"social skills" = superficially charming

Jasontheperson · 2024-10-17T18:41:33+00:00

Sorry but this is copium for awkward people.

IronDBZ · 2024-10-17T19:53:16+00:00

I think it goes beyond just being superficially charming, it's also about knowing when to let down the mask or when to know to never take it off at any point, it's about social stamina (how long can you be on for) it's about knowing your limits and your strengths, how to not make a fool of yourself and how to take back control of situation if you do.

It's about knowing how to steer conversations into topics you can afford to speak your mind on or which are likely to branch off into mutual interests. It's sharing time to talk, it's knowing when people are listening and interested.

And so on.

There's more to making the sauce than just how you stir the pot.

You can have actual social skills - i.e. being able to get along with people on a daily basis, uplifting them, navigate differences of opinion, high EQ,

Being conciliatory or empathetic is not "real social skills" any more than the other stuff is. It's definitely part of it, but it's not a distinct thing.

The sad thing in life is that there are certain things which are necessary for a good and healthy life that don't necessarily give immediate results. Emotional intelligence can help you a lot with some people, with others it can create setbacks, but it's still as important as the shallow stuff is.

damaggdgoods · 2024-10-17T23:22:15+00:00

You can have actual social skills - i.e. being able to get along with people on a daily basis, uplifting them, navigate differences of opinion, high EQ, etc. - and not be able to come across as socially graceful when first meeting someone

OP you might need to clear the record. Everyone think you’re saying social skills aren’t valuable. I know that’s not what you’re saying but folks are misinterpreting

Delusical · 2024-10-18T01:58:00+00:00

Also includes maintaining and building long-term relationships but it's not as fun to talk about as short-term skills.

EugeneCezanne · 2024-10-17T18:30:32+00:00

People love calling it "social skills" because it makes it sound like the man is lacking some important quality

It is an important quality.

You call it superficial, but so is a pretty face or nice body. The superficial is, like it or not, extremely valuable.

You can have actual social skills - i.e. being able to get along with people on a daily basis, uplifting them, navigate differences of opinion, high EQ, etc

Those are ALSO social skills, sure. "Social skills" is a vague and broad term. But there's nothing about this subset that makes it any more "actual" than the other thing.

EulenWatcher · 2024-10-17T18:40:51+00:00

Social skills and being able to flirt aren't the same things, but the second can't exist without the first. Some people struggle with social skills overall, so they have problems with connecting with others or keeping bonds even in a platonic way, while some struggle specifically with flirting which makes it harder for them to date.

RycerzKwarcowy · 2024-10-18T11:41:57+00:00

Yeah, I always smirked when people use "high social skills" to describe someone who's life of a party, but not someone who you can have meaningful conversation with while sitting in corner. And how those of high social skills only use them to identify those on the same level to interact, constantly taking someone's awkwardness or shyness as silent rejection. In my book that doesn't count as "social skills" but I'm in minority.

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2024-10-17T18:17:24+00:00

Maybe some people mean it that way, sure. When I say "social skills" though, I mean basically what you mean. I've unfortunately met a number of men that struggle with, for example, making eye contact with a waiter while ordering food, or needing their parent to come with them while they renew their driver's license.

I don't necessarily need someone to be able to charm a whole room (that might even be a turn off because I don't like attention being drawn to me), but like, a basic level of social competence to show that he's a functional adult is a standard I have. I think men should hold women to that standard, too!

krackedy · 2024-10-17T18:34:17+00:00

Plenty of guys lack actual social skills. They can't read the room, can't interpret body language or tone, can't keep a conversation going and can't start a conversation without coming off as awkward. The most important thing is being able to tell when someone is uncomfortable or not enjoying the conversation.

The ones who aren't awkward are still often shy which can make things difficult.

Redpill-mind · 2024-10-17T18:22:05+00:00

What on earth are you talking about

People love calling it "social skills" because it makes it sound like the man is lacking some important quality

I mean it is since social status is the important quality a man can have in dating

GrandpaDallas · 2024-10-17T19:12:51+00:00

You can have actual social skills - i.e. being able to get along with people on a daily basis, uplifting them, navigate differences of opinion, high EQ, etc. - and not be able to come across as socially graceful when first meeting someone.

Can you clarify what you mean here? What sort of person is this way but isn't necessarily socially graceful?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-10-17T19:42:28+00:00

Ngl, this kinda comes off as not really understanding what social skills are or how they allow most people to interacts and get along with one another.

Slyfer_Seven · 2024-10-17T21:10:59+00:00

You can try and downplay it as much as you want and throw superficial in there (like being uplifting and agreeable can't be superficial), but that doesn't change the fact charm is a skill and a dude IS lacking something important (in the context of this place) if they aren't charming...

Gilmoregirlin · 2024-10-17T19:23:51+00:00

Social skills are necessary for life not just dating. If you struggle with social skills in dating you struggle with social skills in general. You don’t have to be charming to have social skills.

In older generations for the most part people developed social skills out of necessity. And rarely if at all did you see individuals that lacked in them the way that the younger generations do. That’s not to say that some people were not better at them than others but most people still had them. Sort of like driving a stick or using a typewriter. But the good news is that one can always improve their social skills the first step being of course to leave your house and talk to people.

modidlee · 2024-10-17T18:28:37+00:00

If “social skills” is just some superficial thing then shouldn’t it be easy for everyone who wants to be seen as “charming” to have these skills?

Fair-Bus-4017 · 2024-10-17T18:13:05+00:00

This entire post reads as a kid trying to pad out their paper.

Wattehfok · 2024-10-17T20:11:03+00:00

You’re just describing two different sets of social skills dude.

“Social skills” are context-dependent.

If we’re talking about social skills in the context of meeting women, it’s pretty fucken obvious what we’re talking about.

Jazzlike_Function788 · 2024-10-17T21:44:55+00:00

Charm is a social skill.

I know people talk about it like they mean basic social skills, but that's because they are trying to insult you, not because that's what they actually think.

EsotericRonin · 2024-10-18T00:52:46+00:00

No you can't. And being charismatic is a skill. This post comes across as autistic IMO.

MC-Purp · 2024-10-18T00:57:06+00:00

You just split social skills in different categories and shit on the ones you don’t have. All your examples + charm is the whole skill set. You seem mad that you’re not getting credit for partial answers.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-10-18T07:46:14+00:00

Social skills is a thing that allows you to communicate with others without them running away from you. It's pure utilitarian.

Babyface_Bogart · 2024-10-18T12:58:58+00:00

women care about the sales pitch more than anything else.

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-10-18T13:26:00+00:00

Social skills aren't just being 'superfically charming' - it's:

Being comfortable in your own skin. People who are awkward tend to be awkward even one on one.
Being comfortable speaking publicly. Implies a fearless and a confidence that might extend to oher aspects of life. Implies not being afraid to stand up for what's right, for your woman, for your child (such as in a PTA meeting or a school board meeting)
Being comfortable meeting new people. Life requires us to meet and interact with new people while being socially aware, with huge ramifications for those interactions, such as:
- Earning potential, if someone is good at leading meetings or teams in a work setting, or job interviews.
- Cost savings, such as if someone is good at negotiating, such as when buying a car
- Competence assessment, such as if someone is good at sussing out contractors or mechanics to perform needed repairs - to identify and avoid hacks. Also, hiring new employees.
Sense of humor is a simple desirable trait and makes day to life easier.

All of these are inherently desirable qualities in a mate with outward benefits beyond personality type.

Updawg145 · 2024-10-17T18:37:40+00:00

Even “actual” social skills are largely a product of superficiality because the halo effect does some extremely heavy lifting and creates a feedback loop where attractive people are constantly validated in everything they say and do which leads to them feeling calm and confident which then leads to more pro social and “charming” behaviour.

Most people just don’t want to admit they live in a world where like 90% of your outcomes are determined purely by luck.

PracticalControl2179 · 2024-10-17T19:28:14+00:00

Well duh being able to be superficially charming is a social skill. Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them. Being manipulative and saying “nice hat, let’s make some small talk” are different things. I say this as someone who struggles and is shy myself.

MongoBobalossus · 2024-10-17T19:30:51+00:00

Knowing how to talk to people and read the room is an essential part of being a functional human.

Obviously, if you say weird shit and talk in a robotic monotone, yeah, you’re not going to come off as “superficially charming.”

southwestheat · 2024-10-17T21:10:21+00:00

I agree with OP.

There are actual social skills that allow you to get along with people, find harmony, etc. These aren't rocket science.

Then there are "social skills". This is the dating version of social skills.

"Social skills" = calculated, rehearsed act. Not being who you really are, but instead, being a chameleon hoping for someone else's approval.

Women like this though. They like when a man puts on a show for them. It's submissive and flattering. It's good for her ego.

Imagine a toddler that needs to be babysat. You and someone else are tasked with this. You try to just talk to the toddler, which is ok to the toddler. But wait! Who's that?! The other person starts dangling a ring of keys in front of the toddler and makes funny noises. The toddler loves it!

The toddler is going to continue giving their attention to the one jingling the ring of car keys, just like the single woman at the bar is going to give her attention to the guy putting on the rehearsed act.

alebruto · 2024-10-17T18:20:07+00:00

If you have social skills but don't have the right skin, you will be merely friend material when you are young, and husband material when you are older. If you have the right skin, you don't need any social skills, and people will accept you as socially skilled anyway.

catdog8020 · 2024-10-17T19:26:58+00:00

No doubt! It’s very very very obvious dating nowadays is about physical attraction for a woman and not social skills (chads don’t have good social skills and they can get laid anytime) The red pill aka players of the past (the pick up artists in the book called the game) were average men that could use game and social skills to enhance their attractiveness. Fast forward to 2024 and dating for the average man in America consists of woman serial dating looking for the best looking guy, ghosting and blocking men because woman are afraid of men or get the ick (this happened in the past with woman but woman didn’t have the option or choices from 100 men orbiting around them on social media and in person). Back then, let’s say the 1990s, woman only had at best maybe 2-3 choices of men so the icks and high standards for men short height, less than 6 figures, average body were more accepted. Nowadays (think about it men) women act like how men dated in the 1960s-1990s. Back then, men had a 25-50% chance of securing a girlfriend once a woman gave him her number. Nowadays, (behind the scene, a woman gives the guy her phone number because she doesn’t want to be rude but she may like him) then she goes home and assesses her options. Her options consist of a multitude of men at work, at the gym, at the bar, on dating apps, at the grocery store, speed dating and other dating events, at the dog park lol, Home Depot, etc. Sooooo, she looks at your phone number and name and all of sudden she gets the ick because a better looking man just beat you. She then ghosts you and blocks your number. lol 😂 . American men need to be aware that these scenarios are going on a lot. Woman will never admit doing this but many do.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-10-17T22:31:12+00:00

Social and conversation skills will help you with smart girls, they generally need a higher iq clever guy to stimulate them.

If you want to be dumb, talk like kinda of an idiot, not great socially, and be attractive, there’s just as many if not more dumb cute girls that won’t know much of a difference, and he will connect easier with.

I actually think this is a smart good socially regular guy issue, they are attracted to dumb hot bimbos they don’t know how to talk to.

attendquoi · 2024-10-17T18:22:00+00:00

being able to get along with people on a daily basis, uplifting them, navigate differences of opinion, high EQ

Okay, but can you form meaningful relationships with other people? What you listed just sounds like the basics for getting along with co-workers and the general public lol

IthrowAwayYourAdvice · 2024-10-18T13:34:18+00:00

And charm = height + face + income

purplish_possum · 2024-10-17T19:34:54+00:00

James Bond is sexier than any number of Tom Hanks characters.

KamuiObito · 2024-10-18T11:58:03+00:00

Yeah women are super duper easily influenced or convinced…most “game” is just peer pressuring..they like being told what to do essentially.

Fuzzy_Ad9763 · 2024-10-18T12:05:33+00:00

This is a superficial understanding of human behavior.

Comms · 2024-10-18T20:45:27+00:00

Social skills is a euphemism for being superficially charming.

So, you're not using euphemism incorrectly. "Euphemism" means an indirect word for something else. "Game" is a euphemism for "being charming". "Social skills" is a very plain and direct idea and not a euphemism.

Secondly, "social skills" are not "superficial charm". Social skills is a very broad term that can describe a whole range of behaviors and skills when it comes to social interaction between individuals including: ability to make small talk, verbal and non-verbal communication, emotional intelligence, social awareness, and theory of mind.

"Social skills" is a top-level term that is very broad and can encompass many ideas.

If you want a euphemism for "superficially charming" then the word you're looking for is "game", as one example. I think "rizz" is another but I'm too old to know if I'm using that term properly.

StupidSexySisyphus · 2024-10-19T01:14:39+00:00

What? Dude, I'm introverted as fuck, but even I can say hello to someone and ask them how their week was for 2 minutes. Nobody expects you to be a social debutant hosting a tea party for the queen of england.

NumTemJeito · 2024-10-19T05:17:03+00:00

Social skills also include reading the room and reading the hints the woman drops. Both things very difficult without social skills.

Remember in school there was always one kid who took it too far? Don't be that guy

nnuunn · 2024-10-19T18:42:59+00:00

I agree that "social skills" generally mean "charm" and that it's wrong to shame men for not possessing it as if it means they're bad people deep down, however, I do disagree that charm is "superficial nothing." Women select for charm for the same reason they select for men who are big and strong, men who have money, or men who have high social status. Charm, as well as some aspects of looks, money, and status mean power, a man who is charming has social power over others, and women like men who are powerful. It's really not that complicated.

whatever8482 · 2024-10-20T00:46:22+00:00

Women really have no social skills beyond being nice and smiley, and just being women gives them this charm that causes everybody to be pretty nice and open to them socially. Women might appear to have better social skills than the average guy because what looks like good social skills for a woman is extremely easy. There is no action, it’s all reactive, there is no need for confidence, because nobody expects you to speak up or make the first move. You don’t need to know confrontation, argumentation, initiation, being interesting, displaying yourself in any way, etc. somebody’s going to respond “women do need to do all those things!” Yes but in a very limited way. All women have to do is get over their insecurity and have basic manners and be able to respond to people normally in a conversation. My sisters have a personality exactly like me and for them it just works for no reason. They are not “good” at real socialization.

IdiAminD · 2024-10-17T18:37:46+00:00

Social skills are broad term - not every flavor of social skills fits everywhere. Some women fall for gentlemen, some prefer rednecks, you can be considered cool guy in one place and complete pussy in another. Problem starts when you do not fit anywhere.

Definitions of social skills given by women here are pure trash, you can disregard them.

Bloody_Mandrake · 2024-10-17T23:50:35+00:00

If you're not THAT good looking, the most important skill that will get you laid is being able to read people. Specially women.

I've met lots of dudes who were clueless to women signals and did not understood where was the right time to make a move, or were just too slow to take their chance.

Not too long ago I was at a party with a bunch of friends and a girl comes and sit next to me and start singing the song that was playing, something about love and "when I see you I wanna make out with you" and what not. I look at her and she leans closer and smiles, like, that's the most stright forward a girl gets right?

I look at the dudes looking for a joke, and all of them are staring at me with faces like "dawg, she's so annoying, what does she want???"

Only ONE DUDE out of 7 said "yeah, go for it bro, she's hot". The others said I shouldn't because she was "too hot" and just fishing for attention.

Two hours later I'm leaving with her and these mdfks are asking me how did I know she liked me, why am I so lucky with girls, what did I say to her.

Bro, the girl did alll the heavy lifting, I did nothing.

I tell them her signals were written on the wall, and they say

"What signals? She was just singing, bro admit you are just lucky"

No, I read people, women included.

Artistic_Bumblebee17 · 2024-10-17T18:37:29+00:00

Social skills are when you can appease to their ego. They will insult you if you make them feel off.

KGmagic52 · 2024-10-17T19:13:19+00:00

That's part of it. Being able to psychically figure out a woman's mood and anticipating when she'll change her mind fall under social skills too. That's why men have such a hard time developing "social skills".

8won6 · 2024-10-17T20:44:12+00:00

"social skills" don't really exist. Most of the time people treat you better or worse depending on how good-looking you are. Even with platonic context. Attractive men are usually describe as having all the good social qualities without having to do anything, while men that aren't as attractive have to actually prove it.

some people like the concept of "social skills" because everybody wants to feel like they're actually doing something that they worked on or created. It's not impressive to say "people talk to me because i'm hot". Just ask any attractive person what's a good way to approach someone and they'll give you some goofy "just walk up and say hi" advice like their dropping hardcore game.

sanslumiere · 2024-10-17T19:38:20+00:00

I'd contend that making friends/knowing how to get along with colleagues and knowing how to flirt are two different skill sets, but all fall under the scope of "social skills."

BigZaddyZ3 · 2024-10-17T19:58:20+00:00

I think his point was that these traits you’re desperately trying to convince yourself are “superficial” actually do require a lot of social skill in reality. That’s why not everyone is good at being charming or charismatic. And that’s why those traits are attractive to begin with.

It’s a cope to say that being charming doesn’t require actual social skills. Even the things that you listed as “real” social skills are all required in order for someone to come off as “charming” ironically.

ThatBitchA · 2024-10-17T18:44:17+00:00

No, we mean they lack actual social skills.

Meaning they wouldn't even be hired for a job that is mostly social skills like customer service, cashiers, servers, etc.

They lack social skills. Peridot.

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Flightlessbirbz · 2024-10-17T20:48:13+00:00

Then learn to be more superficially charming. That’s not all there is to social skills, but a component, and certainly does not hurt anything if you aren’t just superficially charming. Superficial things matter to everyone, since that’s all we can see of a person before getting to know them, like it or not. It’s similar to looks in that way. Complaining about it will not help you, practice will.

SmokeySunDrops · 2024-10-17T18:31:24+00:00

You don't need the word superficially

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2024-10-17T19:43:05+00:00

its as if superficial people have just realized that the people they are dating are also superficial

critical-drinking · 2024-10-18T01:25:07+00:00

Your second paragraph seems superficially contradictory to your original assertion.

Am I correct in gathering that you beleive in the existence of genuine skill in social navigation and communication, but object to the common use of the term “social skills” as referring to mere charm? In other words, you believe in the craftsmanship, but are irritated that people keep calling “craftsmanship” what should be called “curb appeal”?

MasterQNA · 2024-10-18T03:35:23+00:00

You can say that about any human qualities. We have "nice guys" who act superficially nice for ulterior motives, as opposed to genuine good guys who really care about and respect other people.

Imsomniland · 2024-10-18T04:38:21+00:00

Social skills is a euphemism for being superficially charming.

OP just making up his own version of facts and asking yeah, why AREN'T we all living according to his own made up rules.

People love calling it "social skills" because it makes it sound like the man is lacking some important quality and is also a stupid piece of shit.

Invariably people with poor social skills often find themselves either resenting people who DO have social skills, devaluing the importance of social skills or straight up redefining it in a manner that suits their skill level. You seem to be trying to do all three! Well done.

Title	"social skills" = superficially charming
Author	his_purple_majesty
Upvotes	159
Comments	242
Date	October 17, 2024 6:08 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1g5xb6l/social_skills_superficially_charming/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/social-skills-superficially-charming.1533101 https://theredarchive.com/post/1533101

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