What is the dating experience like for an average man?

WhiteLotusGauntlet · 2024-12-10T05:41:11+00:00

It's like applying for jobs.

For most people, it's fine, they have a job. They got it a while ago, maybe through their contact network when graduating from college, or knew the right person to introduce them years ago. Some people seem to hop around pretty frequently, but each job they have seems sort of sketchy. Finding one was probably easier for Boomers back in the day.

But if you're not one of the few highly sought after individuals, the prospect of looking for a job probably fills you with dread. You'll need to send out hundreds of requests to get any reasonable number of responses, and it seems like half the ones listing an opening aren't actually looking and just stay open forever. Each request is also a bunch of hoops to jump through, and you have to do all the tedious steps with a smile and pretend you enjoy the process.

Also, you get to listen to all the sad social media posts about how hard it is to find talent and how nobody wants to work anymore, and bite your tongue that apparently you are so undesirable that your application doesn't count.

I swear like half the wage gap between men and women is just that men are more conditioned to switch jobs for a higher salary since their experience dating has numbed them to the rejection and dehumanization of job applications.

nnuunn · 2024-12-10T06:05:27+00:00

Imagine looking for a job, but everyone has wildly different ideas of the right way to go about how to do it. Your dad says to just go to the office and shake the CEO's hand, your friends tell you to have a fun resume that shows you're a cool guy, your youth pastor said that you should make your entire life about work, the Internet gurus tell you to always show up late to assert dominance, etc. Every once in a while, some hodgepodge of these behaviors nets you a job, but if you get laid off, you have no idea what you did right or wrong and are back to taking stabs in the dark.

LAKings55 · 2024-12-10T06:33:58+00:00

A mind numbing slog

RushtyTinker · 2024-12-10T13:18:36+00:00

Gen-z, I'm actually average, height/weight/maybe slightly above average looks. Women seem to think average height = short now which I'm pretty sure is due to this hypergamy thing you guys talk about.

We're in survival mode and completely burnt out before hitting 30 because stagnant wages and an ever increasing cost of living. It's hitting us particularly hard because we can't just get a partner and split the burden.

In regards to dating you get maybe 1-2 dating opportunities a decade and they're more than likely going to abuse you/cheat on you/resent you for a billion reasons. The women around your own level want nothing to do with you and why would they? they can do better. So you aim lower and still get cheated on by an obese chick that's never had a job that treats you like total shit and when you break up she goes on more dates in a month than you've had in your entire life.

Also you're probably going to be balding if you're truly average, unless you're tall or intensely handsome that's basically it; you're fucked.

That's it basically

IdiAminD · 2024-12-10T08:08:12+00:00

I am older than majority of guys here - but as I see not much have changed, and I have experience of being above average, below average and average in looks.

If you are above average - your pickup line is 'Hi' or even 'Hi' is not needed because plenty of girls know your name and will somehow try to approach you. Either directly or via some mutual friend or by facilitating some situation to know you better. But the problem is that girls you really would like to hang out with seem to be indifferent - so no problem if you want only physical stuff, but real connection is also not that easy.
If you are below average you are fucked. Really - fucked, invisible to women and ignored. No amount of personality can make up for it, guys who are unlucky with their appearance are counting on some luck, but they need to be very patient.
Average - if you take care of your appearance by being fit, dressing well, and you have some things going on about you - you will be more or less ok, not many opportunities and you need to be active but ie. in my case - there were 3-4 girls really interested in the course of the year. I would say that girls I've met being average were much more interesting than the ones I've met being 'chadlite'.

Tren_troll · 2024-12-10T04:42:12+00:00

Slot machine simulator. Just keep pulling that lever, bro. Gambling is 0% luck, 100% dedication.

MyKensho · 2024-12-10T22:09:09+00:00

Let me paint a picture for you. You're at home chillin and a little bit of loneliness creeps in, so you pull out your phone to cycle through your dozens of Tinder matches. You hope to stumble upon a good partner or some validation at the very least.

Now that it's super vivid in your minds eye, imagine that there are no matches. There are no likes. Not just once, but over and over again for weeks or months at a time. You're completely acclimated to coming up with super elaborate messages, intros, compliments, etc. that go absolutely nowhere. You treat the very, very rare match with extreme care as not to potentially fuck it up.

That's a bit of a taste of dating as the average guy. And I do mean a taste.

MikeArrow · 2024-12-10T10:58:37+00:00

I'll preface by saying that I'm not an 'average man'. I know that due to my morbid obesity and lack of social skills I'm pretty undesirable to most women.

That said, in the past six years I've gone on two dates. One in September 2020, one in March 2023. Both of those were from women I met playing D&D. At the time they showed their interest in me, I wasn't actively looking to date, which is probably why I was able to just be myself around them, not desperate and overly forward. But when they made their interest known, I leapt at the chance. Chances come along so incredibly rarely that each one is a precious jewel, to be cherished and nurtured with utmost care. They're so rare, in fact, that I don't think you can truly comprehend the pressure and anxiety I felt at the time. How desperately I needed for these dates to go well, knowing that if they failed, I would be completely and utterly alone for years until someone else came along to give me a chance. And also knowing that I couldn't let that mask slip, even for a moment. That I had to hide those feelings away in a locked vault, lest they give me away as a creepy loser who can't get a date and therefore ruin what fleeting, ephemeral interest they had in me in the first place.

That's what dating is like for guys like me.

SadCahita · 2024-12-10T06:56:23+00:00

barely existent, akin to job hunting as other user said

Major-Ask7133 · 2024-12-10T13:15:12+00:00

I’m a below average man so I guess this question isn’t really for me. But, I can share my experience. Basically trying to date as a short below average man lead me to inceldom. I’m short and below average looking even with all the work I put in. I’m invisible to women at best and a joke to them at worst. It’s made me incredibly hateful and resentful. I thought there’d be at least one ugly loser out there and we could be happy together. I know that sounds cruel but that’s all I really wanted. Just a woman who’s like me. But due to modern dating dynamics even that is impossible.

Super-Franky-Power · 2024-12-10T16:22:00+00:00

Can't date without experience, can't get experience without dating. Just doesn't seem like there's a solution unless it's to be a sleaze bag that tries to hook up with every woman they meet or groom em while they're young. Not into either of these so I guess I'll just live my life.

TraditionalPen2076 · 2024-12-10T07:20:22+00:00

Completely fucked up and gets worse every year

Technical-Minute2140 · 2024-12-10T09:17:52+00:00

Makes me feel unlovable and like I’m not even human. Feels like I have to pull teeth and dance like a puppet on strings to be considered a worthy prospect by a girl. Feels like applying for a job that’s “desperately hiring” then getting stuck in an endless loop of interviews where I have to validate my own existence. It sucks. I feel like I’m invisible. This is why I hate hearing “the bar is in hell” from women, because to me it feels like it’s on the fucking moon.

LostWanderer88 · 2024-12-10T09:15:53+00:00

My experience

Kinda asperger my whole life Weirdo at school, bullied, and eventually kinda anti-social

Some opportunities I missed at highschool due to lack of knowledge about dating and paranoia about being lured to more bullying (one girl kinda hot pressed her boobs against my back, but I did nothing)

Fast forward to my 20s

Learned to be more normal. But no girl liked me being normal and nerdy

Learned PUA theory and created a fake personality. I got one girlfriend and two dates. The second one ended with her accusing me of rape (I can elaborate if interested)

Traumatized I realized my real personality was undesirable for women, and I was tired and disgusted of faking. Plus concerns about getting into dangerous situations

It stalled my progress at dating for 12 years getting zero girls and not even trying

Now at 36yo I'm trying to fix my life. There was a girl that triggered it, but I messed my opportunities, she played with my feelings, I was a weirdo, and on top of that she was having wild sex with another classmate who only wanted to use her

This girl was EXTREMELY hot, and showed lots of interest about me at the beginning of the course. But nowadays I don't even know what she felt at all. Lots of mixed signals, and some signs of being a seductress

Throw_r_a_2021 · 2024-12-10T12:43:06+00:00

Swipe for an hour and maybe get one match if you’re lucky. Try and start a conversation and maybe only 1 in 4 will ever respond to your first message. Try and push the conversation towards setting up a date and maybe a further 1 in 4 will be interested. once you get to your date, there’s probably a 1 in 5 chance that she’ll ghost you and never show up. When you do manage to get a woman to show up to a date, there’s a good chance that you’ll either decide that you’re incompatible and lose interest in further dates or she will. In my experience getting second dates is also a rarity that occurs with less than half of the women I actually meet up with.

Basically, every step in the process is a massive hurdle and clearing one is in no way a guaranty that you’ll manage to clear the next. You are constantly reminded that you are utterly disposable and that one slip up will send you back to square one. You’re competing with practically every single man in a 50 mile radius and you both know it.

RelevantJackWhite · 2024-12-10T04:48:32+00:00

>80% of attempts to date ending in rejection

Clean-Luck6428 · 2024-12-10T17:32:11+00:00

Average men don’t have casual sex as an option and this severely affects their motives and incentives. As a result, they often have clouded judgement, act simpy and turn a blind eye to red flags out of desperation.

This has created a feedback loop where average women become somewhat undateable because they’ve been used to the behavior of average but desperate men. Desperate men have normalized lopsided relationships and tolerate things that men with options really would not tolerate.

So average men are creating downward pressure on the quality of women. Their desperation makes them have a blind eye to things that shouldn’t be tolerated.

SomeSugondeseGuy · 2024-12-10T22:30:01+00:00

I am an above average looking man with above average education. I am above average height, strength, and intelligence.

I'm not saying this to hype myself up - in fact, I hate mentioning it or being compared to others. I'm just trying to paint a picture here.

I've been active on several dating apps for the past 6 months. I have gotten several matches, most of which were bots and scammers.

I have not been on a single date.

We're expected to approach, we're expected to plan the date, we're expected to pay for it, and we're shamed for every expectation we have in return. Once we've done all of that - after months of sacrifice, of effort, and of making time for other people - we finally reach a point where we're able to get a date within the week - notably, that's the place that you start at.

This isn't to take away from the problems women have on dating apps - unsolicited nudes, the condescension, everything - those suck and I'm not trying to say those things don't exist.

I'm just saying I'd prefer that over this any day.

I have literally reached the end of 2 dating apps. Like, I swiped on literally every single woman in a 35 mile radius of me.

Livid-Log7463 · 2024-12-10T09:38:07+00:00

It’s essentially hoping you’re lucky enough to work extremely hard just for a chance that a woman might feel a possible attraction towards you.

Most_Read_1330 · 2024-12-10T08:48:09+00:00

It's like applying for a job during the great depression.

Jetpine9 · 2024-12-10T18:56:48+00:00

It's weird because people can be "average" and still not be compatible. Most people are about average, but most people are not compatible (somehow).

SomeSugondeseGuy · 2024-12-10T22:59:24+00:00

Like the process of applying for jobs as a fresh college graduate, only more expensive.

abaxeron · 2024-12-10T10:45:44+00:00

Situation.

You meet a guy, say, at a new workplace. You hang out, he is super-friendly, very "haptic" but in a way that you find perfect and pleasant (shakes your hand in the morning, randomly pulls you into a waltz move, once after asking "wanna go for a lunch together?" and hearing "Yes", picked you up, put you on his shoulder, and carried all the way to the place - fill with whatever YOU would consider fun and adventurous and acceptable and super-cute); he listens to your problems and shares his but in a way that is never intrusive or gross or inappropriate; he keeps your mood up with small gifts and jokes; soon, his presence alone is enough to make your face shine...

So, three weeks in, you are basically in love, and decide to raise the "What are we?" question, because it's all very weird - he is giving you "the boyfriend experience" without even once trying to reach for a kiss; and while you enjoy every second of it, you want to know "the status" and where this is all going, and what are his future plans on things like starting a family.

After carefully listening to you, he raises his eyebrow and asks, "Wait, you are a woman? I thought you were a method actor twink crossdresser!" and proceeds to twist the situation as if you took advantage of his feelings by not disclosing that you were a heterosexual adult human female capable of feelings, and he now feels robbed and deprived of his little perv bro that he wanted to drink beer and paint minis with this weekend.

Feel this weird cringe but in your heart rather than your face? - Yeah, welcome to the club.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-12-10T13:55:33+00:00

For me below average was nothing, no women ever interested. For average, once in a blue moon, then she prob doesn’t want a relationship. Once I became above average, turn on the faucet of women for affection as high as you want and whenever you want, then pick your favorite girl.

The fact there is so much disparity of difference in tiers of men is alarming to yourself and sad about just how unfair life is, even when it seems like it shouldn’t be. Why can’t average men get average women on dates? Such a mindfuck that there’s enough above average men dating and sexing average women to keep average women tied up from dating average men.

odd_cloud · 2024-12-10T13:52:34+00:00

Ok, so let’s assume that we’re talking about a guy living in a densely populated area, who went to college and works an office job or didn’t go to college and just started working.

In short, very few options. He lives his life seeing many attractive women, but his interest is usually non-reciprocated. In a year, he meets 3-4 women who show some interest in him. If he tries his chance with them, most of them lose interest after 1-2 dates. Matches are rare if he’s on OLD. Most of his matches don’t want to meet him. Then, a woman shows stable interest in him, and he has a relationship with her and marries her if she’s still interested in him several years later.

Subjectively, the experience is very confusing. The guy notices that women have some expectations, but isn’t quite sure what they are. The dating recommendations are contradictory, and hardly match the behavior of women around him.

Over time, I came to conclusion that women somehow divide men into two categories. Men from the first category have to work to get women’s attention. They become attractive to women over time when they share an environment. Then, they are expected to date the woman for a few weeks. They are expected to cultivate and demonstrate qualities women want from men, and overall prove they’re good boys. Men from the second category can say something like “Hey beauty, how about I fuck you tonight”, and women are like “Of course, can I bring a friend?”. I exaggerate of course, but the general principle feels like that.

izzzy12k · 2024-12-10T09:03:40+00:00

I would like to think I'm average, and I tend to match once or twice a year tops.. with the random occasional (just as often) interest by a woman out in the wild.

eyewave · 2024-12-10T11:04:16+00:00

I don't know how average I am but I am in a relationship for a couple of months now and I get some older ladies hitting on me at karaoke night 🤷🏻

lovestocomment · 2024-12-10T17:05:15+00:00

We live in an romantic economy were where a good percentage of women trained to either be alone, Take advantage of mass simping and think relationships are about pleasing them. In all honesty, when it comes to long term relationships, the average guy is fucked. If you are average physically and financially, your chances of finding a good long term partner is very low. Below average, you're pretty much fucked.

wtknight · 2024-12-10T13:12:17+00:00

I do think that the truly average guy has women attracted to him, but they are usually considered unattractive to said guy. The average women who might be his attractiveness match are into men who are out of their league, themselves.

The only choices that most average men have is to either settle, stay single, or hope that they hit the lottery with their actual attractiveness match, and hope that she’s not some “alpha widow” that got treated badly by a man out of her league who she can’t get over and is therefore setting for said average guy.

Men who can’t attract women at all are below average even if they think that they are average. Don’t let them fool you otherwise. Average men usually have no problem attracting below average women whom they are not particularly attracted to. I say this as a man who used to be below average but then improved himself enough to be average.

funfacts_82 · 2024-12-10T14:59:42+00:00

Sucks mostly but you dig through a lot of shit to find the occasional nugget.

scwizard · 2024-12-11T07:18:36+00:00

Uhh idk. I had one girl reject me because I had the wrong horoscope, and another girl reject me because I had the wrong myers Briggs personality type. That's basically the only recent experience i had.

When I was a kid though at summer camp a girl I had a crush on told people (falsely) that I stalked her to her cabin when she was out for a jog, and I was banned from having fun for the rest of sleepaway camp without being told why.

ZaWarudo234 · 2024-12-11T08:00:49+00:00

It sucks.

Guilty_System1380 · 2024-12-11T10:44:30+00:00

I would say I’m average in terms of looks but my career should’ve boosted me significantly but thats not necessarily the case. It’s basically a soul crushing job interview where passing is sometimes rewarded with mediocre sex and a mental train wreck for what passes as a “mature woman”. I’m a later Gen Z (27) so I basically grew up knowing nothing but rejection up until my career took off. The tragic thing is most of us want a romantic relationship but the current maket saps that optimism and eventually you just end up like me where you’re apathetic to women.

James_M_Croft · 2024-12-11T14:09:27+00:00

It is just a job. You apply for as many jobs as you possibly can and hope for the best.

Master-Watercress567 · 2024-12-10T05:59:25+00:00

Practically nothing about me is average so I'm not sure.

BrainMarshal · 2024-12-10T20:03:43+00:00

Dating for men is an endless road of being exploited and judged in terms of whether they're a status boost. That is all.

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BobtheArcher2018 · 2024-12-11T02:54:26+00:00

Statistically, this is the big open question. There's a lot of muddy data. And ofc 'average' covers a lot of ground. Things are probably different for a 60th and 30th percentile man, though both might be called 'average'.

PlainTundra · 2024-12-10T09:03:57+00:00

By reading all your comments, I guess I'm not the average experience. I met my last two serious gfs by just showing up at work and let the things simply happening.

TowerRough · 2024-12-10T06:12:21+00:00

For average guy it's not a problem. For people here it's a dumpsterfire.

Lightinthebottle7 · 2024-12-10T07:53:12+00:00

I'm not exactly sure what do you want to know.

As I experience it(as a man), the bar for men is in hell. Many men are incapable of basic things, so when you do those things and spend enough time in the company of the other sex, eventually people will start to like you.

It requires patience, because not everything is going to happen instantly.

Now, I'm not the one who tends to asks others out and whenever I interact with women, I don't tend to seek more than friendship. I like to have friends among women. They tend to have an extraordinarily positive effect on my mental health. Also, I do think, that having the ability to hold platonic friendship with women is essential to have stable and loving romantic relationships, because it shows your ability to have a purely personal interest in others.

I spend time with people, I'm there for them during their highs and lows, I think of them, remember their interests and engage with them and spend time with them. Expecting nothing in return.

Usually in our groups, this makes some women...like me more than a friend.

I'm not against dating among friends but I don't tend to take the initiative.

So, there seemengly is a "luck" factor, honestly, I refuse this cathegorization for my situation. I'm nothing special in looks or anything, and the women I took on dates didn't get into me because I'm "lucky". I put a lot of time and effort into myself and people around me, I built up confidence, I take notice, I make sure people feel safe and comfortable around me.

Otjahe · 2024-12-10T13:09:54+00:00

It’s great and extremely easy.

Remember that it’s usually a certain type of demographic that spends a lot of time online, even more so Reddit. So when dudes here talk about “it’s so hard and dating is fucked” etc, take that with huge grains of salt

What is the dating experience like for an average man?

Comments

QuietQuitting 😅

Title	What is the dating experience like for an average man?
Author	ConstantCode8637
Upvotes	41
Comments	336
Date	December 9, 2024 10:55 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hamylx/what_is_the_dating_experience_like_for_an_average/
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