Asking women out is a brutal process

PurplePillDebate-ModTeam · 2026-01-30T13:39:41+00:00

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krackedy · 2026-01-27T13:02:59+00:00

As a short guy I realized most women are not going to be into me. That's why I've never done cold approaches or apps, there's just no point. I've always had an easier time talking platonically first and only escalating if there's chemistry. I'm starting to think that's a lost art these days though.

bAlsdeepdesi · 2026-01-27T15:26:46+00:00

The hard truth is that this isn’t really about you failing to measure up on some checklist of “most attractive traits.” It’s that you’re trying to operate in a dating market where women live in a completely different reality than the average man can even comprehend.

Most women today—especially with online dating and social media—exist in an environment of constant optionality. Even average women have more sexual and romantic access than most men ever will. DMs, matches, attention, validation—it’s not hypothetical, it’s nonstop. She may not be satisfied with those options, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t endless.

So when you approach her, you’re not being compared to “no one.” You’re being compared to a background noise of dozens or hundreds of other men, plus the anticipation of something better that might be one swipe away. Your approach isn’t judged in isolation; it’s competing against excitement, novelty, validation, and future possibilities.

Unless you’re extremely attractive, rich, famous, or socially dominant, you will never fully experience this dynamic from the other side. And even men who do have those traits only get a partial glimpse of what women experience by default.

Once that sinks in, it reframes everything. It’s not that you’re uniquely unappealing—it’s that, to her, you are largely interchangeable and low-impact in a sea of attention. That’s why rejection feels impersonal and brutal. Not because she hates you, but because your presence barely registers against the volume of options she already has

None of this means there’s anything wrong with you. It just means the space you’re trying to connect in is loud and crowded, and people don’t always see each other clearly there. You’re more likely to be appreciated in places where interactions are slower, more human, and less about endless choice. You’re not invisible — you’re just easier to miss in the noise.

You’re not the problem, it’s just hard to be seen for who you are in a world that’s moving too fast.

Trolburg · 2026-01-27T14:45:16+00:00

I'm tallish, blond, blue eyed. Pretty boyish/feminine looking. I know exactly what you mean about occupying a niche, and I know people will say blond hair is reveered but it really isn't

The vast majority of women prefer hairy manly brunettes. But those who are into blonds are REALLY into blonds - I've had a few girls straight up as me if we can have sex over text.

When I spend some time around those obsessed with my type I forget it's only a small population size. Then my ego gets bitch slapped when I show interest in a girl and she's like 'ewww no'

Just wish it wasn't so binary.

Emuman7 · 2026-01-27T23:35:58+00:00

There’s no point in cold approaching women as an average guy. You’re just setting yourself up for countless rejections and blows to your ego. I get that some guys believe that if you ask out enough women, eventually one will say yes. Which is true, but only helpful if you’re the type that is unfazed by constant rejection.

A better strategy I’d say is just putting yourself out there and being selective in who you approach. Have profiles on multiple dating apps, go out to bars and clubs on the weekends. Talk to the girls who stare at you or dance with you. Don’t approach the random girls who don’t even acknowledge your presence. That’s a quick way to hear “I’m lesbian” or “I have a boyfriend”. Or worse, you say “hey, what’s your name?” They look at you and look away.

The reality is the average man has a lot less options than the average women. There’s no changing that, we just have to play the cards we’re dealt.

Maleficent-Remote580 · 2026-01-27T14:27:53+00:00

It's worse than that.

You need a certain level of looks and social clout to be able to exist as a neutral existence.

As a below average guy if you simply try to be a kind social individual everything you say and do is met with suspicioun.

5 women told me that I have no shot with them 5 others called their boyfriends after the fact as if I was hitting on them

By that point I had already given up on romantic aspirations abd was just trying to live life as a good man because that used to be important to me.

mrbonee69 · 2026-01-27T15:45:45+00:00

It is widely known that social media and online dating has caused womens' egos to shoot into space. All women from 3-9 in terms of SMV will only show interest in men that are at least a 7/10 in terms of SMV. It is referred to as "hoeflation".

Spiritual_Run9039 · 2026-01-27T13:08:58+00:00

Isn't it already established that most women hold the dating power?

Imagine being born as a woman and still complaining about life

polarpolarpolar · 2026-01-27T14:13:29+00:00

It’s actually really easy if you can just turn off your feelings, and accept rejection.

If you’ve ever done shit like cold calling or door to door sales, you realize that success is by continuously putting yourself out there, so that the right person might respond or find you, and that it’s okay that most aren’t the right fit.

And you’ll be surprised that some women think it’s endearing and brave of you to be approached and it might just push you over the line.

ImaginaryDimension74 · 2026-01-27T15:40:50+00:00

Yeah. It can be a minefield especially in woke college and work environments where an unwelcome advance can qualify as harassment.

Echoing another user, in recent years, I’ve just been friendly and I let women make the first move.

Hisune · 2026-01-27T18:35:14+00:00

I agree 100%

I did my best but still no luck. It's rough for some people.

PattayaVagabond · 2026-01-27T23:33:09+00:00

Yeah I agree. What does it matter if im tall and fit, they can always just find another tall/fit guy that is more their type. It really doesn't solve much if you aren't fitting into a common archetype.

TimeFrame3980 · 2026-01-28T01:31:06+00:00

BP is the way

IllPurpose2111 · 2026-01-28T06:03:06+00:00

The worst is going on 3 or 4 dates and building a connection and then the girl says "I'm not sure" or "I'm not ready for a relationship". Girls can be into you and then find one thing they don't like or gives them the "ick" and lose interest. Or they can just have trauma from their past that makes them unable to take a guy they like seriously

irene2024_ · 2026-01-28T09:31:31+00:00

I feel the same as an AuDHD woman - not being liked by lots of people. But I also don't like a lot of people in the same way that OP described. So yes two people being highly compatible with each other generally is highly unlikely

SummerBreeze750 · 2026-01-27T14:20:03+00:00

I agree that for most men it's hit or miss (and usually miss) but why does that mean it's "brutal"?

Here's an analogy: Suppose there is an online first-person-shooter game that you enjoy playing. While you are learning to play your character dies a lot. Even after you get good, you still die pretty regularly. But nobody would describe this process as "brutal." It's part of the fun; if you get to the point where you never die, you'll probably move on to some other game.

When it comes to (modern) dating, the main difference is that millions of years of evolution have made men extremely apprehensive about romantic/sexual rejection. Which made sense in the ancestral environment, because back then hitting on the wrong girl could get you killed or ostracized from the tribe.

To be sure, chasing women in 2026 is not entirely without social or physical risk, but it's pretty easy to conduct yourself so as to keep those risks extremely low.

So I would suggest that you are thinking about things the wrong way.

mashedturnip · 2026-01-27T17:14:40+00:00

When you’re cold approaching it’s very low success — that applies to any type of sales

Ragazzocolbass8 · 2026-01-27T13:03:23+00:00

You don't necessarily have to be unattractive in a traditional sense (unkempt, sweaty neckbeard), just be niche enough to have certain appeal to some, but be a totally-not-her-type for many many others.

There is no such thing.

You're either attractive or you aren't.

Some women might settle for you even if you aren't attractive because they have ulterior motives but that’s beside the point.

They-man69 · 2026-01-27T20:12:52+00:00

Applying to a job can be just as brutal. You can’t have success with failures to compare it to.

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mandoa_sky · 2026-01-27T13:02:53+00:00

i assume you mean complete strangers?

it shouldn't be hard to tell if they're an acquaintance

existentialhack00 · 2026-01-27T13:05:18+00:00

You really need to look at it differently. You have the power. You get to pick which girls you choose to ask out. They don't get to pick which guys ask them out. The price for that is rejection, but if you keep it light and try to convey confidence, she will usually be somewhat polite and flattered-- or at least pretend to be.

Then you just move onto the next one.

Complete-Record5167 · 2026-01-27T15:16:55+00:00

It is just a numbers game and don’t take rejection personally. You buy lottery tickets and don’t win every time. Just engage with confidence and if the answer is no, so what? You only invested a little bit of time talking to them. The cost to you is minimal - like that $1 scratch off ticket. Just use those approach/rejections as training to refine your strategy and improve your confidence and communication. You can also practice engaging strangers in conversation. I see people that aren’t like me at all in the grocery store and I just start talking to them about whatever. You would be surprised the number of people that have a big smile and are willing to engage with you. Eventually it comes more natural being able to converse with anyone.

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-27T16:38:29+00:00

As a woman, I don't think most men are into me or that I appeal to them.

Let's be clear, I'm sure most men would bend me over a table and use me like a fleshlight no questions asked.

But to be in a committed and loyal long term partnership in which they have to get to know, appreciate, and love the multi-faceted being that is me...yeah, it's less than 5%. And of that amount, that I would like in return that way, we're under 1%.

Dating is a brutal process of knowing most people are either apathetic, annoyed, or disgusted by you no matter who you are. Stop thinking that if only they were sexually attracted to you it would feel better. It doesn't. It just makes finding someone even more difficult because you can't even use that as a useful heuristic.

Axis_Control · 2026-01-27T13:19:07+00:00

Honestly don't do cold approaches and just use apps and reddit and maybe other social groups.

Due_Appointment_1188 · 2026-01-27T15:04:21+00:00

Framing rejection as walking through a minefield is really just a perception issue. If every no feels like you're getting crushed, you're attaching way too much meaning to whether it works out or not with any specific girl.

Also, I am close to maxxing out in terms of looks and my approaches have about a 50 50 ratio. So I don't know about that "whatever you do you'll be a total no to most women", that needs to be taken on a case by case basis.

Does it suck to be the one that always needs to ask them out because you're a guy? Yeah, but only at first. You quickly get used to it.

Emergency-Sell-6713 · 2026-01-27T17:23:01+00:00

I thought women were all attracted to the same guys and therefore the same criterias. Lol.

markii300 · 2026-01-27T18:27:23+00:00

I realized at the end of the day its a game of numbers, after you've maxed your appeal out, you have to face the pain of rejection multiple times to find that one diamond in the rough, if they chose you, its genuine

Busy_Interest9100 · 2026-01-27T19:47:59+00:00

Asking someone out can feel like navigating a minefield, and it often seems like you need a map just to avoid rejection, but embracing the process can turn those awkward moments into funny stories later.

DriverInitial8305 · 2026-01-27T16:32:24+00:00

I think you should make sure you’re in a good place career wise, be at your best physical shape sub 15% body fat, take care of your skin, dress well etc before dating seriously. You want someone who you want and also wants you.

Solondthewookiee · 2026-01-27T13:10:37+00:00

I guess I never obsessed over whether was "disgusted" or just wasn't interested, and that distinction seems hugely important for a lot men here. I was never good at cold approaching women but the times I did, I gave it my shot, read the situation and the person and if she wasn't feeling it, took the L and went on with my life.

AlarmingArm9919 · 2026-01-27T13:23:48+00:00

build a friendship first without expectations

the trade off is that it's much, much harder when you are rejected

but the benefit is that it's much better odds and much more deep the moment she says yes

Tylikcat · 2026-01-28T19:07:44+00:00

I've asked out the majority of both men and women I've dated. I prefer to do the initiating.

The majority of the time, I know perfectly well that the other person likes me, at least as a friend, and often that they're interested in me. They did not (usually) send me an engraved note with this information. Or even a text. I could tell by their body language, how they talked to me, etc. What we call social cues.

(I'm not saying I haven't had my oblivious moments. Like going on a hike with a newish friend, during which time she grabbed me and kissed me. I hadn't been looking? But she made a good argument!)

Now, it helps that I have plenty of true positives with which to calibrate my analyses. This is less because I'm a woman than because I'm decent looking and fairly charismatic. (Yes, even at fifty-two.) But most of this is because I am social, and spend time around people and have developed skills at interpreting body language, vocal tone and other ways people communicate this stuff.

The skills required to interpret this all have a lot of overlap between communicating with friends and communicating with potential partners.

Kaleidoscopetide · 2026-01-28T21:52:24+00:00

A lot of guys on here seem to think that most women feel this like…intense visceral disgust for men they aren’t attracted to. In my experience, this isn’t so at all. I’ve been asked out by some pretty unconventional-looking dudes, and I never felt disgusted. I just thought, “nah, this guys not for me.” Sometimes I thought “darn, this guy put me in an awkward social situation when I just wanted to do my elliptical.” But neither me nor any of the women I know are walking around feeling disgust for people they don’t think are hot. I don’t imagine that most of the women who reject you are necessarily “disgusted at the very thought of you wanting more.” I bet the majority just…don’t want more.

love_in_october · 2026-01-27T16:54:57+00:00

You're not going to be most people's type, and neither am I, and neither is anyone else. Generally people just accept that and move on, you don't need to take it personally that most people don't find you that special. You can't seriously expect the majority of people to want to date you. The fact that they don't isn't brutal, it just means you're human.

JustSomeRandomGuy36 · 2026-01-27T16:37:28+00:00

You have to look at your phenotype then go for women who typically have dated a pattern of men of your phenotype (e.g. white blonde men, white brunette men, black men, eye colour). All women have a type and you can increase your return on investment by targeting those specific women

GarfeildHouse · 2026-01-27T20:04:11+00:00

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is it generally the case that women care less about looks than men? So I would imagine that if you’re ugly (I generally don’t think most people are ugly and going to the gym helps most people), it’s harder to find a relationship with a guy, whereas when dating women, it’s usually easier to get a spark based on personality.

This is a generalization, and I’m a man and only one man at that

anewleaf1234 · 2026-01-27T20:26:07+00:00

Than stop stop doing it.

Just don't complain when you aren't dating people.

Title	Asking women out is a brutal process
Author	Crazy_Kray
Upvotes	125
Comments	424
Date	January 27, 2026 12:58 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qod4nw/asking_women_out_is_a_brutal_process/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/asking-women-out-is-a-brutal-process.1572061 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572061

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