I think that women highly value confidence and this puts men at a significant dating disadvantage.

pyroblastftw · 2026-06-24T15:51:50+00:00

What do you actually mean by "confidence”?

It seems like this term is being used in a vague way and you’ve constructed an entire argument around it before concretely defining it.

IgorXY · 2026-06-24T16:08:09+00:00

I prefer confident women too.

weenieandthebutt · 2026-06-24T16:00:01+00:00

I just feel "confidence" is just a proxy for any man who carries this aura around him whether it's height, being boorishly loud or charismatic. In other words power.

I see guys who are fairly short, small build, soft spoken, poor posture who get constantly told they need to be more confident, even when they aren't insecure or are content with themselves internally.

decaf_puppy · 2026-06-24T15:38:08+00:00

It’s like hiring. We only want experienced people. Juniors have to make up employment to get hired.

AutisticRats · 2026-06-24T18:35:42+00:00

What puts men at a disadvantage in dating is that single women are happier than single men. This makes single men more desperate for a relationship and women often find these unhappy desperate men less desirable. As long as men are more dissatisfied with single life than women, men will always be disadvantaged when seeking a relationship.

The sense of urgency for many centuries was always on women, so men had the advantage. Women wanted to have children and this put pressure to marry early to get started on a family. This often meant women needed to be less particular on who they chose as a life partner. Now that having children later in life or not at all has grown more popular, there is no rush for many women to form a relationship. This now puts the pressure on men to form relationships so they can quit being single. Women don't experience the same pressure to stop being single since they are happier with single life than men.

At some point men will learn how to be happy without women, and once they do things will even out a bit more when dating.

owthathurted · 2026-06-24T15:46:19+00:00

The word "confidence" might as well be meaningless at this point in a dating context. It is the most empty, shallow adjective in the "dating market" vocabulary.

chamomilecloud · 2026-06-24T15:45:51+00:00

If we take confidence to mean self-assuredness and being comfortable talking to women, flirting with them, etc., I'm not sure why the digital age is relevant to that.

Male disadvantage in dating is not caused by any one preference. It's that men as a group are less selective than women as a group, which creates imbalance.

wesborland1234 · 2026-06-24T16:26:01+00:00

Confidence doesn’t help much if you’re ugly and have a bad body. Or if you’re over 30 and poor.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-06-24T16:25:21+00:00

Confidence would be “relative to other men” in much the same way as height so it’s impossible for everyone to be disadvantaged.

You can leverage this by choosing what social circles you involve yourself in though.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2026-06-24T16:07:05+00:00

Why would a digital age that’s been going on since the 90s make people somehow less confident?!

LofiStarforge · 2026-06-24T16:59:46+00:00

True confidence comes from competence. Many men do not get the reps to be confident with women. I say this as someone whom can recognize my privilege from the other side.

ouishi · 2026-06-24T17:35:05+00:00

I take issue with the idea that technology necessarily makes people less confident. Technology does whatever you ask of it.

If you ask technology to entertain your brain, that's all it's going to do. But if you instead ask it to train your brain, it can do that effectively, but you must take the initiative.

I've used technology to gain confidence. From practicing for karaoke on video at home, to listening to self-help audiobooks and using CBT-based apps.

Technology is only as useful as the user makes it.

Professional_Bat8585 · 2026-06-24T17:58:07+00:00

I think confidence is certainly a consideration, but it has nothing to do with making things harder for men as a population.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-24T21:36:23+00:00

Women aren't mind readers: they don't actually know if you're confidence. They can only see if you carry yourself with confidence. Fortunately, it's often easier to change behavior than to change your mind.

And that behavior really comes down more to poise-under-pressure and competence.

Due_Knowledge7966 · 2026-06-25T00:39:02+00:00

Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think a lot of men don't dare to appear confident because they fear repercussions socially and criminally.

In Sweden we have the enthusiastic consent law for example that makes it rape if she didn't enthusiastically consent, and it seems like quite a gray zone around what that is, so even guys who think they are pretty good at reading signals are hesitating to be overly forward and "confident".

Maybe the law is a net positive for society, but it partly explains how confidence is less common nowadays, I think.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2026-06-25T23:53:38+00:00

Much of what women see as confidence is actually narcissism or emotional detachment.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2026-06-24T15:39:41+00:00

It’s just weird framing to say that any trait one sex finds attractive means the other is at a “disadvantage.”

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-06-24T15:45:31+00:00

Not really, confidence has always been something everyone likes, not just romantically either.

Somebody that can start a conversation with a stranger, speak their mind, stand up for themselves, all desirable traits and we all have variations of it with different people and different circumstances

It’ll only be a disadvantage for men that never leave their bedrooms or talk to real women

AutisticRats · 2026-06-24T16:21:46+00:00

If the goal of dating is a healthy long lasting relationship, then men can't be at a disadvantage because of women's preferences. Men not finding healthy long lasting relationships due to a lack of confidence means there are as many women who also haven't found a relationship since they can't find a confident partner, thus the end result is equal for both men and women.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-06-24T17:07:23+00:00

Wouldn't the digital age make faking confidence easier than ever before?

Look, I understand that there are anxious generations rising up, a loss of third spaces, and a loss of social opportunities....but there's also an ability to present an entirely fake or fake it until you make it version of yourself to the world and then all you have to do is stay quiet enough you don't dismiss this character you've pretended to play successfully.

I don't think people are necessarily less confident, I think they're no longer confident in the in-person spaces dating thrives on. I think people are wildly more confident online and the problem is figuring out how to transmit this into dating success of any kind.

And women are more selective than men period, so no, this isn't the significant disadvantage you seem to think. Especially since confidence is something you can convincingly fake for certainly long enough to get a date. A lack of true confidence typically isn't a struggle until well within a relationship dynamic.

ThrowRAGlobeVase · 2026-06-24T20:46:58+00:00

How does it put them at a disadvantage? Men value things in women too right?

YveisGrey · 2026-06-24T21:01:54+00:00

Ime confidence isn’t necessary if you’re good looking then his shyness becomes mysteriousness and his lack of confidence becomes endearing or is interpreted as humility

cromulent_weasel · 2026-06-24T22:10:58+00:00

Are people less confident now? I think that's a very marginal point. I do think that as a generalisation women are more prone to anxiety, and having a confident partner can help women be less anxious.

That's my take on the value of confidence for men.

OffTheRedSand · 2026-06-24T16:00:18+00:00

So now we’re complaining about standards women have that are also within men’s control?

NotAllTheCake · 2026-06-24T16:34:01+00:00

Men's laziness is what puts them at a disadvantage. 80% of women have full-time jobs. The ones that don't are mainly SAHMs, whose work is unpaid and devalued by men. Very few women don't have jobs in some way or another.

However, women have to navigate a mine field where she has a huge chance that the guy she picks won't do any chores or household duties, while eating 70% of the food.

SnooCats37 · 2026-06-24T15:44:59+00:00

Insecure men can be dangerous to women, but insecure people are more controlling, can accuse you of cheating constantly, need constant proof that you like them. It can be exhausting and ruins relationships. Being with someone who is confident in themselves is not just more attractive, it makes the relationship easier

cb8585b · 2026-06-24T16:01:58+00:00

No that would suggest confidence is immutable. It’s not and therefore you can only put yourself at a disadvantage.

HalfwaydonewithEarth · 2026-06-24T15:42:05+00:00

It's not looks.

It's confidence things are going to work out just fine and life will turn out in a great way.

Gravel_Roads · 2026-06-24T15:47:14+00:00

Can you explain how women preferring confident men is resulting in men becoming LESS confident?

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Bilbo332 · 2026-06-24T21:09:30+00:00

I've worked with a lot of young talented men, and I always tell them the same thing, and I'm shamelessly paraphrasing a speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger that I'd really recommend every young man and woman listens to about his "rules for success". His first rule is about figuring out who you are. You might be a doctor, a welder, a politician, a nurse, but that is what you are. To figure out who you are do a simple thought exercise: where do you want to volunteer? Do you want to walk dogs for the SPCA? Serve meals to the homeless? Play music for the elderly? Pack boxes at the food bank? There's no wrong answer, but asking yourself gives you a sense of purpose, and that's where confidence comes from. Name calling just bounces right off me because I know who I am.

PrecisionHat · 2026-06-24T23:04:35+00:00

Women respond romantically to confidence displayed by men they are already physically attracted to. There is no amount of confidence that will offset her physical icks. That's just a lie they tell (probably more to themselves than other people).

The super confident average guy usually just gets friend zoned because he makes her feel good about herself with his vibe but the second she thinks he seriously wants to fuck, she's out.

CarHungry · 2026-06-24T23:35:08+00:00

I'd argue confidence isn't directly attractive to women, because it doesn't line up with how most people meet up (through friends rather than as strangers on the street) I think a lack of confidence can hurt you because you could miss opportunities, but there's a very hard ceiling to what confidence alone can do for you in dating.

throwthersi-66769 · 2026-07-01T00:04:30+00:00

Confidence is ironically in many instances nothing more than knowing you will be ok even if things go wrong. So if a woman rejects you, you’ll be ok. That being said women, some of them, are good at seeing it as an attraction marker and are bad at seeing real experience behind it. Some of the most confident men I have known or met admit to failing consistently at endeavors -and I mean big ones- surgeons, attorneys, crisis workers, loggers, fishermen etc. And even on Reddit there have been several threads from seemingly uber confident men in tough fields who questioned their relationship when faced with the idea that their gf picked hot toxic confident guys in the past but then ‘settled’ for them as stable men. These were men in tough jobs with high stress and lots of training, I would hardly call them slouches and can’t imagine the confidence required to say, cut someone open, or keep an innocent person out of jail. I think they rightfully questioned the confidence labeling since they felt like they were not quite seen for their version of confidence (years of study and dedication, or the ability to read situations fast and work it out, or knowing simply when to cut losses) and part of me hopes they found the people that appreciated their skill and talent even in failure and saw the experience in them. I also hope hot toxic confident guys with surface level moxie get left behind - but if you believe this is going to change fast I have a bridge in Brooklyn I would love to sell you.

Otjahe · 2026-06-24T16:01:16+00:00

Confidence is obviously attractive. Confident people are going to have a better time making friends, romantic relationships, careers etc. It makes perfect biological sense why confidence is ranked highly. Everyone loves confidence more or less. Watch any movie ever, read about any heroic well liked historical character

AnimalLoose2402 · 2026-06-24T18:17:03+00:00

To be confident is a way to show competence and strength.
Women value competence and strength.

MaulerX · 2026-06-24T16:04:58+00:00

The problem isnt that men dont have confidence. The problem is that unattractive men dont have confidence because they dont have the proper social skills because they didnt interact with their peers as much when they were younger because they were unattractive, or social awkward, or autisic, or whatever reason.

Suddenfury · 2026-06-24T16:52:59+00:00

The weird thing is that as a woman you could take any man and make him confident.

Armando1917 · 2026-06-24T19:53:58+00:00

Women want confident men, good looking men get female attention become more confident, average men ignored and confidence gets worse. Cycle continues until only top 20% men are dating, while average men may go years a years without anything. You try being in a drought that long, eventually it just gets to you

JollyBowler2510 · 2026-06-24T23:54:10+00:00

I mean, don’t you too want a confident woman? I feel like it’s a natural thing on both sides for people to want their partners confident. Why would anyone want to be with someone that is always insecure??

Spicy_take · 2026-06-24T18:22:04+00:00

The problem is women’s utter lack of confidence in general. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. But you can be as confident as you want as a man. Doesn’t do much good when all the women are panicky and shrink away from social contact.

tiny__jelly · 2026-06-25T06:07:08+00:00

When I think about my personal love life, there have been men who were clearly very interested in getting to know me, but couldn't do any "move" towards me. They still gravitated towards me, though. At some point the mother of a guy who liked me came up to me and asked me to ask her son out because "he was a very reserved person". This is nuts. Of course the lack of confidence of this guy made me dislike him immediately.

Title	I think that women highly value confidence and this puts men at a significant dating disadvantage.
Author	FinnAgain12
Upvotes	18
Comments	342
Date	June 24, 2026 3:33 PM UTC (3 weeks ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1uegumr/i_think_that_women_highly_value_confidence_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-think-that-women-highly-value-confidence-and.1583529 https://theredarchive.com/post/1583529

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