What Red Flags Have You Ignored That Later Became the Reason You Left

Saitschik · 2021-01-30T01:26:05+00:00

Going to a festival and staying radio silent for 7 days. It was the first time that he showed me that he did not care as much about me as I thought he would. It became a pattern, he just did what he wanted without taking me and my well-being into consideration. That escalated further and became one day the reason I left.

mynameisrominka · 2021-01-30T01:36:37+00:00

Fake concern for my wellbeing. To then proceed to ignore me for weeks, trash my wellbeing and try to gaslight and manipulate me into feeling guilty for bringing up the effects of him being shitty. Emphasis on "try" because that's what ultimately set off the alarms.

I should have realized earlier, because even in the "honeymoon" phase I was triggered. Everything was apparently ok but I was not, my body was telling me, I didn't listen.

Twolipz_78 · 2021-01-30T01:53:04+00:00

How he always seemed to be in some sort of conflict with somebody all the time and for very petty things.
The way he held ultimate grudges and didn’t talk to people for no good reason, even his own Daughter.
His grandiose superiority complex that he used to prop up his false self.
Basically the way he treated loved ones and those close to him/had a history with like they weren’t anything to him just b/c the wind blew differently that day.

TheSuspiciousChard · 2021-01-30T02:21:15+00:00

[deleted]

pineycitrusforest · 2021-01-30T01:35:30+00:00

Lying to his parents. I convinced myself he wouldn't lie to me. 7 years of lies later... the dam that broke....

Also his lack of discipline.

Princesspeach8188 · 2021-01-30T02:22:16+00:00

These are going to be embarrassing.... but: 1. My ex asked me if I would go on the birth control pill after the SECOND time we had sex .... according to him the condom made it difficult for him to ejaculate. 2. He always seemed upset that I had other things going on/didn’t have time to hang out with him everyday? His ex-girlfriend didn’t have friends/a job- while I have a lot of friends and a demanding job... so I made it clear I wasn’t going to act like that. He wanted me to be so needy and dependent on him.... sickening. Thank God I got out

ldid · 2021-01-30T05:16:30+00:00

Us going on a trip to the mountains to go winter hiking (one of my favourite hobbies), getting up early to hit the trail I was really excited and he told me to "be quiet" and "you're too excited. Calm down".... That's when I discovered he was a manipulative narcissist. You are telling me to be less happy to do the thing that makes me happy.

He also yelled at me on the drive home when I pointed at a sign. He literally said, "DON'T POINT AT THINGS ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN I'M DRIVING!" I broke up with him the following day.

bluebird_wings · 2021-01-30T02:27:52+00:00

Lies

Lack of empathy

Yelling during arguments

Silent treatment

Uses his parents without shame, and harshly criticizes them as well

purasangria · 2021-01-30T02:36:39+00:00

Continuous conflict and drama during the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, when things are supposed to be easy; petulant texts when I didn't respond right away to his text messages because I was at a yoga class; demanding that I spend every night with him if he wasn't traveling; texting exes and women that he'd fucked, whilst insisting that I dump all my male friends.

Basically, being a controlling ass. Never again.

wagonwheel_ · 2021-01-30T03:59:36+00:00

Telling me to “calm down” when I’m not yelling/talking in a normal voice.

Hateorade_ · 2021-01-30T01:52:47+00:00

His shitty communication and him not speaking to me for a few days while here I am not knowing what I did wrong this time. Also, his absolute terrible conflict resolution skills--I try my best to always understand his side of the story and why he feels the way he does but when it comes to me, he invalidated the shit out of me and made me feel like a dumbass for opening up to him. What really fucked me up, in the end, was when he ghosted me for 10 whole days (as established by me because I couldn't wait any longer than that). He had messaged me saying we should go out for our three year anniversary (this was going to be the first time I have seen him since March lol). I basically made all the plans, considering we were eating in his city, I still made all the plans lol... gave him the option to do so but he chose not to. He canceled twice due to a small family emergency considering his mom (it was very very minor), he didn't even tell me what was wrong with her--even after I respectfully asked what had happened to her. He read the message and didn't respond to me--he went radio silent, no response to my texts, call, or DM. I texted him breaking up with him because I wasn't going to be that bitch to drive to his building to do that. When he read my message, he called me and tried getting me to stay because his birthday was coming soon and he was concerned as to who he was going to celebrate it with lol (give me a break).

Sage_Planter · 2021-01-30T03:54:15+00:00

Consistently demonstrating selfishness and an ability to prioritize me, my happiness, or our relationship. Within the first six months, there were multiple instances where he proved that he was unwilling to consider me in decision making. I didn't need him to put me first or have his life revolve around me, but it was clear early on that he simply didn't care about how his actions impacted me. It never changed.

sunflowerr23xx · 2021-01-30T01:31:55+00:00

Him treating and talking to me like trash and thinking it’s “love” It wasn’t and it caused me to seek therapy and require me to re wire my brain from seeking love from men who remind me of my father.. my inner child is finally at peace with myself.

nymphaetamine · 2021-01-30T01:40:09+00:00

The manipulation of saying one thing and doing another. Saying he cared but yet I couldn’t come close to a count of how many times I had to say the same things over and over about what I needed from him, what hurt my feelings, what made me feel invalidated. Shouldn’t have even had to say any of it, but when they can do better for one day then go back to default it’s really insulting. Especially when they expect you to cook, clean, and put out all the time and make it snappy and put a smile on while you’re at it. You can’t miss a beat but it’s okay for them to do it all the time.

kickingtheweightk8 · 2021-01-30T01:59:14+00:00

His female “friends.”

rukia_kuchiki00 · 2021-01-30T03:35:03+00:00

Him ignoring me for 2 days then becoming angry when I asked “Is everything alright?” and proceeding to “ask for a break” for 1 week. Then becoming angry at me for going out with my friends that following weekend lol

_THIS_IS_THE_WAY_ · 2021-01-30T02:37:25+00:00

He was always rearranging my clothes to try and have me select specific items that HE preferred... I finally snapped about this one day, and he said it's OUR body, not MINE and I'm done with him. Such a LVM in hindsight

missgirl649 · 2021-01-30T03:41:43+00:00

Him telling me flat out he was a messed up person and had done bad things in the past (my former little pickme heart thought I could cHaNgE HiM), not even calling me when I was sick in the beginning of the relationship despite him dropping hundreds of dollars on gifts when he was lovebombing me, ex’s were crazy apparently, saying I love you way too early, telling me his mom needed to approve of me or we couldnt date, aggressive temper out of nowhere, kept in contact with old hookups, incessantly talking about ex’s and hookups

Plbstl · 2021-01-30T02:35:30+00:00

He said he was about to break up with his girl friend when we started dating. Three years later I open the door to a girl who told me that he was about to break up with me because they were dating. I left the same day.

sassenachpants · 2021-01-30T05:00:35+00:00

Ugh so so many.

All his exes were "crazy" and either refused to speak to him or were controlling narcissists.
His disgusting house
He was on social media 24/7 but it felt like the relationship was secret.
Everything was about him and his feelings.
The completely fucked up way he spoke to his daughter about her food choices and eating habits in front of other people.
He was utterly terrified of being in a relationship.

TheLovelyTurd · 2021-01-30T05:51:38+00:00

He posted a picture of us on social media, and told me later that one of his 'friends' (HIM) thought I was getting chunky. I weighed 109 at 5'6 at his insistence. I got down to 99 before I realized it would never be enough, because it wasn't about my weight; it was all about control and what I was willing to do for him.

YetiCouple · 2021-01-30T02:19:38+00:00

We went fishing for prawns at this prawn farm. They had a space for you to cook up the prawns after and to eat them fresh. He got really mad and shouted at me for not wanting to watch the prawns wriggle to death over the fire. Left me crying for the remaining of the "date" :(

Amongst many other red flags... during my birthday, he brought his friends to "surprise" me and got mad when I wasn't "entertaining them" because I'd spent more time with my own best friends. He just left abruptly and refused my phone calls and left me crying at the bar/restaurant. :(

berrylikeova · 2021-01-30T03:45:11+00:00

He walked out of helping me move. I should’ve believed how little he cared.

the_wave5 · 2021-01-30T03:58:21+00:00

In no particular order, a list:

Smoker

Daily habit of going to the bar after work

Didn't cook, only ate take-out

Sold weed

Mr. Popular

Mama's boy

featherflowers · 2021-01-30T06:42:29+00:00

Telling me "this is just how I am, take it or leave it". I should have just left it. Listen when they tell you who they are.

motoyo-rika · 2021-01-30T03:11:01+00:00

Calling all his exes crazy. Raising his voice and getting mad whenever his mom showed concern for him.

Eventually I understood why he called them "crazy", it was his behavior, his attitude that made them "act out". I also had to tell him to lower down his voice because it felt like he was always screaming and mad at me. He told me that was how the way he was and I was being too sensitive.

oscine23 · 2021-01-30T04:20:47+00:00

Ex 1 Inability you emote, didn't ever clean, lack of desire to be best version of himself, didn't workout, poor money management.

Ex 2 (the narc) need for social media attention, the constant 'losing' his phone (don't have lie abt where u are if ur unreachable), gaslighting, negging, triangulation 🤦🏽‍♀️

Hateorade_ · 2021-01-30T04:56:50+00:00

[deleted]

SqueakyLycan · 2021-01-30T03:37:19+00:00

Dirty bachelor mess of a place; constantly using his divorced parents and anxiety as an excuse for his messiness and disorder, and claiming therapy doesn't work, all while saying I should go to sex therapy and also subtly making fun of my anxiety which I actually decided to get help for and manage with therapy; constantly bitching about his dead end job but then never putting any effort into going to trade school or bettering his opportunities; having very few hobbies besides hanging with his chode beta male best friend from high school and drinking/playing video games.

tatipie17 · 2021-01-30T05:13:28+00:00

Low effort. I was 21 he was 27. I was in college at a military academy and never had time to myself to relax. He liked to “chill out” a lot and that was refreshing at first. 3 yrs later I realized whenever I wanted to do something, he’d complain about it. I thought he was just shy/introverted but he was just extremely low effort.

In our final fight he told me he didn’t know how to be a bf and expected me to wait an additional ten yrs before marriage and kids. ✌🏾

biggestsigh · 2021-01-30T05:24:26+00:00

He just decided stuff about me without actually talking to me. Then he would lecture me about said things.

I learned don't date a guy who is judging you and not actually trying to get to know you.

2ndMrsDeWinter · 2021-01-30T07:18:15+00:00

Different Dudes: 1) Being 35 when I was 19. 2) Still being best friends with an ex... when they had been together for TEN YEARS and had only broken up 2 months before we met. 3) Love bombing the HELL out of me - which looked like nice gifts, but was a symptom of the larger issue of him constantly disregarded my boundaries and comfort.

daisy_0720 · 2021-01-30T07:53:13+00:00

Lied by omission about something relatively minor in the early dating stages.

Fast forward a few months and guess who 'failed to mention' he was texting, meeting up with (and probably sleeping with) his ex girlfriend the entire time?

musicallymirrored · 2021-01-30T05:41:03+00:00

He complained about how women were just after men for their resources. Said that women who were mothers, nannies, preschool teachers, doulas etc were wasting their lives and there children were parasites. He stated any woman he slept with would need an abortion if they got pregnant because he wasn’t having kids. He called his ex crazy, his coworkers incompetent, and most people stupid. He also mocked single mothers and mocked me because I took longer to finish college because I was doing it as a young single mom. He also didn’t want to wear wedding bands but was cool with a locking bracelet when we got married. Also, lying to his parents and a serious porn addiction...which I didn’t understand at the time was as damaging as it is. He also talked me out of law school because he convinced me it was more sensible and his career was more important.

He’s not an ex yet but my priest has advised i divorce him due to the abusive dynamic at play in the relationship. He does at least pay for everything and makes good money. He isn’t stingy with it either. My name is on the house, car, and bank accounts. I am working on finishing my grad school degree and getting a job so that I can break out of this cycle. He did get a vasectomy a few months before we got married so I at least don’t have to worry about him baby trapping me when he realizes I want out.

I think I got stars in my eyes because he was so successful in the career realm and had his financials in line. That is shockingly uncommon to find among men under 30 these days. I thought he had to be a good catch to be college educated, successful, finically savvy, no divorces, and from a seemingly good family. I missed a whole lot of stuff along the way and am paying for it now.

MadameAtYourService · 2021-01-30T02:02:58+00:00

He didn’t clean up after himself. He became disabled and he used it as an excuse to do next to nothing. The breaking point was a weekend I spent cleaning while he played with our kid. I decided I wanted to play with our kid too, and I left shortly afterwards.

ApprehensiveGiftBox · 2021-01-30T04:17:56+00:00

Drug use. He convinced me he was a "recovered" addict.

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-01-30T08:36:48+00:00

Lack of interest in sex and intimacy from the get go, said he was shy, he turned out to be pornsick, had loads of weird porn inspired fetishes and lying about his sexuality, probably bisexual, maybe gay or pornsexual and gender issues. Said on first date he didn't watch porn anymore, but was the most pornsick man I've ever met.

Frugal with money and a self professed money didn't matter to him guy, turned out to be a complete lie, money does matter greatly to him, he just wants to keep it all to himself but is happy to take other peoples and can afford to be hobosexual at other people's expense because one day he will inherit a house from his parents, so he's all set up.

Nice shy nerdy guy, turned out to be an act, he's actually spoiled and entitled, tried to persuade me to have sex with strange men and pretended to be me online because it turned him on, no regard for my safety or wellbeing.

Couldn't speak on the phone, had to text. I was married to him. Didn't seem to have a problem talking to friends on the phone though. I hate texting!

Things moved fast and he moved in quick (I was in a bad place at time). He was living with his brother at the time and hated it. When he put photos of us on his Facebook, his ex DM'd him, calling him an insensitive bastard. He said they had separated, but I have a feeling he didn't end things properly/officiall and jumped ship.

Stonewalling and walking out if we had a disagreement, instead of talking it through. Turned out to have poor coping mechanisms and did it to avoid accountability and compromise and to manipulate/gaslight me.

Edit Also would often say he'd forgotten his wallet, most of the time actually, I stupidly believed him. I found out about pua and red pill after leaving him and filing for divorce. I have a strong feeling he was using their tactics. He had bought books about stoicism and how to make money, how to be successful, how to make friends and influence people, a lot of self help books. Now I like stoicism but I think the red pill use it the wrong way and turn it into emotional abuse and manipulation.

Edit 2 And I just wanted to add, I feel like the shit show of a marriage to him, if you can call it that, was a blessing in disguise. Because of that marriage I researched porn addiction, because I wanted to learn more about it, It lead me to find the red pill, pua, all the manosphere stuff and FDS. I have learned so much and come out much stronger and educated about men and the games they play, strategic incompetence etc etc, this has lead to me realising how I have not helped by not valuing myself enough and being too kind, giving and trusting. Well now I really do value myself and my standards shall remain high, I have no desire or incentive to drop them, even if that means being alone, I don't have a problem with that.

dancedance_83 · 2021-01-30T06:14:23+00:00

The fact that he never wanted to take me out on dates, or really leave the house to do anything. Turns out he was turning into a pro eSports player aka addicted to League of Legends
Thought recreational drugs was ok & honestly was pretty manipulative. Dumped him when he made it clear that moving into a house with his drug dealer was “fine” and then manipulated me to stay with him for another month only to dump me back
Possessive/ controlling/manipulative. Turns out he learned the ropes from his abusive mother he was not checking

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-01-30T08:18:15+00:00

Negging. At first I liked it, because I was young, dumb and watched a lot of Korean tv shows. But he wouldn't stop, it was only getting worse. In the end he would call me "stupid" with a huge smile on his face.

catandalady9 · 2021-01-30T05:44:58+00:00

Where do I start? - I planned all the dates and initiated contact until I was exhausted - withheld sex/didn’t want sex during the honeymoon period because he “couldn’t get it up” / high as a kite on anxiety tablets - introduced me to his friends and family but didn’t want to label the relationship - had more female friends than anyone I’ve ever met in my life but couldn’t prioritise a date for his gf 🤡

classic_falafel · 2021-01-30T13:27:22+00:00

All before FDS:
First lied about his age(he was younger), then lied about his apartment (he still lived at home), then lied about his sexual experience(he never had sex before but would brag about his sexual experiences in front of his friends)... Basically the guy I fell for was a made up persona by him.

I should have left after the first lie. I wanted a partner, he just wanted a girlfriend to collect "experience" so he could impress a girl he really wanted to spend his life with. From the beginning I should have known that all he wanted was some "mentor" to show him "how women work".

Oh, and even though I studied the same thing he never missed a chance to show how much smarter he is and tried to make me feel stupid all the time.

Post FDS of course these where all pretty basic red flags. (lying always is)

phb2999 · 2021-01-30T07:07:21+00:00

I was not aware of this until later but apparently when I was the one who connected w him on social media first he thought I was super into him and he was the shit. I was adding the entire group of ppl I met that day cause I just moved to a new country and needed to know people. Dude turned out to have some sort of superiority complex and couldn’t deal that I wasn’t as attached and didnt worship him. Should have left right when I knew what he thought back then.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-01-30T11:51:40+00:00

Preventing me from using the bathroom when I really had to go. I should never have accepted that. Even pre-FDS, if a friend told me of this I would have advised her to break up with such an asshole.

BabyBlankieieieieie · 2021-01-30T07:05:02+00:00

Inability to make plans.

Solid-Liquid · 2021-01-30T13:32:09+00:00

“Bad at texting” - wouldn’t respond to texts for HOURS claiming it was because he’s at work. But then did the same shit on his days off

“Broke” - I was too understanding of his lack of money and he took advantage of that. Did spend a lot of money at the conventions we went to tho

“Sexual talk before we even saw each other” - should have told me everything I needed to know before I even agreed to date him

“Never wanted to do anything that required money” - I’m a gamer and wanted him to come to Pax East with me. Refused constantly, till I bought him a ticket because I really wanted him to go. Made me late to get in because he was “arguing with his dad”.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-01-30T15:56:55+00:00

"I'm an asshole."

"All my exes are crazy."

Told me he has a savior complex and is attracted to crazy women he can save.

(The truth was a little of both. He was attracted to lunatics AND he also drove everyone around him insane. I'd been wondering why he had no friends. Now I know why.)

Told me all of the above but still refused therapy and said he planned to have a nervous breakdown.

Asking me if I'd ever hooked up with someone at a wedding and expressing astonishment that I hadn't. I should've blocked his number right then.

I used to tolerate red flags out of some misguided sense that "nobody's perfect."

Now I understand red flags are the tip of the iceberg and they only get worse.

I no longer question rude behavior or things that don't make sense. Now I just block, don't respond, or immediately disappear.

dovecharm · 2021-01-30T16:15:16+00:00

Incestual fantasies and other sick kinks/fetishes that he coaxed me into trying.

Never made love and he would leave to let me clean myself up.

Wanted to open up our relationship.

Is still in love with his “first love.”

Porn addict.

Obsessed with social media but our relationship was hidden. Followed lots of scrote podcasts, women models and celebrities, and would follow random women he knew from high school that wouldn’t follow him back lol.

Never introduced me to his friends.

Never complimented me.

Couldn’t remember a single thing about me. Never asked any questions about me.

His mother hated me (i wish this was an exaggeration) because I’m not blonde. His mother is blonde. My ex’s “first love” is blonde.

—

I could go on but I don’t know if my heart can take it lol. The worst part is, he left me. Not the other way around. That’s one of the things I regret the most...

randomgirlimok · 2021-01-30T10:20:00+00:00

He got a porn virus on my PC. We were 25 and I had my own house but he still lived with mommy and daddy so he was at my place a lot. While I was at night school and he was hanging at my house, he went on my pc to look at porn and got a virus on it. I got home from school around 10pm and we hung out for a little bit before he left to go back home. The minute he left I hopped on my PC to do homework and discovered porn pop ups that wouldn’t go away. I immediately called him and asked him what he did to my PC and he admitted he looked at porn and knew he got a virus but was too embarrassed to say anything. He said he had actually waited in my driveway before he left watching me in the window to see my reaction. I was mad but thought it was a one-time thing that he was horny and I wasn’t there so he looked at porn. No big deal right?

I married him. He ended up having a hidden porn addiction he was spending money on and lying about where the missing money was going. Then he got ED from his porn use.

complex_answer_22 · 2021-01-30T07:19:04+00:00

Said his divorce was because his ex-wife tried to force him to convert religions. Found out from his mom it's because his mom and ex-wife got in an argument and he took his mom's side. She threatened to leave and he let her. Their daughter was less than 6 months old. Once I heard this story, I started planning my exit. Now I'm extremely wary of divorced men.

JesusisKingisLord · 2021-01-30T04:27:53+00:00

He ran out of money in his bank account and had to borrow money for the rest of the week from his mom.

I was extremely alarmed by his fiscal irresponsibility. He blamed it on being a grad student.

I don't care how little money you make, it is always possible to spend responsibly.

He left me. I am so grateful.

WaitWaitHeart · 2021-01-30T05:10:14+00:00

him writing a check to his parents a few hundred every month to pay back the apartment lease he broke that his ex convinced him to get and that he couldn't afford. He blamed it all on his girlfriend. You can guess how this ended.

northface235 · 2021-01-30T08:02:57+00:00

He works at a famous tech company in Silicon Valley, and we were about to have a 3rd date on a Friday evening. He texted me a picture of the salad bar at his company kitchen (his company offers free lunch) at noon time, saying he’ll get 2 free salads for us to have as dinner.

Starsuponstars · 2021-01-30T20:24:25+00:00

Mama's boy.

They harbor enormous resentment toward their mothers, but they can never confront Mama because she's too powerful. So guess who he'll take his anger out on? YOU!

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2021-01-30T21:14:18+00:00

Weird codependent relationship with his mom and family. Noncommittal behavior even when he was still actively pursuing me. Correcting my thoughts/perceptions instead of taking in interest in why my perspective differed from his.

ashleecakes · 2021-01-30T04:09:35+00:00

Omg too many to count

emadawn · 2021-01-30T06:07:15+00:00

Not having a good relationship with his mother, excessive porn use that I thought I had to be okay with in the spirit of being a "cool girlfriend", the love bombing and childish way he handled disagreements (shitty apologies and avoiding difficult topics"sorry you're upset, let's never talk about that subject again"). I am glad I got out, it went on for too long.

smokeandmirrorsgames · 2021-01-30T11:21:43+00:00

The state of his mom’s house and later his own house when he finally moved out.

2021-01-30T20:13:43+00:00

He was never available to me. If I called I got no answer, he texted back hours later, he was late to everything or never even came. Eventually that snowballed into me constantly keeping tabs on him or else I wouldn't even hear from him for days. That made him think I had to be available to him 24/7. Answer any and every call /text and show up where and when to do anything he said to or I could "find a new boyfriend that will accept a girlfriend that doesn't give a shit about anyone but themself". I found my God damn common sense and gtf.

capricious_robot · 2021-01-30T21:09:15+00:00

He tried to convince me he was 'crazy' kind of used that a as fear tactic, like would tell me that he was so crazy that if I left there was no telling what he would do. I believed him enough to feel trapped for years. Turns out he wasn't crazy, just manipulative and I was a damn fool!

MinoPiano · 2021-01-30T04:30:39+00:00

Watching porn
Avid anime/Naruto viewer
Saying that he would never pay for a girl on a date/ will only take her on super cheap, low-effort dates
Pushing my sexual/physical boundaries gradually
Strangling me in the heat of an intimate moment
Subtle negging

artistnamedj · 2021-01-30T08:02:44+00:00

Laziness during sex Constantly bringing up his ex No solidified plans for life

FriendlyLapras · 2021-01-30T08:35:46+00:00

Small things during sex that I learned later were typical in porn, but because I didn't watch porn I had no idea. Turned out he was a porn addict in therapy (that didn't work at the end, what a surprise).

Risoa · 2021-01-30T18:44:33+00:00

Talking shit about his family, his friends. I shouldn't have been surprised that he would talk about my insecurities that I shared with him in confidence.

There were so many, but I think this is what the breakup boiled down too. No respect, no loyalty, no empathy, no self awareness from him. Makes my skin crawl thinking about it now.

shydugong · 2021-01-30T05:47:52+00:00

Messy apartment, low hygiene standards, untrained (and very nervous) dog and he didn’t even bother to offer help to his parents when we were at their house. He just sat there and expected everything just happen for him. Honestly I don’t understand that it took my YEARS to him. 🙄

masterofthebarkarts · 2021-01-30T15:14:09+00:00

Video gaaammmeesss

Sanne592 · 2021-01-30T21:25:27+00:00

Not taking the initiative. We become official when his mom asked what the status on our relationship was at the EASTER BREAKFAST table. Should’ve not accepted that sh*t. Shouldn’t have slept with him before commitment. Oh hindsight..

We broke up ‘cause of his doubts about our relationship almost 5 YEARS later. What an arse, made me waste 5 years of my precious life on him.

There were plenty of other red flags of course. I am just so, so, só glad to be here and to unlearn that pickme mindset thanks to all you queens here 👑💕

QueensJuju · 2021-01-30T23:41:36+00:00

I'm legit trying to think of subtle ones because I honestly flocked to glaring red flags instead of running from them 🤦‍♀️

-Chronic lateness. Dude was late to our second date and to every single thing after that, to the point where he let down friends and was penalized at work.

-Getting special treatment. Sometimes it's cool that your connection hooks you up with something, or you know about something cool because of a friend. But if you have a group removed from a table so we can sit, or you cut in line by smooth talking, or you hop a barricade in a crowd cuz you know someone - and it's habitual, you have entitlement issues.

-Long, complicated reasons for why something didn't happen or went wrong. "I missed the train" is a normal thing to say. "I hit a parked car then my phone died and I realized I forgot to grab the tickets" - is due to drugs or mental illness, almost always.

-"You're not my usual type" - stfu. You're with me, if I aint what you want then don't be with me, but don't try to neg me into feeling SPESHUL cuz you made an exception for me. Your janky ass love is not extraordinary.

-"I am very smart" = "I am arrogant". "I'm a really nice guy, very sensitive, women tell me this" = "My momma loves me and I'm gonna ask to jerk off on your tits when you turn me down for sex after one date because that's still respecting your no". "I'm dominant" = "I'm going to throw a temper tantrum when you don't allow me to be". "Women are more nurturing than men" = "I am not nurturing and will use my penis as an excuse". In general a declarative statement of character is almost always a warning sign that the opposite is true, people who are themselves don't need to convince you.

-Commenting in any way on the physical appearance of others. These are shallow, catty, self-centered people.

-Friends who exhibit any red flags. You're a reflection of who you spend time with and if he introduces you to rude, backwards weirdos he WILL disappoint you. If he has to preface you meeting someone with a warning or some special info about them, be alert.

Express_Weakness1185 · 2021-01-31T00:56:47+00:00

We didn’t have sex the first month we were together. He was so respectful of me, opened doors for me, took my jacket when I came in the house. Then one night we were fooling around in his bed and out of nowhere he took off my panties and stuck himself inside me and came inside of me. No Condom. Didn’t even ask. I was mortified and left shortly after. I stupidly saw him again.

I planned to bring it up the next time I saw him. He brought it up during a dinner and I was grateful we discussed it. We grew closer and developed a very passionate sex life. Then Months later he started getting FURIOUS at me anytime I didn’t want to have sex. Then he got mad when I didn’t grab his penis when I woke up in the morning. Then he got furious when I asked him NOT to put his hands in me while I was sleeping.

By the end of our relationship we were having sex up to three times a day. Then he broke it up out of the blue because I asked him to help me move some furniture into my house on a Sunday. He said “we were not compatible” and that “I didn’t prioritize his needs”

This is a man who has a job, makes good money, has a good family and presents as charming and courteous. I let all that fool me. What he showed me was he is a monster. He is a sex maniac. And he wanted to make our entire relationship about his insecurities. He wanted to use me to cure his insecurities around sex.

People show you who they are. Never ignore a red flag. Never brush it under the table.

Extreme-Vermicelli · 2021-01-31T12:27:18+00:00

He said his ex wife was crazy, and left him for no reason. Spoiler alert: he was physically abusive, cheated on me for 3 years with another woman and impregnated her, then left me (and her) for someone else. We both became the "crazy" ones too.

Edit: the only thing I berate myself for constantly is that I stayed. I lost myself, I was scared, and I stayed. I have always been an advocate of women walking away from their abusers, but I couldn't do it myself. And it's hard to forgive myself for that

rosemarie2020 · 2021-01-30T02:33:24+00:00

A month into the relationship, we were in the car headed back from a date. My ex was driving with his left hand and holding my hand with his right. At a stop light he seemed to have not noticed it turned green, and there was no one behind us to honk, so I just casually said “oh it’s green.” He squeezed my hand quickly and hard - enough to sting. Alarm bells rang in my head that this guy is quick to anger and would physically abuse me. I brought up my concern and he reassured me that he would never hurt me, it was just a reflex and he meant nothing by it.

A few months down the line he progressively let his mask slip, and he began yelling, insulting, and swearing at me before he turned physical. He even covered my mouth and nose during an argument and got on top of me and threatened to kill me - I thought at that moment I was surely going to die. It took a few months to leave because I was terrified of him. But if I would’ve trusted my glaring alarm bells in the beginning, I could’ve avoided it all.

butterfly105 · 2021-01-30T15:00:18+00:00

He had a daughter but we were young and her mom and his parents did a lot to help... he’d always openly say how he regretted her existence.

MonarchCrew · 2021-01-30T21:44:50+00:00

So many. It was the gradual worsening and the combination that helped me leave. The biggest ones (can’t believe I ignored these! But I was young):

Sulked if I said no to sex
His mother took care of everything for him and never told him “No”
He smoked weed
He was in school for a theater degree (not bad on its own!) with NO career ideas except his local punk band. Even his last year and after graduation he had no ideas and never looked for a job.
Lots and lots of Instagram models
Had a dick measuring contest with my best friend’s boyfriend via mariokart/smash bros, because I agreed the other man was conventionally attractive.
He didn’t like me exercising alone (without him) or with my friends (without him)

FastCardiologist6128 · 2021-01-31T00:26:45+00:00

Fun fact: in personality psychology the H factor stands for honesty-humility. Those two elements are strictly correlated. Liars tend to be more arrogant, therefore more narcissistic. There's even a book about it, it's called the h factor of personality, it's super interesting

MonicaLSolis · 2021-01-31T00:35:16+00:00

Withdrawing affection

nymphaetamine · 2021-01-31T11:14:36+00:00

Not all from one guy, but;

"Friends" with his exes

Close female friends he hung out with alone

Porn with women who looked nothing like me

Connected on social media but nobody could tell unless they went to MY profile and looked at my relationship status cause his was set to private and he never posted me or acknowledged me on there

Parties I was never invited to

Yelling

Small lies (later ballooned into big lies)

Leaving me on read

Blame-shifting & gaslighting whenever I tried to talk about something he did that upset me

lauraaem · 2021-01-30T04:49:07+00:00

Multiple legal issues with his ex’s regarding abuse (his ex stabbed him in the face multiple times with a butter knife) I left him because he hit and choked me. Multiple times. Makes me wonder if that’s why his ex did what she did, I should have known.

agirlwhoknows · 2021-01-30T05:13:50+00:00

He would ring up organic produce as non-organic in the self checkout at the grocery store. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him essentially stealing and it showed a lack of integrity. He said it was okay because it was a big corporation and they could afford it. Guess who became the next “big corporation” in his eyes?

givemepoisonberries · 2021-01-30T09:46:44+00:00

Called me a b**** jokingly. Became calling me much worse, not jokingly.

lifesok · 2021-01-30T22:45:51+00:00

The way he treated his sister. I remember thinking, he will talk to me like that one day... yep.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-02-01T01:13:08+00:00

Small lies. Small lies here and there turned into him becoming comfortable about big lies. Ultimately left because he wouldn’t stop lying.

haunted_vcr · 2021-02-26T21:34:34+00:00

If I had been FDS educated back then, it would have been so obvious:

On our third date, the guy wanted to take me to the opera and a fancy dinner. Sounds good right? Except. At the end of the dinner he asked me to 50/50 the tab since he was so generous with the previous dates and the opera tickets.

I was 22, just got a job, paying off all my debt and whatnot. I refused to put my credit card down and told him that I like to be romanced. Which he did, begrudgingly for our entire relationship. But every time he paid for my dinner or got me a gift, he sniped at me and called me a gold digger. The guy was an engineer, so sure he made decent money, but that's not why I was dating him (I'm an engineer too). I dumb enough to live like this for a year...

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Dingosmom · 2021-01-30T05:28:12+00:00

Wasn’t a grown ass man, finally woke up and realized it.

anahatasanah · 2021-01-30T16:11:49+00:00

Yelling at his mother. Granted, we were only 16. He became verbally, mentally, and physically abusive a year after we were married. Took me a long time to leave, and I'm so glad I did.

oOo_a_Butterfly · 2021-01-30T16:28:11+00:00

He told me on our first date that he was looking for a wealthier older lady to take care of him. I realized later that he wasn’t joking.

jasaminex · 2021-01-31T00:13:02+00:00

Half the time, he was lovely, and then suddenly he would just pick petty fights out of nowhere over literally nothing. Like, it could be over a particular word I used in a message. Forgave it initially because it wasn't over anything serious, and then he did the same thing again a few hours before I had a really important meeting.

He ended up resurfacing to apologise the day after (having totally ignored my very upset messages for 24hrs), not about having been unreasonable but because he'd forgotten I had the meeting then. Next time I saw him, it was honestly like someone had unplugged any attraction I had for him.

Miss_Insher · 2021-02-01T04:31:00+00:00

Started dating a coworker although a few people in a row told me he was a jerk. Then one of my friends told me about his ex girlfriend who also said he was a total a-hole. But I ignored cause “build-a-a tote.” And he told me a sob story, so I thought he’s actually good, and I’ll prove everyone that they mIsUnderStooD. Well, this dude had an audacity to have a bet with one of our female coworkers who would kiss me first before midnight on New Year’s Eve.... bc I told him earlier that my first kiss happened with a girl. I cringe so much when I think of how I reacted (like a “cool girl” and an ultimate pickme, you guessed it). So many 🚩 but this one ☝️ should have been the only one I needed. Forgive yourself and level up 👑

nom-de-plume_12 · 2021-02-03T11:39:12+00:00

Apparently I was such a pick me back then that even if there were signs and they put me off so much I didn’t voice them out because back then we were just friends with benefits. 🤡

My cousin came to visit us from US and I made her meet him(ex). Yo I kid you not he starting being whole lot friendly with her as in dancing around to songs in malls randomly or just generally showing more interest in her than me. Also I remember her telling me we were at bookstore and I was looking for some books In some other aisles while ex and my cousin were actually waiting for me. He told her about his past, his ex and how he does not beg anyone to stay. I found that very odd because Him and I were “friends” anyways so why is he sharing such details with her, a person who he has hardly known for 5 mins. Another Red flag was how he used to call her without me when she returned back to US. There’s considerable time difference so he used to call her around midnight or early morning hours.

Seeing All this I still confessed my feelings for him and when we got into rs and I started talking about the past which bothered me because I never did feel secure. We had a-lot of arguments just because of that and other things like his lack of eagerness to meet me even though we live just 15-20 mins away from each other. He broke up with me towards the end because he thought we were fighting a-lot and I was a source of drama.

I say good riddance!

Title	What Red Flags Have You Ignored That Later Became the Reason You Left
Author	GalsofWisconsin
Upvotes	221
Comments	152
Date	January 30, 2021 1:21 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l8a6tk/what_red_flags_have_you_ignored_that_later_became/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-red-flags-have-you-ignored-that-later-became.744237 https://theredarchive.com/post/744237

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