Is the the old cliché “you’ll meet someone when you’re not expecting it” true for men?

treadmarks · 2024-02-06T01:15:53+00:00

It's useless non-advice. It's only true if you already have a very active social life and you're getting invites to lots of parties where you meet new people. If that's the case then do you really need the advice?

stats135 · 2024-02-06T00:31:34+00:00

Well, if I'm not looking for something, I'd be enjoying my life at home, and I've yet to meet anyone there.

Zabadoodude · 2024-02-06T04:38:21+00:00

"Don't work on your career, you will get a high paying job when you least expect it"

This advice is just as stupid when it comes to finding a relationship. Maybe you will get lucky and stumble into that career or that relationship by accident, but if you take steps to make yourself desirable and actively search for it you will greatly improve your odds

ComfortableOk5003 · 2024-02-06T00:49:46+00:00

No. That works for women. Men have to be proactive and approach/make first moves

untamed-italian · 2024-02-06T02:39:32+00:00

No it is absolute bullshit, and any guy over 20 who hears you say that to them will think less of you for believing it.

forking_guy · 2024-02-06T00:41:22+00:00

Absolutely not. It's an empty platitude.

favabeansandwine · 2024-02-06T00:58:30+00:00

If you're not looking and actively seeking out a partner, as a man, you'll die alone.

If you ranked the worst blue pill slogans in order, this would be #2 right under "just be yourself".

MikeArrow · 2024-02-06T00:56:15+00:00

...sort of?

I've been just living my life 'not expecting it' for the past six years and I've gone on two dates during that time.

So if your metric for success is "once every few years someone might come along that might show enough brief interest to go on a date" then yes.

2024-02-06T00:11:03+00:00

Hell no

aslfingerspell · 2024-02-06T01:11:49+00:00

Very untrue. I think it's just a way to give a little bit of hope, though, not virtue signaling.

There are few absolute truths in dating but one of them, like it or not, is that men have to put in effort to improve and approach.

Waiting around in life expecting a partner to fall from the sky is a bad strategy for anyone, but especially men.

raldabos · 2024-02-06T03:23:33+00:00

If you are not unattractive and have good social skills, it may work. But again, if you're not unattractive and have good skills and you actively look for a woman to date, you'll find her faster.

So, is true, but is irrelevant, if that makes sense. It's a "Fedora only look good on good-looking guys who don't need to improve their looks" type of situation.

Aafan_Barbarro · 2024-02-06T06:07:13+00:00

I wonder why everyone assumes long term single people are "desperate" and need to try less. In my experience it's a complete opposite.

Toxic_LigmaMale · 2024-02-06T05:16:56+00:00

That’s advice for women. There are plenty of male virgins that’ll die alone simply because they haven’t been looking hard enough.

SillyMushroomTip · 2024-02-06T11:43:22+00:00

It's just an empty phrase to say to men so they shut the fuck up about their dating struggles.

I heard it throughout my teens and 20s

KayRay1994 · 2024-02-06T02:51:52+00:00

Yes and no - no in the sense that it doesn’t mean literally sit around and do nothing, or don’t bring in any effort and someone will come in - yes in the sense that if you do have an active social life, do stuff you socially enjoy and at the bare minimum, have fun around others, its bound to happen. So much of dating is right place right time that it ain’t even funny.

toasterchild · 2024-02-06T00:39:28+00:00

Hasn't this always just been a polite way of telling someone they are coming off way too desperate?

Good_Result2787 · 2024-02-06T00:05:37+00:00

People can meet someone when they're not actively looking. That's my situation. Found when not looking and in a super unlikely place, no less.

That said, this is just a trite saying. It means nothing, really, and it is not more likely that you'll meet someone when you aren't looking than when you are. For men or women, IMHO. Your effort doesn't guarantee results, but I don't think it is somehow more likely that you'll just "meet your person," either. (though tbf I don't think there is one single person out there for someone. There's a curiously high number of people who just happen to meet their "one person" in the same town they both grew up in),

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-02-06T00:08:00+00:00

No. It's true for women because they can still find a leftover men to settle down.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-02-06T01:14:01+00:00

It’s a half truth. What the whole long thing should say is “if your sole focus is just ‘get A gf’ then that focus can turn into obsession and even desperation. So all your attempts now are coming off as way too intense and panicky and overbearing. But once/if you start to chill out a bit, start acting more “you” and less “I’m urgently in need!” Then your flirting will get better. Your conversations and texts will be better. Your vibe will get better. And when all that happens: the odds are the ladies are going to be way into the ‘real you’ than the desperate you. And a lot of that is just pulling back the obsessiveness”.

centaurus_a11 · 2024-02-06T06:16:51+00:00

I've been in a relationship before but it has been years since the breakup and due to a variety of reasons (including not going out due to covid) I have not been able to find somebody else again, so far. I expressed this recently on reddit and a woman's solution to my problem was the same old cliches which have been going around since forever.

She said that I should be satisfied with myself, that nobody else can make me feel satisfied, don't look if it makes me frustrated and just wait for the right person, they'll come to me one day, use a dating app, etc. She's not entirely wrong about what she said but this advice doesn't work for anyone (except using an app maybe).

Women don't understand that just because I've been single and my loneliness is making me frustrated and so, I'm looking for someone, doesn't mean that I'm purposeless in life, doesn't mean I'm not satisfied with myself and being a man, I want to take action and take things into MY control, I don't want to sit back. Sitting back or using dating apps work for women, not men.

I'm tired of women who- 1. Don't understand the plight of men and 2. Have never put in any effort to even understand and put some thought into it.

harmonica2 · 2024-02-06T00:45:58+00:00

I met someone when not expecting it but I guess that's rare?

SupposedlySapiens · 2024-02-06T02:47:04+00:00

It happened to me once and ended up being the longest, most meaningful, and most complicated relationship I’ve had.

However that was almost 15 years ago and I was in college, so it was significantly easier to meet people. As an adult in 2024 who works from home, such serendipitous encounters will be much less likely, if not impossible.

KikiYuyu · 2024-02-06T04:12:36+00:00

It has been true for many men, that doesn't mean it will happen to everyone.

MasterTeacher123 · 2024-02-06T13:15:06+00:00

That’s something that was told to young cute women and a lot of average guys thought it applied to them lol.

You gotta be aggressive when pursing women, it’s not a Disney movie when it falls into your lap if you average

2024-02-06T01:32:33+00:00

2024-02-06T05:18:24+00:00

No. And no one who says it genuinely believes it. It is said solely to kick the can down the road and give false hope to an otherwise futile endeavor

Ayaka_Simp_ · 2024-02-06T06:28:03+00:00

No. This only works for women.

Safinated · 2024-02-06T00:42:05+00:00

It’s a platitude which actually means “stop being so fucking desperate, it’s unattractive”

And applies to all genders

Breaker1617554 · 2024-02-06T00:23:01+00:00

In my case no.

Hoopy223 · 2024-02-06T00:46:46+00:00

Hahahahahahaha not really, no.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2024-02-06T01:10:52+00:00

Yes and no. You have to be looking for love but sometimes it will happen at a time when you're not outright expecting it.

Nihi1986 · 2024-02-06T00:58:29+00:00

It has been my case a few times but not for the best.

As a man, if you want something you work to get it, and you get better or worse reward depending on your work+inherent value, that's all. When I say work I also mean enabling the situation (socializing, meeting new people...).

TRTGymBro · 2024-02-06T01:48:22+00:00

That advice is often misunderstood the way that "just be yourself" is misunderstood.

When people say you will meet someone when you are not expecting it, it doesn't mean that a naked girl will materialize in your bedroom while you are playing CoD in your underwear or while you are jerking it to Asa Akita's latest anal gaping video.

It means that when you stop making dating and sex so important in your life and you start just living and enjoying life to the fullest without thinking and obsessing about dating and women, you will naturally become less needy and therefore more attractive to women. It's when men don't try, when things happen. As a matter of fact, the harder you try, the stronger you come onto women, the less they want you.

Of course, the other extreme of the same coin, which is just sitting at home or sitting on the sidelines and never socializing, doesn't work either. Because the problem behind trying too hard and self isolating and not talking to women is exactly the same: you are super attached to the outcome and therefore r super needy and creepy. Me hen you finally let go and decide to live your life to the fullest with or without women, when you stop making them so fucking important in your life, that's when they will start coming to you in droves.

squeamish · 2024-02-06T02:41:08+00:00

Worked for me (M47) twice. Met both my ex (together 5 years, I have no regrets, we just didn't work) and my current partner (1 year thus far, she is fantastic) when I wasn't trying to find anyone and was getting used to being alone.

East_Writer_2892 · 2024-02-06T02:48:55+00:00

active social life yes. If you're one of those people on this sub who somehow has 0 friends he hangs out with then no you're never going to run into anyone because you aren't putting yourself in an environment to meet people.

Zypherzor · 2024-02-06T07:05:09+00:00

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff-

RevolutionaryFig929 · 2024-02-06T07:28:49+00:00

It's true if you make some assumptions, you need to be social to a point where you frequently run into girls, and you need to know what you have to do.

If you don't know how to make the first few moves you are still fucked 90% of the time...

Then the people that have no experience, just don't know what to do, or how to read women, so they are still fucked, if they happen to run into someone...

That's why I am not fond of this kind of "passive" advice for men.

BCRE8TVE · 2024-02-06T07:29:26+00:00

No because women don't approach men.

Women can just live their life and Prince Charming will stumble into hers, because Prince Charming is looking.

If you're a guy and you just live your life, nobody is going to come ask you out and there's a rather high change you'll die single.

Like most dating advice, it is dating advice that is for the benefit of women, not men.

KorinTowerFreeloader · 2024-02-06T09:27:43+00:00

No. If it does happen, it's from women who used to ride the CC approaching potential BB candidates. Are there exceptions to this rule? Sure, but it's very rare. On the other hand, a lot of women don't grasp the idea that all they have to do is do nothing at all. Instead, they pursue Chads and then say they were "unlucky" in dating and complain they can't find anyone, "where are all the good men at" etc. All a woman has to do is sit back, relax, and tell dudes no sex without commitment, which will filter out Chads, and she can then proceed to pick the best of the rest, as in a guy actually interested in a LTR.

EvilManDevil · 2024-02-06T11:51:35+00:00

It only works for women. Men never have things easy when it comes to dating or life in general.

Triglycerine · 2024-02-06T12:35:02+00:00

It means "stop complaining you don't have a right to feel hopeless or lonely" when applied to men.

It's the same type of invalidating language as "you have [thing] how come you are depressed"?

HatedByaNation · 2024-02-06T14:14:17+00:00

Absolutely not. The only way to meet anyone is through pursuit as a man unless you have god tier looks

FIVE_6_MAFIA · 2024-02-06T17:43:23+00:00

Nope, it's bullshit. Just useless platitudes

Radiant_Specific6542 · 2024-02-06T01:00:28+00:00

It happened to me. Kind of. I was a playboy, actively dating a whole roster of women. Then I said "fuck it" and blocked probably like 15 women that I had in the rotation. I was tired. Tired of dating, planning, talking to that many people...ect. I decided I'd spend that extra time with the boys, video games, my buisness, and just have time to myself.

I was only 2 days in until one of my few female friends that I have to this day texted me.

Conversation:

Friend- Are you single?

Me- Yup. Why?

Friend- sends pic of the woman of my dreams that statically doesn't even exist and she said "Do you think she's hot".

Me- Fuck yea, I do.

Friend- Great. Here's her number. Ask her out on a date.

Now she's my wife lol

GGMcThroway · 2024-02-06T00:02:43+00:00

It's not.

It's also not true for women, despite what men will tell you here.

MyHouseOnMars- · 2024-02-06T00:07:47+00:00

You know when people definitely don't find love?

when they come across as desperate and needy

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-02-06T01:18:12+00:00

Yes. For whatever reason women love it when you pretend they don’t exist. But also I’m very good looking and successful so ymmv.

jha_avi · 2024-02-06T12:52:25+00:00

I don't think any girl ever sent me any signal. Maybe I'm not worthy of their signal. Before everyone bashes me and blames me let me just say that I have a very easy time talking to women who are already married or in relationships. I am able to befriend them very easily and no i never think of anything other than friendship.

But yeah, I am being myself by not trying to look for anyone to date. And, yes I'm still single.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-02-06T04:40:14+00:00

Meh - I mean “least expecting it” is more true than the alternative saying of “when you stop looking.”

Because yeah, living a joyful life, being open to new experiences, talking to people for the experience of enjoying a conversation, dating a few people with no expectations for monogamy or anything serious until you’ve vet them enough to know you’re truly compatible - keeping things low expectations with the desire to experience as opposed to checking something off of a list, yeah I can get behind that.

However, sitting at home, never going out, having no social groups, not trying OLD, and living your life thinking you’ll meet cute in a supermarket, is super unrealistic and i dont know why people act like you should stop trying to enrich your life and just do nothing. I mean if you’re someone with a ton of friends, lots of 3rd spaces, go to the club with buddies, are in several gender mixed activities, then sure, it can happen when you aren’t trying. But if that not you, it’s not realistic to set that standard for anyone.

DarayRaven · 2024-02-06T04:50:16+00:00

Bluepill Optimism

thetruthishere_ · 2024-02-06T05:27:15+00:00

I think it happens more often than not with people that get out and live life doing things. You dont have to be actively looking all the time to meet someone.

Some out there its stop being desperate and just go out and live life.

For those with you cant happen with men because he 'has to approach'... Youre out living life coming across women you could approach or even just chat with be it warm approach or cold.

You all crying you have to 'make the first move' are stepping on your own wanker and cant get out of your own way...

Going out and doing things can give you more opportunity over Tinder with 80% men and 15% women. The other 5% is bots and sex workers.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-02-06T06:41:50+00:00

If going about your daily life involves meeting significant amounts of people, you're likely to meet someone you're into while going about your daily life. It's not going to happen for those who stay indoors all the time without any special effort but if you're reasonably social you're likely to meet a potential date when that wasn't the explicit purpose of what you were doing. Of course, both of you still need to make efforts to progress things and a relationship won't appear out of thin air, but meeting them can certainly "just happen".

chadlightest · 2024-02-06T07:13:35+00:00

Happened to me.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2024-02-06T03:15:14+00:00

The reason not trying often seems to work is because it’s beneficial to not reek of desperation.

SDW137 · 2024-02-06T05:25:40+00:00

No lol

tadL · 2024-02-06T07:25:11+00:00

It's not a cliché

You will walk around and it will hit you like a truck. Question is will you make the move. And will it work out. But it happens every day

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Mocha636 · 2024-02-06T06:08:25+00:00

Hell yes for me

Schmurby · 2024-02-06T06:14:42+00:00

That’s how it worked for me. I had a really bad breakup followed by a really bad rebound relationship and fell into a terrible depression in my mid thirties. Started drinking like crazy and having one night stands with strangers.

Then I decided to clean up. Got a new job and moved, stopped drinking and gave up going out at all, focused on work and fitness.

Within a year of starting my new job I discovered I was in love with my coworker and we started making out at an office Christmas party. We’re married now for 9 years with two daughters.

eyewave · 2024-02-06T06:23:46+00:00

For me it's been true.

I usually have accidental rizz with women I wasn't into before some flirt happens.

I'm much better at picking flirt cues from women I'm not overinvested with.

I can't seem to connect that way with women I've build big expectations for already.

I think that's the meaning.

Now I'm debating if my attachment issues are because I really like someone or if it is only something in my head that functions like an addiction/obsession and has no real ground.

2024-02-06T06:24:16+00:00

It’s not true for anyone. Nearly everyone has to put in some degree of effort in dating except for those lucky enough to just meet their person while living life.

nowTheresNoWay · 2024-02-06T06:33:50+00:00

Sort of. If you’re a guy then you still have to approach women. However, the way this phrase applies in this case is more like if you approach women, then it can turn into something more without you expecting it. I always expect to fail when I approach any woman, but occasionally (meaning whenever I go out,) I’ll get something. I only talk to women irl though.

Hosj_Karp · 2024-02-06T07:59:38+00:00

No and it's not true for women either.

FreakRoHawke · 2024-02-06T08:17:57+00:00

All my relationships happened completely out of the blue, so at least for me, yeah

Substantial_Video560 · 2024-02-06T12:23:40+00:00

No longer looking, haven't been for ten years. Happily single. If someone approached me now I would politely reject them.

SeveralAcorns · 2024-02-06T14:02:25+00:00

You first need to go out and regularly meet and talk to new women of dating appropriate subdemographic.

throwitfaarawayy · 2024-02-06T14:56:29+00:00

Yeah love happens to you when the right person comes along.. on their own schedule. Till then you have game and sex and hookup and maybe companionship for a while. I can tell this though...you don't develop "game" untill you fall in love. Whatever game you thought you had forget about it. It's nothing. But if you find true love then your new found game is useless because you won't be able to try it on anyone else😂 Hence the temptation. When you've played in the major league, small time players are no match.

rma5690 · 2024-02-06T15:05:54+00:00

No. Passivity is even worse than coming across as desperate or needy. If you're desperate and needy, you're a 1/10, which means you might bag a 1/10. If you're not putting yourself out there, you're wallpaper. You're not even getting rated.

enbaelien · 2024-02-06T15:15:24+00:00

It was for me, I met my gf bc of a birthday post my sister shared for me lol.

When you "give up" you tend to put less desperate vibes out there lol.

wtknight · 2024-02-06T15:48:04+00:00

No. I think for men it’s more like they will meet someone when they stop being so desperate and work on themselves.

2024-02-06T16:28:38+00:00

Absolutely not.

SnooMarzipans6929 · 2024-02-06T16:50:56+00:00

If it, I'm jealous. It didn't happen for me as a woman. Sure I meet a lot of people but almost none of them are boyfriend material. I had to look hard for my current love (:

_here_ok · 2024-02-06T17:25:01+00:00

i feel like it's more so focus on being your bestself then people will come for you. aka dress nicely, take care of your body, exercise, hobbies, protect your mental health and ect. people will become attracted to your positive qualities because there's a lot to work with not a lot of work to be done.

i think that's the main difference between unattractive and attractive. you have to have a lot to work with, not be the source of work to be done.

those who say “you’ll meet someone when you’re not expecting it” most likely focused on themselves and didn't realize that's what attracted others. they had built up their life and someone came along to build with them.

it's extremely , extremely rare for someone to build with someone else who built nothing or has nothing built. can this be superficial? yes but that's something we have to build in advance to prevent. set up walls and boundaries to not be broken.

2024-02-06T17:29:44+00:00

I don’t think it’s true. Women generally dislike single men. And they hate single attractive men. And women know they are happier without men according to modern science.. so why would I impose unhappiness on a woman be being her partner?

Silver_Switch_3109 · 2024-02-06T17:46:06+00:00

It is rarely true for anyone.

WANT_SOME_HAM · 2024-02-06T18:12:30+00:00

I have met a surreal number of attractive women through internet trolling.

A lot of my earliest relationships began with attractive girls contacting me and saying "That rude comment you left on my friend's page was horrible, but also funny as shit."

I think I am the only person on earth who can say this.

Spare-Estimate5596 · 2024-02-06T19:39:48+00:00

All advice on dating is fake.

The only thing that works is be good looking or be rich. If you are neither dating is going to be a struggle

BoogersAndSugar · 2024-02-06T20:21:52+00:00

It's just a thought-terminating cliche people automatically say without really thinking.

kc_ch · 2024-02-06T22:12:21+00:00

it's just people being nice but is bollox, as an average man the vast majority of the time you have to actively search imo.

2024-02-06T23:12:34+00:00

I had an amazing, yet brief, relationship with a wonderful woman who appeared in my life randomly when I wasn't looking. Meanwhile years later after being a much better person when I have actively looked I haven't met anyone I want to date. Life is just weird that way.

biffin1123 · 2024-02-07T01:07:30+00:00

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-02-07T05:47:56+00:00

What that means is, "At some point, after you have given up completely, you will find someone to settle with and who is likewise willing to settle for you."

That isn't necessarily a bad thing provided nobody tortures the other person.

MaliciousMack · 2024-02-07T08:16:37+00:00

There’s truth in it, but it’s dependent on situation. The point of the advice is that you have a better chance of connecting with women when you aren’t dead eye focused on it. That is to say, you should be doing more with your time than just chasing women.

You will meet countless people you’re compatible with, but if you only focus on being around them, and none on yourself, you’ll hamstring yourself as you won’t really have any value to bring to the table. After all, you’d be seeking value, not building it.

McTitty3000 · 2024-02-07T18:48:45+00:00

I can really only speak for my own anecdotal experience but all my serious relationships have come when I wasn't looking for them at all lol

DapperDan1929 · 2024-02-07T21:48:50+00:00

Not true at all lmao

chadlightest · 2024-02-07T23:04:37+00:00

Not my experience but we probably live on different continents so I'll take your experience as valid, yet anecdotal. Just like mine 😉

SnooSongs8797 · 2024-02-08T17:03:38+00:00

It’s just another one this “advice” that’s really just a nicer way of saying give up

jayromebeast · 2024-02-08T18:01:34+00:00

Hell no. Women get approached by tons of guys so probability wise it works for them. Men on the other hand aren't getting approached like that. So you do the math lol

Title	Is the the old cliché “you’ll meet someone when you’re not expecting it” true for men?
Author	Whole-Employ4723
Upvotes	40
Comments	233
Date	February 5, 2024 9:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ajscue/is_the_the_old_cliché_youll_meet_someone_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-the-the-old-cliche-youll-meet-someone-when.1244681 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244681

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