What specific social missteps are common among romantically struggling men?

love_in_october · 2026-04-19T15:25:02+00:00

Talking about sex or using sexual language too quickly. Romantic interactions should not be approached as a way to rush into sexual situations as quickly as possible and it shouldn't feel like they are.

kmb218 · 2026-04-19T15:53:33+00:00

not being able to initiate or lead conversations with new people / generally lack of initiative
social anxiety preventing natural interaction
not knowing how to flirt or show interest
not good at reading body language and cues that indicate disinterest and being “creepy” as a result of that
not good at identifying when someone is interested

Kaleidoscopetide · 2026-04-19T16:25:33+00:00

Having nothing to say! Like, not being an equal participant in conversation, bringing up new and interesting topics, sharing opinions, etc. A lot of struggling single guys have trouble keeping a conversation alive, because their contributions don’t include anything that the other person can build on.

Some examples: A: have you seen weapons? (Trying to find common ground) B: yeah A: Oh, did you like it? B: yeah I thought it was alright. I wasn’t really paying attention

^this contribution ends the conversation, because A can’t say anything about something B didn’t pay attention to. This is fine if B puts forward something he DOES want to talk about, but if he doesn’t, the conversation grinds to a halt.

Under that umbrella, a lot of guys (and women) who struggle conversationally often do not share enough opinions, specifically about things that the other person would have opinions about. Sometimes they fall into the trap of sharing FACTS, rather than opinions, which stand on their own and don’t usually invite many opinions. “Did you know that hamsters are native to France” “I went to France this summer with my brother” are both facts. What’s their partner supposed to say about that? “Cool?”

procrast1natrix · 2026-04-19T15:51:47+00:00

I didn't like splashy dates and gifts, it felt intimidating and as though I owed something in return. The fancy restaurant, being given an expensive gadget, it made me feel as though maybe he didn't think I could care for myself. Or he was trying too hard, raising the concern that maybe he wouldn't be a good planner for household finance. Maybe that was just him. Anyhow, didn't work.

So to be very specific, look out for discomfort with financial disparity. Yes some women thrill for this, and some women seek it to exploit it. Those women are pretty much jerks. The universal answer is to be very calm and confident with who you are and what you have, and then set that aside and focus on where she's coming from and meet her there.

Suggest very local, thoughtful dates. Let's walk through the botanical garden. There's a very chill astronomy thing happening at the University. This other spot has fantastic ice cream made right at that dairy farm.

....

I agree with other posters that I've been seriously put off by guys who were immediately sexual. As in, I understand that I'm hot. But if that's all you want, take your want elsewhere.

ThotismSpeaks · 2026-04-19T21:25:16+00:00

Men who don't get a lot of female attention will grasp onto any woman who shows the slightest interest like a life preserver and not let go. They place her on a pedestal and lovebomb her, but it's uncomfortable and not even flattering because their standards are "be female" and that's it. Unfortunately this tends to scare dates off and make them even more desperate for the next time until they learn to cool it and be less clingy.

Expensive_Lion1807 · 2026-04-19T15:41:14+00:00

Continuing to try to engage when there’s a lack of CLEAR, ENTHUSIASTIC, and CONSISTENT reciprocal interest (not just politeness or tolerance) from the woman.

That’s what gets labeled creepy, cringy, annoying, needy, aggressive etc.

You will never really “win someone over” by wearing them down or “being persistent” so don’t try.

Move on and save your energy for those who ARE interested and if you aren’t 100% sure, they aren’t interested.

pie-mart · 2026-04-19T15:33:14+00:00

Idk, imo when I date guys I end things with its because they are so all or nothing

A guy I was dating was giving me crazy amount of gifts and I felt loved bombed.

He then completely stopped trying to make plans, hold hands or being affectionate

They take a criticism of "too much" and reduce all effort versus just what you critique and dial it to 0

And they also tend to take criticism as them as a personal attack versus me trying to make things work out

It just gets tedious not being able to talk to them about the relationship then my needs aren't met and I am unable to safely communicate my needs to them cuz they then need to be coddled and I end apologizing to them

So, at a certain point I just have to end things

waffleznstuff30 · 2026-04-20T04:24:46+00:00

This heavy dependence on outcome? "If I do this I should get this" instead of treating dating like information gathering. Its I did this why won't this happen and then some broad universal statement "it's because I'm not.xyz" like expecting sex on the first date, as a sign she is really into you and if not she is playing games and withholding. Or unnecessary pressure on something new instead of letting it pan out.
Not knowing when to lean in and when to back off. So if someone is clearly not interested continuing to pursue them is "creepy". Even if creepy isn't your intention and you're not outwardly being a creep. Persistence kills you here do not be persistent if they aren't into you just take that as information and keep it rolling. In the same thing if she is feeling you out and you don't lean in get curious or kind of pursue. It's like oh I don't think he's that interested.
Desperation. I think it's kinda like point 1. But it's a fun game I like to play. Where I will blatantly disagree with a statement they said. I may actually agree but I will say something contrary to it. And if they change their opinion to impress me. It's like I can see through the facade. It's a very common "nice guy" tactic. But basically just throwing yourself at every single woman you meet. In that desperation they also will idealize you? Or make you a character of who they think you are. You're a woman shaped thing they can take in their life that they assign meaning and character to. Its like talking to a brick wall because you're not seen? You are the image of you they project and it gets old really fast.
Boriiiinnnngggggg. Not in an emotional abusive or coercive way. Like intermittent reinforcement toxic dynamics. But literally conversation skills of a potato! If your only hobby is watching something on a screen. Boring. Or conversations are "wyd" "chilling" or something about drinking or smoking weed. It's boring. Like what's a fun thing you did. What's something fun you would look forward to. Where is playful banter. It's just to the point.

toad-wrangler · 2026-04-19T19:04:35+00:00

There have been countless books written about pro-social behavior, ettiquette, and manners. I'd recommend reading some, implementing what you learn, asking friends who actually see you and know you how you are doing, and using any constructive criticism to improve your behavior. If you don't have friends, I'd recommend starting with implementing pro-social behaviors reguarding developing friendships before romantic relationships so you can get useful criticism from real friends who observe your behavior.

Different people have different social issues- it would be the most efficient to get feedback from people who know you and what your issues are as an individual rather than trying to psychoanalyse yourself or focusing on generic pro-social behavior. That's the actions I would recommend to anyone struggling socially. Social behavior has been studied extensively, published, and boiled down into something non-scientists can understand in many, many books. Read books written by the people who have studied the stuff, implement those things, and get constructive criticism from people who see your behavior to improve. Just make sure to double check the credentials of the authors to avoid wasting your time on people trying to capitalize on loneliness by appealing to your ego and emotions- they aren't interested in helping people, just making money.

Acrobatic-Monk9735 · 2026-04-19T15:44:27+00:00

Accusing women of being hypergamous

Raging about not having sex fast

Sexual coercion

Guilt tripping women who want to wait to have sex

Ranting about the wall

Insulting fat women instead of simply saying nothing

Putting women down for their appearance

Worrying about child support

Calling stay at home moms leeches and gold diggers

Getting stingy and weird about paying for the first date

Grossly overestimating how attractive their looksmatch is and throwing a tantrum about not getting their looksmatch

Lemon_gecko · 2026-04-19T15:48:34+00:00

I'm more into casual, so take that into account, that's not about relationship.

Common one would be insults, and by that i mean subtle jabs at anything, hobby, looks, lifestyle.

Stubbornness about minor things. Like if i don't want to give away some information, and it's obvious, but not yet confrontational, some guys want to push more. For what i have no idea.

Inability to flirt. I don't mind starting that, but i would think that it's still important because like it or not, it usually falls on men to start doing that. And also lack of understanding that it is a needed step, talking about weather isn't enough.

Not showing enough emotions. I want to see some enthusiasm, not complete indifference.

Specific arrogance. The easiest way to demonstrate would be to tell about some chat online that i had, when i described that i have a fetish about corrupting a virgin, to teach him, to see him enjoying sex, becoming "addicted" to it. And a guy i told that reacted like "yeah, a woman once tried to do that to me, she couldn't" and it was said with arrogance, like he is above it, like it's not that big of a deal. Like "haha, she lost, stupid thing to do with him, he is too stoic for it". And that attitude that showing pleasure is something submissive and he is too cool for that, that someone is stupid for trying things with him, that he is all above it, that is turn off. I'm not talking about that fetish only, i'm talking about that attitude that can be shown in lots of situations.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2026-04-19T16:01:53+00:00

Trying to move too quickly, not taking much of an interest in what the other person is saying, treating the interaction like a game where if you go through your dialogue tree, you should get XYZ at the end.

Don't treat the other person like an obstacle to a vagina, actually try to interact with them because you think they're cool/fun/interesting to get to know. If you don't think they are, try to find someone who you do think is those things.

CanaryHeart · 2026-04-19T16:26:43+00:00

Assuming we’re speaking very generally here, some things I might suggest struggling men ask themselves:

—Are you putting any effort into aesthetics? Do your clothes fit well? Is your hair (and facial hair) decently groomed and maintained? Is your living space clean and inviting? If you’re looking for dates online, do you put time and effort into taking and curating your profile pictures, or did you slap up a bathroom selfie with an unkempt background?

—Are you emotionally literate? Can you identify your own feelings accurately and express them calmly? Do you generally have healthy communication and conflict resolution skills? Are you aware of your own emotional needs? Are you collaborative and flexible enough to work with a partner to try to make sure everyone’s emotional needs are regularly met? Do you have a healthy emotional support system (close friends/family, a therapist, community/social groups, etc.) outside of a romantic relationship? Can you take criticism without knee-jerk defensiveness? Can you give criticism without mockery or contempt? Can you hold your own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others?

—Do you make an effort to connect with a potential partner non-sexually? Do you ask meaningful open-ended questions? Do you show interest in a potential partner’s hobbies, goals, worries, and dreams? Can you typically recognize and respond to bids for connection?

—Are you able to handle dating “failure?” Can you get comfortable with vulnerability, or at least comfortable with the discomfort? Can you get rejected or have a lot of “meh” dates without retreating inward? Do you treat dating as an opportunity to learn about yourself and another person, or as a high-stakes pass/fail event?

—Are you actually prioritizing dating, or are you just wishing you would meet the right person by magic? Are you hanging out in spaces where people share your interests? Do you regularly interact with a variety of other people in person? Are you open minded and curious about the people you meet, even if you don’t immediately see them as a potential partner?

Theawkwardmochi · 2026-04-21T09:57:35+00:00

What specific social missteps are common among romantically struggling men?

I would say all these missteps boil down to one thing:

Lack of confidence. Confidence is basically catnip. You don't have to have a ton of money, be tall, bulky nor look like a top model, none of that whatever pill color bs. If you have confidence, the world is your oyster.

This is a huge one that breaks down into multiple characteristics and behaviors such as:

Not liking yourself.

Why: if you have low self esteem, it shows. How is anyone supposed to like you if you don't even like yourself? If you don't like yourself, you also have no interest in improving yourself.

How to fix: Before you try to make people like you, make sure YOU like yourself. Focus on making your life the best it can possibly be - for yourself. Do things to make you happy. If you get to a level where your reason to look for a partner is to make your life even better rather than somewhat bearable, you will find it a lot easier to attract a woman - and one that is in the same mental space to that.

Treating the date as some sort of a test or shag buddy interview.

Why: if you're all tense and stressed, you seem hesitant, boring, awkward and unauthentic. If you're there to have a nice time, you relax and can actually be yourself

How to fix: go in thinking you are there to have a good time and enjoy yourself, as you would going out with friends or doing something else for fun
Not acting like you're the one who's making a selection, too. Some men treat dating as something extremely one-sided and that's very off-putting.

Why: women like to feel special (who doesn't). If you act like your only standard is her existing, and your bar is so low it doesn't even count as a bar, she's just a random chick who looked in your general direction. Nobody wants to be the random chick.

How to fix: fix your mindset. She's there to decide whether she wants to meet you again, sure. But so are you. Think "let's see if I like her" rather than "let's hope she likes me"

Fearing failure. Yes I get it, not all people have a chance to go on a date every two days. But all people experience rejection. It's a normal part of modern dating.

Why: if you're terrified of being rejected, it speaks (screams) a lot about your confidence- or lack thereof. You can be the sweetest and most peaceful creature in the known universe, but desperation is off-putting to both men and women, and it's just self-preservation. Not all desperate individuals are dangerous, but a lot of dangerous individuals are desperate.

How to fix: upgrade your attitude to take it or leave it. Everything else will follow.

-Quantity over quality. Having a lot of right swipes is only a little better than having none.

Why: most people don't actually like generic stuff. Being generic and a safe right swipe will make you a great second choice. It's just that nobody wants to be a second choice.

How to fix: actually have a profile that says who you are. Good photos and please have a profile description. My dating times are long over but if I got a tenner for every time I swiped left on an absolutely gorgeous guy because his profile said absolutely nothing about his personality, I'd be living on a private island now.

-Mistaking being an ass for confidence.

Why all these cocky behaviors like acting superior/dismissive, negging, being intentionally distant, hissy, aggressive etc don't say you're confident. They say you're compensating for something. If there's anything at all a woman could do to "emasculate" you, you're not there yet.

How to fix: work on being confident, not performing confidence. A confident man is a gentleman, he's polite and attentive. He absolutely shows interest, it's just that the woman knows she's earned that interest, not that it's been granted to her for just existing.

overly relying on external advice for dating

Why: People will always give you extremely subjective advice. Men will tell you what they think worked for them, women (including myself) will tell you what they think they'd like in a man. And you might not even want the same thing these men wanted and you might not even want the kind of woman the woman who gave you the advice is.

How to fix: give it a thought and only apply what resonates with you. At the risk of sounding pretty biological - mating is intuitive. If it wasn't, we wouldn't have survived as a species. You already have your best individual dating advisor - your gut. External advice is only an addition and only has value if it builds upon your gut feeling, not contradicts it.

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Nellylocheadbean · 2026-04-19T16:28:04+00:00

Being too awkward and shy. Lack of charm, wit spontaneity and charisma.

anomalocarus · 2026-04-19T23:01:54+00:00

In my experience guys are really bad at showing that they care or are interested, and then are super surprised when i break up with them and tell them its because i thought they didnt care.

cb8585b · 2026-04-19T23:02:09+00:00

Obvious desperation to the point it comes off very aggressive.

sablesalsa · 2026-04-20T15:28:50+00:00

Advancing flirting too quickly or bringing up sex/porn/any intimate or personal topic before the other person seems comfortable. Overanalyzing body language/texts/whatever social signals from other people. Assuming hostility in situations where there is none.

Now for the internal ones: having a defeatist attitude (ex. "this isn't gonna work out anyway I don't know why I'm trying"), disliking women in general/not seeing them as people, and being desperate. These come across in a person's actions even if they don't think so, and it's uncomfortable to be around.

BlackTransMaam2 · 2026-04-20T15:48:53+00:00

Being fat, especially at a younger age. Having a dad bod in your 40s is ok if you've got a solid career. Having a "dad bod" in your 20s with a shitty/non-existent career ain't gonna cut it.

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-04-21T01:11:25+00:00

If I could pinpoint the exact problem of many socially awkward men and give actionable advice to be more likable and more attractive, I would be charging money.

Attitude is a problem I see in many men. How do I explain the exact attitude that's the issue? The men I know in real life who would consider themselves "well-intentioned but unattractive" are simultaneously sort of pitiful but also entitled. They can easily become the worst-intentioned men. I don't know a lot of these guys. They don't last long in mixed-gender hobby spaces.

I know many regular men who don't really care about dating anymore, don't consider themselves to be well-intentioned, and generally seem friendlier and better adjusted than any man who considers himself well-intentioned.

First actionable step: stop considering yourself "well-intentioned."

Tylikcat · 2026-04-21T02:06:04+00:00

As a note, I make a distinction between personality and social skills, with the later being more presentation.

Probably the most common one I see is with use of sexual innuendo. If you're just looking for hookups,, well, it wouldn't work for me but I'm out of touch with that scene. But if you're looking for a relationship? Do not do this at least until after the first date, and probably after the second. And even there, it's risky because if you aren't above average at reading social cues it's likely to come off as slimy.

There is a lot of complexity, and sure, someone who is outgoing and socially fluent can probably get away with some delicate innuendo at first meet. (And there are outliers, especially when alcohol is involved.) But if that isn't you (and if you're here it probably isn't) it's far more likely to alienate the person you're talking to.

ThatBitchA · 2026-04-19T22:39:21+00:00

Believing in RP or manosphere nonsense.

Obsessing over sex.

Gilmoregirlin · 2026-04-20T19:12:21+00:00

I think it's generally lack of socialization and not just with women or potential dates, I mean overall. Because of this they lack the ability to read social cues, which are super important in dating. Actionable, yes, get out and socialize more and not just for the purpose of dating.

Title	What specific social missteps are common among romantically struggling men?
Author	Prudent_Heat23
Upvotes	26
Comments	325
Date	April 19, 2026 3:18 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1spvsr0/what_specific_social_missteps_are_common_among/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-specific-social-missteps-are-common-among.1578339 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578339

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