Saving yourself for marriage - what is your opinion?

AngeCruelle · 2024-05-12T04:44:35+00:00

I'm doing it, so I guess you can say I have a pretty high opinion of it.

My reasons are both religious and practical. I'm not in the right place to take on any of the burdens or responsibilities that come with sex.

wtknight · 2024-05-12T05:02:29+00:00

I never waited until marriage but definitely waited until both myself and the other person felt in love with each other. This usually occurred in a few months - definitely not on the third date.

BeepBeepYeah7789 · 2024-05-12T18:45:34+00:00

I definitely agree with you, OP.

I am a Christian and I think that extramarital sex is sinful.

And I'm not surprised that saving oneself for marriage is seen as weird, whether the person waiting is religious or not.

I've never been married and it's possible I never will get married. If that means no sex, then so be it.

claratheresa · 2024-05-12T06:45:34+00:00

There are tradeoffs to all decisions.

Expensive-Tea455 · 2024-05-12T05:26:39+00:00

Think you're setting yourself up for failure because the extremes of society don't resonate with yiur beliefs. Sex isn't this peak pinnacle bonding experience you think it is. You could very easily find yourself sexually incompatible with someone, but too late, you're married...

Yiu dint have to screw everything that moves, but having someone experience under your belt as to what you really want in a partner is important.

My first time having sex was awkward and disappointing., trust me it's not that serious

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-05-12T14:17:51+00:00

Sex isn’t that serious. It’s kinda silly, if you think about it.

alebruto · 2024-05-12T14:59:19+00:00

It's a pragmatic way to increase your relationship success.

Christians already defended this, and then statistically it was proven that it works.

Dorkology · 2024-05-12T15:31:34+00:00

As soon as I saw the title, I knew you'd have a bunch of naysayers. Your goal is admirable, not idealist.

The positives definitely outweigh the negatives you're going to be given. Also, something to note is the fact that not abstaining has in no way made relationships better. Sexual compatibility is a nebulous concept that people ascribe more value than they should. You can take to Google and find countless people talking about relationships that they realized had no substance once the sex wained. When sex is the driving force of a relationship, you'll quickly find that it's not enough. Either that, or you'll find yourself putting up with crap you shouldn't for far longer than you should have. Situationship, anybody?

Sex IS important. But it also becomes less important as the years go by. The relationships that stand the test of time have substance beyond this.

All this being said, there's nothing magical about waiting. It's really the values that typically lead to abstaining from sex that will carry a marriage. So, if those values aren't shared, abstaining doesn't equal a lasting relationship.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2024-05-12T10:54:48+00:00

I think saving yourself for marriage is a path to failure. A healthy bedroom needs to be established long before you get married. The sensible thing is to be careful and only sleep with people you are in an established relationship with. This way you can be sure that you are compatible. Otherwise you are in for a huge disappointment.

Just my two cents.

Jazzlike_Worth_9908 · 2024-05-12T04:50:12+00:00

My opinion is that mariage is a big deal and id rather check sexual compatibility beforehand

EulenWatcher · 2024-05-12T04:42:25+00:00

That's a matter of a personal choice and it isn't something I would do. Sexual compatibility is important both for a successful LTR and marriage and there are some things that you can't really work around unless you're okay with theoretically sexless marriage. Sure, you can talk and discuss what kind of kinks you are in or what frequency you desire, but a lot of things have to be figured out practically, as a) you might be unaware about them until you actually start having sex and b) you can't figure out physical compatibility without actually having sex. Basically I see no reason to wait till marriage unless you're religious...and I am not.

MikeArrow · 2024-05-12T09:53:08+00:00

My opinion is that it's dumb, and frankly incredibly naïve about how relationships work. People shouldn't view sex as this incredibly big thing, and building it up as such creates some very problematic attitudes around sexual purity that cause undue pressure on people to repress themselves for the sake of some imaginary negative consequence if they don't.

Just be safe, have fun, and don't take it so seriously.

Iamthepyjama · 2024-05-12T09:22:28+00:00

Can't see any good reason for not having sex prior to marriage and loads of negatives to waiting.

Will you expect your future spouse to be a virgin too?

TRTGymBro1 · 2024-05-12T11:37:47+00:00

If I had to do that I would have busted out the rope many years ago.

thedarkracer · 2024-05-12T04:45:08+00:00

I am of the same opinion too. There are people like us but we don't flaunt ourselves in public that much as the ones who don't save themselves for marriage. People on this sub bring up sexual incompatibility which I think can be fixed if you are already emotionally and mentally compatible. I don't know about the west but irl I know plenty who do want to have sex only after marriage.

Lysa_Bell · 2024-05-12T05:57:38+00:00

To each their own. I wasn't willing to wait. I was eager and wanted to explore my sexuality and other people's. I learned a lot from having sex with different people - my likes and dislikes, kinks, how to pay attention to people's reactions and so on. I love sex. So sexual compatibility is incredibly important to me. I got with my partner because of our sexual compatibility. I need that to feel fulfilled in a relationship. You can work through a lot with enthusiasm and communication but I personally think if the sexual chemistry is off - it's unfixable. For me it's a deal breaker like having different opinions on children, money, politics etc. I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with someone that has at best mediocre sex - and especially in hetero relationships I learned that a lot of men don't really care about the experience their partner has. You can't communicate your way out of someone being selfish without setting a boundary - and the boundary has to be results for you. So you either end up divorced or in a dead bedroom.

The amount of people in the dead bedroom sub that say their partner is "perfect in every other way except sex" is very high. And they tend to say that sex is maybe 10% of a relationship but if it's lacking it turns 100% of the relationship off.

This is not to scare anyone or whatever. And obviously everyone has to make their own choices what they do with their body. If I could relive the promiscuous part of my life I would do it the same way. The knowledge and experiences was worth the negative things that happend.

nightsofthesunkissed · 2024-05-12T06:40:43+00:00

Imo couples waiting until they've made a lifelong commitment to each other, before even knowing if they're sexually compatible with each other are taking a big risk. Choosing to miss out on huge puzzle pieces of a person, and of the integrity and workability of your relationship and intimate life after getting married is a gamble. Maybe you'll get lucky with them, (inb4 I did it and my marriage and sex life is great!), but you easily might not.

It screams of religious and sexual puritanism without a much realistic intelligence behind it. It's the misty-eyed idealism of religious virgins with rose-tinted cluelessness about sex. You're choosing to commit to a person for life, whom you don't even fully know. It's a bit like voluntarily extending your status as a minor in a way, with all of the cluelessness about the adult world.

Many people (women especially) feel very different about the person they had sex with for the first time, because the entire experience was nothing like they imagined. They call it "sex life" because the life of this act with another human being is it's own microcosm you're simply not totally privy to until you've had sex.

Tbh I've got more to say on this, but I've got other shit to do rn.

edit - I was way too harsh at first tbh so I toned it down a bit lol

leosandlattes · 2024-05-12T06:32:21+00:00

You should do what you want and what makes you happy. You are being a little idealistic, but there is hope if you look in the right places.

I did not wait—I believe sexual compatibility is important. Not just in what kinds of sexual interests you have, but also in frequency.

Personally I think women who make their men wait are more likely to have high sexual disgust and not be as sexually adventurous (as in not open to trying various sexual activity in the bedroom). And I think a few studies show this as well. But if you are a man who is not that interested in being sexually adventurous or you’re not “kinky,” then it doesn’t matter anyway.

In my opinion your ability to choose your partners and be able to get into a loving LTR vs. a hookup is more important than whether or not you sleep with them early or at all. The context under which you sleep with someone matters more to me than them actually having had sex at all. I also have only had sex with 2 people, both of those men were my boyfriends.

UnhappyInevitable680 · 2024-05-12T09:41:36+00:00

I’m actually atheist and I now believe that it’s the best way to have a successful long term relationship. It’s not about right or wrong for me anymore. It’s about what works. Statistics show it’s the best way to do things. I’m not a virgin and I support a free society but with all the problems we have today with population collapse and nuclear family implosion. At some point we have to prioritize having successful partnerships above everything else. But we chose in the moment appeal to empathy over everything. Impulse Decision has become the norm, and neglect is celebrated. The consequences are slowly creeping up.

Choice-Substance-183 · 2024-05-12T04:56:58+00:00

I encourage having sex with people you love.

And you can love a few people before you marry. Or you love one and marry one.

There's no "right" way. Do whatever works for you and let others do what works for them.

Electric_Death_1349 · 2024-05-12T08:04:45+00:00

Sex is sex - putting it on a pedestal and “saving yourself” for some outdated notion of romance/marriage is going to end in tears, because the only men who will wait until the wedding night for you to put out are either religious nut jobs and/or Red Pillers who want a “trad wife” but won’t apply any of the standards to which they’ll hold you to themselves

bifewova234 · 2024-05-12T09:57:01+00:00

It's a bad idea because you don't get to check for problems in bed before you're married.

Werevulvi · 2024-05-12T12:18:18+00:00

You do you, I suppose. Just don't be surprised if you end up having a lot of issues in your sex life with your future spouse. Because you'll have no idea prior what you like and dislike, how your body works, etc, so there's a huge risk your sexual needs will be incompatible with your partner's.

I never cared for saving myself before marriage, and I've never regretted that I didn't. Because although I made some dumb decision in my teens and 20's, I'm now at a point where I know my body really well, I know what I like sexually and what I don't like, and how to communicate my needs, and I'm sure that's very helpful for me in finding a husband I'm compatible with.

To me, sex is just a body function and a hobby and I don't see it as necessarily anything special. Sure, it can lead to pregnancy, but I must not be very fertile then. I don't see it as such a big deal to enjoy sex for the sake of it just being a nice and fun thing. Of course, people should be respectful of each ither's bodies and practice consent, but that kinda applies to pretty much everything else in life that involves other people. Like for ex if I wanna dance I ask the other person first if they want to, and I'm not gonna do some crazy stunts that could risk their safety. Or if I wanba share a dinner with someone, I'm not gonna force them to eat if they don't want to, or force them to like the same types of foods as I like.

I see sex in pretty much the same way. I don't understand why it should only be for expressing love. That seems very prescriptive, imo. Nothing else we enjoy is held to that same standard, not even marriage itself. (Because in many cultures people marry for other reasons than love, such as financial reasons for ex.)

Although I'm in no way against people wanting to do it only with someone they love, and at this point I kinda don't wanna do it with strangers or friends anymore either. I guess at heart I've always been the romantic type. It's just that I've also always been a very sexual person and haven't wanted to restrict what I can and cannot do just because I have a hard time finding love, if that makes sense? Like I'm in my mid 30's, and I still haven't found love. I've had boyfriends yes, but none of those relationships were true love. They were all either abusive or just unhealthy people to share a life with. But I'd been even more miserable if I had neither love nor sexual pleasures. Of course ideally I'd have both, but "finding love" isn't something we have much control over. But we do have control over if we want sex. Especially masturbation. Most people can do that whenever they feel like it.

guppyhunter7777 · 2024-05-12T14:15:23+00:00

As some one that is married for over 20 years and did the same thing, don't. Understand your sexual appetite and you spouse understanding theirs is really a big issue. We went in blind because of religion, and it by far is the biggest form of friction in our marriage. Literally I have no idea where the "people fight over money" came from but every other argument is over sex. Not knowing what she liked. Not knowing what excites her. Her being attracted to women (giant issue of denial for her). There are a lot of ways that we need each other and untying relationship knots around sex once sides have been taken takes for ever. knowing things about your sexual preferences and them knowing theirs is a considerably better place to start the relationship. Not saying go nuts. but having some understanding of yourself on the issue is a good thing.

GojosLowerHalf3 · 2024-05-12T05:15:34+00:00

I disagree but it's your body and you should do what you want.

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MistyMaisel · 2024-05-12T05:38:31+00:00

I didn't do it, but, also, I've only had sex with one man and unless things go horribly wrong, we are going to end up married.

Look, if that's what you want and what is meaningful to you and how you feel safe and honored. Good. Go for it.

Is it probably gonna be tough to find someone non religious who holds those particular standards? Yes. Especially the older you get.

But, also, I'm not sure why marriage is the evidence of two people loving each other and not having little regard for one and other. If that's your true aim, then I would just counsel you that I've seen people in relationships and married who I wouldn't say have strong regard for each other or respect. So you may want to narrow down and zero in on how you know this correct tier of love has been reached. And you may want to be open to it happening sooner than marriage.

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-05-12T07:03:47+00:00

Well... whatever way you attempt to live your life the chances are fairly good you wish you'd tried a different way. That's just humans.

Try to do it the way you want to do it. If you do it your own way and succeed the success is all yours. If you do it your own way and fail then we don't have you on our doorstep berating us for having steered you wrong.

2024-05-12T08:10:40+00:00

I think it’s a practical decision. That’s the reason I made that decision at least. If I’m going to bare myself and be in the most vulnerable state I could be in, it has to be with the most special person to me. I can’t see myself having sex in other situation.

gregdaweson7 · 2024-05-12T11:54:11+00:00

Am also not religious, am also doing the same.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-05-12T13:17:45+00:00

I did not wait for marriage but I did wait to be in love. I believe physical intimacy is the closest you can be to another person so I only wanted to go forward with someone I loved and who I was building a life with.

purplish_possum · 2024-05-12T17:02:27+00:00

None of this makes any sense.

Expensive-Tea455 · 2024-05-12T17:16:00+00:00

To each their own, I personally would not wait for marriage because I just don’t think it’s a good idea to wait until you’re married to now discover that you’re actually not as sexually compatible as you thought you were, but that’s just me… I want to make sure me and my partner are on the same page about sex before marriage comes into play

Hibernia86 · 2024-05-13T03:00:46+00:00

I think people should do what they want and stop judging people who make a different choice.

Planthoe30 · 2024-05-12T04:53:54+00:00

Your first time will be the most intense bonding experience of your life and I think it is wise to wait for marriage. Sexual compatibility is important but this can be achieved with communication and through research. Sexual compatibility is possible in any relationship so there isn’t a need to have more than one partner. I did not wait for marriage but there is nothing I learned from my previous partners that lead to me having a good sex life with my husband. If your partner is the kind to prioritize your happiness in and is mentally stable then your sexual relationship will eventually grow to become satisfactory. I do regret not sharing that experience with my husband and I would not recommend what I did which was waiting for exclusivity only.

FineDevelopment00 · 2024-05-12T05:37:53+00:00

I want to save myself for marriage.
Am I being too idealistic?

No, you're being based!

Is there any hope for me?

Yes.

I do not think that many share the same opinion as me.

That does not make your viewpoint any less based. I'm sure the experiences of those over at r/retroactivejealousy can tell you all about the practical reasons why waiting until marriage is the right thing to do.

ErrorMacrotheII · 2024-05-12T10:59:22+00:00

Well I would never marry a woman that I never had sex with. Simply for the fact that sex has and always will have an important place in relationships and I don't want to end up with a dead bedroom.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2024-05-12T11:41:56+00:00

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C46lAAcrfnb/

I am waiting until marriage. But this is how men view women who aren’t virgins who have converted to Christianity. READ THE COMMENTS SECTION. This is how some CHRISTIAN men who view women who converted. It’s a foul and disgusting point of view, and I now don’t respect most of my fellow Christian men because of it. I now tell everyone I am not a virgin because I want to filter out these kinds of men.

RubyDiscus · 2024-05-12T12:13:25+00:00

My thoughts is you can love someone without being married to them.

It's actually better to have sex before you are married so you know you are sexually compatible.

Get_Cheersed · 2024-05-12T05:21:00+00:00

My wife and I waited ( ie we ate both religious). We met in uni and dated almost 7 years before getting married.

It was VERY difficult, but we stuck to the task. Now that we married, I can confidently say it was the best decision we made for our relationship.

Instead of taking the easy way out (sex), we learnt how to communicate respectfully and appropriately during disagreements, and we learnt to figure problems out all the way through instead of a quick method of making up.

Sex creates marriage level problems without marriage level commitments.

Last one I'll mention is that out respect for one another, our bodies and our marriage, is absolutely through the roof. Because we endured together, getting to explore that side of our relationship AFTER building the right foundations has been so rewarding.

Keep going, and do not let society tell you that waiting is wrong / weird. It is a beautiful experience and one I will never regret.

nnuunn · 2024-05-12T06:11:18+00:00

I am, but I'm doing it for religious reasons, I can't imagine there's a whole lot of people that are waiting and are not religious, so you might have a hard time finding someone.

Remarkable_Rough_89 · 2024-05-12T07:29:51+00:00

You should do it,people regard it as a child’s play thing now, but they don’t realize they are destroying themselves and society as a whole

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-05-12T09:52:22+00:00

It's dumb. No half-decent man will tolerate sexless relationships in the first place. You won't have any idea what you actually want until is too late. And you might find yourself with somebody who isn't really compatible with you.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2024-05-12T12:31:10+00:00

Sex is a physical act, we ascribe too much emotion to it.

drafter67756 · 2024-05-12T13:19:26+00:00

I waited until I was 26 and married for sex. Definitely recommend it and would do again. My wife did not and she has sexual baggage as a result. She says she wishes she had waited.

esdebah · 2024-05-12T13:51:51+00:00

Personal choice, but I think you're insane. Experience things before you marry, if nothing else: with the person you intend marry. Live together. Travel together. You think you're just going to have innate understanding of how to do these things with another person? You think you can go on the advice of others? Woof! Sex is only ONE of the most intimate things you will share with your spouse. Take a non-sexy shower together. Cook a meal together and do the dishes. I want to stop myself from saying that sex is put on a pedestal, but it totally is. Sex WILL NOT start as something transcendental. It will get there through practice. You want to do that with one person, that's your business.

kongeriket · 2024-05-12T05:05:32+00:00

Am I being too idealistic? Is there any hope for me?

Yes. And yes.

It's okay to be idealistic. Some people get it right by following a specific ideal. Others don't.

The bitter (dare I say red?) pill to swallow is that there is no "right" way. You can easily find examples in all directions. And that's mostly because people are very different.

You do you. But don't be surprised if you encounter quite a few who disagree. They have a right to disagree and not join your ideal as well.

claratheresa · 2024-05-12T06:48:44+00:00

I believe that if this is a firmly held conviction for you, you should stick to it and the right woman for you will share your values. The wrong woman will not.

Wattehfok · 2024-05-12T07:51:19+00:00

Couldn’t be me, but whatever floats your boat.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-05-12T09:34:59+00:00

If that's what you believe, isn't marriage quite an arbitrary cutoff? What about the point when both of you decide you love each other and are comfortable doing it? It's not like your two options are waiting for marriage or hooking up, there is an in between.

Doctor99268 · 2024-05-12T10:58:50+00:00

Fine if both people are virgins (or at the very least the non virgin was because they were married). But low-key cuckoldry if it's just you who is saving yourself and the other person doesn't.

f1resnakes · 2024-05-12T12:24:27+00:00

A traditional marriage is glorified trafficking. If you decide to save it then the person that gets you will be pleased with you

/s

shadowrangerfs · 2024-05-12T12:45:02+00:00

Nothing wrong with it. If you are a woman, it will make you more appealing to some men. If you are a man, it will be a deal breaker for some women. But there will be people who are fine with it.

As for my opinion, I think there are pros and cons to waiting just like there are pros and cons to not waiting. You gotta do what works for you and understand that it will be a huge positive for some people and a huge negative for others.

Mr__Citizen · 2024-05-12T13:42:58+00:00

I think it's a wonderful idea. But practically speaking, it seems like a much better plan to actually make sure you and your partner are sexually compatible before getting married.

SoldierExcelsior · 2024-05-12T16:07:05+00:00

I don't put much weight into sex I don't think it's some magical mystical thing it's just a biological response no diffrent than an itch...or hunger...

I will say imo sex can be a lot of work and cause a lot of problems and isn't worth it but unfortunately we are driven to do it as living beings especially in our youth..Humanity most life would never exist or have gone extinct long ago if sex wasn't such a powerful urge...

With that said people should do what works for them..I don't believe in marriage I think itscan outdated archaic custom but the institution still has some practically advantages in modern times.

Secondly I couldn't be with just one person,not going to happen.way to many women on the planet to settle for just one..

Last if you marry someone your not sexually compatible with its going to be a disaster also depending on your age group and demographic there's a good chance you won't even get married marriage is down across the board world wide...

If you're a young woman you're competing with all the other young women for an ever decreasing pool of suitable men as more and more men check out...this generation of men have grown up with over a decade of redpill knowledge good luck convincing them to settle down with a western woman and capitualting to all her demands while meeting her standards

If you're a young man how are you going yo convince a woman to marry you when she's got 10k DMs of guys offering to fly her out and is making more in a month at 20 than you make in a year.Women like Daniel Brigolli aka Bhad Bhabie or Sexy Redd are earning more in their teens and 20s for being degenerates than doctors and engineers after a lifetime of work but these women are this generations roll models..

Time will tell how it all plays out but I don't see a reason to wait unless you want to wait I also don't see a reason to have sex unless you want to have sex you don't gain or loose anything one way or the other.

One caveat is for women their virginity is prized to some extent and some even sell it for substantial amounts personally I would do that beside worrying about waiting till marriage

Ultramega39 · 2024-05-12T16:46:47+00:00

I've been thinking of doing that, especially considering that I am a asexual man.

Also I don't understand the comments taking about sexual compatibility, shouldn't that be something that you discuss with your partner before having sex so that you know they might possibly feel comfortable doing.

Hot-Law2682 · 2024-05-12T17:11:36+00:00

I can understand only wanting sex with someone who loves you but why is marriage necessary?

Do you think people can only be in love if they are married?

VWGUYWV · 2024-05-12T17:26:07+00:00

Most people that share this view now are pretty strongly religious.

I am in a weird spot where I'm an atheist (and male) and I don't like being serious with women that are overly promiscuous and participate in continual hookups, flings, and FWBs in between relationships. It is almost impossible to find a secular or atheist or agnostic woman in today's culture that doesn't have an extremely high body count.

I just don't follow branding or narratives. I view each issue separately and hardly ever agree with ideologies as a package. Most people aren't like that. And it is more "so, God isn't there to care who I bang? okay, I'm going to do whatever feels good and helps me emotionally in the moment then." Sex is either holy or a recreational activity akin to a wet handshake is a false dichotomy.

nytnaltx · 2024-05-12T19:55:19+00:00

Encouraged to see your perspective and completely agree. Some may look down on me because I’m 31 and still saving myself, but I’m proud of sticking to my values and want that to be something special only for the man I marry.

So much trouble comes from premarital sex. If people avoided premarital sex completely, married carefully, and avoided divorce, we would live in an entirely different type of society. Which is why I’m okay with stigmatizing these negative behaviors - they have a harmful effect on society and future generations. Unfortunately, we live in a society where people prioritize their own freedoms and liberties to behave irresponsibly over the well being of those impacted by their actions.

I will never stop speaking up on this topic. If anyone is interested in a mind blowing deep dive on this subject, I recommend you to the work of J.D. Unwin which you can read about in this blog post: https://www.kirkdurston.com/blog/unwin?format=amp

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-05-12T20:22:01+00:00

How about waiting until you’re in a relationship or at least know you like someone? That’s pretty much always how I did it. Of course there’s nothing wrong with waiting for marriage if that’s what you want, but imo it’s a little risky, and there’s a lot of room between jumping in bed with strangers and waiting for marriage. Some sexual compatibility issues can be worked out, but sometimes they can’t, I’m talking like if one person has a high sex drive and the other turns out to be borderline asexual. And this happens more often than you might think, because sometimes people who wait never were really interested in sex or have hangups about it.

TallFoundation7635 · 2024-05-12T20:32:15+00:00

There is hope for you, young men are waking up nowadays and more and more of them are choosing women with low body counts or none.

Exotic-One3381 · 2024-05-12T23:20:27+00:00

depends. if you are in a country like America or Europe or Australia then most likely this will not go well. if you are a man, the woman will be creeped out or think you have something wrong like weenie doesn't work. if you are a woman, most men will date you for a while to see if it's true, they will continue dating you but won't say the magic words that it's exclusive. because they will carryon banging behind your back with other broads. while putting pressure on you and saying "it's been 6 months". when you finally do the deed he may decide he's got it and wants to go back to the other side chick and tells you "we never said it was exclusive". or, you carry on waiting and he decides to go exclusively with the other hoe he is banging on the side.

I guess it may work if you are in a very religious country or maybe India or something. or if you are datinf in the church.or amish. or maybe if you're under 25. but beyond that pretty much no one will wait that long. why would they when they can bang much hotter people without marrying them?

astraldefiance · 2024-05-13T01:54:03+00:00

What does love have to do with marriage? 🤔

Sandjota · 2024-05-13T03:51:19+00:00

You are being very reasonable with your approach to sex and relationships.

The problem is, if you are a guy, you are mostly penalized for taking this approach. Especially after the age of 21-22, when other like minded people of similar approach have found someone and on their path to marriage. At this point, most of the remaining single women on the market don't value purity. In fact the purity becomes an hindrance to meet and interact with the opposite sex. Women at this point begin to value exoerience, confidence (gained from being experienced).

On the other hand. If you are a woman, good for you. Hold strong to your approach. The right type of man, who values you, wil patiently wait fot you. Don't settle for less.

just_a_place · 2024-05-13T05:39:13+00:00

Marriage should be fucking abolished! That's what I think, putting it mildly.

And no, you don't stand a chance. You are beyond idealistic, you are delusional.

daddysgotanew · 2024-05-13T13:47:34+00:00

People are free to do what they want, but I imagine those that agree to those terms will be very odd and or maladjusted. That’s just one part of it.

What if he takes his pants off on the wedding night and has a pinky finger for a dick? What if he’s a 1.5 pump chump? What if her pussy smells like rotten garbage?

Sex ain’t that serious. Might as well just do it

2024-05-13T15:29:47+00:00

I didnt save myself for marriage but I did marry the first man I slept with.

It was a terrible mistake.

But to each their own.

Lilrip1998 · 2024-05-13T16:52:14+00:00

Fringe perspective but figured I'd share anyway I grew up in purity culture with the intention of waiting til marriage and was raped before I could get there.

In general pedestalizing virginity is a bad idea. Communities that push this tend to put the weight of "waiting" on women when men are significantly more likely to initiate sex than women are. And the way women are treated within these communities if they don't wait is worse than the way men are treated. Because of this women sexually abused within these communities are incentivized not to come forward for fear of being socially ostracized, because of a lot of the "don't cause your brother to stumble with immodesty" rhetoric that's prevalent in these communities many women feel like the assault is partially their fault (this happened to me and I had to go to therapy for years to process and get past what had actually happened). The amount of time and the amount of trauma this event heaped on me was compounded by this promise I'd made to God to "save it", had I had a more neutral view of sexual activity before marriage I probably wouldn't have been in therapy for years and wouldn't have religious trauma now (I might still be Christian lmao).

The few women that do make it to the altar will sometimes express feelings of remorse after losing their virginity because they've made "virgin" part of their identity and losing it can feel like a moral failing for some even if they did everything they were supposed to. It's also just fair to keep in mind that all of the commands to abstain from sex (atleast in Abrahamic religions) came from a time where men could have multiple wives/ the marriage covenant looked drastically different than it does now. The historical context of the majority of "abstinence only" policies are about control not morality and come from societies where women had no political, economic or social power.

Some of the people I know who waited are still married (they've only been together for like 3 years though) however the ones from my parents generation who waited are either divorced now, or one of them had an affair and they went to counseling/are staying together for the kids they're miserable to be around though because you can feel their disdain for one another (sorry but it's palpable).

You do you. I'd really encourage learning as much as you can about sex and consent while you wait for your married partner and try not to make this decision based on religious beliefs but rather personal ones. Be abstinent without being ignorant, otherwise you could get yourself in a tricky situation

Aluhell · 2024-05-13T17:22:53+00:00

I totally agree with you 💯

Efficient_Aside_2736 · 2024-05-14T04:03:14+00:00

I don’t really care if someone decides to save themselves for marriage, that’s a choice they’re entitled to make for themselves. I am a virgin at 21 myself, not for religious reasons and I’m not necessarily against premarital sex, I just think having sex as a woman comes with too much risks and too little benefits, especially when I can satisfy my needs with toys.

2024-05-14T22:53:36+00:00

I am religious but I still have reasons outside of it to want to save myself for marriage and reasons I think it’s more beneficial to do so. Overall though, I just want to make sure it’s gonna be with someone I genuinely cherish (I.e.: the person I’d marry), instead of someone I’m probably not gonna be with anymore in whatever short timeframe for whatever reason.

David-Metty · 2024-05-15T12:40:53+00:00

You get better outcomes when both wait.

Killthefight69 · 2024-05-19T02:19:57+00:00

Depends on your age. A 30+ year old virgin women not a good sign.

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Gitsumrestmf · 2024-05-12T04:48:51+00:00

I believe that if a man wants to bed a woman, he must be able and willing to take responsibility.

For a woman, every time she has sex is a risk. No contraception method is 100%. While young lads in modern day don't even CONSIDER that this is how children are made. Not to mention that contraception is immoral to begin with, and it only encourages promiscuity, cheating, broken families.

Hot_Lack_4868 · 2024-05-12T04:46:23+00:00

If you are a man then no .Most women by your age would have lots of experience .It would be hard to find a inexperienced women like yourself and a relationship between inexperienced man and experienced women are some of the worst relationship that can happen.Women in general don't want to teach anything to men and desire experienced men. So it will cause problems for you in finding a partner later

Schmurby · 2024-05-12T04:57:23+00:00

I respect the decision anyone who chooses to abstain from sex until marriage but I also imagine that anyone who does so is going to think, “is that it?!” when they do finally have sex.

Personally I think it’s better to practice before committing.

KurlyKayla · 2024-05-12T05:23:28+00:00

do what you want as long as you're not hurting others.

thelajestic · 2024-05-12T09:33:05+00:00

When I was a teen my mum gave me some life advice: never marry someone you haven't had sex with in case they're terrible in bed. Even if I hadn't been given that advice I wouldn't have waited until marriage - I really didn't see the point. Sex is sex, it's natural to want sex, and stupid to get married young. I'd have had no interest in waiting potentially a decade or more after sexual maturity to actually have sex.

I think intercourse is a thing reserved for two people who love each other

This doesn't necessarily mean waiting for marriage though. You can love more than one person in your lifetime. When I was 17 I loved my boyfriend, but I was never under the illusion that I would marry him. And we had excellent and very enjoyable sex that I would never have got to experience had I held off until marriage.

That said, I also don't believe sex needs to be reserved for love. I've enjoyed many hook ups in my time. Sex is a fun activity and can be enjoyed with many different people 🤷

lvoncreek · 2024-05-12T08:56:19+00:00

Extremely outdated way of thinking.

babazuki · 2024-05-12T06:52:25+00:00

Tons of people think this way some point before they lose their virginity. I think almost all girls think like this until their first boyfriend leaves them or their damaged friends get in their ear and tell them it's impossible.

We live in a corrupted society.

Try some non-western culture where people respect their families and aren't out being "sexually-liberated".

Dankutoo · 2024-05-12T07:36:05+00:00

You’re a child, OP. You’ll grow out of it.

AFthrowaway3000 · 2024-05-12T15:07:39+00:00

I'm sure I'll get downvoted to hell for this, but anyone that doesn't test drive a car before they buy it is an idiot.

But you do you, I guess.

Gary_Longbottom · 2024-05-12T05:15:25+00:00

I have a good friend who's Catholic and we've joked that there should be a trial weekend before marriage to ensure sexual compatibility.

FreitasAlan · 2024-05-12T05:54:01+00:00

Great idea but sounds technically difficult if you don’t have a social circle of people who think similarly, and that seems hard to achieve outside church. It’s quite hard even in church actually. Maybe I’m wrong. I’d like to be.

The second best option is to look for people who don’t have casual sex: the internet makes it seem like this group is much smaller than it actually is. You can see that from those statistics on body count etc. the problem here is I suspect there’s also a good intersection between religious people and people who are not into hookup culture. So once again, it’s hard to find these people outside church (even the second option) because many people were born again and you won’t know right away. You’re limiting your options significantly outside church. Probably 90% of the candidates.

One tip I heard once to meet people who are not into hookup culture etc (I don’t if it really works) and are also not into church is to go to places where a person who went to a night club the day before wouldn’t be. For instance, a place where people exercise Saturday or Sunday morning. Again, you might have to filter religious people if you don’t like. There’s also people who just changed their mind about it or people who happen to be exercising that day only.

Doing it in a secular way is quite hard because if the body is only a material thing, it’s much harder to make a convincing case for saving yourself if “yourself” are not that special. It’s not impossible to make the case though. Some countries have done it and you can also read “Sexual Desire” by Roger Scruton. You can also read the theology of the body even if you’re not religious. There might be useful insights in there.

Another problem you have to consider when looking for people outside church is that sometimes they might not be saving themselves as a virtue. In church, chastity means saving yourself but not only that. It also means after marriage you want to have as much sex as possible with as much quality as possible. In the secular world, it might be possible that someone is not actually saving themselves but are just assexual or negative about sex. You’ll also have to filter these candidates because these people are not really saving themselves and this makes a terrible marriage unless you’re on the same page.

The motivation for not having sex is the only thing you need to talk about and discuss honestly before marriage. Don’t worry about the sex “compatibility” thing (whatever that means). You’re looking for a wife. Not for an acrobat. And people having too much casual sex are usually worse at sex because they have to get used to having casual sex, which is not like the other kind of sex. They get used to distant sex to look cool, avoid making a fool of themselves, not being too open to a stranger, and avoid some diseases (for instance, consider there’s no real protection for oral sex and many people need oral sex to orgasm - it’s a choice between diseases and orgasms). They usually take these behaviors to their LTRs and many end up having this cold and distant sex forever because they’re not used to being able to open up for things.

Freethinker312 · 2024-05-12T08:46:24+00:00

I am not religious, mind you, but I want to save myself for marriage. I think intercourse is a thing reserved for two people who love each other, it should not be committed with little regard towards the other person, like some who hook up.

I completely agree with you, and that is not just due to my religion. We don't need a religion to justify this view on intercourse.

Am I being too idealistic? Is there any hope for me?

Maybe idealistic, but not too idealistic. It's good to have certain ideals and to not give them up. There is hope, as there still exist (religious and non-religious) women who have the same mindset as you when it comes to intercourse. Even though it might be difficult and take time to find a compatible woman, I would encourage you to not lose hope and to not give up your ideals. If everyone would give up this ideal because others also do, the sad current situation of society will never improve.

Contrapuntobrowniano · 2024-05-12T13:47:52+00:00

Woah. This has been a surprise... The amount of people in this sub thinking about saving for marriage is stupid. We should record this out in the demographics, because having a sub about sexuality plagued with people that have never had sex in life is a little like having a scientific community of people who don't know how to add numbers: sex is basic knowledge in life, like talking or calligraphy, just gotten later on, like financial stability or job experience. I trust this section of the comment will be taken in account by mods for future statistics.

And now, my take on this:

We live in a hypersexual (a.k.a "phalocentric") society, and this comes with its own set of problems, HOWEVER, the sexuality issue really comes before the concept of society (this is pretty much obvious: humans are not the only species that reproduce sexually, and thinking sexuality comes from societal relations is a totally idiotic and unbased take on what the universe even is). The first thing to notice is that marriage is a concept that its not necessary to sex. The evidence is plenty, so I won't expand on this. The second thing to notice is that sex is something you "get to experience", like drinking wine, having a friendship, finding love, gazing at the stars, or eating pizza (you can ask to anyone that had sex at least once in its life)... so, my questions to OP, and to whoever reads this that happens to think like this is: what reasons are there to reserve yourself to eat pizza? When do you think its the right time in life to gaze at stars? If you're an adult and will eventually try wine, why is shouldn't you try it now? What are the conditions one must gather to have friends? How many opportunities for love should we reject before experiencing it? If any of these questions seems stupid is because they all are. These are carefully designed to tackle some experience-related issues by reductio at absurdum. Finding one question stupid an another not is a sign of lack of experience in so much more: this attitude towards experiences is basic for human life, like counting, or speaking. It is, indeed, the way our brain is wired: do a thing repeated times, and you'll get better at it (wether it is a good or a bad thing, our brain will just record and optimize the experience). Marriage is also an experience, but most importantly, sex is. Experiences should not be withholded, the same way you don't withhold education... In fact withholding an experience is kind of delaying education. Experiences should only be constrained by objective, real-time conditions; like legality, cause and effect, ethics, or inadequate psychophysical states. If you think premarital sex is "unethical", you might have a more solid case (like, more solid than gas), but most other reasons are misconceptions stemming, precisely, from not having had sex, and soapboxing an opinion about something you have absolutely no experience to begin with. Yes, sex within marriage is great, but sex outside marriage is too, kind of how pizza its nice in both statuses. More importantly, seeing sex in marriage as a "sublime experience" is the same phenomenon as seeing "pizza with pineapple" to be a sublime experience: yes, pizza with pineapple is something you need to experience, but if there's no pineapple present... should you abandon the pizza experience, instead of ordering pepperoni? As with pizza, marriage with sex is just a matter of preference, and no experience is better than the other. They're just "flavors" for the same thing: sex. This last point takes us to the first issue i discussed in this section: the hypersexualisation of society. I'll be purposely brief, assertive, and vague, because this comment is long enough now; quoting:

Hypersexualization, or the sexualization of public space, involves the attribution by the media of a sexual character to a product or behaviour that has nothing intrinsically sexual about it. Hypersexualization can be seen in magazines, videos, films, the fashion industry and particularly in advertising.

We are constantly bombarded with sex, from every conceivable direction. This makes us believe that sex is a much more greater deal than it is (in fact, the hypersexual tendency amounts to the late civilizations of the antiquity), which in turn makes our society biased, and amounts for a lot of toxic behaviours that are bringing society to the edge of collapse... hypersexuality is BAD. Marriage (and most religious stances on the topic) is like the topmost level of hypersexualisation, where you are bombarded with the false idea of your "soul", this is, the single most abstract part of yourself, being intrinsically connected to sex, or your sexual behaviour, bit it is not. Sex its just something people do, and nowadays the risks involving it (the "cause-effect" factor) are minimal. You don't have to make a whole f*cking theory and morality rulebook to sex, just as you don't have to for eating pizza... Just eat the damn thing, and cope with the shit that comes out of it.

Title	Saving yourself for marriage - what is your opinion?
Author	yaayaa1230
Upvotes	36
Comments	337
Date	May 12, 2024 4:37 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1cpzs7r/saving_yourself_for_marriage_what_is_your_opinion/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/saving-yourself-for-marriage-what-is-your-opinion.1518313 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518313

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