She Plotted

Drjaydvm · 2025-01-22T17:52:28+00:00

My ex was behaving more or less until I got a beautiful 34 year old Latina girlfriend. She went bananas after that lol. I just ignore her. Thankfully my kids are 16 and 18.

First-Sail8421 · 2025-01-22T15:39:59+00:00

This is a common occurrence and not dissimilar from mine, where my wife (15 years, three children, no abuse) told me repeatedly while her dad was dying of cancer that she intended to divorce me as soon as he passed. She kept her word. The combination of staring death in the face, getting older, being surrounded by pop psychology pricks and divorce whisperers who want her to suffer as they do or make money off her, and a no-fault divorce system that makes it far easier to divorce than cancel your cable all conspire against the family unit. Even if your children are older, this will still have a big effect on them. Encourage her to read Judith Wallerstein’s book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce on how children react to divorce, even decades later. It will terrify you, and you may be able to use it cause her to rethink her position. Not to mention the absence of integrity in betraying vows made before man and God. Also, be ready during the divorce for her to turn on you and accuse you of any number of terrible things like abuse, dishonesty, mental unfitness, being a poor father, etc during the litigation, as she will do so to try to gain an edge in the litigation to secure a better pay-out. It will get worse before it gets better, unless you can bring her back around. But the world is against you. The bikini suggests she may already have a man, so do your diligence and see what you can learn, as that will be helpful for alimony purposes (mine was buying lingerie). Don’t text/email about the divorce with friends etc bc you will want to demand production of her texts and emails in discovery to try to establish adultery, and you don’t want your own private thoughts being revealed (as you will have to produce yours).

gcube2000 · 2025-01-22T15:07:29+00:00

Anyone who is unhappy would be plotting.

Grafixx5 · 2025-01-22T12:51:00+00:00

I know a lot of retired military who have this happen to them, some who aren’t even retired but get out and then get their Va up at 100%, then their spouse files thinking they’ll get a portion of it as well. It’s horrible what is the old saying, money is the root of all evil? (Only speculation on that being the motivation)

However, something similar happened. Right after Christmas this year, I was told about getting a divorce but it was not the first time. Mine asked numerous times about a divorce and I never told her no, I asked why the first time and what did I do wrong? She said I didn’t do anything wrong and it wasn’t me, it was her. The second time, she told me that she only says it because I frustrate her to no end and that’s all she can say. So when she said it for the third time, I had come to the terms that I wasn’t going to beg or anything like that, I was just done and told her to go file. Do I think there is someone else? Probably. Why? Well, the actions are there, the secrecy is there and everything that people say or signs that people say to be on the lookout for are all there. Aside from people who say they know have told me they have seen things that will prove it or they have seen evidence of it. Where it is going, I don’t know cause the cost is like many have said… $20k+ which I don’t have but I hate having kids in an environment like they’re in now. Worse thing I was told a few days ago, was to go approach her about all these different changes to make and effort to put in but I’ve been trying and doing all that for almost 20years to no avail and thought, “why should it be me, yet again?”

Acidhouse2137 · 2025-01-22T12:24:23+00:00

typical modern woman moment. just callous, egoistical and entitled.

hfttb · 2025-01-22T11:56:58+00:00

Retired military as well, my divorce was just final late, December. None of the papers are filed, this is a negotiation. I made the mistake of being kind, compassionate, and doing the best I could for her financially and it bit me hard. Just be careful, and talk to your lawyer a lot.It’ll be cheaper in the end to get guidance in the beginning.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2025-01-22T11:47:49+00:00

Get ready. Since she plotted she's probably 10 steps ahead of you. My ex plotted for about 6-8 months before she filed (without even telling me).

Start vetting lawyers - you want a litigator.

Start thinking about custody (not sure how old your kids are).

Start thinking about child support and alimony.

Start thinking about what equitable distribution of assets means.

She already knows what she is entitled to (legally), what she wants and what she'll refuse to negotiate on. She also may know what leverage points she has.

Divorce is a negotiation.

pieperson5571 · 2025-01-22T10:31:48+00:00

Your turn is over.

Lawyer up.

Exit plan.

Distance and silence.

Go organic on potentials.

Updateme.

FirmConsideration219 · 2025-01-22T09:28:02+00:00

She’s not having a midlife crisis. Every thing else you shared is Extremely familiar, based on my personal experience.

I’m very sorry. Someone in this forum should be able to get you a copy of “The List”. It was published on a forum that is no longer available on the internet.

Can someone please share a copy of The List if you have it?

Notlikeotherguys · 2025-01-22T07:40:29+00:00

"Feel like I did everything right", yeah that resonated with me. I kept thinking the same thing myself. The added insult was that she left me for the guy that absolutely destroyed her life 25 years before. It's very hard for me to take women seriously anymore.

batmanarchy · 2025-01-22T04:19:35+00:00

Hate to say it but the modern woman is a trash can.

dc-cards · 2025-01-22T03:57:16+00:00

Similar experience here. Told me she wanted to divorce.

Through discovery documents I come to find she’s had the following for a year before we separated:

1) Private PO Box 2) Storage Unit 3) Out of state Professional License (in the state she was intending to move to with our kid) 4) Retained an Attorney & custody expert 5) Hired Private Investigator to go through my home office and follow me.

Felt as if I was trying to play catch up the whole time. Always on defense.

If it’s a contentious divorce, my advice is to go on offense. Be confident and adopt the mindset that you are just as equal of a parent as she is.

Common_Positive_425 · 2025-01-22T03:54:27+00:00

My ex told me that she was going to replace me in a minute with someone more handsome and richer than me.

She also said that she was already dating…a month after saying she’s done.

At the time I took it very very badly.

Then reality evened things out. Turns out guys only want a divorced mom with a bunch of kids just to fool around with. Then she put on weight. Then I recovered a bit financially. Then I got my mojo back and got myself a couple of hot, athletic girlfriends.

Years later, every misery of loneliness she wished on me is now her lot.

You’re in a tough moment, weather it and know the future can be better.

Eric_C_Productions · 2025-01-22T03:32:16+00:00

Apparently your wife was pulling the shade over your head. She may have already met someone as well. I did my 20 years too but my wife was the opposite, she made it known what she was doing. I lived in an abusive relationship and dealt with the mental and physical violence on me. The final straw was when she got me arrested on a trumped up charge and I spent the night in jail. Game over for me. I was tired of the abuse and it was the best thing I ever did. I spent over $25k in legal fees and spent two years going through a bitter divorce battle with her. But you know what? It was all worth it. Now I can be happy without her. She can be some other guy's problem.

Honestly, you don't want someone like that. You gave her 20 years, provided for her, served your country honorably, and did your best. And this is the thanks she gives you!? Screw her. Sometimes women think the grass is greener on the other side and they take the plunge and get out of their marriage. They think it will improve their situation. Then they come crawling back when they realize they had messed up.Ultimate betrayal if you ask me.

ADHD_247 · 2025-01-22T02:10:14+00:00

This happend to me as well. Her father passed a month before she blew up our marriage. Plotting for years as well. Obviously I was quite concerned when she unilaterally left forcing the current custody arrangement mostly because the apparent lack of empathy and apathy in general towards me and by way of extension the children, what does this teach the children?

I was the sahd while she had the successful career.

DoughnutObjective806 · 2025-01-22T01:28:55+00:00

The hill I will die on until the end of my days is that women know years in advance they're going to divorce. You say at least two.

I'll be honest my man, with a military retirement she could have known a decade ago. Again, they know this shit for a long time.

redwzrd · 2025-01-22T00:47:58+00:00

Sucks sorry man. I know what it's like and it's not easy. Don't get locked in your thoughts wondering what you could have done or care what's she's doing moving forward. The thought cycles are what eats away at your mental health.

BaldieGoose · 2025-01-22T00:45:27+00:00

This is exactly their playbook man. For mine it was a golf miniskirt to start whoring it up until she got a man to buy her a country club house.

ww3historian · 2025-01-21T22:35:18+00:00

Holy shit, my ex wife also bought a bikini and started working out just before the divorce. It's their playbook

No_Astronaut5941 · 2025-01-21T22:17:24+00:00

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-01-21T21:33:49+00:00

lawyer yesterday
dont drink
dont move out
sperate your income
Move ALL your communications with her to email and (this is important) wait 24 hours to reply to anything - Phones get wiped/socials deleted and in person convos mis remembered. Email is a electronic trail and waiting 24 hours will let you cool off and think things though.

This person wants you on your heels making short term decisions based off of emotion and not long term ones in a pragmatic manner. They know all your buttons and how/when to push them.

They are gonna want to do it 'amicable' but that means they get everything they want. As soon as you tell them no (to anything) they are gonna flip out and 100% tell you shit to make you upset (i'll get the house, you'll never see the kids, i'll get all your retirement, etc etc). Remember its all words. If that is the best they can do they have already lost the argument they are trying to make. There is a process to this and you're both gonna be beholden to it.

Come to grips NOW with losing on things: Time with kids, money (oh god the money), maybe the house, physical BS (it is just bs), and you'll take the news a lot better because she is gonna expect the same life style, sans you, but with your money and when that is gonna she will NOT react well.

Dont bother telling her anything about how things will go or if she is making a mistake. If she wants to move out BY GOD LET HER. It will be doing you a favor. Let her take whatever the heck she wants from the house. Let her get that 'win' if it means she dips out.

Anything you say will be deemed bs. Let her attorney (and she will get one once money is a factor) tell her all the bad news.

IMO your main goal is the kids - time with them is irreplaceable. They will need to see YOU are putting them first. She is, clearly, choosing herself here and they will be smart enough to see that, even if its in the long run.

If you can keep your cool and look at this as a business deal you'll more than come out ahead long term.

Its not your fault BUT IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. No one is gonna come to save you.

Economy_Blacksmith38 · 2025-01-21T20:39:49+00:00

Welcome to the club. Sorry for what you are going through.

Flapique · 2025-01-21T20:36:56+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is everything that you're describing in terms of lost relationships, split holidays, and the deceit that happened while you were together and she was "unhappy". Well guess what? I'm unhappy too sometimes, but I don't act like a petulant child and tear the cloth off the dining room table. The mess she's creating is even bigger than that if it was loaded up with Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. The sad thing is once they've started this, you have to start changing yourself right away too. If you haven't started working out even more than she is and aren't going out with your friends and enjoying hobbies, then you're losing. She doesn't care about your happiness and thinks that you'll be miserable without her. I bet if you show her otherwise she'll come crawling back but then would you want her anyways?

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2025-01-21T19:57:11+00:00

When mine threatened to file , I discovered she had been planning it for at least 2 years as well. Waiting to hit the 10-year mark to maximize gains… also SAHM , privileged , with everything most normal women would die to have… in my case she didn’t even want to do counseling or therapy. During the discovery phase of the divorce she shared recordings she had of me from 3 years ago, financial documents and business contracts from years before that… mind you, no abuse or any major conflict. Nothing. Only claims of emotional abuse that my lawyers laughed at… 1 year into legal separation now and she’s still trying to prove anything to maximize her share of community property.

I saw you’re still living in the same house. She might be recording you. Stay calm. Don’t talk to her. And try to push her out. Don’t leave the house or you will lose it.

After you’re done with her, you will be a happily divorced person. The silver linings of divorce are underestimated.

2025-01-21T19:49:53+00:00

Sounds like a classic dependa

CrazySanta7 · 2025-01-21T19:29:17+00:00

Midlife crisis? No, she is banging another dude or about to. I'm not being harsh, i promise, but this is the rule, not the exception.

Syyina · 2025-01-21T18:35:12+00:00

Your ex should have spoken up sooner If she was unhappy. Is it possible that she did, but you couldn’t or wouldn’t hear her because you were happy with the way things were going for your family?

I don’t say this to make you feel bad. I’m saying it because this sort of self -reflection may make it possible to salvage your current relationship, or to at least avoid going down the same path with your next one.

EmCee311 · 2025-01-21T17:55:00+00:00

Sorry you’re here. Mine did something similar after her dad passed away. Keep coming back to this sub, it’s a great help.

Beamformer · 2025-01-21T17:17:21+00:00

I traced mine's planning back to her married bff, who broke up another marriage for some monkey branching. That's when mine decided to jump on the planning and grooming bandwagon, im sure she got all the confirmation, motivation, and attention she needed from her obsessive social media. There were plenty of intermediate things she did like plastic surgery and secret lease agreements in the months before she left to go wait-out any CS I might come after.

The planning is fundamentally unfair and dishonest, and I would add a good indicator of her true character. Her AP is now with a woman at least as hot and young as my GF. Our kid (functionaly my kid) holds all her planning, theft, and dishonesty against her today, just as I do.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-01-21T17:09:19+00:00

Time for operation porcupine. The best offense is a prickly passive defense. Ducks. Row. Now.

Buy yourself time to regain the offensive by begging to repair the relationship and go to counseling, etc.

“All warfare is based on deception.” ~ Sun Tzu

krazykanuck · 2025-01-21T16:28:54+00:00

The plotting is real. I legit think because my ex had massive daddy issues she never saw me as a "team mate" and instead as an adversary that she plotted against while making it seem like things were okay. So many things make more sense after some time and a lot of reflection. It fucking sucks though, no doubt.

ShutUpHeExplained · 2025-01-21T16:28:01+00:00

IANAL, however, I would be looking into your finances very closely. Its possible she has been siphoning off cash for a separate account for herself to have a softer landing. She must disclose this otherwise its illegal. You cannot hide assets from your spouse. Also, I hate to say it but she also probably saw her dad's passing as an opportunity to make the change and now her father can't judge her anymore.

She "gave it all she had"? Bullshit. If you're unhappy, you owe it to your partner and your kids to talk about the problems and give them a chance to work with you on them. It may not have been fixable but saying nothing is bullshit.

"The best revenge is to be least like he who wronged you." Don't bitch, don't cry, don't badmouth her to anyone. Kids are not stupid and they'll figure it out when they're older. My ex waged a scorched earth campaign against me and I said nothing about her to anyone. Her campaign failed and I found out who my friends were. I lost one or two but good riddance.

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-01-21T16:27:45+00:00

Get an attorney now and do whatever they say.

Commercial_Music_931 · 2025-01-21T16:23:03+00:00

Yeah if you can possibly record her talking about her waiting/planning this for two years it'll be obvious to the judge she was just going after your retirement. Even then though hes likely to buy whatever story she spins. If legal in your state start recording conversations on the sly.

This exact scenario happened to my unit's Master Sgt. Her husband played the game and waited till she retired then stabbed her in the back. She went off the rails drinking and it was sad af when she'd come and try to hang around. She'd spent so long in the Corps just to have her retirement butchered.

bkdad75 · 2025-01-21T16:21:49+00:00

Every guy considering supporting a SAHM wife needs to read this. They beg you to give them a life they then end up hating and blaming you for. "I want to be a mother, please make that possible" morphs smoothly into "you stole my life and only Brad understands that".

yankeephil86 · 2025-01-21T15:54:06+00:00

My wife is begging me to stay married on paper so she can get paid Ch 35 benefits from the VA.

qmriis · 2025-01-21T15:31:34+00:00

Sucks to suck.

Replace her. Daddies are hot right now.

Rilinius · 2025-01-21T15:30:56+00:00

My STBXW and I were married for 6 years. She later told me the first time she thought we wouldn't make it was 1.5 years in. At the time hearing that damn near broke me, now it just makes me angry about all the lost time.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-01-21T15:02:51+00:00

Yeah... I have a similar story.

In a few weeks/months you'll find out she just happened to meet someone "new" and "fun" who "gets her." After meeting that person she re-wrote her whole life to be that she was never happy with you so she's not the bad guy for leaving you.

The telling part is her suddenly working out. She's not working out to re-enter the dating pool, she's working out to impress the new man she met. Hard truth, but it's the truth.

Edit to add: if you for some reason want her back just start going on dates. 100% certain she'll come RUNNING back to you.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2025-01-21T15:02:50+00:00

2 years ? - yeah there’s a dude. Sorry bro.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2025-01-21T14:37:48+00:00

Welcome to the club brotha. They all do this, give them a great life and a couple years after you get to a good point they say "I'm not happy" and blow up their lives. I'm 2 years post divorce and although the first months are hard, I did the hard work and my life is taking off like a Saturn rocket and my exw's little affair adventure resulted in her getting engaged to a guy who won't marry her for 5 years and is now not showing up to "family" events. It's hilariously laughable!!

Plow on, take the time to do the things you want, get in shape, go on vacation and life will take off man.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2025-01-21T14:33:08+00:00

Fight for your pension. Give up cash in lieu of. Get a text message from her saying she’s been planning this for two years, especially if it was before retirement.

Have a military buddy going through the exact same thing. Just after he did 22 years in the military, she dropped the divorce bomb on him. He also paid for her college with his GI bill. I went to the Middle East with him last year and told him based on what he said that she was planning a divorce and to go see a lawyer. When he told me she’d been withdrawing and not having sex with him for 3 years - told him the red flags are there. Then boom, a couple months later he calls me to tell me she filed for divorce. Life’s a bitch and women can be so cold during a divorce.

Take it from me as someone filing. I’m the one leaving my wife (long story but she’s crazy as shit). Anyways, I did my best to tell her my intentions from the start when I realized I was done. Ethically I couldn’t hide my intentions for years, and due to my lack of patience. Women are much more calculated though.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2025-01-21T14:32:40+00:00

Let me tell you, the same here "Military" she waited 3 mos after I retired to file, fast forward 6yrs later, she's in financial ruin, moved in with her Dad, I started speaking to her after 6yrs and all I hear now is" i will always show you appreciation and blah, blah, blah. It's astonishing

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-01-21T14:26:43+00:00

Same thing happened to tens of thousands of guys after Xmas. It is that time of year when unhappy wives drop the bomb. One last Xmas together as a family.

She got bored with being coddled and put on a pedestal. She has an exciting new guy in her life who leads and doesn't say yes to everything she asks for. You feel like you did everyhting right but you in fact did everything wrong to keep her attraction.

Don't ask your GF/spouse to work out with you. You go to the gym 5-6 days per week, get jacked AF, you let her wonder what women you are talking to/seeing at your gym. You don't hand over your GI bill, you use that to improve yourself. You need to maintain your upward trajectory. Travel is fine, but make sure to take just as many separate trips as well. If she can predict what you are going to be doing 99% of the time that is a huge attraction killer for women. Her wanting for nothing is a recipe for divorce.

It is convenient to blame it on a mid life crisis but she has been checked out for a few years now. The good news is you get a fresh start now as well. You have your kids so you are set. Go to the gym and get jacked AF, and go live your life. Enjoy the world, enjoy a bunch of different woman, enjoy your kids and grand kids.

Exotic-Belt-6847 · 2025-01-21T14:16:20+00:00

Gotta love the old “ now that Im leaving him gonna work out so I look attractive for someone new”. Just goes to show their insecurities. Couldnt be bothered to put effort in for the husband and father of the kids and then suddenly the idea of someone new is enough to put effort in. They all do the same shit. Mid life crisis, try to find themselves, reclaim their beauty, seek validation……. She will regret it later on. Let her go and find someone who values who you are as a person. Your wife will likely grow old miserable, never truly being happy with what she has. All relationships grow stagnate and fall apart if TWO people arent both committed to working at it. The grass isnt greener on the other side…. its just funner for a while.

Apprehensive_Park392 · 2025-01-21T14:10:53+00:00

Don’t let her see you cry. Do the 180 or Grey Rock….look them up. It will help you detach.

Apprehensive_Park392 · 2025-01-21T14:06:42+00:00

I went by through this. Like others have said just let her go.

Go see a lawyer immediately. Don’t wait. Protect what you can. As for what she is doing, keep a daily journal of her activities. I did this and so glad I did. It allows you to keep track and log all her craziness so that in ten years time, when she attempts to rewrite history, you will have the truth at hand to share with family and friends if she ever tries to lie about why she niles the marriage.

I’m thinking she has a guy on the side.

fffrdcrrf · 2025-01-21T13:57:00+00:00

Sorry man, there’s no stopping her now. When women make their minds up about this stuff there’s little to do that can stop her. You’ll soon know if she’s serious or not, but if she is being calculated about this then damn. Start doing some planning of your own

avocado-afficionado · 2025-01-21T13:54:13+00:00

What did she state was the reason for her.. Unhappiness? Do you think there’s someone else in the picture considering her stark behavior changes? Very suspicious and I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

xMataleo · 2025-01-21T13:53:43+00:00

Same thing happened to me. Once I finally agreed to move back to her super small home town she divorced me and shacked up with someone else real quick. It is what it is just feel like you got the short end of the stick but it’s not. On to bigger and better.

Left-Signature-5250 · 2025-01-21T13:24:33+00:00

I don't know what to say. It is absolutely appalling.

Unfortunately, I can relate pretty well since my ex did the same thing two years ago. We had everything - two kids (5 and 7) did not want for anything. We had I house with backyard, she was SAHM, I was working but also doing chores, helping with the children, etc. Everything as you would imagine it should be - of course, no abuse or anything like that.

Well, she obviously got bored and found an affair partner. That part I realized only after she moved in with our kids at a new guy only three months after divorce was finalized.

Fuck these ungrateful, emotionally driven, iloyal cunts.

On a positive note: I kept the house ( I had to buy her out) because she could never afford the mortgage anyway. I had always paid for the whole thing alone.

So I now live in a nice house in the subs with a gorgeous, very sweet and sexy girlfriend. I am at peace and enjoy life.

It only has been two years - stay positive, brother. You got this.

f-this-im-out · 2025-01-21T13:22:44+00:00

“Men will sacrifice their feelings for their family, women will sacrifice their family for their feelings”

For a long time I thought “that quote is not about my wife”. Then it happened to me. Then I paid more attention to other divorces, and other relationships. Now I believe that quote is as close to universal as you can get. Once I realized that’s just how women operate and stopped trying to understand what/where I went wrong, things got a lot easier. Peace came much more easily.

You have a long road ahead and there will be a roller coaster of emotions. For a lot of it you are just a passenger. Control the controllables.

Best of luck brother.

crager34 · 2025-01-21T13:15:39+00:00

It’s funny that when they plot, scheme, and lie, they are doing it for their protection, their safety, their future and are applauded. When men do it, we are dicks and trying to hurt them.

You do the same. Quietly protect yourself and get ready for the war.

Complicatedlogic · 2025-01-21T13:05:11+00:00

Something similar happened to me. Two years out of it, it’s much better and I’m able to see and accept things for what they are. So, my advice is stay on the high road, even if she does things to upset you, keep being a good dad. People will see things for what they are in time. Do not visit her social media page, she will be posting things that will upset you. Whether intentional or not, it’s going to happen. This seems like a pattern for a lot of men here post divorce as far as what they have to deal with and time being the best method of healing. Good luck brother.

Title	She Plotted
Author	Alert_Brick2273
Upvotes	177
Comments	200
Date	January 21, 2025 12:56 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i6hynp/she_plotted/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-plotted.1541778 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541778

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