What do abusive men bring to the table?

Expensive_Lion1807 · 2026-06-07T02:26:16+00:00

It’s not that abusive men are more attractive. It’s a that some % of attractive charismatic men are abusive. Likely the same % of unattractive un charismatic men would also be abusive but can’t find as many victims.

In general, abusive men select their victims very carefully (and are discarded by non-victims early on). They seek women who are insecure, victims of previous trauma, and have weak or nonexistent support systems.

They don’t come out of the gate as abusive. They are charming, funny, devoted, and intuitive. They lull their victims into a false sense of security. They start small with micro aggressions, totally deniable, gaslighting behaviors. They isolate their victims from family and friends. They gradually undermine their victims sense of self and reality. The frog begins boiling.

Is that really what you aspire to?

DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-07T02:07:00+00:00

I grew up with an abusive father and other male family members who were abusive, so that seemed normal and comfortable to me. On top of that I’m autistic and was considered really unattractive compared to other girls my age, so I felt like no one else would ever want me and I had to take what I could get. That sort of mentality is like catnip to abusive men. Thankfully I healed and got past that pretty early.

Emergency_Matter_724 · 2026-06-07T03:52:08+00:00

Everyone enjoys a funny partner but being funny doesn’t make a man look better. I have to already find you physically attractive to care if you’re funny. I’m not sure why men don’t get this. When women list qualities they want in a man they are listing qualities they want in a man they are ALREADY physically attracted to.

Abusive men don’t all do so well in dating. Plenty of men who’d like to abuse someone have no one to abuse. You just notice the ones who are still able to attract women. This is like asking why do bitches do so well in the dating market. They don’t but if they’re attractive in other ways they can get partners.

Also: abusive people don’t lead with abuse. They usually hide that fact until they feel their partner is very committed to the relationship. A lot of abuse starts after pregnancy or marriage.

ladybird_00 · 2026-06-07T01:42:02+00:00

Because a lot of women are insecure/anxious/have mental health issues etc etc

LaFrescaTrumpeta · 2026-06-07T07:04:30+00:00

look past the abuser, look into the psychology of the abused partner who is interested in them, as well as the psychology of abused partners who don’t realize until they’re in the relationship that their partner is abusive and still don’t leave. purposely leaving this gender neutral because this isn’t a gender thing as much as it’s an attachment insecurity/self esteem thing.

don’t listen to people who unironically say “women have a unique sense to xyz” i have seen nothing to indicate that that’s true. fr fwiw as a woman it blew my mind when i realized “women’s inuition” was a belief many people have and not just a tongue in cheek phrase; i have never seen a reason to believe a girl raised on an island has inherently better intuition than a boy raised on an island, i buy that socia conditions may result in gendered trends but even then i don’t buy that it’s enough to say women have a monopoly on it.

everything ive seen in this life suggests that low self esteem people of either gender who have anxious attachment styles are more likely to bias themselves into pursuing and staying in unhealthy relationships because their core motive is to just not be rejected. these are the people pleasers willing to take the short end of the stick if it means they won’t be alone. that demographic is vulnerable to abusive treatment (#notall).

Trikger · 2026-06-07T10:20:07+00:00

My father was unpredictable and violent, especially towards my mother. My parents taught me what love was supposed to look like, and it looked like uncertainty, resentment, fear and unavailability. Regular people learn that relationships are supposed to feel safe, but for a lot of people with childhood trauma, safety doesn't feel right. Love means chaos and pain.

My last two relationships were with complete polar opposite men. One turned out to be a horrible, abusive man. The other was about as good as a person could be. Of course, the bad guy had his good traits, and the good guy had his flaws, but at their core, they were absolute textbook cases of abusive vs healthy.

What surprised me a lot with the good guy was that he never wanted to hurt me. There have been times where his actions did end up hurting me, but it was more collateral damage instead of the goal. There were no punishments. He wouldn't even yell at me or get mad. No matter what, he would never see me as less than the person I was. He was literally incapable of it.

A common pattern with abusive men is the whole love bombing cycle. I've noticed that this is what draws me in a lot as well. The love bombing itself is intoxicating. It feels like you've finally found that missing piece that makes you whole. Then, seemingly out of the blue, they rip that piece back out again, and you're left feeling more broken than before.

It's an addictive cycle. If you get rid of all the distractions, you'll find that it's a cat and mouse game. The abuser has put themselves in a position where they are in control of their partner's own perceived value, and their partner has submitted to it. In the end, their partner is constantly chasing the good times because they weren't worthless back then. They need the abuser to give them back their worth. It's a slippery slope.

DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-07T02:59:42+00:00

You know what, to actually answer your question though, what my abusive exes brought to the table was pretty much the same stuff that my non-abusive exes and current partner bring to the table. They weren’t being shitty towards me 100% of the time. Most of the time things were good, and in those times they were funny, loving, affectionate, we had some things in common, when we weren’t fighting I liked spending time with them. I have a lot of happy and funny memories, and that feels complicated for me, because I don’t have any desire to be with any of them anymore and they did absolutely awful things to me that I can never forgive.

y2kjanelle · 2026-06-07T02:04:45+00:00

A facade. Abusive people put on a facade and use it to confuse you, manipulate you, erode your self confidence, scares you, destroy your sense of normalcy until you’re forgiving things you wouldn’t.

It’s not just women that end up in abusive relationships either. When I was working in a domestic violence center, the most common thing i ever heard was

“It wasn’t always like this. They weren’t this way in the beginning”. From hundreds of different people that didn’t know each other, almost verbatim.

cb8585b · 2026-06-07T02:43:16+00:00

There are also plenty of non abusive men that do well in dating. So those abusive men probably share much of the same characteristics.

You likely just share none of them and if you do you’re not selling it well. It’s one thing to claim you’re funny and charismatic and another thing to be genuinely perceived as such. But hey reddit doesn’t know you.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2026-06-07T01:40:49+00:00

I have a better idea, since you keep spamming this topic on this sub and have all these conditions for our responses. Clearly there's a specific response you want us to give.

Why don't you tell us what answers you'll find acceptable, and we'll pick from the list? That way we don't waste our time or yours. Again.

RelativeYak7 · 2026-06-07T01:43:47+00:00

The abusive men remind certain women of their abusive fathers and those women feel at home with the treatment. It is what their idea of a man fits with.

KoninginVanRotterdam · 2026-06-07T05:07:18+00:00

Normal women don't want or like abusive men. NOT AT ALL.

Abusive men are ridiculous to me. I see them coming from miles away. I would never fall for a man like that.

Women who fall for abusive men, especially if its a pattern they keep repeating with different men, have unresolved childhood trauma. (And often BPD)

And they will keep picking the same sort of abusive man until they deal with their childhood trauma.

Im too lazy to type it out why that happens. Any one who is interested can google it. Its very well known and very well studied.

Kaleidoscopetide · 2026-06-07T01:56:10+00:00

Abusive men don't do better in dating than other men. It's just that 100% of abusive men have had girlfriends/wives, because otherwise they would not be beating them. This is obviously not a good faith post--you can't possibly believe that women enjoy being abused and choose men they know will beat the shit out of them on purpose, and you can't possibly believe that abusive men all have some other quality that unites them, like blue eyes or whatever. But I just thought i'd throw this out there, because people do tend to wonder why wifebeaters have a 100% success rate at getting married.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-06-07T01:44:26+00:00

Shouldn’t you go ask the abusive men?

vadkender · 2026-06-07T10:01:28+00:00

I think abusive men tend to be more confident. And an insecure man is a huge ick.

lady_ven0m · 2026-06-07T16:35:57+00:00

Because they’re master manipulators and just find new victims.

the_scar_when_you_go · 2026-06-07T18:16:45+00:00

Apparently, none of this is attractive to women.

Finding a person attractive is a huge distance from being reasonably certain that you're compatible enough to have a healthy, long-term relationship. That's not a personal indictment. Being incompatible with someone isn't a failure. It's just circumstance. Nobody's fault, just the way it is.

Could you just explain why abusive men do so well in dating?

Ultimately, they don't. If the goal is a long-term, happy relationship, they're losers. Kinda like the "successful" neighbor who has all the nice stuff... until they have to file for bankruptcy, or end up in prison, and have nothing. Unless that's the dream, they're a terrible model.

It's worth saying that most abusers are like most addicts. They aren't born that way. They're avg ppl who fall into dysfunctional behaviors at some point and can't, or choose not to, seek help. They genuinely can be "normal" to begin with, with no intent to harm a partner.

However, what you wanna hear is how intensely dysfunctional and toxic men get another opportunity to victimize someone. And that's frequently by picking women who've already been victimized. Research shows they're drawn to the mannerisms and trauma responses that survivors display, often subconsciously. (You might've heard that a SA survivor is 35x more likely to be targeted than the avg. That's not accurate, but it is true that each instance of intimate victimization of all types increases the chances of the next one exponentially.)

Naivety is also a factor. It's why we see many older men chasing teens. Ppl who are closer to puberty than the avg age of marriage lack the life experience necessary to make good social choices and handle things like inappropriate crushes. (Dgmw, some never grow up in that area, but it's more statistically likely among the young.)

Then there's good, old-fashioned lying. Lying about who you are can get very short-term dividends, whether you're lying about being her ideal partner or a talented stock broker who will def get her the best dividends on her life savings. Everyone ends up miserable, but it looks good for a while, from the outside.

jorts-enthusiast · 2026-06-08T16:01:48+00:00

You’re saying this like women choose abusive men *because* they’re abusive.

VividlyDissociating · 2026-06-07T02:41:36+00:00

what abusive men have that you don't is manipulation

also, everything you listed IS attractive. you just arent catching the right opportunity or you're chasing after the wrong type of women

if they chose abusive men over you then you were chasing the wrong one. they're insecure guilible idiots like my mother

badgersonice · 2026-06-07T13:52:27+00:00

You know, there’s also a toooooon of non-abusive men who are also highly attractive and get into great long term relationships with women.

Why are you only interested in finding out how the worst men get away with being evil? What is your motive?

Do you have a personal preference for having a girlfriend who is unusually tolerant of abusive behavior? Do you believe that tolerating abuse is a signal that a woman is more attracted to a man?

Why are you so focused on something that, while common, is not the majority of relationships?

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2026-06-07T12:16:42+00:00

"abuse" is a negative side of the mssculinity coin

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Novel-Tip-7570 · 2026-06-07T16:15:38+00:00

It's taboo to admit this but some people want to be abused. There are lots of people out there who are self-destructive and fall in love with their own misery.

Robot_Alchemist · 2026-06-08T00:57:52+00:00

A bat

Sonia314 · 2026-06-12T06:30:49+00:00

If class is independent of income, it’s independent of responsibility. If you were committing to the definition you claim fully that it’s just about different cultures, I wouldn’t have a problem with what you’re doing. But you’re trying to have it both ways.

I called it a claim because I know plenty of British people, and they don’t do this trying to have it both ways thing.

Sonia314 · 2026-06-07T03:06:42+00:00

Abusive men tend to exist in low income environments where women typically have serious emotional problems too. In women emotional problems often manifest as low self esteem that makes us put up with abuse. After I left my abusive relationship I climbed the socioeconomic ladder and am now in an upper class community where abusive men basically don't exist by comparison. Another factor is that lower income people tend to have more sex because their careers are pretty boring, so sex is more stimulating compared to other things they spend their time on. Another factor is that lower income people aren't typically financially independent so they are more codependent.

Gilmoregirlin · 2026-06-08T18:15:46+00:00

Abusive men don't out themselves as abusive at the initial meeting. They can go months without being abusive, sometimes even years. What do they have that attracts women? Looks, confidence, all the normal things women are attracted to! They are master manipulators too. I would work on your confidence and social skills.

Title	What do abusive men bring to the table?
Author	SouthernUral
Upvotes	54
Comments	349
Date	June 7, 2026 1:33 AM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1tyyquj/what_do_abusive_men_bring_to_the_table/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-abusive-men-bring-to-the-table.1582253 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582253

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