I've heard people say that men's lack of success on dating apps doesn't occur in real life. I don't believe that

thekickeroffish · 2026-01-20T07:12:40+00:00

I've done speed dating and singles events and the dating apps are basically played in real life there

There's a small handful of guys who the women all want, and a few women who pick 1 of the remaining guys.

When the women are not made to talk to the regular men by the rules they don't. It's very disheartening and it honestly feels like 20% of a top man's attention is worth more than 100% of a regular bloke's.

criminalgatcher · 2026-01-20T09:59:09+00:00

After months of no matches I simply changed my height to 6'3 and I got 8 matches in 2 days, not a lot compared to women but still. Useless matches made for an experiment, null under false pretense.

BradenAnderson · 2026-01-20T13:36:39+00:00

Dating apps reflect reality. I genuinely don’t understand why some people don’t/can’t see this. Men outnumbering women on dating apps is similar to how women in real life automatically reject men they consider beneath them. Prior to dating apps, women couldn’t just “erase” the men they considered beneath them. They had to at least acknowledge their existence when turning them down. But since dating apps, women can pretend that no man is interested in them or worthy of their time. And make themselves or men invisible, depending on the male’s attractiveness

coochie4sale · 2026-01-20T06:18:50+00:00

I'm close friends with some women, and a common topic of discussion is our dating lives. Firstly, a lot of women are simply not very extroverted. You won't catch these women at the club, or partying, and they mostly just hang out within existing friends. "Meeting new people" is a skill, and like all skills, there is a bell curve in terms of ability. Some women go out every weekend, are on a billion dating apps, ask for introductions, but most women don't do all these, and some don't do any of these at all. Even if you meet people, there is a lot of steps you have to go through to actually get to a relationship. Attention helps with the top of the funnel certainly though. Sometimes mental illness bungles it. Sometimes it's just plain-ole inexperience.

I'll give an examples using 3 of my friends. My friend has had 3 suitors (that I know of!) in the last year or so. Physically, she is slim and works out regularly. She was approached at an academic conference, they started dating, and things progressed physically, but the guy never committed, leading her to break it off. She met another guy who cold approached her sometime in the summer, and from her description, was very polite, but inexperienced and struggled to progress the relationship behind surface level talk. She decided to hop on Hinge. Met her boyfriend, her first boyfriend ever, recently on there, and things seem to be going good. Guy is 5'7 and intelligent, studied at a top university, and is aiming to be a lawyer. He definitely isn't "very attractive" either. My other friend has a much more colorful dating history, but has slowed down massively in recent years. She is pursuing her Ph.D, and is more curvaceous than my other friend. She has met all her suitors in person. In the last year or so, it's been 1 person. She met him doing group work on a project, but then broke it off because he lived a lifestyle which he was dishonest about and did not like. The last person is probably the most interesting case in the sense that I argue it actually is partially self-inflicted. She has several thousand followers on instagram, due to her busty figure, with men adoring her all in her comments, but I believe that she is also mentally ill. She has massive self-image issues due to bullying when she was younger. She's a "femcel" for lack of a better term, has never had a boyfriend, and believes she is extremely ugly. In fact, in the short time I knew her, I was already preparing to distance myself away from her because her energy was just..dark. Everything came back to how ugly she was. The thousands of likes mean't nothing to her. She already mapped out what surgeries she wanted.

Non of my friends have dating lives that I would switch with. Non of these women were meeting men from all over, with the exception of perhaps the last one. All 3 were young, attractive young women who struggled somewhat, whether it be mental illness, dishonest suitors, or just lack of meeting new people. Funnily enough, it sounds like the issues men commonly cite as reasons for lack of success. Maybe it's not men vs women. I think finding connection is just difficult in any circumstance. All the more reason to cherish it.

antariusz · 2026-01-20T07:11:02+00:00

It's not women. It's literally just one singular monopolistic company that claims to be a dating company, but has financial incentive to keep people single. Online dating / dating apps were better 10 years ago. And women (biologically) haven't changed in 10 years. When OKcupid and PoF and Tinder, and Meetme and even later when Hinge first came out, they were actually competing for users and trying to do their best to be successful.

One company has owned ALL of those websites since 2020. That is why dating is aweful, it's one... singular... monopolistic company, that doesn't want you to be successful.

Spiritual_Run9039 · 2026-01-20T05:21:06+00:00

Women said to "Go outside", but do they even know how the outside world and dating have been treating men?

Pristine-Object241 · 2026-01-20T04:43:53+00:00

I agree with you if we are talking about men who are 23+. If you're 18-22, your best chance of success is to hookup with girls you know directly from uni or at a uni party.

Zabadoodude · 2026-01-20T05:53:07+00:00

I wouldn't say it doesn't occur in real life, but It's a lot easier for some guys. The problem with the apps is that there are way more men on there than women, and you have to try and get her interest only through photos and text, which is a skill all on it's own.

That would be like if you went to a party where it was 80% guys. It would be a bad place to pick up chicks. IRL you can get in situations where you can chat with a girl 1 on 1 for a few minutes without interruption. You can also get at girls that arent on the apps, and not addicted to the constant male attention the apps give them.

Zabadoodude · 2026-01-20T06:03:37+00:00

If you're getting tons of initial interest, but they all ghost then you are definitely doing something off putting. You said it was "the most innocuous conversations you can imagine" that might be the problem. You have to try to be interesting, flirt and escalate. Risking being a little offensive or weird is always better than being boring. That is a sin almost as bad as being ugly.

Worth_Meringue_2464 · 2026-01-21T05:12:26+00:00

If a woman goes on an app she will swipe left on 95/100 men. Out of that 5, 3 will reject her. She will then have 2 matches and complain there are no men.

Meanwhile the man will swipe 1000 times. 550 right swipes. And 1% of those swipes will match. And 90% of the time will ghost, be fake and so on.

Men right swipe on 55% of the women, while women 5%. And men still get LESS matches to the point it might as well be Zero.

If women approached a man she has a 80% success rate. And the man has a 2% chance. So, women refusing to approach forces men to be rejected a levels MUCH higher. And because women refuse to not be with anything less than a lotto ticket creates her own problem.

Can you imagine walking into a Walmart with a pocket full of infinite money and not finding a "Real food"?
Yet the man starving in the desert is blamed for his inability to find a single grain of rice? And somehow these are measured as the same?

If we replaced genders with Race. Women would be outraged about white supremacy . But because its gender and it benefits herself they all play stupid and pretend the problem doesnt exist. All while claiming to be more empathetic and caring of the genders.

An overweight woman who is a 2/10 will have more choice than a 9/10 man. You literally need to be celebrity status as a man to compete with an overweight basic woman.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2026-01-20T05:03:48+00:00

Apps are a playground with no consequences. You’ll learn what someone who is “easy” for you is like over time, and the limits of who’s highly attracted to you. That’s basically the only requirement for a guy: you need to be able to recognize attraction, and have some tactful, consistent, linear way to capitalize on it if you’re interested. Basically, go on like 5 first dates and make out with some random people, and you’ll be better able to not fumble someone who’s actually “great” later

DisastrousAttitude · 2026-01-20T05:08:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

wtknight · 2026-01-20T13:01:50+00:00

It doesn’t happen as much because average Becky can already see that attractive Chad is occupied with trying to attract attractive Stacy. Thus, she realizes that she has to try seeing if things work with average Brad instead.

On the other hand, on dating apps, Chad can swipe on Becky and she can think that he’s actually interested in her even though he’s just using her for easy sex while he tries to attract attractive Stacy.

Thus, average men do not struggle as much, especially since the gender skew in dating apps likely exists in the first place because average women are disgusted with fuckboy tactics on those apps.

Capital-Donkey-2576 · 2026-01-21T04:28:18+00:00

Ya, shits hard. But these fucking women don't understand and they never will.

Limp-Kaleidoscope157 · 2026-01-20T04:31:31+00:00

Sometimes I wonder how women have all those options but are still single. Analysis paralysis? Or the grass is greener syndrome?

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ChadChasingBReturns · 2026-01-20T17:56:35+00:00

Are you neurodivergent?

matthedev · 2026-01-20T18:33:00+00:00

Anecdote vs. anecdote, but I've found it's much, much easier to meet women offline than through online dating apps. The only problem is the lack of density of attractive single women in my area 😆 I've found it's better to meet women, though, in low-stakes environments than at places like bars, night clubs, or Meetups, where they're more likely to have their guard up from being hit on by so many men.

Asleep-Pin-5664 · 2026-01-20T18:42:42+00:00

Only read the tldr

“Women have the same advantages on dating apps that they do in real life-- more options, more attention, the ability to be passive and still succeed, etc.”

No they don’t.

1) Guys are a lot more selective about who they give their attention and approval to irl. They don’t approach every woman and they don’t hit on every woman in their social circles. This is because there’s a high social cost associated with doing this. (How high the cost is is subjective but it’s way higher than just texting or swiping)

2) Women do have the ability to be passive and still succeed, but in practice most women are doing something to encourage male attention in real life. If women expect to do this then most men probably will ignore her.

3) men asking women out irl is becoming more and more rare. Just doing this sets you apart as a man.

“Dating apps only magnify this advantage. If men who are at any attractiveness level below "Very attractive" struggle on dating apps, there's no reason to think they won't struggle IRL too, because the same guys women fixate on in dating apps (causing average/above average men to be ignored/discarded) exist in the real world too.”

In the real world personality matters a lot more. In adding looks are more ascertainable and flaws are more forgiven. Also women’s perceptions of men’s looks tends to be correlated with their perception of his personality.

Dating apps appeal to men’s appetites and women’s egos

mashedturnip · 2026-01-20T04:54:51+00:00

No one says that. They just say it’s easier

jorts-enthusiast · 2026-01-20T11:48:39+00:00

In my experience, many women aren’t getting the attention you describe - the “buffet of willing men.”

I’m under no illusions about me being extremely average looking. Men in here have told me I have to be approached despite my looks - it’s happened a handful of times in my life but it’s incredibly rare. I think more attractive women probably do get that much attention, but you could say the same for anyone who is very attractive. But even then, I know some beautiful women who do not get attention.

Dating apps did not invent pickiness. But, one topic of conversation that keeps coming up in my talking with female friends is how badly some of them want to meet someone offline instead of on dating apps. They don’t like having to use apps to meet someone and would jump at the chance to meet someone irl instead. It feels better to be approached than to be matched with on an app.

That being said, dating apps are incredibly toxic and people should really consider moving away from them.

PB-French-Toast-9641 · 2026-01-20T05:01:08+00:00

How old are you and what’s your age range

Smart-Mall4110 · 2026-01-20T13:35:50+00:00

Better IRL, so much better. Dating a woman I connected with, and it feels natural.

shmupsy · 2026-01-20T15:48:13+00:00

in my life, i had way better results with people that came out of my social circles than i ever did slogging it out on apps. the apps were always torture

illusive-man-00 · 2026-01-20T15:50:12+00:00

Shouldn’t be struggling that much tbh.

It has to be your face or personality, I promise you.

If you’re 6”4 and handsome I assume random women in public stare at you/ make eye contact? If this doesn’t happen you’re not H.I.M

Im 6”0 with a model face (I mog most men here in New York) and I can pull on Tinder and in real life (although I do have times where things are just slow for me…)

Do you have any pics? We need to see how you look cause at 6”4 you should be towering of most dudes, add on an attractive face and you goochie.

Blacktransjanny · 2026-01-20T16:38:11+00:00

Non-club social events tend to work very well to meet women. Meeting people in a rec league, CrossFit, a gardening club, book club or coffee shop is more realistic than clubbing to meet someone. Those regular interactions give you frequent connection points where you can be in the same vicinity as someone as for awhile, start small talk and gauge interest.

Infinite-Emu-1279 · 2026-01-20T18:00:39+00:00

Interesting read

These-Purpose-7019 · 2026-01-20T20:40:06+00:00

Its a mixed bag, I know dudes who specifically do better irl than dating apps, and myself who do better on apps cause I dont approach irl and prefer the woman to swipe on me first. On the other irl you have to have more charisma to overcome any deficiencies, cause not getting matches online is a looks issue.

Livid-Log7463 · 2026-01-20T20:57:34+00:00

People assume that because of the fact that less women on any given time are on a dating app that it’s just an entirely different group of women with entirely different preferences on there, when the reality is that most people both men and women have been on them before with only slight difference between men and women, Not only that but it still exposes you to more women than you will ever meet in person.

Shazoa · 2026-01-21T04:54:16+00:00

Ultimately, there are a bunch of ways you can end up getting an opportunity to interact with people face to face that you'd never get through OLD, dating events, or on a night out. Being forced into contact, like through work, is the stereotypical example. You might be the perfect match for someone but they'll never know. And how could they? Women physically can't give every man who shows interest a chance.

So you only give chances to the people who are able to make the best impressions with the least time. This naturally involves physical attractiveness, but also anything you can pick up on in a couple of seconds.

Hefty-Lobster-5513 · 2026-01-21T19:56:51+00:00

Dating apps were fire before the companies decided to turn them into profit machines. You literally have to pay for features that were available for free in 2014.

pie-mart · 2026-01-21T22:10:21+00:00

I mean, dating apps is primarily men. And then women have the notion most guys are on there just for hookups, so it is making women gravitate away from them. Its just a desert at this point. Cuz low key, I hate OLD as a woman

Due_Appointment_1188 · 2026-01-23T06:50:39+00:00

You're comparing the experience of average men to the experience of the top slice of women, then concluding that women universally have it easier. You're describing hot women and make an universal female baseline out of it.

If you want symmetry, compare the experience of top 5 percent of women vs top 5 percent of men, and average women vs average men.

Top women always work with a full inbox, sure. Top men also get flooded, just from a smaller pool and less publicly. Attractive men in big cities can and do get approached, get DM'd, get set up by friends, get offered casual stuff, get invited to private parties. It's just not happening in the same venues as "approached at the bar 10 times". Women have abundance of inbound, men have abundance of autonomy. Both have their pros and cons.

But let's talk average women which you conveniently glanced over, they're virtually never approached by men at all especially if they're more indoorsy, can potentially get a lot of attention if they do go out but primarily from guys they don't consider even remotely viable options, deal with tons of awkward or inappropriate approaches, and get ghosted by the top guys the same way average men get ignored by the baddies.

So yes, the raw quantity of inbound attention is higher for women, but the quality filtering is brutal. Quantity isn't agency. A girl getting 50 likes from dudes she'd never date and one maybe, is not "winning" more than a guy with 3 high quality matches and dates. You're not competing in numbers, first of all you're not competing at all, but if you were to, you'd compete in the outcome, and the outcome is that people generally match at their own market value. The journey there isn't all that important.

Dating apps didn't invent pickiness for women

Everyone's picky if they have the means to be. Apps massively scale the filtering, and scale is everything. Every 8, 9, and 10 from a 30km radius is thrown into her feed. Of course she filters up. Men would do the same if the roles were reversed, but they aren't, so thy can't. Apps are made for the top slice of men that already get dates, everyone else is just inconvenient and in the way. The problem is they're used by the wrong guys who literally only pollute the platform giving women free validation with meaningless likes, and then that same audience bitches about it instead of calling it quits. Apps are not meant to be used as a last resort by men that are not successful, but as just another way to get dates by those that already are.

TheGuyDean · 2026-01-23T21:54:53+00:00

I don't think people say that though, ive mainly just heard people say the results can be worse online.

United_Donkey8368 · 2026-01-24T11:53:56+00:00

But on dating apps there are more men than women, and many of those women are only there to promote their OnlyFans or to get attention; most aren't even there to date.

JackOfCrusades · 2026-01-20T05:08:31+00:00

Women will always get more attention than men, online and off. Women have the option to be passive in dating, men don't.

But men suck at approaching women. 90% of dudes will chicken out without ever approaching an attractive woman in person. Of the guys that do approach, 90% of them will be skeezy about it and hit on her right out of the gate. By approaching confidently and not being a sleezeball, you're already ahead of the vast majority of guys. Manage to have five or ten minutes fun conversation, and you're competition drops off to a tiny handful of dudes.

Compared to a dating app, where she's scrolling along making snap judgements on hundreds of guys, spending a few seconds on each. The whole app is designed to facilitate fast, shallow disqualifications. I dunno about you, but I'm not hot enough to make that work consistently.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2026-01-20T12:26:45+00:00

I'm 6'4, I've been told I'm handsome, I think I have a good sense of humor, I smile when I talk (and I have good teeth), I'm polite, I live alone, I'm in shape (I'm on the leaner side at 175 lbs), my fashion sense is at least decent, I groom myself very well, I communicate well and consistently, and I'm not broke

That tells us nothing about your personality. If you’re checking all the physical boxes, then it’s your personality.

2026-01-20T14:06:45+00:00

In real life I've had 3 attractive woman still in their 20s ask me to hangout (I'm much older).. on dating apps I get no matches. Not even with unattractive women. Dating apps are horrible for most men

Just-Path-5838 · 2026-01-20T14:07:08+00:00

Anyone who struggles on dating apps is gonna struggle in real life. But, the statement "women aren't as picky in real life" is kinda true because you can meet women in different contexts. However you do online is how you're gonna do in bars and clubs, it's the same thing. You're never going to gain any traction with women you don't know in any environment where there are more attractive dudes all around.

However, in contexts where women are forced to interact with you, you might have a better chance, because they might like you when they get to know you. You really just have to be sociable and hope. School, work, mutual friends etc.

tresne · 2026-01-20T16:03:38+00:00

Sucks to be you nigga

love_in_october · 2026-01-20T17:20:46+00:00

Have you been to many bars, clubs, or parties recently? Pick a woman you're not attracted to, over the course of the evening see who hits on her. (Or even one who you are attracted to. The outcome will be the same.)

Equivalent_Dance2278 · 2026-01-20T10:54:30+00:00

Soooo, you whine about women not understanding what men go through, while making assumptions that all women get tons of attention? You don’t see the disconnect? There are plenty of women who don’t get lots, if any attention. You don’t even notice those women.

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-20T12:17:48+00:00

I'm not an apps girl never have been. But, I've had friends. It's just overwhelming. You almost can't keep up with the amount of interest. It's like if you had 200+ emails every single day to sort through and all of them COULD be important. And then let's say you manage to comb through this and respond, now you have probably 20+ conversations going with strangers...and your normal life. I don't respond to my actual friends and family sometimes, but I know I want to be in touch with them forever. If I stopped responding to some random 1/20+ dudes....I'd assume I wasn't that into him in the first place. It's just too much. The fatigue of these apps due to the gender imbalance and the way men swipe just makes it impossible to realistically handle for anyone. The level of picky and fickle you almost have to bring just to survive the overload is rarely who any of these women truly are (and I mean this for real. Two of my friends were in med school, super disciplined, not at all flakey, very loving, loyal, and critically thoughtful women. But put them on a dating app and they'd find almost any reason it wasn't going to work up to and including that they fell asleep mid conversation so clearly he wasn't the one.)

Real life is a different place because you're less likely to be strangers (women keep saying warm approach and men keep hearing so I should try cold, but be nicer). But even in real life, the number of men who have the balls to go up to a woman is much less than the number of men who will swipe. That's where the numbers game is kinder. Of course women will still have more interest than men...but, far fewer men will act on that interest out of cowardice. And, while women are picky, I can say in my experience they take the IRL dudes they know more seriously than the apps (they almost couldn't take the apps less seriously if they tried).

I'm not suggesting any of this will be easy. As a woman, I ran into about 1 man every 3 years I wanted to date. On average, I think most women meet 1 man a year they're interested in. It is unlikely in short term you're going to find anything, but if you keep at it, it stands to reason you will because eventually most people do.

I cannot recommend enough: have a community, be in a community. Maybe this is bars or clubs, but more likely it is something like church, nonprofit volunteering, work, a sports or hobby club. Something where people filter through in a warm capacity regularly. You meet them, they meet you, no pressure.

anewleaf1234 · 2026-01-20T07:27:24+00:00

What's the last adventure you have had with a woman on a date?

Title	I've heard people say that men's lack of success on dating apps doesn't occur in real life. I don't believe that
Author	RayAP19
Upvotes	150
Comments	348
Date	January 20, 2026 4:27 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qhr8fj/ive_heard_people_say_that_mens_lack_of_success_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/ive-heard-people-say-that-mens-lack-of-success-on.1571580 https://theredarchive.com/post/1571580

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