🚨Vetting Strategy: Watch how a man drives

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-06-21T05:30:36+00:00

PARKING LIKE A JACKASS! 🙄

drunkenwithlust · 2021-06-21T08:31:03+00:00

Omg this is so important. Back in my teen years I dated a guy who seemed HV, even taught me how to drive stick. Had it all together, the works. Then he casually mentioned one day that he got so enraged at a person's driving that he followed them to their house and parked outside for a few minutes.

I swear I narrowly escaped death dating that man.

Bwolffff · 2021-06-21T07:42:16+00:00

THIS IS SO TRUE. I was talking to this guy earlier this year and the one time that he drove me somewhere, he was legit texting while driving THE WHOLE TIME. I’m not kidding. He barely had his eyes on the road the entire 20 minute ride. I felt so unsafe and was extremely turned off. He ended up being a terrible guy down the line, and I wasn’t shocked at all.

Platipus6 · 2021-06-21T05:04:58+00:00

Second "dirty car". Signifies lack of consideration for your comfort. Garbage where your feet go? He's ok with you sitting in trash. Stains, sand, crackers, mouldy fries and ketchup on the seat? Gross. Broken seatbelt or door handle? Doesn't care if you're safe. Heater or aircon broken? Is ok with you sweating or freezing, or blasting your hair with the window down.

Any kind of two seater or ridiculously low car? Has no intention of being a family man, doesn't care where the groceries go, wants you to hold luggage on your lap, doesn't care that you struggle to enter and exit in a dress, and needs a pp extension.

Tailgating, break-checking semi trucks, driving dangerously, laughing at your terror? Exit ASAP and find another way home. He's a psycho using his car as a weapon.

edit: also fucking up the flow of traffic to let a pretty woman cross in front of him where it's not necessary, not a crosswalk, not her right of way etc. No-one can predict what he's doing, she can't predict whether he's going to take off again and hit her, and it's all a clusterfuck so he can ogle someone under the guise of being a gentleman (or forcing her to trot because the oncoming traffic isn't stopping in the other lane).

heroic_nincompoop · 2021-06-21T05:40:10+00:00

This is such an important topic! I have a question about "If he makes a mistake on the road, he apologizes🚩" Can you explain why that's a red flag? Sometimes when I'm driving, I'll mutter a little "Sorry!" to myself if I feel like I made a mistake. One time, I accidentally cut someone off (they sped up while I was merging lanes and wound up getting scarily close to me) and said "Sorry!" when they pulled up next to me afterwards. The driver gave me a dirty look but by apologizing I de-escalated the situation. Could you elaborate on why apologizing is a red flag? 🤔

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-06-21T10:04:10+00:00

Add to this: Being high behind the wheel or even smoking (anything) in the car. Also, unwilling to pick you up from the train station or refusing get you out of jam when something unexpected happens.

K0rla · 2021-06-21T10:11:09+00:00

Yes, this is super useful, I find this similar to the “check how he treats staff at bars/restaurants” strategy. Watching someone react to stressful or bothersome situations provides a ton of information. Run away from men resorting to violence at the slightest inconvenience.

Bubbly-Manufacturer · 2021-06-21T10:38:07+00:00

My ex once stopped in the middle of the intersection while the light was on red. I think he was testing me. He claimed I made him nervous or something, I wasn’t even doing anything. Thankfully there were no other cars around.

He’d also get mad at me if I ended up missing telling him what exit to take. Even tho he’s the one driving and should be paying attention.

Sireyn · 2021-06-21T13:08:56+00:00

It truly is such a worthwhile vetting technique!

My last LVM boyfriend would take turns too sharply, often resulting in hitting the curb and giving the car a good jolt. He would get supremely annoyed when I gasped aloud and reflexively grabbed onto the "Jesus handle" every time this happened. He told me that I should learn to suppress my instinctive reactions. I'm kicking myself now for not responding that he should learn how to drive. 🤷‍♀️

laffytaggy · 2021-06-21T13:18:06+00:00

Good advice. I also say assess his car.

My ex had a 7 figure net worth. He drove a beat up 15 year old car he found for super cheap and fixed it up himself. I thought this was cool and rustic. But the car smelled of chemicals, the AC blew way too harshly, and it made loud sounds every time he parked. It was not comfortable and it was an eyesore too. This man did long road trips in an awful car despite having well beyond the means for something safer and reasonable. This was symbolic of other issues in the relationship. His frugal ways came out in many other ways. And he prioritized hoarding money above all else. He was the king of free dates.

Another guy I went on some dates with had his life all over the place. When we met for out first date he arrived in an $70k car. But IRL he was balder and fatter than he portrayed. He had on a rolex and flashy designer clothing. But he was basic, didn’t talk about anything interesting, and could barely explain how he makes his money. Turns out he lived in a tiny studio without a kitchen (at 40+)! All flash, little substance. He continued to reach out to me and bragged about places he went. I eventually blocked.

I think a mans choice of vehicle can potentially say a lot about him too.

fireforestfairy · 2021-06-21T12:47:17+00:00

Obsession with racing cars and speeding are also red flags. Many of these guys are reckless, impulsive, and lack responsibility.

pickadaisy · 2021-06-21T13:35:18+00:00

I’ll add, drive him somewhere and see if he tries to tell you how to drive. I’ve also had men argue with me about driving laws even though I have the DMV manual for several states practically memorized.

purasangria · 2021-06-21T15:24:35+00:00

I'll add: If he picks you up in a car that is obviously unsafe, but for a reason you can't discern before getting in the car. For example, one man I was dating picked me up for a date (like date 5) in his car, which was older but still looked nice.

As we drove, I noticed that there was an alarming squealing every time he braked, so I asked why. "Oh, the brake pads are gone, and so it's metal on metal. I really need to go to the mechanic."

That was our last date.

curlywurlyprincess · 2021-06-21T10:45:55+00:00

A few years ago I met this cute guy and we were texting one evening. I asked what he’s doing and he said he’s driving. Shocked, I asked “you mean you’re driving right now?”. And he said yes, he was literally driving while texting me.

Blocked that reckless, selfish loser straightaway. No ragrets✌🏽

gingerandlime · 2021-06-21T12:18:38+00:00

Great points. I've also thought about making a small post about how men relate to their cars. I personally would prefer that someone have a functional, well-kept but essentially boring car over an interesting, cool, or incredibly clean car, because the latter usually indicates a gap in their own identity and relationship to self. (Or we can go the "he's compensating for something" route, I just think it goes deeper than that.)

Firm-Raspberry9181 · 2021-06-21T12:33:44+00:00

My red flag is men who “show off” or consider themselves “expert” drivers. LVX used to drive fast and loose in the snow! Anytime there was a snowstorm, he would drive FASTER, spin out on purpose (for fun), “test the brakes” by stopping short and skidding, etc etc. I was terrified. He’d do this with me and our children in the car. I’d plead with him to slow down and drive cautiously and he’d refer to his glory days as a young ski racer, and tell the same dumb story about the time he nearly went off the side of a mountain with a van full of skiers he was coaching. He said all this “experience” made him an excellent winter driver, never mind he nearly killed a van full of kids! He also knew I had been in a serious rollover accident in an ice storm a few years before (amazingly I was uninjured). Especially since my frightening experience with ice, I have been nervous in winter conditions, and extra cautious. Ironically, his experience with the cliff seems to have emboldened him. Rather than learning respect for adverse weather conditions, rather than showing respect for me and our kids, he doubled down on the jackassery and equated it directly to his hot-shot days as a ski racer. One more bit of evidence that a man’s car is a direct extension of his ego/dick. It would be pathetic if we weren’t in real danger.

Phoesilvle · 2021-06-21T07:21:38+00:00

Some more flags:

being on the phone while driving
driving while under substances/alcohol or overtired
not using their seatbelts
not using blinker light/blinking last second
driving inattentively in areas where children/many pedestrians might happen to be on the road (eg housing areas, areas around schools, shoping mall parking lots)
driving very unsmooth often accelerating and hitting breaks closely following one another
not using their mirrors and shoulder check when turning or overtaking

Moira_Spice · 2021-06-21T13:52:24+00:00

My own ex used to accelerate HARD and brake HARD, I've asked him to go softer but he never listened to me. He went 20-30kmh above the speed limit and accelerated like crazy. He drove at 40km in PARKINGS.

He didn't listen to my needs, didn't even slow down.

All his family is like that. And guess what? All of them have gotten into accidents. Their parents used their car even for the smallest displacements (1min walk? Hell no hop in the car). Her sister was glued to others bumpers, he did the same. Her sister went to the other way (the side cars come in), she didn't realize it, I warned them and they gaslighted me that it didn't happen at all.... A car was coming in and my warning saved us from an accident. BUT IT DIDNT HAPPEN THEY SAID. Such fuckery.

Laaulapaau · 2021-06-21T05:37:45+00:00

I had two partners who would use the car as their primary area of abuse.

The neighbors couldn’t hear him screaming, whereas they could in the house.

Both of them borderline refused to let me drive (red flag, but they covered it by teasing me about my driving so that it was just easier to always be the passenger)

And both of them, when I’d insist on driving, at one time yanked the steering wheel from my grip to scare me. One of them punched out the radio as well, both of them would drive erratically and speed massively if they were being argumentative.

I can’t agree with this post enough. Aggression will always come out in his driving especially in parking lots.

fingernmuzzle · 2021-06-21T08:15:43+00:00

Very accurate. Driving is an opportunity to control. I have observed hundreds of thousands of drivers over 40 years: worst drivers on the road? White guys in pickup trucks

whiterabbit818 · 2021-06-21T05:42:57+00:00

I’m not understanding this one: “if he makes a mistake on the road, he apologizes”...?

Also, what if I have road rage? Admittedly I likely got it from my Dad :/

pepperfog · 2021-06-21T17:52:23+00:00

Also keep an eye out on controlling the temperature and music.

For example my abusive ex husband after we were married (he switched on me once we were legally married), would insist on controlling the music and temperature when he was driving. Even if I was freezing and he was listening to starwars soundtracks again, the bug red flag is that if I was driving I wasn't allowed to control the music or temperature then either.

Heather619 · 2021-06-21T04:55:16+00:00

I was JUST thinking about this earlier today. I noticed that whenever I have an issue with a woman driver, it's usually due to her being lackadaisical or not paying attention. When I have an issue with a male driver, it's usually due to him being aggressive, like trying to turn when he doesn't have the right-of-way, blowing through a stop sign, or speeding up when I'm trying to pass.

rinohopp · 2021-06-21T05:09:37+00:00

My ex would always take phone calls while in the car, he would stop somewhere in a parking lot and just have a non-emergency 10+min conversation while I had to just sit there in the car with him. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING we’re together for this short of time and you do this. I didn’t say anything bc I was trying to be a cool girl but it bothered me... now I understand that was so disrespectful to me and my time

Far_from_deceived · 2021-06-21T07:31:33+00:00

My ex was 27 and didn’t have a driver’s license

HAHAHA

throwaway88043468 · 2021-06-21T14:12:36+00:00

I love this post! If I may add: Inversely, watch how he behaves when you're the one driving. Is he a backseat driver? Does he grab the wheel? Does he lean over and hit the horn? My NVX was a psycho who did all of these things. I remember once he grabbed the wheel and VIOLENTLY yanked it and almost caused us to wreck. Then he started screaming at me for "almost hitting that car" (there was no car, gaslighting scrote). They have endless audacity, never underestimate it.

Is he pushy or controlling about what route to take? Does he road rage as a passenger? Does he act like your car is his?

masterofthebarkarts · 2021-06-21T14:59:56+00:00

Other red flags: do they constantly make comments about your driving, specifically because they feel you aren't being "assertive" (ie., Aggressive) enough? Do they insist on telling you information about your car (that you didn't ask for and that is probably incorrect?) Do they have a history of at-fault accidents? If you are a relatively new driver, are they supportive/helpful or do they belittle you or otherwise undermine your confidence? Do they refuse to get a driver's license? I know that some places you can get along without it, but in most of North America it will eventually be inconvenient to not even be able to operate a vehicle. What will they do with kids? What if you have a pet? What if you want to move somewhere less transit-accessible? Do they make reasonable, safe efforts to avoid hitting animals? Or, horror of horrors, do they try to hit animals on purpose?

Altowhovian93 · 2021-06-21T15:18:38+00:00

This is a great vetting strategy! See also how they handle a traffic jam screwing up plans!!! Does he get super angry? Does he calm himself and say “we are okay I hope the other people are okay, we still still have a good night!”

SurveyLow4757 · 2021-06-21T10:18:10+00:00

Taking drugs beforehand, texting while driving.

alphasquish · 2021-06-21T15:43:52+00:00

I will second having a dirty, gross vehicle. I mean months to years of accumulated food on the floor, gross shit in cup holders, letting kids just throw stuff wherever, letting pets in car and not cleaning up after them. Even if he clears off the front seat area for you, keeping the rest of his car gross is a red flag, and more than likely he’s lazy and will have a gross house.

Also, men that have high end cars that drive like maniacs tend to be complete assholes with little regard for anyone else.

PinturaMagnifica · 2021-06-21T16:29:41+00:00

🚩 Driving in the passing lane, holding up the entire flow of traffic on the highway.

Blue85Heron · 2021-06-21T19:31:57+00:00

Every other driver is an idiot: only he knows how to drive perfectly.

Source: was married to a cop for 25 years, who thought himself God's Gift to Driving. I learned that the biggest asshole drivers are usually the biggest assholes, period. Never again.

WhyComeToAStickyEnd · 2021-06-21T06:40:00+00:00

Would also like to add on a reminder: Vet before even getting into the same car as him. I personally only accept and share the same ride with people I trust a lot, due to red flags like these. What if I can't think of a convincing reason to get out of it in time?

bananasplitchocodip · 2021-06-21T12:05:20+00:00

Wow… my ex did all of these. Hindsight is foresight if only I was more aware then. It started to make sense really later on.

vvioletwwitch · 2021-06-21T14:42:17+00:00

Yes also bad driving (speeding/recklessness) while you’re in the car indicates a lack of regard for your safety at best and a demonstration of the power he has over you at worst.

Peak_Tree · 2021-06-21T17:13:15+00:00

Also, his attitudes about women driving. Example: I injured my ankle shortly after I "learned" to drive and got my license ( over here it's not like america, you get your pass with some 20 hours of practical experience at most). So when I was recovered enough I basically had forgotten almost everything about driving I knew.

What did my dad do? he went to drive with me afternoon after afternoon for months while I relearned everything again and...NEVER MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. Compare this with my cousin yelling at his girlfriend that she's stupid when she asked him to help her practice her parking techniques.

A HVM will want you to learn how to drive, support your efforts and never make stupid jokes about women drivers.

yomommahouse · 2021-06-21T19:51:13+00:00

I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I would have just dumped my no value Ex by the way he drove alone. It really does show a lot about their character, but I didn't put it all together until further into the relationshit. He checked off every one of your red flags except the dirty car, he kept his car meticulous and actually spent more money on that car than he ever spent on me. He never had any concern for my safety when I was in that car with him, he drove like he was the star in his own video game. Once some mutual friend's of ours drove with us to a party and they were horrified and said they would never ride with him again as he drove like a 16 year old that just got his license. He was 39 or 40 at the time BTW. He also would drive high and drunk, didn't have proper insurance or tags either. He also liked to replay a road rage incident that happened before he met me of him taking a crow bar and bashing some guys windshield in. Oh the horrors of being a pickme, it's embarrassing to see it in writing what I put up with. Also to add, he was as entitled on the road as he was in every day life, he would drive around people on the side lane on the highway, never wanted to wait at lights so he'd cut through parking lots only to basically get to the other side at the same time as if he had just waited. He'd yell out obscenities to drivers that would piss him off etc. I literally could not even look up when he drove, I would play a game on my phone because I was so scared, and he knew it scared me, now that I think about it, it was a form of abuse.

NewDriverStew · 2021-06-21T20:13:04+00:00

On the flipside, pay attention to how they act about your driving and car. Do they push back if you offer to drive? Do they make shitty comments about your car or your driving skills? Do they leave trash? Are they in a rush or critical of the route you pick? 🚩 Are they willing to manage the music/GPS/temp controls while you drive? Do they gladly stop for a break or a fun pit stop? (I am known to pull over for every farm stand and photo op I pass so this one's important!) Will they helpfully point out a good parking space? 🟢

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-06-21T16:58:30+00:00

Aggressively says "You think I'm a reckless driver?" while foaming at the mouth 🙄 Oh Gee. I don't know. Maybe it's the passenger who is speeding over 100km/hr, taking sharp brakes and turns and stonewalling afterwards.

LobotomybyWasps · 2021-06-21T17:03:49+00:00

Here’s a few more:

🚩Ignores important lights on his dash that indicate a serious mechanical issue. 🚩Drives recklessly KNOWINGLY 🚩Has a bunch of shit piled up in his car or looks like his car has never seen a vacuum cleaner before 🚩Car is being held together with duck tape and prayers.

pissedoffmolly · 2021-06-21T20:19:26+00:00

A good test is to politely ask him to go a little slower and see what happens.

Does he get upset? Does he completely ignore you? Does he ask why before complying?

evaporative · 2021-06-21T06:23:28+00:00

Driving too slow is a massive red flag as well! When a man always drives 10-20 mph under the speed limit 🚩🚩🚩 (besides during weather circumstances, road work, etc, when driving slower is needed.)

nightnightmight · 2021-06-21T14:16:30+00:00

Great list, thanks for sharing. I knew a group of guys that would get speeding tickets about once a year and one got caught drunk driving. He lost his licence for a year. These types of people will say they are good drivers but can't obey simple rules of the road.

fairywakes · 2021-06-22T03:02:54+00:00

Might I add: Any man with a DUI at all period.

xdecadent · 2021-06-22T03:07:47+00:00

My moms boyfriend does damn near all of these and I liked him until I took a ride in his car. It was over for me after that.

This type of behavior is scary and telling. If he’s willing to put your life in danger then that should tell you everything you need to know.

DeliveranceBanjoSong · 2021-06-22T03:35:26+00:00

Other bad behaviours:

Aggressive manoeuvres. (changing lanes really aggressively, driving up fast on someones bumper, and tailing them.)
Lane changing constantly in an aggressive/erratic manner to 'get ahead'
Constantly revving at the lights so they can go the milisecond it turns green instead of taking a second to check some other asshole isn't running a red that could be coming their way
Trying to run red lights or deliberately gunning it on orange/amber lights that have been orange for quite a while.
Using the car as a 'show off' tool
Playing music extremely loudly for attention

ponchoacademy · 2021-06-21T20:16:56+00:00

Okay, Im going to call myself out...I have terrible road rage. And many...many times when someone is driving like a jerk, I do the whole pull up next to them for my "I KNEW it, only a man would drive like that!!!" moment.

So beyond my bit of bias for having zero tolerance and a terrible reaction to aggressive (usually male) drivers on the road...I 100% agree with all your other points! lol

Beyond driving, anyone who doesnt care about the safety of the people trusting them to be responsible, and not even for their own safety isnt just a POS but scary. Never trust anyone who acts like they dont have anything to lose.

Im amazed though by the amount of people who think its no big deal to be in a messy dirty car. I no longer drive (because of aforementioned road rage, Im trying to work on my mental health and my stress/anxiety go off the charts when I drive) but not only did I keep my car clean, before a date Id make sure it was vacuumed, wiped down and go through a car wash, because I would be mortified if he walked me to my car, and it looked a mess.

Meanwhile, Ive been in a guys car where hes throwing trash and random stuff into the back seat to make room for me. He knew I would be in his car, and was totally comfortable with that?! Not only is that disrespectful to me, thats disrespectful to himself that he is comfortable with that kind of environment. And I sure as heck dont ever want to see what his home looks like.

I was once seeing a guy for awhile, I always took an uber to meet up with him. On one of our dates, I mentioned a place Id always wanted to check out so on the fly he offered to take me there if I was comfortable with that. At this point I felt totally safe with him and was like...yeah lets do it. Now, I like cleanliness, but this guys car was immaculate, to the point I complimented him on it. He didnt do it for me, he had no idea I was going to be in his car that day. Thats just how he was...and I really liked that.

When we reached the point where I was comfortable letting him pick me up, he mentioned my yard looked amazing and asked how often I get it done. I told him I do it myself, and told him I know its kinda sillly that I bought all this equipment to take care of a house when Im only renting. And he was like...doesnt matter of you rent, it makes sense you take pride in your home...you live here.

Anyway, I digress lol but...something that seems as insignificant as that actually says a lot about how much a person values themselves, and also how much they value you, and how a person drives also says a lot about how much they want you to feel safe with them. A complete lack of those values are big huge red flags.

wheres_my_burrito · 2021-06-22T00:35:03+00:00

So much yes. Not too long ago a date was driving me and he was inching up on a pedestrian crossing at a crosswalk. It wasn’t aggressive but absent-minded and rude.

revengeofgivingtree · 2021-06-22T02:20:40+00:00

Tailgating when someone is driving the speed limit and he wants to go faster.

NotMyRealName814 · 2021-06-22T02:51:15+00:00

Driving around endlessly in a parking lot looking for a close parking space when it's obvious the place you're going to is packed and the best thing to do would be park further away and walk rather than wasting time and effort looking for a parking space that no longer exists.

ShegoGreen · 2021-06-22T07:02:10+00:00

How they drive the car is how they drive the relationship.

Odd_Studio_1919 · 2021-06-22T11:24:39+00:00

Trying to hit animals. My ex would literally yell at me if we saw an animal and I slowed down for it. If he was driving and saw an animal, he would speed up to try to hit it. 🤢

LifePop · 2021-06-21T23:39:25+00:00

This! 👆I genuinely believe that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality and demeanor based on the way they drive.

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-06-22T02:15:13+00:00

My ex husband liked to argue in the car while he was driving. He also liked to hit me when he was driving.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-06-21T14:16:03+00:00

My ex was a LVM, except driving. He was very good and calm driver, which I admired and was one of a few red flags. I don't like men that act like you described. Total red flag.

Kristeninmyskin · 2021-06-23T22:49:51+00:00

You know what? I’m gonna say it: this is so important that we should add it to the handbook. Or at least that Saturday summary of relevant posts of the week!

MODS!!! Please make this happen.

Also, you might see a politically correct mask slip as he makes racist observations about other drivers.

catlady4u · 2021-06-24T19:52:01+00:00

My NVX liked to jam on the brakes when he'd get to a stop sign or a red light. He drove 50 in a 25 zone, road raged at and raced other drivers, and was just generally a menace behind the wheel. He also got two speed camera tickets.. all in my car.

Of course, he didn't have a car when I met him, and that's on me for not vetting. Never again.

posprov · 2021-06-21T09:50:28+00:00

No air freshener 🚩

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2021-06-21T20:14:18+00:00

The dude who became my husband is more into his motorcycles but he also has a classy looking 90s Mercedes sedan that he babies and looks brand new. I'm an absolute car nut with a kinda new loaded 4runner and a classic car I restored myself that's my BABY.

I realized after the first few times riding in his car that his driving skills were good enough and I actually TRUSTED him enough behind the wheel that I was ok with letting him drive my classic. Super rare thing for me....only myself and ONE of my besties were ever allowed to drive my baby!

That honestly surprised me most men I've ridden with ( huge part of my job taking dudes on test drives ) .... well men these days cannot fucking DRIVE and it's annoying.

xfelugirlx · 2021-09-06T15:18:36+00:00

This dude literally saying that women can’t drive and at the other hand almost killed us one time☠️ boy the audacity

Title	🚨Vetting Strategy: Watch how a man drives
Author	flowerpower102938
Upvotes	0
Comments	108
Date	June 21, 2021 4:50 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o4nd2z/vetting_strategy_watch_how_a_man_drives/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/vetting-strategy-watch-how-a-man-drives.785492 https://theredarchive.com/post/785492

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MODS!!! Please make this happen.