Sexless marriage is a form of abuse.

Doinpromo · 2022-12-13T23:35:08+00:00

Why didn't you divorce her

Bikerbats · 2022-12-13T23:37:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Revolutionary_War198 · 2022-12-14T21:06:50+00:00

men are so desperate to be victims

travs1980 · 2022-12-14T02:57:10+00:00

Post history indicates that you are batshit obsessed about your dick size and constantly comparing and feeling inadequate. I wouldn't want to fuck you either if I've had to reassure you time and time again, especially if I was enjoying the intimacy and your obsessive insecurities ruin it.

NJFlowerchild · 2022-12-13T23:43:25+00:00

Why did you marry her? This isn't new to you or a sudden change. It doesn't become abuse because you got married.

Willow-girl · 2022-12-14T04:58:27+00:00

I agree. Incidentally, this is why it's a bad idea for women to partner with older men. Their libidos may peter out (no pun intended!) while you are still in your prime. The guy who is still a stud at 60 may well be a dud by 70 and then what are you gonna do?!

sinistralia · 2022-12-14T03:58:19+00:00

It CAN be - IF the other person wants to have sex but is withholding it in order to punish or influence the behaviour of their partner. Not feeling like sex because you’re unwell or down or because your partner is an asshole - not abuse. Not feeling attracted to your partner because you feel like you have to take care of them like a child - not abuse. Being willing to have sex but refraining in order to control your partner - probably abuse.

Barneysparky · 2022-12-13T23:24:59+00:00

My husband has always had a low sex drive, and never initiated. A few years ago ACE started being talked about and that was him in a nutshell. I felt really bad like I'd been pressuring him to do something he didn't want to for all these years. So I told him if he wished to be intimate at any time just let me know.

It's been about 4 years, and while I kinda miss sex he is just all around more cuddly and loving then he was before.

Is my husband abusing me?

Brangible · 2022-12-13T22:37:14+00:00

[permanently deleted]

BillyPilgrim75 · 2022-12-13T22:44:24+00:00

It's difficult for sure for a man (or woman) when their partner doesn't ever seem to want to have sex, but it's not abuse. Reaching for a dramatic term like that makes it more difficult to take your comments seriously.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2022-12-14T03:07:08+00:00

Dude were you decrying the evils of open relationship just one month ago?

Available-Ad-9338 · 2022-12-14T04:54:01+00:00

Your posting history is...interesting.

THHBHStT · 2022-12-13T22:33:22+00:00

that is not abuse? wtf. Women often experience decreased sex drives during menopause and other hormonal periods. This is like saying a husband not buying his wife everything she wants is financial abuse because it’s torture for her to not get what she wants out of the relationship..

gofigure62 · 2022-12-14T00:17:50+00:00

Claiming that not having sex with a partner being "abuse" means that the other partner has an right to sexual access from their partner whenever they want.

Marital rape is illegal in the United States. Just as forcing a marital partner to donate their organs is illegal. Marriage doesn't negate personal autonomy.

A husband or a wife doesn't have to engage in sex with their partner if they are pissed off at their partner. They don't have to have sex with their partner if they are disgusted by their partner. They don't have to have sex with their partner if they're tired. They don't have to have sex with their partner if they aren't feeling well. They don't have to have sex when they don't want to and it isn't "abuse" if they don't want to engage in sex with their partner.

It's perfectly fine for a man or a woman to want to have sex with their husband or wife. They're allowed to ask or find out why their partner no longer wants to have sex with them. However, they cannot and do not have a right to force their husband or wife into sex. That is rape.

If the marriage is no longer something that they want they should divorce and find someone that will have sex with them to the degree that they want it.

I've literally seen men complain that their wives won't fuck them after having traumatic births and severe illnesses. It's abuse to force a partner to have sex, it's literally called rape.

SoIlikeMangos · 2022-12-13T22:55:35+00:00

Why do you think deadbedrooms are only caused by women

mystery1nc · 2022-12-13T22:35:23+00:00

You think abuse is being married to a beautiful wife you can’t have sex with? God you’ve lived a shielded life.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-12-13T22:43:44+00:00

Lol No. This is utter nonsense. What you’re describing is sex drive incompatibility. It can have all sorts of causes (having a husband who thinks saying no to sex is abuse is probably a big one), or just be how the individuals are. And it can definitely lead to unhappiness and end a marriage. But it’s not abuse. Not everything that makes one unhappy in a relationship is abuse. That’s a total slap in the face to people who have actually lived through abuse.

CaptnandMaryann · 2022-12-14T06:59:04+00:00

In my case it is not abuse (older M) After 3 babies and menopause, my partner has no interest in sexual intamacy. We do a lot together having 3 horses and 4 grandbabies So what about sex? I pay for a aex therapist to help me clear out the sexual urges. And she has the the security of living her life.

Ok-Map-7596 · 2022-12-13T23:02:14+00:00

Grow up Jesus

John_Oakman · 2022-12-13T22:45:59+00:00

The modern secular marriage has nothing to do with sex, and to think otherwise is the height of entitlement.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-12-13T23:18:22+00:00

Having that attitude in a relationship may well lead to abuse. When the fuck did it start being abusive to not cater to your partner's every whim?! Yes, it may not be pleasant for that partner, but it's not abusive to not force yourself to have sex you don't want. You're not actively hurting them. Quite honestly, this is a disgusting misuse of the term abuse.

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EmptyVisage · 2022-12-14T11:05:43+00:00

Withholding intimacy could be abusive depending on how it is done, but you just can't tell from that little info. Not having sex with someone in almost all cases is not abusive (in fact there is only one kind of behaviour I can think of where it might qualify which is more about controlling behaviour, where someone deliberately turns their partner on repeatedly and deliberately but then forbids them to do anything about that frustration and punishes them if they do, which is a thing that happens more than you'd expect but is always a complicated situation that is usually accompanied by other more apparent types of abuse) but if your partner has a requirement for physical intimacy in order to feel loved and that is not being provided in the relationship at all (through hugs/touch/etc) then at best they are incompatible. It would qualify for abuse if that kind of neglect were intentional and being leveraged to influence their partner. There is never a time when someone is obliged to have sex with someone else. To be clear: No-one should ever be forced to have sex, and they shouldn't feel like they have to. Sexual relationships are more complex though and libidos will almost never perfectly match. There is room to compromise where someone does not mind sex but doesn't actively want it. There is no room to compromise when someone does not want sex. Sex is not a need that someone will directly die of if they do not have it, but having a romantic relationship without sex is impossible for some (most) people and they will be deeply miserable without it. It is mainly because a lack of reciprocated feelings will almost always leave someone feeling unloved, and that isn't something people should be okay with in their relationship if they do actually care about their partner. If there is no way to fix that imbalance, it is okay to end the relationship.

Brangible · 2022-12-14T12:02:14+00:00

Viable sex robots are just around the corner

Logical-Confection-7 · 2022-12-14T14:20:53+00:00

Is not a form of abuse, but it maybe a red flag for a toxic relationship. Don’t be in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

throwawaypasaspike · 2022-12-14T14:39:55+00:00

No, it's not abuse.

Marriage doesn't waive the right to consent.

The real question is - why would you want to have sex with your wife if she doesn't want it/won't enjoy it?

There's a deeper problem here and it isn't "abusing you by withholding sex" either she's lost the love or the attraction or she's going through something challenging at the moment and needs you to be there as an emotionally supportive partner more than a physical one.

If it's a dead marriage, time for counselling to see if you can save it.

moosemc · 2022-12-14T16:16:51+00:00

Its just a control thing. You can usually see signs of it while dating.

Have affairs and make sure she knows, and knows why.

delight-n-angers · 2022-12-14T17:14:07+00:00

You're not entitled to the body of others. Even your spouse. If there is a sexual incompatibility, you're free to leave the relationship. No one is coercing you into staying in a sexless marriage.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2022-12-14T20:26:19+00:00

I agree that someone withholding intimacy can be abusive. However, you aren't being abused. You've been in a relationship for 2 years with this person and they didn't really want sex all that much during your relationship. You were clearly sexually incompatible and you weren't happy with that. You chose to stay and to marry her despite this problem. Now you're like ''things are the same as they've always been, this is abusive''. Nah, dude. You just married someone that doesn't want sex as much as you.

I told her many times: “if you don’t want me physically, leave “. Yet she didn’t.

Sure, she could have left. If she made a post complaining about her husband constantly bugging her for sex and her never wanting to have sex, I'd tell her that she shouldn't have married someone she wasn't compatible with. But she didn't post here, you did. You could have left and you didn't.

vapordaveremix · 2022-12-14T22:24:34+00:00

So my comment is definitely going to have a different tone to the others.

You're going to feel into it when she doesn't and she's going to be into it when you aren't. Sometimes you get out of synch. That's just life.

Pressuring her into it is the most beta simp thing ever. Demanding it from her is abuse.

You want her to be receptive to it and better yet initiate it sometimes. What does that take? If you don't know yet then that's cool but you should find out since you married her.

I can't tell you what that is because everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. But I guess if you don't like her terms for sex then you might want to go to couples counseling or break it off.

Comrade_Ziggy · 2023-01-03T04:55:35+00:00

Bro shut up.

Sea_Bar9334 · 2022-12-13T22:40:12+00:00

I mean if they’re only doing it to mess with their head then yeah that’s abuse, but I don’t think that’s the reason most of the time.

2022-12-14T01:18:14+00:00

Lol I personally see sex as a duty of marriage because of religious beliefs but to call a lack of it "abuse" is ridiculous. Not every failure or shortcoming that takes place in a relationship is abuse.

The9thElement · 2022-12-14T05:34:32+00:00

Your idea of abuse is being denied sex

The actual abuse is when people are coerced/forced into sex in marriage. Grow tf up

GloomyHousing2657 · 2022-12-13T22:48:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

noafrochamplusamurai · 2022-12-13T22:43:10+00:00

I agree with you in the first half, lost me in the second. It's absolutely emotional abuse to without sex absent of a mental or physical issue. I don't mean a situational denial of sex ( sometimes people just don't want to fuck) I mean long term with malice, or no intention to resolve the issue. You lost me at now allowing the person to find gratification outside of the marriage. There are a few things at play here. A person has the right to refuse sex at anytime. A person also has the legal right to cheat on anyone, with whomever they want at any time. You also have the right to leave that marriage at anytime. If you're in a deadbed situation with a spouse that doesn't want to work it out. The best thing to do is divorce them. Find someone that wants to be with you. The deadbed spouse isn't in love with you anymore......and I'm gonna say the quiet part out loud now. The dead bed spouse is more than likely fucking someone else anyways.

sidforever · 2022-12-13T23:25:52+00:00

“Hearing excuse after excuse why she doesn’t want to have sex tonight” have u tried not attempting to coerce ur wife into sex. That’s not withholding intimacy, no one has to have sex with you regardless if they are your wife or not.

Magnito-was-right · 2022-12-14T00:02:02+00:00

I had a boyfriend who would go down on me but we never had full sex and he wouldn’t let me go down on him either. It eats at your self esteem. I ended up cheating on him with my ex. The boyfriend was rich and my ex was poor, but good sex is more important to me than money. If there’s no sex it isn’t a marriage it’s a roommate.

deznue · 2022-12-14T04:24:19+00:00

Yeah, just pay prostitute lol

Usedpac · 2022-12-14T13:52:47+00:00

Women be like:

"Women owes you nothing"

2022-12-14T00:06:27+00:00

It isn't abusive to deny sex, because sex isn't a human right. The freedom to have sex is a human right, but not guarantee you will get sex-- even in a marriage. It may feel like "torture", but we all know torture is much worse.

GloomyHousing2657 · 2022-12-14T02:10:15+00:00

Omg…. Maybe, just maybe, you’re not fun to have sex with and she rather eat glass….

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-12-13T22:41:53+00:00

If my significant other ever intentionally withheld sex from me, I'll send her the video of me cheating my damn self🤣

Impossible_You_8555 · 2022-12-14T02:07:39+00:00

I don't know if it's abuse, abuse is an overused term now, I think emotional abuse or verbal abuse is nonsense.

So no, not having sex isn't abuse, someone beating you is abuse, maybe someone breaking your stuff is abuse, it is however something that shouldn't happen.

suj1290 · 2022-12-14T06:24:56+00:00

Irony people who are asking him why he ca t get a divorce. Divorce is very expensive for a man

cult-imagery · 2022-12-14T06:48:55+00:00

I 100% agree that a sexless marriage is a form of abuse. Marriage is a job and duty that each party commits to. If you think withholding sex has no effect on a man’s mind, please do not hesitate to thoroughly read through this man’s experience. Having a sexless marriage would truly be a nightmare. I’m so happy that I still have my freedom and independence. If anything, file for divorce.

Podlubnyi · 2022-12-13T23:10:13+00:00

This is just another reason not to get married. Not married and don't want to have sex with me any more? Goodbye and have a nice life. Married in the same situation? It's gonna cost you.

jjlew922 · 2022-12-14T01:12:03+00:00

How much household labor do you do? New scientific study shows it’s a libido killer for women https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9483460/.

Secondly, what’s her love language? What’s her sexual blueprint?

She’s certainly capable Im guessing given you married her, but certainly turned off by you in this moment. Wouldn’t hurt to read up on relationships, Gottman and Hendrix are excellent resources.

chalkandapples · 2022-12-14T00:03:19+00:00

Depends on the intention, if it's malicious and for controlling reasons, then yes it's abuse. If it's because the sex drive just isn't there, that just means you're no longer compatible. If you're suffering that much, you should leave the relationship.

5x69fq29d0f6m33k17b0 · 2022-12-14T00:03:30+00:00

Abuse is a strong word, but it is improper behaviour. To suggest otherwise is to suggest that spouses in a legally sanctioned union don't owe eachother anything.

hayhio · 2022-12-14T05:38:27+00:00

Yikes, no wonder she doesn’t wanna sleep with you.

….Withholding intimacy as a punishment is abusive, sure. But just not being interested or turned on isn’t. That’s just sexual incompatibility or a dry spell, she’s not maliciously withholding it to spite you lol.

Dude just be a regular human and have a conversation with her, ask her what she needs, learn her turn-ons and what makes her comfortable. Tell her it’s affecting you and you need her input so that you can try to overcome it as a couple.

I don’t even know how I came to be in this sub but I feel provoked into commenting whenever I see weirdass takes like this. 😬

FrostieTheSnowman · 2022-12-14T06:45:47+00:00

I think it's fair to call it abuse IF the partner is specifically withholding intimacy with the sole intention to hurt the other person or manipulate them. In just about every single other circumstance, it is not abuse, it is incompatibility.

serafixed · 2022-12-14T16:13:51+00:00

Not having sex is not considered abuse, anywhere

OkProfessional9405 · 2022-12-14T00:46:49+00:00

It's breaking a wedding vow the same as infidelity does.

'To have and to hold'. That's church speak for, we have sex.

_here_ok · 2022-12-14T01:47:11+00:00

Marriage doesn't promise sex. Marriage is just a formal type of vowing. If you want sex both parties have to had agreed to it beforehand and promised each other for it.

BreannaBaybee · 2022-12-13T22:56:20+00:00

Yeah if you're married your partner should want to meet your sexual needs.

Cult_of_Chad · 2022-12-14T00:00:59+00:00

*grabs popcorn*

Bikerbats · 2022-12-14T00:04:58+00:00

OP, is it true you've only been married for 3 days? If so, don't you think the internet rants here are a tad premature?

Ok_Chicken3237 · 2022-12-14T01:20:07+00:00

Someone call the wah-ambulance.

EmeraldsFaure · 2022-12-14T01:55:59+00:00

Another false equivalence post.

Abuse means inflicting injury to someone physically, emotionally, or both. You’re not injured by your spouse not wanting to have sex with you. You’re not owed sex/ sex on demand in any LTR, marriage included.

Maybe investigate reasons behind you and your spouse having disconnect in sexual intimacy/ desires, instead of complaining online to strangers. Compatibility issues should’ve been resolved before marriage. Unless you two never had sex or discussed sex/ intimacy, which is odd unless you come from a conservative cultural background.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-12-14T03:03:54+00:00

Don't do PE exercises they cause venous leaks of the penis!!!! Your DB is because of other reasons!!!!!!

2022-12-14T03:25:15+00:00

i think usually in dead bedrooms the party at fault is okay with the other person sleeping with another person

i think the issue is the high libido partner doesn't want to sleep around

2022-12-14T08:01:17+00:00

Most women don't 'intentionally withhold sex' they just completely lose the desire to have sex. Big difference.

SoldierExcelsior · 2022-12-14T08:08:52+00:00

Any man who marries in this day in age deserves what ever he gets in my opinion...

Early-Christmas-4742 · 2022-12-14T09:53:13+00:00

If it's done suddenly after marriage that is very deceptive. If your relationship has never had much sex then that is just the relatiinship you've agreed to. Complaining abiut the continued lack of sex would be like her complaining about your lack of height/dick size after you guys got married.

taka-nashi · 2022-12-14T10:15:23+00:00

Why did you marry her when you weren’t happy with the sex life?? Stop being a creep and acting like she owes you her body. Do her a favor and divorce.

daddysgotanew · 2022-12-14T13:46:45+00:00

If you’re dumb enough to get married and give another flaky human all of that leverage; then that’s on you. If you stay single, you can leave when they pull that shit

revrev4405 · 2022-12-14T15:25:20+00:00

Buddy thought a ring would change her mind

ArseOfValhalla · 2022-12-14T16:42:16+00:00

You literally married someone who you had a lackluster sex life with to begin with. Why did you expect it to just change because you got married? Get divorced and stop blaming your wife for you inadequacies. Guaranteed she isn't turned on by you complaining of your small pee pee. there are guys how there with micro dicks who get their partners turned on and have amazing sex with. (a friend of mine is one of them). she loves having sex with him because its not all about him, which a lot of women complain about in heterosexual relationships. It's not the size of your height or dick, you're just a lackluster male. Do better.

YveisGrey · 2022-12-14T16:48:23+00:00

Bad for marriage? Sure. Abuse? That’s a little much. Idk I think it’s way more abusive to excessively pressure a spouse for sex than withholding.

Also married people actually have more sex on average a big reason why so many men are sexless these days is because so many men are single and live alone compared to the past decades.

2022-12-14T17:26:50+00:00

You married her despite this being a problem. This is on you, you wanted her and married her expecting shit to change.

themoralalpha · 2022-12-14T19:31:20+00:00

I've got something for you to think about, man.

Your wife is doing you a MASSIVE favour right now. Her lack of interest is a canary in the coal mine designed to kick your ass into self-improvement mode. Women are implicit communicators and this is code for, "I'm not interested in you right now because I know you're not living up to your potential as a man".

The raw fact is that women are mirrors for our own self-respect. When we feel there's a superhero staring back at us in the mirror, so do they. But when we think we're living in a mediocre way, they smell that we're not striving to build an outstanding life, and feel repulsed.

The reason you feel you're living in a mediocre way is that you're observing every action you take every day. Right now, those actions aren't up to the standard that you know you're capable of.

Good luck ;)

LotBuilder · 2022-12-14T20:39:00+00:00

Very much so. Just leave when it starts. The reasons don’t really matter, move on

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-12-14T20:42:23+00:00

Not abuse but it can be neglect or just a difficult time for all parties. That being said nobody has to have sex with anyone, regardless of if they are a spouse, but that spouse has every right to leave them if they don't have a compatible sex life.

y2kjanelle · 2022-12-15T22:55:51+00:00

No, sorry, not abuse. Just incompatibility. No one is being harmed because they can’t have sex, that’s just entitlement to sex and entitled behavior to being a victim.

Sure, it can be saddening, hurtful, and manipulative but that’s why you have divorce because you’re not forced to deal with that shit.

You can separate and find someone sexually compatible.

Psych_FI · 2022-12-18T19:17:02+00:00

You are always allowed to stop sleeping with someone even if they are your spouse and in return you can divorce them. Your wife may have not been attracted to you or there might have been other factors so I’m not sure I’d label it abuse automatically.

Title	Sexless marriage is a form of abuse.
Author	fijijo
Upvotes	69
Comments	280
Date	December 13, 2022 10:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/zl94gh/sexless_marriage_is_a_form_of_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/sexless-marriage-is-a-form-of-abuse.1208142 https://theredarchive.com/post/1208142

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