Should a woman who has lost significant amounts of weight give men who did not want her a chance after weight loss?

Barely-moral · 2023-10-09T13:35:29+00:00

There is no such thing as an objective should.

She can act in her own self interest and in accordance to her own morals. That is as close to an objective should as there can be.

WanabeInflatable · 2023-10-09T13:26:23+00:00

Well. If I were a woman, I'd seriously considered "will he dump me, if I put on weight after pregnancy or just age".

Just like men should think about "Would she dump me if I lose my job"

So, if you are considering LTR it makes sense to avoid shallow people, because they may leave you in times of trouble

yvaN_ehT_nioJ · 2023-10-09T14:39:01+00:00

Eh, I was in that place as a man that lost significant amounts of weight. If I had the outlook you described I would definitely be single for life!

People are focused on appearance and there are two ways to approach this fact: a woe-is-me everyone's shallow why don't they like me for who I am on the inside way, or a "hey, I actually have more control over how people treat me than I give myself credit for" way. External v. internal locus of control. Personally, I think the latter is the better approach.

Cool_Relative7359 · 2023-10-09T16:16:49+00:00

Edit: Would she be right to reject all the guys who are showing her interest now?

You're allowed to reject anyone, for any reason. It's always "right" because you are under no obligation to date anyone. Or give them a chance. Settling is not mandatory. Or even adviseable.

And I've never been fat, but I don't date people who are rude or cruel to people based on appearance. If they weren't attracted to me when I was fat (hypothetical) but weren't dicks about it I might go out with them. If they were mean? Hell no. I don't date mean people.

Hoopy223 · 2023-10-09T16:52:20+00:00

As a guy who went through the same thing I answer (mostly) no. Not for a lot of the reasons people here post up though. Usually what happens is years later after college you get in shape and your life is going well. You make that post on Facebook and then someone you knew from high school and college whose life is not going well hits you up.

There’s also a lot of emotional baggage. You’re not going to romantically date the person who made you miserable when you were 16, 18, 22 etc.

purplish_possum · 2023-10-09T15:23:11+00:00

Women who lose a lot of weight almost always try to upgrade.

That's why they call weight loss surgery "divorce surgery".

MalePsychopath · 2023-10-09T14:46:31+00:00

If you fully accept that all relationships are shallow and transactional and are fine with that, you could date them.
But I wouldn’t hold it against you if you were bitter, disappointed and disgusted by this situation and wouldn’t want to date these men. That’s a very understandable reaction.

Edit: Would she be right to reject all the guys who are showing her interest now?

If she wants to. Totally up to her. They probably wouldn’t have wanted her old fat self either.

DumbWordsmith · 2023-10-09T14:05:46+00:00

IMO if she feels like those men want to use her for her body, it makes a lot of sense for her to ignore those men, yes.

DecisionPlastic9740 · 2023-10-09T13:11:21+00:00

If that's what she wants, it's certainly her right.

yeahrum · 2023-10-09T13:14:18+00:00

The attitude of "you didn't want me when I was ugly so I don't want you now" is bizarre. Do people think attraction doesn't matter?

It doesn't make someone a bad person or shallow for not wanting to be with ugly people..

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-10-09T16:00:25+00:00

Yes and no. People need to stop betting on others potential without consistent effort and results. There is nothing wrong with picking a partner who has shown it, and there us nothing wrong with choosing a person doing down the path. But asking for a male or female to look at a bottom barrel and choose you then is just not smart for either party

Zabadoodude · 2023-10-09T17:37:01+00:00

I don't really see this consensus that 30 year old women don't deserve a good man. It's more that many of the guys on here who are in their 30's prefer women on their 20's, and argue that it might be harder for a woman to find a good guy if she has a lot of baggage.

In your hypothetical: if she is attracted to the guys that rejected her before, then sure. Why should she deprive herself of the guys she wants.

edgyny · 2023-10-09T14:42:33+00:00

She should do whatever she wants while working on her resentment issues.

abaxeron · 2023-10-09T13:31:37+00:00

The vast majority of women never ever ever ever romantically consider men that they did not start dating within a couple months after learning their name.

No matter how those women look, or how those looks changed.

Thus, this scenario is so utterly hypothetical that it doesn't deserve consideration even as a thought experiment.

2023-10-09T13:44:28+00:00

It depends on your outlook on your weight.

I used to have a lot of excess weight, I have had some bad period, ie COVID lockdown where i gained lots of weight.

Over the last 2 months i have lost 2 inches on my stomach, to me that is good, however besides the point (gained loads of weight whilst working and doing a dissertation at the same time due to 18 hour days with no exercise).

However, I viewed myself as unattractive due to the excess calorific intake and to me it was acceptable that a woman wouldn't want to have anything to do with a fat slob. It was on me, I got into that state, so I had to live with the consequences.

However, if I decided that being a fat slob should be attractive and got angry at women for not being attracted to a fat slob then I imagine I would not want to.

I don't think there is any clear cut answer, it depends on how you view the excess weight.

wtknight · 2023-10-09T14:13:41+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Opening_Tell9388 · 2023-10-09T14:49:23+00:00

If I was the woman I wouldn't.

Same with obese dudes who hit the gym and grow a beard.

kvakerok · 2023-10-09T14:54:17+00:00

She should do whatever the hell she wants. If she can't get over them turning her fat self down then she shouldn't "give them a chance", if she can put it behind her them by all means.

Anxious_Adult123 · 2023-10-09T15:03:12+00:00

Would she be right to reject all the guys who are showing her interest now?

I think it's reasonable in both ways.

Reject all those rejected her can stem from the rational fear that they might leave her once she gains some weight since they saw her "fat-self" unattractive.

Giving a chance is also rational as attraction is also an important thing. That's what glow up is all about. And however good a person you are, initial attraction is crucial.

IMHO, the second scenario is more rational than the first. As losing weight and thereby the attraction created would allow someone to get close with a prospective partner who would now get the opportunity to know them more to a level that their looks will now be overshadowed by their personality and other stuff. But this is my personal opinion.

women over 30 don’t deserve good guys.

Like the first scenario, this is also highly subjective and there is o definitive answer. A woman over 30 might be single for a myriad of reason including the one stated in the post. Or she could've been focusing on her career and now she is looking for a relationship as her career is now stable. As a virgin man, and if I was a 30-year-old virgin, I would prefer the least promiscuous women Ican get my hands on. But i won't say no to a woman with a promiscuous past (not extreme, though), if I strongly feel she is looking for a monogamous long term serious relationship. I think there is rationality in both the scenarios and there is no hard yes or no.

throwaway164_3 · 2023-10-09T15:50:04+00:00

It’s up to her!

Occhrome · 2023-10-09T16:38:02+00:00

It really depends on the reason why each person did not desire dating a large person.

I personally don’t date larger women even though I find them attractive. Because fitness and outdoor activities are a huge part of my life. I can’t see myself with someone who can’t keep up or might get injured while we are out in the middle of nowhere.

harmonica2 · 2023-10-09T16:47:24+00:00

Well I guess when guys lose weight and put on muscle they give women the chance that wouldn't have given him a chance back when he was overweight. But should guys be giving those women chances as well as vice versa?

Nihi1986 · 2023-10-09T16:48:27+00:00

Depending on how shallow they were, because there's a good chance at some point she might get fat again...I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't want, it's why I don't date fat women, to let them lose that weight and chose someone deserving of their love...😐

Edit: seriously now, a previously fat woman shouldn't try to date the shallow men who rejected her...maybe if there was one who treated her particularly well and had a connection but It's an stretch, just don't date people who thought were too good for you in the past and enjoy your multitude of new options.

Cactus2711 · 2023-10-09T17:36:17+00:00

Of course. That's like saying 'should a man who was once poor give women a chance who did not want him now after earning good money'?

TenaciousVillain · 2023-10-09T21:57:22+00:00

I’m trying to think about why a woman would do this, except to get back at him for making her feel like shit. Because let’s face it, a lot of people are not kind to obese people. You hear it from thin people all the time — how they just gained a few extra pounds and everybody started treating them badly. Then, as soon as they lost the weight, the world changed. The stigma is loud. So it’s not just a matter of preference; it’s usually not just clean, respectful rejection either. There’s often a lot shaming and bullying happening with these kinds of people.

And think about that. When you were at your lowest point, this person decided to kick you. They decide to look down on you. So what happens when you have kids and gain a little weight again? “You fucked up, you’re disgusting and lazy and deserving of less.” I mean, this is usually what comes from people who shame the obese. It’s a lot of hatred piled on to a person who probably already is struggling with mental health. Why exactly should they get a chance?

The only exception I could see is if a man was kind about it. He told her he’s not really looking for a relationship right now, but he would love to be friends with her. And he was real about it. He became a part of her life. Supported her on her journey. I can see a woman giving a man like that a chance. Because he had a preference, but it wasn’t about dehumanizing, rejecting, and making her feel bad about where she was in life. And even if he didn’t make friends with her — every time he saw her at the gym, he was still polite and helpful.

It’s rare that we run into decent, wholesome human beings, who are just absolutely beautiful on the inside. But they do exist. And I think this would be the exception.

scwizard · 2023-10-09T22:45:21+00:00

Nah sis.

But I'm also not asking for guys to marry girls that rejected them before.

Ok-Supermarket-6747 · 2023-10-10T03:17:37+00:00

This is such a double-edges sword. On one side, if the men got to know her while she was fat then they are emotionally ahead. On the other side, apparently that didn’t put them ahead enough to date even though she was fat. It gives zero security in loving someone for their personality if their physical appearance can negate that. However, I do believe it is Unrealistic to ask for unconditional love. People do choose partners based on their attraction and attraction is very important for arousal and relationship satisfaction. No one is to blame, but it is a risky business. If you know any men who were interested while you were fat, they would be even more interested and potentially loyal now that you are thin. But this can also be a misconception: sometimes men cheat out of insecurity. And having an ugly guy cheat on you probably feels worse than having a good looking guy cheat on you. Both men should have been committed and like your personality either way.

Would I give those guys a chance? Maybe if I thought we were really compatible...but because I would fear what would happen if I gain weight again ...if I find new men who are compatible then I might go with the new guy. If I gain weight again maybe the new guy will stay or gain with me. I already know the old guy would lose interest

AceOfSpadesGymBro · 2023-10-09T14:31:10+00:00

It's not men's fault that they are not attracted to overweight women, the same way it's not women's fault that they are not attracted to wimpy nice guys.

grillopie · 2023-10-09T13:21:52+00:00

Yes as long as they didnt outright reject her or say anything to that effect. Practically, if she has done something to make herself more attractive, she wouldnt be able to tell with a new person she meets whether they would have been interested in her before anyway.

So as long as the previous acquaintances didnt mention anything about her being not attractive or rejecting her, why not?

SlowEffective8146 · 2023-10-09T13:48:21+00:00

So if they personally rejected you before the weight loss, then I would say that's fine.

How would you know that any specific guy would have dated you pre-weight loss and post weight loss? There's no way to tell.

Teflon08191 · 2023-10-09T16:27:02+00:00

Do you guys think an ex fat woman should give men she either knew when she was fat (but did not want her) or guys in general a chance now thats she’s skinny?

If her motivation to lose weight was to be considered by men who were out of her league before, then I don't see why not. If the motivation was to hold a grudge against men not being attracted to fat women though then probably not.

NSGameDeveloper · 2023-10-09T14:03:11+00:00

The thing is that she wasn’t given a chance by skinny men when she was fat. I doubt that she gave a chance to fat men when she was fat, because women are hypergamous.

At this point there isn’t right or wrong. Do whatever is better for you and you can keep not giving a shit about the fact that the population is going down and that you we will probably all die alone. But if I was her, as a skinny woman I would give a chance to skinny men.

AMDisappointment · 2023-10-09T14:36:29+00:00

Wouldn't you still have loose skin and stretch marks still?

Dynamix86 · 2023-10-09T15:02:54+00:00

Us men don’t want to date someone that we are not attracted to and that includes fat women. We are just wired that way. A woman who’s fat is also not respecting her body and health and probably has issues with self control.

So then if you lose a lot of fat and you start looking attractive, things change for us. No matter how cool your personality is, if you’re fat it’s just a straight disqualifier. So yes, I think you should still give them a chance

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-10-09T13:27:37+00:00

General consensus on this subreddit is that women over 30 don’t deserve good guys because they spent their youth with C*ds and didn’t give the average/below average looking guys a chance.

No one ever said that. I have heard that women in general are more attractive and high value when young. Just like how tall men in general are more popular among women than short men.

Do you guys think an ex fat woman should give men she either knew when she was fat (but did not want her) or guys in general a chance now thats she’s skinny? The guys overlooked her as well so why should she give them a chance now?

Her choice. However, imagine a guy refusing to get a job and spends all his days playing video games complaining about women rejecting him. And then asking this very question once he got a job and sorted himself out. Should he give the women who rejected him before a chance now?

SwordfishRadiant5247 · 2023-10-09T13:48:25+00:00

No, why would you want to date guys that you have positive confirmation are shallow. Revel in the revenge of watching them kick themselves for not having faith in you

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r_phone · 2023-10-09T15:12:59+00:00

Never. If a man is not horny for you at 100kg, he doesn't deserve you at 65Kg

Gravel_Roads · 2023-10-09T13:26:27+00:00

That's up to each individual woman to decide. I personally don't think it comes up very much, for the SAME person that rejected her is the same person that wants to date her later.

I personally wouldn't - someone rejecting you for your looks almost guarantees the relationship won't last, because even if you lose weight and become a complete smokeshow, you'll inevitably age because everyone ages, and once you lose your looks, you're back at square one with them not wanting you because you're not hot enough.

If someone is compatible with you, it will be pretty obvious because they'll like being with you and talking to you even if you're messy, old or fat.

No_Yogurt_4602 · 2023-10-09T14:03:48+00:00

Wait, are we censoring "Chad" now? Is "Chad" a slur??

Anyway, to answer OP's question: no lol ofc she shouldn't give people who previously rejected her a chance, and the idea that she would is depressing in terms of its implications about her sense of self-worth. Idk why she wouldn't give anyone a chance, though, unless she just doesn't want to date for whatever reason (which would obviously be valid).

Konoha_Shinobee · 2023-10-09T15:25:14+00:00

The guys overlooked her as well so why should she give them a chance now?

Well the guys that would have overlooked her are the desirable ones, so I don't see why she'd want to do that.

I realize this kind of a gender flip on the AF/BB thing, but the difference is that older women are less desirable, while in your scenario the men haven't changed.

purpledaggers · 2023-10-09T19:12:24+00:00

Nope. She'll hate herself if she does, because she'll know deep down that man is a shallow asshole that only loves her because of what superficial things she's done to herself.

soontobesolo · 2023-10-09T15:01:00+00:00

She should absolutely give them a chance. Are guys not allowed to prefer leaner women? Are they forever disqualified because they weren't attracted to a fat girl?

Obviously she should choose the ones she likes, but yeah.

meangingersnap · 2023-10-09T15:41:27+00:00

No, it’s giving female version of beta bucks

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2023-10-09T13:56:51+00:00

I would if I was in reverse situation where I could somehow un-uglify myself and previously friendly woman started showing signs of romantic interest.

wtknight · 2023-10-09T14:00:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Whiskeymyers75 · 2023-10-09T14:57:12+00:00

People are attracted to what they are attracted to. And im sure even the formerly obese woman wouldn't give certain people the time of day before changing their appearance. Also keep in mind that physical appearance isn't the only reason someone might not date a fat person. Everyone seems to only want to focus on the physical appearance aspect while completely oblivious to the health and lifestyle aspect. When I was 115 lbs heavier, I wouldn't have dated me either.

Cotehill · 2023-10-09T15:09:21+00:00

Anyone can reject anyone for any reason. It’s preference - you lost weight, you’re now attractive; you rejected me before, I’m now getting my revenge (that may not be a healthy perspective though). If someone rejected them previously and they were nasty to them with their reason, there’s every reason to keep a healthy distance from such people at all times.

There have been plenty of large women I have admitted would be very good looking if they lost weight, but they would need to lose that weight first. By the way, it’s not the body necessarily first that is the issue, but the round chinless face that is most off putting.

dela_man14 · 2023-10-09T15:34:20+00:00

Woke_Wacker · 2023-10-09T18:33:07+00:00

Depends. It would depend on the guy if he wanted to date a now modest woman who was a 304 through her 20's. It would depend on the woman if she is willing to date at all after being rejected by men for being fat. Personal preference.

Why wouldn't you want to date after losing weight and becoming more attractive? Seems counter intuitive but whatever floats your boat 🤷

fucksiclepizza · 2023-10-09T18:46:49+00:00

She wouldn't owe anyone a chance.

Obvious_Ear5324 · 2023-10-09T19:27:53+00:00

there’s no “should”. it’s whatever they decide

TroidMemer · 2023-10-09T19:44:16+00:00

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong for her to go out of her way to avoid the guys who didn’t like her till she turned skinny. As another commenter said, if I was a woman I would probably go for someone entirely new in case I got fat again somehow.

Laurely4u · 2023-10-09T20:44:49+00:00

I suggest high end restaurant dates only for such individuals

NothingOrAllLife · 2023-10-09T20:53:28+00:00

I’m there right now. Lost a lot of weight in the last five months. Men are flocking to me. I also moved to a big city, started my career and thus started dressing nicely everyday.

There are men in my DMs that I’ve had full conversations with prior , asking me why “we’ve never met”.

Fat women are definitely invisible to men. Especially men on this sub. Please, I could have offered to by one of them a drink and they wouldn’t have even process it as a woman interacting with them.

Personally; I screen for certain things now:

Guy has to be supportive of me continuing my health journey.

Was chatting with a guy for a while. He as super nice, great to talk to, we had lots in common. But he kept saying how he’d put on a lot of covid weight and liked the softer look of himself and wanted to gain more pounds because ge felt better heavier. And he wasn’t skinny to begin with.

This guy was a great personality match but not a good match for me health wise because the weight of loss would have definitely come right back.

They can’t be super obsessed with weight. Like I have a couple full body pics, if they don’t want to meet up because I don’t send them more, they aren’t for me.

Lib_center_u_moron · 2023-10-09T21:09:33+00:00

she should do whatever she wants to do

macone235 · 2023-10-09T21:19:18+00:00

This is a completely different scenario. A man isn't lowering his standards, because a woman has lost weight. There's a big difference between not dating a guy because he doesn't take care of himself vs not dating a guy because you're too busy trying to compete for better men.

basedmama21 · 2023-10-09T22:37:44+00:00

She would probably have a better relationship with them post weight loss, so why not? Now whether she can KEEP the weight off longterm or not is a different story. If I were a man I would be suspicious about that. If she is obese or higher then what’s going on upstairs to even let her get to that point

pastaboogie · 2023-10-09T23:29:58+00:00

Of course she should give them a chance! The past is the past. The men can mature to realise her true value and/or their life priorities can change.

It just happens to coincide with the woman not being fat anymore :)

2023-10-09T23:31:59+00:00

This just sounds like some pathetic revenge fantasy...

AloneOnTheStrange · 2023-10-09T23:44:33+00:00

The same answer I would give if the genders in question were reversed: It depends on the behaviour of the person.

If they were nice in their rejection, they were still friendly towards you, still showed some interest in you as a person, then I wouldn't see anything wrong with giving them a chance.

If they were rude, ignored you, acted like they were better than you, and then completely shifted gears when you changed, then nah.

Trouvette · 2023-10-10T00:04:02+00:00

As a woman who has been in your shoes, I’m going to respond even though you asked for men.

I lost 150 pounds. When men who previously friendzoned me started showing me attention, I was flattered at first, but it quickly got replaced with resentment. Despite what a lot of dudes here want to believe, a good partnership means understanding the whole person. And when I was put in that place, I found that I was resentful of the fact that my whole person could be rejected just because of weight. It is one thing to simply not be attracted to someone, but when it is someone who you build at least a friendship with, it is a lot easier to accept that rejection if you are rejected no matter what your weight is/was. The fluidity of the attraction leads to a lot of questions that won’t give you answers that are kind to your own mental health. It is a lot easier to start on fresh ground with men who don’t have pre-judgements of you and you won’t have these nagging thoughts about.

jamalzia · 2023-10-10T00:31:07+00:00

Depends on how he rejected her the first time. Not being interested in someone who is overweight is no big deal. Becoming interested in a person after they improve themselves, physically or otherwise, is perfectly fine, and it's odd to consider holding their preference and your lack of meeting it against them.

It would be similar to say "I'm a bad person, want to date me?" and getting rejected, but then you become a good person and now they want to date you. Are you gonna go "sorry, you didn't give me a chance when I was a bad person..." lol, obviously not a one to one comparison, but you get the point.

Now, if they were rude in their rejection, it shows a shallow character, so it makes sense why she wouldn't give these people a chance now that they're into her. But purposefully rejecting someone who wasn't interested in her before she changed herself is a bit of a revenge mentality, so if that's the motivation, no, that is not a good reason behind her actions.

ComplexAddition · 2023-10-10T00:46:14+00:00

Get with him and dump him when you are bored. You dont need him to be your husband.

Monistatvii · 2023-10-10T01:11:26+00:00

If she wanted the dude before and he wasn't into fat. But now that she's not fat but gets the opportunity and still wants the dude why not. You made the change to live the life you wanted. Unless he was just cruel I don't see the issue

Workaholiconew · 2023-10-10T01:42:00+00:00

Your choice.

Its none of my business who you supply your services to...

candikanez · 2023-10-10T03:33:38+00:00

I'd reject them all, and I'd tell them why.

throwaway1276444 · 2023-10-10T08:07:16+00:00

No, you should stick to dating other fat men.

DubiousTarantino · 2023-10-10T13:58:46+00:00

I have personal experience with this. I’m a guy (22) that was overweight and did not have style or charisma or anything that would make me attractive (in retrospect). I asked out a girl friend (22) and she said no, then hooked up with a close friend of ours (not saying out of spite or anything, but just to fuel my emotions about the situation). Well follow through about a year, I’m down 40lbs, grew out my hair, and am very confident in my abilities and look good.

Here she comes, out of the woodwork. We actually date for a year, but the more I cared about her, the more I realized that I was never her first choice. So coupled with that insecurity and other relationship woes, I ended the relationship. She didn’t want me when I was fat, but when I lose weight and look good she comes crawling back?

qunamax · 2023-10-10T14:01:48+00:00

That's a strange one, I don't think you can erase this obese version of you from men's heads.

Puzzled-Match-6713 · 2023-10-10T19:27:43+00:00

I think that those people should just move on and cut their losses. They had a chance when the person was overweight and now it's too late. Even if you can't force yourself obviously to be attracted to someone who is very heavy their perception of you being that guy who rejected them when they were fat will always be there. I think that both parties should just not consider dating each other and find new people. No need to revisit the past just bc that fat girl you rejected in HS is now thin. Leave her alone

ThorLives · 2023-10-10T20:39:06+00:00

If she wants to give them a chance and feels okay about it, that's fine. If she doesn't want to give them a chance, that's fine, too. I don't think there's a "should" in either case. If she feels mad about it, I'm not going to judge her for ignoring those guys.

Some people will try to argue that these men were shallow or whatever, and are therefore bad. Or that they'll leave her if she gains weight when she gets pregnant. There is a difference between not dating an obese woman and continuing to be with your wife and mother of your child who's obese because of post pregnancy. Saying otherwise means you should also argue that a man who won't date senior citizens means that he's going to abandon you when you become a senior citizen, which is obviously a bizarre claim to make.

But saying that that guy's were just shallow kind of ignores the fact that we live in a society where physical appearance and physical attraction are real things. Trying to make it into a moral failing seems questionable. But I can understand if someone is turned off by someone who once rejected them.

Same goes for men: if a guy got rejected by a woman when he was far, and then he got in shape and hot, there's no "should" when it comes to dating or not dating that woman who rejected him earlier.

Title	Should a woman who has lost significant amounts of weight give men who did not want her a chance after weight loss?
Author	ThrowRAsweeter
Upvotes	59
Comments	244
Date	October 9, 2023 1:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/173rcju/should_a_woman_who_has_lost_significant_amounts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/should-a-woman-who-has-lost-significant-amounts-of.1234548 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234548

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