Confused about how open and emotional guys are expected to be?

Perfect_Promise_943 · 2023-05-28T04:11:01+00:00

So my understanding is that they want you to be happy emotional. Show happiness, show love, show that you care. Show vulnerability with things that don’t make you look weak like your dad dying, etc. but do not ever cry about anything that isn’t big deal. They will hate that.

I hope I am wrong, but that is just my experience

Active-Razzmatazz-86 · 2023-05-28T04:16:39+00:00

Don't be vulnerable to women.Be vulnerable to your homies and families .If you are vulnerable to women they will bitch about emotional labor

Backas_Before_Work · 2023-05-28T04:25:56+00:00

Be however the fuck you want to be.

There is no they telling you to do shit. People will react differently to shit.

Crafty_Letter_1719 · 2023-05-28T10:08:42+00:00

When woman say they want a man “in touch with his emotions” or somebody that is “emotionally available” what they actually mean is they want a man that is in touch with HER emotions. Somebody that will comfort her when she is sad, give her a hug when she needs it, listen to and actually care about whatever she is going through-be it a death in the family or the cancellation of her favourite TV show.

The last thing she wants though is a man that is vulnerable and open about HIS own emotions. Nothing will make her vagina dry up quicker than an emotionally vulnerable man. As with most things related to sexual desire it’s a completely involuntary reaction rooted in evolution. Most woman probably mean what they say about desiring an “emotional man” until they actually see him cry and their lizard brain suddenly starts screaming “no way this pussy is protecting me and my future kids from lions on the Serengeti”.

There is a mental health epidemic for men unable to process and display emotion. The last thing a man should do is bottle up everything they are feeling. However the person they are in a romantic relationship with( however sad it sounds) is not the person to emotionally unload on. That’s what friends and family are for.

Old-Condition-119 · 2023-05-28T04:44:43+00:00

As much as you wanna be

Pathosgrim · 2023-05-28T04:26:53+00:00

Some women are gaslighting and virtual signaling that to make themselves look good. The moment a man expresses vulnerability, that man is at risk of being rid of. Either that or it's "don't truma dump me"/"You're expressing your vulnerability too much"

Ohyarlysmiles · 2023-05-28T10:43:38+00:00

I hate this mindset among men.

'what do I do to get x girl...'

the fuck?

It should be: 'how do i find the girls who are cool enough to hang with me/aren't idiots/are quality x i like --- who like me?'

Like, seriously. If even just one woman has ever fucked you, many many more will. They're just out there waiting for you to find them.

Stop worrying about how to convince 'maybe' or 'no' chicks to sleep with you. Just focus on finding the 'yes' chicks.

Hence --- be your fucking self. The second some chick gives you chop about it, BYE.

LiveWallaby233 · 2023-05-28T13:30:26+00:00

We don't live in a fairy tale guys. Girls aren't prepared to deal with men's problems, we are supposed to deal with our shit alone. If you want, talk to a really close friend or member of your family, but that's it.

Treacle-Flimsy · 2023-05-28T05:05:34+00:00

I think the sweet spot is showing that you're not a machine, but simultaneously not being a little bitch about your problems

Antisocialite99 · 2023-05-28T04:49:28+00:00

They're attracted to the kind of sensitivity that makes rhem think you'll be a good loving caring father and husband but not the kind thst makes them think you'll need things emotionally because that makes them feel like you're weak.

I think some smart ones with good role models in their childhoods can see these two things don't go together and understand they need to accept the latter if they want the former but many perhaps most aren't even aware of this contradiction, they just feel distaste or attraction and don't think too much about why.or.perhaps develope justifications involving the patriarchy or some such resentful narrative.

iT_I_Masta_Daco · 2023-05-28T10:39:42+00:00

It can be a turn off if your too vulnurable too quickly or too late.

You have to hit the sweetspot. You have to know when you have build certain rapport when you can show more deep stuff.

Outrageous-Wish4559 · 2023-05-28T14:31:36+00:00

You have to be less emotionally invested than them. You have to be a bit mysterious and show with your actions and not words. If you show you’re too emotionally available or too vulnerable, you will have many women running for the hills, especially the avoidant ones.

Updawg145 · 2023-05-28T04:50:42+00:00

Emotional in a way that makes you submissive and easy for a woman to control. Not emotional in a way that makes you a burden, or that allows you to express any of your own interests in any way (especially not anger, never show that emotion because it makes women afraid of you).

Like everything else: whatever makes you weak and easy to manipulate = good, everything else = bad. That's the only thing you need to understand to figure out everything to do with modern dating and modern society as a whole, for the average man.

SychoNot · 2023-05-28T13:56:00+00:00

Yep welcome to the impossible fine line of conformity you are expected to walk. Don’t be indecisive but also don’t be controlling. Be confident but don’t be arrogant. Be vulnerable but don’t be weak. Be strong and never show frustration. Etc etc etc. oh and the line can be redrawn at any point and if you fall off then we’ll too bad just dust yourself off and go in for more.

This is why older married men are stoic robots. Women cast an extremely rigid projection of what a man “should be” and society follows, unwittingly.

NiceRespectfulBeta · 2023-05-28T04:43:52+00:00

You can’t show any vulnerability at all to women. Women expect us to be unemotional robots because that’s more convenient for them if they don’t have to worry about how much their selfishness and narcissism hurts us.

Censoredpatriarchy · 2023-05-28T04:30:38+00:00

Performance for their entertainment, can't burden with actual problems lol

WoodStainedGlass · 2023-05-28T08:46:39+00:00

I’ve seen more than enough be post where a guy laments a common debacle. He’s in a relationship and the girl wants him to open up, and for the first time in his life he lets loose with all his fears, anxieties, and emotions. The girl gets either spooked, or turned off and he guy interprets this to be punishment for finally revealing his emotions.

I’d posit that this debacle has less to do with him revealing his emotions and more to do with a longer history of not regularly being expressing them whether with friends, family, or even a therapist.

A parter should not be the sole sounding board for your emotional content. The dumping of all one’s baggage on one person, especially in a single sitting, is a red flag no matter how decent that person is at their core.

MxMaster9907 · 2023-05-28T04:51:23+00:00

The fact that this has to be asked really concerns me.

Show whatever you’re feeling.

ohdiddly · 2023-05-28T04:37:12+00:00

It seems like a paradox where on one hand women are easily bored by guys who aren’t emotional and passionate enough, but are equally turned off by it?

No these are different women. I think you'll find that women with high emotional intelligence want men who are also emotionally intelligent.

AssOfTheSameOldMule · 2023-05-28T11:43:26+00:00

I don’t know if it’s just me, but every guy I’ve met who says he’s comfortable sharing emotions (or however they word it) is actually just a drama queen. I’ve seen guys describe their emotional openness as a positive, but then use it as an excuse to always be bitching and moaning about asinine stuff. Nobody likes a whiner.

Everybody has moments when they just need to unload, and that’s fine, but the intensity and duration should fit with what’s going on. And you shouldn’t be unloading about the same stuff forever if you won’t do what you can to fix it.

Like I knew a guy who convinced himself that one of his many moles must be cancer. He would talk about it for hours, brought it up virtually every day, he was probably clinically anxious/depressed about it. But he wouldn’t make a doctors appointment to get his moles checked. Just wouldn’t. (It wasn’t a financial issue, his insurance had free skin cancer screenings.)

After like a year I told him I didn’t want to hear about it anymore unless he was willing to make a doctors appointment.

Of course he accused me of being toxic and horrible for not letting him express his emotions. If you complain about something every day for a year and won’t lift a finger to address it, that’s not expressing your emotions. That’s just being a whiny little bitch. Sorry not sorry.

eefr · 2023-05-28T04:32:51+00:00

It seems like a paradox

This is quite a revealing comment, because it's only a paradox if you assume that women are a hivemind with zero independent thoughts.

The actual answer, of course, is that different women like different things, and you're never going to appeal to all of them at once.

Larry-Man · 2023-05-28T04:49:58+00:00

Maybe… just maybe… if more men were honest with women about their feelings they wouldn’t be so weird about it.

Also maybe, just maybe, if women act like you grew a third head if you share insecurities with her, then maybe she’s a shit person.

Some people are so whiny like dogs begging to table scraps. Accept respect and nothing less. If people don’t show that to you when you are your most vulnerable they are crappy people.

I made a conscious choice: be alone or be with someone who doesn’t do things that make me feel like shit and continue to do them when I tell them it makes me feel like shit. I’m much, much happier.

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-05-28T05:18:01+00:00

A lot of guys tend to interpret "emotionally vulnerable" as "you will be okay with whatever emotion I'm feeling about anything." In reality it just means being open and honest about how you're feeling. You are still expected to manage your feelings and be in control of your emotions. It also does not mean that the person you open up to becomes your de facto therapist.

razten-mizuten · 2023-05-28T08:07:38+00:00

Being able to say to a partner something like ‘I’m struggling with this’ or ‘I feel this way about such and such’ is wildly different from being an over emotional wreck though.

Different people express themselves differently and in turn respond to other people’s emotions differently. There isn’t one way of expressing yourself that is right. However it is also the case that having emotional breakdowns every five minutes isn’t exactly healthy either.

dynospectrum7 · 2023-05-28T04:28:34+00:00

Buddy. Never cry I’m front of your woman. If you open up, only share about something that happened and you overcame the misfortune you experienced.

Idc what this sub tells you, don’t grovel and wallow and be a soft ass in front of your girl.

Never.

AreOut · 2023-05-28T06:52:06+00:00

"Anything you say can and will be used against you."

throwaway164_3 · 2023-05-28T12:25:15+00:00

Just become more attractive and good looking (athletic, fit and muscular).

Women will give you way more leeway in personality/behavior.

Nothing improves your personality like lifting in the gym.

zabrak200 · 2023-05-28T14:24:10+00:00

Hey! man here, and its super simple. Women do want you to be open with your emotions.

However that does not mean be completely unhinged.

Being open with your emotions means calmly explaining what your feeling.

IT DOES NOT MEAN Raising your voice, or using violent body language.

Open about your emotions means that you are calm and understand yourself.

It doesn’t mean, say nothing until you explode with anger or sadness or whatever and then say women hate when I’m emotional.

FreedomEntertainment · 2023-05-28T09:58:58+00:00

You should not give AF, in the end if the person doesn't respect you if you are vulnerable, they are not even emotional mature themselves.
Play games is a child game, be transparent is being adult.

CountC0ckula · 2023-05-28T04:49:02+00:00

Being emotional (not over the top) is not a problem in itself, it's what you do after that determines her future attitude towards you.

gymbronyc718 · 2023-05-28T10:56:23+00:00

I think guys really misunderstand the whole vulnerability thing. Don't become a groveling nice guy doing emotional pukes all over your woman. It's as easy as that. If your gf told you that she used be a neurotic fatty who cut herself you probably wouldn't be too excited to date her either.

Diddy_1978 · 2023-05-28T12:38:39+00:00

People on this subreddit do not understand that women are not a hive mind. There is only one solution, and it’s be the best version of yourself you can be and don’t try to fake what you aren’t. If you want to be able to express yourself emotionally there’s plenty of women out there who appreciate this. You don’t have to be liked by ‘women’. You have to find the woman who likes you as you are.

Safinated · 2023-05-28T14:39:35+00:00

However much is worth it to them, of course

(I know, I know; ‘but I won’t get laid! Yeah, you won’t — by the wrong woman. Oh how tragic)

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classicslayer · 2023-05-28T06:44:19+00:00

You just have to frame things in a way that wont make you look weak.

Your_client_sucks_95 · 2023-05-28T07:18:47+00:00

How much you can show depends on the woman too. Most aren't into it but some care.

ReindeerKitchen872 · 2023-05-28T07:42:10+00:00

It depends how you show your emotions. There's proper ways of communicating them and ways that just lack any sort of emotional intelligence.

I can suffer with quite severe depression at times. I talk about how and why I feel what I feel and we try and work out a plan which means we can both support each other effectively throughout.

No one likes unpredictable people that just explode out of nowhere with poorly thought out reasons as to why they are upset.

Still if you have a partner who isn't willing to accept the fact your a human your with the wrong person. Why would you want to maintain a relationship in which you couldn't be open with each other?

anon018274031 · 2023-05-28T09:06:57+00:00

Don’t listen to the bullshit on here.

Do what is right for YOU. Because women are not all one person and you might as well find one compatible to you rather then some act you’ve put on (because that’s got to be exhausting).

Every man I’ve dated I’ve seen cry at least one. The man I’m currently dating cried when we were hanging out after about date 5. He’s human, he was feeling down, I’m not gonna hold that against him or see him as less of a man like some of these comments suggest. If anything it made me feel closer to him that he felt he could trust me enough to do that.

ingenjor · 2023-05-28T09:39:38+00:00

The dynamic can be totally different for couples at home compared to when you meet them in a group setting.

Reasonable_Letter495 · 2023-05-28T11:13:58+00:00

Great question. But there’s no general answer.

Only this advice: focus on her, not yourself.

Most people have generalised ideas about how it feels to be the opposite gender, but please dont oversimplify it. Anyone will appreciate not being looked at as just their gender

It’s all about knowing the person you’re talking to, and really listening instead of assuming. Some people like to talk about emotions a lot, some people dont.

Figuring out who likes what, could look like: 1.) asking a deep question 2.) asking how they are or 3.) gradually opening up about something difficult, to see the response. Most women will be happy to share all kinds of clues or say upfront what kind of person they are, if you know what to look and ask for. Being emotionally intelligent is always sexy, cause you know when to hold it back and when to give some of your vulnerability.

If you want a general answer though: hold back in the start and focus on asking questions that makes her open up a bit, then gradually show more of your vulnerability, and show her how you aren’t afraid to ask for help/invite her to share her feelings.

All this being said, being able to adapt parts of yourself to the person and situation is always great, but focusing on finding out what you like yourself, will make it easier to navigate instead of having to adapt yourself way too much, which is almost never sustainable. She definitely will know if you’re being fake.

jobbo321 · 2023-05-28T11:31:29+00:00

None, atleast not in the early part.

In the early part, women want a masculine man who has it all under control. She wants to be feminine and emotional.

As a man, try crying on a first date because one of your family members recently passed. Let me know how many second dates you get, my guess is zero.

begayallday · 2023-05-28T11:50:29+00:00

It’s completely possible to be open about your feelings without using your partner as a therapist. If you need a therapist, go to an actual therapist. Deep seated trauma that consistently effects your day to day life is not something your partner can fix for you. If you find yourself talking about the same things on a regular basis, and nothing ever gets better for you, then you need an actual therapist.

xTakki27 · 2023-05-28T12:22:01+00:00

Set your status quo as the T-800 and calculate the allowed level of emotional expression with every woman and act accordingly...

It's quite direct

purplish_possum · 2023-05-28T12:54:30+00:00

I thought women prefer emotionally charged interactions

Yes! The right combination of fear and lust drives women nuts.

Grand-Inspection2303 · 2023-05-28T14:28:19+00:00

Think about the story-arc of a traditional male protagonist in a movie. He's not a robot, but he shows his feelings in very subtle ways, those close to him have to work to get him to open up more, and even when he does he doesn't become a slobbering mess. Go to Netflix and watch "A man named Otto," for a great portrayal of this. While not all women are attracted to this model of masculinity, there are still a lot of people who prefer this version of masculinity over a heavily therapized obsessed with his feelings modern man. This is confusing for some men who uncritically believe whatever mainstream society tells them. They notice society telling the Ottos of the world that they're not emotionally healthy and that it's toxic masculinity, etc, so they assume the emotional guy is what women want. But money talks and when it comes time to create a male character that people actually want to pay to see, traditional masculinity still often wins out over the more modern emotionally "sophisticated" portrayals of masculinity.

_here_ok · 2023-05-28T16:08:34+00:00

It's quite simple, it's about expressing yourself in the moment.

If you see something funny but are unable to laugh then you just tell people it's funny. This also goes for negative emotions like sadness and anger. "Yo that dude over there makes me annoyed because he is being loud"

As long as you read a situation then you'll be fine. Like don't mention trauma unless you know someone is in a mood to listen to it or it's actually affecting you in the moment.

Ill-Menu5401 · 2023-05-28T17:25:39+00:00

Far as you alone are concerned, as much as you wanna be. Far as women's attraction to a certain man is concerned, women do not want the man to be emotional at all; in fact, he must be stoic. Albeit I will add this doesn't matter at all if he's not genetically attractive enough to begin with. Secondary things like behavior only matter once the man in question already meets the bare minimum genetic attractivenesss threshold.

Bureaucrap · 2023-05-28T17:50:53+00:00

Theres like, a ramp of emotional honesty to be followed. Never say your mental illnesses or any negatively on a first date for instance, youre trying to showcase your good side because thats what a potential gf/bf is buying in for. If you show negatively too soon before the positive, there's no reason to commit. They dont "know" your good side. Only the "bad", and yes the average person of either gender doesnt want to make their life harsher by taking on burdens. Theres more to this too, like it could have a "please save me" vibe that is unappealing too. As well thry dont actually know you yet, so they dont know "how" you handle your own burdens when you say them. So it can seem more black/white like youre being absolutely crushed/not able to handle your burdens.

You'd ideally reveal small bits of your whole person as time goes on. Little bids to see how they take it. And if then they drop you, thats on them and you cant be with someone like that anyways. They're immature.

And they do like passion FUN passion, HOBBIES passion, INTERESTS passion.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-05-28T19:06:18+00:00

A dude saying he sees a therapist is a giant green flag. He's saying I don't ignore my mental health and I find healthy ways to process my emotions.

If someone isn't okay with that? They suck and they're doing you a favor.

LotBuilder · 2023-05-28T21:04:51+00:00

Just don’t do it for real and give them the occasion hint of faux emotions. Any real emotion will be turned against you or spun into you hurting them.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-05-28T21:10:58+00:00

The more desire the woman initially has for you, the more you can get away with. That being said, it is a completely subjective and sliding scale.

KingWhoCared86 · 2023-05-28T22:33:53+00:00

I once opened up about my feelings of grief and self harm to my female cousin in the wake of my fathers death. She told me to get over myself and since then I haven’t shared my feelings with anyone since.

nicoleberry16 · 2023-05-28T23:30:35+00:00

my bf struggles with depression and when he shows vulnerability gosh it's honestly something really attractive to me idk it's hard to explain

BunnyFlopped · 2023-05-29T00:07:20+00:00

It will depend on the woman. You should ask the woman you are interested in specifically what she would like.

Since my girlfriend is a unique individual and I cannot generalize her I simply asked her what her comfort zone with extreme emotions would be. Based on that, we have been able to fully express ourselves and it was a good indicator of our compatibility.

If you match with someone who does not understand or like emotions to the extent you do you are not compatible with them.

nemma88 · 2023-05-29T08:36:08+00:00

Well my ex would seem to have the emotional range of a doorknob to others, came across as very stoic.

I'd seen him cry more times than any other man combined. His stoicism came from an inability to deal with emotions to the point they would bubble and explode out. It did effect our relationship - but mostly because we couldn't communicate because of it and after many years he never got to a place to seek help (and as far as I know never has).

So my only consideration on that is don't judge those books by their covers.

RedPill115 · 2023-05-29T09:20:01+00:00

What do you think women are actually doing?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DXb8qBUeAM

im just talking about causally mentioning how you see a therapist or that you’ve battled the blues or have adhd or something - not in a pitiful way but an honest and matter of fact way if the discussion is hovering over that territory. Unfortunately even this seems to be a turnoff on some deeper level for many women in my experience. More precisely you can almost see the flames of desire flicker out in their eyes as they come to think of you more as a friend or confident than a potential sexual partner.

Take your queue from how women act - don't tell them until after you're sleeping with them, or you've decided that you don't want to date them so it doesn't matter.

often I’ll meet women with partners who seem to have the emotional intelligence and expressiveness of a doorknob - whether or not this is deemed attractive my question is how the fuck do these guys actually connect with women if they’re so cold and emotionally stunted? I thought women prefer emotionally charged interactions so how is this approach working for guys?

Yeah, this has been my consistent experience as well. Specially in the midwest, having a personality seems to be some sort of liability or something.

missionarymechanic · 2023-05-29T12:33:16+00:00

The external benefits of emotional intelligence for a relationship are only realized if you can clear the attractiveness gate. Otherwise, the benefits are personal and, imo, still worthwhile.

You should probably take a second look at these couples you mention, though. Chances are that the women are about as equally as dense. Game recognizes game, and so does the lack of it.

"EQ" is not actually a handicap. Having it generally means you've spent time understanding and mastering your issues. Instead of crying as a response to something that hits your vulnerabilities, you evenly lay down the law that "this behavior will not be tolerated." If having your emotional poop in a group sends her packing... what did you lose?

Now... being emotional and being overcome by your emotions... that's not really attractive. If anything, you're expected to be more resilient and put together. To give a window to the instinctual side of it, a discussion with one ex described the few times of seeing her dad cry: "I thought the world was ending..."

It's not to say you're never allowed to have and express emotions or to cry, but you should be collected enough that it tends towards the extremes: a child is born, a loved one dies, there's a terrible tragedy, etc. If you cry because someone said something that hurt, rest assured, that's coming out during a fight/break up.

Yourstruly777 · 2023-05-29T14:15:38+00:00

Here is the sweet spot: you don't care about how others perceive you.

You own everything about yourself. If you want to cry, you own it. If you think crying is shit, you own that. Somehow adapting to others is what you need to avoid. Assume control.

screechingfeminazi · 2023-05-29T17:13:22+00:00

this varies a lot from person to person.

I'm autistic and hate any kind of emotional display, honestly. It's not that I don't care, it's just overwhelming and I have no idea what to do about it. I'll stay up all night listening to you talk on a work night if that's what you need, but please please please don't cry.

Again, not saying this is normal, just an answer to your question from one person. I know it's a cliche but women really aren't a monolith.

TheGreatBeefSupreme · 2023-05-31T10:14:28+00:00

The first time you shed a tear in front of your girlfriend or wife and watch her face contort in disgust, you learn quickly to be more circumspect about how you express emotion.

I actually disagree with modern zeitgeist surrounding emotional repression. I think it’s completely natural and healthy to repress emotion. Shoving your feelings down and moving on has been the prescribed remedy to emotional turbulence for thousands of years.

Title	Confused about how open and emotional guys are expected to be?
Author	StaticNocturne
Upvotes	52
Comments	190
Date	May 28, 2023 4:09 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13tqzne/confused_about_how_open_and_emotional_guys_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/confused-about-how-open-and-emotional-guys-are.1220533 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220533

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