A man will date you for weeks, have you be exclusive with him JUST to have sex and leave as soon as he gets it. This scares the hell out of me about dating, I wonder how one can vet this kind of behavior.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-07T20:41:55+00:00

I let him know that I wanted to wait to have sex until we were more serious and in an exclusive relationship

We avoid this by never saying this. We think we're being transparent while all he heard was "keep up the facade and ask me to be your girlfriend in a few weeks" which is an incredibly easy goal for a guy who wants to get his dick wet.

And never say "I want to wait x months" either. Same deal, you're literally telling him your vetting strategy. Just keep that to yourself and keep him guessing and working.

Pahapan · 2022-02-07T21:07:08+00:00

Her first mistake was telling him outright that she wanted to wait to have sex until an exclusive relationship had been established. Might as well have put the playbook on how to manipulate her right into his hands.

Then she had sex with him before meeting a single friend or family member. The promise of plans to do so was enough to lull her into believing he was genuine. He was never going to introduce her to his family. Some friends, maybe, if he has LVM and Cool Girl friends who're used to his revolving door of tinder women and won't say anything, but it's a lot less likely that a man just looking for sex or a conquest is going to introduce you to his mother. Even then, don't make assumptions.

A lot of this reads like subtle love bombing. "He told me numerous times that although in the past he had been looking for something casual he said it was obvious that things were different between us and he wasn't looking for anything casual with me". Oh yeah, he totally used to be a casual sex having fuckboy but she's just so special that she's the exception. "He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else a few times", meaning he was definitely seeing at least one someone else, lol. Why else would he feel the need to tell her this repeatedly? He tipped his hand so many times.

Davina33 · 2022-02-07T21:11:19+00:00

For a start you don't tell them what you're looking for. If they ask you what sort of man you like, you don't tell them that either. It doesn't sound like that much time passed before they had sex anyway, the longer you wait then the more chance there is of a fuckboy losing interest and disappearing. If you let them know you are looking for exclusivity then some will treat you as a challenge.

oh_shit_oh_fuck · 2022-02-07T21:01:27+00:00

A red flag that stuck out to me was when he said all he cared about in the past was having casual relationships. He said this to make the OP feel more special, especially as it was followed with "but I don't want it to be casual with you".

As others have mentioned, don't tell them your vetting strategy - keep them waiting - most will get bored. DO NOT STAY IN THEIR HOUSE under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. This would make it much harder to resist and could even put you in a position of danger.

Another thing I will say, is that this is why it is important to have men on rotation. I guarantee if she hadn't put all her eggs in one basket, and had several other men who were fighting for her attention, she wouldn't have been as floored.

Carneliancat · 2022-02-07T21:40:21+00:00

This seems like a good time to remind women that just because a man has decided that you are now his girlfriend does not mean that you must now have sex with him. Just because you have decided to be exclusive does not mean that you must now immediately jump into bed. A new relationship is a NEW relationship--which means that it must continue to evolve into becoming sexual, and that takes time and more vetting. Being someone's girlfriend does not mean that he has immediate sexual access to you--it merely means that you are allowing the relationship to be present, and to grow. Talk is cheap. Let a man walk the walk before deciding that he is safe to have sex with. If he gets impatient about it, then he only gave you the title to get into your pants. A man who sees a future with you will be happy to grow toward the sex with you, not rush you.

Healingirl · 2022-02-07T22:46:03+00:00

Another red flag I saw or not necessarily a red flag but I know I'd have handled it differently, is when he asked if it'd annoy me if he's away every other month. Saying no is a pickme response (not judging! I know where you're coming from) but I think if you'd have said yes, you'd have had a more accurate image of what he wanted. Your answer was too convenient.

lvioletsnow · 2022-02-08T04:25:26+00:00

So, these same men complaining about their mental health, how depressed they are, how lonely they are, how they want to unalive themselves, how women won't give them a chance etc. etc. are our here clowning good women in their youth and throwing them away? Then, years later, whining about wanting a family (but only with a woman 10+ years younger)?

This is like lying in the hot sand of a desert when someone offers you a cool canteen of water but instead of being thankful and, perhaps, leaving with them, you take a sip and pour the rest on the ground. Then as you lay dying, you call your would-be rescuer a harlot because it wasn't Smart Water.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-02-07T20:55:47+00:00

Trolololol I’m in my mid-twenties and relate to this so hard.

Another male-patterned ‘crime’ / violation of the tenth degree. These men are so entitled that they’re exempt from the unspoken agreements that comes along with participation in decent society. How can you agree to be exclusive, sleep with a woman then skr skr make a U-turn the other way round?

Men like this are sick in the head, because they think a woman’s value is directly correlated to being sexually ‘un-gettable’.

They lie, manipulate, and push for intimacy and sexual access. And when you cave, they punish you for being sexually expressive, owning your sexuality, feeling good and being a ‘wh0re / slut’.

His sport is women and dating is a hobby. He gets off to getting women interested in something serious and then dumps them so that he feels precious, rare and powerful.

The truth is he never wanted a relationship, he just wanted to get her in bed. The lying and manipulating was part of the circus 🤡 show to get her there. Esp since this NVM was clearly picked off the racks of a dating app, he’s clearly used to manipulating women aka being a community dick and there was no way he was going to stop slinging his peepee around.

Women are playthings to this type of man. And he’ll never stop being callous in dealing with his partners feelings, and generally behaving recklessly in the relationship.

Not to mention, the ‘let’s see where this goes’ and ‘let’s take this slow’ attitude is low-effort AF. Dating well and maintaining a relationship requires planning, strategy and effort. Men who adapt this kind of attitude are just looking for a placeholder for them to act out their impulses on.

IMO Just another abuser tbh. Read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That” chapter on “The Playboy” where he describes and explains that this type of scrote is just as abusive as the violent, physical ones.

GoldandGlowing · 2022-02-08T04:17:09+00:00

All the dates she mentioned were cheap.

blackmetalbetty · 2022-02-07T22:50:54+00:00

Isn't being "in between jobs" whilst pursuing dating a red flag? Like, a sign a person doesn't have their shit handled before bringing another person into their poorly managed life..

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-07T21:07:38+00:00

The red flags are waving high here. Basic vetting takes care of these guys

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-07T21:31:54+00:00

I stopped at “Marine Engineer”- they don’t exist.

Maybe they do in real life but when you see this on any OLD, it’s fictitious- a way to disappear for weeks on end.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-07T22:48:31+00:00

The second he asks how I’d feel if he’s away a month at a time, he’s out. To me, that translates that he at least has a girlfriend already, maybe a wife and kids.

The_Moon_Piece · 2022-02-08T02:27:55+00:00

I think I saw a post recently from a guy who sounded exactly like his side would. He was dating someone who wanted to wait to have sex until they were exclusive, but I think he didn’t like her body or something and just completely disconnected. I was gutted reading it, because like this one it sounded like the woman really did vet the guy.

I’m with you, this is scary, but I do see some great comments here that are super insightful and I agree she shouldn’t have told him what her benchmark was. I’ve done that in the past and it really just gives men a different strategy, a minor detour in his game.

oscine23 · 2022-02-07T23:20:48+00:00

The first flag for me (there were several) was that he told her he generally looks for casual hookups. It would have been unbelievable to me that he was so enamored with me that he wanted to change that. Sounds like game. I would have made him wait a lot longer to prove that. If he’s only been hooking up and fkn randos from an app for three years, he doesn’t know about making love. That’s where my mind would have gone. But I’m alot more suspicious now than I was at 29, so I get it.

The quickie and the ED would have been a deal breaker. I’m not so into a guy after that short amount of time that I’d put up with that.

drowsypillowprincess · 2022-02-07T22:58:12+00:00

This was good content. It was helpful to be able to read through this and pick out the subtle red flags. These would have flown under my radar even just a few years ago.

Africanaissues · 2022-02-07T23:11:35+00:00

Gosh this is absolutely horrible. This post just triggered my anxiety. Most men are absolutely DISGUSTING!

Struggleis4real · 2022-02-07T23:36:58+00:00

The handbook also mentions distance and timing for relationships. Don’t bother with 1 month here, 1 month off, long distance, etc so early in the relationship. That’s another red flag/walk away from scenario. Can’t build a relationship with someone who isn’t there.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-08T10:36:12+00:00

This scares the hell out of me about dating, I wonder how one can vet this kind of behavior.

check his stability points. Or rather, his instability check points ✔️

There is always a tell. A man who is paying through a town, who is not from your area, who is in between jobs, who doesn't have a stable job or who has a highly demanding job that her needs to be "away" for(army, navy etc), who doesn't have things he should account for (a house, a mortgage, a family), who doesn't have a 5 year plan, who lives a disorganized life, who can get up and just leave - that's the man you need to avoid.

Now let's see what she missed, okay?

-met him on an app (Hinge) = high risk, low reward = instability check ✔️

-liked his straightforward attitude (sometimes women will mistake audacity for straightforwardness, not saying she did 🤡)

-he was a great listener on our first date (now, don't tell me she told him her while life story🤡)

-down to the book we were both reading; if she had connected her Fb with Goodreads or posted a pic on IG about this book or blabbed about it too him, of course he knew about it and if course - how serendipitous!- he was reading it too 😲🤡

-he had a very interesting job where he's home for a month at a time and then works on an oil rig ✔️ instability check and a big 🚩

-his last serious relationship was 3 years ago;✔️🚩🤡 nice how she says "serious"? It's because he's been hooking up for 3 years and that life was good for him. He might have had several "non serious" relationships too, one at home, one on his home away from home.

-he's in between jobs ✔️ (Need I say more?) So he's unemployed, maybe not even on the dole.

after a few dates how would she feell if he left for a month? (shit test, getting his dick wet time because she didn't "put out fast" move)🚩

-distance makes the heart grow fonder 🤡 (not at the very beginning of a relationship)

-he was interviewing for a few jobs but didn't have anything lined up yet ✔️(he had no prospects)

And this is only the 1st page.

pickadaisy · 2022-02-08T04:14:22+00:00

There are so many red flags starting at date 1.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2022-02-08T10:59:57+00:00

It is stories like these that make me wish all women would learn about lovebombing and how men mirror women in order to force a quicker connection. You can see how giddy she is over him on the first date and about how much they have in common that that is what he hit her with.

Even if she hadn't said anything about sex after exclusivity, he would have treat her horribly and dropped her when he was bored.

AnniaT · 2022-02-07T23:53:05+00:00

I know this is not the point but oil rig men that spend long times there are usually scrotes and cheaters. Never met one that it wasn't and I've met many due to my line of work.

I wouldn't say my boundary or standard to men to see if they naturally act like that or if they let the mask fall by themselves.

CheetahEnergy · 2022-02-08T05:23:09+00:00

In between jobs? Yeah it’s a no for me dawg 👋🏼

rainbowhelix · 2022-02-07T22:55:19+00:00

The job situation is a huge red flag. (Traveling, doesn't sound like an actual job, also he's "in between jobs", like what is happening here). Also, first date was not dinner, it was drinks. A FDS gal following the handbook would have successfully dodged this bullet.

Ashamed-Reputation-2 · 2022-02-08T11:42:31+00:00

I don't think agreeing to be somebody's gf/exclusive after a few weeks is a good idea. I think it should go:

talking for about a week before the date : FT and a short phone call here or there. Weed out catfishes and people that give off bad vibes

Dating: going out on dates, feeling them out. Start meeting each other friends around month 2-3. No sex, just stick to kissing. Nothing overnight, but see what his home is like. Still maintain a roster ofc. If they don't ask to be your bf by the end of month 3, drop them. If they ask to be your man, still say no and ask to be exclusive instead.

Exclusive: meeting family, no more roster, being more physical to vet for compatibility but no sex, firmer boundaries and keep pushing his buttons, trips, more intimacy, etc. Maybe a soft SM launch, but only after he posts you first. If he doesn't post you soon in this phase, drop him. Try not to fall into doing wife/gf shit and don't let him get too comfortable. This phase should last longer than a month, never go straight to sex while being exclusive. Most LVM won't make it through this phase to the official phase. They'll get frustrated at your increased demands, requirements, and expectations and the mask will drop after a few weeks.

Official: I personally would wait like 5-6 months to be somebody's gf. I notice most men start messing up and revealing their true selves around month 3/4, but I unfortunately stuck it out because we've been official for 2 months already and felt too attached to give up quickly 🤦🏾‍♀️. Most of the losers should've been booted by now if the handbook was followed properly. But if he starts acting up after y'all are official and had sex, dump him immediately. It does suck that he would wait 6+ months playing the perfect person just to get laid, but at least you made him work really hard for that one time and he'll never touch you again after that.

Make sure your detachment game is strong af through all stages of course. I haven't actually implemented this, because I'm taking a very long break to focus on myself. But these stages have been inspired by the posts seen on this sub. Is this a good start?

ennu_i_sao · 2022-02-08T11:55:48+00:00

I feel like this man may have had narcissistic qualities. Aside from dangling what he needed to know to have sex with her, the first red flag I saw was when he would tell her he wasn’t seeing other people. It very much leaves a lot of room for obsession or love bombing.

annedr3ww · 2022-02-08T00:13:08+00:00

He was in between jobs … I wouldn’t date someone with that much instability. He might be financially secure but when job searching and the potential to go wherever the job is … I would have have dated extremely slowly (or honestly not at all) until that was permanent and he adjusted to his position at least 6 mos. If she had followed that advice, she would avoided the whole mess.

daisy_0720 · 2022-02-08T06:07:27+00:00

Men continuing to prove exactly why we need FDS.

thewetdog_ · 2022-02-08T11:14:32+00:00

This is way way way too much energy spent psychoanalyzing a guy who met ONE MONTH ago. If you want to vent or rant for 7 pages by all means do so, but there’s nothing to gain examining every little detail or convo with a guy to see what went wrong and why he did what he did.

Write a novel about how he’s a POS but not trying to get answers to “why did he stop liking me” when you really kind of didn’t know each other.

Guard your emotional and mental investment in people you barely met.

This exclusivity concept - what is this even? That’s not boyfriend and girlfriend. Why are you sleeping with a guy who’s not your boyfriend clearly, to yourself and to society.
Being hurt and pissed off is valid. But I want to caution everyone into being honest about how intensely you’re suffering relationships with men, especially suffering rejection. This woman, who is self proclaimed normal, well-adjusted and healthy is saying she blacked out during the call….. I’m sorry but this isn’t proportional to the situation and sounds like someone who struggles to regulate. If this is you, you need to seek help to stop catastrophizing rejection. I mean it, this woman wasn’t assaulted, wasn’t attacked and she’s blacking out when confronted with rejection, even if that rejection comes out of nowhere.

You NEED to keep a sense of proportion when dating, men cannot be the end of your world to affect you like this psychologically.

They can of course affect you emotionally, in your feelings, in your heartbreak- but don’t let them get you like this in your actual psychology.

You weren’t born to live a life like this, if this happens to you, if you are disocciating or self harming because of typical asshole dealings with men, you need to build yourself up and work on idk something with a therapist before you put yourself out there again.

Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched. Especially when it comes to sex. It is likely the guy lovebombed her and wanted to get in her pants but - I can only speak for myself - I had great chemistry with a guy for 2 months, great feelings, reciprocated, and when we became boyfriend and girlfriend and had sex a couple of weeks later it was the most underwhelming experience of my life. I was devastated. The making out wouldn’t sync, he’s skin always felt cool or not the right temp idk. It was bizarre. The dynamic was still 🔥 but the sex was a cold bread and Kraft cheese sandwich. I couldn’t believe it.

We don’t know what happened here and I’m not making excuses for the guy, I’m saying you need to be able to handle mentally if a guy rejects you when you least expect it. Every new phase in a relationship can change it sadly for the worst. Having sex, meeting each other’s family, location changes, having kids.

I insist, aside from your feelings, mentally you need to stay with it otherwise your life will be miserable.

preppykat3 · 2022-02-07T20:51:57+00:00

You should still vet, but it doesn’t always guarantee anything. I’ve spent months vetting a guy who acted high value only to have him dump me after we finally had sex. (I’ll admit, I was nervous and didn’t have much sexual experience , so I was pretty boring in bed but still)… it feels like men mostly care about how good you are in bed.

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2022-02-08T06:52:08+00:00

So many red flags.

She didn't really vet him, she got easily impressed by his straightforwardness (she already has him in a positive light in her mind, hence laughing easily), had a drink date, and did not stop to think it weird that they had exactly the same likes (he was mirroring her) BECAUSE he mined for information while being a "great listener" aka ask her questions and say "omg me too!"

They are barreling towards intimacy (she only knows him for a few weeks, they already have inside jokes and nicknames), and she also says that they had an "instant physical connection", which I'm not against- however with the repeated comment about "having great chemistry" every time they meet was setting the precedent for sleeping as soon as possible.

He also puts this weird "time limit" on her- he tells her that he is "available" to take her out on dates until he finds a new job ( He's unemployed. And he is jumping into a relationship aka a fleshlight to ease his boredom since he has a lot of free time).

Apart from the obvious mistake of showing her vetting strategy (allowing him to bide his time and know how long to pretend), I also spotted narc vibes with his overly complemetary attitude (wondering what type of compliments he gave). He also pulls the "not like other girls/you are different" crap with her. Also future fakes her (future vacations, meeting fam and friends)

She also does wifey shit (cooking with him) , oh and he also knows where she lives on the onset of the relationship.

Also this wierd "fun" comment that she keeps on making. Something tells me that she either does not have a fulfilling life and is trying to fill the void with another man, she is insecure about being older (stigma of being "boring" compared to younger women/pickmes), or the man is an expert at making fun plans and so has experience in baiting women (since he was contradictory on his relationship history).

He also suspiciously repeated that he is "not seeing anyone". Another red flag is when he stated that they felt like they were exclusive before even asking her out.

He couldn't make her orgasm. Also has pied.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-02-07T22:28:17+00:00

Oh, TIL that dating is yet another one of the subs that permabans FDS! Translation: permabans women self-advocating.

Anyway, if I had to guess, there is something going on with erectile dysfunction, but I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe he is more attracted to men? Maybe there was an issue having to do with her body?

In any case, this is why I don’t go from makeout to PIV. There is an in between stage where it’s oral (for me only), so I lower my sexual risk, I get a sense of whether he can please me, and he can get a sense of what he’s working with. There is nothing wrong with me anatomically, but if like, something about me reminds him of an ex or something, I can’t control that.

But anyway, even if there is some sexual obstacle, if a man sticks around long enough to have a sunk cost and he truly falls for the person you are, chances are he will work with you on the other stuff. She just didn’t date him long enough. FDS handbook says 3 months for sex, even if exclusive. It looks like she gave it half that time. I’ve dated a lot of guys, talked to women who have dated a lot of guys, and if there is a mask, it’s pretty much across the board you’ll start to see it slip around that point, if the man has bad intentions. And if he has potential to be invested in you, he will be, and still be around, by that point, so long as he feels good around you and you are acting HV (ie you are not drunkenly picking fights etc.).

TigreImpossibile · 2022-02-08T05:45:41+00:00

You know what? Yeah it sucks. But this is why I don't believe in holding out for x amount of time or exclusivity, because it doesn't prove a goddamn thing.

My measure of when to have sex is when I really, really want the sex. You can't trade sex for commitment, because you can have the rug pulled out from under you at any time, like this woman did.

I also want to avoid players and men with a madonna/whore complex with fucked up ideas about women who like sex. Some men view playing the game until they get you into bed as just a challenge. It's out there.

So in my mind, if I only have sex when I really want to, when I feel a true desire for it, I can let all that go, because the point then is my sexual fulfilment, full stop. Not dangling my vagina like a bait in front of some guy who may or may not have good intentions and then I'm going to feel like a fool when he dumps me anyway.

I mean, sometimes relationships also just don't work out. Feelings change. Just because he dumped you, doesn't mean he used you for sex.

I also don't believe in hook up culture, fast sex or sex on the first date or anything like that. To be clear. I need to feel genuinely liked and respected and like there is a real connection, but my only measure of when to have sex is when I feel comfortable and I really, really want to.

Also, in my experience, men that hold out for weeks or months at a time are just not very sexual and/or are not good in bed. That's my experience, over and over again. I think if we can hold out over many dates and make out and not rip each others clothes off, we don't have powerful chemistry. My last relationship was like this and he had diabetes related ED!!! Couldn't get it up to save his life! And it only came out two and a half months into the relationship. But if I'm honest with myself, I already knew the chemistry wasn't there, because I felt literally nothing kissing him. Didn't stir a thing in me.

We need to vet and ruthlessly, but I really don't believe waiting x amount of time for sex is a good strategy.

shoesfromparis135 · 2022-02-13T12:54:24+00:00

Just a side note, but I literally hear the sound of nails scraping against a chalkboard when someone uses the phrase “I am a female.”

PinkestMango · 2022-02-08T10:56:27+00:00

The only way is to wait until marriage. It is worth it. Dick is not special sis.

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