Mismatched Body-Counts: Important or Not?

SoIlikeMangos · 2022-07-21T01:08:02+00:00

I do care. I don't want a man that has slept around.

Head-Language-2977 · 2022-07-21T04:19:22+00:00

I personally wouldn’t be bothered if my girlfriend had many more sexual partners than me. But as a straight-laced man, what would concern me is if all her past men were totally different than me (ie. Party guys). If I was the first “safe” man she’s ever dated, and that’s happened to me a few times on Tinder, that knowledge would make me feel like I’m being seen as a beta Bux.

Rexagon_2017 · 2022-07-21T03:07:55+00:00

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves?

This is very wrong. It's a fairly serious lie after all.

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

I think so.

VastlyVainVanity · 2022-07-21T02:23:51+00:00

A concept that exists in sociology is that of sociosexuality.

Sociosexuality refers to the willingness that an individual has to engage in uncommitted sexual relationships. Someone with an unrestricted sociosexuality is willing to have sex with no commitment with no problem. ONSs, Tinder randos etc. Someone with restricted sociosexuality is only interested in having sex within committed relationships.

I'm saying this because I think this recognized distinction in how people see sex is very important to decide whether things like body count should be disclosed, talked about etc.

Personally, I am pretty sure that most people will be happier dating a partner with similar levels of sociosexuality. If a guy dreams of losing his virginity to a pure girl, and he ends up dating a woman who's fucked the entire football team, it is very likely that both will end up quite unhappy IMO. Same logic applies to a similar case with the genders reversed, naturally.

In the end, people do whatever the fuck they want. But being a guy who has committed the mistake of dating a woman with a completely different level of sociosexuality, I can say that it is a very shitty experience.

Now on to answer some of your specific propositions:

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

Obviously. You don't get to choose what matters to another person. Even if you think body count doesn't matter, you don't get to say that it shouldn't matter to another person. If someone doesn't want to disclose such a thing, then say that you're not comfortable talking about it. Just don't lie.

If their partner does take issue with the truth, and had that been a deal breaker for them, should it be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

No, that's reaching too much. A person consenting to having sex with a false version of someone isn't rape. It's shitty, of course, and the liar did an immoral thing, but it's not rape. Unless you believe that almost all men in the history of mankind are rapists, since a lot of men lie in order to be able to fuck some women.

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves?

Yes, lying is obviously wrong.

tpablazed · 2022-07-21T06:59:23+00:00

I used to not care at all or even think of it, now i doubt i would get into a relationship with a man who had slept around a lot again. Not because of any moral judgment or hang up like that, just because I think what you do is, y’know, indicative of what you want lol. And considering I want a monogamous relationship, I would be very hesitant to start one with someone who wants a lot of variety/sex with strangers. I realize some people have a lot of casual sex and then decide to settle down, but what that says to me is that you really enjoy casual sex and having a lot of different partners, but that you’re willing to sacrifice that for the benefits of a monogamous relationship.

And while that very understandable, I don’t want our relationship/sex life to be a sacrifice for my partner. I’d rather hold out for someone who is as naturally monogamous (ig demisexual is one way to put it) as me, even if that means I never get into another relationship.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-07-21T00:50:22+00:00

I don’t ask and haven’t been asked since my early 20s.

ddouchecanoe · 2022-07-21T04:24:12+00:00

My partner was a frat boy and I am assuming he has slept with many more people than me. His life before he started dating me is none of my business and my priority was that both of us were STD free prior to getting together.

I was always the prudish dorky girl and I can still be a little naive about those types of things. My partner is only the second man I have tongue kissed (the first was my first bf in high school and his breath tasted like eggs.. I broke up with him haha). I figured when he went for me he must be serious and ready for a change.

I found his experience kind of sexy. He has always been so sweet, kind and gentle with me. It really makes me feel special knowing that he went for me because I wasn't willing to just put out right away and that stuck out to him.

I guess our mismatched experience is a big part of why we are together.

edit: syntax

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-07-21T01:16:21+00:00

Should the number of sexual partners that each individual in a couple has had be as close to equal as possible?

I think partner's n counts should be close, ideally the man's slightly higher (to account for hypergamy)

Would it be degrading otherwise? Why or why not? What would you prefer for yourself?

I have dated a woman with significantly higher n than me and I do not recommend. Would not do it again.

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

Yes it is deceitful.

If their partner does take issue with the truth, and had that been a deal breaker for them, should it be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth? What would you prefer for yourself?

Rape is a stretch, my dude. It ain't that serious.

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves? Should this be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

Again, it's wrong but to compare it to rape is just ignorant.

KayRay1994 · 2022-07-21T02:47:00+00:00

I think unless a girl’s body count is comically high I probably wouldn’t care - and I personally have a count of less than 5… Way I see it is, unless the person has a history of cheating, it bears no argument on how one would act, and in terms of the ‘experience’ debate - if you’re insecure about that/if your partner is more experienced, good communication is key - if y’all can’t communicate your issues, even in the bedroom and give each other feedback, the relationship is doomed to fail

cvslengthbucketlist · 2022-07-21T02:05:32+00:00

If you're one of those who adamantly believes that "life experience" is quantifiable and matters in terms of minimizing power imbalance in a relationship, then the prospect of a body-count or relationship partner count mismatch should absolutely matter to you.

At the very least it should hold more weight for you than a comparatively more ambiguous and less granular indicator like someone's age.

Otherwise n-count is just a number that says nothing about a person's values or character or worth.

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2022-07-21T01:49:14+00:00

Depends on how mis matched it is.

If you're talking virgin and N=50, then yeah it's gonna be a problem. They're going to have different interests and sexual abilities. They're going to want different things out of the relationship.

If you're talking 5 vs 15? Not so worrying. 20 vs 50? Not so worrying.

Anything over 100 you'd need to look extra extra close with a fine tooth comb to ensure no mental illness or validation issues; liking sex does make your N higher but there comes a point where it goes beyond enjoying excitement and becomes something less healthy than sexual openness (which IS healthy)

thetruthishere_ · 2022-07-21T12:08:41+00:00

Never been asked nor asked.

Only one I knew count is the virgin boyfriend I lost my virginity to.

optimus69prime69 · 2022-07-21T13:12:12+00:00

N-count represents personal value. High n-count person would have a completely different values to low n-count. So it matters

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-07-21T13:47:42+00:00

It only matters if it matters to them. My wife and I never talked about it. Then one drunken party the subject came up and everyone was sharing. Turns out my number is a lot higher than she thought and her number is a lot lower than I thought. We just laughed about it and continued being happily married.

NaturalQueer · 2022-07-21T19:52:10+00:00

I think it doesn’t matter at all, and you can feel however you want about it as long as you’re not an asshole.

I personally don’t care and neither does my husband, I have a pretty high body count and he has a low one, and it hasn’t caused any issues at all if anything it benefits him greatly cause I am a big old hoe for him and him alone plus I am adventurous and down try new things.

But as long as you aren’t a hypocrite and you don’t talk down to others about what they do I don’t think it matters. If you have a low count and you want a low count go for it! It’s not uncommon for body counts to relate to our values, not always but when it does it especially makes sense to seek out people like you. So you do you and let other do them, which also means not getting upset because you can’t date people you find attractive due to their number.

AidsVictim · 2022-07-21T02:51:18+00:00

Should the number of sexual partners that each individual in a couple has had be as close to equal as possible?

Ideally yes but I don't believe it's a deal breaker and mostly it's an issue when one partners n count is quite high

What would you prefer for yourself?

Low n count women will always be preferable over high n count women all other factors being equal. But overall personality and looks are more important, although personality is often tied in with n count.

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves?

Yes

If their partner does take issue with the truth, and had that been a deal breaker for them, should it be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

Should this be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

No, what the hell?

Does n-count matter to you when there are studies that prove general trends to increased number of sexual partners largely coming in the form of consequences, for both men and women? Why or why not?

Whether you believe n counts matter or not (I do) people with different modes of sexual socialization and experiences are less likely to be compatible in a long term situation.

throwaway264757 · 2022-07-21T02:06:26+00:00

I'm not gonna answer all those questions because I think they don't matter but my body count is around 40 and about 35 of them were virgins so Ive always been in mismatched body count relationships and it's been no problem.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-07-21T04:12:51+00:00

Should the number of sexual partners that each individual in a couple has had be as close to equal as possible?

I won't say SHOULD but it might cause less issues if it does

Would it be degrading otherwise? Why or why not?

It depends on your mentality more than anything

What would you prefer for yourself?

I'm not somebody that's super hung up on body count but what I have now is fine, I've slept with nearly 30 more people than my wife that works

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

I mean yeah lying and misleading, especially when you know or think it would affect the person wanting to be with you is wrong

If their partner does take issue with the truth, and had that been a deal breaker for them, should it be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

😂😂😂, don't be like the feminists now we have to have a higher standard for what "grape" actually is

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves?

Yes

And should there be a punishment specifically for individuals who lie and wrongly take someone's virginity?

I mean I'm trying to get an annulment and if that doesn't work I'm cheating throughout the entire marriage

If you are a virgin, what would you prefer for yourself?

If I was somebody who was really concerned about my own virginity and it was a point to save myself for marriage with somebody else, I would probably prefer another virgin but ultimately it comes down to who I connect with the most

Does n-count matter to you when there are studies that prove general trends to increased number of sexual partners largely coming in the form of consequences, for both men and women? Why or why not?

Not really, again it's not something that I'm hung up with, however a certain amount within a certain time would be a bit of a red flag if I'm dating a 30 year old and she's been with 10 guys, whatever, if I'm dating an 18-year-old and she's been with 10 guys, bit of a red flag

On a side note, my favorite projection about the whole discussion is how women call guys discussing body count a " Revenge fantasy" and yet they take the exact same story word for word and act like we're supposed to take their word as Gospel 😂😂😂

anjovis150 · 2022-07-21T08:53:54+00:00

It's important for a lot of people. It's better if people have roughly the same level of experience.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-07-21T10:02:14+00:00

1- yes, 1.2- I wouldn't consider it degrading, but retroactive jealousy, fear of missing out, resentment, bitterness and incompatibility of values are more likely to occur in cases of greater mismatch of past experience, 1.3- me and my bf have similar counts and I am happy about that 2- Yes, I believe it's wrong for an individual to hide their body count from their partner, 2.1- wtf no, how would it be rape, 2.2- I know my partner's count and he knows mine 3- It's wrong to lie about your count, 3.1- it's not rape, 3.2- there should be no punishment for stuff like this in the civilized world, it's a personal matter, just like cheating shouldn't be punished by the state, altough it's a shitty thing to do 4- there are many more factors at play here, not everything is black or white- ideally my partner's count wouldbe similar to mine, but if you really click with someone and they are right for you in every other way, I don't think n count is of much importance here

2022-07-21T10:32:29+00:00

I feel you stand a better chance of not running into certain issues. But the quality comes into play also. A someone with nothing but ltrs is probably look at someone with equal numbers but only hook ups and fwbs as a fuck doll (guy and girl here.) Hook up people should probably stay with their same kind. They don't take that kind of thing serious as others will.

ass-thetics · 2022-07-21T11:18:59+00:00

A man who sleeps around has sexual value. The same cannot be said for the women (evolutionary speaking).

Naebany · 2022-07-21T12:31:53+00:00

I think having similar n count can be good for relationship, one shouldn't deceive the other about it cause it's important for some people and you shouldn't build relationship on a lie.

Me personally I like younger women so itd be a bit weird if she had similar n count. Then relatively she slept around more than I did. I like it to be as small as possible but I had a girl that didn't want to tell me hers and said it was a lot cause she partied a lot when she was young and it didn't bother me that much I guess. But still would like it otherwise.

KissMyAsthma-99 · 2022-07-21T13:43:45+00:00

It should be as equal as possible, absolutely. This is especially true the closer that number is to 0.

literaryhogwartian · 2022-07-21T13:43:57+00:00

I care. I would never have dated a man who had had one night stands or a lot if lovers

sarkington · 2022-07-21T15:11:45+00:00

Either it bothers you or it doesn’t. I wouldn’t try to change it

tpablazed · 2022-07-21T17:06:08+00:00

The only correct answer is that it depends on the couple..

My wife has less than 10 on her count.. I have well over 100. Doesn't matter to either of us tho.

Looking at the comments here it's obvious that there are tons of couples where that does matter.. so it definitely depends on the couple.

FireGodGoesSeeknFire · 2022-07-21T18:39:31+00:00

So unless you have some draconian enforcement mechanism the equal body count thing will be impossible to maintain because there are men who

1) Strongly prefer their wife to have a low/zero count

2) Strongly prefer themselves to have a high count

3) Have enough value to outweigh most women's -- by comparison -- weaker preferences about either 1 or 2.

bluestjuice · 2022-07-21T00:57:39+00:00

My value is intrinsic; it can’t be degraded or upgraded by my partner’s sexual experience level.

delight-n-angers · 2022-07-21T02:20:40+00:00

I don't care about body count. I do think lying about it is stupid and wrong, but u value honesty as a principle. Not just when it comes to body count.

ManWazo · 2022-07-21T01:53:43+00:00

N count doesn't matter to me and most people around me

PM_ME_ZED_BARA · 2022-07-21T02:09:17+00:00

it depends on the partners’ values. It is not degrading otherwise since I don’t put much value of the count or the lack of it. Personally I don’t have n-count preference. I have a significantly high number.
yes, dishonesty to your partner is wrong. No, that situation is not rape. Personally, I don’t hide my body count but I don’t ask my partner’s either.
again, dishonesty is wrong but that situation is not rape. There should not be punishment by law or government in that case. But I don’t have problems with other people not trusting that liar.
n-count does not matter to me. First, the correlation is not that strong. Second, I don’t pick my partner randomly from the sample pool. My own vetting process, tailored for an individual partner, is more accurate than any judgment I could draw merely from n count.

poppy_blu · 2022-07-21T01:12:34+00:00

Christ. Can everyone just worry about their own lives and stop telling everyone else what to do?

SouthernGrass3 · 2022-07-21T01:25:37+00:00

Fair questions

Should the number of sexual partners that each individual in a couple has had be as close to equal as possible?

No, but preferable to have a similar type of history/or outlook on intimacy

Ex: If one person had 7 partners and the other 4, but they were all from relationships, that’s a reasonable fit. If they are 7 & 7 but one is from relationships and one is all casual, that’s more likely to signal compatibility issues.

Would it be degrading otherwise? Why or why not

I don’t think a number difference is degrading, some people might think certain circumstances are degrading

What would you prefer for yourself? similar type of history/outlook, over a particular number.

——————————————————————————

Is it wrong for an individual to hide their body count, if they believe their partner to dislike the truth?

It’s okay not to shove it in their face, but if they ask, it’s wrong to lie and if they talk about saving themselves and clearly think you have been doing the same, you should be honest. — I’d want a partner to handle it this way with me

If their partner does take issue with the truth, and had that been a deal breaker for them, should it be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

It’s really shitty, and if you could know this with certainty then it’s rape by deception

———————————————————————-—

Is it wrong for an individual to claim they are a virgin, so that they may marry someone who desires a virgin, when the individual who desires a virgin has waited for marriage themselves? Should this be considered rape had they had sex that the partner would've refused had they known the truth?

Seems like rape by deception

And should there be a punishment specifically for individuals who lie and wrongly take someone's virginity?

Probably not a specific punishment, but I’d imagine the virginity factor would be taken into consideration if you pressed charges

—————————————————————-———-

Does n-count matter to you when there are studies that prove general trends to increased number of sexual partners largely coming in the form of consequences, for both men and women? Why or why not?

I think it’s mainly correlation rather than causality, but there’s a good chance someone really high N or a virgin (at my age) has attributes that would make us incompatible anyway

anon018274031 · 2022-07-21T09:43:08+00:00

Trying to answer all the questions but on a phone so bare with: - I think having similar numbers means their view on sex is probably closer aligned. Although that also includes how they got them (LTR vs ONS) - not sure about degrading but I have a low body count so maybe that’s why? - I won’t sleep or date a man with a high body count, sex clearly means something different to them. (By high I mean greater than 15-20)

Hiding body count: - it’s not wrong to lie in very specific scenarios. For example in some cultures simply not being a virgin is enough for a woman to be in actual danger. So obviously in that scenario I say lie. All women I know who have spoke about it with also don’t include rape/sexual assault when they give their ‘number’ so I guess that’s technically a lie? BUT generally I’d say outside of very specific scenarios people should tell the truth - not rape, but it is a sort of sexual crime in my book. You consent to risk when you have sex. That has to be informed consent. I would say the same about lying about being tested since your last sexual encounter or STI status - I’m always honest, and I 100% wouldn’t be with someone unless i thought they were being honest.

Virgin questions: - if they are safe to be honest and lie it’s wrong. If they come from a culture where not lying will destroy their life then I don’t think it’s wrong to lie. (But they should be STI tested etc and I would assume their body count is 1 or pretty close too it). - same answer as above (excluding the scenarios in which people are forced to lie due to risk/culture etc). - if this was some calculated thing to be going around lying to take peoples virginities there should be consequences, it’s a form of coercion. The same way there should be consequences for people that promise the world to naive young people only to pump and jump as soon as they have sex. It’s coersive and for the victim leave them with usually permanent trust issues that will negatively impact every relationship moving foreword. - as a virgin I didn’t mind as long as the body count wasn’t massive (like under 5). But did end up losing it to another virgin.

LegitimateGlad · 2022-07-21T00:47:18+00:00

Yes
1. Yes, if shes higher = you beta.
2. Low
Yes, this is mainly for women, men have to lie because if it's low she will say ew no one wants to fuck him.
1. wut no
2. ?
Depends. Women will say i'm a born again virgin...no....If a guy admits to being a virgin it's over for him.
1. wut no
2. consent?
3. If i was a virgin and the chick lied, it's over.
high count more issues.

MicrospathodonChrys · 2022-07-21T02:59:00+00:00

It is not a big deal to me. My partner’s count is I think 10 times greater than mine. We have never discussed it during our relationship, but we were friends for a long time before getting together, and his count came up at some point in conversation back then and i vaguely remember it. He knows mine because it is distinctly low.

We both had lives before we met and before we were together. I was a little insecure in the beginning because i knew a few of his exes (and hookups) and was worried about how i measure up, but he’s made it very clear that he’s happy with his choice and we’ve been together for 3 years now. Our relationship is awesome.

And, lying is wrong. But it isn’t rape.

gladusgates · 2022-07-21T05:21:09+00:00

Men should have way more sexual experience and should experience a variety of women to better understand how women think and operate and how their bodies work. Men have to "just get it", but to "just get it" or to give the illusion that you do, you need experience to draw on. A man who knows what he's doing is attractive to women, a man who is clueless in the sack will not get a call back.

Furthermore, female nature is so complicated that if you don't gain this experience you could be setting yourself up for a hard-fall in the future.

A woman should have a low body count because her experience is irrelevant, her ability to pair bond drops with successive partners and a woman who is promiscuous is unattractive.

OriginalRushdoggie · 2022-07-21T02:27:04+00:00

I really DGAF. I would have a hard time being in a serious relationship with anyone who did.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-07-21T03:13:30+00:00

Virgin who is also dating a virgin here.

For me it's mostly preferred as a proxy for similar attitudes/values about sex.

Definitely think it's wrong for a person to lie about virginity but I also don't think that sort of thing should be brought up carelessly. Or that an individual is obligated to answer intimate questions like this for a stranger just because said stranger is romantically interested in them. But the correct thing to do in that case is to say you're not comfortable sharing yet, not lying.

sarkington · 2022-07-21T03:23:34+00:00

Depends on the person, as do all things

Isn’t diversity great?

TryLambda · 2022-07-21T00:50:12+00:00

N count for men doesn’t matter as men don’t get subconscious emotional baggage from sex

midwesternMD · 2022-07-21T04:31:22+00:00

Lots of questions to unpack here. Here are my thoughts, as a mid-30s divorced man.

Should n counts be similar in a couple? I believe that n counts are irrelevant. What matters most is that both parties have compatible values, lifestyles, goals, and yes, sexualities. If it took the man 20 partners to figure out what he likes and it took the woman 2 partners to accomplish the same, and their sexual preferences are compatible, I would say: game on. If they both figure it out with 1 partner each: game on. Etc.

Would mismatched n counts be degrading? I don’t think so. See above.

What would I prefer personally? My n count is in the 20s, I think. I think that I am highly averse to virgins. I dated two virgins in my adult life, and could not go through with hooking up with either of them because I wasn’t confident enough that we’d be good fits. I’d probably set the compatibility bar so high for virgins that it’s not realistic. As an upper limit, I might get antsy around 50? Maybe 100? I’m not sure. But since I generally don’t care (and since I don’t want to share my n count), I don’t ask.

Is it wrong for someone to hide their n count? By omission, I don’t think so. It’s the same as not disclosing that you used to wet the bed, bullied some kid in school, were bullied in school, etc. It’s extra information that doesn’t really define you anymore.

Should it be considered rape to deceive your partner regarding your n count? This is getting philosophical. I would say it should not be considered rape, though it would be pretty fucked up.

Would I prefer my partner to withhold or deceive me about her n count? I would prefer her to withhold that information. Hence my don’t ask don’t tell policy.

Is it wrong for someone to claim to be a virgin in order to marry a virgin? Another philosophical line of questioning. It would be morally wrong in my book.

Would lying about virginity to take someone’s virginity be rape? I would say no, despite how fucked up that would be.

Should there be punishment for people who lie about their virginity in order to take someone else’s virginity? I think social punishment would be appropriate. I don’t think codifying punishment would make sense. Particularly since the burden of proof would be damn near insurmountable.

If I were a virgin, what would I prefer? Well I’m not a virgin, so my opinion doesn’t matter as much. But if I were a virgin, I think I would prefer the same things I prefer now.

Does n count matter to me in light of study findings? No. There might be a bit of cognitive dissonance. I practice medicine, so evidence based practice is what I live and breathe. If those cited studies are well designed and valid, it would imply that I am personally unfit for dating and relationships. I don’t believe that I’m an unfit partner. Like most things (including medicine), I read some things in depth, and I read the highlights on other things. N-count is something I only am aware of peripherally. I would hazard a guess that if brushed up on biostats for sociological studies, found those papers, and read them analytically, I would probably find some issue with study design, study power, interpretation of the findings, etc. But my leisure time is finite, I don’t obsess about n count, and I really don’t care about sociological studies anyway. So I won’t do that work. Instead, I will continue to believe that n count doesn’t matter for me and to me, and I’ll live my life. Put another way, if people want to put so much stock in the n count studies, then maybe everyone would eat healthy, sleep adequately, exercise often, reduce internet time, make more social connections, etc. Obviously people don’t do all of those things, even though there’s plenty of evidence based medicine that show those behaviors reduce risk. If people can’t be bothered to reduce the risk to their health, why should I be bothered to acknowledge (potential) risk to my ability to pair bond?

cunningcaring · 2022-07-21T07:16:23+00:00

N count: don't ask, don't tell.

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Fat_Papaya · 2022-07-21T00:41:11+00:00

[permanently deleted]

InternationalMetal58 · 2022-07-21T04:40:52+00:00

I don’t care. I’m an introvert who doesn’t drink and avoids nightlife or meeting strangers - I also prefer and seem to attract similar types of men to myself. Body counts and whatever is not really something I have ever had to overthink

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-21T09:25:07+00:00

Most people prefer their partner's body count to be similar to their own, and may feel like it's degrading to do otherwise. There's no universal "should" about it - some people may have other preferences (although I think that one is likely to turn out badly) or just don't care that much. I prefer a similar count, so 0-3 - there's nothing degrading about it, I just prefer it as well as seeing how it could affect compatibility.

It's not wrong to just not say your count. Nobody is owed that information, all you owe it to them is not to lie. It may be a bad idea to hide it, but that's your call. It's not rape to just not tell someone something that may or may not affect their decision to have sex - someone might not want to have sex with me if they know I'm Irish but it's not rape if I didn't tell them. If they did actively lie, you could argue for some kind of sexual misconduct, but they consented to the act at the end of the day so it's not rape. I would ask well before having sex, and we're not going to have sex until well into a relationship, so I would naturally be quite angry if they lied.

My thoughts on this would be the same as on lying in the previous case. Losing your virginity is legally the same as any other kind of sex you have, and I see no reason to change that, not that I really think there should be legal punishment in either case. If you personally attach some greater meaning to it that may affect any punishment you decide to give to the other person. The only complicating factor is that the couple is married, but I don't know enough about divorce law to decide if I think it could be used to divorce in some way or not. I'm not entirely sure if I could've lost my virginity to someone who wasn't also a virgin, but luckily for me that didn't become a problem.

The studies aren't really the most prominent concern in my mind when I think about the body count I'd like in a partner. It's more important to me that someone has similar views on sex to me that it isn't something to have with just anyone and is more likely to be okay with the amount of time it takes me to become comfortable with having sex. That and my brain just kind of sees the idea of having sex with someone who's had casual sex as gross.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-07-21T10:14:57+00:00

I really don’t think body count is important and had no idea what my OHs was.

As it’s brought up so much here I thought I would ask, his is 5. Mine I lost count of.

He had never asked so it’s never come up before.

It’s never caused a problem in our relation or sex life

Willow-girl · 2022-07-21T10:46:53+00:00

Just the other day, my man's older sister was telling funny stories about him hitting on her college friends when he was still in HS. I can totally see that! Glad he had his fun too.

xzpw · 2022-07-21T12:27:06+00:00

Literally don’t care. I’d be only concerned with extremes like 0-4 or 50+. Anything in between (5-50) is generally whatever. I’m mostly looking at women who are 25-30. For the overwhelming majority of women - this is really a non issue. Problem… I like hot women. They tend to fall outside the norms. 😩

The reason being - women I’m interested in are hot. Hot women get a lot of attention. Hot women are probably gonna have sex with a decent amount of dudes if for no other reason than they can and they get bored. I have no problems with that - a lot of partners are just ONS and literally mean nothing. Many will be completely forgotten - that’s how non-important it is.

I’ve never had an issue with a high amount of partners. I get more sus about the types of partners and the dynamics. Like - was she ever poly? That might indicate they’re actually wishing to be poly but can’t figure it out and are gonna get FOMO at some point. How satisfying have the sexual relationships been in the past? Are they all meh/bad? Probably not good because then there’s likely something wrong with them - if nothing other than unable to figure themselves out. It’s not always the case - like I’ve been with women who had never orgasmed before they met me and they had a non-trivial amount of sexual partners. So, it’s not like end of world - it’s more like… something to keep an eye out for.

Do they have a lot of experience with super kinky or something outside the usual monogamous heterosexual sex practices realm? Might not be an issue - might signal incompatibility because they might want things I am not interested in doing. (e.g. knife play or elaborate shibari or whatever the fuck - I’ve met/know a lot of women like this…) I’m not really a guy who’s into 3+ hour sex sessions on the regular - and all that kinky shit takes time. I got shit to do, man.

So, tldr - don’t really care about past partners or experiences. Mostly just hope they come to the table with good skills and a good mental mindset. What they’ve done in the past might not really matter. I’m a tryhard - I try to be the best for every partner. No one ever has complaints - like I’m top 10% always even from the first go.

hhhhhhikkmvjjhj · 2022-07-21T13:26:42+00:00

Body count is such a nonsense metric alone. You have to pair it with how much sex you have had also.

I’m in my late 30s and have had sex a handful of time with 2 women. Most with the same “body count” have been in long term committed relationships and have had sex hundreds if not thousands of times by my age. That is usually a much bigger problem in terms of experience.

redditiasausagefest · 2022-07-21T14:07:26+00:00

I think people generally end up with partners around the same n just because they have similar backgrounds and temperaments, level of attractiveness, etc. Like my bf and I are both extroverts and his n is around 40 and mine is around 30. But we didn't ask each other that, it just came out years into the relationship that I found his out and realized it's close to mine. And I guess it made sense.

ProseccoIsLife · 2022-07-21T15:19:59+00:00

I discussed n-count only once, years ago, when I was just entering the dating scene and from then on I've never found it important. It's cool if the other side have had more or less experience, as long as they made sure to be healthy are are clean the moment we decide to become intimate.

I wouldn't say that not disclosing this info to a partner that cares is rape, although it's hard for me to understand why someone would like to be with a person, who feels entitled to one's sexual past and number of people in it. Same for the virginity case. In case it stems from religious believes its a more assholish move I guess, but still not comparable to sexual assualt.

GunslingerParrot · 2022-07-21T15:50:34+00:00

Yes and no. An ex of mine had the brilliant idea of going into great detail how she would go crazy in the bedroom with her the ex’s. She was also a serial monogamous individual - something she was even proud of. Caught her taking notes of my car and new license plate the other day, too. Not sure how everything tangles together but yeah.

Adventurous-Winner72 · 2022-07-21T17:36:53+00:00

I never ask or disclose that information with a man! We all had a pass; And no number is good. Too little=inexperience too many= hoe/f boy I leave it off of the table and every guy has respected us not disclosing. It shouldn’t matter! What does matter is getting tested and sharing results and being safe!

2022-07-21T17:58:22+00:00

The right answer is: Unless it involves you directly, it's no one's business. I see it as just another thing to be insecure about. The truth is that everyone lies. You can let it eat you up inside or you can grow up and realize that there's nothing you can do about it. No one should feel guilty about their dating life.

Especially, if you're a divorcee or over 40. Make peace with it and resist the urge to judge your prospective partner.

WaffleBurner96 · 2022-07-21T23:26:36+00:00

Gonna paraphrase so I don’t have to retype every question:

Should the number… be as close to equal as possible?

That’s up to you and your partner. I haven’t found there to be any benefit to dating high n men vs dating low n men, however, as long as they weren’t very low or very high n men. Mine and my husband’s n counts are severely mismatched (~50 and 6, respectively) and our marriage is wonderful.

Would it be degrading otherwise?

Why would it be degrading?

What would you prefer for yourself?

N counts between 5 and 50, I think, if I had to start over.

Is it wrong…to dislike the truth

Yes. Dishonesty never really goes well, especially early in a relationship.

If their partner does take issue… had they known the truth?

No. Just like it shouldn’t be considered rape when men promise commitment to get sex and then bounce.

What would you prefer for yourself?

I disclosed mine to my husband truthfully, and I believe he did to me as well.

Is it wrong for an individual… waited for marriage themselves?

Yes, especially if the other person has waited til marriage.

Should this be considered rape…

Again, no.

And should there be… wrongly take someone’s virginity?

Not a legal one, but certainly there should be social repercussions.

Does n-count matter to you… for both men and women?

Not really. I just wouldn’t want to date a virgin or somebody who’s n count is symptomatic of mental illness.

Title	Mismatched Body-Counts: Important or Not?
Author	Fat_Papaya
Upvotes	33
Comments	277
Date	July 21, 2022 12:31 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/w42aa1/mismatched_bodycounts_important_or_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/mismatched-body-counts-important-or-not.1209313 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209313

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