For the men who have tried the common dating advice of joing hobby groups, expanding your social circle, taking a class, join a co-ed sports league, join a book club, etc... how long did it take until it actually bore fruit?

No_Mammoth8801 · 2024-08-22T00:21:34+00:00

I'll address each of these strategies individually, since I have looked in and participated in most of these to varying degrees

Hobby groups: if they are posted online, they are probably sausage fests. There are mixed-gender groups of people who will go out to do hobbies, but these are more friend groups that have a hobby in common. You need to know someone to get in.
Expanding your social circle: Harder than it looks. It almost worked for me twice, but some combination of jobs, education, differing interests, and life stages got in the way. One was an extraordinary life circumstance that broke apart what I thought was a burgeoning friend group of young mid-late 20s professionals my age. I was attracted to one of the other single women in that group and observed what I thought were some subtle IoIs from her, so that was disappointing to see evaporate. Overall I'd say it is almost impossible unless you share some mutuals with the new friend group you're trying to pivot into.
Taking a class: I've taken a few. No single women my age. These weren't highly masculine classes either.
Join a book club: I don't know why this gets brought up as a viable place to meet women. Women who join book clubs pretty much only join women-only book clubs with the intention of reading a certain genre, usually true crime, romance, or mystery.
Join a co-ed sports league: This seems to be what most people have been doing in the past year, but there are a few things to consider. Some of these leagues (and I am mainly pointing my finger at the run clubs here) have gotten way too big for their own good and are causing traffic problems in the places they are meeting. Also, a lot of these places exist for maybe 6 months max before it's 60-70% guys. Also not a viable option of you work late or weird hours, since a lot of these clubs meet at 5PM when a lot of people are still just getting off work. There's one league that meets on Sundays I could go to, but the guy who was supposed to show me around and who I share a mutual with, "forgot" to contact me for the past few weeks.

Luciansleep · 2024-08-22T01:08:40+00:00

Never did

escape12345 · 2024-08-22T06:27:46+00:00

I have tried yoga, book class, movie marathon, dance beginner lessons, Meetup groups. They are all useless

I did get more chances attending church service

DrunkOnRamen · 2024-08-21T23:26:10+00:00

It hasn't.

DoinIt989 · 2024-08-22T03:42:37+00:00

"Expanding my social circle" is the only one I've tried. It worked fairly quickly, but success is up and down. I got new hookups/interest from girls fairly quickly, but actually getting a relationship always takes time. You're not gonna click with everyone you meet. It just gives you more "shots on goal" with better odds than swiping on an app.

Important to note that "expanding my social circle" largely came via going out to bars or live events in a "scene" that I was interested. And I also smoked cigarettes and weed. All of these hings are a non-starter for many of the men who post here.

Bitter-Hat-4736 · 2024-08-21T23:32:08+00:00

It... hasn't. Granted, the only hobby group I can really stay focused on are Magic the Gathering groups, and the number of women I have met through that in over a decade an a half is probably under 20.

his_purple_majesty · 2024-08-22T05:27:18+00:00

I have a hobby that a lot of women participate in. But I don't do it to meet women. I do it because it's my hobby. I've been doing it for like 7 years maybe (longer than that, but I've only been single for 7 years). I've not met any women through it. But I tend to keep to myself.

I've gone to a few meetups and singles events because my friends wanted to, and they're always horrible, just awful, and sad.

LordShadows · 2024-08-22T08:23:16+00:00

I've still got ptsd. Anime conventions have surprisingly fucked up social circles.

I got more success with dating apps.

MikeArrow · 2024-08-21T23:44:02+00:00

Been playing D&D for six years now. I've gotten two dates out of it. Two first dates, neither eventuated to a second. I'd like to think that my next girlfriend will just show up to play one day and we'll be smitten, but chances seem slim.

eyewave · 2024-08-22T08:19:51+00:00

I arrived fresh in Austria last year with only a bit of prior knowledge in German language.

I'm a member of the app Internations, that allows me to meet people quick in casual and generally safe settings.

Since last year;

I've met someone in the first few days who became my crush, then my friend, then my bratty friend with whom I fight all the time.
I've matched someone living in Hungary on Okcupid and dumped her 2 months after.
I've found a synagogue to spend schabbat at.
Someone from the synagogue has hit on me and I gave them a chance for a couple of weeks before ending it.
I've got various other crushes and dates that went completely nowhere.
I've made a good couple of acquaintances and some loyal friends.
in March I've met my amazing girlfriend in a clubbing event, and it was special because I rarely ever approach in clubs.

So, lots of failed interactions have happened very early on! And the one that got me to be close to someone I admire and trust, happened last March. It took me one single semester. Would even have got faster if I didn't stay stuck ln my stupid delulu 🤡

But you've got to put efforts in and really connect with your people.

Brilliant-Witness449 · 2024-08-22T00:59:19+00:00

That shit doesn’t work. There are 2 “steps” to your dating success, what you do doesn’t matter

balhaegu · 2024-08-22T06:05:44+00:00

Met the love of my life on a video game.

LapazGracie · 2024-08-21T23:42:28+00:00

It never did.

I had to move to Ukraine to find a wife (I'm originally Ukrainian/Russian myself so I already had family there).

It certainly helped with my social skills. I think that ultimately helped a ton when I got to Kyiv.

But the quality of women available was VERY LOW relative to Ukraine. Practically nothing.

pg_throwaway · 2024-08-22T09:22:05+00:00

The last time I became single and looked for new social group, it took a few months from when I started looking to before I slept with the first girl connected to that group. I slept with three girls total before after 9 months I started dating my now wife.

I used facebook to join hiking and traveling groups which led me to connect up with an extended social group of a bunch of European and American young people (in their 20's) doing various kinds of volunteering and charity work in my country.

ktdotnova · 2024-08-22T05:51:13+00:00

It's never that quite enjoyable because you know deep down inside you're on the prowl for dates... You're "fake" having fun. Just use online dating and keep your hobbies... your hobbies.

sprckets21 · 2024-08-21T23:55:51+00:00

I’ve done all these things to try and find friends, I can’t find friends outside of party circles. Getting friends in my 20s at school, apartment, work was so easy now it’s so hard. When I do find someone it’s like they barely want to be my friend. Friends that just want to go have drinks, weekend vacation, or go to bars/clubs is easier.

As far as women, I worked on an instagram for years so now dating apps work great. I started out I couldn’t get much matches. Now I’m on hinge and I get in top picks and get sent roses some days and I match a ton and just ask girls out. So at least that works for company, hooking up, and getting a girlfriend.

The only other thing that kinda works for me is going to club/bar hotspots in your town, getting a buzz and just start chatting with girls, I much prefer dating apps though.

shadowrangerfs · 2024-08-22T10:51:25+00:00

It never did. The things I like are either sausage parties or the few women there are much to old for me. I mean women close to my mom's age.

Solanthas · 2024-08-22T12:18:49+00:00

This thread is fucking depressing lol

Gravel_Roads · 2024-08-22T07:19:32+00:00

Worked great for me; I met all of my partners through common-interest groups one way or another. Mostly writing/story-telling/tabletop RPG type settings where everyone is being creative and working together.

sine120 · 2024-08-21T23:43:59+00:00

This was when I was in high school, so take it with a grain of salt. I've always had a lot of female friends/ a mixed cohort of friends. My wife had been a friend for several years before we started dating. When I actually indicated my interest we started dating immediately.

I was not friends with any of my female friends because my goal was to date them, I was friends with them because I enjoyed their company. If this was not the case, I probably would have not been successful.

Unable_Evidence_4028 · 2024-08-22T11:27:10+00:00

A few years. What many fail to explain is that it is not the acts that help you but the number of women you have access to and learning to sound attractive with women by trial and error. Lets say that I met 10 women a month through a hobby like kayaking and hit on them. At 1% success rate (the avg rate for a young man like I was), I would need 10 months to have a 50% chance of getting laid (napkin maths). 8ish years for a 90% chance. So it is obvious multiple means to meet women are needed. I at one point was on avg hitting on 3 new women a day (irl, OLD was small at the time) and getting laid once a month at least. It bore a lot of sexual encounters but also a lot of time and effort. Also, at each woman, I learned to tweak my behavior to each new experience, not too different from being better at carpintery cause you do it a lot. Leading to increased success rates.

SecondEldenLord · 2024-08-22T15:24:06+00:00

I took gym classes and basically no ladies were interested in becoming friends with men like me but most definetly wanted to become friends and more with tall muscular handsome men.

mrfoozywooj · 2024-08-23T13:10:47+00:00

It never bore any fruit, getting fit and hot is what actually allowed me to find someone, nobody wants to date a fat slob.

cromulent_weasel · 2024-08-22T03:30:50+00:00

I mentally took a year off from dating after the end of my marriage. I joined a hobby club, and have started a group of people who meet weekly to play board games at my group, and that's turned into a subset of them meeting on a different night as well.

So the social part is great.

At the start of the year I decided I was ready to give online dating a try, created a profile and within a couple of weeks, I started dating my now current girlfriend.

I'm trying to get a basic idea of the amount of time I'll need to put into get something out of the advice

Don't develop hobbies and social networks to increase your chance of getting in a relationship. Do it because it makes you a better and happier person. If anything, being in a relationship makes it harder to maintain those other things, because MAN a relationship is a time suck. I have NO free time any more.

I've always had difficulty reading and connecting with people.

I absolutely feel you, I'm in the same boat. Find something though, it's really important for your happiness.

Hobbies and expanded social circles are for your improved quality of life, not for improving your chances of attracting a mate. They might do that also, but that's coincidental, not the goal.

GrandpaDallas · 2024-08-22T09:11:03+00:00

For me, sports leagues were an easy 100% way for me to make a few friends. I moved to my city 8 years ago and joined co-Ed softball and volleyball teams. Some of those people I’m still friends with today.

Even recently I went to a few city social events and made some strong friendships that have been amazing pals

Class wise I took an improv workshop and through that met very good people, but it took a bit of time since a lot of people who do improv are a little too goofy for my taste.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2024-08-22T02:12:18+00:00

3 weeks lol

Goonerlouie · 2024-08-22T09:42:28+00:00

Those things you mentioned can work if you are lucky. You obviously need to be physically attractive as well.

No one ever suggests this but volunteer at a charity or two a couple times a week. You might even meet someone there as well who has already vetted & accepted you since you are doing something noble compared to some of the suggestions here like D&D, yu gi oh (wtf) and magic (again, wtf)

obviousredflag · 2024-08-22T07:42:36+00:00

I've always had difficulty reading and connecting with people.

Ah classic. You try to get from an average value of the population to what you can expect for the individual, that is not representative of that population.

It's pointless, dude.

You are you. Others join a book club and leave with 5 friends. You can join 10 book clubs and leave with 0. There is no way to get a basic idea of the amount of time you will need to put in. If people don't like you and you don't like talking to people, it's not about the time spent or the amount of clubs you join.

SadCahita · 2024-08-22T09:03:49+00:00

For gf or sex it had never bore fruit for me. For "friends" it did a bit, even for a female "friend" in the span of a year but on a low level of friendship.

I'm about to have a random girl as a girlfriend and ironically I plan to use that to have some status and boost me around people, being seen with a new light and maybe even creat a new hobby group. The "this guy never had a gf and is not having sex" vibe simply kills your performance at meeting people so I find the "you just have to put yourself out" line useless

gollyned · 2024-08-24T04:15:33+00:00

This didn't work for me. Online dating eventually did. After about two years.

You're still competing against the infinite stream of men who are more attractive than you she can swipe through endlessly on apps, who give her instant attention and gratification.

Women don't go out and do these things as often as men in my city. They stay inside and swipe on instagram and tinder and watch netflix.

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-08-22T00:14:31+00:00

No more than six weeks for any given thing. That's to like, hooking up. Making friends ito a point of exchanging contacts idk 3 days max.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-21T23:12:15+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

EducatorDelicious392 · 2024-08-22T11:26:31+00:00

You won't because you are joining the club to meet women instead of being interested in the topic.

Comments