Men fail to understand that women want to be chosen, not settled for.

ShiniTheM · 2026-06-08T09:23:10+00:00

Everybody understands this. But we live in the real world, not a fantasy. You typical pudgy balding guy making 50k stands zero chance with an attractive woman, so his options are to either be an incel or lower his standards.

An average person is nobody's first choice.

stevemunoz117 · 2026-06-08T01:35:41+00:00

this isnt just a woman thing. we all hope and wish for the same because its also common for women to settle with the men they choose.

DecantsForAll · 2026-06-08T04:53:21+00:00

Where are you getting the idea that "men" don't understand this?

As a man, it seems pretty fucking obvious.

AggravatingFlow1178 · 2026-06-08T04:58:52+00:00

I think most men understand this.

Reality is, some men do infact need to 'settle'.

MarioWilson122 · 2026-06-08T06:55:51+00:00

Unfortunately, that's not always how life works. Some men end up having to choose from the options they can realistically get, not necessarily their ideal option.

That doesn't automatically mean they don't care about their partner or can't have a good relationship. It just means not everyone gets their first choice. That's true for a lot of people, not just men.

Zabadoodude · 2026-06-08T02:30:48+00:00

Isn't that what everyone wants?

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-06-08T04:45:32+00:00

Then you have to be perfect. Which isn't possible because "perfect" is different for each person. On top of that you need to be very proactive and not just sit here waiting for a man to just appear out of nowhere.

Kotja · 2026-06-08T05:03:40+00:00

So "Lower your standards" is bad advice and if men do it, they should keep it in absolute secret?

jjwillie · 2026-06-08T04:06:46+00:00

I never understood the big deal about settling. What’s wrong with “good enough”? Most of the time the “good enough” option will make you far happier than the ideal option. Perfection is the enemy of good, as they say. To me, settling would be forcing yourself to be with someone you absolutely don’t want. The “good enough” option is not that- it’s just being realistic about what you can get.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-06-08T01:48:26+00:00

Most people know this.

The men here who speak like this feel they will never find that someone or that if they did, she wouldn't want that.

So they talk like big Ole grinches. I wouldn't argue with their feelings that this is somehow acceptable. This is just what bitterness and fear does to people

criticalcry-tactic00 · 2026-06-08T07:06:11+00:00

Ok now imagine being a men and NEVER get to be chosen as first class in your entire life because you are expected to be tall, muscular, beautiful, with your own car, house and be a provider/hunter/vampire. Men are only loved if they provide for something or put on a mask. No men is ever loved for being themselves.

Yeah i totally felt empthay towards you.

Livid-Log7463 · 2026-06-08T10:05:06+00:00

Only the best should get to feel like the best option, an average person deserves to feel like an average option.
If an average woman wants to feel like the best option she should be trying to date significantly downward.

Men aren’t so dumb as to not realize women require being treated as a better option that they are, that’s why the vast majority have to act like that’s who they have.

Organicana · 2026-06-08T16:54:46+00:00

"Settling" does not mean you value yourself, or your mate, any less or make either more/less special.

The whole "settling" quandary is more about personal ego than about inviting in a satisfying, deep, meaningful relationship.

"Settling" is a fact of life, something we do every day ..... including our romantic choices ..... and people really need to get over themselves and let go of the "I'm just too special/valuable/worthwhile to stoop so low as to settle for whats realistically possible" nonesense.

We shop for THINGS with a checklist of criteria.... and even then, we will absolutely and 100% SETTLE for what we can afford AND whats available to us.

Its a pretty big ego that can assume they know exactly everything to the point that anything less is "settling" and it will be rare to find anyone with an accurate perception of their own true worh upon any given market ..... In spite of what some like to believe simply because it makes them feel special, valuable or worthwhile ........ If everyone is special/valuable/worthwhile ..... then by default, nobody is.

What about what we dont know? How does "settling" equate into that reality?
What about aspects we didn't even know we liked/admired/desired until we experienced it fully? Would we be "settling" then? ..... Or would it only be "settling" when we were ignorant to our attractions?

Human psychology has absolutely been weaponized against us to manipulate us and steer our .... no, more accurately would be ... to limit our perceptions into a narrow box easy to draw with lines to box you in.

So ..... If Jason Momoa is your ideal ..... anything less is "settling" and beneath you? This is preposterous ..... and it doesn't need be my exact example of Jason ..... could be equally shallow ideals like "over 6 foot" or "big breasts" or even personality traits .... doesn't matter.

Everyone has likes and dislikes ..... deal makers and deal breakers .... This is good, we all should have basic boundries and standards ..... besic being key here because such things are nuanced, textured, and can even bend a little either way ...... But thats not whats being talked about when folks talk about "settling" like its dog shit stuck to their shoe.

Nobody likes to think that we "settle" for anything ..... But in reality, settling is all we ever do in some manner or another.

What about folks who did "settle" and later report its the best thing they ever did because if they held out for the perfect score of never settling in any way ..... They would of never discovered the beauty of traits they never even knew existed?

Perfection doesn't exist ..... its an illusion thats required to both contrast and define imperfection.

People are just too easily controlled, manipulated, and made miserable simply through getting emotionally triggered through their egos with connotations of negativity by manipulating the meanings of words by attaching negative ego connections to it ..... and "settling" is a perfect example ..... Nobody gets what they want, but if you can get past your own ego and get out of your own way ..... you may get what you need...... And I doubt theres a single human being who can accurately make a check list of what you need.

The day we can set our big egos aside and therefore widely broaden our possibilities ..... is the very day we "settle" for what truly makes us content, happy, fulfilled and satisfied ..... NOT what our egos tell us we need to reach such lofty goals as our own egos are the biggest liars, manipulators and cause of depressive attitudes and negative conclusions that we have ever known or will likely ever know.

I wish I could say Im typing this on the latest gadget with all the latest bells and whistles ..... but im not .....Im typing it on the product I settled for .....and I am no less happy, fulfilled, or content with it as it does everything I need and even has some vital aspects I didn't even know I absolutely would now feel I need ...... go figure.

I actually pity those whom so falsely believe they know everything about themselves, everything about everyone and have everything concerning anything completely figured out, including drafting up some life map, which if they dont follow to a t ..... means they accept their less than worthy, so "settled" for less. What a prison they have built and locked themselves up in!

The_Laniakean · 2026-06-09T01:36:19+00:00

Well it is delusional for me, an average man, to believe I am worthy of my dream woman. Do yall just think everyone should be hypergamous and only try to date the top 5% of their preferred gender?

society000 · 2026-06-09T12:51:11+00:00

You're never going to get this with someone you go on a first date with. You won't even get it after five dates. This is the kind of thing that can only be built after years of having someone in your life, to the point that neither one of you can imagine a better life without the other.

mobjack · 2026-06-08T02:08:02+00:00

This is fantasy.

Everyone settles a little bit. We all have flaws.

You have to find someone who is good enough to be compatible with you and build something from there. The bond you create together is what will carry your relationship long term.

Low-Contact6500 · 2026-06-08T01:51:31+00:00

heres my thing, Men have a much wider net for what is considered attractive, women dont. fat women are desired, small breast women are desired, tall women are desired, muscular women are desired. all of these women are desired,

best he can get is just being realistic, and staying in his league. women truly cant comprehend men being happy and desiring their league, despite much more attractive women out there.

short men arent desired, broke men arent desired. unnatractive men arent desired. and average men arent desired, nor undesirable. just have to bring more

men are dealing with sexual selection, we have to be proactive and realistic, or be incels, we do not have the abundant of options.

This is the dating/sex market women created, cant be mad at men for trying to thrive in it and get access

SamuraiGoblin · 2026-06-08T04:38:54+00:00

Why do you think this is a gendered issue?

Jip_Jaap_Stam · 2026-06-08T07:31:29+00:00

Out of interest, what do you think are the odds, mathematically speaking, of the one man you want in the world also considering you the one woman he wants in the world?

We're talking astronomical odds here. If men had the same selectiveness as women, virtually nobody would ever partner.

Luckily, most men will have a group of women they'd consider - if they had the chance. Once you're with him for a while, depending on how much of a pain in the arse you are and whether you make life better or worse in general, that pool will narrow until you're the only one he wants.

That's the best you can hope for. If you want to improve your odds, you could broaden your scope for what is acceptable. But apparently that's impossible for women, at least until they've exhausted all their options.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2026-06-09T03:36:36+00:00

If you want to be THE OPTION, you need to look like THE OPTION. If not, you need to either aim to become that option through gym and diet, or date men more on your own level.

DietTyrone · 2026-06-08T02:15:41+00:00

You say that, and yet when I pose the following question the answers from women say otherwise.

What if we have a woman who dated/hooked up with very attractive men in her youth. She gets older, none of the previous men stuck around, and she decides she wants to focus on something more secure that will last. She starts seeing a guy who she knows isn't as attractive as the previous guys she's been with and isn't the kind of guy she would have hooked up with in her youth. But she likes his personality, he's stable, and has the qualities of a good husband and father so she enters and LTR with him.

When I present this kind of scenario, the first ones to argue that this isn't settling and that the guy should be content with what he can get here are women. What's your take on the matter? Should the guy who wasn't attractive enough to have been chosen has a hookup option in her youth be content with being settled for later down the line?

Radiant-Community467 · 2026-06-08T07:19:57+00:00

But that’s not how it works in real life. You have to be truly exceptional for someone to choose you like that.

This explains why so many women trust obvious players. If you want to believe in fairy tales that are impossible in reality, you’ll end up looking for the boldest liar and trusting him.

WanabeInflatable · 2026-06-08T05:08:22+00:00

So do men. And men can't get that (being chosen) either.

But women want unobtainable men or sleep with men out of their league and get dumped.

Then later women realize they need a family, so they settle to some average man with a decent salary.

Forsaken-Station-113 · 2026-06-08T01:42:32+00:00

It's true...but you also have to be realistic regarding a guy's own situation, and also about how REAL ATTRACTION AND BEHAVIOURS work.

You can't expect a guy who's never had any experience to act like you're the best he'll ever see if the dude doesn't even know how it feels like to be desired. It's like asking a homeless person to wish for a villa compared to having any shelter at all.

Also, if you expect a guy with plenty of options to simply choose you...that's insane, girl. 😄

Most men who have choices don't settle for anyone, because...why would they? Same goes for women with plenty of choices,

You're essentially looking for someone who doesn't actually need you to...need you.

JustGeminiThings · 2026-06-08T18:29:56+00:00

People ignore the fact that "settling" and "good enough" carry connotation. And that connotation is not one that focuses on the positives of your choice, the qualities and combinations that you are unlikely to find in anyone else. If you add in the fact that not everyone reading is out there comparing people to celebrity crushes, the one who got away, or some other fantasy, then it starts sounding and feeling even more negative. Some people have a list of specifics that they are going off of, some people are waiting to feel a strong "yes" about someone - and I suspect those people react negatively to the idea of settling. Compromise doesn't carry as heavy a connotation, but we seem to be culturally going hard for "settling" right now. Settling and "good enough" tends to sideline the positive qualities of the person you might be choosing, it eliminates any genuine enthusiasm, and kind of emphasizes that this person or thing is less than desirable.

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2026-06-09T02:20:58+00:00

Why when there's a conflict in a relationship, it's always what the man needs to do better? What do you offer? If you want the princess treatment, than act like you are deserving of it. Be a virgin, be submissive, know how to cook and clean and not whine about it, be skinny, bring peace into a man's life, learn how to communicate, etc. You can't expect to be treated like you're the best thing since sliced bread if you think all men are trash and you don't provide any qualities that men look for. Everyone is settled for. You're not special.

ZennedGame · 2026-06-09T07:49:15+00:00

Do shit the others won't then

50shadesofsigma · 2026-06-09T09:10:48+00:00

Everybody is like this. Everyone wants to be 1st prize. Reasons for most retroactive jealousy.

Advanced-Ad8490 · 2026-06-09T09:27:56+00:00

Girl this exactly the same for men. Plenty of women are just settling for their male partner and it kinda sucks.

Every relationship has a chaser and settler. Gender has no impact on that.

just_a_place · 2026-06-08T03:29:46+00:00

This is not possible because it is women who are the choosers, not men. We are not the ones that get the pick of the litter. We take what we can get and then we settle for it. That's the way it works. That's the way it has always been. It's written in our DNA which is the reason men are attracted to 80% of women while women are only attracted to the top 5% of men.

If men were the choosers this disproportion would not exist. Get real.

m0dernw4y · 2026-06-08T02:42:13+00:00

If this is true, why do women choose men who are already surrounded by other women, knowing they'll become just another number? Women want an attractive man and they want to desire him. What he thinks is much less relevant.

Gold_Sheepherder6569 · 2026-06-08T01:41:42+00:00

Both men and women would ideally want this and would also ideally want their partner to be the most desirable person to themselves. The difference is a lot of men recognize at some point that they would have to lower their standards and they are not the most attractive person to their female partner unless those men are very desirable and can leverage their desirability to get their ideal partner.

ClevelandSpigot · 2026-06-08T01:39:59+00:00

"THE OPTION"? Singular? Do you think that there is only one man for you, out of all humans that ever existed?

What happens when, say, that extremely lucky man, the one who views you as THE OPTION, the one who cannot live without you, approaches you, and you reject him?

If you are going to deal with human beings here, moving around in the real world, with real world repercussions, then you are going to have to come at this very important topic with more than just, "NO I don't want to be the "good enough" option, or the best you think you can get".

I mean, you are so adamant about this. Can you role-play through how a man, or men in general, are supposed to act, move, and do?

edjohn88 · 2026-06-08T08:11:25+00:00

Everyone wants to feel like their lover can't live without them. It is never true or at least can't go both ways though... if one of them really feels that way it shows and the other will get sick of it fast.

Both men and women have to dance for it to be a fun dance. Push pull MF whether you are the guy or the girl.

Foreign_Look8668 · 2026-06-08T08:38:37+00:00

The idea that women want to be genuinely chosen rather than settled for is understandable. No one wants to feel like a backup option or "good enough."

That said, there are some logical tensions worth examining: If the basis for being chosen is primarily attractiveness, that's inherently fragile — there's almost always someone more attractive out there. For deeper reasons (personality, compatibility, partnership), it raises the question: have you actively worked to be a great partner to that person?

Things like being charming, reciprocal, emotionally supportive, exciting in the dynamic, or invested in the relationship. From observation and experience, conversations about self-improvement in dating often focus heavily on what men need to do better.

At the same time, many women express wanting to be "the one" while demanding special treatment upfront rather than striving to earn that status through how they show up. Demanding to be special is different from consistently being special for their partner.

Additionally, the idea that you must be chosen from a huge pool of options — or be "the best" compared to everyone else — can become a toxic mindset. It shifts focus from how your partner actually treats you and shows up for you, toward egotistical ranking and comparison.

Worrying about whether you're someone's "third choice" or needing proof that they had many options before picking you is similar to obsessing over body count: it has little bearing on the actual quality of the relationship or emotional fulfillment.

People aren't entirely unique. There's always someone with similar (or better) traits in certain areas. Real security comes from mutual investment and how you show up for each other, not from winning some desirability competition or fantasy of being irreplaceable among millions.

I'm not dismissing the desire to feel wanted. But wanting the outcome ("be chosen") without the corresponding inputs (becoming highly preferable through effort and behavior) — or tying it to comparative superiority — seems like it sets up the very disappointment being described.

Beginning_Act_9666 · 2026-06-08T10:18:41+00:00

The solution is incredibly simple - go for your looksmatch because obviously if you were pretty you wouldn't be writing walls of texts here. Guys would easily choose you and commit to you. Go for shorter/worse looking guys and actively reciprocate their attention in order to preserve their interest. You girls love going for chads and then whine about not being chosen while he has a fcin harem of better looking women bruh

Lower-Base-2014 · 2026-06-08T14:46:58+00:00

Well..men want to be chosen too and not settled for after she has fun with her exes. It goes both ways and men know this by experience.

RealityCold4693 · 2026-06-08T01:28:56+00:00

No man is ever going to tell a woman he settled for her do you know the kind of argument and stuff like that will cause in a relationship

JonMyMon · 2026-06-08T03:00:52+00:00

ok and women fail to understand that in order to be that option that's chosen you have to

a. be at least at a similar looks level and b. have significant overlap in interests and values

if those things are not met in the first place, don't ask yourself why the man can't live without you. make sure you fall for the real person and not the idea of them.

JohnGoodman_69 · 2026-06-08T02:12:17+00:00

I want to be wanted, I want to be someone that you can't live without, not out of convenience or a last resort, if it's not that then women do not want it!

You think men are any different? Who's more likely to feel this level of being desired in a hetero relationship? Its not the man.

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Sensitive_Housing_85 · 2026-06-08T06:03:49+00:00

Everyone has this but in your case this only matters when it someone you already love, men are more willing to settle, women arent but they also don't get that if you like someone, they are the ones to dictates the terms not you, you are already chosen you just want to be chosen by a specific man and you forget that it's up to you to meet his standard not the other way around, he already meets yours,

Southern_Source_2580 · 2026-06-08T10:37:25+00:00

Which sex do you honestly think not only uses the term settling but actively does said settling while the other doesn't even cross their mind they think they made it with someone?

Bulky-Actuary175 · 2026-06-08T11:29:35+00:00

It's not just a woman thing. There are real romantics. Just don't settle for someone who applies a 'value' to other people. Most importantly, we can only truly control whether we are givers, and romantics, ourselves. We have the ability to try and harmonize with others and not logically 'value' them, while keeping ourselves open to the reality that our true love might be wildly outside our preferences and expectations.

People here are trying to rationalize something that is inherently irrational, delusional, absurd and emotional.

henrycatalina · 2026-06-08T11:43:21+00:00

You ought to consider what you call chosen is created by the relationship. The choosing is mutual and an exchange of value. Each party needs to understand their own value. Each party needs to get signals their value to the other is recognized as attractive. Each party must be willing and capable of loyalty and changing some behaviors that degrade the relationship.

Settled works when your perspective is to build a life together. That means the foundation is stable enough to create a mutually beneficial life.

abaxeron · 2026-06-08T13:08:44+00:00

I want to be someone that you can't live without

I am not 16, I can live without almost anyone, people I can't live without are interchangeable (doctors, chefs, farmers, ...), and I seriously doubt that you would appreciate someone this emotionally dependent on you; at least most women don't. Would you find a guy attractive if he severely self-harmed after his last breakup? Or would you see it as an immediate red flag?

InitialNo3061 · 2026-06-09T20:36:00+00:00

Women are the ones who overwhelming don't understand this lmao

Academic-Ball-9606 · 2026-06-09T21:58:29+00:00

Most men dont get to choose

Sutanrei · 2026-06-08T01:46:54+00:00

Everyone wants this but the majority of women simply just don't stand out enough. And they need to in a huge sea full of trash.

2026-06-08T01:57:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Ok_Fault_9208 · 2026-06-08T01:35:17+00:00

As a man, I want to be with the person I feel that way about, but so far it hasn't worked out with the people I've felt that way about. Likewise, and much more recently, there've been a few women who have felt that way about me, and it was I who did not feel the same way.

I'm sure it's what everyone wants but it doesn't feel particularly easy.

Emotional_Meal748 · 2026-06-08T02:50:32+00:00

Don’t worry. Men commit to the best they think they can get. Men go low for hookups/ons

chamomilecloud · 2026-06-08T01:33:26+00:00

Men understand this but will date you anyway, e.g “starter girlfriends” and the like. That is not really their fault or anyone’s fault if they are content with someone who’s “good enough.” It’s not morally wrong to date someone.

Like I tell the men here, you will never know if you are settled for. Chances are, you’ll never know how he treated his exes or whether he loved them more than you.

What you can do is determine whether you are happy in that relationship, whether your needs are met, and whether the relationship is headed in the direction you want. If it is, great. If your needs aren’t being met, leave.

welphellothere01 · 2026-06-08T01:29:58+00:00

Then be the best version of yourself so that you can’t just blame men for your lack of finding this made up person.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2026-06-08T01:48:45+00:00

It’s performative. If I placed the most attractive and least attractive people I’ve been with next to each other, and the most ambitious and least ambitious people I’ve been with next to each other, some people would be pretty surprised at my range. My indiscriminate libido doesn’t mean anything

Part of being a “decent person” is that I mostly treat people the same, minus lifelong commitment to them. It doesn’t matter how unique you are, you’re still mostly just “a person I had sex with for whatever reason”.

I’ll be nice, though. Say “you look great”, “you’re perfect”, etc. I also try to ignore flirting from other people. At the end of the day, it’s mostly just sex and someone to play video games with

Current_Tax4903 · 2026-06-08T10:16:31+00:00

You should blame feminism. THE OPTION for most men was a loyal virgin tradwife. But basically all men can live without a boss babe.

It’s pretty simple. Stop thinking it’s a good idea to demonise all men’s desires then turn around and wonder why men view you so indifferently.

BlackTransMaam2 · 2026-06-08T12:39:14+00:00

When men get the best they can and women typically weigh the lowest they'll go in terms of choices this is what happens.

Title	Men fail to understand that women want to be chosen, not settled for.
Author	Alarmed-Toe9423
Upvotes	20
Comments	241
Date	June 8, 2026 1:21 AM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1tztw3s/men_fail_to_understand_that_women_want_to_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-fail-to-understand-that-women-want-to-be.1582315 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582315

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