CMV: The biggest issue with modern dating today is looks are valued more than anything else.

Alexandra2265 · 2022-05-18T02:16:44+00:00

OP, there is A LOT of truth to what your saying but I doubt most people here will admit it. A friend of mine married someone who wasn't her "type" or so she thought . They were very compatible and the attraction grew. They are still happy still 20+ years later. Honestly, people who marry only for looks / sex never last.

urukshai · 2022-05-18T02:52:04+00:00

Maybe it was always that way but prople are now open about it?

Racis is condemned yet lookism, which is almost always racist, is often praised.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2022-05-18T03:13:33+00:00

I have no idea where the people on here were raised but looks have always been valued the most by men and women where I'm from. Looks aren't the only thing that matters but if it's missing, nothing else matters.

This is especially true for men, if you as a man do not meet a woman's threshold of attraction, then no other quality you have will make a difference.

This is why it is SO IMPORTANT as a man to be as attractive as you possible can and continually work on improving your appearance.

LarryLooxmax · 2022-05-18T13:17:56+00:00

Basically the blackpill.

People with extremely good looks are like superheroes or villains walking among us. They get free food, money, job offers, sex with other decently attractive people just for existing. Everything hard for us is easy for them. They can break up marriages, steal partners with relative ease. Everyone rationalizes that they are good people regardless of their actual behavior due to halo effect.

From the extreme example, derive the principle: looks matter a lot. I would say money is ultimately more important… money actually rules society and is what wars are fought over after all… but looks are a close second.

AelfredRex · 2022-05-18T13:13:42+00:00

It's a maturity thing. Youth are too busy trying to please their peers so they focus on having a partner they can show off and be seen with. So it's all about image, fashion, one-up-manship, fitting in to that peer group or buying into the media marketing. Relationships built on that basis are not stable.

As one matures they realize that they need a partner they can live with. Then it becomes about maturity, stability, energy, being comfortable with each other, raising kids, growing old together. This is where you find those couples that have been married for decades and are still tightly together.

I wouldn't say it's modern. Just look at the old media with the emphasis on the "pretty people", though I admit you tended to see way more "average looking" people in it back then, a lot more realism in the arts. I think the main issue of today is that there's been a spike in narcissistic behaviour at the same time as a big cultural decline in the arts. This has cultivated a a lot less depth of thought and a lot more shallow worldviews.

DorianneGrey · 2022-05-18T02:27:40+00:00

Here’s the thing, as a woman, when looking for a partner (I don’t do casual sex/FWB/ons) there is definitely a baseline threshold for physical attraction that needs to be met. It’s not crazy high, but I need to be able to look at a man and imagine kissing him without any Ick.

Once that threshold is met, other characteristics become determinative (personality, integrity, intelligence, ambition, basic temperament etc.).

So yes, looks matter but…

Prudent_Adeptness313 · 2022-05-18T03:12:49+00:00

I have to say I agree with you completely OP. I am also 100% guilty of this. I think that when your young you are not really in touch with your mortality and always think you have better options. As people get older and looks inevitably fade, people start realizing that they may have to settle or this so called perfect partner will never come.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting someone your attracted too as you stated. Attraction is natural. However, the problem definitely arises when you ignore major issues because of a persons looks. A pretty face should never blind you to a major red flag such as an abusive partner for example. You also should never compromise your values because your scared you can't do better looks wise.

Attractive people are known to have more access to things because they are well attractive. Pretty privilege exists. Its the way the world works. Also, of course there are conventionally attractive people who have great personalities. Attraction itself is subjective anyway. Will add that disclaimer haha

Im guessing you are a guy but be glad you learned this lesson now rather than much later like a lot of people do. My advice to you if you are looking for a serious LTR / marriage is to go to places where you're likely to run into people who share common interests and values. Online dating doesn't work for everybody.

2022-05-18T13:26:04+00:00

The main problem with modern dating is that people are dating complete strangers. People aren't dating through social circles that much anymore since people have fewer friends nowadays. The only way to scan strangers is through looks. Any talk about pewsonalitee is just utter bullshit. You cannot sense someone's personality by simply looking at them. You can only make vague assumptions that average and ugly men are disgusting neckbeard idiots and hot guys are confident, polite, caring and exciting. The only way to filter out strangers is through looks. It's simply impossible to filter out strangers by pewsonalitee since you don't know who they are.

We all know that women filter out 95% of men. It's simply because of looks. Vast majority of men aren't attractive to women. This leads to situations like West Elm Caleb where one dude is dating 20 women at a time, women get angry and blame all the men they ignore for being jerks like Caleb of Western Elm.

And what is this mythical pewsonalitee supposed to be? Most young people can't hold a conversation, they all have the same hobbies (travelling, gym, netflix), they communicate through text messages. Is going to gym, consuming television series and travelling abroad to hotels really the epitome of pewsonalitee that so many men seem to lack?

HansomeSeaCoral · 2022-05-18T14:38:54+00:00

As long as someone meets your minimum level of attraction, shouldn't looking for someone who matches values and is compatible with your lifestyle more important?

Majority of men cant even get to this point without a deep social network. Male 6-7 in OLD is rarely going to attract anything above a 1-4. Once you get to that average and below looks threshold it becomes very difficult to try and ignore looks.

I'd say you're talking to good looking men, and women 5 and above. All my guy friends will say they're absolutely fine with a plain jane as long as she has other good qualities. Problem is most plain janes are at home watching Netflix, not on OLD and not outside. The ones that are draw attention from good looking guys.

Key-Selection-522 · 2022-05-18T22:35:59+00:00

Of course looks matter. Someone has to find your ass half decent looking. There are tons of women who will settle and think "I can work with this." Just like the fellas. You can meet some plain Jane, but if she's coming with a lot, you'll learn to work with it. Then you're all the leaned in

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-05-18T01:55:07+00:00

Looks have always been the most valued lol

Idk where people get this idea that humans at some point in history weren't like this

jamesbwbevis · 2022-05-18T10:52:01+00:00

I think the biggest issue is online dating and too much choice. That allows people (women) to be so extremely picky and never want to settle. Most men aren't actually that picky. Its women

Chemical-Ad3703 · 2022-05-18T04:56:55+00:00

The big issue with modern dating is social media and online dating. Period!

Puzzleheaded_Bet7294 · 2022-05-18T02:56:54+00:00

My parents have been together for over 30 years now and they are the best “team” I’ve ever seen. They just perfectly compliment each other, and in the rare times they have a small argument, they’ll quickly resolve it within an hour and be back to normal with each other. It’s one of the few things that does make me believe true love is real.

They didn’t date, or hookup, or anything - they got an arranged marriage. Sure, there was definitely some attraction between each other. But more than anything, they grew to love each other over time as they tackled life’s various challenges head on, as a team. They don’t show much affection to each other. No hugs or kisses. But I know they love each other because when my mom went on vacation for work for literally just 1 week my dad could barely eat and talked to her on the phone everyday.

And when my dad had a health scare earlier this year, nothing serious, my mom was crying days on end. She started to take care of him as if he was a baby. Not to mention, I’d say they did a pretty good job raising my sister and I as we both have degrees from top schools and good jobs. And they did so with ease.

So yeah. Not sure why I’m sharing this with strangers, but I hope this helps someone out there who’s maybe focusing way too much on looks. I’ve seen the secret sauce to a long, healthy relationship, and physical attraction is one of the least important things.

HuckleberryThis2012 · 2022-05-18T02:22:46+00:00

Going just for looks is fine for hookups but for relationships, doesn’t matter how hot the other person is, eventually the newness of sleeping with this particular hot person wears off and the looks don’t mean anything. Then if there’s nothing else there it just falls apart. Not that they stop being attractive, just that it stops being the big deal it seemed to be when it was newer.

techr0nin · 2022-05-18T02:41:00+00:00

I assume you are talking about long term partnerships? In which case yes many things become much more important, among which are compatibilities in character and value. However there is still a minimum threshold of attractiveness that the person needs to pass, and higher the better. Mate selection is multi-factorial and highly individualized, and has as much to do with what your options are as it does what you desire.

One key element here is your ability to extrapolate the future based on your present knowledge. The only certainty here is if she ain’t objectively attractive now, she’s not going to get any more attractive 10, 20, 30 years from now. The only exception here would be weight loss, and in that case you’d be picking her up on a discount, but also have increased odds of her leaving when she ups her SMV.

In the end, I think for a majority of people long term partnerships come down to children, and genetics will always play a major factor. Being attractive grants innumerous advantages in life, and ideally you would want to give your kids any advantage you can.

YourMomGarglesMyCum2 · 2022-05-18T02:16:14+00:00

Why wouldn’t looks be the most valued?

Most people aren’t millionaires or celebrities, so looks are really all they can be judged on.

Don’t even come at me with that personality bs, we all know that’s a fucking meme.

shonenhikada · 2022-05-18T10:58:05+00:00

"As long as someone meets your minimum level of attraction,"

There is problem on the male side. 80% of women consider most men physically unattractive and often get with them for their money/status.

meteorness123 · 2022-05-18T11:41:31+00:00

I've been rejected die to having no status despite meeting the looks criteria.

Average looks + status and demographics > good looks and no demographics/social circle.

People of similar levels of attractiveness get together. It's the minority who wants to shoot out of their league and suffers from that

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Chemical-Ad3703 · 2022-05-18T04:57:57+00:00

True- both those are subject to change at the drop of hormones.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-05-18T05:15:18+00:00

I absolutely agree with you, looks are not my top priority, there are so many more things that are more important if you are looking for someone to spend your life with

Pastelitomaracucho · 2022-05-18T11:19:11+00:00

Do you feel that looks are too emphasized when looking for a long term relationship?

Dude people fuck others based on an online catalogue of pictures where have you been for the last 10 years

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-05-18T11:30:50+00:00

Yup, more than people realize or are willing to admit. Which brings up a conundrum: has online dating evolved to cater to the desires of men or women? It functions now almost purely as a visual menu. Is that because women, as the choosers, want it that way? Or is it because men, who are by far the majority of online dating apps users, prefer it that way? And if neither the choosers nor the users prefer it that way (as is so often claimed), why hasn't the market supplied something that reflects their actual preferences?

Perhaps we get the dating apps we deserve and it's like The Picture of Dorian Grey, where the state of dating apps reflects the condition of our souls, and it distresses us to see it reflected back at us.

MepleLeef · 2022-05-20T17:34:00+00:00

What is considered attractive or not attractive is cultural, however lookism is just human nature. As cruel as it is, that's just how it is. You can't force attraction. Of course there's things you can do to offset being less attractive, IE: Makeup, fitness, fashion, but you have to play the card you're dealt with.

When I was a young teen I was on the uglier side and when I developed I moved more to the conventionally attractive side - the difference between how men treated me back then (even women) is staggering. It was disheartened at first but I've just come to accept it.

Ultimately see it this way; looks are what pulls people in and get the chemical cocktail activated to get them interested in you, but your charisma and personality/compatibility is what is needed for the relationship. Ugly people are at a disadvantage but it's not impossible, see: Ugly people who are married.

Attractive people have an advantage, but even they can botch their relationships when the initial chemistry dies and they have no compatibility. Which is why relationships can be short with them.

spunkmonk1776 · 2022-05-18T05:35:01+00:00

No one wants to look at a repulsive face and body every time they get home. It is what it is.

hemaristhysbe · 2022-05-18T02:16:32+00:00

Physical attraction / Lust in my experience is not enough for a relationship to work.

The lack of physical attraction is a marriage killer. Sex is more than just procreation; sex cements the bond with all those lovely endorphins.

In typically developing people, a satisfying sex life is an important component of their physical and mental health.

souredskittles · 2022-05-18T22:38:47+00:00

Looks have always been highly valued when it comes to women. Men are only complaining now because they are now also held to that standard more than the past.

creekcrystall · 2022-05-18T02:25:20+00:00

Women don’t over-emphasize looks, men do, which is why men like Johnny Depth end up with a pretty psycho or why others end up with crazy 5-6 baby mommas because “she had a fat ass” and that’s all they saw. Literally. No personality assessment, no nothing.

Ex_Machina_1 · 2022-05-18T04:32:46+00:00

The biggest issue is people on this sub having no idea how relationships work in the real world.

HazyMemory7 · 2022-05-18T04:28:40+00:00

Well, people can't help who they are attracted to and physical attraction has to be there for a relationship. Personality and such comes after initial interest.

sarkington · 2022-05-18T02:40:34+00:00

Why is this an issue or surprising when we are a visual, diurnal species ?

PapaNurgle_1980 · 2022-05-18T02:17:20+00:00

Short term vs long term relationships.

You'll screw up long term relationships on selecting short term qualities. That's the difference between dating and marriage.

You won't be able to consolidate your experience in short-term dating habits in order to create stable long-term relationships. If you believe that's not the case, I have a vegan butcher shop to sell you.

TLDR: Can't make a hoe into a house husband/wife.

Blame_the_Muse · 2022-05-18T02:57:41+00:00

Dating is about finding sexual and romantic relationships.

Sexual attraction matters to sexual relationships

RinoaRita · 2022-05-18T03:59:50+00:00

I agree with you on the long term thing but I have to say that when it comes to casual not looking for a settle down move in have kids level it’s ok to emphasize looks more. Not all dating has to be with the internet of long term, move in, merging finances level.

So while agree with you that when it comes to long term dating looks aren’t as important I would argue not everyone is looking for that.

In fact I think most people would agree with me. People, often men, cry beta buxx etc but I mean isn’t it pretty obvious that when you’re just looking for fun you’ll go for the hottest person you can get that won’t suck and not factor in stuff like long term financial /religious/political compatibility etc and when you’re looking for a long term partner looks take a back seat?

Now if a person keeps prioritizing looks even when they’re looking for long term and crying there’s no one out there it makes perfect sense to give them this advice.

Five_Decades · 2022-05-18T04:50:11+00:00

For OLD, looks matter more than anything. IRL there are a lot of other factors that come into play. Problem is that its hard to find people to date IRL

blackhat8287 · 2022-05-18T13:10:19+00:00

That’s not an issue with modern dating, it’s an issue with dating where people have a choice - they will always make physical attraction a criterion.

When’s the last time you gave a fat chick a chance?

majani · 2022-05-18T05:21:39+00:00

Personally, I feel that it’s easier to find someone that fits my standards for personality rather than looks, so I prioritize looks

YoungArabBrother · 2022-05-18T04:09:20+00:00

Yeah im considering this. I’m a manwhore and i have fucked some of the finest women there is (including the winner of Miss India) . Theres a girl thats kinda overweight, double chin for sure….but i think i may date her. Shes 1000x cooler, chiller, nicer, more caring than any girl ive ever met. She makes life super easy. I’m used being with a girl that turns heads in public tho so its really something im struggling with. And even tho im not THAT attracted to her the sex is fantastic

Lateralanouncer · 2022-05-18T02:20:21+00:00

What age did you realise this?.

Xenomarph · 2022-05-18T05:19:43+00:00

The science says that looks matter less the longer you know somebody before a relationship begins. It also says that looks matter less for women long term and that physical attraction matters for men throughout the entire duration of the relationship. Even more, the science says that physical attraction is influenced by factors other than beauty.

People focus on beauty as much as they do because men and women don't spend as much time together through work, activities, etc. and OLD encourages us to choose based on appearance.

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Ziogatto · 2022-05-18T13:38:16+00:00

No, the biggest issue in dating today is that if you're interested in anything other than quick shag then it becomes a threesome with the government and big daddy G does not ask for consent.

2022-05-19T09:20:35+00:00

You're going to be treated badly by the unattractive people too, so you might as well go nuts and pick the hottest. That's the real 'truth' to dating (that interestingly applies to both men and women)

hsvgamer199 · 2022-05-25T20:12:44+00:00

I've noticed that I'm less picky with women i see in real life. Pheremones, poise, voice and what not can't be seen on pictures or video.

Gracie_777 · 2022-05-29T18:32:58+00:00

When you meet someone irl, and get to know them over time they can become more attractive to you because you genuinely like them. If dating is all online then looks are main draw so it becomes more important and we probably dismiss people who we'd prefer. Online also gives the false impression that the most beautiful and youngest are available to us when in reality they are not

Title	CMV: The biggest issue with modern dating today is looks are valued more than anything else.
Author	Dismal-Reading2512
Upvotes	145
Comments	256
Date	May 18, 2022 1:53 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/us22ju/cmv_the_biggest_issue_with_modern_dating_today_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-the-biggest-issue-with-modern-dating-today-is.1119542 https://theredarchive.com/post/1119542

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