Speaking from personal and observational experience, why do you think most men have trouble getting dates ?

Neither_Coconut · 2021-01-27T17:14:28+00:00

Reasons I have rejected men/didn’t swipe on men online:

1- Lack of effort on their profile (low light, poor quality pictures, no writing in their profile except a random string of letters and/or emojis to meet the character minimum

2- I wasn’t attracted to them (I make an effort to swipe right on every man that has a decently worded profile, seemingly aligned values (isn’t holding up blunts or has racist language), looks clean & tidy, doesn’t have F boy bio or vibes). If you look like an unkempt sewer rat, it’s an automatic left

3- One word opening messaging

Reasons I’ve rejected men I’m already in contact with OLD or RL:

1- Unkempt sewer rat

2- Poor communication (I prefer less to more but if I don’t hear from you across days without an explanation beforehand, it’s a no)

3- Pervy, lewd, racist, or disrespectful comments, conversations, or pictures

4- Boring... boring in that he doesn’t even try, not that our interests don’t align

alwaysonalongtrip · 2021-01-27T16:45:22+00:00

It seems like a chunk of men think porn and video games are more fun than a relationship with a woman that's enticing enough that she would want sex.

They are allowed to have whatever preferences/life goals they want so not making a value statement, that's just what it seems like is happening.

Sage_Planter · 2021-01-27T16:30:59+00:00

It's not a simple answer, and I don't think there's a simple solution. Here's a few reasons why I think men have trouble getting dates:

1) There's the issue of supply and demand. In OLD, men outnumber women to some ridiculous 8:1 degree depending on the app. It's a terrible strategy to place all your dating efforts into OLD if you're a man (in non-pandemic times), yet that seems the primary way most men try to meet women. I do think it's a valid way to meet women, but it shouldn't be the only way a man tries to meet women. Pair Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel with Meetups and cooking classes (post-pandemic).

2) There's a lot of competition, not just with Chads. This is something I think men should pay more attention to. Too many men chalk it up to "I'm not hot enough," but there's a big effort element they're not considering. As an example, men who say they don't want to invest in impressing a woman (i.e. by paying for a dinner date) will be passed over for a man who is going to invest in impressing a woman. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not, that's the reality of dating.

3) There's men who put in bare minimum effort but still expect results. I'll swipe right on someone who's not terribly attractive if their profile has nice photos, looks put together, and has a well-written profile. I will not swipe right on someone who's not terribly attractive if their profile features poorly taken photos, poorly fitting clothes, and a poorly-written profile. All I think is if you can't be bothered to care about creating your profile to meet someone, why would you be bothered to put effort into a relationship? I'd say 75%+ of men's OLD profiles are trash. "I've been on Tinder and Bumble for months with no matches" should mean nothing if you've put no effort into making a good first impression.

4) There are men who don't know how to talk to women. This applies to men both online and offline, and this is where I'd say I truly "reject" most men. If you're on a dating app saying things like "Hey hot stuff ur such a hottie," that's going to turn many women off (but so many men do it). Men forget there are women who want to be spoken to differently. I unmatch with any man who says anything remotely sexual, overly flirty too early, negging, rude... etc. You'd probably be shocked by the number of men who start talking about their dick right away or who pretty much insult you within the first five minutes. Also, if you can't carry a conversation on an app, a woman's going to unmatch with you to focus on men who are.

5) There's a lack of commitment. This could apply to both men and women, but I have no experience dating women. I've gone on many first/second dates with men who have ghosted me then come out of the woodwork (when whatever with whoever else) fell through asking for a second chance. I've gone on many first/second/third... dates with men who are still keeping their options open. I'm over all this, and I now say no to those situations. I'm not saying don't take time getting to know someone, and I'm not saying be exclusive on the second date, but this whole situationship, FOMO, one foot in one foot out culture isn't doing anyone any favors. Like someone after a few dates? Just commit to them for a bit and see where it goes.

GGMcThroway · 2021-01-27T16:41:33+00:00

Not running in social circles with women who they really do think of as just friends.
Seeing dating as means to an end instead of enjoying the ride itself.
Not having standards (meaning: willing to date literally anyone who shows even an iota of interest).
Not taking lifestyle into account.
Not seeing compatibility with a romantic partner as important.
Insecurity.
Not putting as much effort into their own appearance as they expect their partner to.

People want to feel desired as individuals. If someone wants to date you just for the sake of having a partner with a certain set of characteristics, you're going to feel that they see you as interchangeable with every other member of your "group".

People want to click with their partner. No one is compatible with everyone. It's easier to click with someone when you feel the other person is being authentic and not just saying what they think you want to hear.

Romantic partners are not entities you can just assume will do certain things for you by virtue of having a certain set of characteristics.

A healthy relationship involves healthy open communication and both partners putting in around the same amount of effort.

All the above things are technically gender neutral, but women are generally socialized to be more cognizant of them. A worrying number of guys don't understand that they won't be compatible with most other people (whether romantically or platonically; and this is the case for literally everyone) and it just exacerbates their problems with finding women.

AbnormalBias · 2021-01-27T17:47:48+00:00

Most men aren't attractive to women ( 80/20 rule ), and nowadays men don't have as much economic leverage over women, so women have no incentive to date the vast majority of men beyond the very rare instance of serendipitous emotional compatibility, which in itself doesn't necessarily translate to sexual attraction.

PreparationWorried33 · 2021-01-27T17:30:59+00:00

1) I could tell he was bad news 2) he tried pushing for sex too fast 3) nothing in common 4) gave off fuck boy vibes

Pillmaxx · 2021-01-27T20:26:12+00:00

they're not showering enough and not staying hydrated.

they have heights < 6' and/or looks < 8/10

non neurotypical behavior, hobbies, and interests

poor eye area

non-billionaires

singlecargaragecels

LittyKitsune · 2021-01-27T17:11:44+00:00

One roadblock I've witnessed quite a few times irl is combination of oneitis, oversharing with other people, and hesitation.

These are three forces that I've seen come together to screw a guy over so much. A lot of "should I ask her out," asking 5 different friends if he should do it, accidentally lights a fire under one of his friend's asses to ask the girl before hesitator finally has the stones to do it. Spends inordinate amount of time wondering "what if" and having regrets that could be used looking for the next one.

thelajestic · 2021-01-27T17:19:37+00:00

Because it seems really common for guys to open with dick pics, begging*, or crap like "wuu2" "wu warin" "u hrny".

Maybe this is from too many rejections and they've now given up even attempting to interact like a normal human being, but it's still exceptionally off-putting. Also conversation that runs like an interrogation.

In person.. negging still quite a big thing. Or hanging around one person who clearly isn't interested and not just taking no for an answer and moving on to someone else. If you spend half your night trying to ask out someone that isn't interested it's just a time waste. Also putting women on pedestals and being much too much during initial interactions. I had a brief fb who was moaning that no one wanted to date him, every time he started to they would ditch him really quickly. It turned out he was ramping it up to 100% immediately - texting constantly, continuing to text when they hadn't replied, wanting to see them daily after a first date. Just being really smothering. But he would not accept that might be putting people off 🤷

I think generally if you view women as people that you can enjoy the company of in a non-sexual way, you're generally going to be okay. But seemingly a lot of guys haven't had that kind of socialisation and just don't know how to act.

*Just realised that autocorrected to begging. I meant negging but tbh they both work 😅

iloveyoubutyou · 2021-01-27T16:01:28+00:00

Reasons I have rejected men

•Not attracted (majority of cases)

•They were a fuck boy and tried to hook up with me in their dorm within an hour of meeting me (18 years old)

•They sexually harassed me (14 years old)

•Other girls told me to reject them because the guy had a reputation (14 years old)

Substantial_Wasabi · 2021-01-27T17:39:55+00:00

Reasons i've rejected the advances/ didn't continue with some men:

They don't put enough effort into their appearance/effort into dates. Why would i want to go to your house for a first meet? This might have been acceptable in college but not in the real world.
Are too invested/fake in the beginning: Overly uncomfortably complimentary, only asks questions about me and my interests/views and then seemingly try to mirror my likes/interests to get me to like them more. Sometimes a date/conversation will feel like an interview where they're just constantly asking questions one after another, and agreeing with everything i say. Already saying things like "if we were to be together...." on the first/second meet or convo.
Lack confidence/abundance: Men who are visibly nervous during our first date are kind of a turnoff, (its not like im going to bite you dude, whats the worse that will happen?. Men who go along with everything you say and are scared to disagree, men who you can tell are going out of their way to attempt to impress you by mentioning boring achievements/future plans i dont care about. Men who apologize too much for the slightest offense/overly explain themselves for a small error i didnt even realize.
They were too sexual/cocky upfront: Making overly suggestive comments/moves on our first date/conversation. Trying to not so discreetly neg me/try to get me to qualify myself for them in various ways.

superlurkage · 2021-01-27T16:00:16+00:00

They say lewd, perverted, selfish, cruel, insensitive or bigoted things.

That and being terminally boring/dangerous are the only reasons I’ve turned down further dates with a man I was getting to know

sweetestpineapple · 2021-01-27T16:55:51+00:00

From experience, the guys I know that struggle the most have noticeable resentment toward women and an overall negative attitude. They also tend to be stubborn and react badly when you give them suggestions, even if they asked in the first place. Even if they claim otherwise, their standards are more rigid: smaller age range, less willing to travel a small distance, above average looks/financial requirements (even for ONS).

Prize-Thought-4205 · 2021-01-27T19:55:39+00:00

OLD doesn't work.

Have great hygiene, take care of your body physically, eat & sleep right. Take care of your mind mentally, cold approach (focus on having fun, entertaining yourself & asking the women out on action dates), always be escalating physically a little. If you don't get a girlfriend within 2 months of talking to a women displaying some interest back DM me.

If its a women you never see often always go for calling/facetime or you don't exist to them period, dozens of guys text & they assume you don't really give a **** about them, you're one of many. If you do this its alright if you don't only text for logistics.

IMO most men who can't get a girlfriend, let alone dates with women almost always have some form of trouble with confidence, security, self esteem, or something... almost always. Most people aren't good at identifying the source of it like a therapist can so they're stuck in that place for years. Will lifting weights & building a great body help? Sure but just like depression the source of it is still there.

IcarusKiki · 2021-01-27T23:59:44+00:00

Porn and video games and technology has made less incentive to go outside and socialize/hunt for pussy. Many men rather play the newest call of duty then spend time and effort going out. Back 40 years ago pretty much the only entertainment out there was TV and other people so people were forced to socialize instead of hole up in their room.
Helicopter parenting turning kids into pussies, promoting blue pill thinking and preventing kids from acquiring social skills needed to interact with women.
Dating apps have shielded men from rejection while also stratiftying results: this leads men into a cycle of desperately swiping futilely while refusing to approach since it involves rejection.
Wealth inequality stratifying men based on status, before an awkward dude could be a beta bux and could afford to socialize and support a family instead of taking a 45 hour a week job just to pay for his survival. Being a work drone doesn’t leave you leisure time to peruse women.
Me too era making it weird to approach women: only old, social circle game, and night game is socially acceptable - most guys who can’t get girls are awkward introverts anyways so they won’t go out to clubs.
Not putting effort into appearance. Lots of guys don’t bother with looking decent. They’re fat, don’t lift, don’t wear fitting clothes, don’t have basic hygiene.
A lot have just given up and don’t try with women and haven’t ever tried with women.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-01-27T19:30:46+00:00

It's obviously a very specific issue... but the thing I see most commonly is that men REALLY come across as insincere when showing interest. Like someone else said... meaningless comments, catcalls, pickups, etc. or anything that seems scripted just makes it seem like you want to use us. Buy a fleshlight.

Also, you can always tell when a man who has a real problem with women is trying to hit on you. Lose your bitterness and your AWALT.

SaBahRub · 2021-01-27T17:21:36+00:00

They open their mouths and bad things come out.

This is why I never worry about being tempted to cheat on my partner

Reisiluu · 2021-01-27T18:03:23+00:00

In general it's because those men are either completely oblivious to their flaws or they know there is room to improve but don't think it's very important. And even if the guy is decent, sometimes what he is offering is not what women are looking for. Only a minority of men's advances towards me have been about dating. Most of the time it's just them begging for sex whilst offering nothing.

I have rejected men for

being too old
expecting casual sex from me
having deformities or health problems
being bald
disregarding my boundaries
taking months to make their feelings known
having an unattractive face and voice
assuming I'm stupid

The last one was surprisingly common among young guys in uni. No, I don't need to copy your homework or have you show me how it's done because I'm in mensa and you had to brainstorm with all your friends to figure it out. It's not attractive when guys highlight how they are worse at something than you and underestimate you at the same time.

wtknight · 2021-01-27T16:40:42+00:00

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crookedsummer2019 · 2021-01-27T17:09:46+00:00

Lack of a mixed gender social group. Literally every guy I have known who is a part of a mixed gender social circle has had girlfriends they met either within their circle or from an extended circle ie met at a party or event, or hobby or group chat etc that their social circles was a part of. There may be other reasons but I’m thinking of what I have personally observed.

I personally find men and women who have both male and female friends tend to be more socially intelligent and interesting people. I don’t know if being in mixed gender groups caused that or their personalities just lead them to prefer to not limit their social group to just one gender.

The most interesting guys I have dated have been from mixed gender social groups.

MaterialRoom5665 · 2021-01-27T19:13:09+00:00

From my own personal experience, the men I've observed that have difficulty getting dates because:

They are not asking girls on dates. The HIGH AMOUNT of times I learned months or years after the fact that a guy who was either a classmate, an acquaintance and/or part of a larger friend group that was interested in me but did absolutely nothing about it. The sad part is, I would have agreed to a date with each of them if they had just asked. My last relationship (before my current one) was with a guy who had been too nervous to ask me out for the entirety of college. We ended up having a one year relationship that was mostly positive. Maybe it would have gone differently if he had just asked me on a date.
A lot of men put little effort into being there best self in terms of grooming, confidence, how they dress, overall health (you don't need to be ripped to look good and be generally fit) and how they present themselves. Dress well, be clean, smell good, don't be fat.
They also put little effort into finding hobbies or generally having something to talk about. I've been on a lot of first dates where if I wasn't talking there was silence. When I would ask a question about literally anything, the answer was "I don't know" and then there was complete silence unless I started another conversation. Honestly, it was beyond boring and made even the hottest guy become a complete dud in my eyes. My best dating and relationship experiences have always been with the guys who had something interesting to talk about or were passionate about something that I also enjoyed talking about.
Lack of interest in discussing what they are looking for OR being dishonest about intentions because it's easier. While you obviously aren't going to talk about getting married on the first date, I'm always upfront that I only date with the intention of marriage. I don't want to date aimlessly without the purpose of settling down. That's just not me. In my experiences, I've learned that I need to bring this up earlier and earlier as a means of vetting. Thankfully my current boyfriend really liked that I brought it up on our first date. I wish I had done this sooner in past relationships to vet people out of the running sooner.

Snacksbreak · 2021-01-27T16:52:37+00:00

Well first off I don't think "most men" can't get dates. Most men can and do get dates and LTRs.

For the subset of men that struggle, there could be a lot of different reasons. They might be unattractive, socially extremely awkward (perhaps neurodivergent, perhaps not), shooting above their league, or just have a shit personality. I've seen all of the above.

I've rejected men for any and all of those reasons. I've also heard from male friends about rejections they've experienced and could surmise it is likely for the above reasons.

AngelWeyesDelRey · 2021-01-27T20:02:48+00:00

Unpleasant or boring personality, no chemistry, cant picture them as a future husband/father of my children, not sexually attracted to them.

Aldabruzzo · 2021-01-27T16:05:15+00:00

Because some men don't ask many out women, or they ask out women in the wrong places. Rejection is hard. I can't really blame men for this. They'll have to deal with a few dry spells just like I did. But instead of just dealing with it by focusing on themselves, men get on the internet to complain or they go purchase sex since that's all they really care about anyway (EWW).

OH, or they reject perfectly good women who give indications of interest. "She's too desperate" or "she gave it up too easily" or "I'm into skinny-thicc blonde Stacies" or something like that.

why have you rejected the advances of those men

I have personally rejected men who seemed to be over-flattering me, men who negged me, or men who couldn't talk about anything except dating me. I wanted to date someone with shared interests. If I didn't have that, I rejected men. I also rejected men who were overly sexual too quickly- that's just not me. I rejected men who weren't what I was looking for, as I should.

The reason that I say men don't ask many women out is because I've rarely been approached in a bar, or in a room full of probably-single engineering majors. They weren't all bad looking. Perhaps quiet and shy, since I barely heard a peep from them, but they weren't bad looking. I could have seen myself falling for half these guys. Funny, I actually had some very pleasant interactions with the ones who spoke to me! However, most didn't approach me. I'm a bit more intimidating than many women, I admit. Sadly, if I had approached my engineering classmates, I would have been labeled the desperate, creepy nerd girl. That's what happened to me in high school. Anyway, men miss 100% of the shots they don't take. Socialization and being sociable is key. Same for women, by the way. I could get casual sex offers from Tinder, just like men could pay for sex, but DATES are another story. That requires social skills.

OLD is a pool of mostly men and female bots. You're gonna have a bad time there, although I guess if nothing else works you can try. Do continue to work on your social circle game, though.

Note: even though I've seen guys that are good looking, most can still work on their sense of style and their grooming. Do work on that if dating is a concern.

Mydadisbi69 · 2021-01-27T18:30:41+00:00

I think its a mish-mash of reasons. It does seem to be true that most men struggle to even get a woman's attention and have to cycle through a lot of rejection on dating apps. I don't know why that is, I think its sad there are a lot of women who seek validation on these apps but have no actual interest in dating. Anyway, I think its a combination of reasons, some of them being out of the man's control. All I could suggest to do is not act super clingy and try and improve on your looks as much as you can. I haven't dated a whole lot in my life and never used a dating app.

sharkbyte_15 · 2021-01-28T06:16:50+00:00

For multiple reasons

Women can get dates soely from their looks alone making dating a whole lot easier for them as most women simply have to look good to be attractive to a man and while the opposite way around can be true it doesnt happen as often due to women having lower sex drives this means that less men will get dates even if their handsome
Women tend to have a whole checklist of "must haves" before dating a guy and if he doesn't meet all or most of those must haves hes out of the question
Since men are expected to be the ones to ask out women this leads many men without dates as some are too nerveous or dlscared to ask out the girls they like for fear of rejection and sometimes another guys asks out the girl they lie before they do leading to them now unable to ask her out at all

Those are just to name a few reasons but thats bassically the basics

learn2earn89 · 2021-01-27T18:07:47+00:00

I’ve never dated but from what my friends who have dated or are currently dating— a lot of guys take terrible pics online, so they look like they’re not even trying. They have weird, borderline tasteless descriptions in their online dating profiles.

From off-line dating: I have a few very attractive friends—the guys who hit on them are often not very attractive. Either really short and balding. There’s nothing inherently wrong with those kind of men...it’s just that my hot friends are getting hit on by these guys. My average looking friends are married or have been in long term relationships forever. My ugly friends and myself (also ugly) get hit on maybe once every two years at best. We know most of the time these guys aren’t genuinely attracted to us, so we don’t engage. We know they’re just horny.

HoneyGlazedRoastie · 2021-01-27T21:52:53+00:00

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iloveyoubutyou · 2021-01-27T17:53:08+00:00

A tip for online dating: Be interesting. Even if you are attractive I’m not even going to consider talking to you if all you say is “hi wyd”.

Put something in your bio that draws people in. That gives people something to talk about that isn’t their day. For example, one guy had a bio which said “I bet you can’t guess my major” and it was fun guessing what his major was. I ended up more interested in him in the end.

Too bad he wanted us to “watch movies” at his house, which is pretty much code for sex and premaritial sex is against my religion.

reluctantly_red · 2021-01-27T19:46:28+00:00

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Mrs_Drgree · 2021-01-27T16:14:17+00:00

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Mrs_Drgree · 2021-01-27T17:59:13+00:00

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Willow-girl · 2021-01-28T07:02:10+00:00

I think a lot of men are just too timid to bust a move.

PlanetSquare · 2021-01-28T23:46:25+00:00

I think there are tons of reasons why a guy might be having issues finding a date.

They might be overestimating their own smv/rmv and only going after girls way above their league.

Maybe they go for women that would be about in their league but they turn them off because they are so obviously only settling for them because they can't get with the people they really want. An example would be I remember seeing this one post in r/niceguys or something like it where this one dude had gotten this women's number but was socially inept and immediately dropped the ball saying that he was basically settling for her and wasn't very into single mothers or something like that, and so she said she wasn't very interested in dating someone who felt they had to settle for her and wished him luck. He threw a hissy fit saying "Well just wait until you're 35 and nobody wants you!" and she replied "oh honey, I'm 35 right now"

Maybe they are rude, sexist, racist or show other red flags early on that makes them undesirable.

Maybe they are pornsick and it shows.

Maybe they are ugly, have acne or greasy hair. They might have a complete disregard for aesthetic and looks on top of having an average to below average starting point, making them seem even more unkept. Maybe they wear wrinkly clothes they had on the floor with the only criteria being that it wasn't smelling. They might be short, overweight, or underweight, with an unharmonious face.

Maybe they are a highschool dropout with hobbies that only include gaming all night and masturbating.

Maybe they work in a dead-end minimum wage job and have no ambition to ever grow from there, making them an unattractive choice for a potential husband and father since they wouldn't be able to provide for their wife or family. Maybe they don't have a job at all.

Maybe they are a man-child living with their family and don't have the means to support themselves, much less a woman or child.

Maybe they are too shy to ever talk to girls in the first place, and when they do it comes off creepy and awkward, and they have the inability to read body language and can't even tell when girls are interested or just laughing because they are uncomfortable

Carkudo · 2021-01-29T01:30:03+00:00

They get rejected because they're not attractive enough.

Maleficent-Kaiba · 2021-01-29T05:22:43+00:00

I think I make most judgements about men in the first 3 minutes of meeting them.

Provided I find them physically attractive.

It’s about how they present themselves in the world. Arrogance is very off putting to me. I enjoy assertiveness so long as it stays within basic human boundaries. Guys who immediately grab/grope you or get right in your space are a huge NO for me. I think over use of pet names is also a huge turn off, calling me beautiful/babe/sexy and at the same time over complimenting me is instantly a turn off just because it’s insincere and I immediately assume your just saying what you think I want to hear.

I guess it’s easier to say the only time to say yes is when guys approach me and speak to me like I’m just another person. There is no blatant ‘hitting on me’ in the sense of he’s using pick up lines or over flattering/sexual behaviour. Over projecting his interest in me is a huge turn off. I know if a man approaches me in a bar even just to chat that he wants something, women aren’t stupid, I don’t need ‘hitting on’ just talk to be like a person.

As an added bonus I’m not impressed by guys who try to show off their intellect, the last thing I want on a night out in a busy club is to engage in an a deeply thought provoking intellectual conversation. I went there to switch my brain off, save the smarts for the first date and don’t just sit there rambling off all the useless facts you know. use conversation topics I can engage with (so keep it light before you know me) because there is nothing worse than being talked AT all night, which is the point in which I walk away.

DXBrigade · 2021-01-29T07:47:35+00:00

You are unlucky. Your standards are too high.

FriendlyPitch1 · 2021-01-29T12:35:10+00:00

Being invited to their place on the first date or being told they would take me out in their car. I am not interested in doing any of that cause I prefer a real relationship and I don’t want to cross too many boundaries while getting to know someone. Also, I noticed on dating apps people writing in their bios “got nothing else to do. Not looking for anything specific.” It’s a huge turn off coming across multiple bios similar to this. I guess men struggle cause of bad bios and not showing serious intentions.

meltedjuice · 2021-01-30T13:33:05+00:00

They don’t know how to talk to women or how to treat women as people.

Shirley_Schmidthoe · 2021-01-30T21:07:22+00:00

I do not think most males have "troubles getting dates".

Most human beings are not not fixated on some weird "dating strategy" self-improvement stuff and simply live their lives.

rivetcitymayor · 2021-02-04T04:30:41+00:00

The ones who have trouble with dating fall into these mistakes from what I’ve seen irl:

don’t preform personal grooming/look unkept
unfit/fat
boring or otherwise uninteresting personality
don’t try to impress a girl or hang around where girls will be
not confident (that’s hard I know)

Title	Speaking from personal and observational experience, why do you think most men have trouble getting dates ?
Author	rivetcitymayor
Upvotes	25
Comments	485
Date	January 27, 2021 3:44 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/l675ui/speaking_from_personal_and_observational/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/speaking-from-personal-and-observational.734603 https://theredarchive.com/post/734603

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