Problem #1: lack of clarity. In the past, dating rituals were more transparent and predictable – parents, relatives and friends were involved. Someone would tell a young man about their brother’s wife’s cousin who’s single who would be at some social gathering (which often meant  that somebody had already talked to the single cousin and got their blessing to make this introduction). They would meet at the gathering and be formally introduced to each other. They would do a dance or two at the ball, during which interest (or lack of it) will be communicated through clear signs. Women would drop handkerchief or glove or fan to give the man a valid reason to approach and start a convo, and if they didn’t like the interaction – they would say “Oh I’m so clumsy, now I need to catch up with my girlfriends, you sir have a nice day!”. There was a whole "language" of signs using fan and parasol and flowers that women would use to signal interest, or lack of it. It’s practical and safe. Everyone knew their roles and what they had to do.

But in modern world, dating is turned into Wild West where everyone is doing their thing. Some women say it’s okay to be approached in the street or a café – some consider it impolite and offensive. Some say that you need to know a girl through friends or social circles before you can ask her out. Some are completely against talking to strangers ever. Some think that approaches should only be done via apps, which were designed specifically for that. Some expect flowers on the first date, some don’t. Some expect a fancy restaurant date, some don't. Some conclude the date as job interview, and expect direct and concise answers – some think it’s too rude and boring. Etc.

I get it, all people are different. But the problem is, making the wrong move with the wrong woman  – in modern world, can cost a man. Women these days are taught to not hold back against men, so if you do something that frustrates her (and it can be anything – because everyone is different and you can’t know for sure what this specific woman likes or hates) – she can rain hell on you, metaphorically (with words and emotions, to make you feel guilty and ashamed for not knowing the "basic manners") and literally (harassment accusations, spreading gossip about you, TikTok videos). And she feels justified in doing so.

Now, not all women are like that. But even if it’s only 1 in 4 or 5 – the risk outweighs potential gains, which is why many men get desperate and opt out of trying. They just don’t know what is expected of them in this process anymore. To quote Chester Bennington – “Every step that I take is another mistake to you”. You know how his story ended.

Problem #2: research is showing that women are very picky when it comes to strangers, but if they know someone and feel safe around them – they find those men more attractive. So, it takes women longer to get comfy and develop feelings for a guy. It’s just how their brains are wired. But Hollywood and mass media teach them to expect immediate “spark”, “passion”, which only happens with a very small minority of hottest, most confident and successful guys. If there is no “spark” – woman would lose interest and stop communicating with the man (or just reject him), thus destroying the chance to develop feelings for anyone except the small minority of men. In modern world, where traditional social circles are falling apart, people get detached from each other and don’t spend time with each other without sufficient motivation.

While it’s not that critical for men (men are wired to get sexually attracted to a large portion of women immediately, which motivates them to keep interacting), for women it means they will only fall for guys from the minority, that can instantly trigger their attraction. And other guys will not be allowed into their social circle, unless they're forced there through circumstances, which is rare these days.

When women tell men “to step up their game”, what they mean is “do something to trigger my feelings right now”. But because every woman is telling them to do different things, and sometimes they are punished for those very things (see Problem #1) – men either get confused and discouraged from dating altogether, or they look for more grounded and transparent alternatives (PUA, Red Pill).

It’s not someone’s fault per se, just a chain of developments in modern technology, society and culture, that don’t go well with our nature and produce these outcomes.

I’m not sure there is any practical solution other than being aware how dating works, and why men and women do what they do. It is not solving anything, but at least gives some peace of mind.