How would you react if your boyfriend admitted you weren't exactly his type looks wise but he values you for your personality?

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2025-05-24T15:50:15+00:00

If you had stopped at “you’re not my normal type” I’d be totally fine. Like, ok you were into high fashion baddies but I’m a nerd, whatever. We don’t always know what “types” could work for us.

But THEN you went off on how he 1) isn’t actually that attracted to me, 2) doesn’t put in effort to the relationship, 3) doesn’t compliment me, and 4) doesn’t fulfill my needs?? What you described is a SHITTY relationship. I’d be out so fast.

AngeAware · 2025-05-24T15:42:15+00:00

I think "you weren't exactly my type" isn't quite the same as what you go on to describe in the post, which is the complete absence of physical attraction.

The former can be acceptable. Like a dude primarily dating blondes but meeting the one brunette who really knocks his socks off and overtakes that preference.

The latter (absence of physical attraction) is not a dynamic I'm interested in.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2025-05-24T16:28:11+00:00

So he doesn’t find me attractive, does the bare minimum, barely meets my needs, and I’m supposed to be flattered because he likes my personality?

This isn’t a “you’re not my type” situation. This is a “you’ll do for now” situation. Fuck that. I’d rather be single.

JustGeminiThings · 2025-05-24T15:39:47+00:00

If I knew all that? I'd have to leave.

Demasii · 2025-05-24T15:36:19+00:00

He may not fulfil all your needs but he provides just about enough for you to stick around.

So he is a temporary relationship to me? Since I'm not in love with him then I can't be upset with him about it. Just a lukewarm relationship to pass the time.

ashpr0ulx · 2025-05-24T15:38:54+00:00

i don’t know that i could be with a man who doesn’t know how to suppress his inside thoughts

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-05-24T15:52:30+00:00

Men say and act like sex is the most important part of the relationship, so I would leave him so he can be fulfilled as a man

justdontsashay · 2025-05-24T15:53:26+00:00

I don’t care if I’m not his exact physical type. I would care if he wasn’t putting his normal amount of effort into the relationship because of it. So my answer to the title question is really different than my answer to the other stuff you’ve written.

Tylikcat · 2025-05-24T17:34:54+00:00

I'm not fifteen. If he's not into me - I don't just mean about being his "type" because whatever, but all this bare minimum bullshit, I'm outta there. And frankly, if we aren't having a direct conversation about it (which I'm happy to start), I'm outta there because who needs this kind of ambivalence from a partner. Or the drama.

MyLastBestChance · 2025-05-24T16:49:11+00:00

Type means nothing.

I wouldn’t date someone I’m not attracted to and I wouldn’t want anyone to date me if they aren’t attracted to me.

I don’t care at all about what he did for previous partners. Why would that matter? Either I’m happy with him and the relationship or I’m not 🤷‍♀️.

ThatBitchA · 2025-05-24T15:46:01+00:00

I'd laugh in his face and break up.

Hell, if my husband said that, he'd have divorce papers in 24 hours.

I'd laugh forever about that loser. What a dumb ass to date someone he isn't attracted to. Get that loser away from me.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-05-24T15:25:45+00:00

Bare minimum doesn't work for me, so we wouldn't be together all that long.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2025-05-24T18:28:37+00:00

"not his type" and "bare minimum" are two different things.

No his usual type? That's fine.

Putting his bare minimum? I'm out.

flipsidetroll · 2025-05-24T16:51:17+00:00

It’s obvious that this is meant to be a “gotcha” moment against women when they say “he isn’t the hottest man but he’s lovely in all other ways”. Well, dude, you guys don’t seem to understand that many women get MORE attracted to men according to their personality. Why do you never seem to understand this? I could met the hottest man alive (hypothetically because I’m nowhere near attractive enough for a hot man to look at me) but if he had the personality of a teapot, he would become completely unattractive to me.

The problem with your little scenario, is the guy is clearly an arrogant twat doing the bare minimum. So why would I accept that? He can be with me for whatever reasons he wants, as long as we are both all in, in the relationship. And why the fuck is HIS FRIEND telling me things he said in private? How would I even know if that friend is being truthful? Your whole play is like a 10 year old playing at being a grownup.

Novadina · 2025-05-24T17:21:21+00:00

As to the title, I’ve had almost all my boyfriends tell me that, actually. Sometimes more specific like “I am usually into small boobs, but I just clicked with you”, and indeed their past girlfriends all had small boobs. That’s okay for me.

But in the body of the post you change it up, like they don’t find me attractive, they just like what I do for them, that he is doing the bare minimum, that he doesn’t fulfill my needs. I wouldn’t be in a relationship like that, it doesn’t matter what he said or his past relationships at all.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-05-24T18:57:18+00:00

“Not exactly his type” can be fine, sometimes people’s types change over time, and sometimes who you end up being attracted to can surprise you. As long as this was something that came up in a natural manner and didn’t seem like him trying to neg me, I wouldn’t necessarily care. In fact, being attracted to someone who isn’t your usual type, can mean they are more objectively attractive than who you usually date.

“Not really physically attracted to and puts in the bare minimum effort because he lowkey thinks he doesn’t need to bother,” however, is a very different story. Of course nobody wants that. This would tell me he didn’t truly value me for my personality either, because regardless of if someone is your physical ideal, if you love them for who they are, you won’t just do the bare minimum.

Now, does this mean I think a guy should have to do all the same shit he might’ve done to impress ex girlfriends for me? No. Sometimes when people are young, they bend over backwards in ways they don’t really need to out of insecurity. But that also doesn’t mean doing the bare minimum, there is some nuance here.

bv0724 · 2025-05-24T16:00:52+00:00

This is pretty similar to the first choice question when it asked whether you'd care if you are a man's first choice or not. There I answered, if you can afford to be the first choice, great. But that's not a luxury that everyone has, and what choice does one really have if that's not an option?

If I could be attractive to someone, I would want that. If not, there's not much of a choice. So I think there's two different types of bonded couples. They are not recognized terms, but just what I am calling them for now.

Fulfillment-Secure: Genuinely admire each other; bond built on real mutual respect and warmth

Survival-Secure: Bonded due to availability, compatibility, and emotional safety, but not admiration-based

Even ugly people can have a fulfillment-secure relationship, but I suspect it is exponentially more rare. I think if something is all that one could afford, you just have to learn to live with it even when it is not the most ideal.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-05-25T03:22:20+00:00

Is this some sort of gotcha about women who date men who aren’t there typical type but end up marrying a man they love and are attracted to because they got to know him and fell in love with him, and falling in love with someone increases how attracted you are to them? Is it also a one for one when women end up putting in all the same effort they have with any other dude but won’t submit to duty sex they don’t want to have because their libido isn’t as high as the man their withs? Because very few women have over 6 partners in a lifetime, and this idea they fucked their heads off before they met you and then dead bedroom you into being little more than a living atm is a rage bait fantasy men tell themselves to sooth their ego when other men find wives. People get married because they love each other. Using people is a rare occurrence for both genders once tied by marriage. They are attracted to their partner. They’re having the same amount of sex they had with past partners. It wasn’t past partners looks or status that gave them “more” than you’re getting. It’s age, stress and hormones. This isn’t a gotcha because women will just leave relationships they aren’t happy in. Being single is better than being with someone they are lukewarm about. Women would always prefer the man they marry step up into being the partner they need instead of trying to find a new husband. Divorce is the last step of a long fight for effort. It isn’t something they want or went into the marriage expecting. Believing women are doing any part of your op is delusional at best and self harm at worst.

Powerful_Monitor3659 · 2025-05-25T13:56:39+00:00

I would question his motivation for saying that.

FriendlyBranch3035 · 2025-05-25T23:14:51+00:00

If he’s still attracted to me it’s fine if he has litteraly no physical attraction to me I’d break up with him.

ZoneLow6872 · 2025-05-24T17:47:14+00:00

This entire OP is nothing but a "gotcha" question to supposedly prove that women are the ones who discard their Chads and settle for someone they dislike. Like, could you be more obvious?

Sophiatab · 2025-05-24T18:14:52+00:00

That would be life as usual for me and too a certain degree it's how I prefer it. Looks fade or can be ruined with one car crash or horse kick, personality and character are more integral to who a person. Valuing personality is valuing the mind, heart and soul rather than just the physical container.

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CanaryHeart · 2025-05-24T23:12:10+00:00

I’d appreciate the honesty, but I’m not up for a relationship with someone who does the bare minimum. If I wasn’t his physical type but he grew an attraction towards me for other reasons and we otherwise had a good relationship that we both put effort into, that would be fine.

TheMedsPeds · 2025-05-25T00:34:18+00:00

If he was more attracted to my personality than my looks. Good, makes me feel safer in 20 years that I won’t be dumped for a younger chick.

Like take for example, he sees me he thinks : meh, she’s kinda cute. But not in a “holy shit” he like saw me in a roomful of people and like some rom com time stops and he just has to come up to me and talk to me kind of thing. Maybe we are in a group of people and he kind of notices me at first but the group gets to talking and we end up striking up a convo, and it just keeps flowing and later on that night after talking all night, then he asks me out. Where is he would have saw me silently sitting at the bar, he wouldn’t have thought to approach me. That’s totally fine, I’m not a head turner anyway. I would assume, that’s how it’s gonna be 9/10 unless I’m in a situation where everyone else is uglier than me lol.

Now letting me know, that he values me less and only tolerates me because my personality is just SO good, so even though he feels no attraction to me, I guess she will do for now, but I’ll be treated worse because of that is a “no thanks”

Sonia314 · 2025-05-25T02:29:23+00:00

I would feel so respected by a guy who would be honest with me about that. Like I’d really found a home. I feel deeply uncomfortable with all the people who try to hide this dynamic. They are lying.

However, the doing the bare minimum is a completely different story. It’s not related to what he doesn’t like about me specifically but that he doesn’t find me that appealing on a meta level or has some baggage so something. We would need to fix that problem if we’re going to stay together.

EveningSuggestion283 · 2025-05-25T13:47:26+00:00

Eh, my take is this: These kinds of things should really be sorted out during the dating phase, before a relationship is established. When I was actively dating, I made it a point to ask about someone’s “type”—because I understand the difference between mental and physical attraction. If those aren’t aligned, it can definitely lead to intimacy issues down the line—for both partners.

For example, the woman may start to notice that he doesn’t compliment her, doesn’t seem to dote on her, or even has a wandering eye. That can lead her to withdraw sexually, especially if she feels her emotional or physical needs aren’t being met. In turn, he ends up feeling unfulfilled.

Then there’s another angle—some men pursue relationships out of codependency or comfort. That’s not fair to the woman, especially when there could be someone else out there who’s actually attracted to her. This ties into the “you’re not beautiful to everyone” reality—but it’s wrong to hold someone emotionally captive just because you like their personality. If that’s the case, be mature enough to pursue a friendship instead, out of respect for both people’s feelings.

I also think some men feel the pressure to settle down, and sometimes the women they’re genuinely attracted to may not be “qualified” in other ways (e.g., emotionally mature, stable, etc.), while the women who are qualified aren’t physically their type. So they settle. Some cheat. Others grow resentful.

And as we all know—aging makes intimacy more complicated. You can’t just flip the switch on attraction or arousal as easily. I knew a guy nearing his 30s who vented to me about what he thought were performance issues. But the truth was, he simply wasn’t physically attracted to the woman he was with. He loved her personality—but his body wasn’t responding. He stopped engaging with her, dating a woman he did like, and he was just fine. (Ran this through CGPT for spell check- had to edit it out)

Difficult_Falcon1022 · 2025-05-25T16:32:36+00:00

There would be nothing deep down about how this would bother me.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-05-25T21:37:11+00:00

I don't know what are you trying to prove. Of course noone wants to be settled for.

Just not being his normal type? That's fine. The love of my life wouldn't be my normal type. But I love him and find him much more attractive than my normal type. In fact he changed my type and became my only type. So that's totaly ok that someone that wouldn't fit your normal type totaly sweeps you off your feet.

But the rest of the treatement... Of course noone wants to be settled for. No, I wouldn't like it.

Latter_Cranberry9384 · 2025-05-24T22:05:24+00:00

I’d leave him. I’ve done this. There’s too many people on the planet to be someone’s “At least she’s funny tho”. Pass.

Routine-Present-3676 · 2025-05-24T17:40:52+00:00

Lol what is this question? I would never stay in a relationship with someone that was stupid enough to admit they weren't attracted to me.

RecognitionSoft9973 · 2025-05-24T17:43:06+00:00

He may have had a history of dating conventionally attractive girls and baddies but with you, he felt more of a mental attraction than a physical one.

I would immediately break up as soon as possible, because that's a surefire sign he's going to cheat.

He may have made more of an effort with past girls but with you, he more or less does the bare minimum and only ever goes above and beyond during a special occasion. He may not fulfil all your needs but he provides just about enough for you to stick around.

I'd be nopeing the fuck out.

Everything you've described is a nightmare scenario for me (I am below average and painfully aware of it). The last thing I need is some fuckboy trying to settle for me.

ItIsnt0verYet · 2025-05-24T18:53:54+00:00

He does the bare minimum? What does that mean? He washes his ass and moves his laundry to the hamper? I'm good on bare minimum. I'm happy enough being alone without some man complaining about my looks behind my back.

We aren't forced to be together, no one is. Why settle for someone who would have been better off as a friend anyway?

attendquoi · 2025-05-24T19:49:09+00:00

If he doesn't fulfill my needs (which I am interpreting as meeting my standards, because I've never felt like I needed a relationship), he's gone.

badgersonice · 2025-05-25T00:27:57+00:00

I mean… this is pretty much how my husband is with me?

He fairly rarely complements my looks, does compliment me on skills and achievements, and really shows appreciation for when I do a good job or put in hard work.

Not sure why you think I’d find it offensive or sad that he doesn’t think I don’t look like Scarlet Johansson or Salma Hayek. I know I don’t look like that either, and it would be legit stupid of me to expect him to tell me dumb obvious lies like “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” He thinks I’m pretty enough, and that’s enough.

Like dude, I know what I look like and I don’t want a dude to puff smoke up my ass. If some guy actually pulled those kind of compliments I’d definitely know he’s full of shit, lol. I’m not any guy’s ideal because I’m fairly plain looking. Not ugly, but just not anything particularly positive either. Men are always more attracted to prettier women with prettier, more charming youthful features than I have ever had.

alreadydark · 2025-05-25T15:14:35+00:00

My first boyfriend did tell me this once, lol.

He was in the middle of comparing our relationship to his previous one. Saying something like "With her, I feel like I just really liked the idea of being with that type of stunning girl, but it was all surface level. Deep down, we didn't really have anything in common and it wasn't a really valuable relationship. With you on the other hand--"

And then he sort of bit his tongue and backtracked, knowing that he was about to say the wrong thing, but I heard the message loud and clear.

I didn't care. He was right, she was much more attractive than me.

However, this isn't really what you're describing in your post. If he not only doesn't find me attractive, but also is doing the BARE minimum? And is largely attracted to the "things I DO FOR HIM"? He doesn't fulfil my needs?Nah.. i'm out

ChadChasingBReturns · 2025-05-24T16:23:09+00:00

I wouldn’t date a guy that I was completely different from every other girl that he claimed is attractive.

I would NEVER date a guy that wasn’t fulfilling all of my needs either. It doesn’t matter what he does, but it does matter what I need. I don’t need what he did for an ex, especially if it’s something I don’t care about. He’s what I want or he’s not.

leosandlattes · 2025-05-24T16:16:49+00:00

I am not my bf’s type historically. A lot of his exes before me are tattooed alt girls who dressed in all black. I dress in all pink, florals, frilly, very princessy and hyperfeminine style. Mixed with a dash of Hello Kitty girl. That does not mean he doesn’t find me attractive though. And he also fulfills all my needs and showers me with love and affection and kindness.

The main issue here is that you are assuming I would stay with someone who does not fulfill my needs and only does “enough to keep me around.” Like I don’t even understand how I could ever be in that relationship to begin with, how he would ever be my boyfriend. I would have stopped seeing him by the third or fourth date if he was not what I was looking for.

Title	How would you react if your boyfriend admitted you weren't exactly his type looks wise but he values you for your personality?
Author	weenieandthebutt
Upvotes	31
Comments	208
Date	May 24, 2025 3:18 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1kue0km/how_would_you_react_if_your_boyfriend_admitted/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-would-you-react-if-your-boyfriend-admitted-you.1553138 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553138

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