What are the signs that a man is genuinely desired and not just settled for as the "safe guy"?

blebbyroo · 2026-01-17T22:06:23+00:00

There should be signs of attraction even without sex. Lots of smiling and laughing, getting closer physically, not shying away at casual touch or finding excuses to casually touch, enthusiastic on dates / setting dates, being into kissing etc.

Sex is far from the first signs of attraction and is way better when you’ve built up tension with the other signals listed above

Ronniebbb · 2026-01-17T22:22:37+00:00

So my husband and I waited to have sex for a while. I was a virgin when we met (I was 24 he was 27) and we waited about 6 months before having sex. There was a lot of reasons why, so I don't think sex is the biggest indicator based on person morals and religious beliefs.

But I think top things is how she interacts with you. Is she comfortable to be herself type of deal. Does she want to be with you a lot if not most of the time. Planning for the future. Random little things like a hug, a smile, random non sexual touching etc.

I think the signs can be hard to notice if you're expecting it to be like on TV shows, movies and video games, but they are there if you know your partner.

Ps: safety is a major bonus factor for relationships. We all want someone who makes us feel safe. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband so fast, he made me feel so safe with just how he was.

Werevulvi · 2026-01-17T22:43:32+00:00

Personally I have no issue with kissing and some sensual touching on the first date, if things go well and I'm attracted, but I know most women wouldn't do that either.

I think, from an outside perspective (since I'm not a man dating women, I can't have an inside perspective) I tend to think a woman is not really physically attracted to a guy if all she ever talks about him is his personality, sense of humor, etc, and makes zero mentions of how he looks, smells, his voice, etc.

And on the flipside I usually think a woman is physically attracted to her man if she does indeed talk about his appearance in a positive way. Not necessarily his genitals, but like it could be she's going on about his strong arms, how his smile makes her melt, or loving the sound of his voice, etc. I mean this is usually how women express physical attraction to a man, when talking with a friend about it. Kinda more subtle like that, with a focus on how a man's appearance or physical aspects makes them feel. I guess also if she's ranting on about how good her sex life is, that's also a big sign there's some definitive attraction going on there.

I dunno if that helps you at all though.

The way I usually express to a man that I'm attracted to him, even before sex, is complimenting his physical appearance, touching him, kissing, generally snuggling up, discussing what kinds of sex we'd like to do, or just flat out telling him that he's making me wet. I have some autism, I can be a bit blunt. I'm not good at sugar-coating so I usually just skip that part. I've never gotten the feeling that any guy I've dated has thought I wasn't into him. Because like, I'm just not that subtle about it. I think I learned from men how to show affection, so I might be acting in a similar way.

But again, that's just me. I think most women are way more subtle about it, and yes, even to the extent of being too subtle for their own good. Like they're unintentionally sending mixed signals, or just too weak signals.

Rule_Number_7 · 2026-01-17T23:39:16+00:00

I’m a “no sex until we’re committed to each other” type. (I know, such a pain.) It won’t matter how awesome I think a man is from the start. It won’t mean I’m not attracted to him; it just means I won’t go there until the future, should we make it to that point. I also won’t be staying with someone I’m not attracted to, no matter how good he sounds on paper.

That said, for myself, if I really like him during the first date and feel we both want a second date, I would happily kiss him on the first date. If I’m not feeling it, I won’t be doing that. Basically, if I’m open with physical affection of the non sexual kind, it’ll mean I like him, otherwise it should be pretty clear by my awkwardness that I’m not.

Altruistic_Look_7868 · 2026-01-18T05:24:11+00:00

I don't think it's really about the women you're seeing, but your insecurity. If you see yourself as being inferior to other men, then you'll always be worried about being settled for.

To answer your question directly, I don't see the logic behind a woman going out with a man she's not interested in, unless she's asking you to pay for everything and being unappreciative. I don't think most women have the time or energy to go out on dates and stringing along multiple men at once.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2026-01-17T23:38:04+00:00

She does backflips onto his dick within .05 seconds of learning his name

She never tells him no to any physical act ever. She is completely free use

Alternatively, she tells him all the things she hates doing sexually, and then does them for him anyway with a smile on her face

She doesn't filter him out for any reason and lets him break all her boundaries. If she's childfree, she'll have a football team of kids with him. If she's not religious, she'll convert for him. If she's a career woman, she'll be a doting submissive SAHM for him. If she's a vegan, she'll choke out a pig with her bare hands for him. If she's monogamous, she'll let him be community dick anyway and stay ever faithful

Immediate sex. Immediate sex. Immediate sex. IMMEDIATE SEX.

She has zero icks with him and will tongue his dank asshole even if he's just had a Taco Bell muckbang after running the Boston Marathon

Did I say immediate sex? That's actually not fast enough. What she needs to do is build a time machine and go back in time and then fuck him before they even met

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-01-18T06:06:29+00:00

One can't upkeep constant desire. Desire is like a spark - sudden intensity that calms down after a while. It doesn't go away, just slumbers till something happens that causes the spark again. So yeah, it's usually the small and subtle things that show that they gemuinelly enjoy your company. They remember stuff about you, do random small things that raises your mood (maybe they wake up earlyer just to make you breakfast, so that you could sleep a little longer after a tiring day), they seek out your company (similar to a cat that goes into a room where you are when you have changed rooms).

It's like happyness vs contentment. People tend to think that people aren't happy because they aren't showing the intense happyness. But people have that deep hapyness that is shown subtly. I think the "blindness" is partially caused by people consuming a lot of media which shows the intense stuff, while skipping the less intense stuff and thus they think that their life needs to be constant intensity.

AlmondMilkMaybe · 2026-01-17T23:52:01+00:00

This question is really strange to me because the "safe guy" is a genuinely desired guy. That is, I've been with the hot guy/bad boy archetype and genuinely desired him. And I've also been with the "safe guy" and genuinely desired him. Why would I, or most modern women, be with a guy that we don't desire (assuming we don't desperately need his money or something)?

"What's the sign that she likes him physically instead of just emotionally as a person (almost like the asexual nerd or gay BFF)."

The sign is that she's dating him. My personal theory is that women do/don't "withhold" sex mostly because of how that woman feels internally. So, it's not as tied to the guy as men might think. For example, when I was in my "Just enjoy sex. Who cares?" era, any guy I dated ("safe guy" or not) was getting the same energy. When I was in my "I want to vet for the long term" era, every guy I dated was getting the same energy, with bad boys being purposefully weeded out.

LillthOfBabylon · 2026-01-17T22:24:12+00:00

If a guy can't be happy with a woman who's happy with him and has sex with him, he doesn't want a relationship. He wants something to sooth his insecurities.

No_Teacher_3313 · 2026-01-17T22:09:21+00:00

One thing is her enthusiasm for having sex with him once they do. Does she initiate? Is she actively engaged?

Does she touch you a lot in general?

It’s so funny that men are so obsessed with being desired physically as the foremost priority, and women so much want to be chosen for their non physical characteristics.

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2026-01-17T22:10:25+00:00

I feel like it should be obvious if a woman is not enjoying being physically intimate with a man. If she’s not reciprocating and just lying there I’d guess she’s not physically attracted to him.

Demasii · 2026-01-18T02:30:56+00:00

Where do you draw the line where she's waiting to get to know him better vs putting out eventually out only to complete some "relationship tick box" or giving him good boy points after spoiling her and taking her out to multiple places.

You don't know her internal motivation and there can be different reasons why she would wait or not. She could have had bad experiences for putting out too soon. I found out a man I had sex with was a racist literally a week after I slept with him. I was pretty disappointed in myself.

She might struggle with boundaries or is insecure to seek validation through sex. Some women have sex with men without genuine desire.

Maybe she is very stressed out from work where she is not in the mood for sex and you happen to ask her out at the wrong time. I turned down men I would have otherwise been interested in if it wasn't for bad timing.

What actually matters is whether you enjoy spending time with her even without sex. If you’re questioning whether she is genuinely interested in you then stop seeing her.

How would you like things to end if it doesn't work out? A relationship that was full of fun/passion or cold/calculated and it still failed.

love_in_october · 2026-01-18T09:20:13+00:00

According to my husband, it's the way I look at him. Unfortunately there are no concrete rules or signals in human relationships most of the time, you need to read context cues. You can wait to sleep with someone you like a lot because you simply aren't comfortable yet no matter how much you're into them, and you can sleep with someone you don't care for in any way simply to get off.

lesliecarbone · 2026-01-18T00:24:43+00:00

If you have to ask ...

Blacktransjanny · 2026-01-18T03:20:04+00:00

He's broke

jorts-enthusiast · 2026-01-17T22:14:30+00:00

Sex on the first date is not a valid expectation, ever. Because sex is riskier for women than it is for men.

If a girl desires you, she will keep seeing you, express interest, look at you, touch you, and initiate sex when she’s ready.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-01-17T22:16:37+00:00

“I see many posts and comments from women insisting that making a guy wait for sex isn't an indicator that a woman isn't necessarily attracted to him. I can concede that sex on a first date may not happen for many reasons, including that she could want to know him a bit better or that she's not particularly horny that day. Even if sex wasn't directly involved, why not kissing or any form of physical intimacy?”

—-> Because she just met him 😐

“But how long is too long for instance for the wait? Where do you draw the line where she's waiting to get to know him better vs putting out eventually out only to complete some "relationship tick box" or giving him good boy points after spoiling her and taking her out to multiple places.”

—-> Isn’t this a personal choice? If you want to wait - then wait, if you don’t - dip out 🚪➡️

“From personal experience or even that from friends, families, peers etc What's the behavioural difference when a woman is with someone they physically desire vs a guy whom they just consider "safe"? What's the sign that she likes him physically instead of just only emotionally as a person (almost like the asexual nerd or gay BFF).”

—-> Newsflash, a man can be physically attractive AND safe 🙌🏽I have no idea why y’all always present this either/or scenario.

“What I mean by the safe guy is someone who may be financially stable, meets the criteria of being the nice guy, emotionally intelligent etc but isn't particularly attractive.”

—-> If he’s not attractive then he’s probably discounted early on.

mashedturnip · 2026-01-17T22:11:48+00:00

That’s up to you, because you’re the ones who care about physical desire more than anything else

Pro tip: women do not care about physical desire more than anything else

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ThatBitchA · 2026-01-18T00:58:08+00:00

Affection, bragging to friends, pride, future planning, commitment, loyalty.

DMmeClownPics · 2026-01-18T16:28:23+00:00

I personally will not shy away from having sex with a man on the first date even if I think he is relationship material. If I take things slower than that it’s because I’m following his cues. But anymore I’m less willing to wait a long time for things to happen physically because I have been in too many dead bedroom relationships. I need a partner with a pretty consistent high libido and someone who is as generous with me as I am with them. It’s just vanishingly difficult to find someone, male or female, who is like that but also wants a serious long term relationship. At least that has been my experience. I think I finally found my person and I’m crossing my fingers that it stays this way. If not I’m just gonna stay single.

pie-mart · 2026-01-18T23:41:25+00:00

If she waits it is probably because she actually likes you and wants to keep you around

We are afraid that coming off easy will make you not see us as wife material or see us as sluts

So, if we try and take it slow it means we actually want you for more than just sex. Because we want to get to know you as a person

For the guys I sleep with quickly I literally wouldn't date them seriously in 100 years

Only men I make wait are men I want as a long term partner

Flimsy_Software8105 · 2026-01-20T01:08:57+00:00

If I’m really into a guy, I text him back within a reasonable time frame (30 min to a few hours depending on how busy I am) and try to keep the conversation going. I don’t talk about other men around him unless he specifically asks about my past. I let him pay for me and don’t apologize or thank him like I do with my guy friends or guys who I see no future with. I don’t make the first move but if he does then I’ll reciprocate.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2026-01-18T06:36:43+00:00

Maybe physical intimacy? For me if we don't kiss on the first date I don't like him and there will be no second date.

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-17T22:51:39+00:00

You know, I would kiss most cats I've ever met and cuddling them in about a minute flat. Do you think every man I know should be upset about the fact that the moment I meet a cat I'm ready to take them to bed and do all manner of platonic physical intimacy with them? Should I tell my husband? Does he know it took him six months to get a smooch, but the stray ass cat I helped rehome got all kinds of snuggling and pets?

The reality is every connection is different and every woman has different levels of comfort and desire for physical intimacy and when. For me personally, a man who wants a kiss or holding hands even on a first date isn't for me. And sex is a hoot, he'd be lucky to get sex within the first year. That's me. I know women who give it all up in an hour, I know women who fuck and then go get dinner. Instead of competing with the stray cats I love or previous men I've been with, why not focus on being compatible with who I am exactly right now.

Wait as long as you feel comfortable waiting. Stop looking at her like she's a slot machine that should have paid out already. If you want to know does she desire you, ask. Use your big boy voice and ask. And if that feels uncomfortable, that's ok. Maybe you need to move on because she's not on your timeline.

The sign a woman desires you is that she's spending time with you and it's not a platonic energy. And then look at you and look at her. Is she acting like she's the gold digger on 90 day fiance? Is the only reason a woman would ever be interested in you money because you're boring and bland to look at? Does she need a green card? Most women, I mean the overwhelming majority absolutely will not just settle for a safe dude. This is a red pill nightmare relying on masochistic epistemology (whatever hurts is true). But do the math for a second, unless she's ugly or hideously overweight, she can find someone who she's attracted to and who would commit to her and is friendly. So it seems likely that's you because the number of women who couldn't is extremely low. Why? Because that's a man's problem, not a woman's problem.

Next-Character-2027 · 2026-01-18T04:53:33+00:00

She’s flirtatious and acts interested. She’s probably touchy, just not sexually. She’ll take a conversation to mildly sexual places, like a jokey innuendo or asking about your sexual experiences or preferences (code: she’s interested, she’s thinking about it, she’s dropping hints; but she’s still playing it safe until she knows you better). She follows through on plans and wants to make more plans with regularity. She texts back quickly. She talks about her goals for the future and wants to know yours, beyond career aspirations and lifestyle. She asks deep questions and genuinely wants to get to know you.

A woman looking to settle for a meal ticket will be distant, flakey, and dates will feel more like interviews about what you can provide.

There is no “ideal” timeframe for sex. That’s so dependent on the couple. Two happily promiscuous people? Whenever they both want is probably fine. People who don’t jump right into bed? Again, whenever they’re both comfortable.

It’s starting to feel like nobody can win. A man respects a woman’s boundaries and he’s deemed “too sweet.” He brings up sex too soon and he’s a creepy asshole. A woman who waits is just lying to reel in a provider that she’s settling for. But put out right away and she’s a ho not worth a relationship. Real life isn’t this black and white, nor is human sexuality - especially the female libido.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2026-01-18T08:11:58+00:00

Sex on the first date

Title	What are the signs that a man is genuinely desired and not just settled for as the "safe guy"?
Author	weenieandthebutt
Upvotes	49
Comments	296
Date	January 17, 2026 10:01 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qfq7g4/what_are_the_signs_that_a_man_is_genuinely/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-the-signs-that-a-man-is-genuinely-desired.1571377 https://theredarchive.com/post/1571377

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