Weekly FDS Chat/ Check-In

Mella_20 · 2021-04-12T11:31:38+00:00

Have y'all ever dealt with a man who assumes that people will tolerate his shit forever?

I've seen way too many of them. The way they act and carry themselves, at work or in their personal lives, shows that they think people will stay no matter what. Then they're blindsided when somebody has had enough. Most show just a lack of self-awareness, or they're aware and they pretend they aren't. Either way it makes them look stupid.

Is it cause nobody told them no growing up? I'm genuinely confused.

secularwitch · 2021-04-12T13:40:18+00:00

TLDR: We want to open a Turkish FDS subreddit and translate fds handbook as it is much needed. What's your stance on that? How should we do it?

I am a member of a female turkish forum where we mainly talk about cosmetics and relationships. In a threat, I've talked about fds and I am shook how many Turkish women are actually reading here. Many more are very interested, but they do not speak English (English is not spoken here by many). There is an outpouring interest in FDS principles. As we explained FDS in general sense, many demanded more clarification. One member said she was planing opening a website where she translates fds handbook. However, Turkey is a very dangerous place for women, especially with such ideas provocative to men. But also, FDS principles are much needed for Turkish women as we face much more sexism& abuse than average US or UK women. So we want to make it safest as possible and reddit is one safer choice.

So, what do you think about it? I really would like to spread awareness I've learnt through fds in local language. It may/may not be an official branch of FDS depending on what you mods want. We'd like to translate important posts and handbook material and build a similar place for turkish women. Since we'll be using material from handbook and our first safest choice is reddit, I wanted to ask if it is okay for fds too. What do you think?

RacePinkBlack · 2021-04-12T12:21:22+00:00

I'm leveling up and I can't tell my pick-me mother because she'll sabotage my efforts.

Mcccy · 2021-04-12T14:51:44+00:00

Does anyone find it weird when red-pill types claim that paying for a woman makes her less attracted to you? Like, if anything, it's been the opposite. I'm immediately turned off by men who don't. The idea of being sexual with a man who can't even do the bare minimum disgusts me. Honestly, the whole "Alpha Fucks/Beta Bucks" feels like a projection of the Madonna/Whore complex many men tend to have? I have never categorized men like that. What do you ladies think?

donttextme_k · 2021-04-12T21:06:32+00:00

I don’t get why FDS is so hated among Reddit and even some “bad reviews” from other random blogs. They act as if FDS is a cult and the only people that follow these rules are hiding in this subreddit. I’ve seen tons of similar advice elsewhere, most notably tik tok. So many women and even men hold these same values, and people calling out pickmes and low effort men.

Twolipz_78 · 2021-04-12T13:36:40+00:00

Still in the process of breaking a trauma bond to the LVX that still stalks me when he feels like it. It probably would have helped me to be over all this if he’d just stay tf away.

Good news is I was finally able to get my chalazion removed after a year (the stress and crying over him I’m sure caused it as it showed up the very day I cursed him out and blocked him) and best part is I have an appointment to reinstate my drivers license at the end of the month and I didn’t have to ask no crusty ass old man for any help with any thing (he insisted he’d fix my license, big surprise he never did, long story).

Not going without and not needing any help from him is such a blessing and a glaring message from the universe to keep him out of my life and that I don’t need him. I have also been investing in my 401k and signed up for my job’s stock options. I am very serious about leveling up at my job as much as possible with a limited schedule at this time and I will be damned if I ever, ever, everrrr have to ask a dusty, abusive, manipulative, mean, short, ugly ass scrote for even $20!! ever again!!

Sad to say that my sister is experiencing the break down of her 20 year marriage to a LVM but I am so happy to have found FDS so I can show her the way!

File-Own · 2021-04-12T18:21:45+00:00

Anyone else notice how much people patronise women when giving dating advice?

I just posted in the family Whatsapp about a "player" in one of my friend groups who's constantly hitting on me and love bombing, I made it very clear I wasn't into him, but was making fun of his LVM antics (sulking, etc). They all know I don't even date right now with my career.

But despite my constant pointing out "I just don't like him that way, though we're good friends," they were insisting "We know you like him! You have a soft spot for him! He's good looking so you must be into him!" Hel-lo? Like I don't know I dont fancy the scrote?

Whats with society trying to brainwash women into thinking they can't think for themselves?!

Sanne592 · 2021-04-12T17:50:05+00:00

Therapy has been so fricking great. I'm finally able to let go, and to no longer allow all these men from the past of holding any mental space in my brain. It feels great to be able to say that they mean nothing to me anymore. Now on to better things!

quarterlyavocado · 2021-04-13T00:31:14+00:00

Many of us can remember times when we’ve felt uncomfortable but have been told to “lighten up” and “stop being so sensitive” because the other person was “just teasing!” But what’s the difference between harmless teasing and insults/negging?

The rule about proper teasing is: If it has to do with something the person can’t help, such as physical appearance, it is only allowable if the characteristic is obviously much-admired. If it has to do with behavior, it must be behavior of which the doer is, however bashfully, proud. You tease someone for being popular, not for biting his nails. In other words, family teasing is designed to take note of the successes and idiosyncrasies that make one beloved, not the traits that have been driving everyone crazy

-Judith Martin, Miss Manners’ Guide to Raising Perfect Children (1985) p. 43

I thought this was a great litmus test

mayosterd · 2021-04-12T19:36:40+00:00

Just wanted to share my growth with FDS and share my story. Today I “unmatched” someone on a dating app after getting the run around for a date with him. At first he was very conversational, complimentary and responsive, but as soon as I agreed to meet up - it was like a switch had been flipped, and all I got was a dearth of silence for days at a time.

After pressing him for simple and important details (what time? where?) and getting breadcrumbs, I wised up to the fact that this would likely be the pattern from now on.

Thanks for the moral support ladies! It’s really uncomfortable to realize how much of a pickme I used to be (ugh!), but I am super glad to have woken up now.

Wish I had found this sub 10 years ago.

comeonion · 2021-04-12T13:18:43+00:00

Off topic - does anyone know of a place online that is like .... an "old magazine library"? I want to browse several magazine (like Home and Garden and Southern Living) all in one place.

avamansouri · 2021-04-12T13:57:54+00:00

I finally broke off my situationship. Obviously when I tried to leave him for not showing me committment he immediately offers it to me. He said all these amazing things about me and about how much he cared about me and all I had to say was "You should have shown me"

I feel like I'm struggling becuase he basically validated everything I wanted out of him as I was telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore. Why now? He says it's because he's dumb and made a mistake that he really doesn't want to lose me but I just don't believe him. I don't think anything will change but it's so tempting since he's offering everything I've been asking out of him.

Any advice?

sweetslazy · 2021-04-12T15:36:07+00:00

I'm afraid my lv ex, who dumped me for the fifth time, will come back again and I'll be a weak pick me and take him back. How do I make sure this won't happen? I'm listening to podcasts about trauma bonding, toxic relationships etc and rereading his negative traits. But I'm scared I will be weak when he comes back.

throwaway32132134 · 2021-04-12T21:13:25+00:00

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the added books to the fds book list. I'M SO EXCITED. I love finding new books to read!!!!! 😍

FDS-GFY · 2021-04-15T02:35:46+00:00

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undertheunderbelly · 2021-04-12T17:23:14+00:00

Date 3 since my last update and I can proudly now say that I am 99% a lesbian. I feel so relieved - like I've finally found out why being with men was so awful. I hated it when they touched me but I thought that was so normal. The difference between touch of the girl I'm dating and my ex .... Wow. I'm so comfortable with her and I actually feel excited about going to the next step, whereas with a man I just felt put out, as in "let's get it over with."

She met all 3 of my dogs the other day and we went hiking on a trail for 4 miles and ate dinner at a nearby restaurant after, where she paid for the bill. We're already planning date #4 and #5.

I'm really happy. This feels right.

_insert_username_01 · 2021-04-14T06:15:01+00:00

Here is my update: I will be employed by my university and will work full-time on-campus for the 2021 Summer Semester. (I will be working in my university’s library.)

Hhjjuuy · 2021-04-14T12:41:25+00:00

I've been seeing a lot of people here and in AskFDS talk about HVW as an equivalent to HVM and in opposition to pickmes. Maybe I'm wrong here but t makes me pretty uncomfortable. HVM are in contrast to L/NVM. Men who bring little or no value to a relationship, but pickmes aren't equivalent to L/NVM. Pickmes do bring value to their relationships, often to their own detriment.

I'm not really sure where this sits with me but I think that using HVW the same way we use HVM is a false equivalence that only works if you ignore the presence of misogyny and the effects of the patriarchy and rape culture on our dating lives and interpersonal relationships.

I'd love to hear any other perspectives on this. It's mostly in posts/comments from women who are seemingly new to seeing the reality of the power dynamics that FDS talks about but I'm never really sure how to correct their use, or if I even should.

valkyriegoll · 2021-04-12T20:43:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Pillowzzz · 2021-04-12T16:56:43+00:00

In response to a now deleted comment on Prince Philip’s high-valueness or low-valueness:

I was wondering this myself, but I only have what I know of from The Crown to think it out. I think a HVM makes a great father, and Prince Philip wasn’t a great dad to Charles. It seems like he was a better dad to Anne and the others because Charles was intended to become king, however. We also know a lot more about parenting now, but in comparison to King George VI, who was an excellent father to QE, Prince Philip falls short.

When QE became queen, Prince Philip was the Duke of Edinburgh without plans to raise his title. Just from how it was depicted in The Crown, it was emasculating for him to remain a duke, and QE gave him the Prince title as a marriage compromise. I’d say it’s low value behavior generally to ask for a greater title, but the times were so different then. Maybe Prince Philip could function as a better partner to QE when he felt more respected by his peers. It could then be high value to recognize the gender politics at the time and find a solution for it.

QE seems to have been happy in her marriage, overall. Considering the time that they were married, it’s actually remarkable to me that there are no official mistresses of Prince Philip. There have been rumors, but nothing as concrete as other high profile men at the time. Maybe he kept it super secret but maybe he really didn’t stray much.

Prince Philip did contribute to the Diana situation, but so did the rest of the monarchy. The conclusion I have come to is that the whole monarchy, including QE, is low value. Prince Philip appears to have been high value to QE because she has been happy in her marriage for years. He is ignorant and racist, but so is the rest of the monarchy, QE included.

ga_shina · 2021-04-14T22:18:10+00:00

Finally got around to reading “The Rules” and they advocate for long, straight hair even saying that if the hair is curly then straighten it (because that’s what men like and it’s more feminine). They also recommend dressing for men so wearing tight and short skirts as well as tops that show cleavage. It’s really rubbing me the wrong way.

Partypuppers · 2021-04-12T12:39:18+00:00

Anybody else feel that pickmes resent/ hate you for the mere fact that you're happy? I'm a bubbly, friendly person and a lot of people tell me I'm charming. However, there are always some women who seem to silently judge me for being who I am. I don't think I say or do anything offensive, I don't talk about controversial topics or speak badly of other people (even when someone wants me to engage).

I just seem to alienate certain types of women who seem to find my mere presence irritating. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me lol. Is it just me?

extralargepeas · 2021-04-12T18:02:03+00:00

Is it a red flag if a man has had multiple years long relationships? Since finding FDS I've been doing a lot of thinking about the previous men I've dated and I've come to the conclusion that I think if a man has had numerous relationships that have lasted for years it is a major red flag. My ex had dated 4 girls before me and each of them for at least a minimum of 2 years, but most of them he dated for at least 3 years. Him and I dated for four years, but then obviously broke up. This doesn't include any of his shorter relationships either. I don't know if I'm just being naive or what, but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this.

littlemacaron · 2021-04-14T04:18:00+00:00

Sisters. Please talk me down. I have a CRUSH and I FUCKING HATE IT.

I moved to a new building and was taking my groceries into the elevator, but i had four heavy huge bags. There was a nice looking guy in front of me who held the door open to the elevator thingy. So we got in. I said something along the lines of “oh i just moved here, still trying to figure out the grocery situation” and we had a bit of small talk. My bags were falling down, my hair was in my face, and he asked if I needed some help bringing my groceries up!! Now normally i would be suspicious but ya girl was struggling and he was cute/my age/my type. Ok reading this back i’m a fucking idiot he could have been a serial killer and now he knows where I live.

Anyways. We had more small talk down the hallway and i swear i blacked out bc i was so shook by the situation. Now i cant stop thinking about it and i’m going batshit crazy.

Is my bar that low?? Some guy helps me bring up my heavy groceries out of the kindness of his heart and i’m ready to lose my shit and trying to find him again?? NAH UH.

Ladies. Talk me the fuck down from this. Please.

Hitflyover · 2021-04-12T17:30:19+00:00

I totally vibed with that post someone recently made about how men idolize the joker, but women are the real ones out here growing cynical and fed up in the face of our current society. I have the same thought often. The comments didn't really get into it though... But there are many male protagonists who face themes that would be so much richer and nuanced if they were women. Imagine a prostitute who finally gets fed up.

It also bothers me when men frame women as not being risk takers or adventurous (again prostitutes come to mind). But I think that I am the one out here being brave in the world when the world has a history of hating me just for my gender. I've been assaulted several times, I've been treated poorly at work- but I still put myself out there in the world. Which leads me to my next thought:

Men living with their moms and hiding from the world. Where are all the women living with their dads? I really needed to live with my mom this year for a time but didn't feel safe doing it because my verbally abusive and emotionally volatile brother who disregards covid rules lives there. It made me furious. I ended up stuck. Women need to support one another, not push vulnerable daughters out of the home while coddling men.

The men in my immediate family outnumber the women. They should support one another and allow me to have my relationship with mom. My mom has already suggested that I will be her caretaker when she can no longer care for herself. So I have to live out of the house and stretch my resources, only to return and care for her because the man she babied won't do it? This is a complicated existence...

throwaway32132134 · 2021-04-12T21:25:21+00:00

I've seen this at work. Had a supervisor like this. I think it's because people would constantly let him walk all over them. He also would have women email him confessing their love for him while drunk (I know the girl personally it's true, she was mad embarrassed after), show up at his workplace after he dumped them (i saw and talked to them), women talk to him in a baby voice as though he's God's gift to them (witnessed then do it) and women that would always make excuses for him BeCaUsE hEs SuCh A NiCe GuY. I once told a co-worker I wasn't okay with how he handles work projects ( a mess, dear Jesus). This lady who is literally 40 years old told me "I need to keep on top of him if I do a work project with him because he's disorganized and he needs extra help" LOOLLLLL wtf he's the supervisor?????? I refused to baby him. He was like 20 years older than me. He should be more organized then me. But since everyone babied him he'd act like I was a heartless bitch whenever I had any boundaries. He did take me seriously though. Just because others baby then doesn't mean you need to.

laffytaggy · 2021-04-13T00:41:18+00:00

Would it be okay to walk away from a first date if the guy lies about his height? I am 5’9 and I prefer men taller than me. Every guy “6 feet” tall has lied about their height and it’s not uncommon for me to show up on a date where the guy is in fact my height or a tad bit shorter, clearly lying about being 5’10+. I now ask for men to confirm for their height despite what their profile says...as I prepare to start dating again, I’m really considering walking away if a man shows up and blatantly lied. Thoughts?

PossiblyJennay · 2021-04-15T14:47:48+00:00

Uhhhh... did anyone else get invited to the “Pick Me’s Anonymous” sub someone made to poach people from here?

Here are some of the FDS things they disagree with:

Wait At Least 3 Months Before Having Sex.

Do NOT Move In With A Boyfriend.

Reject Low Effort Dates.

Don't Date Men Who Watch Porn.

Like, sis if you want us to fail in relationships, just say that. 🤮

FDS-GFY · 2021-04-15T05:08:00+00:00

Using FDS on life partner and I want to report excellent results. He is a HVM that got a little complacent-because I let him.

It was pretty amazing what happened when I put my foot down. I went out and found an apt I loved. I came home, said, agree to my terms or I am out.

It’s been a month now and life has improved dramatically.

I had gotten complacent. Whining, pleading.

Fuck that. I just started behaving as a HVF. Which I am. And I gave him literally one last chance. If he breaks its conditions even once I am out.

I have no kids by choice and I have financial security. If it was a different situation it would be much harder.

If he had not agreed to my terms I was prepared to walk. I think it shocked him.

I can’t recommend this as a strategy. The best thing is not to play with a LVM but feministas, I love the guy and he was hvm for many years.

I didn’t deserve what happened to me but I also didn’t self care enough to stop him in his tracks the split second he started to veer from the path.

Lesson learned. It’s remarkably like training a dog.

cheezbrod · 2021-04-12T18:08:16+00:00

Started some really good work on myself at the end of 2019 and through 2020. I quit my job and moved states to pursue some higher education and want to apply for medical schools, but with all this moving to better myself and school, I’ve felt like I’ve sort of isolated myself - without my old friends for support. It’s just hard being in a different time zone from them and where I live now it’s hard to make new friends. I’m just slow at it.

Sort of off topic, I guess. But aside from my own hobbies and trying to keep in contact with others, what else can I do now to combat the blues of change for the better?

Muffcakelord · 2021-04-16T20:31:53+00:00

I'm addicted to the FDS podcast and i need more

Please

fairywakes · 2021-04-13T03:07:03+00:00

I think I need some help to get over the fuckboy who showed up three separate times & different ways months later even after I blocked him on everything. I just need tips on how to get him out of my head. I’m consumed with imagining hurting him after I found his girlfriend on social media and exposed him. I’m just so very angry!

ForeverHoney · 2021-04-13T02:55:08+00:00

I think I’m more mad at myself for believing my abusive mother would change. I would always cry myself to sleep and beg him to pretend to be a good mom and give me a hug and lie everything will be okay. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I just wish I had a normal family. She is my only family and I feel like families are just attached to u no matter what. People will always ask about ur child hood, family life, who ur going to walk u down the aisle, who u would invite to ur wedding. I guess no one to be frank.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-04-14T19:08:02+00:00

Does anybody else go "sus" or cringe whenever a man (or woman) describes themself as an "empath"?

It seems like it's more about how they feel about someone's actions rather than feeling the other person's moods or welfare or being considerate of them.

It's like guys who describe themselves as "sapiosexuals"; they crave something they don't really have.

ga_shina · 2021-04-12T13:08:17+00:00

Looking for advice from you lovely ladies before I talk to my therapist.

I have this friend who I reconnected with after a year of her ghosting me (red flag). We got into a disagreement because I said I expect men to pay and she said things usually liberal feminists say. It’s fine to have a different opinion, but I felt like she was challenging my views and even made me feel bad with the things she said (red flag #2).

Then, I started being harassed online by a guy who was sending me awful messages. I reached out to her and called her to talk about, and she said she couldn’t talk at the moment because she was eating. We texted a bit and then she stopped replying. She didn’t reply for two days, and then send me a message saying she forgot to reply and that she hasn’t been feeling well (red #3).

I’ve been slowly cutting off contact. Kinda just want to know that I’m not being unreasonable.

wackdemarco · 2021-04-13T13:43:07+00:00

anyone else have any like non behavioral red flags? like for instance when he plays league of legends, or his fave movie is scott pilgrim vs the world

laffytaggy · 2021-04-14T14:29:01+00:00

I was starting to slip- but I caught myself.

Matched with a guy that was clearly not interested in me in a serious way- he did not vet or ask me any substantive questions. But he was my “type”- fit, a traveler and successful (I researched and confirmed). He wanted to go out and I was making excuses- maybe he is waiting to ask questions in real life etc. But I said farewell and unmatched him today! It was hard bc of every 1000 guys, I probably am only intrigued by one. But the scarcity mindset gets you no where. I’m working on being happy alone and planing a nice weekend, not needing a date.

Also another cute guy asked me to dinner this weekend but he is only weeks out of s years long relationship- I declined even though I don’t have any social plans this weekend.

Lastly a guy who I had a fling with around the holidays keeps texting me to let me know he is back in my town for a few days. He has been texting me forever to tell me he will be here. So he is here now but be isn’t asking me out and keeps putting the ball in my court. He is trying to get me to initiate/plan lol. But I’m not even a acknowledging him!

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-04-14T20:06:44+00:00

I upheld my boundary today and it felt so good!! I can get lost in this person's deflective and denial tactics, and I end up getting confused, angry, or regret what I say afterwards. But this time I held steady the whole time with my boundary. :)

frustratedanon123 · 2021-04-16T13:47:07+00:00

Just got my first lurker message this morning and MY. GOD.

For some reason, I was a little shocked. Mostly because really, who would even bother? It isn't as though the sub, or anything I personally post, says anything majorly offensive or advocates for harming/manipulating men. If we women on here are so terrible, why would they not leave us alone and find green pastures? Oh right. Because we're not. And they know it. And they know the word is spreading and they are scared. So for the lurker that messaged me this morning, not sure if he can see this because I blocked and deleted, or any others out there, HVM don't just go after Victoria's Secret models lol. If anything, you've literally just outed yourself as a LVM with that line of reasoning. If HVM = Victoria's Secret Model level attractiveness girlfriend, what does that make you? Don't pout because you can't live up to a woman's reasonable expectations. Pouting isn't cute, boys. Oh and as always, stay mad scrotes. 😂

valkyriegoll · 2021-04-16T14:41:04+00:00

So, as of this past weekend I am officially full vaxxed. I love yoga and have been doing it on and off for five years, I even considered getting certified to teach at some point.

Obviously that had to stop during the pandemic and videos just dont cut it for me. I went to one class at a local gym this past week for the first time in a literal year. Combo'd with my social anxiety, the nerves were so real.

It was faster than I was used to after such a long hiatus, and it was heated. Plus, the teacher mostly gave cues instead of walking us through the entire sequence. So there were times where I looked just plain silly and I was like * is visibly confused * lol. But I found my way. When in doubt, meet in downward dog lol

Today I am so sore I can barely lift my arms above my head lol. And my abs are so sore I need help sitting up in bed because even that mini crunch is too much lol. But I love that feeling and have missed it so much!! No pain no gain.

However, just showing up to the class was such a victory for me and I am so proud of myself!! I hope I get to practice more as the year goes on and the pandemic slows down more.

SpiteTomatoes · 2021-04-16T15:09:11+00:00

How do you meet HV girlfriends? So I am 29 and moved to a new city during COVID. I currently work and go to school from home so I can't meet anyone there really. I tried joining some clubs and met some nice people but most were very young (like 18/19) and I'm hoping to meet people who are closer to my age. I don't go out much, I'm rather introverted and bars aren't really my scene. I just wanna meet someone who will do friend dates with me- Cooking, baking, crafts, hiking, watching trash TV. I honestly haven't made new friends in so long (like 7 years) I don't know how to begin.

midwesternwinds · 2021-04-16T20:10:11+00:00

I've had to leave several FB groups about mocking and calling out pickme behavior because too often there's just too much mean-spirited comments and a subtle undercurrent of liberal feminism. It's tiring.

Just today they were roasting a pretty blonde girl for saying something like "I don't care about being the prettiest girl in the room, I'd rather be kind" or something like that. Yes, a little lacking in self-awareness like a popular kid saying they don't care about being liked, but ultimately there was nothing toxic or even pickme about it.

So I replied to someone saying beauty privilege isn't a thing like they were implying it was, and that was just a libfem notion. They lost their minds 🙄

I don't understand why a pickme group has such misogynistic ideas. Yes, a man is more likely to promote a woman he finds attractive than one he doesn't. 1) This is not a fault of either woman 2) the man didn't promote the pretty woman because she is better at her job; literally it was because he wants to sleep with her/have her beauty decorate the office. You see pretty women like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Hedy Lamarr, etc have their accomplishments cruelly dismissed or just left out of history ALL THE TIME because they're beautiful. Men will justify their harassment of a pretty woman as much as any other woman because he "can't help it" and she's obviously asking for it by being attractive or wearing nice clothes and makeup. Pickmes themselves despise them and will tell them they should feel flattered a man found them attractive enough to catcall.

It just reeks of libfems in progressive clothing masking their childish jealousy of pretty women as feminism. Pretty privilege is only a thing when you don't think pretty women can suffer oppression, which is stupid. No one type of woman wins in a patriarchy and to suggest they do is how it still exists. Beautiful women are not your enemy and they definitely don't deserve your animosity more than misogynistic men who objectify them do.

2021-04-13T01:16:46+00:00

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ladylucy77 · 2021-04-12T22:47:27+00:00

Was just dumped by someone who I would consider seemingly HVM. He came on strong and with intention from the beginning but got seriously injured very shortly after we stared dating. He hit me with the he’s been going through a lot with his leg etc and isn’t in a position to continue what we had going. He offered to be friends for now. Tbh I’m really sad. I said no to being friends. Deleted him off everything. He agreed we had a connection. I don’t even know what to think

licoricespicedtea · 2021-04-14T14:23:09+00:00

I know OLD is generally frowned upon here, but it’s been sort of useful to me recently to get comfortable with having high standards, blocking and deleting as soon as my experience with someone is the tiniest bit unpleasant or stressful, saying “haha drinks are something you do with people you want to network with” when a low effort date is proposed. I know this is a bit of a crutch, but I thought I’d put it out there for others who still have pick-me tendencies and need to get comfortable with actually carrying out FDS principles.

Also (somehow at the same time) it reminds you just how crappy most men are (even when they are supposedly presenting their best self) while also keeping you in an abundance mindset so you don’t get too invested/have crushes.

I know the FDS response to this is that if I need to practice these things I’m not really ready to date and need to focus on myself, and I generally agree. There are other reasons I’m not looking to date in the near future anyway. But sometimes people need practice. It’s one thing to be alone with yourself and be confident, but to enforce your boundaries to others isn’t something you can 100% practice without interacting with others.

Mostly putting this here just because it’s been bouncing around in my mind lately, but if anyone farther along in their FDS journey has ideas on how to practice/get comfortable with stuff that doesn’t involve dating apps, I’m all ears!

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-04-14T14:23:48+00:00

I can't post on FDS. I can type a title, etc., but when I hit "post," nothing happens. It's gone on for months and I've pretty much given up.

I don't know if it's a glitch or if it has something to do with the fact that my comments on dv are regularly removed by reddit if I don't disguise words like "ab.use," or "domestic vio.lence," etc., etc. I've noticed others can use the same words without issue, so it makes it seem as if I've been singled out or put on probation by reddit.

Is this a typical problem and is there anything I can do?

MagikalWords · 2021-04-14T17:49:56+00:00

I wish mods would comment on removed posts why they were removed. It's not because I think we should get an explanation, but for us to know what about it didn't align with FDS. For some posts it can be quite obvious, but not all of them, or at least not to all of us. A post has just been removed where a woman says she's protecting her assets and recommends everyone to get a prenup in order to protect themselves. I'm not sure why this isn't FDS aligned? At least in her situation it seemed like a good idea. Maybe because it's a case by case situation? If you're a SAHM it probably wouldn't be.

HlGHFIVE · 2021-04-17T08:28:12+00:00

I told my mom that I don't think there's a man out there ready for my high standards.

She agreed.

I said it made me kinda happy, knowing I can stop looking. No more searching or wondering.

She said "There's a man out there for you. ...He's being trained by another woman, right now as we speak."

I told her that my days of training men are over.

_Amarantos · 2021-04-18T00:35:56+00:00

Uh...has anyone noticed the pickme version of this sub has been created and they’re blatantly riffing off our terminology and logo?

need-to-irl-level-up · 2021-04-15T18:47:19+00:00

I’m wtfing over the fact there’s a men’s rights and anti feminist subreddits and yet somehow FDS is considered a hate subreddit.

aquietsword · 2021-04-16T04:09:40+00:00

I'm not forming a solid opinion here, just rambling random thoughts a bit, but idk how to feel about "reformed" cool girls. I think there's the group that really gets how fucked up things are and they change, but then there's this other group. It feels like they, with experience, start to see first hand how being the Cool Girl doesn't benefit them as women, but instead of truly uprooting the internalized misogyny, they just gerrymander the boundaries of which group of women they are superior to. So instead of "othering" women who are high maintenance and don't drink beer and don't put up with bullshit or whatever, they switch to othering vanilla women, or vegan women, or women that aren't woke enough. Somehow the greatest amount of hate is always directed towards women.

Social justice spheres have a lot of this too. I'm a woman of color, but the deep hate white women have been getting over the last few years (stemming from calling out racist actions that need to be called out but spreading to hate towards anything woman) feels pretty intense because I don't see the same towards men. Yes they do get called out but not in the same way. WOC will use something like Karen as a tool to combat racism, but men will use it as a tool to combat women, and at the end of the day men are the only ones left untouched.

Calling out truly problematic women is still the right thing to do, but it feels like battling amongst ourselves creates a vacuum for men to just claw their way to more power. Slightly off topic, but the amount of problematic men in this word that never got called out even when their bad behavior was there for everyone to see is wild. And yet their female counterpart would get dragged to filth. Idk how many people are familiar with youtube nonsense, but people like David Dobrik, Shane Dawson, Jeffree Star, James Charles, Logan Paul just doing shit in broad daylight but only really being called out now blows my mind. And still I don't see the same level of hate a woman would get.

level_up_always · 2021-04-16T19:33:04+00:00

I find it ridiculous that on both the childfree and marriagefree subs they have rules where you essentially can't talking about gender differences (no mIsAnDrY) when it's clear that the main people who benefit from marriage/children are men. The reasons why people don't get married/have kids is very different for each and no acknowledging those differences take out basically the crux of the whole conversation. Instead those subs are reduced to shallow level bullshit for the most part instead of really digging into the actual reasons why it doesn't benefit WOMEN because it's men who live longer with marriage and mUh lEgAcY. So frustrating.

laffytaggy · 2021-04-17T08:17:47+00:00

How does one deal with LVW in your life that you can't get rid of? There is one LVW in my family who was the stereotypical mean girl, used to put down other women to make herself seem better, cooler than them etc. She's toned it down a lot in adulthood but still does this in a subtle way. One example would be offhand joking like "oh THAT'S your purse? aww... how cute! everyone check this out!" in a slight condescending tone, but casual enough that she can play it off innocent if anyone takes offense

I've seen her do this to other family members and I see the hit it gives some people's confidence, even though they laugh it off. I hate seeing this but I'm not sure how to go about dealing with it. Most of the time I go along with the convo (I've gained more confidence so it doesn't bother me as much), but I often wonder if there is more I can do, especially to support the women she's doing it to. I've considered clapping back before, but I'm not sure if that would be stooping to her level... Any thoughts? Or should I just mind my own business?

Hoarse_Girl · 2021-04-13T15:05:56+00:00

I loved /u/millenialpink2000 's comment just now in another thread and wanted to ask what y'all have been doing during the pandemic. I picked up a daily yoga regimen and started experimenting with growing mushrooms and making vegan cheese. How about you?

daisy_0720 · 2021-04-15T18:27:01+00:00

My friend confided in me today that her boyfriend takes about 45 minutes to cum. She admitted that she would be quite content after about 10 minutes and then she's kind of just waiting for him to be done. She also told me she's often sore afterwards as a result. Is this a porn thing? I've experienced the opposite (a guy finishing after about 90 seconds of thrusting) but a guy taking nearly an hour before he can finish seems... extreme. I wasn't sure what to tell her.

theaftstarboard · 2021-04-16T05:21:40+00:00

My whole life has been a recreation of the toxic relationship of my father and mother, and it's extremely upsetting for to me to deal with right now.

I'm lucky right now, I am safe, I am relatively financially stable, with an easy (but deadend) job, but I'm processing all this stuff alone...including that I was a victim of CSA by my father, that I was groomed multiple times growing up, that I was taught to make myself a complete doormat for people (particularly men), that that is what led me to dating a pedophile at 18 (he was 28, he later had sex with (rape) and sexted underage girls, I left him after this but all his behavior with me was very abusive), that I am in this "better" relasionship now, with a man who is 25 years older than me, and is very supportive in many ways, but he's also an adulterer ('poly')....emotionally unavailable, uninterested in exercise, has a terrible diet and is overweight...I know I have my issues too (depression chief among them) but this isn't healthy. But I'm also stuck. I don't know anyone in my town. I have no family to talk to. I'm 35 and I don't know how to even start. I'm so tired. All the trauma I've been through I just feel lucky I never dragged a kid through any of it....

ga_shina · 2021-04-16T18:06:12+00:00

Any radfems here studied or are studying Women’s Studies in university? How is/was it?

dixiecup3 · 2021-04-15T19:06:31+00:00

I’m having trouble getting over a crush. We have been acquaintances for years- he’s handsome, funny, interesting, a feminist, and a super nice person. We flirted for a while, but he never asked me out. Eventually, it got to the point where it was obvious he wasn’t interested in me, so I moved on and we are no longer in contact.

I’m not normally the kind of person who gets hung up over a man. But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve gone on dates with other guys since then (none of that worked out either), but for some reason I still think about him more than any other guy I’ve been interested. I’m not sure why my brain decided to linger on this one guy in particular, lol.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-04-16T08:42:32+00:00

There's a sub for gaming addicts who want to quit. Honestly, I'm impressed. Sounds like bare minimum stuff, but I'm just happy there's something productive men are doing. Many seem to realize how they weren't there for their families.

It's just really nice to see in contrast to other subs. I'm quietly rooting for them.

pipettor · 2021-04-16T09:47:46+00:00

I'm not sure this is the right place. I sent a verification request on discord 3 weeks ago, maybe I sent it to the wrong mod or in the wrong format. Should I contact another mod?

chicken-titties · 2021-04-16T14:46:01+00:00

Doesn't deserve its own thread -- but-- Let me start with saying this is my first post here, and follow that up with we weren't even dating.

Was talking to a single guy, getting to know him. He compared me to his ex wife, repeatedly. By about the 5th time, I told him I'm not inclined to tolerate being compared to her - at all.

Now our conversations have dried up, almost entirely.

I know I made the right choice in standing my ground for that type of behavior. But to be honest, I'm a little butthurt it even went that route at all.

How do you, dear FDS redditors, suggest is the best course of action at this point?

Let it fade and move on (assuming this is the top choice.)
Try to talk to him(Not sure it's worth it at this point frankly.)

judithyourholofernes · 2021-04-16T23:01:22+00:00

Hi ladies, I'm not a regular FDS visitor but I'm curious... anyone ever use the dating apps that only allow you to be screened in via looks or income? I just got let in to one (voted in on looks) but I have no experience with this. Anyone done this? I would normally never do this but I'm curious... I've had experiences in my 20s of being approached by wealthy men (I'm 31 now) but I always shot them down due to assumptions/being weirded out. I have zero interest in being a sugar baby or any of that. I'm looking for a real relationship aka marriage.

Imissdunkaroos · 2021-04-17T20:22:11+00:00

I just wanted to say that I LOVE the new podcast. So well done. I’m excited to binge every episode. ❤️

Sanne592 · 2021-04-13T02:44:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

cmil7731 · 2021-04-13T15:54:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

snowwhite224 · 2021-04-12T19:17:14+00:00

Okay I’d like to know what high value / FDS minded youtubers you ladies watch. My favorites I’ve found are Greta Bretcheta (sp?), Chengi’s World, Shera7, Karine Alourde and Dr. Michelle.

Another one I recently found is The Universe Guru (Mina). Everything she teaches is very FDS except for the fact that she encourages age gap relationships. I say this lightly because she’s not out here telling women to date wrinkly old men. But her thing is that you should date up preferably 5-7 years older than you she claims is the sweet spot. She does have science to back this up (basically how men mature slower than women, so if you date a guy 5 years older than you you’ll be more on the same level intellectually and also gives him a sense of being a protector/provider. She also cites the fact that physically, women age faster) This makes a lot of sense to me as I’m 23 and cannot for the life of me even entertain the idea of dating another 22/23/24 year old. No way. I’m wondering what other women think of this?

I know FDS discourages age gap relationships (as do I) however I think 5- 7 years is fair depending on if you are in the same life stage or not. (Obviously a 20 year old and 27 year old would be pushing it)

blondetech · 2021-04-13T20:35:45+00:00

bf and i got on the topic of fantasies very briefly - he said one of his is a threesome. i immediately shut it down, and he said he was not asking me for one and knows i do not want one, he was merely voicing the fantasy. i said i get that many guys are into it, but still don't like the idea that he wants to sleep with someone besides me. he said he didn't know how to turn that off in his brain, and explained that men see attractive women and naturally think about having sex with them. He said he loves me and would never act on it, but thats what attraction for a man is.

I've never had it laid out like that for me, so it made me super uncomfortable to have the idea of him thinking about sleeping with other women. He does not watch porn, so I guess these are just thoughts in his head and they could be harmless. Do you ladies think it is normal to have involuntary thoughts about having sex with other people pop into your head when you are in a relationship? Do you think that men do with other women, and they just don't voice it? I mean, I will see a hot guy on the street and think he's attractive, but my brain doesn't go towards what he's like in bed.

PinkBlair99 · 2021-04-17T18:20:21+00:00

Random Q: any recs for affordable but good quality and nice looking and fitting workout wear? Need to upgrade! Thanks!

FDS-GFY · 2021-04-18T19:52:53+00:00

I’d like advice for evaluating female therapists for “pickme” behavior. I have just realized mine is one. Potentially because she’s the mother of a son so nOT aLL MeN

laffytaggy · 2021-04-18T22:01:15+00:00

Why do I feel bad for declining to hang out with 2 guy “friends”? I know the truth. One is not a friend and only wants me around bc it makes him look good. The other is someone I recently met through mutual friends and is thirsty. He is thoughtful and checked in when I had a family situation and I responded politely and friendly- he took that to mean more it seems.

Sigh.

Title	Weekly FDS Chat/ Check-In
Author	Unlikely-Marzipan
Upvotes	69
Comments	245
Date	April 12, 2021 9:46 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mpaiii/weekly_fds_chat_checkin/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-chat-check-in.1188822 https://theredarchive.com/post/1188822

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