To the men who complain about loneliness

wtknight · 2024-03-18T11:16:05+00:00

Flair changed to Question for Men

ComfortableJeans · 2024-03-18T07:49:37+00:00

The lonliness is often a result of past abuse, negative experiences, and very poor self-esteem.

They might seem trivial, but these are VERY, VERY difficult issues to overcome. To even begin overcoming. There's a reason that a lot of people simply choose to kill themselves. A lot of the time, these things seem insurmountable to the sufferer.

Often, we paint these men as just bad people. Lazy willing "incel" victims that've brought it on themselves. We demonise them to the point where a man saying that he's lonely is more likely to bring scron and negative looks than it is to see someone reach out and help in any meaningful sense.

The reality is that most of these lonely people, both men and women, are likely just hurt people, sometimes suffering from awful conditions, mental illnesses, or struggling mentally.

Even here, in this thread, it's easier to chastise and talk down to rather than speak to them as though they were hurt people. These situations aren't simply resolved for people who struggle to resolve them.

A fat person wouldn't be fat if they simply didn't eat so much.

A person who self harms would be fine if they simply stopped cutting themselves.

A socially isolated person would be fine if they didn't isolate and were in social situations.

A depressed person would be fine if they simply cheered up and stopped feeding into their depression.

The loneliness is a symptom of other issues that have stopped them being able to interact socially. Simply telling someone to just be social is as useless as telling someone eating themselves to death to just stop eating. The underlying issue is likely FAR, FAR more complex, and harder to deal with.

> What hobbies and activities are you taking up to engage with other people who enjoy the same things as you?

This is also dumb. Most of these people are majorly depressed, and anyone with any experience with depression will tell you that any desire to engage in or to have a hobby or interests leaves pretty early on. Before you even realise how fucking depressed you are. On top of that, you can't force an intrest or hobby. You either have it or you don't. You don't even know what you're intrested in until you try it a lot of the time. And a LOT of hobbies are really fucking expensive. Even cheap shit isn't really cheap when you're trying out 3 or 4 things at once to see what you like. Most people can't afford to just jump around hobbies trying random shit out until they find something that sticks. But here we go again, more demonising of men and women that can't afford shit in our terribly expensive world these days.

Also, as someone who has been to 6 therapists, I REALLY wish people would stop the Just go to therapy! line. It is not a fix all. It is not simple. It takes years and years of work to begin meaningfully altering yourself. I know a bloke who was in therapy for 14 years before he could make one positive fucking movment.

And a good therapist is like finding gold. Most of them are pretty shit, to be honest. Very surface level readings of yourself that you already know, or could get from some random on a fucking bus stop. On top of all of that, odds are these lonely men and women likely have massive issues opening up at all, never mind to a paid stranger.

And they're fucking expensive, not everyone has the money to just from nut doctor or nut doctor.

A lot of these people think, for whatever reason, of themselves as worthless people who others don't want around at all, never mind conceptualising the idea that someone would love them.

Social Isolation is one of the top risk factors for sucidal outcomes. Do you REALLY think that it's because sticking a gun in your mouth is the easier solution than going to join a club? Or do you think there might be some really difficult to deal with issues underneath all that?

Honestly, most advice just comes down to "Uhmm, have you just tried NOT having mental issues?" *smug emoji.* It's such surface level readings. OF COURSE people wouldn't have these issues if they weren't suffering from something that made the issues incredibly hard to solve in the first place. You're coming at this from the standpoint that these people are fine, and can do this as easily and as simply as you. They're not. Also, most people haven't been in the position where they have nobody socially since starting school as a very young child, I highly doubt that a lot of you could go from zero to a full, bustling social life if you had to start again from total isolation as some, like, 34 year old, 5'5 ugly boy. Or a 34 year old, life long fat girl with a very low self worth and an ugly face.

Every issue is easily solved if you can easily solve the issue. It's when you find it really hard to solve the issue becomes difficult. People struggle a lot with different things, things I find easy to deal with daily would have you killing yourself within the year. Things you breeze through would put me back into taking drugs every day.

I'm so sick of this "I would simply overcome any issue, why don't you?" mentality from people, especially when a lot of you haven't ever even been fucking tested. I've handled shit in my life that would legitimately kill a lot of you people, in a very literal sense, and I've done so with tremendous fucking ease. It would never occure to me to just assume you could handle it and chew you out if you couldn't. What's easy to me would destroy other people. And vice versa.

If you don't like them, or they bug you, just ignore them. But this constant chewing out is NOT helping these people. It's likely just pushing them further into their isolation holes.

Part of the reasons we have these issues is because so many of you have so terribly little empathy, sympathy and honestly, even understanding of yourselves, let alone others.

R.I.P. Emily. I really miss you, and I wish that you'd had a better start... God damn it, it's too early in the morning to be fucking crying.

EminemLovesGrapes · 2024-03-18T13:54:38+00:00

I recently watched a podcast with Dr.K on it as a guest about it where he talks about exactly this One of them being loneliness. He ties to male suicide -- which has always been higher among men but we're noticing it now because it's getting worse.

Highly reccomend to give that one a watch if you're genuinely curious or not just trolling as to why "lol these guys just don't fix it themselves".

What hobbies and activities are you taking up to engage with other people who enjoy the same things as you?

What he sees is that the thing people try to do before they make the final choice is try to connect with people. But what happens is quite sad. These people get rejected. People can be quite judgemental -- inlcuding you OP! And that rejection is highly correlated with suicide.

Half of the men who commit suïcide have no previous history or evidence of mental illness. They -- quite objectively realise there is no way out. And then the most rational decision is to commit suicide.

Do you go to therapy or do you see it as a waste of time?

Therapy is a troubling thing on its own. Even taking my own country as an example. Man or women you're looking at 6months before you even get in the door. That's assuming you make it through the GGZ gauntlet of them actually admitting you have an issue and not trying to get rid of you (has happened to me, personally).

You could write pages and pages as to why saying "just go to therapy brah" is just not gonna work.

I’m asking these questions because I find these same men complaining but blaming women, the government, society, aliens

No one is listening. They have no other outlet than this -- and as the podcast also mentions quite aptly: Men are socialised and conditioned to only feel anger. Everything gets suppressed and turns into anger.

So you get a bunch of sad men who feel lonely and hurt and they're dealing with it the only way they know how.

What are you doing to change this situation?

I've never given much concious thought in it as a man but what he also went into is that it's not a problem that men can fix on their own. And even that it's not up society to fix it, because it hasn't been able to. It's up to you. Yes you. And me. But also you.

It's made me personally more cognisant of men who might be more vulnerable and at least to be more open to them. I'm not a role model at all in this, but I hope that when the time comes I'll be able to spot someone like that and reach out and connect. Before it's too late.

HTML_Novice · 2024-03-18T12:01:42+00:00

I do tons of things, I joined sports leagues, I do hobby groups that are primarily women ( not for the women but because I love the hobby ), I’ve reconnected with old friends etc etc. it’s helped a bit, but even if I have some friends I’m still lonely.

In terms of dating I’ve had a couple girls introduce themselves to me during the hobby, ( these ones are cute just not usually my type ), and when I go out to bars sometimes girls go up to me ( these ones are usually straight 1’s ).

In order to remedy dating I’ve been trying to just cold approach girls I’m attracted to.

SupportRemarkable583 · 2024-03-18T05:28:51+00:00

For me personally. I had a bad childhood. Dropped out of high-school had parents who could give a shit less about me. The peak of it though was when my father killed himself and I was the one who found him. Once you see some shit like that it messes you up bad. Spent years doing nothing besides being depressed and socially isolation myself. In the last year I Dropped 40 pounds, finished school, got a job in my hopefully career field (which is where most my social interaction come from) as well as picking up some new hobbies. Also seeing a therapist too.

RaidenTheBlue · 2024-03-18T05:51:41+00:00

Personally, I’ve been embracing my interests now more than ever. Art, specifically to do with classical art and historical treasure. But… it’s a domain that’s almost entirely full of old men, and not a woman in sight. Thus, I now need to develop new interests that get me closer to women my age (early to mid 20’s). I like sports, but nothing “normal.” I like to write and read, but that’s boring. There’s nothing sexy about anything I enjoy in life, besides maybe traveling, but that’s not exactly affordable unless I get a lucky opportunity as a recent post-grad student.

I believe I, like many other men, have come to an impasse. We desire women similar to ourselves and our values, but paradoxically, a woman like that wouldn’t know how to meet a man like me, because she’s likely in exactly the same rut as we are due to frustration and lack of imagination as to where to even go to meet the other.

Essentially, we’re both screwed.

Key_Construction1332 · 2024-03-18T05:36:54+00:00

Im lonely cause im ugly as fuck. Respecting women or helping doesn’t make you lonely or social. There are plenty of lonely men who are involved and socially aware but are still ostracized for being ugly autistic etc etc. just like there are mysognistic selfish bad men who are anything but lonely due to them having looks status etc. your personality is rarely the reason your in a social caste its how well society “likes” you.

NotReallyTired_ · 2024-03-18T12:38:33+00:00

It took me taking actions to improve myself to realize how much it isn’t my fault and how much certain issues are out of my control. To put it shortly, I did everything I could within reason from therapy and mindfulness to physical and tangible improvement.

That journey made me realize how little effort I’m receiving from potential partners. I’m out here taking on the trials of Hercules for the average woman. I busted my ass to only find dates from women who don’t match the effort and fortitude, that I’m expected to adhere to. You asked a series of questions whether men are doing the work to attract and maintain a relationship, but are you and other women doing the same? You can’t tell men to improve themselves and work hard, while women aren’t required to do the same. Ofc men would complain and burn out.

thedarkracer · 2024-03-18T05:45:32+00:00

Background. I am the only child of my parents. I was put in a boarding school at 4 and left it at 18. I had thyroid problems which stunted my growth such that I was physically weaker than an average girl. Cherry on top, I am a nerd so yeah bullying was a norm. No one wanted to hang around bcz I was boring. Due to thyroid I would get tired easily and used to blame myself (knew about thyroid at age 20). I pushed focus to more sports, learned to put needs of others before me even at my own expense, etc. Beat thyroid around 16 as I didn't get tired anymore. Then everyone matured and got emphatic. Made friends but didn't stay for long.

I have kept moving my whole life. Don't have one friend group so that adds. On top I don't feel like home at home. I push away when I am in trouble and go like a lone wolf. I don't tell what I am facing and don't trust anyone. Loneliness is painful but it is the only feeling I know.

TeachMePlease7777 · 2024-03-18T09:02:22+00:00

The classic conservative argument to “pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” There’s some merit, but a ton of nuance is lost

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-03-18T15:36:36+00:00

Cool a post that invalidates men's complains and then further blames men. How original.

Aafan_Barbarro · 2024-03-18T05:59:14+00:00

This post is basically: if you have a problem, it must be fixable, so why haven't you fixed yet you lazy loser?!

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2024-03-18T13:12:22+00:00

Yes a significant amount of men (and women) in the US are suffering from loneliness and the solution is…stop being lonely. Genius.

YearnsToDestroySun · 2024-03-18T05:50:15+00:00

Oh, I thought it was about partnering up since online dating screwed everything up lol.

I hate online dating, I finally got my photos to where I can get matches and dates, but the 1st date anxiety, holy hell women have no forgiveness for that. And it's so random the logic and subjectiveness of whatever they fantasize you are blind to. Very isolating feeling.

Even if you're good looking, it almost seems more of a requirement to show that charm even if it feels phoney since you don't know anyone to truly try that hard the first date. I'm not that good at displaying my true personality while just getting newly acquainted to someone. But it's like they feel the ever ole enigmatic 'spark' enough to wanna fuck you first date, or it's a rejection....no in between. And to boot, it's so weird with no signs of introspection and their choices like these women have no agency and the incapability to parse logic and emotion. I don't respect people like that.

That's just the patterns I'm seeing...

So I have to just view it as a job and just force myself to do two dates a month (have a kid as well) just for practice, and then after that I'll probably be too jaded to ever commit to a woman after all that work. Just take all that you worked for in PUA 'spark manipulation' companionship pleasure and a man can be in the mood for a redhead one day or a blonde the next.

Women can't feel like sincere soulmate or marriage partners anymore after experiencing too many of those patterns a dude can relate to.

AidsVictim · 2024-03-18T08:03:59+00:00

I think this it's useful to ask whether most men are experiencing general social loneliness or romantic loneliness. Some "solutions" are more useful for one or the other - for instance

What are the actions you are taking to change that? What hobbies and activities are you taking up to engage with other people who enjoy the same things as you?

This can be useful for general social loneliness but it's also difficult for men to form more serious (platonic) relationships from these groups. It usually takes a fair amount of time and investment for men to start benefitting socially from this, for various reasons usually significantly longer than it does for women.

It's also worth noting that many hobby/activity groups men genuinely enjoy and want to join tend to be heavily male gendered which usually means no romantic loneliness alleviation.

Do you go to therapy or do you see it as a waste of time? Do you listen to what women have to say or do you deem their opinion less valuable?

Can you give a reason why men should especially listen to women on this issue? Women are barely doing better than men when it comes to social outcomes, especially younger groups. And given how much more likely they are to engage with therapy it doesn't seem to actually be producing "good" results - in fact it doesn't seem to be doing much for women besides their significantly higher psych related drug dependencies rates.

Do you get involved with your local community to bring up male mental health issues?

"Build a community center for lonely men"

What are your thoughts on being responsible for your own life choices? Do you accept the fact that playing the victim will not get you anywhere or is it just comfortable to be in this position?

I’m asking these questions because I find these same men complaining but blaming women, the government, society, aliens, the stars except taking responsibility and accountability for their own actions (or lack of), so, let’s take the blame away from everything else and focus on the ones complaining about the issue. What are you doing to change this situation?

If you want to criticize mens whininess on the issue you should just lead with that. There are a lot of annoying whiny men after all.

That said the widespread negative social trends in modern society are neither just mens or womens issues nor are they solvable on a societal scale through individualism.

Proudvow · 2024-03-18T17:14:19+00:00

What are your thoughts on being responsible for your own life choices?

This isn't like getting fat or becoming a drug addict. If other people don't want to associate with you, you will not socially succeed. It's not entirely in your hands.

We can give advice all day but unlike scoring well on a test or beating a video game you are never actually guaranteed to succeed. Have some consideration for those who fall through the cracks.

shockingly_bored · 2024-03-18T11:31:09+00:00

I think you are assuming a level of goodwill out there that would be naive to the point of stupidity to count on as a man for your problems. You can either accept this and try to live imperfectly with it, or hope for the goodwill and be decimated by the lack of it when the metaphorical cavalry you are relying on doesn't arrive.

ItsOverBoyosLDAR · 2024-03-18T12:23:47+00:00

Apart from lifting weights, not much, because the things that prevent me from having a relationship are due to genetics and environment. I am a short, bald, ugly, borderline retarded non-white living in Europe. Generally speaking white women don't date non-white men and race mixing is frowned upon. I would have to move to South America or Southeast Asia but it's not important enough to me to uproot my life in such a drastic way and I am too lazy to learn another foreign language. I consider therapy a scam so it has never been a viable option for me.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-03-18T14:22:07+00:00

You're doing the exact thing that leads to people not trying to change it. You are priviledged enough to think eveey single problem can be fixed.

You can try and look better but it will be more difficult for others to notice a difderence due to where you may majorily lose fat/weight.

You can be funny but the typical crowd you encounter doesnt find you funny. Put a nerd in the ghetto let him crack jokes and see how far he gets.

You can improve your personality to date but aren't attractive enough to garner romantic interest be it cold approaching or within your circle.

People like you tend to refuse any of this is actually possible and just say someone isnt trying hard enough.

ComfortableHyena3813 · 2024-03-18T05:40:37+00:00

I feel like I am currently being used to subside male loneliness. He's fine - he's nice. But we are so not right for each other and each of us knows it.

He's a cool dude - but he definitely wants to live his life differently than I do. He just won't admit it.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-03-18T17:38:18+00:00

As if there are more than just a few already taken women with truly interesting activities and opinions worth listening to.

FromAuntToNiece · 2024-03-19T01:42:08+00:00

Do you go to therapy or do you see it as a waste of time? Do you listen to what women have to say or do you deem their opinion less valuable?

Therapists' warning against men who trauma dump has damaged heterosexual relationships for all people. Because male trauma dumping is the only option available for many men who are seeking compassion.

Consider these two phrases uttered in an argument:

"I love you, but I never fell in love with you!"

"I would be with her and divorce you in an instant."

The two aforementioned example phrases would be uttered by non-narcissistic men who have no choice but to resort to trauma dumping in order to communicate bluntly their issues, whether limerence or fearful avoidant attachment. No amount of narcissism-related emotional supply as a response can address this. Such supply is all about worshipping narcissists, while the supply that's really needed is comprehensive compassion.

[This is why a lot of women are hypocrites when demanding empathy.]

Select_Self_6377 · 2024-03-18T05:34:49+00:00

Really? "Why aren't you better" is your question?

I find it amazing how little empathy or care is extended to so called "lonely men." More than that, you are clearly expressing a degree of disgust, this is a completely loaded question with intent to insult. You don't take into account the obvious answers of social anxiety, depression, fear, lack of knowledge, lack of parental or peer guidance from teenage years on, sense of hopelessness, lack of opportunity, lack of wealth, etc. etc.

The amount of disrespect, hatred, insults, etc directed at lonely, down on their luck men by modern society is astounding. In no other arena, in no other situation, would you blame those less fortunate and extend such vitriol. Imagine showing such little empathy for people worse off than you in any other situation. Imagine a wealthy person asking someone in poverty "why don't you just have more money? Just work harder, you'll have tons of money too!" Imagine telling someone with depression or other mental health issues "just do A and B and then you'll be fine. Even though I have no experience with what it's like to have depression (or in this case no idea what it's like being a lonely man) but trust me, it's so easy to get out of that mindset."

You didn't think about any of this though. It's not your fault, nobody does. It is the default to consider men who are lonely, bad with women, or socially anxious as complete losers. It has been that way for a very, very long time and I'm not saying it's your responsibility to change that societal perspective. However, at least offer a shred of empathy. At least consider how unreasonably harsh you are being to people demonstrably less well off than yourself.

SlimyToad5284 · 2024-03-18T13:59:51+00:00

Finally, a question for lonely men! Absolutely nothing at all, I don't bother 'looking' because I don't want to be a dancing jester for people that will discard you the moment you stop being funny or interesting to them. When the world treats you like a the same as a replaceable lightbulb, don't be surprised if we have a little bit of self awareness, self respect and chose to not jump through the unknown amount of hoops required, just to have a ""friend"". The juice ain't worth the squeeze for me.

Edit: added a missing word

AstronautExisting230 · 2024-03-18T05:37:45+00:00

Nothing. Social media permanently screwed this generation's social competence . I think people will look back on it like cigarettes to be honest.

"It was harmful for everyone at the time, but we couldn't stop doing it in the moment; I mean everybody was doing it"

bottleblank · 2024-03-18T06:24:29+00:00

[permanently deleted]

HappyVer · 2024-03-18T06:45:33+00:00

Data shows that "Globally, Men and Women Are Equally Lonely": https://news.gallup.com/opinion/gallup/512618/almost-quarter-world-feels-lonely.aspx

The_Forgotten001 · 2024-03-18T06:02:37+00:00

Since I was a former lonely man before I became attractive, I try to bring awareness to people who don't know. I also give out pointers to (IRL) the men I know who need some help, they see my success and normally listen to a pointer based on what I see they lack (or need to tweak)

ThrowawayHomesch · 2024-03-18T05:36:51+00:00

You do realize how women treat ugly men right? I've sometimes gone to a movie theater to watch a movie. If there is a woman there within 2 rows of me, she will literally get out of her seat and move all the way to the front row as though I'm some kind of rapist. This has happened multiple times when I am there. In fact I can recall only one single time in my life (October 2016) where a woman did not try to sit as far as possible from me on public transport. That's how rare it is.

And you don't think we've tried listening to women before? The only thing I've been constantly told by them is that I need therapy. Like what the fuck is a therapist gonna do? If the advice that women give us is shit that obviously doesn't work, why should we value their opinions?

It's not rocket science. Most want to get treated like a normal human being in society which is completely off limits to the bottom 30% of men. Therapy isn't going to change how people treat you. Men literally derive zero benefit from going to therapy because talking about our problems doesn't make us feel better. Only fixing them does.

As far as solutions? The only thing I'd recommend for ugly men to do is go for things like limb lengthening, hard mewing, hair transplants, skincare, so that you can reach the top 50% in looks. Once you reach that threshold, shift your focus to improving your personality.

The advice I've heard people give is literally the opposite. They tell you to improve your personality when you don't even meet the looks threshold first.

gopher_glitz · 2024-03-18T21:09:13+00:00

Loneliness for young men is a PC term for lack of sex. I've never met a man who identifying as single yet getting laid constantly be 'lonely'

Gold_Supermarket1956 · 2024-03-19T00:28:57+00:00

Ok for one modern therapy does not work for men because one most therapists are women... And we have established most women don't care about men... So why would a female therapist?? Besides therapy techniques are designed to help women...

gothfrootloop · 2024-03-18T06:37:08+00:00

Areas that were originally safe spaces to build community and friendship amongst men have become overtaken by women. There are essentially no male only spaces anymore due to it being seen as socially unacceptable. As a woman you might not know this, but a someone has told me that when a woman enters the room, any meaningful conversation ends. <— I find that to be incredibly true, and is why they need their own spaces, yet this is incredibly difficult since the current hive mentality is that male only spaces are a sexist concept despite women having women only spaces galore to go and hide in. We may not be a very large physical threat to men, but constantly intervening on their spaces is having effects on the male community.
Therapy is not very effective for men. There are many factors that go into this. Whether it’s the problem solving mentality most men have that doesn’t allow them to acknowledge the importance of talking through feelings, or whether they feel shame for attending which has been thrown at them by society (yes, women too), or maybe they’re uncomfortable discussing their issues to a female (most therapists are women) who will not understand their perspectives and experiences as a man, etc etc. Due to previous reasons mentioned and many, many more, unless it’s the difference between living and not living, it will be a waste of time to most men.
Women do not socialize like men, so yes our opinions on how things should go aren’t very relevant since most are unaware of the differences and therefore, cannot actually provide and worthwhile advice. Keyword: most
Because of very similar reasons to 2, it is not actually that simple to try and discuss and be louder about male mental issues to try and treat the problem. There are nuances, such as how society will view and label them + now there’s possible public humiliation involved.

Your other questions seem to be individual to individual differences and I’m not a man so I can’t answer those.

N-Zoth · 2024-03-18T06:31:56+00:00

The ugly truth is that social skills are exactly that... a skill. That people practice since the day they are born. Empathizing with people is a skill. Reading and interpreting the full spectrum of information that other people are conveying (not just words but the context, the subtext, body language and whatnot) is a skill. Knowing how to communicate with other people to make them want to talk to you is a skill. Knowing when to back off is a skill.

What happens when you don't practice those skills?

What we are seeing is an entire generation coming off of a 10-20 year long gaming / web surfing binge and finding out that they lack the social skills that their peers had spent all that time developing. It's uncomfortable and the idea that you have fallen behind is scary. And there are no quick fixes. You can catch up in a reasonable time frame, but it requires concentrated effort and self-reflection. It's a lot easier to blame external factors than admit that you goofed up.

PoliticsBanEvasion8 · 2024-03-18T06:37:31+00:00

I think you'll find most men, at least judging by the comments so far, are in a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. Without some sort of medical intervention in the form of therapy or meds, there's only so much you can do to escape your own head/past. And treatment isn't available to everyone, unfortunately.

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-03-18T07:19:55+00:00

I already gave up. I'm just here for entertainment

obviousredflag · 2024-03-18T11:27:04+00:00

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Just to get things straight: there is no MALE loneliness epidemic. That you hear about men and their loneliness more is probably due to the content you consume online. I also find it justified to ask "what are you doing about it" IF the people complain about being lonely and blame others instead of looking for the reasons in themselves. Becaues the general notion from men in the corner of blaming others do think that if women are lonely is it must be totally for their choice to be lonely and not because of mental hurdles and other outside factors. So if women are thought to fix their loneliness by changing their behavior, it's fine to apply this logic to men. Not because it is really possible in all cases, but to show how they are wrong about their assumptions about female loneliness.

gusGus22_ · 2024-03-18T05:54:50+00:00

Turn this around on women. What are they doing to make their partnerships more equal? Is that sexist? Is that victim blaming?

For men it’s what are you doing wrong. For women it’s what is society doing to you.

Do you want a large group of men to rise up and fight for what they see as unjust treatment? I don’t think you really do…

LordArtichud · 2024-03-18T06:11:25+00:00

Going back to school so I'm around more hot women my age

FreitasAlan · 2024-03-18T08:42:38+00:00

I’m not lonely myself and don’t blame anyone but I still recognize the ways things are set up is a zero sum game many men will lose. Men have to earn what they have. In a zero sim game, if they improve themselves (assuming this has a huge effect which I’m not sure it has) someone else is going to be lonely. Some other men think the way things are set up the benefit is not worth the cost of the competition either.

MikeArrow · 2024-03-18T05:23:33+00:00

Until I get thin enough to be attractive I don't see the point in doing anything, really.

No_Mammoth8801 · 2024-03-18T06:18:03+00:00

I'd say I'm hungry for socialization, not necessarily starving. I have a friend group, but they're spread out and at the stage of their lives where they're settling down and only want to do stuff with other couples most of the time. I'll go out maybe once a month, house parties maybe 3, maybe 4 times a year. But that's it.

Single women are scarce; single women I could find myself atrracted to even more so. There's a lot of pressure to make a stellar first impression because you're not going to get another chance due to lack of third spaces. I feel like most women around my age who actually wanted a partner have already gotten one, so what I'm left with are the avoidants and introverts.

Thus I've largely given up on meeting women as a "primary objective". If it happens, it happens; I'm just there to have a good time. Socializing, even with platonic intent or with other men, satiates me but even when I try to build connections with most men, I find them to be flaky, too busy, boring, and/or horrible at communication and setting things up. Might be a generational thing but who knows.

I've tried the hobby thing and let me just say: any mixed group hobby will inevitably be flooded by men and drive women out. They do not exist in large numbers anymore. Every meetup I've been to is either a sausage fest or exclusively for women or some other protected minority (LGBTQ+, POC).

Do you listen to what women have to say or do you deem their opinion less valuable?

In real life, sure. In this sub? Fuck no. Too much unironic misandry.

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Champagne_george99 · 2024-03-18T07:10:03+00:00

Having friends is extremely important when it comes to dating. I feel nobody wants to date some who is perceived as anti social or with poor social skills.

captaindestucto · 2024-03-19T08:36:16+00:00

I thought there were rules against stirring the pot?

To answer these "questions"

It's difficult to be social when people are hostile or indifferent as a rule - and you really have to experience that to have anything intelligent to say about what 'putting yourself out there' entails for the lower caste of men who can't expect good will.

(lol your post history...why should anyone bother responding to you?)

abaxeron · 2024-03-19T22:20:43+00:00

Got stuck in this situation for quite a while, let's go through all this stuff one by one.

What hobbies and activities are you taking up to engage with other people who enjoy the same things as you?

I worked at my college department trying to finish my postgrad, which means I had CATASTROPHICALLY little money but was constantly surrounded by college-age people of both genders. I still hung out with my ex dorm buddies and their friends, but with no specific romantic success (by which I mean that I got rejected; not that I stood there and waited for a girlfriend to magically fall into my lap; after that I dropped out and enlisted). Currently I attend classes of my true passion which is drawing, but everyone except me there is either school age or pensioner. Not that I would care for dating anymore, as I'm no longer single. Just to demonstrate that it's far from a silver bullet.

Do you go to therapy or do you see it as a waste of time?

I see it as a waste of money, and it turns out most of my problems in life for almost its entirety boiled down to scarcity of money. So... going to a person who gets paid 5x as much as I do to ask how to fix my problems is kind-of a self-contradictory action.

Do you listen to what women have to say or do you deem their opinion less valuable?

False dichotomy.

Do you get involved with your local community to bring up male mental health issues?

I didn't have "local community"; I spent most of my young adulthood moving from one temporary residence to another.

What are your thoughts on being responsible for your own life choices? Do you accept the fact that playing the victim will not get you anywhere or is it just comfortable to be in this position?

When I observe a woman saying it, all I hear is "shut up". Because there's no way to treat it differently coming from a member of the sex that spent the last couple centuries blaming all their problems on institutional and systemic societal factors.

Incel_Nexus20 · 2024-03-20T18:07:01+00:00

Absolutely nothing. I believe a special someone is supposed to get you out of depression, not you getting out of it to get access to her, because what is she good for if she can't even help you when you need help?

What are the actions you are taking to change that? What hobbies and activities are you taking up to engage with other people who enjoy the same things as you?

Gaming. Singleplayer. I'm not obligated to deal with people or anything in general that isn't fun.

Do you go to therapy or do you see it as a waste of time?

Therapy literally cannot do anything unless it can magically spawn girlfriends and give you the spell to do it any time. Therapy tries to change you to be more attractive to girls, but that loses the very meaning of wanting a girl who likes you for who you are, so it loses the flavor of wanting a gf.

Do you listen to what women have to say or do you deem their opinion less valuable?

I tried to listen to them but not anymore. I don't like it when the experience they talk out of sounds like from a different planet. Men and women do indeed seem to be living in two different worlds and mindsets and POVs and 80% of each other's experiences are invisible to each other.

Do you get involved with your local community to bring up male mental health issues?

No such community.

What are your thoughts on being responsible for your own life choices?

100% agreed. But it does not mean constantly brushing off a help request from someone on the grounds that it's their problem not yours is a decent human thing to do. Just because I require a lending hand doesn't mean I Ctrl+X Ctrl+V my entire responsibility to that lending hand. People using the argument of "your problem your responsibility" to excusably refuse to help another human being is a vile thing to do and is no different from guilttripping and gaslighting. You aren't obligated to help, but you aren't entitled to shame them for requiring help.

Do you accept the fact that playing the victim will not get you anywhere or is it just comfortable to be in this position?

Exactly, that's why I stopped complaining and started coping.

I’m asking these questions because I find these same men complaining but blaming women, the government, society, aliens, the stars except taking responsibility and accountability for their own actions (or lack of), so, let’s take the blame away from everything else and focus on the ones complaining about the issue.

This is exactly why those men don't talk to anyone about this, because everyone takes it in an entirely different way like this. It's not blaming, it's asking for help, but since everyone refuses to help on the grounds of "stop blaming us" or "your life your problem" that's why such men get isolated from society. Them being alone is the symptoms of the entire thing from start to end. They wouldn't be alone anymore if they were alone at one point and wanted to get a gf and people just helped them instead of being dicks, but I understand. Current dating market got everyone greedy af now that it's competitive as hell, so much so that being upset about not getting a gf is regarded as getting upset that money doesn't rain from sky. It's insane how the modern society just absolutely turned girlfriends and boyfriends (mostly girlfriends) into a fucking market currency instead of just a concept that everyone deserves since being born, just like the love of a mother, but I know in 20 years yall are gonna start selling motherly love as a currency and "reward" that one needs to earn as well. Pathetic really, but that's the result of Western individualism, which is cancer. At least here in the Caucasus things aren't that bad. Given that I'm having trouble here, I wouldn't survive a single second in Western Europe or NA.

Anti_Thing · 2024-03-22T02:18:58+00:00

I'm actively looking for a wife. I'm better educated than most people. I recently finished my latest round of schooling & am actively looking for a job in my field. I regularly go to the gym. I go out of my way to socialize. Aside from going to church on Sunday, I'm involved with multiple Bible studies/regular Christian events. I don't currently have the money for therapy, & if I made enough money I'd probably be too busy with other things. I listen to what women say, though I tend to be skeptical of the opinions of middle-class urban/suburban white Western liberal women. What would getting involved with my "local community to bring up male mental health issues" look like, & why should I do it? I know that I'm responsible for my own life choices. I don't think I'm "playing the victim". I agree that having a victim mentality won't get me anywhere, & I'm not comfortable being in this situation.

I think that there's a lot wrong with women, the government, & society, though first & foremost I blame myself. To a large extent, my situation is outside of my control, though regardless of that I make every reasonable effort to improve things.

Legitimate_Type_1324 · 2024-03-18T07:06:51+00:00

None of these losers will take accountability for their actions or at least come clean and accept that they just don't want to put in the effort.

Yes the data is clear, yes the situation is fucked, yes you were given a shitty hand at life (a great hand compared to a starving child from a Calcutta slum). So what are you gonna do about it?

Consistent-Matter-59 · 2024-03-18T09:21:27+00:00

Men should hit the gym, lower their standards and smile more.

Instead they nag. smh.

KurlyKayla · 2024-03-18T06:33:22+00:00

"What are your thoughts on being responsible for your own life choices? "

Lol this is not the crowd that will ever give a substantial answer to this question, I appreciate your efforts here though

TRTGymBro · 2024-03-18T17:14:40+00:00

Well, so let's first define loneliness. In the medical literature it is referred to as "the distress one feels from the gap between the relationships one has and the relationships one believes they need to have."

In other words, the circumstances that can cause loneliness can be completely subjective. One can feel very lonely even if they are married, if they believe that they need to have a more exciting, beautiful, understanding partner. One can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel lonely because they don't have a boyfriend. One person can be alone and have a few friendships, but not feel lonely at all, because they don't believe their current relationships are lacking. And another person can have many relationships and still feel lonely because they believe they don't have the relationships that really matter.

Now, this is not to say that loneliness is completely a state of mind. Humans are social animals and we have an urge to get close to others and form relationships. But many times the people who want to be close to others, have the hardest time doing it for a multitude of reasons.

One of the most common reasons is simply self hate. They hate themselves and also find negativity in others. Many of the replies here can show you that lonely people tend to generally be hostile and bitter. That's not exactly endearing to potential friends and mates.

The other issue is one of motivation. You cannot really overcome an issue or handicap if you are not motivated to do something about it. Again look at the replies here. "It's not my fault, the juice isn't worth the squeeze, I tried once and it didn't turn out well, so I never spoke to another woman again, etc etc." or people who claim that their loneliness is caused by immovable phenomena like depression or anxiety, as if these are not extremely researched conditions wjth multitude of therapies available to combat them.

There is real resistance to doing anything that may actually alleviate loneliness. As much as lonely men want to meet women, they also fiercely resist the idea of socializing, expanding their interests, going out of their comfort zone, etc. On one hand, I get it. Their loneliness is an actual defense mechanism against the hurt of potential rejection, on the other hand, it seems like the pain of their loneliness is not motivating enough to get them to do something about it.

In my case? Yes, I was very lonely as a young man. I was anxious and depressed and on top of that loved to a new country where I didn't know any one. But I was motivated so I sought help with my depression, cured it, then I realized I was more horny than I was shy and anxious and went out to learn how to meet women. It took many trials and errors, but I succeeded. I wasn't interested in giving up. I guess most men are too weak to do what I did, not that I think I'm special.

Kandace180 · 2024-03-18T08:53:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DarayRaven · 2024-03-18T12:39:41+00:00

What are you doing to change this situation?

Nothing because there is no male loneliness epidemic

Title	To the men who complain about loneliness
Author	Kandace180
Upvotes	0
Comments	408
Date	March 18, 2024 5:22 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bhj65l/to_the_men_who_complain_about_loneliness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/to-the-men-who-complain-about-loneliness.1426267 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426267

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