Why do men here seem to think that the only way to approach women is by cold approaching strangers and asking them on a date on the first meeting? Why don’t they understand getting to know someone over time?

harmonica2 · 2025-07-22T15:00:25+00:00

To the OP the problem with getting to know a woman overtime I've noticed is that women friend zone guys soon enough so they create a window that guys have a short time limit on.

MarioWilson122 · 2025-07-22T16:09:36+00:00

That method you gave is too time consuming and for men its more often then not its a numbers game so you dont want to be restricted.

That is a pretty big restriction to only go after women that you see over time as that greatly limits your options. What if the woman decides to stop walking the dog down the neighborhood?

Then that option is gone entirely and the man wasted weeks on something that will now not play out. There is no real way to know if a woman is interested or not until the man makes a move.

Of course a man can feel good about himself if the woman is sending signals but its best to not get to excited until they get a yes from her. Because some women like being flirty and their being nice and waving and having small talk is just her being polite.

James_M_Croft · 2025-07-22T14:16:37+00:00

There are many reasons why men here talk about cold approaching.

Here are some:

Most men by their 20s already tried hitting on every single minimally attractive woman easily available to them (i.e. work, school, hobbies, friends, etc) and few if any reacted well to it.
It is an unspoken expectation that basically all men will hit on every single minimally attractive woman if they show up in their lives in a few hours to a few months. If a man is not sick, gay or has some serious issues he is likely to hit on her eventually.
Most men already use the "friend of friend" approach. And some even do the infamous "sister of friend" but even then their social circles are not enough to get a good results.
Cold approaching will ALWAYS increase your chances if you are not already doing it. We know the returns are abysmally low, but even if it is 1000 nos for every yes, cold approaching 3 women daily it would mean 1 more success per year. Which is a good result to many younger guys.
Cold approach teaches you about flirting, approaching and reading women.
Most men are aware cold approaches are not likely to succeed. Many refuse to do so because of it already. TRP teaches to use them to improve yourself.
The idea of "say hi/small talk to a minimally attractive woman who walks around the neighborhood" is already most men's default. And it may be considered cold approaching to some (rather black pilled) guys. It is the default behavior to men. Most women confuse men's constant approaches with friendliness and politeness because of it. They fail to notice none else but minimally attractive women are treated that way.
Most men are constantly trying to see how "compatible" women are. Most are also waiting for an "opening". TRP teaches about not waiting for this opening. Leading to warm or cold approaches.
Many places where casual and romantic interactions happen (bars, clubs, events) require men to cold approach consistently in order to get any significant result out of them. And those are where TRP men get most of their results.

TL:DR. Men are already "getting to know women over time" all the time in their day to day. It is just not good enough results normally. So they may need more. Cold approaches are examples of it.

NockerJoe · 2025-07-22T14:18:17+00:00

I think a lot of posters don't really understand how atomized a lot of western society is. More than that the kind of men and women who post here are usually victims of that more than anything else since reddit tends to run nerdy and that means a lot of men have hobbies and workplaces that are really heavily male dominated. Throw in cost of living making people live with their parents longer or bunch up with inconvenient roommates and suddenly the amount of people in your organic social sphere has gone waaaay down, especially as a working adult.

In an ideal world you'd probably have like a couple dozen members of the opposite sex somewhere in your social sphere that you see semi regularly. I don't think this is really the case anymore and social boundaries around the places you do see them like say, work or the gym, have also become stronger. So I think you just don't have as many alternatives as you'd think.

ViolentShallot · 2025-07-22T15:01:37+00:00

Most of the men here don’t seem to understand the concept of getting to know a woman over time.

So, let me get this straight, I am to conceal my romantic or sexual interest until months down the line?

This takes time.

No it doesn't. You take time, she already sees you "like a friend".

But in these dynamics, you aren’t becoming a close friend. You’re an acquaintance.

Moronic. By definition you cannot get closer to someone and remain "an acquaintance"

This also gives you time to assess if you’re compatible and if she actually seems into you, and if you would actually be into her.

That's the goal of the dating period.

Why do so many men act like getting to know women over time is an option that doesn’t exist and that the only way to approach a woman is through cold approaching strangers?

It's not the only one. It's the only one you can try 20 times per week though.

Albedo200 · 2025-07-22T18:21:29+00:00

Because if a man tries to get to know a woman first and then ask her out, he will be accused of being friends with her only to get into her pants. So might as well make your intentions clear asap to a girl you are attracted to and just get rejected instead of wasting both your time

OddRemove2000 · 2025-07-22T13:57:09+00:00

I do both, but just based on limitations of social groups i do more cold approaches as there are more strangers in the world than friends (takes time)

SpareSpecialist5124 · 2025-07-22T15:51:59+00:00

Most of the men here don’t seem to understand the concept of getting to know a woman over time.

Most women won't expect men to be that way, so if a man isn't immediately approaching her, she'll take it as he isn't interested, he's gay, or has some problem. This has happened to me quite a lot.

5tupidest · 2025-07-22T14:37:45+00:00

Borderline stalking someone by engineering “random” interactions to try and intuit whether she may be interested in me doesn’t sound very fun or respectful, and isn’t something I would necessarily want someone doing to me. If I happen to see someone extraordinary, whether I want to be friends or something else, striking up a casual conversation that may turn into an offer of a number or a date proposal or whatever feels like the most respectful, mature, human maneuver.

Most connections happen through friends or networks, hobbies, dating apps are relevant these days. In public, being in community and talking to the people you encounter is sometimes a fun part of society. We shouldn’t fear or be discouraged from talking to each other, in my opinion.

It sounds like your point is partly not to ask someone out in ten seconds using a pickup line, which is good advice. If you’re going to use a pickup line on a stranger, use one to start a conversation, I say.

If one doesn’t have a network already, the cold approach is one of a few options. I feel like some people were told by their parents not to talk to strangers, and they never realized that as an adult, you absolutely can talk to strangers, and they might be cool!

throwawaytradesman2 · 2025-07-22T14:07:15+00:00

Why?

For me, it is because women have led me on. She seems interested, a bunch of signals, then boom "Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

Many women just want the validation of towing a man along. So, fuck it, if you want something then say it.

preferablyno · 2025-07-22T17:19:05+00:00

You will not get great results in anything in life leaving the ball 100% in other people’s court. Maybe in getting left alone, it’s a good strategy for that lol

Dertross · 2025-07-23T00:55:55+00:00

Because when we try to befriend women first, we get friendzoned then accused of being an evil manipulative person for ~~not being Chad~~ wanting to know someone before deciding if we want to have sex with her.

IridikronsNo1Fan · 2025-07-22T13:55:39+00:00

Because it takes a lot of time. Cold approach is like maybe 1% success chance, but you can do it a lot and you can do it frequently. Trying to get to know someone raises your chances to maybe 2% but it wastes a lot of your time.

It's all about efficiency and playing the numbers game. You can do 50 cold approaches in the time it takes to get to know 1 person.

Having a good online dating profile is even more efficient.

InkAddict718 · 2025-07-22T16:41:04+00:00

“Getting to know someone over time”

That’s how a man gets friendzoned. Prime example why not to take dating advice from women

Certain_Process_7657 · 2025-07-22T14:29:11+00:00

You're basically referring to the warm approach method. Yes while that may work well, it definitely requires more time and effort. Most importantly, it requires luck.

If you're in a big city and meet someone at a park, what are the chances you'll ever run into her again by happenstance? People have different schedules and there's no guarantee you'll ever see her face again within the next year just by chance without getting her contact info.

But yes, this can work if you're meeting through hobby groups, school, church, work where you know you'll see them again at a predictable time.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-07-22T14:43:52+00:00

I’ve had enough experiences where women pushed to go back to my place after first meeting them where, unfortunately, anything else seems like a waste of time or just a ploy for attention.

This yet another reason why dating non exclusively is not only wise for men, but also what women are kind of tongue in cheek advocating for. A guy isn’t going to hassle a woman for sex and will be patient if he’s getting it elsewhere.

DashboardPilled · 2025-07-22T15:37:31+00:00

While I do agree that cold approaching is not effective, warm approaching has it's own can of worms.

If you have a social circle consisting of both men and women, and you get rejected by one of the women, she is most probably going to tell other women about your rejection, and that will automatically reduce your "rating" in their eyes. So, it turns into a "poisoned well". You cannot approach any women in the same social circle anymore.

The situation is even worse: if a new woman is introduced to the social circle and is initially attracted to you, she is going to lose all of her attraction once she finds out that you have already been rejected by other women. Most men don't want to risk being the creep of the social circle because maintaining those circles is very hard, so warm approaching is definitely not that simple.

Most guys would rather approach some randoms in a bar or a club and not risk developing a reputation for a reject than "poison their well" so to speak.

kongeriket · 2025-07-22T23:28:20+00:00

Most of the men here don’t seem to understand the concept of getting to know a woman over time.

I would've been an inkwell if I had operated on this basis. Or, at best, my body count would've been single digits and very likely would've never met my wife.

It is quite incredibly how disconnected you are and how unwilling you are to at least attempt to fathom men's point of view.

AlphaEcho971 · 2025-07-22T14:04:39+00:00

You can't teach a fisherman how to fish, a girl can't teach a man how to get girls.

Just look at your poor attempts, "just get to know her over time", this is the fastest way to get sidelined, strike while the iron is hot because you aren't the only guy talking to her or sliding in her DMs. While you're playing the friendly neighborhood Spiderman another man is already on the second date.

Another one, "don't ask her out immediately", how about being a fucking adult and making your intentions clear from the beginning instead of the playing the long game? It saves so much time, effort and energy.

Personally, I've had much more success in making my intentions clear from the get go, acting and progressing quickly, not wasting time, not "getting to know them over time". Plus yes, I've gotten dates from random strangers.

throwaway73737828 · 2025-07-22T14:00:41+00:00

Less time = better, we dont wanna waste time to get to know someone, it can happen as we gradually date and have sex, but yeah cold approach is the best way to get things done in short time.

Also women should do the same, we should encourage women to approach men who they like, it aint gonna lower their value or make them “easy”. If you see a guy you find attractive holla at him

IgorXY · 2025-07-22T14:11:23+00:00

say hi every time you see her

First this is creepy, second, no one regulary sees the same people over and over again. Sorry but life is not a romantic novel. Gym and other hobbies are bad places for meeting people. Church idk honestly.

getting to know women over time is an option that doesn’t exist

Why people act like bying lottery tickets to get rich is an option that doesn’t exist?

the only way to approach a woman is through cold approaching

It is not the only way, but if you don't have anyone to date from your social circle and don't get matches on dating apps, this is pretty much the only option.

Physical_Sherbet199 · 2025-07-22T14:54:14+00:00

Completely disagree that stalking your neighbor is an effective strategy for courtship.

I agree that you can use familiarity to help you though. Creating opportunities through pub league sports or acquaintances met through friends.

wtknight · 2025-07-22T15:01:36+00:00

Isn’t a cold approach a way to get to know an unknown woman who seems attractive? Not every man who cold approaches a woman expects to have immediate sex with her.

Youcbah · 2025-07-22T15:05:18+00:00

Cause getting to know someone takes longer especially if they never had interest in the first place

Trancetastic16 · 2025-07-22T15:22:21+00:00

For some men it’s one of their few or only options, due to several reasons.

Some of the main ones would be car/city-centric design and inflation causing people in general to have less time and money to date or visit third spaces, a declining amount of third spaces, and western societies shifting to a more individualist and impersonal social culture, including neighbours being less social, partly due to social media and dating app addiction.

For example I’m disabled and not in education or working.

I attend social groups and events and visit third spaces and tourist locations, but even at consistent social groups it is difficult to meet regulars.

My close friends are also disabled males who don’t know any women in real life.

My family are socially disconnected from our relatives and their friends despite we tried to reach out to them.

I live in a rural area where the only neighbours are farmers who only drive out of their property onto the rural highway roads.

Online dating and cold approach are some of the few methods someone like me has.

I also do “warm” approaches at designated social groups and events, but even when trying to meet people for friendship first, haven’t met any new long term friends or more ever since.

Even for people who do study, modern western Universities have shifted to being more about getting in-and-out with your degree as fast as possible, immigrants who barely speak English are actually the majority in many classrooms now, inflation means students have less time to socialise due to needing to commute in congested traffic to their third part-time job rather than stick around and socialise, and University social clubs and Uni towns have also experienced declines since Covid.

And many people are not permitted to date anyone they work with.

It’s more difficult for people to socialise nowadays in general and so the less popular methods such as cold approaching, which has always been niche, are going to have to become increasingly more common in cultures that are trying to change to be more social as some of the few methods for people to meet left.

Clean-Luck6428 · 2025-07-22T17:12:58+00:00

I categorize you as friend material or gf material and once I decide that, it will dictate how I get to know you. If they’re not receptive to flirting from the beginning then I’m not interested in their courtship process.

I find the whole camping as a friend until she decides to find me attractive to honestly be a kind of creepy process. You hear women all the time complain about male friends who are just waiting to fuck them so it’s hilarious to hear that some women literally want to be courted that way. It feels dishonest to me to treat a girl I am attracted like a friend until she feels comfortable. That entire process is a turn off for me

Vlad_The_Great_2 · 2025-07-22T17:38:05+00:00

Why waste time. If the woman is interested, I’ll get my answer immediately. Being friends first to get dates is a losing strategy. That’s an easy way to get friend zoned. If I’ve been friends with you for 15 years, I don’t want to date you. Most people I know personally got a girlfriend through dating apps or cold approach. Most women I interact with on a day to day basis are already married or have kids, so I can’t really rely on getting dates at work. After leaving school, finding my peers becomes more of a hassle.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2025-07-22T19:57:40+00:00

You don't have to see her a couple of times before you make a move, that might take weeks or months. Just walk up to her, introduce yourself and make some small chit-chat. If she's giving you choosing signals, ask for her number, if not, say it was nice to meet you and move on with your day

Kreeps_United · 2025-07-23T06:23:37+00:00

Because then they get accused of being deceptive.

Mrmonster225 · 2025-07-23T08:43:11+00:00

A lot of men or rather people in the sub don’t have what they call “game” hence the out of touch takes all the time. I’m not familiar with the term cold approaching but yes approaching women & being direct is better for most men than what you recommended respectfully. The whole purpose of approaching & trying to initiate a date is to get to know her & doing what you recommended would just be a performative way of delaying the inevitable & wasting energy that could of been spent on another woman. I will say though there are men who move like that but they usually always do it because they dealing with multiple women at that moment & don’t have time for her & the nature of the “small talk” is flirty & fun. For the average man that’s not the case & are just giving attention that won’t bare fruit

Jephta · 2025-07-25T10:24:38+00:00

Because the odds of a given women being sexually attracted to a given man are very low (something like 1 in 30 in my experience). So if your goal is to get a romantic/sexual partner and you're not really interested in getting a new friend :D like every woman seems to assumes we always are, then you'll end up with 29 new friends for every 1 romantic partner. Most of us don't need or want that many friends.

In business there is the idea of fail fast). Basically, you start off by looking into the riskiest parts of the business first, that way you find out sooner if the business is viable or not. As opposed to investing a lot of time and money in a business that isn't viable and then finding out later. Approaching a woman and quickly checking to see if there's a sexual pulse is fail fast in practice in dating. Ascertaining if she has sexual interest is usually the hardest and most rare thing, so it's the thing that's most likely to fail and so you want to check it first and move on with minimal investment if she has no pulse and is DOA. The friends of mine who are into cold approach can approach 50 women per day because they invest minimally in each one, and that allows them to overcome the 1 out of 30 odds (or so) of sexual interest easier.

And men know women need a sense of security that comes from men investing. But we also know (from all the women that friend zoned us just to keep us and extract that sweet bf-esque investment energy with no intention to ever sleep with us) that no matter how much we invest in a girl, it doesn't affect her sexual attraction towards us. So we check for interest first and invest in you only if we find it.

iSellNuds4RedditGold · 2025-07-22T14:11:39+00:00

Every time I tried to "get to know her" I ended up friendzoned.

I ain't falling for that shit again.

After you meet her you have tops 2 months to get her on a date. But it's still 2 months of your life, in that time you can make potentially 20 cold approaches.

For some reason women have a hard time grasping that for men it's a numbers game.

grillopie · 2025-07-22T14:27:23+00:00

i agree asking immediately isnt the ONLY way to meet someone. you may even have a better shot if you are more patient, but its still usually the best idea to ask at the same general time as meeting. in your own example, who knows if youll meet her again? even if you go somewhere regularly, but youve just met this person, theres a good chance she wont go that regularly. take some time, make small talk, try to get to know them as best you can in a short time but its probably best just to ask in the same meeting.

champion_azure · 2025-07-22T21:01:53+00:00

Sometimes you're lucky just to get a friend.

SeemedGood · 2025-07-25T16:07:42+00:00

Because women don’t actually value familiarity sexually or “warm-up” to being sexually attracted to us, and the friend zone sucks (because we do “warm up” to being sexually attracted to you).

You’re confusing social proof with acquaintanceship. Yes, we need social proof for you to be really interested in us, but acquaintanceship is the weakest way to build that social proof because it removes the mystery which you find so sexually attractive.

Our best move is to be the guy who walks into a room into which you already are and clearly commands respect and admiration from everyone in the room (social proof) while you have no idea who we are (mystery). If we are particularly handsome in those scenarios, you will approach us and if not you will at least be very receptive to us cold approaching you.

Anything which kills the mystery (like acquaintanceship) also inhibits your sexual attraction, no matter how great a guy we might be. So we are better off cold approaching than trying to date through acquaintanceship.

armentho · 2025-07-25T22:12:55+00:00

because if you befriend a girl before making a move is seen as being manipulative and ruining the friendship

FrodoCraggins · 2025-07-22T14:52:19+00:00

Because any man that asks a woman out after getting to know them is vilified for 'pretending to be a friend when he only wants sex' or 'harassing women just trying to go to work/the gym/an activity'

firewatch959 · 2025-07-22T17:30:29+00:00

Because it’s disingenuous to befriend someone you want to fuck

Lift_and_Lurk · 2025-07-22T14:02:19+00:00

The thing about lack of experience is you don’t know what you don’t know.

Lots of dudes on PPD talk like they are experts but the only “knowledge” they got was from reading posts online or watching YouTube videos of a guy who was probably begging for patreon supporters at the end.

No real world experiences.

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2025-07-22T14:55:07+00:00

I think you need to always be interacting with them in a certain way. From the start there needs to be a little banter and flirtation.

UnpredictableDemise8 · 2025-07-23T01:01:14+00:00

I don't see that much of a difference between the those methods you're describing. Cold approaching is more direct and obvious, while getting to know each other is more time consuming and less direct. Where or when to use each method, depends on the situation. With a cold approach you get the most important questions answered in a short amount of time.

PrecisionHat · 2025-07-23T17:40:21+00:00

Does cold approach mean they immediately ask for a date or her number, though? I thought it just meant approaching while having no previous interaction with the woman.

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-07-24T17:36:39+00:00

A lot of women don’t seem to understand how unaccepting women are at becoming even friends with guys that aren’t her dream guy.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-07-22T15:49:37+00:00

Yep that's one of the biggest mistakes men do in general. They think women's interest is the same as them. A lot of men are eager to court but slower to commit

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