Is it true that most people cannot lower their standards biologically?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-03-13T23:33:14+00:00

I’ve seen so many people lower their standards at last call you might as well call a bartender a biologist and chemist then

eveleaf · 2024-03-14T00:42:32+00:00

Everyone wants a happy life with a great person that contributes to their happiness and doesn't add a bunch of unhappiness. That doesn't usually change, and I would argue that it shouldn't change.

But it is completely normal for the kind of partner you seek to fit into that happy picture to change over time.

I had a guy friend, a hotshot highly paid software engineer, who married the gorgeous young receptionist at work. It was 50% lust and 50% ego. He took exactly one look and said "I'm going to marry her." And he did. It was hell on earth. A couple of kids later and near-constant stress and tension at home, screaming matches, fighting. No intimacy. No peace. He had gained 50 pounds and his hair was falling out.

We used to chat over lunch and he confided they were divorcing. That he couldn't wait. He said "Next time I swear to God I don't even care what she looks like. I don't even care, it's not as important as I thought it was. I want someone who is NICE to me."

I left the company after that and we lost touch, but the last time I looked him up he had met a lovely woman of very average looks, they were engaged, and he looked ten years younger.

If a woman does this, it's called settling for Beta. But they're happy together. It's not like he no longer cared who he ended up with...he very much cared. But WHAT he cared about had changed. Personality mattered a lot more; looks a lot less. As long as they're happy...isn't it great? Isn't that just what humans are supposed to do? Learn from our experiences and change over time?

angelbaby933 · 2024-03-13T23:45:28+00:00

You can certainly date someone you’re not attracted to but it’s not going to end well. I once dated a guy I had to convince myself was attractive as he was so nice and wish I hadn’t.

Overarching_Chaos · 2024-03-13T23:58:47+00:00

Biologically? Lol even sexual orientation can be affected by societal norms. Sure, men are generally attracted to the hourglass figure, whereas women are generally attracted to the v shape body, but these are very general, biological blueprints.

Societal norms can greatly affect beauty standards, look at how in pre-industrial times, chubby men and women were considered attractive because being chubby meant you were of higher socioeconomic standing.

Also let me tell you, when I served in the navy and barely saw any women for 2 months during basic training, my standards were significantly lowered lol.

Professional_Chair28 · 2024-03-14T00:03:28+00:00

I don’t think a person’s “standards” are naturally ingrained, I think they’re more often a result of your environment. So as easily as you can change your environment, you can change your standards.

Jaded_Interaction162 · 2024-03-14T00:21:59+00:00

Just stick to people you can meet irl. That keeps things more realistic.

MyLastBestChance · 2024-03-14T00:28:36+00:00

I think compromising on non core characteristics like income, specific profession, specific physical attributes, family, social status, niche hobbies etc. is not only possible, but fairly common.

Compromising on attraction, character, honesty and integrity, core human values, and life priorities is foolish and never ends well.

SecondEldenLord · 2024-03-14T08:04:31+00:00

It's not true, it's about brainwashing and indoctrination. I mean look at what the body positivity movement. Men are attracted now to fatter women thanks to brainwashing and indoctrination at a young age that fat is sexy and beautiful.

AreOut · 2024-03-13T23:39:50+00:00

attractiveness is circumstantial, especially for women

average white man is invisible for them in NY but if she moves to New Delhi the same guy suddenly becomes a catch

WilliamWyattD · 2024-03-14T00:54:57+00:00

True standards are obviously created by nature AND nurture. So IN THEORY any impact that culture and environment has on standards could be undone.

But undoing environmental influences is not as simple usually as just understanding what has happened and then 'thinking' your standards lower. Not how humans work.

And here I am talking about TRULY lowering standards such that 6/10s now seem attractive to you when before they did not. This isn't about just going with a less attractive option that is still somewhat attractive, because you now see you can't get any better.

claratheresa · 2024-03-14T03:59:38+00:00

You are confusing “ideal” with “standards”

Ideally i would be with a guy who is 6’3”, educated, fun, never gets angry or annoyed, has ethics but isn’t religious but also ideally i would have infinite inherited wealth, be a supermodel, never age, have a vacation house overlooking the Mediterranean sea, have an IQ of 150, and be able to teleport.

Unfortunately, the sad reality is that i am not ideal in any way and i would never attract someone ideal and therefore my standards are much different from ideals

Safinated · 2024-03-13T23:41:00+00:00

Of course they can. They just don’t want to

Also, celibacy is an option

Wattehfok · 2024-03-13T23:46:56+00:00

What the fuck is a “standard” anyway?

I think peoples’ priorities change over time. What I found attractive in my early 20s looks very fucken different to what I find attractive in my mid 40s, for example.

EricSec · 2024-03-14T00:05:51+00:00

It isn't biological. People go after what they believe is the best that they can get, and they correct as they go through life and get more attractive or unattractive.

Think of it this way, no one would ever remarry in their 50s or 60s if they had unchanging standards.

BigZaddyZ3 · 2024-03-13T23:59:59+00:00

I don’t believe people ever truly lower their standards. But people can learn to be happy with the person they settled with. They can grow romantic attachment even if that person wasn’t their most fantastical idea of a partner in the beginning.

Defundisraelnow · 2024-03-13T23:41:07+00:00

I don't think people "lower" their standards. Referring to human beings as "lower" or "higher" needs to cease. People are not cuts of meat.

People's tastes can and do change all the time, depending on where they are in life. We can also spontaneously fall in love with people we never thought of falling for.

Choice-Substance-183 · 2024-03-14T00:44:28+00:00

What standards are biological? Arousal? Attractions?

Those things change over time as people can life experiences (or not). Biology isn't stagnant. And standards can't be higher or lower.

just_a_place · 2024-03-14T03:28:38+00:00

Absolutely true.

No amount of "social conditioning" will ever make a girl that is not-hot suddenly be hot in any man's eyes no matter how insanely horny hey may be.

SurelyWoo · 2024-03-14T03:37:41+00:00

Some years back there was a game that illustrated mate selection. Each player held a playing card to their forehead so that they everyone, except themselves, could see the value of their card. Players then paired with a mate having the highest card value they could manage. Through the process of interaction and rejection, each person came to indirectly know the approximate value of their card, which of course symbolized their sexual market value. I doubt this game would be allowed now. Perhaps someone else remembers it?

CountMandrake · 2024-03-14T04:34:46+00:00

I'm in my mid 30's now and while my standars have stayed pretty much the same (I'm a man tho so my standars for hook ups are kinda low, and I'm not looking for commitment) I've seen a ton of gals lower their physical standars after they got older.

One of the gals I'm seing right now is an old aquaintaince actually. She's 36 currently, we met for the first time when I was like 16 (she's two years older) through some mutual friends and we actually went on a date when we were 18-20, after she broke up with the dude she was dating.

I think I was supposed to be some sort of rebound or something, but she frozed me and started going out with other (probably more attractive) guys at the time. She was like strikingly beautiful back then, so I wasn't surprised she didn't want anything to do with me honestly.

We stayed friends tho over the years and we would bump into eachother casually here and there (my best friend is married to her cousin, so when I hanged out wirh my best bud she would be there ocassionally).

So long story short, we met again in a friend's wedding, she was kinda low because her ex fiancee dumped her and wanted to hook up to kill the time, and I said why not haha... We have been seing eachother for sex for over a year now.

So yeah, basically, she has definetly lowered her standars when it comes to looks.

In fact, she even admited to me that I was absolutely not her type when we were young, and that's why she cut me off in our first date haha.

Admitedly, I got better over the years. I'm tall, quite jacked (and ripped) and now I'm well off so I can spend some money on nice fit clothes, good haircuts, take care of my beard and keep it clean... I'm definetly a late bloomer, so there is that too.

But all in all, the guys she used to date were way better looking than me, and also rich.

It's not the only gal who ended up adjusting her standars tho. After my ex and I parted ways and I became single again, +30, I got to date several old acquaintances that back in the day wouldn't have glanced at me for several reassons.

These women are gorgeous mind you, not as much as their former selves but they still have something going on for them you know.

They all seek normal average guys now, and kid you not the bar is really on the floor for these gals.

I mean, they still won't date a butt ugly dude, but a normal looking man with average salary is like mana in the desert for these gals haha.

So yeah, I believe people adjust their standars.

One thing that bugs me tho...

Dating a +30 years old woman is not as enthicing and validaring as dating a 20 something.

For me, "romance" is being attracted to your partner both physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally. If one of those is missing, the experience feels kinda forced you know what I mean?

There is some level of acomplishment and reafirmation, at least for me, in dating a woman who's young, simply because she has a ton of options.

The fact that a young, beautiful gal is picking you among other men is already validating in and off itself.

This is something that doesn't get talked that much. We all hear that guys like me just want a younger partner because we want a gullible and manipulable woman, which doesn't ring true at least for me.

It's more about validation. It's about being chosen by a woman who has plenty of other options. You know she's with you because she really likes you.

And mind you, it doesn't feel "easier" to date a beautiful woman who has a ton of options. The power dynamics are roughly equal. You know she can pick another dude any time she wants. Everytime she doesn't, like everytime she has a nice gesture, buys you something or has a detail for you, you feel more appreciated.

I do not believe in the "everlasting love" thing, and I don't think "romantic love", the way people describe it at least, really exist. I haven't been "in" love once in my life for example (honestly, I think I missed an important part of life, which sucks you know, but what gives... I'm 34 now) so I treat pretty much all relationships since my ex fiancee quite casual.

But dating younger women feels, at least sometimes, as close to actually being loved, which is a nice feeling to be fair.

I don't have "age requirements" as I date women of all age brackets, but dating an older woman doesn't feel as great.

You always have the lingering feeling that she's settling for you. Specially if both of you know each other for a long time.

My point is, I can relate to guys here who are afraid of being "settled for" by women past a certain age. It's an actual feeling, quite common now that I'm past 30 that didn't came to my mind when I was dating back in my 20's.

learn2earn89 · 2024-03-14T00:06:06+00:00

Maybe for guys, I’m a woman and I can’t lower my physical standards since everything else I would find repulsive. I definitely don’t expect someone to be rich and they don’t have to make more money than myself. It’s my loss, ultimately.

alebruto · 2024-03-14T01:19:10+00:00

I see that many women apparently "lower" their standards when they become single mothers or when they pass a certain age. women who wanted men who were 180cm tall, but started getting involved with men who were 170cm tall, women who were only with fit men, but started getting involved with men who were shorter or overweight. However I don't believe they are being genuine, and a woman's true standard is the one she chooses at her peak.

80_20 · 2024-03-14T02:45:46+00:00

People are liars.

You can absolutely slower your standards if you choose to.

What do you think every unattractive person does?

MistyMaisel · 2024-03-14T03:03:41+00:00

Having dated almost entirely dudes I wasn't attracted to:

This doesn't end well. Attraction is part of what magnetically pulls a relationship together and then glues it together even during rough times. It's part of what makes every interaction a little more special, a little more intimate, a little more..more. And to not have that in the mix, it's unfair to both people and hurts them. It makes a relationship robotic and performance. You're doing things because you're supposed to want to do those things, not because you can't help but do those things or really want to.

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SnooMarzipans6929 · 2024-03-14T00:41:43+00:00

I mean I think you can't help what you like. You can settle but that doesn't mean you're being honest with yourself or that you're actually attracted to that person.

Exponential_Eight · 2024-03-14T01:56:50+00:00

I'm a very superficial person and I find as I get closer to 35 and my net worth goes up, I'm more picky with how fit/athletic they are.

I'm fully aware it's a temporary and superficial thing, but God a perky and firm athletic but makes my knees weak.

I'd say I'll never lower my standards, but that I'll need to realistically settle at some point or die alone because my attraction standards are too high. Most likely I'll just settle.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2024-03-14T04:54:43+00:00

Title: No because standards are not biological they are culturally (social environment) learned. Just look back into the pases 100 years at how many times the "ideal" body has changed, as it drastically changes every 10 years or so.

If standards were biological, they they wouldn't be changing so fast and along with the evolution of pop culture.

Rouan1234 · 2024-03-14T05:36:00+00:00

Nah. I find this some kind of lame excuse for lame behaviour.

In the bare minimum, people change and what they are looking for, too.

The very idea of what a standard is can shift from time and person.

thetruthishere_ · 2024-03-14T05:42:38+00:00

I think most people have normal standards and this sub blows things way out of proportion.

Like neurotic insanity proportions stepping on their own wankers and cant get out of their own way.

AidsVictim · 2024-03-14T06:20:04+00:00

People obviously can lower their standards. Almost everyones recent ancestors lived in material, cultural, style, grooming, looks etc standards that many would completely reject now, yet they did not change (significantly) biologically in 100 years.

As for what's "biologically" attractive, while it's clear certain health markers, secondary sexual characteristics (to a degree), symmetry etc are probably not very malleable a lot of both what's seen as attractive physically beyond those parameters and "satisfying" standards (i.e. would I date this person considering their looks and be happy about it) are probably more enculturated. Whether adults can reasonably change what they're attracted to after already being imprinted as children with sexual standards is another question again but probably quite difficult in line with changing your overall personality.

Most people will just answer no to all the above because that's the convenient answer for them on a personal level.

Adventurous-Lime1775 · 2024-03-14T06:42:38+00:00

Your tastes change with time and exposure.

There's a ton of people I didn't find initially attractive initially, but after time and/or exposure, my views changed.

People's personalities can augment and change their appearance and attractiveness absolutely.

JohnGoodman_69 · 2024-03-14T06:55:17+00:00

No its not true. People grow on each other. That's why so many relationships start off as friendships, classmates, or coworkers. Repeated exposures.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-03-14T07:51:23+00:00

Your standards are things you pick. You don't need to draw the line where your standards include all the people you find attractive and only the people you find attractive. Many people will go on dates even if they don't feel any attraction yet to see if it happens. Many will also not want to date some people they find attractive for other reasons, for example they live in a different country or already have children. Attraction isn't something you pick, but it isn't all biology either - a lot of it is influenced by your environment and upbringing, but you can't really engineer those to get the feeling of attraction you want.

B0ulder82 · 2024-03-14T08:18:12+00:00

You can decide to keep your standards at what you are actually attracted to, or consciously lower them to where you feel much less attraction, in favor of the promise of potential for companionship and whatever else, but you cant change how your current preferences make you feel attraction wise.

However, your preferences are a little bit steerable if you know how, because they do respond to experiences and your environment. Things like watching porn, or even indulging in a lot of exceptionally pretty faces online, will mold your preferences to be naturally higher, making it less likely you will be happy with what you can get. Those are more male oriented examples, but similar "accidentally training yourself to have not-practical standards" effect happens to women too, but with sometimes different triggers. Internet and social media seems to be the common culprit.

obviousredflag · 2024-03-14T08:28:51+00:00

You need to be more specific: are you asking about actively defining a new standard and then be attracted to that? No. That is not possible.

How did you change your standards?

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-03-14T10:29:00+00:00

Most of what we are attracted to is not innate but experiential and sociological.

If we are the type of person who chooses to work on ourselves and grow, we can absolutely begin to find different people attractive than we used to. Otherwise, we are more likely to be driven by subconscious drives based upon childhood experiences, attachment style, etc.

I used to ONLY be attracted to gregarious, short, skinny party guys with dark hair. I am married to an extremely shy/ introverted, thoughful ginger, who is 6' 3" and bulky. The only innate thing I seem to have remained attracted to, no matter what, is broad shoulders.

East_Writer_2892 · 2024-03-14T12:00:48+00:00

men do all the time out of desperation. Women not so much

Women have a looks barrier if you don't pass it you can be the most charming man alive she won't even entertain your existence. That barrier might go down as she gets older and her preferences change, but generally speaking, the whole "settling" thing isn't something I see all that often if people are dating and happy they're usually genuinely happy. it's not the 50s women don't need to feel "secure" so if they're dating you and being affectionate they want to date you regardless of who they banged previously.

A lot of guys, by comparison, will take whatever they can get standards be dammned which is why degenerate landwhale chasers exist and so many mediocre women have a looks barrier that makes no sense, but at least it helps the better dudes filter by giving them a free red flag. I can think of so much that would be helped if genuinely decent-looking dudes stopped entertaining ugly fat chicks as options and just stayed single.

unconstab00 · 2024-03-14T12:26:51+00:00

I see people which standards are so low thay end up in crazy relationships. Why would people want to low their standards?

gntlbastard · 2024-03-14T13:32:14+00:00

You can lower your standards in some cases because those standards are negotiable. Then there are standards that are non-negotiable. For instance - wanting a non-violent dude would be a non-negotiable standard that most women have.

Appropriate-Loan-351 · 2024-03-14T13:52:12+00:00

Being attracted to what someone is attracted to is not the same as lowering your standards buddy.

Tobor_Xes240 · 2024-03-14T14:36:15+00:00

In the short term, going r/NoFap helps men. Also being in environments with few women in general (prison, military deployment, San Jose) will do the trick.

Not sure if women can lower their standards: as evidenced by angelbaby993’s’s top-rated comment, hetero women grow to resent a man whom they chose to date based on his potential to be a stable, kind partner. Bottom 80% stepdads raising Chad’s offspring know this all too well.

oneblackcoffeeplease · 2024-03-14T14:52:16+00:00

people who say they cant lower their standards simply havent been exposed to many ppl irl, if you talk to tons of people you'll notice so many people are attractive bc of various things

id say claiming you cant lower/change your standards is a take from chronically online pornbrained weirdos

Mentathiel · 2024-03-14T15:04:23+00:00

I think preferences are changeable/discoverable, but it's not a conscious choice to lower your standards. That would imply dating people you're not attracted to, not learning to find less conventionally attractive people attractive.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-03-15T09:39:27+00:00

Sure you can decide to settle. But you can't decide to actually FEEL attraction to someone you are not attracted to.

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-03-15T16:58:43+00:00

I think the big misconception is that you're either attracted to someone instantly or not at all. In reality familiarity plays a big part of attraction, someone you associate with positive things will seem much more attractive to you than a random person you don't know at all.

If you're ever in a situation where you want to be attracted to someone (say, a good friend that you like a lot and you want to see if it could be more than that) but you're not sure if they do it for you, just put yourself in a sexy situation with them and your hormones will probably do the rest. Watch a movie and cuddle, have a conversation about sex, or if you're a woman you can even go for the nuclear option and take your top off (men are completely powerless against this). It might be awkward for a few minutes but you probably won't struggle that much, evolution did prepare us for this after all.

AdjectiveMcNoun · 2024-03-16T18:41:08+00:00

I think it all depends on the individual and the circumstances of the relationship. I've known women who grieve relationships for a very long time and I have know men that move on easily, and vive versa.

That being said I also know people who outwardly appear to be fine, but they are very hurt on the inside. Part of the coping and defense mechanism is to appear fine and to move on.

I remember after one of my hardest breakups one of our mutual friends told me I seemed to be taking it better than he was and it was not that way at all in my mind. He was engaged again to someone else, but they were keeping it a secret from everyone. I hadn't even started dating again yet.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Hoopy223 · 2024-03-14T03:29:17+00:00

Theres standards and then attraction.

“Standards” are a mostly-woman thing. They have so many choices that they’ll come up with a dream list if things that a guy has to have & then declare that he’s her “type”. So then they flip through hundreds of dating profiles looking for that elusive 6’2 surfer guy with a law degree.

Attraction is different. You can be attracted to all sorts of people but they may not fit with your mental image of a partner (or be an obviously bad idea lol).

Also men and women have different feelings of attraction. For men it’s rather instant but for women it kind of builds up. The way a guy talks, moves, humor etc.

So yes you can lower your standards but attraction is a different story.

Geselshaft · 2024-03-13T23:45:41+00:00

Anyone can lower their standards, and it’s easier for women to do so.

Why? Women don’t participate in sex. For example, they don’t have to do anything but starfish and it’s not like they have to maintain an erection or even be aroused. Personal line absolves women of attraction response.

Will they enjoy that sex? Probably not, but sex is just a transaction for relationship benefits.

According to all the women here women are oppressed and had to be in relationships because they would die and be eaten by lions in 2016, so they were forced to have sex. So they clearly can lower standards when motivated.

Also, women are biologically gold diggers. So although they might get aroused by hot guys, as far as overall attraction money is high up the list. So women are able to negotiate attraction.

Men are more monolithic. So it’s mostly just attraction. Women? Not so much.

Turbulent-Tonight975 · 2024-03-14T00:22:33+00:00

I think people can come to terms and find positives about things, including the people they find attraction too.

I've done the exercise with several single women I know asking about what they want and will find acceptable in a man. Every time its basically the same criteria: tall, good looking, humor, education, good income. I have pointed out to these women that this guy is definitely far less than 1% of all men and finding a guy who has all these characteristics is going to a be a challenge. I did not think these women remotely stacked up themselves to the qualities they expected in the men, but I didn't tell them that.

When someone realizes that the standards they expect in a partner are higher than what they offer themselves, the person then has the option of either elevating themselves, or accepting that they will struggle badly to find this person because a person who is way better than you will also have way better options than them.

This revelation doesn't have to be crushing or the end of anything. The person can realize that maybe he/she would get a supermodel or prince and find other things in people below that level that are desirable and attractive. Perception and attitude definitely play a major part of this.

baiser_vole · 2024-03-14T02:45:10+00:00

I think if you somehow look deteriorating, you could biologically be excluded from people's attraction. The 0.7 waist to hip ratio is said to be the universal attraction cue on women. This can point to one's health as well as fertility, so it is our biological wiring. I think there's most likely a minimum bar, and a lot of people these days are way too fat.

Icy_Lie_9001 · 2024-03-16T05:02:33+00:00

Yeah it’s called being horny

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-03-14T02:01:23+00:00

You can't lower when you base your whole perception of your own looks on it. A women accepting she's mid is a special kind of hell.

optimuscrymez · 2024-03-14T04:39:36+00:00

Lmao

People who think standards and attraction aren't overwhelmingly cultural are funny.

KorinTowerFreeloader · 2024-03-14T10:15:51+00:00

Standards are a social construct. Especially for women, who are known to be more impressionable by what society tells them. Therefore, when they get "used to" Chad they conflate their SMV and DMV. Then, they tell you they won't settle for less, or that they can't lower their standards. It has a name; alpha widows.

banghersoft · 2024-03-14T00:16:18+00:00

Women can’t but men do all the time

Title	Is it true that most people cannot lower their standards biologically?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	35
Comments	301
Date	March 13, 2024 11:31 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1be6fma/is_it_true_that_most_people_cannot_lower_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-it-true-that-most-people-cannot-lower-their.1426334 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426334

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