Why do divorced men seem to struggle so much even when financials are not an issue?

PurplePillDebate-ModTeam · 2024-11-13T13:57:53+00:00

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Ineedtogetthisout97 · 2024-11-12T19:28:27+00:00

I don’t think men generally have strong support systems. I also think it can be hard to maintain support systems in a bad or failing marriage.

mobjack · 2024-11-12T18:51:59+00:00

Women are better at developing and maintaining support networks than men.

Married men rely more on their wives for this support.

DumbWordsmith · 2024-11-12T19:49:22+00:00

The average divorced dude doesn't become a drug dealer, so we can start there. None of us can explain why your father chose the path that he did.

Aren't divorced men a bit more likely to remarry than divorced women?

Also, single men tend to take more risks, and fat/sick/handicapped/broke men (who tend to have a lower quality of life and receive little support) are unattractive to women, so it shouldn't be surprising that unmarried men live shorter lives on average.

Raii-v2 · 2024-11-12T19:50:42+00:00

He became fat. He got arrested for selling cannabis. And now he’s showing signs of dementia. Before someone says that my mom stole his money, no, my father didn’t pay shit. He barely paid 200 dollars a month for two kids. It was my mother and stepfather that provided for us.

Ok, cold judgement from an internet stranger…

Maybe your dad wasn’t all that BEFORE he met your mom, and when she divorced him, he reverted to his original state.

Now, onto your original question. Coming from a divorced dude..

I brought hard into the concept of “the one” not “the many”. So after enough girlfriends I had decided I had found the one that I wanted to keep forever. Relationship ending reasons aside, I now feel like I’ve completed that particular side quest. “I already picked her and it didn’t work out”.

To try and pick another wife I feel would undermine the way I felt about picking the first one. That’s not to say I’m struggling with my mental health (in a serious way) now, but it definitely plays a role in how I approach commitment.

Others have noted lack of purpose, which I guess is still true in my example. Sure, I still have my career and financial goals, but now that I’ve been wiped emotionally, I don’t know that I have, or will have, emotional goals of that magnitude again.

Clementinequeen95 · 2024-11-12T18:51:32+00:00

I think some men truly underestimate just how much their wives or girlfriends do for them. Once it ends and the wake up call hits, they’re stunned.

HaymakerGirl2025 · 2024-11-12T21:09:07+00:00

Yup. My Ex dumped me when we were both 59. He thought it was going to be hot women all the time and a rich social life. Turns out it was me that had all that. He is now struggling, because he wasn’t ready for reality.

mashedturnip · 2024-11-12T19:20:55+00:00

Men marry more often and sooner after divorce

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/

southwestheat · 2024-11-12T19:05:58+00:00

Most men have a difficult time dating and finding "the one". To be fair, women do too. But women are approached infinitely more than men are, so women have an easier time dating (whether divorced or not).

The analogy I like to use is the salmon expending every ounce of their energy to swim upstream to mate. It's gruelling for them to do this, but they do anyway.

Same with many men. After having been that salmon once (first marriage), the idea of starting all over again, chasing again, etc., it sounds horrible. Young men barely have the emotional energy to be the salmon when they're younger. Fast forward a couple of decades, and that energy is gone.

Also, the older the divorcee, the worse their options are in the dating pool. You're "what's left", and your options are also "what's left". So now the middle aged or older guy gets to play the demeaning role of the chaser salmon for women he's only marginally (if at all) attracted to.

It's not worth it for many/most.

ACE_Overlord · 2024-11-12T19:30:06+00:00

The older Boomer generation were groomed to be workhorses. They forsake friendships, hobbies, beauty/fitness or other interest for the sake of providing for their families at all cost. They even lack alot of basic homemaking skills that young men basically werent taught to young men back then.

Welcome the new generations of men:

Gen X (me) Gen Y Zoomers Millenials

We have interests & hobbies that extend beyond family & a spouse and have been taught to be completely self-sufficient without a woman. Our social circles can extend to online gaming friends. Boomers have no such interests. They just waste away.

Heck it's almost getting to the point where we dont care about sex so much.

toasterchild · 2024-11-12T18:46:52+00:00

Seems like a lot of men have been raised or molded by society to belive their value is directly related to whether or not they have a woman.

It used to be like this for women but they spent 50 plus years teaching each other that life is more fulfilling when you drop that mindset. .

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-11-12T19:44:42+00:00

Some guys don’t actually ever get over the divorce. It’s like a breakup they never get past

My bro joined a “divorced dads” group when he first separated but after a bit he was like “the dudes there are still pissed at there’s and blaming her for everything, even tho some have been divorced for years!” So he stopped going.

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2024-11-12T19:17:55+00:00

Divorce is usually for the benefit of the person who initiates it.

Women are usually the one's initiating the divorce.

So it follows that men are usually the ones being divorced, which is not in their benefit. Hence why they (usually) struggle.

The person who got out of the shitty marriage, regardless of their sex, is going to be thriving compared to their ex who wanted to keep it.

Combatenjoyer23 · 2024-11-12T18:49:22+00:00

I've always found this to be a curious topic. There's this whole narrative about "marriage actually benefits men much more than it does women! Unmarried men are depressed while the women are thriving!" If this is really the case, then shouldn't women be lukewarm at the prospect of getting married and instead embrace being long term gf's without ever expecting to be proposed to?

But that doesn't seem to be the general attitude towards it. All the time you see situations where the woman becomes resentful at her bf of x years for not proposing and then her resentment is widely validated by other women.

So what's the catch here? Could it be that women are just subconsciously trying to influence men to think that marriage is actually some great thing for them, when it's actually them who really want it? Given the high rates of divorce and the hell that is divorce court for men, it doesn't seem so appealing personally.

Doctor-nuts · 2024-11-12T23:01:40+00:00

I’m not even divorced but my lady and our daughter went away for a long weekend. They were going anyway but it just happened to be we were in a beef on her way out. As I found myself in a quiet Chinese bar full of old men on a Monday night I realized: I understand how some men don’t make it passed Christmas

cromulent_weasel · 2024-11-13T00:22:06+00:00

Like when I look at all of the older divorced men I know, most are a depressed mess who're literally waiting to die. The women are thriving in comparison, even those who're not doing well monetarily.

Women are socialised at a young age to build social support networks with each other. For a man often his only social support network is his partner, sometimes his family of origin.

Why are men like this?

I hate the term 'toxic masculinity' but this problem I think falls into that category. Boys who are sensitive or in touch with their emotions or cry easily are brutalised on the school playground when they go to school. That creates emotionally stunted boys who grow into stoic and emotionally stunted men.

babata2627 · 2024-11-12T20:31:44+00:00

In my opinion men and women are both better off when in a good relationship.

A noteworthy difference is that women in general get a lot of free attention from men, whether or not they are in a relationship, which is very healthy for one's self-esteem.
If men had the same amount of attention at all times, there would be no difference at all. Our brains work very, very similarly, we are just dealt different cards at birth.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-11-12T18:41:04+00:00

Men are punished by women for being stunted romantically, women aren’t. If you’re a guy and you never had teenage love, didn’t go to college and have hookups and girlfriends. Then instead of dating around, you found a wife with very little romantic experience. You don’t know women, and they may make you nervous, women respond negatively to this.

Then you divorce at 40, you don’t know what you don’t know. You have no clear path of understanding what it’s going to take to get dates. You need money, time, and dedication to looksmax in middle age, if you’re balding and fat no woman sees you as a sexual option, even other fat women. If you don’t look good and have a criminal record, and you’re not searching for women, none are coming for you. So the guy stays single perpetually. Women always got options whenever they want, they just need to appear available, unless they’re hideous to look at.

Main_Aside_3072 · 2024-11-12T18:46:47+00:00

Because is harder for a man to find a decent woman to be his partner than it is for a woman to find a decent man to be her partner.

Ya'll still don't realize (or don't want to accept) that dating is exponentially more difficult for men for a lot of factors, Some are under our control, but others are not.

StunningSort3082 · 2024-11-12T18:32:00+00:00

Some men don’t know how to live without being mothered, and when the person doing the mothering is gone they never recover.

missmireya · 2024-11-12T20:09:47+00:00

Why are men like this?

I can answer this as a 42F from being on dating apps on & off again for two years. I gave up completely btw.

It's because many men in their 40s do not work on themselves. Most divorced men haven't been single since their early twenties, and they have absolutely no clue that the dating game has changed, tenfold.

Many come out of a dead bedroom situation, and think that they'll be knee deep in pu$$y once the ink has dried on the divorce papers. Unless the man is super attractive- It ain't gonna happen dude.

So basically these guys have zero filters online and say the most disgusting things. The way they talk to women and their attitudes is what keeps them single. It seems many divorced men also hate most women. They are angry and it comes out online.

...And lets not get started on 40+ men's appearances. Yes, we all age and that's understandable. But if you're overweight and unkempt you are never going to land a woman.

That's why these guys are miserable. Most are unattractive and have zero game with women.

OldThrwy · 2024-11-12T20:37:22+00:00

Well I’ll tell you what happened to me. My wife systematically isolated me from my support network when we were together. Couldn’t see certain friends because they were shady to her. Couldn’t see female friends because she didn’t trust them and thought they were into me. Moved closer to her parents so I only saw my family very rarely. We only went out with her friends.

So when I left her, my friend network was gone. My family network was strained. She turned all her friends against me.

Meanwhile she started dating immediately and dragged out the divorce process into infinity. My dating life was nonexistent because no woman wants to date a divorcing man. But plenty of men are willing to date a divorcing woman, so she was out there dating while I was having to explain my situation ad nauseam. Women are also loathe to date a divorced man getting on his feet, living in a bachelor pad, etc.

So women are able to get back out there immediately after and even during a divorce to find a new partner, years before the man is able to.

By that time he probably wonders if it’s even worth it.

purplish_possum · 2024-11-12T20:42:33+00:00

Fat 40 year old women can still get dates. Fat, or even just meh, 40 year old men can't. It's as simple as that.

The idea that women over 30 will die alone and that guys age like fine wine is total bull shit.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-11-13T00:42:05+00:00

because to lose your wife is to lose your second mom who did everything for you

chobolicious88 · 2024-11-12T22:04:04+00:00

Im guessing few things: - women have wide social/emotionalsupport, men only their wife - women have plethora of options boosting self esteem - most importantly: men are taught to sacrifice their authentic selves for status which they then pour into the woman. The woman grows up focusing on her emotional self. When the man is left he has no inner child, its sacrificed for the provisioner.

Perfect_Sir4820 · 2024-11-12T22:10:58+00:00

The premise of your question is incorrect. Post-divorce outcomes are worse for men in the short term but better in the long term.

Source

...the key domain in which large and persistent gender differences emerged were women’s disproportionate losses in household income and associated increases in their risk of poverty and single parenting. Taken together, these findings suggest that men’s disproportionate strain of divorce is transient, whereas women’s is chronic.

Source

Women experienced a 45% decline in their standard of living (measured by an income-to-needs ratio), whereas men’s dropped by just 21%. These declines persisted over time for men, and only reversed for women following repartnering, which essentially offset women’s losses associated with gray divorce...
...Although repartnering seems to reverse most of the economic costs of gray divorce for women, few form new co-residential unions after divorce.

eli_ashe · 2024-11-13T02:03:08+00:00

single men are targeted by people online and irl. they tend to be social outcasts. folks might point to how they dont tend to have as strong social connections, as if it were something 'wrong with men' rather than a boring social fact regarding men, e.g. societies tend to outcast single men.

they are viewed as threats to society.

it can be money tho, i disagree with the OP on this point. speaking on averages there men are worse off monetarily post divorce than women, specifically because they tend to be the ones that pay child support.

it is also the case that men tend to not have access to their children post divorce. this seems to be a difficult one for folks. men have emotions, and being torn away from your kids, which is the legal, social, and cultural norm in most societies, is a hardship that causes serious depression.

women tend to have custody and continue to receive support for the kids from the father, effectively getting the best of both worlds, e.g. the freedom that comes with divorce, the benefits of getting to continue being with the children (oft the family home too), and the benefits of continuing being supported by the father.

OP notes how 'only two hundred' whereas the mother paid nothing to him and it sounds like got total access to the kids.

it is also oft but not always the case that family relations and family friends gravitate towards the parent with the kids, exactly because of the kids.

I think OP's discussion point could be summed up as 'men tend to suffer from the loss of family and friends relations, tend to have to move from the family home, tend to have to continue supporting their spouse, and tend to gain no benefits for it anymore in terms of seeing the kids or continuing familial relations. they become outcasts.'

UpstairsAd1235 · 2024-11-13T02:09:20+00:00

Society has a better impression of women as a whole ("women are wonderful" effect). Therefore, they accept women in all their forms. Have you ever wondered why it is so much easier for women to make friends than it is for a man?... Exactly. That is perfect example of what I am talking about. And contrary to popular belief, we can see this everywhere. From mainstream politics, ideologies, media, etc., we can see that the "empower women!" movement had a lot to do with this.

We can also see that a divorced woman is treated like a "victim" of circumstances, and the divorced man as a pariah. This is why the "what did you do?" is aimed, most of the time, at men when a relationship goes bad or ends.

sanslumiere · 2024-11-12T18:44:30+00:00

I'm sorry about your dad. I think the answer to your question is that men tend not to build robust social support networks while women tend to seek those out. Loneliness is a killer. The men who break that mold do fine.

Vadoff · 2024-11-12T19:25:35+00:00

Divorced men are 9x more likely to kill themselves than divorced women. Numerous studies have shown that women just get over heartbreak faster than men do.

cheeseonmylunch · 2024-11-12T18:34:57+00:00

Something like lack of purpose.

This gender chronically relies on guardrails that the society sets up for them, and as soon as people get a little bit more freedom they don’t know what to do with themselves. They start committing petty crime, joining weird movements, slide into addiction, etc.

Proper_Frosting_6693 · 2024-11-12T19:36:04+00:00

Probably the stress/trauma from the misandrist divorce machine

detransdyke · 2024-11-12T19:37:47+00:00

They lose their bangmaid/mommy/therapist, and are left having to figure out how to be a real grown adult.

Gilmoregirlin · 2024-11-12T19:49:30+00:00

Because men do not have the same type of relationships and support from other men as women do with other women. They usually derive their sole source of emotional support from their female partner. They often do not feel comfortable expressing their emotions or opening up to other men. This is often, in my opinion when so many men trauma dump on women on first and second dates. They of course need someone to talk to but lack the social support group to provide them with that outlet. Women cry and lean on friends and family. They deal with things, they move forward. Men lack the social support.

BigMadLad · 2024-11-12T22:54:36+00:00

I think a factor is the return to suffering for men. Men are born into suffering in terms of loneliness, and so when they find someone they think they escaped when it all comes back in the divorce. I’ve seen divorced women usually have friends and support groups as women are expected to be supported, men typically don’t. It’s harder to go back into the trenches after you’ve left.

Also I’ve seen men be generally blamed for divorce vs when women initiate it’s often seen as the men driving her away. It’s a lot easier to get over something when you blame the other person and not have other people blame you.

iwillsleeptomorrow · 2024-11-12T20:25:48+00:00

Women have pussy to offer.

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ZennedGame · 2024-11-12T19:57:48+00:00

The reason they got divorced is likely intertwined (or, identical to) their struggles.

Consistent_Ad3181 · 2024-11-12T20:03:12+00:00

Everyone is different but I read somewhere it takes a man 18 months to 2 years to get over a breakup, women about two to three months. This is the worst of the breakup affects.

ixdtechs · 2024-11-12T20:52:05+00:00

I’m divorcing and I’m doing just fine because I didn’t let her emotions dictate my actions. Also, you have to BELIEVE you can find another woman. And that no one is THAT special

Plane_Reception_8222 · 2024-11-12T21:10:55+00:00

40M.

I’m well off financially and would be / would have been as well or better off financially if I divorced (reconciling).

I’ll answer assuming kids that are still in the house.

Wives tend to run the social calendar and choose who you hang out with, to an extent. I suggest families / couples as well where I know the other dad better, but women tend to be more integrated.
Family support is typically better for women because couples are more likely to live near her family than his.
Women are more sympathetic “characters” (couldn’t think of the right term). Whether the man or woman leaves, the narrative is likely to be more forgiving towards her actions than his. Ex: Other wives talked shit about me for having filed. Their husbands didn’t want to stick their neck out to defend me (I get it) and we’re sometimes forbidden from hanging out with me (lame).

I had worked on myself a lot for a few years before filing for divorce (in hopes of improving the marriage but also for myself) — lost weight, gained muscle, improved my look, pursued hobbies and interests, made my own friends, did therapy, (re-)learned to flirt, etc.

If I had stayed on my old track of just trying harder to make her happy by doing more, I’d be miserable and woefully unprepared. But since I had done the work, dating was easy and fun. Nonetheless, I think the deck is stacked against men, especially if they are caught off guard by a divorce.

bruhholyshiet · 2024-11-12T22:12:39+00:00

I'd say it comes down to women having on average better support systems and less hostility from their environments to lean on other people emotionally, compared to men who are still expected to just kinda have their shit together (from both other men and women, it's not a "by other men" issue), which not only causes bottled up heartache on the short term, but also ignorance on how to deal with recurrent and chronic emotional problems long term.

TheNattyJew · 2024-11-12T22:30:34+00:00

This must be particular to the people you know. I personally am on the boomer/millennial line. I would have no problem finding another mate should I end up divorced. I know lots of other married men who are quite active and vibrant in their lives who would be able to pick up and move on after divorce. Your father got fat and lazy and that is hard to get out of even if there were no divorce involved

alissa773 · 2024-11-12T22:58:59+00:00

I don't have an answer but the exact opposite was true for my parents

gangbangoldfolkshome · 2024-11-13T00:46:25+00:00

Because they’ve been told their entire lives that they need a woman to be happy. The day you realize that this belief is 100% certifiably untrue, is the day you will be free.

Ok-Area-9739 · 2024-11-13T00:49:20+00:00

All of the divorced as men in my family remarried. Some more than once! Lol

AnonAccountSexyTime · 2024-11-13T03:20:58+00:00

I think you’re projecting your personal experience. Low 40s and divorced and love my life.

Wattisgoingon45 · 2024-11-13T04:02:41+00:00

Idk Western problem, but where I am from the suicide rate of married men are twice that of unmarried and previously married men.

The most successful men are either single ( name - head of the nation, head of different states, most successful industrialists) or divorced or married to trad women.

That is also my personal experience single men are the most happy. Men who got divorced married if they want to easily.

Asian thing I think, where unmarried men after certain age is called golden bachelor.

JustRuss79 · 2024-11-13T04:14:40+00:00

Married men, especially with kids, have accomplished their biological purpose and are subtly rewarded by society for it. Other men nod solemnly even if they think "never me", women are attracted to men who have girlfriend wives and kids as proof they are reliable and virile.

They have probably been out of the dating game for at least a few years after divorce. Women can (if they want to lower standards) pick up their phone and have a date or no strings sex within an hour. No matter the standard, men struggle to even get a woman to respond positively.

Especially as men usually limit female friends to HER friends while in a relationship. Leaving them no options for consolation or intimacy from the opposite sex.

They usually lose the kids, the house, the pets. Watch her date a new guy and introduce them to his children...

Eventually they might bounce back. Being a bachelor, even a celebate one, can be awesome. But it's very easy to fall into depression and take the easy way out of it.

HighValueWomanBook · 2024-11-13T04:33:13+00:00

Why do divorced men seem to struggle so much even when financials are not an issue?

...

He got arrested for selling cannabis.

That doesnt give the impression he was doing well financially.

RunAgreeable7905 · 2024-11-13T05:16:10+00:00

Your dad was always a bit shit, your mother worked hard to keep him on an even keel. He ate properly because she made sure he did. He didn't sell pot because she thought it was a dumb idea. She was always cheering him up and keeping his mind active.

Solved the mystery for you.

No_Category6453 · 2024-11-13T06:38:17+00:00

One reason is weak or non existent support systems for men. The other reason could be that men depend more on women for daily chores than vice versa so it becomes difficult to manage these things alone.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2024-11-13T06:53:58+00:00

Men simply don't look after their relationships, or their support structures. Once they have a woman, they..stop trying.

LostWanderer88 · 2024-11-13T07:07:57+00:00

Because you discover how women really are

MrNotSoFunFact · 2024-11-13T07:29:19+00:00

I think there are even some stats that married men live longer than single men but there's no real difference between married and single women.

Women live longer than men in every country, this is due to a variety of factors most of which are completed unrelated to marriage. What people like you remarkably fail to bring up every time there is a discussion of life expectancy differences by marriage, is that married women also live longer than single women.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7452000/

Between 65 and 85 years, married men and women had a longer TLE and ALE than unmarried men and women.

And you know, you could also just answer your questions by using your brain and doing a literature search instead of word-vomiting into PPD like you're having a shower argument https://read.dukeupress.edu/demography/article/55/3/769/167891/Gender-Differences-in-the-Consequences-of-Divorce

Early studies that compared divorced men with divorced women concluded that postdivorce adaptation in health and well-being favors women (Stack and Eshleman, 1998; Wallerstein 1986)....
However, results regarding men’s greater vulnerability to the adverse effects of divorce on health and well-being outcomes are not consistent. Some studies have reported the opposite pattern (Aseltine and Kessler 1993; Simon and Marcussen 1999), and others have found no gender differences (Horwitz et al. 1996; Mastekaasa 1995; Strohschein et al. 2005). In view of this inconsistency, review articles have concluded that no compelling evidence exists to substantiate the claim that following a divorce, women are generally better off in terms of health and subjective well-being (Amato 2000; Amato and James 2010).

Married people drink and smoke less (Bachman et al. 2002; Chilcoat and Breslau 1996), but they also exercise less and weigh more (Grzywacz and Marks 1999; Jeffery and Rick 2002; The and Gordon-Larsen 2009). Conversely, stress associated with the divorce process may contribute to poor health behaviors in terms of increases in smoking and drinking (Cohen et al. 1991; Horwitz and White 1991), but it may also entail beneficial health effects in terms of weight loss. Regarding gender differences, extant research has shown that although men more often exhibit poor health behavior than women, changes across the divorce process do not differ in major ways (Umberson 1992).

And then there's the study's findings themselves:

Three main findings emerged from the analysis. First, a medium-term view on multiple outcomes yielded an overall picture of similarity, rather than differences, between women and men. Women and men did not differ much in terms of the consequences of divorce for (1) subjective economic well-being; (2) residential moves, homeownership, and satisfaction with housework; (3) mental health, physical health, and psychological well-being; and (4) chances of repartnering and social integration with friends and relatives...

Second, where gender differences emerged, they were mostly short-lived. Men experienced larger drops in satisfaction with life and particularly in satisfaction with family life observed in the year of divorce, but over the next years, the gender gap in these outcomes vanished. The same pattern was observed for women’s larger declines in satisfaction with household income, suggesting that gender differences in the consequences of divorce are generally larger in the short term than in the medium term.

Like literally stop pulling shit out of your ass and just learn 2 READ mate

remaininyourcompound · 2024-11-13T08:50:58+00:00

My observation is that a lot of older men seem to rely on their wife to basically manage their lives outside of work.

Termodynamicslad · 2024-11-13T09:55:47+00:00

I think you should make a Google before posting. Data shows men are the most likely to remarry.

-SidSilver- · 2024-11-13T12:25:17+00:00

I think it might be partially generational? Men who are now in their 60's are still part of that generation of guys who went to work while their wives stayed at home and did X, Y and Z.

Now they're divorced, these guys still have to work (or many are lucky enough to be retired, a luxury Millianls down to Gen Z will never experience) and spend more time in the unfamiliar realm of domesticity. If you can't cook for yourself properly, you won't eat properly. If you can't clean or do any of the stuff you never had to do before, your 'home life' (which is either most of your life, OR the life you have to come back to and sort out for yourself after 8 hours of work) starts to look pretty bleak, and no doubt contributes towards your mental health.

rosesonthefloor · 2024-11-13T12:38:24+00:00

I think like others have said, men are likely to have less developed support networks.

Conversely, if my parents were to divorce now in their mid-60s, my mom would be much more likely to die miserable and alone, whereas my dad, who is much more emotionally resilient, would likely do well and be able to find a new relationship.

purplepillowed · 2024-11-13T12:39:00+00:00

People need purpose and community. I believe these things erode more for men after divorce than women.

Women are more likely to be the one who maintains connections with friends and family. For example, my wife is more thoughtful about sending gifts to our nieces and nephews, even my sister’s kids.

If women are getting custody at higher levels, men without their children might lose purpose and connection. Especially in the past, (like your example 20 years ago) women were even more responsible for caring for children, while men contributed financially. When that financial contribution becomes a court mandated child support payment, it no longer provides purpose.

Finally, women have an easier time finding new partners. Despite the rhetoric on here about single moms, women have more dating options than men.

Cunnin_Linguists · 2024-11-13T13:41:57+00:00

The stats show that divorced men are far more likely to remarry, so idk why you put so much weight on an anecdote

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-11-12T19:09:21+00:00

Because men are dependent.

untamed-italian · 2024-11-12T20:24:34+00:00

Here's a good faith answer OP: because men are not allowed to be anything else.

Men spent their entire lives breaking themselves to fill the role of provider, husband, and father. Many were literally coerced away from their real passions to fill that role.

To have that role suddenly taken from them with nothing to replace it is more than enough to completely break their sense of identity. Because women are nowhere near as constrained by obsolete gender roles they don't experience divorce as the absolute and final rupture of the patchwork identity they cobbled together to pass as a Real Man.

It simply is not the same loss for both of them. The ex-wife lost an annoyance or maybe a tormentor or maybe just gained the chance to chase whatever passion they want. The ex husband lost the role, status, and deeply intimate bond with another person he quite literally invested his entire life into gaining, often under the violent pressure of those around him.

He's not better off married in any strict analysis, but he also is so conditioned by the role forced on him that he can no longer survive without it. He's like a tiger that was born in a zoo, you can't just release him in the wild and expect him to be ok. Nothing society ever did to him prepared him for that.

delusional-gf · 2024-11-12T21:53:23+00:00

I think a huge part of it is the mental load. During the marriage, women typically carry the mental load. But once divorced, her cut goes down to 50% and his cut goes up to 50%. So her mind gets a vacation and his gets hit with reality.

asdf333aza · 2024-11-13T00:34:23+00:00

Most divorce (70 to 80%) are initiated by the women. The women have usually been preparing for the divorce for years. It's premeditated. They have already picked out who their next boyfriend is going to be. They know how they want the custody agreement to go. They have already talked to their therapist. They already told their parents and friend that every thing is your fault. They know how much money they want from you. Their lawyer had already told them how much they can expect to take from you. The women have usually been planning the divorce for a long time before they pull the trigger.

The men are often blind sided by this because they are usually "men of their word" and took their vows in front of their friends and family seriously. Men are held to that standard. Women not so much. Holding a woman to her word is sometimes seen as abusive or misogynistic. She says she will be 5 mins and it ends up being an hour later. You're a jerk for calling her out. She says you're going to get lucky tonight. Night time comes and she's no longer in the mood. You're a pig for reminding her of what she say earlier. She said she going to be with you no matter what, but things get tough and she checks out. You're a scumbag for not preventing the tough situation that drove her away in the first place. Blame will almost always be shifted to make women not be accountable. A female could commit paternity fraud and the man gets called the evil one for wanting out of the relationship and the baby's life. And some times court's will still make the man pay for the lies of the woman. I know you said ignore the finances, but that is just an example of how men are often held to a higher standard than women when it comes to keeping their word and accountability. Most men who married plan to stick it through even when it's not good. Women are out whenever it no longer serves them.

James_Cruse · 2024-11-12T22:55:42+00:00

This is the exact OPPOSITE to all the divorce situations I’ve seen.

The men (who aren’t financially ruined and even many of those that are) find new & much younger new wives and quickly get remarried.

It’s often the former wives that flounder by going on many many unsuccessful dates with many men for years. Some of those women find another man and settle, some just keep dating and never find anyone and remain alone.

Ancient-Emphasis3134 · 2024-11-12T23:27:52+00:00

it goes to show that the idea "women decrease value after 30" and "men increase status as they get older" is nothing but a misogynistic fairytale

Puzzleheaded_Card_71 · 2024-11-12T23:53:32+00:00

Men who have their acts together and learn the right lessons about women from divorce flourish post divorce. Unfortunately many blue pilled guys never recover from a divorce and it kills their spirit. Once that happens it’s easy for a man to drop off, no one cares about us.

I’m 4 years out from a divorce. Life is much better. I’m far wealthier, fitter, and life is far more pleasant with the ability to date a few women if so inclined, and compete freedom to do what I want.

Den_the_God-King · 2024-11-12T21:41:36+00:00

Men hate themselves and each other more than women ever could.

Intelligent-Insight · 2024-11-12T20:07:26+00:00

Because men love women for who they are and women love men for what they do. That's why your mother could replace your father with somebody else who would do what he used to do, and your father can't replace your mother because no one else is her. Maybe if he was more lucky he could meet somebody else.

throwaway164_3 · 2024-11-12T20:40:21+00:00

Because women are the privileged sex

ThatBitchA · 2024-11-12T19:22:00+00:00

Seems men have created a narrative that aman is only valued when he has a relationship with a woman.

Unfortunately, men haven't rebelled against the narrative that keeps them trapped in little women pursuing boxes. Instead of changing the narrative and living a life for themselves, they just shut down and stop doing anything.

Married men outlive single men. Why? Because women enrich their lives with community.

Some men, unfortunately for them, seem to be incapable of creating or having community.

abaxeron · 2024-11-12T19:52:21+00:00

A lot of observable disparities are imaginary due to poor clustering. Religiosity is at least two different psychological phenomenons, and only one of them is responsible for all kinds of rabid lunacy. Ancient Greeks considered "love" to be at least four different things, that happened to fall under the same term in modern languages. Polio is three different viruses, not one; and two of them are already extinct.

Men who are not married are at least three different groups - men who were never married, men who have left their spouses, and men whose spouses left them.

The first group, again, can be subdivided in two - men who were never married because they did not want to, or men who wanted to get married, but were not selected into marriage by women.

I suspect that if we simply had this breakdown, we would see that the effect of divorce or marriage itself on a man's well-being might be a complete fiction; rather, it's the process of either not being selected by someone you fell for, or abandoned by someone you foolishly considered a family.

Also, men who never wanted to get married but got nagged and dragged into marriage with shaming and anchor babies, might be worse off than their single or even divorced counterparts; just not as numerous.

No-Mulberry7538 · 2024-11-12T20:40:41+00:00

Not struggling here, glad she left. Sometimes deadweight gets rid of itself. Dating has been fun, but I am not lowering my standards to be in a relationship.

tiddermacss · 2024-11-13T05:12:06+00:00

money and psychological well being are connected. seems most women in here have room temperature iq

_H_a_c_k_e_r_ · 2024-11-13T06:14:51+00:00

Only happens in west. They deserve it for letting feminism corrupt their society and the same men have guts to lecture rest of the world on their values.

KentuckyCriedFlickin · 2024-11-13T07:05:17+00:00

Men provide for their families.

fucknibbers14899 · 2024-11-13T13:48:52+00:00

Because men are human, unlike women, so are capable of loving somebody and mourning when losing that love.

missmireya · 2024-11-12T19:58:49+00:00

My mom remarried easily despite being a fat 40 yo single mom

Yeah but how long ago was this? Also, did she have pretty lax standards in her choice of men?

It ain't that easy anymore to find a decent man in your 40s. Especially one who isn't completely repulsive.

Lexipad_1992 · 2024-11-12T22:56:58+00:00

They were never wanted to begin with - and now that they've played their role, they've been cast aside. Also, your dad was selling pot and didn't pay any child support? Sounds like financials were very much an issue. Probably why your mom dumped his ass to begin with.

Title	Why do divorced men seem to struggle so much even when financials are not an issue?
Author	Novel-Tip-7570
Upvotes	47
Comments	345
Date	November 12, 2024 5:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1gpq893/why_do_divorced_men_seem_to_struggle_so_much_even/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-divorced-men-seem-to-struggle-so-much-even.1535568 https://theredarchive.com/post/1535568

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