Is it true that almost every average couple has a dead bedroom?

demedermidimi · 2023-09-17T22:17:45+00:00

no, iirc average sex frequency for couples is about once a week

damageddude · 2023-09-18T01:54:01+00:00

Ours was somewhat lively until health canceled that. We were definitely slowing down as our libidos diminished with age until the big C said otherwise.

There was an opportunity near the end when my wife was dying from cancer — I still don’t know if that would have been a pity f*ck or if she really wanted sex. She didn’t push it and as basically her care taker by then didn’t pursue. You remember the first time with your love, not the last. No matter, we cuddled when we could until we couldn’t.

profstarship · 2023-09-18T01:37:34+00:00

No this is an absolutely preposterous idea. Average people are having average amount of sex. Deadbedroom is not normal. I think it was more normal when divorce was too taboo and u got stuck with someone you hate and every time u had sex u risked having a baby. But the vast majority of people are boning eachother. The are so busy boning in fact, that they aren't here on reddit like us losers.

Strange_Public_1897 · 2023-09-17T23:51:36+00:00

My parents don’t have a DB & together 42 years next month.

Wanna know why? They do not stop investing in themselves like their looks, they like, love, and still in love. They still flirt like two teenagers in love and still go on dates.

My parents keep putting in the sane effort they did since day one nearly 42yrs ago. Just because you get into a LTR, doesn’t mean you drop the effort. You keep investing into yourselves and the relationship to maintain sexual desire with each other.

And wanna know how I found this out? In my 30’s I’ve accidentally stumbled upon my parents looking at lingerie together, my mom has a draw full of it! I also on accident found condoms, lube, and a finger vibrator! My parents use to when I was a kid lock the bedroom door so in the mornings I wouldn’t barge in LOL

My parents also use to pawn me off after I was old enough to be watched, so they could go on dates, have mini weekend getaways into the city to go on a date for a big concert or have romantic one on one time.

You gotta realize if sex is dying, someone is not doing their part to keep investing as one person can not maintain a relationship, it takes BOTH people in the relationship to keep it alive, especially in the bedroom!

I mean my dad had his parents as an example, as they didn’t cause my grandfather I found out after he passed away use to say, “Don’t come over if it’s raining!” LOL

Anyway… like I said, bedrooms don’t starve if both people are putting in the work to maintain the relationship and never stop dating each other like it’s their first date every date.

And do not take each other for granted, let alone do not have resentment! As resentment is the number one predictor for breakups/divorces!

crushmynutsplz · 2023-09-17T22:24:59+00:00

From personal experience, every time I've dated a girl who's better looking than me, it turned into a dead bedroom situation (or at the very least she didn't want sex nearly as much as me). When it was the reverse, she usually wanted more sex than I did.

Make of this information what you will, although it's nothing more than anecdata.

ornamentalwallpaper · 2023-09-17T22:19:42+00:00

the truth is even attractive peoples bedrooms are dead

Emergency-Escape1708 · 2023-09-17T22:16:12+00:00

They eventually do become dead. It's true. Because life after marriage in 30s and 40s and so on gets tedious with responsibilities and stress. You have to prioritize sexual pleasure in life at the expense of other things and people with common sense rarely do that.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-09-17T23:11:51+00:00

Wouldn’t it help to know if the couples you ask bring religious or cultural inhibitions to the marriage? Mental health issues or obesity? A shared interest in a healthy lifestyle or one-sided?

itsokiloveu · 2023-09-18T00:39:07+00:00

My best friend is 25 and her parents have been married 30 years. She makes jokes about her parents not being able to keep their hands off each other, even after 3 kids and laughs about occasionally hearing them have sex (when she was growing up) in their room and having to wear headphones at night to block out the sound, lol.

I know this is anecdotal and probably also rare, but there are absolutely long-term couples who are still sexually attracted to each other and have frequent sex.

Billsandasonom · 2023-09-17T23:46:03+00:00

Women still voluntarily get with and stay with men they aren't really that attracted to, b/c women prefer to be in relationships, so whatever RP guys or women saying otherwise isn't accurate. Maybe many single women are just true shut-ins you rarely see or meet in public, but from observation remotely well-adjusted single women are rare. Women would rather be alone? Where?

Re: dead bedrooms I haven't come across many couples who necessarily admit to not having sex anymore but it's hard to find people actually excited or seemingly genuinely happy in their LTR beyond the honeymoon phase. This happens even among goodlooking couples. Life and stress happen and looks get old, people get tired of each other.

MasterTeacher123 · 2023-09-18T02:34:03+00:00

Is a “dead bedroom” no sex at all or just not the amount one party wants?

operation-spot · 2023-09-17T23:26:09+00:00

Men seem terrified of ending up in a dead bedroom but it’s a lot more common than you think. Life gets tough and sex stops being a priority. If you truly love your partner there will be enough there to sustain the relationship until things get easier.

Contrary to popular belief it’s not about attractiveness because ultimately there are more important things. Focus on having the best relationship, not the most sex.

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DivineDaedra · 2023-09-18T02:08:54+00:00

Definitely not at a significantly higher rate than particularly attractive couples. Most people like sex, but as sex drives change and life stressors add up it can end up being low priority (especially if the couple has kids).

That being said, you know what demographic has a LOT of sex? Octogenarians. Seriously. Apparently something like 23% of them have sex once a week or more.

It’s more about free time and responsibilities than attraction, I think.

chicky2018 · 2023-09-18T02:36:31+00:00

Between kids and work most people don’t get enough time to sleep so yeah I guess so

antariusz · 2023-09-18T03:09:23+00:00

I can't speak to every average couple... I've been in a few 1+ year long relationship and none of them had a dead bedroom, except the one that went on for about 4.5 years, and the final 0.5 years was a dead bedroom.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2023-09-18T06:15:43+00:00

Even if the bedroom is NOT dead, the sex is

"duty" sex
The man MUST dance like a monkey and clap his symbols to ASK for sex
The man can only do X moves. (The woman may have been a freak for Chad/Tyrone, but for Bob, its starfish sex).
The man has to wait for the right time
The man is limited to a few times a month
The man KNOWS his partner does NOT find him sexually attractive
The wife "let herself go," but if the man decides to work less, not provide, runs away from danger, or lets himself go, she LEAVES and takes half.
Constantly hears, "Are you done yet," "How long is this going to take," "Hurry up," "About time."
The woman is on her phone during sex

Internal-Fig-7902 · 2023-09-17T22:23:55+00:00

Couples have the most sex at the beginning of marriage, then it's a steady decline that eventually leads to a dead bedroom.

purpleunicorn888 · 2023-09-18T00:27:03+00:00

It depends on the couple. Sex frequency does decrease after marriage or the newness of any relationship wears off. I think both people should be wildly attracted to one another. This will keep the relationship alive. Also it is important to make sure the two people are sexually compatible and have similar drives. I’m 40F, strangers and random people tell me I’m really hot/pretty (conventionally attractive). I also am very high drive and demisexual (need connection before I feel attraction).

Here’s a comment I wrote about DB that I copy & pasted (sometimes links aren’t allowed):

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It sounds like you’re at your wits end and are just looking to have a healthy sex life. There is no shame in that. At all.

I think the commenters, which seem to be all women (I’m 40F but very high drive), trying to characterize you as some kind of insensitive, sex crazed, bad husband are totally off base! I see no evidence of that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ From what you shared you seem like a great husband and committed to your family. It’s awesome that you and your wife tried therapy for a year too! Personally I would be very dissatisfied with sex twice a month. I cannot even fathom how miserable I would be with sex once every three months and it being marked on the calendar 📆 like a dentist appointment. Life is too short for this kind of nonsense.

You should not feel guilty about divorcing your wife, seems like you tried really hard and maybe it’s just a libido mismatch. I don’t know why the sex withholding spouse is always the “good guy” and the sex desiring spouse is always the “bad guy”…that just doesn’t make sense to me—maybe I’m missing something? I am open to compelling, well laid out, logical arguments (and please no personal attacks). If anything, I think the sex withholding spouse is the “bad guy” since sex is an essential part of marriage (with exceptions like a bad accident, becoming disabled, health issues that prevent it, spouse was SA’ed, and other compelling reasons that are beyond the sex withholding spouse’s control). I’ve said this in other comments before, but SEX IS THE ONLY THING YOU CANNOT OUTSOURCE IN A MARRIAGE. Although OP, you did unsuccessfully propose trying to outsource it. 🫠

Lastly, I feel like you have a classic case of the gf/fiancé ramping up the sex frequency before marriage but then reducing it after the commitment is secured. For anyone saying that OP is to blame for marrying a low libido spouse, I don’t think that’s fair. Having the sex frequency go from twice a month to once every three months is a ~83% reduction. That is very significant.

eyewave · 2023-09-17T23:04:34+00:00

What I wonder is why sleeping around still is frowned upon, cheatery and dealbreaker even when a dead bedroom takes place.

When I marry, I want to make it clear that not meeting emotional/sexual needs while keeping me from being satiated elsewhere is downright fucking cruel.

passportbro999 · 2023-09-17T23:15:27+00:00

In Asian countries women generally let men see prostitutes or massage girls as long as they dont bring them home or go on dates with them.

Sucks for the west!

TheMedsPeds · 2023-09-18T11:41:50+00:00

Well considering RP is nonsense yeah I doubt it. I’m sure there is a decent percentage of couples that fuck less than once a month (that’s considered a dead bedroom) but it’s probably due to other reasons that’s aren’t. “I settled with a beta.” Lol.

Tomboylov3r · 2023-09-18T01:09:27+00:00

How the fuck are we gonna know? We don’t pry into everyone’s bedroom. Even if it’s alive, it doesn’t mean they are enjoying it. If people are having bad sex, then there are people having good sex.

CountMandrake · 2023-09-18T02:45:32+00:00

It's one of the reassons why I chosed to stay single, yeah, pretty much every woman I've been with, no matter how crazy and sexual she was at the begining, sex would stagnate after certain period of time.

The only woman I've been with that for some reasson never fell out of love or dropped her sexual energy was my ex-fiancee (that's why I almost married her, mind you) but we had to parted ways for unrelated reassons.

I've been single for the past three years, and things are great. I've found that the source of deadbedrooms is cohabitation + commitment, so by keeping things casual the girls I date always are at their top game, and since we are not commited if I have problems with the frecuency I can date other girls.

Plus, I have a chunk of free time I spend working out, making money and doing the things I enjoy, so all in all I would say single life is the best when it comes to returns.

Fit_Kiwi9703 · 2023-09-17T23:18:08+00:00

Every long-term couple is headed for a dead bedroom. Factor in children, stress, insomnia, menopause, and a decrease in hormones due to aging, the horniest of couples will still end up having a lot less sex in 40 yrs.