I think he told on himself

lessadessa · 2022-02-01T14:12:26+00:00

He loved seeing you beg so he could hurt you by leaving. Just remember that.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-01T12:41:18+00:00

Oh hon. This may be an unpopular opinion but I personally don’t think he wants a submission woman, he wants YOU to submit to him.

If you were a truly meek and mild submissive woman, he would want you to be more aggressive.

It’s all a huge mind fuck to take you down and destroy your self confidence and if you take a step back, you’ll have to admit that it almost worked.

This isn’t about sexual preferences, it’s about him trying to CHANGE you to CONTROL you.

Let him go my beautiful Queen, sometimes rejection is God’s protection.

Sending you love and surrounding you with a white light of protection.

esthermaniii · 2022-02-01T12:25:22+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

He’s definitely exposed how he truly feels and what he wants in a woman.

Sometimes men go for powerful women because they eventually want to be the ones who ‘make them submit’

This situation really sucks. Cry about it and speak to people you trust about how you’re feeling, but know that it’ll pass and you can get over him!

KayrrrRrrr · 2022-02-01T14:51:42+00:00

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materialpleasures · 2022-02-01T12:03:16+00:00

Sounds like the trash took itself out. Please be kind to yourself sweetheart. It's heart wrenching to read and I can't imagine how hurt you must feel at this time but you will get through this. You deserve so much better than a man that leaves you feeling this way. Thinking of you xx

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-01T13:05:50+00:00

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It's devastating when you realise that someone you love isn't who you thought they were.

I think if your intuition is telling you that this is him telling on himself, you should listen to that, as hard and horrible as that is.

Take care. I know it sucks to let go of someone you care about, but you can do this - heal and move on, and find joy and fulfilling love again.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-01T13:19:29+00:00

He told on himself, and you can let the trash take itself out. Probably not what you want to hear, but better y'all break up now than later.

One of the biggest "fuck you"s there can be to patriarchy is being an assertive, outspoken woman. I grew up like this, and it's been a lifesaver. Speaking your mind, telling the truth, asserting boundaries simply runs off low/negative value people of all stripes. Those who know you and love you as you are can count on you to tell the truth. Of course, telling the truth kindly is a life skill.

Being submissive never works in a woman's favor, it always favors men. It means a woman's boundaries are disrespected, and honestly, pushed to its extreme, it can lead to rape and murder. It's a way to objectify a woman, to stereotype her, to sideline her. Big no thanks, I'm the star of my own life, and anyone who doesn't see that, doesn't get to be around me. The moment you center your own wants, needs, and preferences, so many L/NVM just melt away back under their rocks, and pickmes too.

apommom · 2022-02-01T14:22:17+00:00

I know it’s been a few days, but he WILL come back. Please be strong when he does.

creamtart_ · 2022-02-01T12:03:17+00:00

He told on himself. It sucks that he isn’t who you thought he was, but that’s why we say to always vet. Even when he seems wonderful, keep vetting.

Block and delete. Invest in yourself and everything that brings you joy. A (loving, healthy, and equitable) relationship is a bonus on an already fulfilling life.

And read the handbook if you haven’t.

Cthululyn · 2022-02-01T18:15:03+00:00

ALL my love to you, girl. Dont give this man some sit down discussion, for 'closure' and to explain 'his side'. Arrange to drop off his things, and pick up your own. That's it. I walked away from a man very recently, after two years, and I'm an older woman with fewer opportunities. I have never felt this good about myself, so whole and healthy.

Dont be ashamed that he reduced you to begging, you were a hurting, devastated person. But dont you do that again, for any man, for any reason.

the-worst- · 2022-02-01T14:45:18+00:00

He does want a submissive woman, but he doesn't want an already submissive woman. He wants to pull you down. He feigned liking your willpower.

dr_mcstuffins · 2022-02-01T16:06:34+00:00

To force you to submit is his fantasy. You’re a big, beautiful trophy fish with opinions and values you don’t compromise on. To bend you to his will is exactly why he’s with you.

Do not EVER get on your knees to any man ever for the rest of your life. I did it once, 11 years ago, and it is still a traumatic memory for me. I have repeatedly had to readdress it in therapy.

I recommend getting a somatic experiencing professional as a therapist who specializes in attachment work. http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm what you displayed was a very strong fawn response, which indicates childhood or early life trauma. Until you go back in time and figure out where this behavior started, and then process it and redirect your life force energy, you are going to be trapped. When we are shocked and scared enough by something, and his behavior was scary, we will automatically go into one of these responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and feign death. I spent 30 years of my life fawning and it makes you hate yourself, even if it isn’t conscious, and sets you up for severe major depressive disorder and more.

Break up with the monster. Believe at the first huge red flag he has shown you that he is dangerous, and he intends to hurt you emotionally and psychologically. There is no rehabilitating these men, they only get worse with time. His only hope is to enter a domestic violence program for men for a minimum of 6 months but he will need to attend weekly meetings for years the same way alcoholics have to keep going to AA to stay clean. Anger, power, and control are extremely addictive and he got a HUGE rush from what he did to you.

Block and delete, sis. You just experienced genuine emotional and verbal abuse from someone you trusted. Take some time to process, focus on self care, find a somatic experiencing practitioner who focuses on attachment to help unlearn your fawn reflex, and to work on your abandonment issues. I say this with love and as someone who recovered from the exact behaviors you described - you have very real and deep abandonment trauma. Group DBT sessions once a week for several months can move mountains overcoming this, though the attachment issues will need to be resolved as well outside of DBT. A low dose mood stabilizer, on top of my antidepressant, MASSIVELY helped with my extreme reactions to perceived abandonment. I am much more chill now, not in the “cool girl” way, but in the way that confidence and self compassion bring.

Start your treatment now. It will only get worse with time if neglected. It will never, EVER get better ~~with~~ without therapy. This relationship was your wake up call. He targeted you because of how wonderful you are, but also because you haven’t done this work yet. Desperation is a perfume dangerous men can smell and they find it irresistible. Therapy will wash the smell off of you, and leaf to you making healthier mate choices with good, respectful men.

Bullet dodged. He sounds violent. I’m so happy for you that he just ended the relationship for you because the deeper in you get, the harder these men are to escape.

crafeminist · 2022-02-01T16:56:00+00:00

He doesn’t just want someone who’s already submissive, he wants to turn someone submissive.

InspectorGadget07 · 2022-02-01T18:36:19+00:00

“After I scolded you the other day you seemed to feel remorse for your actions, but now I can tell you’re back to being defensive”

This is a red flag. “After I scolded you the other day”, you are not his child or his dog and yet he seems proud of it. It tells you a lot about where he thinks you as a woman should stand relative to him.

“You seemed to feel remorse for your actions”. Once again putting himself in the position as judge of your actions, like you have something to prove to him or like he’s a parent or teacher dealing with a child:

“But now I can tell you’re back to being defensive.” In other words, you’re back to standing your ground and acting in a way I can’t break. An attempt to manipulate your actions and make you prove yourself/ beg by acting sure that they’re defensive and not merely strong/ healthy self esteem. It’s an attempt to control your behavior by coloring your view of it

seymakrs · 2022-02-01T14:05:33+00:00

I think he was negging you. Since you are a strongly opinionated woman, he said men want submissive women. If you were submissive, he was going to say men want strong women. He was just saying, you are not what majority of men want, but I accept you like this, so be appreciative that I even lower myself to be with you.

If he wanted submissive woman, you, begging on your knees would have moved him, wouldn’t it? And I am sorry but I don’t understand how could you do that just for a boyfriend. Actually, I do. It is the negging. It works if you don’t know to look for it. It breaks down your defenses.

Codex-42 · 2022-02-01T14:11:12+00:00

All this to the side, the fact that he didn't stay with you is a good reason to break up. Men's love language is attendance. if you are asking him to stay and he wouldn't - he doesn't care about you.

I'm sorry for being cold, but I think this is the most telling sign, other then him wanting "submissiveness" (the victorian era called).

sacchilax · 2022-02-01T15:52:04+00:00

I personally feel that not only did he tell on himself, but he also revealed to you his plans (that he had already started to put into motion) with YOU. Notice what you said- you are a strong confident opinionated women, and he had your crying, crawling and begging with him. That behavior doesn’t happen overnight. He has slowly and quietly planted seeds of insecurity into you to get you to react this way. Please take a look at where these seeds were planted and how he was able to do this. Men like this are keys looking for holes. You are lucky he revealed himself before you got really locked down (ie: kids or marriage) but please after you leave him focus on plugging those holes!

Muffcakelord · 2022-02-01T13:33:12+00:00

I'm confused because at first i thought yeah, he's correct - most men just want submissive women. But from the way things turned out i guess he didn't see anything wrong with the fact and maybe as you said yourself he was even speaking based on his own feelings and not his assumptions on other men.

I'm so sorry you had to experience this but we may find solace in you having dodged an incompatible man or even NV scrote before spending more time on him. It's genuinely weird to me how you even hit it off to begin with considering you're opinionated and he couldn't even stand a simple argument like this.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-02-01T13:15:29+00:00

At first I thought, maybe he meant that literally, in that I do think most men ostensibly like submissiveness in women, but with a massive caveat: they get bored of submissive women and end up just cheating on them or openly insulting them, while they enjoy breaking down apparently dominant women into being submissive before then fucking their lives up in similar ways. Alternatively maybe he was trying to set himself apart by arguing about how shitty other men are (which is manipulative too, but in a different way).

Then I read the 'caring to explore his feelings' thing. Is this a view he holds as well? Good god. Sorry you ended up begging, OP, but the fact that this conversation happened at least means you'll be able to hopefully find some guy who isn't so micropenised that he'll throw a tantrum and storm out at the mere fact that his girlfriend has an opinion and, in doing so, send her into tears.

Seriously, what a giant pussy. I know you mentioned he's 'respectful and attentive', but I had an ex who also seemed 'respectful and attentive' for the whole time we were together. Turns out he was hiding a massive drinking problem and the only reason he never really pushed back on my opinions wasn't because he agreed with them, but because he was too much of a coward to defend his own (while still holding on to them). He said I made him feel stupid, probably because, in comparison, he was stupid.

The thing about being genuinely respectful and actually wanting a partner who's not submissive is that your partner has to positively engage with your views, rather than merely staying silent in the face of them or pandering to them. There is a way to do that, and you can tell it's happening if you actually can have a debate without them resorting to name calling or running away, as yours did.

I'm actually seething that he got you to beg and then walked out on you again. Like other men who like submissive women, you know his ego's riding high. If you haven't left yet, please please do, partly because I actually do think plenty of men aren't this bad even if they're LV in other ways and mostly because he's obviously not adding value to your life if he's making you cry and beg him and then deliberately manipulating you into submission by leaving again. I also think him leaving multiple times isn't your fault or caused by you being unreasonable (because nothing about arguing that women should be treated like humans and equals is unreasonable), I think he knows him leaving affects you so strongly and enjoys doing it because it makes him feel dominant over you. Arguing with you might not work, but leaving mid argument when you're the most emotionally vulnerable does. If any part of you loves yourself deep down, you have to stand up for yourself and leave.

modernmedusaa · 2022-02-01T18:27:37+00:00

If I hear this submission shit one more time

Literally means they want a woman to act like his second mom and let them cheat / shit all over them

You need to read the handbook

You shouldn’t be on your knees begging for any man.

That’s desperate behaviour.

He sounds like an idiot who wants a slave.

There’s nothing to address about your ‘relationship’

He told on himself, that he wants a submissive slave and now he has you begging on your knees like Oliver Twist?

Your relationship is over. Read the handbook.

ankakana · 2022-02-01T18:13:06+00:00

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JulyParade · 2022-02-01T15:03:38+00:00

I'm so sorry he did this to you. You are strong and will get through this! When the shock wears off you'll start to see all the ways he didn't benefit and support you. His mask dropped and he knows it. Even if your man believed other men want submissive women he would have expressed a bit of distaste at that if he truly wanted a strong women like you. His unhinged messages are the truth here.

I remember when a friend of mine told me that all men want their mother - I was disturbed by it even though it made sense. We are always told to feed a man, to listen to a man, to do all the things for the man. All the advise I had ever gotten about men was real submissive maid energy. And what do we get out of it? They "let" us be strong and assertive as long as they benefit and then expect us to submit when they need to feel powerful! How can a man feel powerful when he does so little for the woman in his life?

spoonxxm · 2022-02-01T16:08:23+00:00

Wait until the weekend? For what? What’s there even to talk about? That man quite literally had you on your knees begging him to stay and you still haven’t blocked him? Girl what are you doing

DarbyGirl · 2022-02-01T17:08:44+00:00

Good. For. You. Stand your ground. You are not in the wrong here and his reaction is so, so telling. Hugs to you queen.

I got similar unhinged messages from my (now) ex when I started wearing makeup again (because I started a new job and wanted to make a good impression). Like paragraphs of mysognistic BS indicating I was "looking for attention" and "all guys think like this" and, man it was surreal.

Tomboy_Chicken · 2022-02-01T12:36:16+00:00

I’m just happy he revealed this side of himself now rather than years down the line. I promise you’ll feel a lot better soon and time truly heals. It’s painful when things seem to be going so well but they crumble. None of this is your fault, and you should be proud of yourself for sticking to your gut and fighting against his statement.

AuroraDullik · 2022-02-01T15:48:11+00:00

Please tell me you are going to break up with him…

ItLou · 2022-02-01T12:40:01+00:00

Girl get it together I don't ever want to hear about you getting on your KNEES BEGGING a man after he tells you that he wants you to SUBMIT to him.

pygmymetal · 2022-02-01T15:56:24+00:00

I’m not going to repeat what others have said. I’m going to address what I think should be your best move after you’ve made the decision to drop him. Let’s say you’ve made that decision and are ready to begin.

Go full no contact. Disappear off social media. Get a new phone number. If you encounter him grey rock him. It’s over.

If you have a chance find the post about an absolute queen who did the ultimate breakup after finding her cheating partner. Silently left, close out accounts, got her stuff, moved to A WHOLE OTHER CITY and disappeared from his life. She’s my hero. Make her yours and reclaim your scrote free life!

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-02-01T16:18:22+00:00

Oh, wow. Sending hugs.

Don Hennessy does an absolutely brilliant and incisive job taking these men's mental processes apart in "How He Gets Into Her Head: the Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser." Please give it a look-through. I bet you find a lot of other traits that ring a bell.

Your instincts here sound spectacular, by the way. Well-done. It sounds like you sensed something was off. You asked, knowing his answer would tell you something about *him* and his view of the world.

His answer did.

You're here wondering how it fits with the reality of who you are and the relationship you've experienced.

It sounds like he's been congratulating himself for "tolerating" or "being able to handle" a woman he genuinely believes most men wouldn't want. (Don't take this in a universal way - every man out there believes every other man out there shares his exact sexu@l proclivities, despite robust evidence to the contrary. The confidence of testosterone!)

I also, as other comments note, think he may be the kind of guy who "gets off" on a "challenge" - taking a grounded, competent, sure-of-herself gal and reducing you to "your natural feeeeemale state" (i.e., broken, scattered, too exhausted to be mentally sharp, begging him for money, isolated and unloved by everyone you currently have, trading s&x for peace, food for the kids, money to buy clothes without holes, etc.).

Something to keep in mind is that when any trait of yours becomes "performative" in a relationships - which is to say, if you feel you are performing being "a confident woman" or "a woman who takes no bull" in a relationship, regardless of how much he's praising that ... please note that. It's often you subconsciously realizing that this part of you (which can exist just as well without being trotted out in front of him every five minutes) is under fire and you're responding defensively by pushing it out there. A man who loves you as the person you are will create a feeling of peace and wholeness in you internally - you can simply rest in the relationship as your full self, not feel that you have to bookmark moments when you're performing your personality and looking to see how he responds.

I'm so glad you've seen this side of him now. It hurts, but well-done. Your future self will be so grateful to now-you for this boldness and persistence.

swaylyn · 2022-02-01T16:28:17+00:00

WOOOW!

In essence:

It went from bf is on the up and up yay

To a natural discussion about what xyz wants which was actually a coded what I want(??) which then revealed that you two are not compatible and that based on your update he was going to use this incident to bend you into what he wanted because he planted the seed now he was ready to water it to fruition.

I understand feeling floored OP. That was sudden on your end. Delayed on his end. All I could think while reading was that he really was putting on a GOOD act for you until he saw an opening to forward his agenda. Tale as old as time unfortunately.

When he says YOU were being selfish and ignoring his feelings. That’s when I knew he was just like the rest. Entitled individuals always call you selfish when you stand up for yourself and it goes against what THEY want and the boundries they want to encroach on.

saint-jezebel · 2022-02-01T15:49:56+00:00

Most men want a submissive woman but what they really mean is they want a woman without a spine who’s essentially a doormat who will be walked all over. Most of these men don’t understand that in order for a woman to submit he has to submit too.

When you described him, all I saw was an act. He acted in a specific way to determine how to bring you down. Now that he’s gotten there, he thinks he got you. There is nothing you can say to him at this point. Your best bet is to just leave in silence.

ConstantNurse · 2022-02-01T20:50:43+00:00

This reminds me of a wayward comment from 50+ year old than me co-worker when I was…wait for it.. 17. I, too, was/am an outspoken person and am quick witted. We had some pretty wayward banter towards each other, often yanking each other’s chain. He was a crochety old man, something I didn’t let him forget.

After one of our more long winded back and forths, he told me that I was like a wild mustang and he pitted the guy that would try to break me. (For the record, breaking is essentially training/domesticating a horse). I quipped back with “Well, that sounds like a good way to get trampled.”

But there is something to be said about that comment. Men see women as potential accomplishments. They want a women who is “wild” in order to force her into the mold they want. This, again, proves a the very predatory attitude that abusive men have towards women.

Erocitnam · 2022-02-02T08:25:22+00:00

Wonder how he would have reacted if you told him you liked men to be submissive. Also who the fuck does he think he is, that he's in a position to "scold" you? What an idiot.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-02-01T16:12:23+00:00

Don't blame yourself. Most men will latch onto any woman who will tolerate them, even women they hate.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-01T18:36:48+00:00

He showed you his true face . Leave in your mind body and soul .

ShittyPianist · 2022-02-01T23:01:35+00:00

Yeet him out of your life. Some men will act super sweet until they know they have you, and then their true colors come out. He's an emotionally abusive piece of crap and he probably gets off on the idea of breaking you down into submission - I've had a few exes like this.

He's not worth another minute of your time.

Get some friends, go to his place, get your stuff. Have those same friends help pack up his stuff and leave it outside your door and tell him to pick it up. Don't even bother trying to talk this out with him. This type loves to date me and I can tell you right now that it's not worth trying to get him to see your side - he only wants to break you down.

moonlighthealers · 2022-02-01T22:47:16+00:00

You've received a lot of wonderful comments with good advice but I just want to quickly add that I noticed in your edit that you're planning on having a final sit-down conversation with him this weekend. I understand instinctively needing that form of closure but if you're meeting at his place please bring along a trusted friend/family member with you, preferably someone who's physically intimidating. Same thing goes for whenever you drop off his things or pick up your belongings for the last time.

He might not let your companion into his home but him just having the knowledge that you have someone who cares about your wellbeing waiting outside can be good enough to deter him from escalating the situation. This man has already exposed himself as being emotionally manipulative and we all know well and good that the most dangerous time in an abused woman's life is when she finally leaves. Also change the locks at your place just to be safe, I'm so proud of you for recognizing the signs and getting out before it gets worse.

realityruinedit · 2022-02-02T00:56:08+00:00

Block, delete, and send a burly man to his place with all his belongings and retrieve yours. Anything else from him and you ignore it. Block whatever new channels he finds if he does.

If he doesn’t leave you alone file a restraining order.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-02-01T16:01:59+00:00

With peace and love - Tbh I really don’t think you should be dating if your self-esteem or whatever psychological splinter you have leads you to going down on your knees begging for a man’s XYZ

DiosaCordilia · 2022-02-01T16:27:21+00:00

Oh no.. This sounds so sad. Sending you lots of love. Stay strong and don't fucking bow down to him. He thinks your defensive because you have boundaries and he wants you to become HIS doormat. Fuck him, not literally.

Intelligent_Panda309 · 2022-02-01T14:11:58+00:00

Why are you still writing boyfriend? You admit that you were on your knees begging a man to stay over and he didn’t… just because you tried to enforce your boundaries and you’re still caught up in the wording of his submissive thing? He doesn’t respect you and after that… he will know he can walk all over you now. It’s over. I would dump him before he dumps you, although seems like you may be broken up already by his actions..

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-01T21:21:51+00:00

Trash took itself out. We don’t fix sick men. You cannot argue for hours and be on your knees begging (after he said he wants a submissive woman), and expect any change. Move on for YOUR sake. Focus on being the HVW you know you can be, because we are not desperate here.

MrJohnBusiness · 2022-02-01T21:45:51+00:00

"After I SCOLDED you?" Like a misbehaving child?! Oh, no. He belongs in the trash. I'm so sorry for what you're going through <3

Salt_Satisfaction · 2022-02-02T12:12:32+00:00

"What men (in general) want is submissive women"

"...to which he replied that I was being selfish in making the discussion about myself!! Rather than caring to explore his feelings"

So which one is it then? So men in general (but not him) want submissive women, but then he wants to talk more about it because those are his "feelings"? Sounds like it was his thoughts all along. He also used that type of pseudo-therapist language. Ugh.

"After I scolded you the other day you seemed to feel remorse for your actions..."

Excuse me? You scold children, not adult women, much less your own girlfriend. He sounds so arrogant and pretentious.

My theory is that he resented that you were so opinionated. He dropped the submissive term and the "scolding" sentence as a veiled message of how much he disliked it.

"tells me I've inspired him to find his own core and self respect"

This would have been iffy for me. When men say this it sounds like they were waiting for a woman to fix them, teach them how to be a good person... etc. If he was a HVM he would have detected that he was lacking in those things and he would have already been trying to fix them by the time he met you.

jijitsu-princess · 2022-02-02T14:40:36+00:00

I’m shattered with you. Please know that you are in my thoughts as you navigate this breakup.

LucidityJ0nes · 2022-02-01T14:24:10+00:00

After he...scolded....you? Like you're a child? Yeah, no. You deserve so much better than that.

twinwho · 2022-02-01T14:35:55+00:00

Men do not want submissive women. They want to destroy, dominate and conquer. And a strong woman who puts up a fight is the most stimulating to destroy. He’s testing to see if you’re strong enough to leave him and stand on your own without him. He’s testing your strength. He’s disrespecting you and trying to conquer your mind.

You acted on how you felt, and you needn’t feel badly about it. When you love a man the way a woman loves, it will bring you to your knees. He’s designed that way - to seek power, while you seek love. It’s hard to accept men as they are. It makes us question how we could even be attracted to someone, who in the face of love as pure and beautiful as yours would instead seek to destroy. But this is the plight of man through history, and we must accept it to set ourselves free.

He’s not worth shit, and he knows it, so he moves to ownership of a woman when he feels insecure — quickly, before you can sense his insecurity. They seek a power move. Women, when feeling insecure, seek self improvement, character building and morality; they express their feelings and thoughts and seek equal footing and respect. Women may get on their knees to try to lessen their own power. Men— move in the opposite direction: domination. That’s why you’re here reflecting, and he’s off not self reflecting and living his life in bliss right now, with an ego high from a woman on her knees for him. He’s that simple minded. See the difference?

Once you see it, once you get angry and repulsed at the way it is, and accept it, you can look down on them and know, that subtextually he was actually begging on his knees for you to dominate him, while speaking the opposite. Because weak men know: if they are not dominated by a woman, these men will destroy. They have no morality to keep them anchored, centered, peaceful and whole, the way a woman does. And he knows he could never measure up to you. When a man moves to dominate, he is begging to be dominated; he knows he’s losing control.

But know, this is a weak man whose insecurity is being triggered by you. He’s revealed this. And you have revealed your strength to yourself— by standing back up, reflecting, and moving forward.

When you leave? A weak man burns in his own destruction. When you stay? He burns you. Why? Remember this: because he can.

melympia · 2022-02-01T21:10:15+00:00

Oh dear, he showed you clearly who he is deep down. You better believe him now...

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but at the same time, at least it happened before you're trapped in any way - or so I assume.

But what he's doing is taking a big, fat jab at you. You're not submissive enough? Well, fuck that noise. If he wanted a submissive woman, he should have dated one. Not a queen who does not hold back. Or - maybe he felt you were more of a challenge, and felt up to said challenge in dominating and controlling you? It's a possibility that cannot be discarded.

Never mind that he was trying to "resolve" this while he had you emotionally unbalanced - a serious red flag. Because in that state, you're easier to manipulate and thus, easier to control. Because your boundaries might be less firm when you're in turmoil.

All of this makes me question his behavior up to date - was it, maybe, the love-bombing of an abuser and/or narc?

Healingirl · 2022-02-01T21:45:25+00:00

Omg he is trying to punish you and shut you down so that he can control you! Block and delete honestly. The things you have at his place are only material stuff!! Be strong! You'll realize the entirety of the emotional abusive when you are gone because I am sure he told on himself previously. Maybe if you analyze the way you were arguing. Was he responsive to you? Was he making everything about himself? Was he playing victim? Was he manipulative? Was he giving you the silent treatment to make you regret speaking up?

asocialsocialite · 2022-02-02T04:52:56+00:00

He's right about one thing.

LVM do want submissive women. The problem is that LVM think that all men are LV like they are, and get very defensive and concerned when they see a man that isn't. Their methods of getting a submissive woman aren't direct though - actually submissive women are the ones that they bypass. They go for women that don't put up with their shit and psychologically abuse them later.

OP, I'm going to be a little harsh with you for a second: Don't you ever in your f-ing life beg for a man again. When you beg and cry, you give a man the hugest erection that they're ever going to get. That combination of ego and the fantasy of a crying woman makes getting through to them impossible. When you're on a high note, leave and keep him guessing. He gets value from being the magical penis that can make a tough woman beg for him and cry for him. You know how do men who act like that? You treat them like they're insignificant. Since you're a strong, capable, opinionated woman, you can find someone that's man enough to handle that.

You block, you delete, and you let that big head of his deflate or explode. He will unquestionably come back because he got drunk on the delusion of him breaking you down, and you better not even think about taking him back - which is again, why you need to block him. You should have blocked him yesterday. Don't answer your door to him, don't do anything for him. From this moment on, that fucking guy is dead to you. If you take him back, he's going to beat the hell out of you later on. If you have a male relative or friend (or a female friend that is armed), go to his place, get your things, and don't say a single word to him.

espressomeowtini · 2022-02-01T14:20:31+00:00

I am so sorry. It sounds like he wants you to “submit” to him so he can essentially win by breaking you (depraved, I know). I am a very opinionated woman as well and I’ve been in this situation before. I think you should cut your losses and move on, and find someone who isn’t so insecure of your strength and confidence that he has to play games to get himself the upper hand. It will only get worse with time if you stay with him, now that his mask has dropped.

sarradarling · 2022-02-01T16:31:01+00:00

Just the fact that he caused you to lose resolve and cry or beg is enough reason to call it

SteadyCandlelight · 2022-02-01T14:44:11+00:00

The moment they pull their Jackyl and Hyde is truly devastating. I’ve been in your shoes, one day my sweet, caring boyfriend of 3 years (mid college age) just switched. I was floored too. I also begged, sadly. That is the cognitive dissonance’s reaction.

The question is how not to deepen you cognitive dissonance as it is. I found myself in such a state that I forgave him and stayed. Wrong! However, I’m afraid you, too, will find yourself unblocking.

If I were to speak to my former, shocked self, I’d tell her to go fully no contact even if she can’t block now. It’s a way to ease the no contact stage until you can settle the cognitive dissonance and realize he was trash in many other ways (they always are).

annie222222 · 2022-02-01T16:55:43+00:00

The “when I scolded you…” Please read “why does he do that?” It’s about the mindset of abusive men, and I do think men fall along a spectrum of severity here, but the mentality can manifest in psychological abuse like this.

Men believe they are entitled to control women. When a woman criticizes a man, he punishes her for it.

Criticizing is usually what starts normal fights between people and he seems to have been able to act normally until now. But the telling “when I scolded you…” his view is that he has a right to punish you for saying something he didn’t like, or that he took as a criticism.

You don’t want to live with this mindset for the rest of you life, even if it manifests in psychological not physical hurt in you: feeling like you are “the crazy one” will honestly make you crazy. Huge hug.

j-allen-heineken · 2022-02-01T20:06:09+00:00

Men like strong women because they love the idea of controlling a strong woman. They don’t like strong woman who don’t “belong” to them, they like the idea of being so strong that they can make a strong woman submit to them.

growandthro · 2022-02-01T20:44:42+00:00

You’re worth more than that! How is not being subservient to someone “hurting their feelings”?? If he wanted a pickme he didn’t have to try to “tame” you or whatever. God I can’t stand guys who try to “dominate” by emotional blackmail, you don’t even sound dominating. He’s basically trying to hold you hostage with the time and effort you’ve put into the relationship which probably explains why you begged him not to go, it’s understandable that you wanted to protect your investment and had thoughts about him contradicting what he truly is. Hopefully no one will ever be able to do this again. How long did this scorte wait to “turn you”.

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ProgramUnfair4738 · 2022-02-01T14:02:34+00:00

So sorry for your heartbreak. It’s truly shit when this happens after you feel as though they’re decent. I’ve had this with a LVM who told on himself by (out of nowhere) idealising Hugh Hefner and saying how amazing his playboy mansion setup was. As it later turned out, he was a complete and utter arsehole. I hope you take good care of yourself during this. Definitely trust your intuition, though.

eatsumsketti · 2022-02-01T17:58:27+00:00

Aw, I'm sorry this is happening. Run. There is a wonderful partner out there for you who won't force you to submit or treat you like a child and dismiss your feelings.

This one ain't it.

hashtaggoodvibesonly · 2022-02-02T02:37:43+00:00

Sorry my girl.

You know you are right, trust your intuition! Take the time you need and when you're ready. Do eat you gotta do♥️

You know you're right and you know you are strong enough for what you got to do

dkwantsdk · 2022-02-01T16:02:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	I think he told on himself
Author	ankakana
Upvotes	887
Comments	159
Date	February 1, 2022 11:48 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sht4r9/i_think_he_told_on_himself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-think-he-told-on-himself.1098528 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098528

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