Should sleeping with others in the talking phase of a relationship be seen as a dealbreaker? why or why not?

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2023-02-27T18:27:46+00:00

For me personally, it more depends on the other person. I'm a fan of people who are more consistent with themselves and try to reciprocate that.

If she communicates to me that she's not into casual arrangements, does not keep in touch with exes, and only dates with serious intentions, then I would say it is a dealbreaker if she is sleeping with others (because her expressed desire do not seem to match her behavior). I did have one past flame who was like this. She was a "good Christian girl" who dated with serious intentions. Except when she wasn't going on dates, you can 'hang out' with her, go have a couple beers, and end up in bed together. Depending on the guy, 'it was a mistake' - a pattern of mistakes that she did not grow out of until she ended up a single mother (twice). She grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of complexes, and she fed off external validation from men.

If instead she owns her lifestyle, has lots of experience dating, and tells me to do what's best for me, then I would say it is not a dealbreaker (since her words match her behavior). The woman I lost my virginity to was this type. To this day, I have the very occasional fleeting but fond memory of her. She did eventually meet a guy and they felt serious about each other. We haven't spoken in years, but last we did, they moved to Colorado to start a life together.

The reverse is also true: a woman who I'm seeing with serious intentions, I will also be upfront with her about my activities (so she can opt out at any time).

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-02-27T17:53:11+00:00

I think it’s a personal preference. Some people are gonna be like “yeah I’m out” and others are going to be like “well we aren’t together yet so, whatever”

TetsuoTamayaka · 2023-02-27T21:36:48+00:00

Of course. If she is seeing me and she still feels the need to see other guys and sleep with them what’s the point? It means that she is not into me that much.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-27T18:07:15+00:00

Depends on the person. Either way, you should make sure you've agreed about what's okay and what isn't. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who sleeps around, whether we were "talking" or not wouldn't really matter.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-27T19:28:25+00:00

It is for me. I get talking to other people, but if you're sleeping with them, in my mind, you aren't super interested in me and that's enough for me to say no thanks. I also really dislike casual sex so that shows a difference in values for me that would mean we don't need to talk any further.

Demasii · 2023-02-27T17:49:02+00:00

People seems to be split on this.

And that's ok. It's ok to have different standards when it comes to being romantically involved with someone.

If this information is important to you then hopefully you ask questions early on to prevent potentially wasting several years of your own and another person's life.

Little-grey_boi · 2023-02-27T17:24:48+00:00

I've dated women who assumed sleeping with others after sleeping with me was no big deal so I guess not

just_a_place · 2023-02-27T21:01:33+00:00

I would say yes because I remember there being a girl I was really falling for not that long ago and when I found out she was still having casual sex with another guy it completely killed my desire to invest any of my feelings further with her. I felt weird but ultimately the nascent feelings I was developing for her ceased and then I just became meh. And it was a good thing too because I avoided any and all potential heartache before I cough any serious feels for her.

We just stayed friends and I still talk to her. She will never know I was falling for her and now that I think back on it it feels kinda strange that I ever started to feel that way about her because now just don't see myself loving her in that way at all. I still like her as a friend though and I would have her back but never in a soulmate kind of way.

CombinationUsed7938 · 2023-02-27T19:27:15+00:00

According to my values, yes it's a dealbreaker.

Casual sex is a 🚩.

Endasweknowit122 · 2023-02-27T19:44:38+00:00

Lol yes, clear sign of manipulation imo.

fupadestroyer45 · 2023-02-27T21:36:11+00:00

After around date 3, instinctually people understand that you're on the border of exclusivity starting to be implied. I find the statement "If you want exclusivity, you need to make it clear" beyond narcissistic. When I'm talking to multiple women, I KNOW that it can cause massive hurt feelings if I don't make it clear. To me, it's a cop out from accepting any responsibility on how your actions affect others and therefore you're not relationship material. The oneous is on the person who can cause harm to let the other person know, not the other way around. No one's hurt the other person by thinking exclusivity was implied, vice versa happens all the time.

childish_badda_bingo · 2023-02-27T18:20:38+00:00

Yes, it’s a dealbreaker. You aren’t truly capable of being romantically engaged if you’re getting railed out by multiple fwbs and randoms. It’s misrepresentation.

lolomotif12 · 2023-02-27T21:32:53+00:00

If she can't keep her legs closed momentarily for others just to see how things go with you and be fully focused on you then that is a big red flag.

Numerous_Ad_1555 · 2023-02-27T22:47:08+00:00

Me personally when you’ve got close enough to the person you should take the risk and start working on being exclusive. If you don’t do that it doesn’t work well.

You don’t fuck 28 people on Tuesday and ask 1 person for a relationship on Thursday.

It’s like those girls that say “I’m single until there’s a ring on my finger”, it doesn’t work lol that. No guy wants to marry them.

Jillsandwich98 · 2023-02-28T00:20:17+00:00

If she's seeing other people and sleeping with them, then she's probably not that into me. I know we all compromise and settle in some way but what's the point of entering into a relationship with someone that is not absolutely sure about you?

TempoIndigo · 2023-02-28T00:48:57+00:00

100% dealbreaker

Antisocialite99 · 2023-02-28T03:04:10+00:00

I think of it more as a non starter than a deal breaker. If someone's not trying to be monogamous with you they're going to make you chase them.

microphone_commander · 2023-02-27T17:31:29+00:00

If there's no official commitment made I dont expect a woman to be seeing me exclusively and vice versa

So it's not for me

therealcosmicnebula · 2023-02-27T19:00:59+00:00

I wouldn't date anyone that has casual sex. So, it's deal-breaker for me.

If I found out later that someone I was currently dating was sleeping with someone else at the time they said they were interested in me, I'd end the relationship immediately.

And then never speak to them again.

I don't so shit like that. I don't want to be around people who so shit like that. Period.

aint_no_scrub · 2023-02-27T19:18:05+00:00

In this world, there are two types of women: those who keep sleeping with others knowing that the other isn’t seeing others, and those who don’t.

I try to avoid interacting with the first type.

Filmguy000 · 2023-02-27T18:25:13+00:00

This is one of those things that initially disappointed me when I began dating as a man. Almost all women that I have dated were very quiet about talking and sleeping with other guys in their "vetting" phase. And they almost always had multiple men in rotation, even for sex. Yet most of them were not keen on the idea of me seeing other people. And I never really did. I would just imply it just to see their reaction, and it was always negative. Whenever I liked a girl, it was usually just her that I would "talk" to. But these new women can't seem to hang with that these days.

bootyhunter69420 · 2023-02-27T20:05:47+00:00

I would prefer her to not fuck other dudes. It would be even worse if she's making me wait while having hookups.

Clueless_Forever · 2023-02-27T20:30:48+00:00

Yes that is a dealbreaker (for me personally).

If the sex is casual that is a dealbreaker because I don’t do casual and I want someone with similar values.

The only way it wouldn’t be casual is if they’re in a relationship with the one they’re sleeping with, but then why are they talking to me?

Are they cheating? That’s a dealbreaker, I despise cheaters.

Are they polyamorous/have an open relationship? That’s also a dealbreaker, I am strictly monogamous and want a partner who is the same.

There’s no way for a guy to sleep with someone else while he’s talking to me that makes it not a dealbreaker.

SaltyPeanut-27 · 2023-02-27T23:01:58+00:00

First of all I would have concern about STD…

Acupofjojo · 2023-02-28T00:10:50+00:00

It should absolutely be a deal breaker! Unless I am the one offending, then it's perfectly fine.

riceweight · 2023-02-28T03:36:12+00:00

It’s a personal thing. Dating isn’t and shouldn’t be one size fits all. There is “one size fits 99%”, “this will never fit anyone”, etc, but other situations are very subjective. This is one of them.

To me, this is a dealbreaker. My bf immediately broke off his FWB the night we met. I broke off my FWB after our first date. This is evidence of our clear intent and interest in each other.

I am not a fan of juggling multiple men in the talking phase — it dehumanizes them and makes me feel more powerful than I am. I would not be able to respect a man who did that either.

Familiar_Egg8802 · 2023-02-27T21:02:41+00:00

lmao, imagine being a dude and romancing a chick who got herself filled with semen from another guy the day before.

Anyone who says it's OK is a cuck %100,

Uzi-Lover · 2023-02-27T17:26:38+00:00

If you want to be exclusive with someone, communicate that you want to be exclusive.

Barring that, no man or woman is my property, and they are free to act as they see fit.

Now if I'm speaking to a chick and she fucks like ten dudes in the course of this 'talking phase', I am probably gonna' be like, eh, that's kinda insane and next her. If she fucks a dude or two, then wants to be exclusive after she realizes I'm cool as fuck, sure, yeah, ok, whatever, works for me.

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-02-27T17:52:46+00:00

What is a “talking phase”?

Either you’re dating or you’re not - if you expect to be monogamous, communicate that (e.g. I don’t multi-date).

wtknight · 2023-02-27T17:40:03+00:00

I think that it is personally because people should only be sleeping with people whom they have an emotional attachment with. But for people who think that casual sex is okay, I don't think that it's a dealbreaker as there is not a full emotional commitment yet.

fupadestroyer45 · 2023-02-27T18:27:29+00:00

How far courting has fallen. How could it not be a deal breaker? How could I even make the determination whether I would commit to someone without seeing relationship conducive behavior? Relationships are fluid, they don't have a clean start and end date like the "modern PC" dating bylaws claim. If you want the relationship to be respectful, the foundation needs to be built on respect, not this hedonistic view that we're 100% free until we say the magic words "we're together". Children need rules to control their behavior, adults control themselves.

Royal-Tip4585 · 2023-02-27T18:47:50+00:00

No because there’s an uneven power dynamic where women can always be having dudes to fuck. While that’s less of a chance for him.

ArmDiscombobulated29 · 2023-02-27T19:57:01+00:00

If we’re talking we’re fucking and if we’re fucking that’s it no one else

houstongradengineer · 2023-02-27T22:39:54+00:00

Bruh literally, do whatever you want. This one is up for personal interpretation.

I will say that, whatever you decide, it really should go both ways.

Weird_Slice4439 · 2023-02-28T04:37:41+00:00

Personally, I have to be a little invested with a woman to sleep with her. I'll lose respect for a woman that wants dick immediately.

VGperson · 2023-02-28T05:53:27+00:00

It's a pass. Women sleeping with different men throughout the week is indication that she has a need for a attention and hole for D that one man is incapable of satisfying. The risk of infidelity and everything that comes with it is far too likely to take that risk.

VanVahlen · 2023-02-28T07:52:02+00:00

Pretty damn subjective, it is for me cause what do I want with someone who cant keep it in their pants

DontDefendTheElite · 2023-02-28T15:34:43+00:00

Absolute deal breaker. I will never compete for anyone’s love or attention. Fuck no

porchind · 2023-02-28T18:24:25+00:00

yeah, unless you are both very attractive people who have had a lot of sex. Thats the only time this kind of thing works. the guy is a chad always getting laid, and the woman is a stacy always getting laid so theyre both genuinely not insecure. Most of the time though its gonna be a guy getting laid much less than the woman hes talking to, and she'll be having sex until they make it official, which any self respecting guy wouldnt accept.

snsjsthrowj · 2023-02-28T19:29:37+00:00

I was sleeping with several other women before I went exclusive with my girl

abaxeron · 2023-02-27T18:01:19+00:00

Should sleeping with others in the talking phase of a relationship be seen as a dealbreaker?

Yes.

why or why not?

Same reason why getting blowjobs from others in the "married with kids" phase of a relationship should be seen as a dealbreaker.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2023-02-27T17:36:41+00:00

No because guys would have zero options lmao

gymbro718nyc2 · 2023-02-27T22:01:51+00:00

I can't think of anything more stupid than committing to exclusivity with someone you are not only not sleeping with yet, but that you haven't dated for at least 3-6 months.

Impossible_You_8555 · 2023-02-27T17:36:39+00:00

It's not a romantic anything unless there is sex

Until you get sex, she should expect no loyalty

After that you can have a conversation

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-02-27T18:03:42+00:00

I'd say if you want exclusivity you should talk about it

Spread-Em-Plz · 2023-02-27T18:12:45+00:00

The whole point of a “talking” stage seems to be specifically that we’re NOT yet exclusive , and hence,

I might not necessarily want her to go and have sex with other dudes, and she might not want me having sex with other girls, but if neither her or I can make that clear, then all bets are off

If you wanna be exclusive before the bf/gf stage, that shit has to be known, not implied

I have, however met others who seem to think the talking stage is exclusive, when inherently it really isn’t, since the whole point of it is gauging whether or not you want to be exclusive with the other person

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-02-27T18:26:30+00:00

No. Especially in the context of online dating, it takes time and effort to get to know people and start building that relationship and if I throw them all out the window the second I start talking to them, that means I'm back to square one in the very likely scenario that things don't go anywhere with the person I'm talking to.

If you want exclusivity from the get go, you're more than welcome to ask for it, but don't just expect it.

Safinated · 2023-02-27T18:13:07+00:00

It really is a matter of personal taste, morals and individual circumstances. There are arguments for everything

Loose-Bet-3787 · 2023-02-27T18:15:12+00:00

Not a dealbreaker. Talking is just talking. You can’t expect anyone to be loyal to you if you aren’t committed to them. If you expect loyalty in the talking phase (which is disagree with but whatever floats your boat) your needs should be discussed ahead of time

ta06012022 · 2023-02-27T18:19:06+00:00

It’s fine to sleep with other people until you’ve agreed that you’re exclusive. I’m not going to stop sleeping with other girls just because I sleep with a girl from Tinder who I’ve been on one date with. Who knows if we’ll actually end up on a second date, let alone in an exclusive relationship. I’m not going to put my dating life on hold until I find out.

Unless both parties have agreed to be exclusive, I don’t think there should be an expectation of commitment on either side.

MasterTeacher123 · 2023-02-27T19:30:51+00:00

Until y’all are official you should always assume the other person your “talking to” is dealing with other people.

edgyny · 2023-02-27T23:42:55+00:00

I would breakup with anyone who even mentions the concept of a "talking phase". Jesus Christ. I'm not playing some dumb RPG dating a dungeonmaster.

Usual-Leopard-9102 · 2023-02-28T00:40:02+00:00

There is no rule or objective thing about it. Its something emotional and everybody is different. In this case the only way is to beheave like you feel about it.

For me its a deal breaker an absolute no go. Truth is my instinct tells me "Her womb is used by another guy now you cant have children with her". I dont say its okay or whatever but that instinct, i cant do anything about it. I dont even want to have directly children with her. But yeah feelings are feelings. The other more advanced part of my brain is like "perhabs it didnt worked out and you are number 2 now you have the risk she will get another one". And my highest rational thinking is. "Im not important enough for her dont waste my time there will be someone where im the number 1".

Im NOT saying my opinion is right! Im just honest so it can help other people.

anonymous-platypus1 · 2023-02-28T02:08:23+00:00

My boyfriend was having sex with someone else when we first started talking. I didn’t mind. My rule is that so long as we are both making time for one another and actively trying to hangout, whoever else my partner is seeing can’t be getting that much time with him. We didn’t have sex until we’d been dating for six months, prior to which he’d stopped having sex, talking to, or seeing anyone else.

I wasn’t having sex with anyone but I was talking to other men. All of whom kinda tapered off the more serious I got with my current bf. By the time we had the exclusivity talked we’d be exclusive for a while.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-02-27T17:53:00+00:00

No a relationship isn't exclusive until it's exclusive. People dating should talk about their expectations. If they want someone to be sexually exclusive at the "talking phase" they need to communicate that.

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siIkYyyYy · 2023-02-27T18:09:27+00:00

It would be a dealbreaker for me

lolthankstinder · 2023-02-27T18:11:59+00:00

What exactly is the “talking phase of a relationship”?

bluestjuice · 2023-02-27T18:23:46+00:00

People should just communicate their expectations and boundaries transparently and make their choices accordingly.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-02-27T18:24:45+00:00

It would depend on the people. Some people wouldn't have an issue sleeping with other while still not officially in a committed relationship, other people tend to only see one person and consider seeing others cheating, even if it's not a committed relationship yet. Talk about these things with the person you're seeing.

It would be a dealbreaker for me, personally. If we're to the point of considering what we've got going on a relationship and the guy is still sleeping with other people, that tells me he isn't all that invested in the whole thing. You either want a relationship or casual friendly fucking, can't be both at the same time. If we're seeing each other, but the relationship discussion hasn't even come up, then it wouldn't bother me.

KDOX_ · 2023-02-27T18:35:00+00:00

if they want you, they’ll let it be known. You are not tied to someone until both sides have made it clear that they would potential like to initiate a relationship with one another.

LiftSushiDallas · 2023-02-27T19:21:23+00:00

Until exclusivity is decided on by both people, both are free agents in the sexual marketplace.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2023-02-27T19:25:10+00:00

If you are looking for something serious it definitely should. If my fiancé had been sleeping with anyone else while we were getting to know each other I would have ruled out a relationship from that point on.

sweetestpineapple · 2023-02-27T20:00:30+00:00

To me, no. If we haven’t made a commitment to each other yet then there’s no reason to assume we’re exclusive. It’s not weird to hook up with a few different people around the same time and see if something develops from that. That’s how most of my relationships have started.

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-02-27T20:03:37+00:00

I don't understand the point of playing a stupid little game where you both try to divine the best time to begin monogamy and then get mad at each other for guessing wrong.

If you haven't agreed to exclusivity and the person sleeps with someone and you get mad... you're acting like a child and that is a dealbreaker.

King-SAMO · 2023-02-27T20:47:18+00:00

the trouble happens when guys need to put all of their efforts into locking a woman down, such that he has no room in his life for a side piece. If she’s playing a passive enough role in the budding relationship, then she could absolutely have time to smash a good looking match.

so then you wind up with a butthurt dude who was fully committed long before she was, he’s gonna feel some kind of way about that discrepancy, and in many cases he probably ought to.

cl1p5 · 2023-02-27T20:48:23+00:00

Have you agreed to be monogamous ?

blebbyroo · 2023-02-27T20:51:25+00:00

If you just starting talking to each-other and maybe went on one date I think it’s fine but by the end of second date if you feel like it could really go someone with about someone I think naturally you stop wanting to be available for other dates so that you can see more of the person you are most interested in

MC-Purp · 2023-02-27T20:51:39+00:00

I believe alls fair until the “exclusivity” conversation happens. That being said, whatever someone’s stance on this issue, I hope they hold the same standard for both parties involved.

Plastic_Secretary449 · 2023-02-27T21:03:41+00:00

Depends tbh. I think it’s something to be vocal about with eachother communication is equally as important during the talking phase as it is in a relationship. If there’s a keen interest between each-other other than lust I wouldn’t be perusing anyone else other than that person so for me it would be a dealbreaker

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-02-27T21:15:55+00:00

Everyone has their own standards

tinasnow-poty · 2023-02-27T21:40:00+00:00

Talking phase implies that you’re simply talking. If I’m going on dates with someone I’m dating them, and I wouldn’t be sleeping with other people during that time. I would hope they feel the same but it’s not a dealbreaker if not. I don’t really mind what he does before we express exclusivity. Out of sight, out of mind. But then I do have the exclusivity talk after about a month of dating

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-02-27T21:41:52+00:00

Talking is just talking, there’s no obligation at that stage. However, if someone is having a lot of hookups while we’re talking, that tells me we’re probably not on the same page when it comes to sex and relationships. Same goes for if they were sleeping around like crazy right before we started talking. Now if it happened years ago? Don’t really care. It’s the recentness of the behavior pattern that tells me they’re probably still in some sort of hookup phase, and will most likely just wanna fuck around.

bodaciousbonsai · 2023-02-27T22:39:37+00:00

What the heck does "Talking phase of a relationship" even mean? If I'm only talking to you and haven't gone on a single date, there's no way in hell I'm even considering you for a relationship yet. That only happens when we meet and go on a series of dates.

anon-sucks · 2023-02-27T22:46:47+00:00

The general rule is if y’all agree to be monogamous then it’s cheating.

KayRay1994 · 2023-02-27T23:42:01+00:00

its the talking stage with no set rules or boundaries, there is no exclusivity yet and frankly I would prob still be dating around until one of us decides to have the exclusivity talk… which, in my case, if the feelings are strong i wouldn’t mind initiating it

mrlunes · 2023-02-27T23:49:40+00:00

Really depends. If you are just talking then there is no commitment. Some people are turned off by someone who keeps the rotation going until a formal commitment. In a sense, they want to be the only one they are talking to because it gives them a feeling of exclusivity. Other people don’t care because that’s how they play the game as well. It’s not a right or wrong, just personal preference

Turbulent_Loss634 · 2023-02-28T05:15:00+00:00

Why are we pretending that anything matters anymore

That__EST · 2023-02-28T12:12:39+00:00

This is one of those things where I personally wouldn't do it but if I had my brother beating himself up about having sex with someone else during the talking stage with someone else, I'd tell him this wasn't that big of a deal. From what I've been able to tell from people who are able to get two different relationships in their life, many relationships once you get into adulthood have an overlap.

KamuiObito · 2023-02-28T15:15:56+00:00

Ts weird asl and usually those br open relationship with one or both partners being off and on in the relationship..it’s literally just asking for sb to keep apologizing to you every other month..unless your old cuz if your 35. It’s probably different

throwawayofc1112 · 2023-02-28T16:41:36+00:00

Huge dealbreaker, I don’t think I’d want anything to do with her after that.

Yozora1337 · 2023-03-01T07:53:51+00:00

If the other person even speaks with other people it's a deal breaker. I'm not here to compete.

RX-HER0 · 2023-03-04T01:10:27+00:00

I'd probably be out. To each their own.

magmac0w · 2023-03-04T02:51:57+00:00

Unfortunately for me I was not aware that he had been hooking up with another woman during our talking phase until well over a year into our relationship. This hurt big time and kind of shattered how I viewed him afterwards. I was completely loyal to him and I felt so stupid for it. I felt betrayed. But a whole year into our relationship I had already fallen in love with this man and knew he was the one. So I had to really sit back and process that heartbreak.

If I had found out while we were still in the talking phase I would have 100% blocked him and moved on. That’s just me.

We’re married now and sometimes i’ll admit it still bothers me, but thats on me. He is more than his past and his mistakes. I love him. I just have some insecurities I need to work through.

HuckleberryBig3420 · 2023-03-06T20:11:52+00:00

I just operate under the assumption that anyone I’m talking to could sleep with someone else. If I get to the point where I’m not comfortable with it or if we begin sleeping together then I’ll say something and we can lay some ground rules or stop talking

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-02-27T18:28:38+00:00

If we're in the talking phase...meaning no explicit commitments for sexual exclusivity have been made....it should be assumed that both parties are potentially sexually active with other people. I don't know of a single person that I've talked with who doesn't both believe and practice the preceeding. How are people split lol. While I'm single and talking to a dozen different people...I'll just be celibate!?!?! I firmly believe that anyone who claims to live that way is a liar.

ExpensiveShoulder580 · 2023-02-27T18:19:43+00:00

All I gotta say is thank God for religion making it sinful to talk to others if someone is courting you. Let alone sleeping with others big yikes.

Besides, it's not the breach of trust that makes the idea of sleeping with others sickening, it's the sleeping with others itself that is yucky.

DeepHouseDJ007 · 2023-02-27T22:21:29+00:00

If you’re in the talking phase you’re it in a relationship and you’re definitely not entitled to know if the other person is getting laid with other people.

Title	Should sleeping with others in the talking phase of a relationship be seen as a dealbreaker? why or why not?
Author	Pizzashillsmom
Upvotes	36
Comments	215
Date	February 27, 2023 5:11 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11dh0ss/should_sleeping_with_others_in_the_talking_phase/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/should-sleeping-with-others-in-the-talking-phase.1154148 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154148

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