Alpha widow ?

Dagenius1 · 2023-01-30T20:40:08+00:00

The wording isn’t the best but it’s absolutely true for men and women.

Long before this “alpha widow” term came to be, people simply called it “the one that got away” and I’d be willing to bet that we all know at least one married man or woman that confessed in private that they love their husband/wife but xyz is the one that got away.

That’s all it is…nothing more. Lol we don’t have to add the word alpha

Edit: If you keep trying to come up with ways to differentiate it, all that means is that the marketing/rebranding is working on you 😂

DumbWordsmith · 2023-01-30T20:59:21+00:00

100%. My ex was alpha widowed, but like any idiot in his early adulthood, I ignored the warning signs.

At first, when she and I were just friends, I noticed she was still obsessed with this guy she hadn't seen in years. However, over the course of a few months, she "fell in love with me."

We eventually moved in together and shared a six year relationship. Most of it was great, but I couldn't compare to him. I was the "sweet, loyal guy with an ugly face" and he was the "hot bad boy."

I once discovered things she wrote about me, so I know I'm not just pulling this out of my ass.

On the flip side, she "alpha widowed" me as well, because nobody has ever treated me with as much kindness and respect as she did—not even close. She was very witty and intelligent. She never raised her voice at me, and she would give me massages at the end of the day. There's no way in hell I can be in a LTR again.

jedi1josh · 2023-01-30T21:28:18+00:00

I think what people fail to realize is that one person who checked all their boxes probably wasn't interested in them for a permanent relationship, but as a temporary relationship. If one of your boxes you have to have checked is for the person to be interested in you permanently, then that person really didn't have all the boxes checked did they? The closet analogy I can think of is to imagine a bunch of sandwich shops, and in your mind the perfect sandwich is made from two slices of whole wheat with ham, mustard, lettuce, tomato, onion, and swiss cheese. And only one shop has all those toppings, but they only serve turkey as the meat. However it's important for you to have a ham sandwich, but most of the shops serving ham only have a few of those toppings. Is it fair to compare the ham shops who are giving you what you consider to be most important to the turkey shop who has all those extra nice items but doesn't serve what you think of as important? Sorry for the analogy I have trouble articulating my thoughts.

nemma88 · 2023-01-30T23:00:57+00:00

It used to be called the one that got away. Its not unique to women though in bluepill language, and can happen to either.

I don't think its as common as people fear it is.

veloron2008 · 2023-01-30T23:47:57+00:00

Alpha widowing definitely is a thing, especially since dating apps started matching up average women with player/chad/badboy "alpha" types on a massive scale.

So, while these females on dating apps are basically one step above jerking off to the chads they chase, they in return get alpha widowed, or ruined for romantic relationships. For a very long time if not permanently.

It's a heavy price, but their own fault for conflating sexual attention with true romantic interest.

HungerISanEmotion · 2023-01-30T21:02:11+00:00

Women admitted to me to being "alpha widowed", just not using that term so... it's not even a theory.

dogsmoking · 2023-01-30T19:40:16+00:00

I mean, that's also called falling in love and getting heartbroken. It's pretty normal. It doesn't make the guy an alpha.

Fit-Faithlessness149 · 2023-01-30T21:18:06+00:00

Comparison can be a thief of joy. Even as a man I think back to certain lovers who were better at one thing or another sexually speaking and miss it.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-01-30T20:55:32+00:00

I’m not surprised in the slightest that most in this thread are taking this concept way too seriously.

The whole “I’ve never/nor know any women who compare their current guy to their ex” completely miss the point. It’s not a conscious thing. It all has to do with her behavior.

It comes down to if she’s breaking her own rules for you.The comparison of level of interest she is giving to you versus the amount of effort you are expected to put in. When that relationship is inverted to maximize positive treatment from her for very little in return, that would be what is perceived as an alpha dynamic. The same woman will make one guy wait five dates for a kiss versus jumping another guys bones after the first date. This is what is being referenced here.

It’s 100% a real dynamic and is pretty easy to spot if you are paying attention to how she is behaving early on. It also doesn’t mean you’re fucked ether though. If you have a good amount of experience it’s not hard to give her one she’s never had before.

DebateRoyal4525 · 2023-01-30T21:16:11+00:00

They make entire movies about alpha widows. Titanic is the most obvious example, but I can think of a few others.

themostgianthorse · 2023-01-30T20:00:47+00:00

It is certainly plausible. But I think we need to elaborate a little.

It could be one man OR it could be a composite of all of the best features of all the men before you.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-01-30T21:58:42+00:00

It’s obviously something that can happen, but it’s not a new concept and not gender-specific. “The one that got away,” “carrying a torch,” plain old “not over your ex,” etc. Once again, TRP reinventing the wheel, except taking the concept too far and making it goofy. Nobody is a “widow” unless their partner died, and “alpha” is highly subjective. Seems counterproductive to fixate on “oh no what if maybe one of my partner’s exes was better than me?!” if they’ve given no indication of not being over that person.

shonenhikada · 2023-01-30T22:26:38+00:00

Alpha widow is a thing. A perfect example can be seen in Keira Knightley and her ex Rupert. You can see from their photos the shear loves, admiration and lust she has for this guy.

https://i.imgur.com/rKXzl2q.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/FDaV3Lq.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/v1YRaHD.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/79qoDeR.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/JtQuIO0.jpg

Meanwhile, when we look at the photos with her husband, there is less passion in them. Very often it looks like she is just posing for the camera and there is no deep level of attraction that one can see from them.

https://i.imgur.com/20pmh8E.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/3Zt2y6N.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/Yb6qiPn.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/XO5SIR8.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/Ny7ukmc.jpg

Scarce12 · 2023-01-30T22:30:21+00:00

Absolutely.

It's weird.

You'll meet a girl these days and she'll be shy and awkward like shes never dated a guy, then in bed she'll be like "I've had better".

why-b-less · 2023-01-30T19:58:49+00:00

There are a lot of horrible questions on this sub but this one might have some basis in reality. I don't know that "alpha" has a ton to do with it, but it's not unusual for people to compare their current partner to things they've liked in past partners. That being said, you probably aren't being measured and judged for every little thing you do or have.

Different, does not always mean better or worse worse. you might look at her ex and go wow, he had x,y,z that i don't have, but some of these things she may not have even cared that much about.

at the end of the day, you just have to play to your strengths and try to be the best person and partner you can. Focusing too much on his/her past will only drive you crazy and lead to insecurity.

deznue · 2023-01-31T00:30:05+00:00

It’s true… it’s like a man dating a super model then having to settle with a girl that is way below average in looks… he will not be as excited to be with her because he once had a super model that was bomb.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-01-31T00:52:39+00:00

Alpha Widowdom is the echo of hypergamy.

Early-Christmas-4742 · 2023-01-30T19:46:46+00:00

I believe in women comparing you to her ex, however i don't really see the login in avoiding high body count women for this reason. The more selective women are just going to have selected the best of her options so it's no less likely.

Barneysparky · 2023-01-30T19:46:50+00:00

The reality behind it is the guy is comparing himself to her ex and he doesn't think he's as good as him. Low self-esteem messes with you.

obviousredflag · 2023-01-30T19:58:49+00:00

That is exactly why TRP isn't about science and data anymore. This "theory" is based on nothing but anxiety. Zero data. It's "validity" in the scene is just based around how many people "subscribe to it".

AidsVictim · 2023-01-30T20:51:22+00:00

It's not unusual for women (and to a lesser extent men) to get hung up on someone, whether this is because they're measuring against the "best" or just significant emotional investment. As others have pointed out there has always been some form of this in culture, alpha widow is just the millenial/zoomer terminology for it

For instance, this old Patsy Cline song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCrSmJ_YCk8&ab_channel=keoki82

I think this is why a lot of men don’t want a women with a high body count since the chances of you being her best is extremely slim if she has so many guys to compare you to

High promiscuity correlates with a whole host of issues (low investment, social instability, disease likelihood, paternal uncertainty etc), maybe some anxiety around comparisons do exist but putting it at the forefront is a very convenient explanation for women (or high promiscuity people in general).

tinrooster2005 · 2023-01-30T21:07:09+00:00

Look at it as more of an affinity for positive outliers. The problem that some women and to a vastly lesser degree men have is that due to the apps, HV people can essentially settle for people who are much farther below them if they want to, short term. A guy who's a 9 can sleep with multiple 6s for minimal time investment and then the 6s inflate their own self worth predicated on the fact that they snagged a 9 one time, leading to "self assessment inflation and pushing guys 6 and below completely out of the competition.

Fabulous_Dependent19 · 2023-01-30T21:37:03+00:00

Both genders do it. It's not good for anybody to pine over the past and compare partners unfairly. Heal and move on and learn from mistakes

rpujoe · 2023-01-30T22:01:48+00:00

It's not a theory, it's an observation of women's behavior. Praxology bro.

Follow on social media

BreezyBritt89 · 2023-01-31T03:55:31+00:00

Is the gist of this “She knows what good sex is and now won’t accept bad sex”? Because that’s how it’s coming across,if its all about sex and I’m reading this right.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-01-31T06:08:45+00:00

I was alpha widowed. Fortunately I'm like a brain parasite because he asked me to take him back and we're still together all these years later. So alpha resurrection. Alpha bonus life.

Feeling_Mousse_2191 · 2023-01-30T21:43:39+00:00

It's male solipsism.

The 'best sex' a woman has changes depending on what she wanted at the time. The good shit entails connection, technique and panache.

If you're getting dicked good, you ain't thinking about some guy you fucked years ago regardless of whether or not he's better looking than your current guy.

AnyIntroduction3288 · 2023-01-30T19:59:59+00:00

If a woman isn’t over her ex, she isn’t an alpha widow, but someone who needs time to heal before she starts dating again. Plus why wouldn’t you feel confident that you would be the best that a woman ever had? Is your sole reason for wanting a woman who has a low n count just that she won’t be able to compare you to someone better? Why would you want to date a woman who is ignorant to the idea that someone better is out there? Why wouldn’t you just simply feel confident in your value and what you have to offer as being the best?

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-01-30T19:48:29+00:00

I, nor any woman I’ve ever known, have ever “compared” the guy I’m currently dating to an ex.

If every guy your AW dates doesn’t measure up to her ex, she’s not over her ex which is a whole other host of problems.

There are objective observations (ie boyfriend A is taller than boyfriend B) but it’s not a yardstick by which most women use to measure. All of that stuff you bring up is just male insecurity and isn’t rooted in anything women actually do

DryOutcome3407 · 2023-01-30T20:38:12+00:00

It's pretty narcissistic to think you would be the best option of 20 men, even more if you consider that on those 20 men's are men good looking enough to cum and dump.

TrueEnoughNewsViews · 2023-01-30T22:33:26+00:00

Almost every single woman after about age 25 is an Alpha widow. They’ve all been used by a guy leagues above them and they all think they deserve a relationship with a guy of that quality.

This is why women are so astonishingly shallow online. They really think they deserve to play exclusively with 8/10s and above.

Safinated · 2023-01-31T02:35:03+00:00

“The one that got away” and “first love” work just fine

You guys are so terrified of the L word, lol

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-30T20:16:27+00:00

I mean even a body count of one (and say he actually died and she was a legitimate widow) you could still fall short of.

Sometimes however, each person you're with gets better and better, especially as people find out who they like and what relationship is the most fulfilling for them, the more relationship experience they have the more they might be able to better select a better date.

ManzBearzPigzIzRealz · 2023-01-30T20:29:03+00:00

Yes, but I also think there are alpha-widowers equal numbers.

NockerJoe · 2023-01-30T20:56:22+00:00

The guys relative status aside like half the women I've ever dated have had some ex they either couldn't get over or seriously resented if she thinks he wasn't that great in hindsight.

I think its reasonable to find this offputting since someones ex shouldn't be a third person in a relationship regardless of how you compare.

DrBoby · 2023-01-30T21:10:57+00:00

It has nothing to do with high body count. You need time to be hooked to an alpha to become alpha widow. And alphas don't usually date sluts.

It's a concept that apply to women that have been a very long time with an awesome dude, I know one, she has a body count of 1 probably.

EugeneCezanne · 2023-01-30T21:16:54+00:00

As a man, I don't think I've ever compared myself to a girlfriend's exes; nor do I compare my girlfriends to my exes. I mean, I notice different strengths in weaknesses, but I'm not ranking them in totality. That makes no sense to do.

I'm also never worried about being compared. Seems a pointless way to look a gift horse in the mouth.

At the time we are dating, we feel extremely happy and secure. Those mutual feelings are what make the partner special, not any checklist of "best" and "most" criteria. The Alpha is whomever I'm dating at the moment, because that's the only person who's presently giving me all the feels.

BruddaMSK · 2023-01-30T21:53:07+00:00

Do you guys subscribe to the theory of an alpha widow ?

Yes.
Even more, for a woman seeking the absolutely best partner is the most rational behavior. I'd do it too. If a relationship doesn't satisfy her the associated trade-offs are not worth it these days when a woman can survive without a man.

WilliamWyattD · 2023-01-30T22:28:22+00:00

It happens to both genders. Excess comparisons can make it hard to 'settled' for something less. Actually having dated or slept with the person is not even required, thought the extent of intimacy with that person heightens the power of comparison to make future partners difficult to appreciate.

But given female sexual psychology, being hypergamous and more selective, I do think this dynamic can impact women more deeply than men, with greater power to reduce the appeal of future potential partners.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-01-31T00:54:39+00:00

I think rollo said it, that it’s more an experience imprint/impact than just the number of dudes for women…i.e if she dated a bunch of dudes who didn’t impress her sexually or lifestyle wise…there’s less of an impact.

But yes 110% alpha widow is a phenomenon for women

medlabunicorn · 2023-01-31T06:40:22+00:00

No_Influence_4828 · 2023-01-31T08:51:05+00:00

sounds logical

ambrosedc · 2023-01-31T11:27:10+00:00

Why do so many men care about body count? I understand if she's slept with like 200+ people but the average body count is like FIVE. Most women have only been with like 5-10 people

RogerNigel92 · 2023-01-31T14:41:22+00:00

My two cents

‘Alpha Widowed’ is perhaps the wrong word but certainly I have ‘Alpha Widowed’ a few women in the past, despite not being an Alpha by any standards.

What I’ve found is I’m quite a stable normal guy, and have dated a few women who went for dysfunctional, co dependant relationships. It never really worked out because we just didn’t work.

After me they reverted back to type and dated co dependant dysfunctional men, which made them crave the relative boring stability I provided.

erottawa · 2023-01-31T15:34:17+00:00

I am friends with a woman who divorced her husband recently and throughout her marriage she talked about a previous boyfriend and her regrets in not locking him down. I always felt sorry for her husband - guy never had a chance.

Willow-girl · 2023-01-31T16:09:58+00:00

Alpha widowers exist, too.

A guy I work with is still enthralled by his ex-wife of 30 years ago, whom (I gather) was beautiful but not a very good person (materialistic, and was looking for more than he could provide).

He has a "ladyfriend" now but it's clear he's still hung up on his ex, poor guy.

stats135 · 2023-01-30T20:03:55+00:00

The issue with the alpha widow discussion is that you only ever make it when something has already gone wrong.

Here's the starting problem: women are not fucking a man as quickly, or as frequently as he likes. This is bad for him.

It is only at this point that we come to the alpha widow question. Why does he have to endure this when previous men in her life did not? Why is his treatment worse? Is it because there is a difference between him and the men she precisely fucked? The alpha widow conversation is about comparison, but not just what a women think of different men. It's also about how she sexually treats them.

It's one thing if said women were virgin, or made all men before him jump through all the same hoops. It's another thing when you know there were men that got to the goods faster and easier than you. When you are treated worse by someone, it's hard to not think that someone also values you less.

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-30T20:24:00+00:00

The only time I compare a guy from my past to a guy from my present has always been favourable. Like, "wow, he's so much more affectionate than they were". Most women are seeking the one and at least have some ideas why the last guy wasn't it and what has to change for the next guy to be Mr. Right. Thus, the new guy is usually receiving favourable comparisons because otherwise, she wouldn't even be giving him a chance.

When the bad comparisons start, it's usually because our brain is connecting the dots that we have not improved upon our last match and that this means we need to throw this new fish back because we're caught in an attraction pattern and we know how this ends.

All of this is because most women have an idea of what they want before they even start dating (I assume men do as well). Dating is our process of refining and zeroing in on this guy and learning what we really want and need. So it's highly unlikely you're getting compared to a real man. You're getting compared to the man we made up and think we want.

Unless of course as others said, heart-break happens and unrequited love happens. The former is just a sign she's not tied up the loose ends and understood why the last guy wasn't Mr. Right. The latter is still a fantasy you're being compared to. She really doesn't know what that guy would have been like. She's just protecting her idea of Mr. Right onto him.

divCal · 2023-01-30T20:16:50+00:00

Is it only me but TRP however much it claims to be an amoral, neutral , unbiased look at FeMaLe NaTuRe conflates just human behaviour but when found in men it is just that, but found in women it is some vile feminine imperative worthy of a red pill name term like alpha widow...

Humour me this , aren't there legions of men who remember that college gf that gave the greatest blowjobs and now even if he lives with his wife he acknowledges that was the best blowjob, or the dude that dated the prettiest woman back when he was 30 and now he can only land average looking women but still can't help but remember the sex..... How is it a woman /feminine imperative.

Another could be the whole concept of shit test. There was this red pill dude who was talking about how he first made plans to attend his gf's sister's birthday lunch but then a last minute plan with the boys was made so he cancelled on his gf who got understandably afraid and asked him to honour the commitment he made to his sister. Ofcourse the hero of our story HaD To HoLd FrAmE . So he refused last min. When she got annoyed all his fellow rpers was egging him on how he is one true alpha and his gf being annoyed is his gf shit testing him again....

Won't u as a bf feel annoyed too if ur gf flakes on family commitments for her friends?

Idk man the more i read about rp dudes the more I feel how exhaustive it must be to ever be in a realtionship with them. (nd that's ignoring the complementary misogyny most of them possess)

They are always viewing it as a tug of war where the women by virtue of herself is constantly looking to trip you over the rope and you have to apply secret manipulative techniques .

It is constantly us vs them. Us being men. Them being the women.

tropicalazul · 2023-01-30T20:06:33+00:00

Hmm I don't know.

I don't pine after any ex of mine, but I also broke up with them. I've had an ex or two be "alpha" on paper like men claim but let's be real, the guy was no actual alpha. Checking off boxes doesn't make someone an amazing person nor the best person for you.

I haven't had many exes nor have I been intimate with most of them, so there's also that. I guess it depends on the scenario and the woman. If a woman was with a celebrity who's amazing and attractive, that might differ. But most of us haven't been in that situation.

If you're comparing people to an ex, you aren't over the ex and you aren't aware of how/why that guy wasn't right for you, so that just means you need to heal.

Let's say I were to date someone new soon and he found out who my last ex was. I'd just say the truth - he looked great on paper, but he was just not my type and I always struggled with accepting him and wanting the relationship and always knew it was off, but he tried to convince me to stay. I think that alone would ease a lot of men's minds/worries. I wouldn't be dating someone unattractive anyway... the next guy i get with will be a guy who understands his own attractiveness and is not some insecure incel.

PsychologicalHand155 · 2023-01-30T20:37:33+00:00

So men fear they cannot be the best person who she’s been with… in other words, they fear women with high count due to their ego

nonameboredman · 2023-01-30T20:28:06+00:00

We're discussing mental illness again, nice.

Any man or woman who compares their current partner(s) to the previous ones is flat out sick in the head. I'm not saying one wouldn't ever spent some milliseconds doing that subconsciously and it's forgotten before it's even remembered, but if it's big enough to go on the conscious level, and even bigger to surface all the way to the top at the behavior level, one would be pretty sick and unfit for any healthy attempts of being in a relationship.

Do you guys subscribe to the theory of an alpha widow ?

There are indeed people with this mindset. It's a mindset so it has nothing to do with one's "body count". The person could've had only one sexual partner ever but could still compare their future partners. When I choose lower "body count" women, my motivation isn't that I'd be compared less, but it is that high "body count" is an indicator of poor judgement.

I must also say I never ask a woman's "body count". Although I'm pretty good at guessing it with moderate confidence.

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throwaway578313 · 2023-02-03T04:13:14+00:00

This is true, I have been on the giving end of the alpha widow title. The sex is the most important. If you give a girl the best sex she ever will have (even if you don't necessarily tick other boxes), even if she comes across a rich strong man who is top 10% in the skill of sex, she will always think about you as the guy who gave her top 0.5%. She will think about you while having sex with the new man.

Title	Alpha widow ?
Author	Local-Beach
Upvotes	64
Comments	266
Date	January 30, 2023 7:37 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10pbsko/alpha_widow/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/alpha-widow.1150663 https://theredarchive.com/post/1150663

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