook and asked girls ion the dorm to try. I didn't say anything lewd not tried to grab them. And soon they all knew. Did they all think I'm a good potential boyfriend because I have some useful skills and not expect women to cook for me? No, they thought I'm a desperate loser.

Doing acts of service for other people in hopes that they will date you is commonly seem as desperate. It seems to me more that your problem in your anecdote wasn't necessarily that you were hitting on tons of girls, but that you were doing so through cooking for other people who've done nothing for you to warrant the free food nor your time and effort.

Obviously though, if you'd given free food to strangers outside of your social circle, then you wouldn't have suffered from worsened reputation inside your social circle.

mlo9109 · 2024-10-04T14:35:20+00:00

This is the case regardless of gender. Even as a woman, I'm a firm believer in not shitting where you eat. Hell, I don't even befriend my colleagues, because I know how quickly that can get messy.

AutoModerator · 2024-10-04T14:31:30+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

operation-spot · 2024-10-04T17:45:16+00:00

I think it makes more sense for men to ask their female friends if they know any single women. Even if the date goes poorly or the relationship ends it won’t impact your actual friend group. While you may be attracted to some of your friends I think that the method I’ve laid out above reduces the most amount of risk.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2024-10-04T23:15:07+00:00

Woa, that looks like a cold approach within a social circle O_o

I am not sure if people know something else outside cold approaches

First of all, if you stay long enough in a social circle, you know when a girl is interested in you before making any move. Secondly time is your ally. Women generally find the majority of men not attractive, but the more they see them, the more they find them attractive. Plus if you spend your time increasing your attractiveness and making a difference within this social circle, you will greatly increase your chances

To looks like the perfect partner, a woman need to see your values as a human being first and attraction will do the rest if you take time to build it. Friendzone often arrive because you don't build attraction (women have a responsive desir compared to the spontaneous desir of men)

IHaveABigDuvet · 2024-10-05T10:48:18+00:00

You still have to be selective, and you still have to reciprocate interest that is already there. And also take rejection well.

badgersonice · 2024-10-05T13:36:51+00:00

Women in a limited social circle talk to each other.

This is what is called “reputation”. It only hurts you if you suck. If you’re awesome, then people talking about you is a good thing and doesn’t poison your reputation. The opinions of your peers is the very thing that most defines your position among your social circle.

If a bunch of women already don’t like you in your social circle, then yes, approaching them will not help you at all, and they will add that as part of your negative reputation. But it’s never just the fact that you approached that has people talking negatively about you behind your back.

joshff1 · 2024-10-05T20:30:04+00:00

I mean it's pretty obvious no? In any limited circle it's pretty common sense that unless you get obvious signs of interest it's best not to approach right or at least you're better off playing the long game?

ExcelsiorState718 · 2024-10-04T16:04:55+00:00

Women don't always immediately cry creep if you approach and get rejected. This outcome is not the most likely for sure if woman is mentally stable.

It is also very much advised to not approach strangers and pick people you know at least through common peers and friends

This is true how and when you approach goes a long way,if you holler at a woman from the passenger side that's gonna get a creep award unless yoyr perhaps in a really high end vehicle that could override her fear factor serial killers font usually ride around in G Wagons Bentleys or Lambos, unless it's maybe Diddy.

Someone you know can go either way it depends on how you know them. A coworker it's I'll advised this could go very bad. Some one from school maybe but not if you share classes you also have to consider when things go bad you'll have to see this person every day. Also approaching someone at your favorite restaurant. If things go south you'll need a new venue.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-10-04T17:42:28+00:00

social circle game is not "approaching", its organically vibing and hooking up

edit: most of my social circle dating wasn't the circle ITSELF but the orbiting universe of secondary friends and relatives of the members

Holy_Slave · 2024-10-04T19:37:57+00:00

The fact there's this much neuroticism and stupid rules and bullshit involved in what should be something simple tells you the game is pretty much broken. Really is no surprise dudes don't want to approach anymore.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2024-10-04T15:41:47+00:00

This is why women prefer this. No one wants to be the last person approached out of desperation because the other party couldn’t get the person they actually wanted. Go for the person you like most and then move on from there to other people you really like not just who’s available in your friend group because you’re desperate to be with somebody/anybody. Men should be monitored and shamed for trying to sleep around especially in the same friend group. No one likes the town bicycle or the bike that is trying to become the town bicycle. You have to keep your n count low you bunch of man whore wannabe’s!

ThatBitchA · 2024-10-04T15:53:33+00:00

Yes, if you just approach girl after girl simply because they are girls, people will talk.

I hope you had an actual conversation with your GF before just grabbing her ass.

Once again, stop approaching girl after girl just because you think they are cute. It looks desperate and people will call you out on your desperation.

SaBahRub · 2024-10-04T16:42:41+00:00

I’ve dated men from work, school, activity and friend groups

delusional-gf · 2024-10-04T17:58:50+00:00

This is actually a perfect example of why it’s important to first and foremost BE A GOOD HUMAN BEING. If you’re a good person with a beautiful soul, and are rejected, you’re chances with their friends will not be harmed!! Are you going to be a match for everyone? No!! But if you’re a good person and ask girl #2 out, girl #1 will say “omg he’s such a kind person and super super sweet!”

Creep are not good people. Not all ugly people are creeps. I know TONS of guys who are not considered attractive (nor that I’m attracted to) who I would still vouch for because of the kind and genuinely good person they are.

apresonly · 2024-10-04T15:45:48+00:00

if you dont know if a woman is mentally stable maybe don't ask her out

"Make no mistake, if you approached Ann and Bethany, Candace knows already. Now what will happen when you try your chances with Candace?"

wait you're mad someone doesn't want to be your #4 pick?

this can't be serious.

AutoModerator · 2024-10-04T14:31:30+00:00

Hi OP,

You've chosen to identify your thread as a Debate. As such you are expected to actively engage in your own thread with a mind open to being changed. PPD has guidelines for what that involves.

OPs author must genuinely hold the position and you must be open to having your view challenged.

An unwillingness to debate in good faith may be inferred from one or several of the following:

Ignoring the main point of a comment, especially to point out some minor inconsistency;

Refusing to make concessions that an alternate view has merit;

Focusing only on the weaker arguments;

Only having discussions with users who agree with your position.

Failure to keep to this higher standard (we only apply to Debate OPs) may result in deletion of the whole thread.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

UnkleReagan · 2024-10-04T18:35:52+00:00

Asking a woman out friend or not is a bad idea for a low status/ugly male. You're screwed either way.

Although it's probably a little less dangerous to ask out court females in your friend group as they're less likely to report you to whatever authorities as a "harassing creep".

EladioV · 2024-10-04T19:07:15+00:00

Eventually I found a GF and surprise surprise grabbing her butt while watching a movie together in a room full of other girls lead to us kissing passionately (right after the movie).

This is the only thing I couldn't understand what you exactly meant by this.

Other than that, I agree with you...

I have been in the dancing community for a couple years now, which means this social circle dynamic is a reality.

Solution: try to be sneaky, never play a direct game in these social circles, you can imply a little that you're interested in someone but it can't be obvious.

remaininyourcompound · 2024-10-05T01:55:43+00:00

Hitting on every woman in your social group one after another indicates that you're not really interested in them as individuals. Of course women don't like this. No one wants to feel like they're interchangeable.

Nihi1986 · 2024-10-05T04:18:59+00:00

Well...you honestly aren't wrong, though the impact is not necessarily that bad. I mean, depends on how you do it and what that circle means to you it could be problematic but it shouldn't.

Among mature adults, and I guess among young people too, there's nothing inherently wrong with a subtle approach and rejection. It won't necessarily lead to people thinking you are a creep or a loser, though depending on how mature they are, they might perceive you as less attractive, but in that case you are losing nothing since they didn't like you enough to start with. They won't stop being your friends, this is one of those situations where being nice actually helps. You of course would've to decide if there's a real friendship there and a beneficial relationship or if that's not really worth it or good for you.

My point is that this is very situational and depends on many factors. The worse your approach and the worse your relationship with the other women in the social circle, the worse the outcome, obviously, but if it was a subtle approach and the other women already appreciated you nothing will change.

Look, women know very well how to read situations, if you like a girl she most likely knows, and if you ask her out she probably understands why you do that. Asking a girl out might seem difficult for some people at some point in their lives but it's actually very easy. You don't have to make it too obvious because if she likes you she will approach you too, it will be evident. So just be friendly and talkative, suggest going somewhere together and see how she reacts. Don't insist, let the ball be in her park, and move on, you have many other important things to do. Whatever she tells to the other people is irrelevant and there's not much base to call you a creep or a loser...

EntertainerFlat7465 · 2024-10-05T07:28:53+00:00

Doesnt mean they don't think you arent one.

Carbo-Raider · 2024-10-05T22:00:35+00:00

Agree. Women's natural attraction parameters seek out the SAME traits because those traits ensure survival of the species. But this ends up causing problems for modern Women trying to get into relationships. I've been saying, relationships are unnatural. And the evidence is all over.

Most men weren't made to even have sex. Lets say one of those women dates the guy. It likely won't work out for just 1 of 100 reasons. And that 1 reason will be spread thru the circle. It reminds me of that Seinfeld ep about "shrinkage". One woman saw George's cold-shrunken penis. Next we knew, everyone thought he had a small penis. He's finished.

Bottom line: 90% of all men should go #mgow, (5th level). Just save yourself the trouble.

fat_charizard · 2024-10-06T16:22:03+00:00

I see the issue here, you have low self esteem. If these girls would talk about you like that behind your back, they are not really your friends and you need to find better friends. What you are saying is you are going to walk on eggshells to not hurt their feelings, but they can say anything they want about you and you are just going to take it. Your opinions and feelings are just as valuable and important as theirs

BarberNo33 · 2024-10-04T22:01:12+00:00

Maybe men need to start being more selective.

flipsidetroll · 2024-10-04T22:04:04+00:00

Sigh. How are men this “main character” with everything here? You think of ONE scenario and using information that YOU DON’T HAVE, you draw all sorts of conclusions. Don’t ever tell me the red pill isn’t a cult.

I’m ignoring all the crazy about how all the women think you’re a loser for cooking etc etc and just gonna say one thing……because imagine you missed the cues….. suppose you approached Bethany and Ann, and they politely rejected you…..you have no fucking idea what they said to each, but suppose for one second they rejected you because candace liked you….and with all that bullshit noise going on in your head, you didn’t see it and didn’t approach Candace. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t, but you’ll never know.

The projection going on here is crazy. You literally reject yourself before anyone else does.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-10-04T14:44:31+00:00

Yeah so why would you creep on your platonic friends? Women certainly didn't give you that advice.

ThanosSnapsSlimJims · 2024-10-04T15:48:59+00:00

Yeah, I see lots of comments in the other threads about meeting at a friend's wedding/event. Why would someone mess with their own friend circle? Don't shit where you eat.

Title	Approaching women in a limited pool of your social circle poisons this pool for you
Author	WanabeInflatable
Upvotes	141
Comments	299
Date	October 4, 2024 2:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fw0kd0/approaching_women_in_a_limited_pool_of_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/approaching-women-in-a-limited-pool-of-your-social.1532047 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532047

Comments