Women here, what advice would you give to your sons going into dating?

Caring_Cactus · 2022-08-28T19:35:35+00:00

Dating is really, really hard for men, much harder than for women. Make sure to put time into yourself, your hobbies, and your friends. Treat all women and men with respect, but know your worth, and make sure the people you let into your life treat you with respect. Who you are on the inside matters most to the people that love you and to yourself, but people will notice what you look like on the outside first, and make judgments from that. It's up to you to decide whether and how much that matters to you.

domdomdom333 · 2022-08-28T21:59:13+00:00

Be an enabler for memories.

If you son wants to go to an event with his friends that's one one for the weekends let him, let them stay out for the whole night if it drags on. That's a way to get them acquainted with more people, get more life experience and might sound weird but "word of mouth." Aka he's no stranger to the women/girls in those for mentioned friend circles.

Know too many guys for whom the parents didn't let them stay out all nights, didn't let them go to car meets or last ticket cinema movies and years don't the line they still live with their parents and have social skills of a 12y old.

TLDR: Don't be a helicopter parent, let boys be boys.

svt765 · 2022-08-28T20:35:01+00:00

Personality-wise, try to be the best version of yourself. If you´re a nerdy introvert you won’t convince people that you’re a free spirited extrovert – it will be unnatural, people can usually pick up on it quite quickly and it will only push them away.

Therefore – the best version of your natural personality. However, social skills such as small talk, being able to talk freely about yourself and some degree of debating are a must.

Socializing your kids and them being able to make friends early is crucial, I’d bring them to playground/kindergarten/my friend’s kids and motivate them to make friends – if they were unsuccessful I’d try different solutions.

Having a couple of good friends and a healthy social life is important no matter the age so of course I’d motivate them to have all of that and wouldn’t be too overprotective when they’re in their teens – “sure, go to that party, I’ll pick you up at 2 am” haha.

Get a useful degree and try to be as successful as possible; however don’t push it too far and get some rest regularly; don’t become a workaholic.
Work out and be in a good shape. Dress accordingly to your age – looking like a 12 year old boy won’t get you any women.
Be fine with being single and have the mindset “it would be nice to have a relationship however I don’t need it”… sure, this is also partially a personality thing, some people are just naturally good at being alone, however you cannot look desperate – again, people will pick up on it and it’s very unattractive.
Do not tolerate disrespectful and flaky behavior – if she doesn’t respond for days, never puts any effort into dates, expects too much too early – ditch her.
You have to be okay with being the initiator. Don’t be creepy and sexual too soon, however make it known to her that you’re not here to be her friend and are interested in her sexually/romantically.
For Christ’s sake, wear protection EVERY time, don’t get anyone pregnant and try to not catch any STDs (ideally, you’d both get tested before having sex, a condom doesn’t protect against all diseases).

corporatesandry · 2022-08-28T20:36:51+00:00

“You can catch flies with honey but you catch more honeys being fly”

toasterchild · 2022-08-28T20:53:30+00:00

I wouldn't wait until they were dating age to urge them to leave the house and get social. They need to learn social skills young and be pushed to keep working on them even when it would be easier to just stay home and play video games all the time.

2022-08-28T19:41:21+00:00

I’d start by trying to make sure he’s well-socialized, physically fit, high achieving, has a sense of self-worth, and doesn’t suffer fools or shitty people.

If he internalizes the importance of those things, I doubt he’ll be coming to me asking for dating advice. But if he did struggle and wanted my advice, I’d tell why I thought he was struggling and if/how I think he could improve.

doggiedoc2004 · 2022-08-28T21:33:37+00:00

My son is 11. He will be very good looking but short. Prob 5’6 or so. I lift weights. Already teaching him. Stressing school and a professional career. He is pretty normal in terms is how he acts socially. He’s in honors and should breeze through school. College is 60% female now and may even be higher when he goes. Not too worried he won’t find a good girl because we are aiming him straight into the professional managerial class. I don’t know any professional men, short, bald, average looking etc who don’t have decent looking wives with good careers. My hubs and I also model very egalitarian behavior in the home and our careers. He will be confident good looking (if short) and a professional which should land him a good partner.

I will also be discussing affirmative consent, moderation in substance/alcohol use and pornography use and staying away from low class high drama chicks in an age appropriate manner over the next few years. Ideally choose only a girl in your social class who is also well educated.

On vacation this summer, on his own he opened a door for a lady and smiled his dazzling smile at her and said “after you.” She came over to us (my hubs and I were sitting a distance away) and said what a cute polite son we had.

heyeveryonewhatsup · 2022-08-28T20:10:47+00:00

I think a lot of women tend to change their perspective of their son is struggling. It’s like the equivalent to the “couldn’t empathize till I had a daughter” thing some men say. I’m not saying either is right but in reality most teens don’t listen and most parents will tip toe around the more objective advice. My mom told me I gave her perspective. I’ve had many odds against me but eventually I started pulling it together now I’m beginning to date at 22 but tbh I learned it all through reality. My mom wasn’t gonna tell me about being short (5’4)being a disadvantage she would tell me platitudes (she’s 5’0 my dad is 6’2)I had to learn and lose 100 pounds and try my hardest to become dateBle at all. I don’t resent them because most adults prior to this generation just tell their kids platitudes and "you will find someone someday” it wasn’t until I ignored them and figured it out.

For the women in this comment section please don’t ever tell your kid or plant seeds of insecurity into them about whatever trait they may have. Instead of they come to you about it be honest but optimistic. Ik ik I just said no platitudes but it’s some nuance in it.

I got alot of “blue pill” platitudes and though it made me delusional to an extent it was good for my self esteem as I got older. Most mothers know when their child isn’t that successful but in todays dating climate I suggest you push your kid(please use your best judgement) to step out of their comfort zone and take risk. No matter what I think instilling this is the most important. I have ocd and I have to fight my risk aversion, try to instill that confidence before that kid actually has anything to be confident about, that way it comes second nature to that kid.

Anyways I’m just a 22 yr old and this post wasn’t for me nor was I trying to tell anyone what to do. I just think there’s thing I wish my mom and dad did MORE instead of platitudes. Try to find the balance and keep it real but tact

EviessVeralan · 2022-08-28T21:59:14+00:00

As much as guys in the manosphere tend to not like this kind of advice, the number one thing i would tell my son is to be himself. No one can wear a mask forever and if a woman doesnt like who you really are, then shes not a good match for you. Its better to not waste your time chasing women who arent good matches for you.
Go for a woman whos happy to be emotionally supportive when youre going through a bad time and stay away from those who will hold this against you.
Spend a great deal of time thinking through your boundaries and dont let any woman cross them.
Find someone you share common interests with.
Stay away from party girls or women who at any point participated in casual sex. The willingness to engage in these kinds of activities shows a difference in personal values and its important to share values if you want a successful marriage.
Stay away from single mommies. This will spare you from different awkward scenarios and potential drama. (Examples include but arent limited to "Youre not my real dad" and baby daddy drama)
Stay away from women who have radically different political views. Someone's politics is reflective of their personal values.
If you see any signs that she might be settling for you, get out. For any marriage to work nowadays, she needs to think youre the best thing since sliced bread.

2022-08-29T02:12:13+00:00

I'd tell them it's competitive, but not impossible. He shouldn't take having or not having a gf as a personal failing, and not to settle for anyone just because they're there.

Don't date people with kids unless you're ready for the assload of work take entails. Don't pay every date unless you want to, it's reasonable in this day and age to expect women to pull their weight. If she won't, find someone else, because she may not want to do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship if so, and that can be a detriment in times of vulnerability. You need someone who will show up for you and do what they can—and you should want to do the same for them.

Do low-stakes first days like coffee if you're just getting to know someone.

Treat your partner how you want to be treated; if they can't return the favor and if they don't support or bring value to your life, it's okay to move on. Don't be deceitful because it can waste your time as much as someone else's, but don't feel like you have to lay all your cards on the table on the first date, especially when young, as you may not even know what you're looking for yet. Just communicate clearly about what you do know, want, and don't take it personally if others don't align with you. You're more likely to find people who aren't like you than you are to find those similar.

Lisavela · 2022-08-29T07:58:51+00:00

Be respectful and make sure you know what type of woman you are dating before going on the date, figure out if they like 50/50 or expect you to provide you will save yourself a lot of embarrassment and disappointment.

tinasnow-poty · 2022-08-28T19:49:30+00:00

“You’ll lose money chasing women, you’ll never lose women chasing money” 👍🏾

thetruthishere_ · 2022-08-29T12:40:42+00:00

To bottom line it.

Always use condoms, never let anyone push you around or your boundaries, dont push others boundaries and chase excellence not women.

FancyCocktailOlive · 2022-08-29T12:58:44+00:00

Don’t watch porn. Get a good haircut. Learn how to read and use body language to your advantage Dump her if you aren’t feeling it and don’t string any woman along Sex in a long-term relationship is better than one night stands Get a job and pay for good dates. Date for a combo of good looks + good personality.

ChudBuck · 2022-08-30T01:39:10+00:00

Women typically want their sons to grow up to be providers of comfort and security, so they raise betabuxxers by proxy

Novadina · 2022-08-28T19:40:37+00:00

I’d probably suggest he talk to his father for that kind of advice. My dad never gave me advice on dating men, my mother did. I would also assume he is looking to his dad as a role model in general, and probably the main advice I’d give would be to behave like his dad or other male family members who have successful marriages. He should see how is dad treats me and how I treat him as examples - I’m a firm believer in leading by example, words alone don’t work as good.

ruboyuri · 2022-08-28T22:54:43+00:00

I would tell him to ask himself “why would a woman fuck me?“

I cannot tell you how many unsuccessful men get angry and refuse to answer when asked this question. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad

ChadChasingB · 2022-08-28T19:43:12+00:00

I don't believe that my future sons would struggle with dating. I will encourage them to be physically active and find sports that they enjoy. I will socialize them young and help them to work on their social skills and boundaries through peer exposure. I will also teach them the importance of taking care of their appearance. That cures 90% of the issues seen on these subs outside of a disability. If they have a disability there's not much that can be done. I will teach them to value themselves and to understand that relationships aren't a given, but you have to be desirable and carry the traits that your partner is looking for too if you want one.

Starter91 · 2022-08-28T23:12:43+00:00

Focus on career, don't date.

mlo9109 · 2022-08-29T13:13:50+00:00

I don't have a son, but I've dated my share of Mama's boys, so speaking on that...

I won't be offended if you put your partner first. It's what a healthy adult relationship looks like. Your future spouse doesn't want to play 2nd fiddle to their MIL. This leads to nothing but resentment.

Also, your future spouse doesn't want to be your substitute Mommy. You're an adult, you're capable of cleaning your house and cooking for yourself. Also, it's not babysitting if it's your own damn kid.

AnOddTree · 2022-08-28T21:55:30+00:00

My advice is the same for my sons and daughter.

only date casually until you are out of college and well established in your career path. Only get serious if you partner shares your life goals. When you do get married, focus on your spouse and assets for at least a few years before having children. Kids can wait till you are in your 30's and they will benefit more from your maturity and established finances.

I'll also talk to them regularly about what a healthy relationship is and isn't. Hopefully my relationship with my partner is one they can hold in their mind as a blueprint ..... we have a great relationship.

MembershipPlus2082 · 2022-08-29T00:10:38+00:00

focus on being 6ft+ tall

PermissionUpstairs12 · 2022-08-29T02:25:20+00:00

Why would I tell him needs to be better than 90% of men to get a girlfriend? That's ridiculous.

My son got his first real girlfriend at 16. They've been together 2.5 years now. So I tell him to make sure he has his own life, goals, college, and when he moves out...don't move in with her or any other partner until he's at least 28, etc.

That he needs to live on his own (or with roomies) and focus on his education, career, and goals first. Not to get married unless he specifically believes in marriage, and that he's too young for any long-term, romantic decisions.

As for the advice I've given him throughout his life...I'm a single mom by choice who's very Feminist.

So I taught him he's not "naturally violent, a horn dog, or lacking self-control", those are all choices people make. To ignore "traditional" norms of what a man/woman are "supposed to be" and be proud of who he is/his interests.

That marriage & kids/LTR's aren't necessary nor the key to happiness. That he has to love himself in order to love anyone else.

And that masculinity is being a respectful, kind, empathetic, responsible man who treats women exactly as he wants to be treated.

Edit: Forgot a very important bit I started with him very young. Grooming/looking good/smelling good! That men should pay just as much attention to good skin (moisturize), "manscaping" as needed, neat hair, shaved or groomed face, clean/decent clothes, personal style, etc.

As well as the importance of being self-reliant by age 12 (ish) in the same things a man in the military does: Make your own bed, do your own laundry, be able to cook, do chores without being asked, groom yourself, look neat & pressed. Don't expect others to baby you/rely on yourself.

~Accidently added the edit as a reply, so had to delete.~

2022-08-28T19:37:58+00:00

Given that men here routinely tell one another to ignore the advice of women I would give no dating advice and leave that to their father. Plus teenagers tend to ignore their parents' advice as teens and young adults.

the-curious-woman · 2022-08-28T19:22:01+00:00

Some of my advice would include: 1. Be nice to her. Growing up, some boys would straight bully me and I would be told by adults that means they like me. I doubted that. 2. Just because you are nice to her does not mean you are entitled to sex, or to be her boyfriend, or taker her out or whatever. You are never entitled to those things. 3. Idk if this counts as dating advice but I would make sure my son was showering daily, washing his face, using deodorant and brushing his teeth. I feel like every teenage/preteen boy I know went through a faze where they were just total grease balls. Good grooming makes a difference. I’m sure there’s more but I can’t think of anything specific right now

Irys-likethe-Eye · 2022-08-28T19:58:03+00:00

It's both hilarious and ridiculous that the post is literally "women here, what advice would you give to your son's going into dating" and every response a chick has submitted has been shot down, ridiculed and dismissed as her being "delusional".

Like so, do y'all actually want to know how or what we think, or do you just want to take a shit on everything a "female" says?

jjlew922 · 2022-08-28T20:54:34+00:00

Focus on your studies, sports, cultivating true and healthy friendships first and foremost. Focusing on girls will get you no where, the right girl will come when you’re living your best life in integrity and authenticity. And you will have your fair share of opportunities if you focus on succeeding in however you choose to contribute in this life. Walk away from entitled and manipulative women early and often. Have good boundaries and a set moral code that you decide to live your life from and the aforementioned won’t be hard. Take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Like attracts like. Be the best version of yourself to achieve your desires and goals.

houstongradengineer · 2022-08-28T19:58:52+00:00

Take an emotional or social (but not too much physical) risk every now and then. Be the person I taught you to be- bold, strong, kind, thoughtful, and decisive. Sexual activities are for adults who can communicate effectively and responsibly. If you're interested in relationships or intimacy of any kind, I recommend that you start getting to know people now. Go to dances, ask people to dance. Get tea on the weekends with groups of kids. Study with smart people. Socialize, and go from there depending on what works for you. It's usually not other people's business what you do in your private life, except what's on the internet lasts forever. Digital sexual images have serious consequences forever, but especially when you are a minor. Using porn also has consequences. Ask your father about that becuse I've just always found it gross anyway.

You're welcome to ask me any specifics about relationships, and I'll try my best to help you. Don't forget to also speak to the male role models in your life. Consent is key. No one should do anything to you that you you don't like. You shouldn't be doing anything with anyone else unless you both have said "hell yes!"

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-08-28T19:30:22+00:00

"speak to your father"

Motherofvampires · 2022-08-28T20:13:32+00:00

I wouldn’t. That’s his fathers job. I’ve never been dating as a man, how would I know?

attendquoi · 2022-08-28T19:37:49+00:00

Be kind, be honest. Women are raised to think men are just sex-starved troglodytes.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-08-28T19:46:06+00:00

Depends on what he's like and what he wants, and most importantly, whether he asks. If he didn't ask I'd only make sure he stays safe and treats others well. The best thing I can do is leave him to himself past that unless he thinks I'd be useful.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-08-28T21:52:57+00:00

I already did my job. I chose and decided to fuck his father.

This is why women don't fuck men unsuccessful with women in the first place!

A mother's advice is about as a good a losers father's advice; neither will work.

itsmemaggi · 2022-08-28T22:19:29+00:00

I'd expect my husband to do most of the advice-giving, but I'd hopefully drive home the point that he shouldn't pour everything into interaction with one young woman. Men tend to love hard - a lot harder than they're given credit for - and keeping his options open, having fun, and gaining experience are what those early years are for.

suganips · 2022-08-29T00:35:19+00:00

I would tell that mf to get under 10% body fat and pray his face hollows out. oh and also to lift weights

mistressusa · 2022-08-28T20:24:10+00:00

Mother of two daughters (22 and 19) here. First, I would make sure to tell my hypothetical son to stay on the right side of what's legal. Familiarize yourself with what's acceptable legally in your state/country, but also culturally in your town/country. No girl is worth ruining your son's future for.

Second, I would help my son understand what types of things would NEVER attract the kind of girl I want my son to date. For example, don't ever send dick pics. There are also other super cringy things that some young men think make them look "cool" but really do the opposite. This changes all the time, so if they have an older sister or girl cousin, this is when her input is very valuable.

Lastly, be a champion/captain of a cool varsity team like swimming or lacrosse or soccer. That's right, it's cliche but true, girls love jocks. Bonus if they are Ivy League bound. I remember when my older daughter was in high school, she was the envy of all the girls when she got the "Harvard bound future Olympian" to take her to their senior prom. A boy she had known her whole life but had no interest in because she thought he was "stupid".

sarkington · 2022-08-28T21:23:13+00:00

No one likes a sour, resentful whiner (like me!)

If you can’t make friends, why do you think you’re going to get a girlfriend either?

Hopefully, I will not have to dispense such basic logic but you never know

The9thElement · 2022-08-28T22:33:23+00:00

Tell him to avoid promiscuity and misogyny. I will 100% raise my son as a mamas boy

DXBrigade · 2022-08-28T21:35:32+00:00

Nothing. I am not an helicopter parent.

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InfamousBake1859 · 2022-08-28T21:05:06+00:00

I’ll tell them to be happy with him self and always look for ways to improve himself. Why not aim to be the top 10%???

Hopefully himself = him doing his best.

Treat women with respect like how he would treat everyone. It’s ok if he’s single, it’s ok if he’s not.

greedyleopard42 · 2022-08-28T22:28:26+00:00

i’d want them to focus on themself and the rest will most likely follow. the most they develop their hobbies and skills the better.

peppapigoink95 · 2022-08-28T23:21:14+00:00

Assuming they are straight, as this question postulates: "son, figure out what kind of woman you want to be with, and then do the work you need to do in order to be the kind of man she'd want to be with. If you don't want to date a lazy slob, don't be one either. If you don't want to date a nut, don't keep dating a woman who's revealed herself to be a nut. Don't complain about women in a broad sense, and don't date a woman who complains about men in a broad sense. Be polite and courteous, but don't overextend yourself or allow someone to walk on you. Don't put pussy on a pedestal. You can be the breadwinner, or look for an egalitarian lady who's content to try and go dutch, but you gotta tell her what you want, don't expect her to know. And don't argue about stuff when you didn't make your wants or needs clear. Lastly, don't get comfortable and start taking your partner for granted, and let your good manners slip just because you've "bagged" them. And don't settle for someone you're less than crazy about."

In other words, be decent and communicate your needs, and don't expect the universe to hand you a perfect partner.

KikiYuyu · 2022-08-28T23:55:11+00:00

I'd do my best to fill them in on social norms and niceties, and I would tell them they have to be them best selves. I'm not going to tell them to put on an act because that's not sustainable long term. And if they aren't interested in long term and just want to get laid I'm not going to really insert myself into that so they'd be on their own.

2022-08-29T00:14:43+00:00

Don’t date a woman that genuinely abuses you. Always take the condom with you if you have causal sex.

ALearnedFool · 2022-08-29T00:46:27+00:00

"Being in a relationship isn't the default. If you find someone you love, go for it. If you feel you're getting closer to a friend, more power to you. No one is ever going to complete you. You are a fully formed human and no one will fix you. That's your job. In the same way, it's not your job to fix anyone else. You're probably going to have a hard time with dating. Alot of people do it for the wrong reasons. If you know they're not putting in the work and don't intend to, then leave. Easier said than done."

Willow-girl · 2022-08-29T01:28:41+00:00

Wrap it up!!!

2022-08-29T06:27:59+00:00

You might get pressured by society into trying to match with everyone, be everyone's friend or thirst magnet, but that's not a sustainable or possible way to live for 99% of men. All interpersonal relationships are more or less the same, is there chemistry, mutual benefit and is that friend/girlfriend/boyfriend a good match for you.

If my kid would froth at the mouth that a girl (or boy) turns down his sexual advances, but be understanding that a coworker doesn't want to shoot the shit after work, I'd be wondering where I went wrong with him

ahaeood · 2022-08-29T07:23:11+00:00

If he’s anything like his dad, he has nothing to be worried about 😂

TATA456alawaife · 2022-08-29T13:32:36+00:00

Do what has been done forever. Very rarely talk about it but make sure when you do, make sure to demonize sex. As soon as you are cool with dating people don’t date.

CatchPhraze · 2022-08-29T15:34:58+00:00

I'd have fostered and pushed healthy mixed social circles before he started dating so girls wouldn't be some other kind of otherkin.

Then I'd give him a car, guitar lessons and a gym membership. Or whatever artistic+ physical hobbies he'd rather Make him well rounded. The rest would just happen.

lolipopdroptop · 2022-08-29T17:48:11+00:00

Worry about yourself and they’ll come to you. In college some of my guy friends would worry too much about having girlfriends or getting laid that they missed out on great experiences. Now that they stop they all have girlfriends lol.

JCSledge · 2022-08-29T18:00:18+00:00

Don’t. Work on yourself, develop your lifestyle, cultivate friendships, don’t worry what other people think of you or how you should be. Also don’t be a dopamine slave.

theantisocialiate · 2022-08-29T23:31:47+00:00

my sons wont need advice cause their dad is 6'6

AlejandroVillegas · 2022-08-30T04:39:12+00:00

Would you tell them they have to be better than 90% of men to get a girlfriend? Or would you tell them to be yourself and all that jazz?

I'd tell them that being above 90% plays a factor, but is not the underlying factor in actractiveness. Yes be yourself, you wouldn't want to attract someone because you pretended to be someone else.

What do you think would help your hypothetical son the most in todays climate of dating?

Just being there to support him and talk about problems. Most people don't have fathers and it's really sad to see. And having a father means less likely to have depression, to be insecure, most likely going to be more emotionally intelligent and stronger physically, teaching them valuable lessons etc. Having a father really gives you a head start in life and that will apply towards dating.

2022-08-30T06:26:58+00:00

Don’t feel pressured to do anything. Don’t feel the need to lie about yourself. If someone doesn’t like you for you, there is no point in trying to be with them.

2022-08-30T10:42:01+00:00

Serious limit is time and usage of video games, and try my best to keep him alway from porn until he's 18. I would ensure he gets good sexual education, though.

Tell him the truth about dating sites, that the ratio wof men to women is insane, so it doesn't hurt his self esteem to much.

Get him to play sports, so he is physically fit and has a salubrious outlet for all his energy and aggression.

Encourage him from a young way to mix with women and have some platonic female friends.

Always work on cultivating his mental health, self esteem and confidence.

I would rather he navigated dating himself and made his own mistakes than to constantly advise and guide him. His moth doesn't need to know too many details and he doesn't want to share.

Title	Women here, what advice would you give to your sons going into dating?
Author	Luciansleep
Upvotes	77
Comments	295
Date	August 28, 2022 6:50 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/x02v5k/women_here_what_advice_would_you_give_to_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-here-what-advice-would-you-give-to-your-sons.1130972 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130972

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