Can refusing sex be a valid reason for breakup or divorce?

Zabadoodude · 2024-05-24T01:58:18+00:00

It's generally accepted that just not being happy in the relationship anymore is an acceptable reason for divorce. A libido mismatch is certainly a valid reason someone can be unhappy in their relationship.

You are not owed sex but your partner is also not owed a relationship

OkProfessional9405 · 2024-05-24T02:21:05+00:00

Of course it is. When sexual needs are being met sex is maybe 30% of a good relationship. When sexual needs are ignored it's 90% of the problem.

CatchPhraze · 2024-05-24T01:55:12+00:00

Deciding you don't like the fact your partner's ears are a shade more pink then their nose is a valid reason. Once you no longer want that person you're free to go

MongoBobalossus · 2024-05-24T02:16:58+00:00

You can get divorced for literally any reason. Next question.

egalitarian-flan · 2024-05-24T02:10:12+00:00

Can refusing sex be a valid reason for breakup or divorce?

Absolutely.

There was a somewhat similar post last week, and my answer is still the same. If my boyfriend suddenly turned into a sex-adverse asexual, I'd break up with him. Sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of my relationship and I would not remain in one without it. Without sex, we would simply be close friends and roommates.

Same with divorce. Granted I am never having kids, but even so, I would not want to showcase a relationship that is devoid of sexual love. The amount of resentment and disconnection between myself and my partner would undoubtedly be noticeable to our children. It would be better to divorce amicably and co-parent, while each of us is able to find a new partner who fulfills our separate needs.

AngeCruelle · 2024-05-24T02:03:28+00:00

Depends on the rules of whatever institution you got married in. If it's the state and you can legally divorce for any reason at all, sure why not. Do it if you wake up one day and decide that you hate your spouse's voice. I would be marrying in a faith where lack of sex isn't a valid reason in and of itself unless you failed to consummate at least once.

Even in Antman: Quantumania, a married couple is forced apart for decades in different worlds due to a freak accident, and the woman admitted to sleeping with another man because "I had needs", while the man stayed loyal and faithful.

No he didn't. I thought he literally named a woman he dated in her absence.

Edit: I can't believe I'm sitting here entertaining this, but here's a link to the movie scene OP is referring to. It's a pet peeve of mine when people blatantly get movie details wrong for the sake of an agenda. This whole thing is clearly an "ew, my parents' sex lives" gag and I have no idea how OP got the interpretation that he did from it.

EulenWatcher · 2024-05-24T01:51:53+00:00

A lack of sex is as valid reason for divorce as a lack of romance, communication, support etc. If your needs aren't met, there are no possible compromises and coping with it is unacceptable to you, breaking up or divorcing is basically the only option you have. I don't believe that it's gendered either.

An important note is that we talk about a long-term problem. A few months without sex or romance are acceptable under certain circumstances, like pregnancy, health problems etc.

nightsofthesunkissed · 2024-05-24T02:11:10+00:00

Lol what do you mean “even in Antman”? 😂

Anyway, sexual incompatibility is a valid reason for breaking up. However, libido fluctuates during a lifetime with things like sickness, traumas, hormonal fluctuations, menopause, etc. So it’s also a question of - how long do you give it before it possibly rebalances?

It’s going to be a personal thing obviously. It’d be a bit mad to break up over just one time your partner turned you down for sex.

I’d say it’s a matter that needs clear, honest and upfront discussion. And if there are imbalances then the cause of them needs to be addressed.

washington_breadstix · 2024-05-24T03:06:29+00:00

Yes, it's a valid reason. It's unreasonable to expect your partner to live a celibate lifestyle. You can't say "Be faithful to me, but also I don't ever want to have sex with you, sorry".

But I kind of disagree about this being such a heavily gender-biased issue. People don't seem to think that a cheating wife is somehow more acceptable than a cheating husband. I mean, that's the type of viewpoint I've seen talked about on the Internet but haven't really heard in real life.

Lysa_Bell · 2024-05-24T03:54:41+00:00

There are more parameters to this than just "refusing" sex. Mostly - is there a reason there is no sex?

Maybe someone is having a rough time, health issues, mental health, stress, disconnect etc. There are lots of reason for a sex life to slow down. But it shouldn't be a constant thing.

Ive seen people say "my partner refuses sex with me" and it turned out they are having sex 2 times a week. But that's not the preferred frequency. That's an incompatibility and obviously you can break up for anything anyway.

I think people should try to work through certain issues. But if an issue remains and it is a disconnect in the relationship then that's a deal breaker.

I don't think you should break up when you partner doesn't want sex a couple of times because their dog died or something. Empathy and compassion are top prioritiea inside a healthy relationship.

One of the reasons some relationships last a very long time is because couples turn towards each other in a time of need instead of shutting down. For a lot of people that's hard to do. But it can be done. That creates a strong bond and intimacy.

Again. You can break up for whatever reasons you choose. You can break up for not having the sex you want, as much sex you want, etc. I just personally think relationships come with hardship and as long as you turn towards your partner you can get through it. Depends if the relationship is adding enough to your life.

Horned-Beast · 2024-05-24T04:51:07+00:00

There is no debate here. The answer is absolutely yes. If you are sexually mismatched, regardless of gender, then the relationship fails.

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-05-24T04:53:23+00:00

anything is a valid reason. relationships are currently still voluntary, much to the chagrin of many in this sub.

Ant-man is not representative of cultural views as a whole. Anyone, of any gender, who chooses to cheat rather than be honest, is weak and cowardly. There is no double-standard about that, writ large.

Direct-Alternative70 · 2024-05-24T05:25:04+00:00

No sex in a marriage is ridiculous and to me it ruins the whole point of the relationship in general. If you wanted a buddy don’t be in a relationship. If you wanted a friend don’t get in a relationship. Relationship is about physical and emotional intimacy and if you don’t want that then don’t be in a relationship.

Stunning-Ad14 · 2024-05-24T02:19:33+00:00

Obviously yes

ArmariumEspata · 2024-05-24T02:24:14+00:00

The reason for that double standard is because men are thought to always want sex no matter what, so a married man who doesn’t put out is considered to be defective or neglectful of his wife’s needs.

Of course, in reality, male sexuality is much more complicated than that and we simply aren’t able to fuck on cue.

To answer your question: yes. A woman, or man, who feels sexually rejected in her/his marriage has the right to leave.

Ultramega39 · 2024-05-24T02:23:52+00:00

Perhaps.

I mean if a woman broke up with me just because I refuse to have sex, to me that means that I definitely "doged a bullet" and that she wasn't the right person for me.

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bluestjuice · 2024-05-24T04:20:32+00:00

Yes, of course. Reasonable people who take their partner and their commitment in the relationship seriously would spend a significant length of time trying to resolve the issue through other methods, but ultimately unresolvable sexual differences are a valid reason for breakup and divorce.

-Blatherskite · 2024-05-24T02:26:05+00:00

Why are they refusing to have sex?

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superlurkage · 2024-05-24T03:11:46+00:00

Of course

But kids don’t understand the importance of rumpy pumpy; they just see humans who care for them

chilumibrainrot · 2024-05-24T03:15:37+00:00

any reason is a valid reason for breakup. if someone wants to end a relationship, breakup. no use staying and resenting your partner.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-05-24T04:42:58+00:00

Anything can be. So yes, absolutely. Otheres can't force you to stay in relationships that you don't like.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-05-24T06:20:15+00:00

If the lack of sex is something that is making you sad, unloved, lonely, and resentful, leaving the relationship might be the best option. Ideally, you'd figure out why this was happening and work it out with your partner but if you can't, a breakup or a divorce are options.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-05-24T07:27:54+00:00

Yes because any reason is a valid reason. I don't think anyone should ever be forced or force themselves to remain in a relationship even if the reason they don't want to stay is silly. It's often not a smart reason though and there are far better ways to deal with this than just breaking up which I would recommend only as a last resort if you've tried other things and are truly miserable. (Is there a health problem or communication problem to fix? If you're saying your options are cheat or break up, have you even considered asking for an open relationship? Relationships take hard work and many people would rather just end them thsn do any of it.) If Ant-Man is your best example that's quite pathetic, I don't think most people would consider it cheating if your spouse is dead and stuck in another dimension is a fantasy equivalent. The idea wasn't that he was faithful but he was just too sad about the whole thing to try again, being a single parent made him less likely too. Sex was not mentioned, she had a relationship with another man.

Impressive_Change289 · 2024-05-24T10:04:51+00:00

Absolutely, 100% it's valid. It's best never to get married in the first place. It's way easier to breakup than get a divorce.

DopeAFjknotreally · 2024-05-24T10:30:02+00:00

Yes. You can divorce for anything. If you’re not happy, get out.

Gilmoregirlin · 2024-05-24T11:29:43+00:00

I think it depends on why the couple is not having sex. Just saying no cause they don’t want to, generally Is grounds to break up. But often as a couple is married sickness comes up and maybe a member of the relationship is suffering with cancer which may or may not be long term, or some other long term illness then no I don’t think that’s grounds for breaking up. Or if a man is impotent or a woman becomes frigid, presuming both have tried or are trying to fix it. It’s considered immoral for either partner to cheat, unless the marriage is open.

Scarce12 · 2024-05-24T11:44:50+00:00

A deadbedroom isn't a simple refusal of sex!

A dead bedroom is when a partner shuts sex out of the relationship altogether through stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism and contempt.

John Gottman lists these as the "Four horsemen of the apocalypse" when it comes to marriage, and highly predicts a divorce within 6 years.

GrandpaDallas · 2024-05-24T12:27:06+00:00

I don’t see it as a problem in either case. Physical needs are something that in consider integral to a good relationship.

However, communication is important. I do see lots of men who complain that their wife isn’t in the mood for sex days/weeks after giving birth, and that is definitely a problem, because in those cases the man isn’t recognizing the actual biological difficulties for the woman to actually have sex in those days following childbirth.

In the case of cheating, it’s immoral for either party to cheat.

Sorcha16 · 2024-05-24T12:27:58+00:00

Lack of sexual compatability is a valid reason for divorce. As long as we're not talking because of temporary medical issues caused by something like pregnancy. It's kinda expected to not have sex for a few weeks after giving birth even if everything went well.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2024-05-24T12:36:18+00:00

Why are all the lamenting posts so long with no tl;dr? You know the best sign of IQ? Compression.

Everything is a valid reason for breakup/divorce, you get to make choices and live with their consequences - great right?

kochIndustriesRussia · 2024-05-24T12:48:03+00:00

In what country? You don't need a "valid reason" in most western countries anymore.

Irreconcilable differences is the catch all divorce when you just realize that you made a mistake and want out.

obviousredflag · 2024-05-24T13:34:37+00:00

Can you tell me what you want to achieve with pointing out a double standard? You think anyone is changing their behavior because you told them it's a double standard?

Refusetosay12 · 2024-05-24T13:39:40+00:00

A lack of sex is a valid reason to split. Your real point, that women get a pass if they cheat because of a lack of sex in a relationship is overstated, but there is some merit to it. It seems that when a woman cheats because of a lack of sex some people will just think she's a whore and not inquire beyond that, but some will express understanding for her plight. I'm in the latter group.

If a man cheats due to a lack of sex, he's often assumed to be too demanding, not understanding of her reasons for being uninterested, or maybe just a shit lay. Then some people either lack that bias or get past it and try to see it from his viewpoint. I'm in that latter group.

For people who have no sympathy for the cheater, I see more really caustic abuse hurled at women when they cheat. Mostly by men but women chime in too.

But for people who see or at least consider why a person might stray, I see far more people extending that consideration to women. Mostly by women, but men join that chorus at times also.

Bur here's a tie breaker if we're looking at this as tribes or teams we're rooting for. Women can cheat way easier than men can. Often with men who are at least as attractive or more so than their committed partner. Their opportunity and benefit, if we can call it that, are both typically greater than most men's. And yet most studies and my personal eperience show that at most women cheat about as often as men. Probably less, but say it's even.

Men have to be working pretty hard for less payoff to make that happen. Doesn't make us look to virtuous or true. Or smart.

Whoreasaurus_Rex · 2024-05-24T15:04:18+00:00

Can refusing sex be a valid reason for breakup or divorce?

Absolutely. And for the record, cheating is wrong regardless of which party does it.

relish5k · 2024-05-24T15:40:16+00:00

Sexlessness in a marriage can be a attributed to a lot of things. If your partner is temporarily ill or physically recovering (say, from childbirth), then it would be asshole-ish to divorce them for that. Even for a prolonged period, say up to a year. Or if the sexlessness is a result of one person feeling completely overstretched by taking on the lions share of domestic and work responsibilities while the other partner has ample time to rest and recharge. In that case, work on evening the load before going nuclear.

But if both partners are mentally and physically well, and someone says "I'm just not really open to having sex with you, full stop" then that is a cruel thing to do to a spouse. I do think cheating in this case can be a valid option.

And none of this is specific to a gender.

VWGUYWV · 2024-05-24T15:41:48+00:00

The expectation is that humans want sex and that if you are exclusive then you have sex with each other

This is basic to humans and anyone that doesn’t understand or abide by it should not be in a relationship

63daddy · 2024-05-24T15:44:10+00:00

The U.S. no longer has fault based divorce. One can have any reason or no reason.

pg_throwaway · 2024-05-24T16:29:10+00:00

It's a valid reason to annul a marriage in my country.

According to the law: "marriage is for the purpose of children", if one spouse refuses to perform actions that result in children when the other spouse wants children, the spouse who refuses will be considered to be engaged in marriage fraud, and the marriage will be annulled. Sex is obviously required for children.

If you both agree to no kids or no sex, you're good. If one spouse decides by themselves after getting married that they want no sex or no children, then it's a marriage fraud.

In fact the spouse guilty of marriage fraud can also be successfully sued for all gifts or other assets they acquired as part of the marriage and could be given administrative fines by the government (though the fines are extremely unlikely to happen).

Also, culturally, women that don't sleep with their husbands are considered to be asking for their husband to cheat. If a husband said "my wife refused to ever have sex with me, so I started sleeping with other women", 80% of people would blame the wife and say "well, she deserved it because she was bad wife".

Critical_Corner_1859 · 2024-05-24T17:34:58+00:00

If you divorce because your spouse refuses sex once or twice, you're twisted. If you divorce because your spouse is refusing sex due to medical reasons, you're twisted.

If you keep denying your spouse sex or give them shitty sex (starfish, never making them finish-i.e never putting effort in helping them finish), you're twisted If you think they'll stay/ not stray.

Monogamy is like a contract. If you break the rules, the other party is entitled to break the rules too. Exclusivity comes with the agreement of taking care of eachother's needs.

xxTheMagicBulleT · 2024-05-24T19:06:30+00:00

Almost anything can be a reason to break up. Definitely, if you don't get your intimate needs met.

But many people don't stand by the vows they casually say to each other but often don't really mean. So for many find mundane reason's to break up. Or when things stopped being easy.

So I don't see how this would not be a good reason when you look at all the other reasons people like to say.

Relationship is serving each other's needs and fulfilling each other's desires. And working to a common goals together. When people unwilling to serve each other's needs. In time people are not motivated to serving both ways and the relationship dies.

It's just that simple cause a relationship means you only choose each other. And unwilling. Might mean they will find it somewhere else or a break up will happen.

And both sides have their own breaking point. Or things they find very important in the relationship. And what they willing or unwilling to accept or not accept.

And there countless differences from person to person. So what be a breaking point for me might not be for someone else.

But I think anyone desires a willingness to serve or want to look out for there partner and that has a desire to fulfilling the wants and needs. And when both have that in both ways. And don't take each other for granted and realy try and serve each other. And not just look what's easy at the moment. Relationship last many times longer.

Cause for most relationships you get out of a relationship what you give in. Why would 1 side care about your needs. If you dont care about there's.

Why would somone do all kinds of things for you. If your not willing to do the same.

The more lazy and complacency you have to take your partner for granted cause they make your life more easy the more likely in time they will move on.

What many people seem to just forget. Your worthy of something based on what you give in return to the other based on value the other wants.

One sided relationships don't last very long. So compromises and sacrifices are necessary. Not saying you can't say no or disagree. But don't be surprised on the other side they don't give in to things you want as well. Cause it's a give and take the more you take and the less you give. The more likely you bend the relationship till it does inevitability does lead to a break up or cheating often depending if its cheaper to keep somone then you leave somone.

So any reason is a valid reason if it happens enough times

Clear_Ad6054 · 2024-05-24T19:08:55+00:00

YES.

Even the law says so: Frenchman ordered to pay wife damages for lack of sex (telegraph.co.uk)

You are getting married, nowhere does it say you're signing a vow of celibacy.

apresonly · 2024-05-24T19:30:54+00:00

any reason you want to breakup with someone or divorce is valid

Gold_Supermarket1956 · 2024-05-24T20:39:18+00:00

All the women on here will likely say you're a pig if you break up because she won't fuck you but will in a heart beat blame you as they reason they cheated so

HappyCat79 · 2024-05-24T21:50:20+00:00

People can divorce or breakup for any reason and every reason is valid. If someone no longer wants to be in a relationship then it’s best to end it, because everybody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who WANTS to be with them.

But to answer your question directly: yes, incompatible sexual desire is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship regardless of gender.

SeaworthinessSea2407 · 2024-05-25T01:02:25+00:00

Yes. No one is owed sex, nor is anyone owed a relationship

eli_ashe · 2024-05-25T03:21:37+00:00

yes, this isn't even a real question tbh.

a sexual relationship is implied, if someone is refusing sex consistently, that is the end of the sexual relationship. at best, this might mean you ought discuss the realities of the relationship, at worst this is just someone using the refusal of sex to manipulate and control the relationship to their own ends.

a genuine lack of interest is a thing, don't get me wrong, but too oft refusal is little more than manipulation and control. best to think of sexual relationships as having some sense of obligation to actually be sexual with one's chosen lovers. a failure to meet that obligation is a problem that needs to be dealt with in some way.

RevolutionaryJob7908 · 2024-05-25T08:43:20+00:00

yes. for me its if there's no good reason for it, if refuse makes no sense , if its consistent. its like hiring someone, they don't do what they were hired for. so stop paying them.

saywhatitis11 · 2024-05-25T17:28:27+00:00

What you’ll see more often is a man saying it’s cheaper to keep her, satisfying his sexual needs outside the marriage, then he’s blamed as a cheater and ruining the marriage.

Individual_Speech_10 · 2024-05-27T10:20:01+00:00

I think anyone can break up with anyone they want for any reason, whether they are married or not or have kids or not because being single is better than being in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You're reason for the breakup might make you a shitty person, but it's still better than staying with said person. Breaking up is better than cheating.

Nyanpireeee · 2024-05-28T01:00:03+00:00

I think it depends on the extent and context. If your partner doesn’t want to have sex for a month because they’re severely depressed and you leave for that, I think that’s a MAJOR dick move. But if your partner has a significantly lower drive to the point you cannot both be satisfied at once and you struggle to find a medium, that’s kind of understandable. It seems like both individuals would have their needs better met by someone more similar. I would not date an asexual person, personally. I would not feel desirable and it would hurt my self esteem. Slight differences in drive can be ignored I think.

But it’s never okay to cheat or pressure someone into anything- that’s SA. The right thing would be to simply acknowledge incompatibility and wish them the best.

Professional_Chair28 · 2024-05-24T02:15:54+00:00

If someone’s suddenly ‘refusing sex’ then there’s deeper issues at play, maybe personal or maybe relationship.

Either way incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship. But you run the risk of assuming it’s incompatibility when maybe it was actually a health issue and you just walked out on someone you really loved. Or maybe it was a communication issue and it just happens in your next relationship all over again.

purplish_possum · 2024-05-24T02:47:32+00:00

If she decides she doesn't want to fuck the relationship/marriage is over. Simple as that.

Toxic_LigmaMale · 2024-05-24T05:59:14+00:00

There are no standards anymore. Wedding vows used to mean something. But you can pretty do what you want and for whatever reason now. Husbands and wives used to have generally understood duties, sex included, to keep the family unit amicable and functional. People can't seem to fathom that anymore. So there's no poi t staying trying to fix someone if they don't want to be fixed.

Blu_Z32 · 2024-05-24T07:25:07+00:00

Yes it is. If your needs are not being met such as something like sex which is required for a relationship to flourish. It's a double standard because women are incapable of blame and it's always on men. Therefore he's a demon for wanting his needs met, but she can have all of hers. Except for men most of the time it's sex, but society paints men as the bad guys because they're biologically wired to require it. Just as women are wired to their emotional needs and being provided for. But the moment a woman feels she's not getting what's required for her needs, no one bats an eye once she leaves the relationship. Which isn't initially wrong for her sake.

A good relationship is one where you make sacrifices no matter what to make your partner feel loved. As long as they return the favor then it doesn't matter what it is. A woman should keep a man sexually satisfied, possibly fed as well. A man should keep the woman emotionally cared and provided for. When you bring kids into a situation like this most men are aware that if he stands up to it he will legally be shut down, resulting in him losing his children and having to pay child support for kids that aren't in his life anymore. So he accepts the reality of a broken relationship.

It's come to a point like you said where men are shamed for having needs in a relationship, especially sexual ones. While women can claim you're not "entitled to sex" when you're in a literal relationship. A relationship without sex when one party requires it is unrequited. Women are so controlling over sex that they won't even give it to someone they "love" but will throw that rule out of the window when the right person comes around.

I think one of the biggest problems with today's dating culture is that it's all one sided, mostly from women. They will take all, but won't return back. Men also do this, but In a lesser amount when compared to women because if they did they'd be stunned and shamed for it. Men give up too easily because of it. it's not worth all of the struggle and pain to have someone mediocre who won't appreciate you for what you have to offer. Always expecting more and more because she seen it on social media or there's 100 men in their dms offering them things you could never give her.

Dr_Click_Click_Boom · 2024-05-24T02:55:30+00:00

Absolutely. Marriage vows have meaning and part of most marriage vows involve some variation of to have and to hold. Now what does that phrase mean? If I walked up to a woman and said I wanted to have her and hold her what assumption would she make? She would assume that I wanted to fuck her and rightfully so.

When a couple vows to have and to hold it's nothing more than a G-Rated promise to have sex since polite company, including children, are often at weddings. But make no mistake about it...vowing to have and to hold is vowing to have sex. So yes, not having sex within a marriage is violating wedding vows and as much a justification for divorce as infidelity or domestic violence and certainly more of a justification than "irreconcilable differences".

I'm not talking about the occasional headache on a Tuesday night, I'm talking about decades long dead bedrooms. Absolutely grounds for divorce.

Title	Can refusing sex be a valid reason for breakup or divorce?
Author	balhaegu
Upvotes	15
Comments	168
Date	May 24, 2024 1:49 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1cz9m72/can_refusing_sex_be_a_valid_reason_for_breakup_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/can-refusing-sex-be-a-valid-reason-for-breakup-or.1519353 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519353

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