In dating, whats the biggest - men/women say they want X, but their actions suggest otherwise?

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-05-11T06:41:15+00:00

They all say that want someone serious, but they pick the fuckboy/crazy girl every time.

wtknight · 2023-05-11T11:16:35+00:00

I think that the biggest problem is overgeneralization. Women think every guy is a fuckboy because of a couple of fuckboys who played them in the past, but many men do want relationships. Men think that every woman is some cruel Stacey who is going to shame them for approaching because a couple of attractive women did that to them in the past, when some women closer to their attractiveness would welcome being approached in an appropriate manner and setting.

There are other over-generalizations about men and women besides the ones I listed. Unfortunately, this post contributes to them.

eefr · 2023-05-11T05:27:23+00:00

I find that men and women say they want a wide variety of things, and individuals are usually correct about their own specific desires.

MoldovaImComing · 2023-05-11T08:00:26+00:00

Obviously, the biggest one is how much women lie about how superficial they are. 80% of men are “below average” ha ha ha ha!

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-05-11T13:38:52+00:00

Men talk about how they want a low-n woman but go after the more overtly sexy and outgoing types who are more likely to have slept around. They also filter out low-n women by insisting on sex early on, and completely filter out virgins by not wanting to wait until they’re married or committed. The amount of guys here who say things like “Average women have slept with 50 Chads by the time they’re 22, have thousands of DMs, never have to pay for anything, and are getting flown out to private islands.” Like dude… most women are not Instagram models, you must be trying to date a very specific type of woman.

Women tend to downplay the importance of looks and other “shallow” factors. Women factor in other things too, so men are capable of “making up for” their looks more so than women, but looks are still the first thing anyone will notice about a person. And most women do not wish to date someone noticeably less attractive. Most couples are about evenly matched it terms of looks, which wouldn’t be the case if women didn’t care. I feel like a lot of men here greatly exaggerate women’s standards for looks, but out in the world in general, there’s this idea that women care drastically less than men do, which isn’t true either.

Both sexes will say they want someone “nice/sweet,” and to some extent they do. But just nice isn’t enough, and if you’re nice but boring and kind of a doormat, that’s not really attractive to either men or women. A very specific type of man wants a meek, submissive woman he can walk all over. But in general, it’s not attractive on either gender. Kindness is great but you gotta have a backbone and some personality, or you’ll just attract the worst sorts of people.

KayRay1994 · 2023-05-11T14:07:52+00:00

(all of these are broad generalizations, neither are a set rule for even half the populations - that being said, here we are)

Men - go for women with heavy makeup while wanting natural women, say they will go for any woman but exclusively focus on the most attractive (ie. a women who is traditionally a 7 is a 5 now), men also have a habit of confusing a bubbly personality for being pleasant/sweet, men also actively talk about wanting something serious but that quickly changes when a woman matches that energy

Women - wanting sweet/vulnerable men but ending up with someone who is emotionally unavailable, actively wanting someone to be seriously but sticks around with someone who is using her, women also talk about wanting an easy going, calm relationship but end up in some seriously dramatic stuff

modidlee · 2023-05-11T12:52:37+00:00

Men date who they can women date who they want. So if a man isn’t with someone who doesn’t match what he says it isn’t because that’s not what he wants. It’s because he couldn’t get that person. But women will say they want one thing but actually be more attracted to something else. So they’re usually with the guy that gives them what they want, what feels good, and not what they say they want.

Kliere · 2023-05-11T05:52:50+00:00

I think there's a lot more nuance to this. People will sleep with and even "date" other's they have no intention of marrying or having a LTR with. So a guy might still prefer his future wife to be more natural but will fuck a girl with heavy makeup. The same way a girl will want a guy with a better personality to marry but fuck the hot tall guy. You can have different preferences for different circumstances.

shrimp_dicks · 2023-05-11T05:57:19+00:00

Women want an emotionally intelligent & available man but avoid being accountable for how their actions affect said man's emotions.

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-05-11T15:06:08+00:00

Men claiming to want low body count women. But suddenly put off over the fact that they are usually sex averse and not really interested in sex or "prudes".

Women saying looks don't matter when they do. And just not being forward enough to admit it. It stems from us trying to be polite and not hurt feelings

saraimarsena · 2023-05-11T05:24:06+00:00

men say they only want to wife low n count women but many guys don’t even ask/end up being okay w it for a girl they really like. high n count women absolutely can get wifed.

inb4 “we care we just don’t have options!”

booo not the point lol

lot of people regardless of gender loosen certain preferences and standards if they meet someone who fits enough of their other criteria.

AngeCruelle · 2023-05-11T06:46:16+00:00

I'm going to read the prompt as "people incorrectly claiming to be or being designated as the voice of the majority" because for the most part irl the things I see people do match exactly what they say.

Ime men do not universally like agreeable doormats who never challenge them on anything. They do care about a woman's job/social class even if the salary itself is more of a mixed bag. A yoga instructor from an upper class family is going to have a way better chance of dating an upper class man than a working class waitress at Waffle House.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-05-11T13:46:13+00:00

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

They want to have sex with young women, most men in their 30s can't get a 22y/o.

It's not a say/action issue - it's a supply/demand issue.

The women stuff is kinda the same,

but they want the high-value (i.e tall, rich handsome) guy to be more sweet and vulnerable with them. Low-value guys aren't on their radars similarly to how fat ugly girls aren't on most men's radar.

So yeah, you shouldn't really listen to what women SAY they want, because they're always imagining a guy they're attracted to, not some fat poor nice guy.

But it's not on purpose, it's just that it's not worth considering people you're not attracted to when you specify what you want. Attraction is a given

87AudreyHorne · 2023-05-11T08:32:44+00:00

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

I think the guys who say that are not average guys so there's no contradiction.

Say they want a natural woman but go for girls with heavy makeup

They want someone who looks good and can't always tell that it's a result of make up. They would like a natural look so that they can be sure it's "real" but don't always recognize make up. I don't think they're actually lying because it's not that they want make up, they genuinely don't want fake looks but can't tell which causes the whole complaint in the first place. Luckily, most normal women neither wear make up 24/7 nor does it drastically alter their looks (most of us are not make up artists) so although an average woman wears make up, it's not like she will be completely transformed without it. And an average guy who has actually been with women knows this so he doesn't have a weird phobia of make up

Say guys should be sweet and vulnerable, but regularly pick emotionally unavailable bad boys

I think women who do this want emotionally unavailable bad boys who will be sweet and vulnerable to her only so she feels special

My examples:

I notice men like to act like all they want in a woman is someone who's easy to get along with and cute, but trust me men will fall for fucked up but interesting women and it will be about more than just their looks. Female intelligence matters and turns men on, as long as the looks don't hamper it

Say it's about personality more than looks, then exclusively date taller guys

Well not just taller, girls love hot guys, any girl knows this. I don't know how some guys here went through high school without noticing how much girls are into hot guys, discussing hot guys, making lists of hot guys, rating guys, etc. I mean girls and women talk about hot guys all the time. The idea that we don't is fabricated both by women and men

That doesn't mean that personality doesn't matter, just that women have eyes and taste in men

RedditAlt999 · 2023-05-11T12:40:23+00:00

This entire post refuses to acknowledge that people settle when they can't get what they actually want. Would I settle for a 30 year old if I actually wanted a 22 year old? Maybe. Would a woman settle for a 5'8 guy if she wanted a 6'4 guy? Maybe.

gymbronyc718 · 2023-05-11T10:48:53+00:00

Men say: love sweet, submissive girls.

Men in reality: chase after bitches who don't give them the time of day

Women say: I think a man holding a baby is sexy

Women in reality: chase after men holding a guitar and a bottle of Jack.

Da_Famous_Anus · 2023-05-11T06:39:42+00:00

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

Wrong.

They would prefer to date younger if they could (within reason which actually comes with a proven number, it's 23 except in some circles of really older guys - half his age plus 7).

Say they want a natural woman but go for girls with heavy makeup

Wrong again.

They would prefer to date a woman who was naturally beautiful without make up if they could. It just turns out that many women require makeup or think they require makeup in order to pass the looks threshold.

Both of these are just wrong at a fundamental level that misunderstands these issues entirely.

My example is when women lead with "No hookups" or say "I'm not trying to have sex tonight"

NataliaCaptions · 2023-05-11T12:54:16+00:00

The difference is that men date who they can get. They want younger but can't have them so they settle.

Women say they want reliable men... but actually go for the men who arent... then settle for the reliable billy because they can't make the bad boy commit

Shebalied · 2023-05-11T13:11:35+00:00

Women who only care about personality, then point out none of the guys that talk to them are attractive.

lmao a story as old as time.

ALexusOhHaiNyan · 2023-05-11T14:22:57+00:00

Men want younger women, getting them is another matter. Otherwise this is pretty solid.

Blondefairy25 · 2023-05-11T15:24:07+00:00

I think what people really want and what they can actually get is a very different story

CP_137 · 2023-05-11T21:05:52+00:00

Eh lol you're probably not very experienced in the romance department. Fact is there's more short dudes than tall dudes and somehow everyone bangs.

Know what I mean? These standards people talk about online doesn't really factor in real life

2abetterwhy · 2023-05-11T09:16:55+00:00

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

I feel like most men mean this one though! Most are not able to secure a younger woman.

Chikoswe2022 · 2023-05-11T07:03:55+00:00

Women:

Will say they want a man who is in touch with his emotions, yet most men who've been open with their women about their vulnerabilities and insecurities report that these women either lose respect or outright weaponize those feelings. However, men that have remained stoic to the point of absurdity report no such things.
Will say confidence is the only thing that matters, but exclude confident men if they don't possess other qualities such as height, looks, status or intelligence.

Men:

Will say women's standards are unrealistic and yet behave in almost the same way when sex ratios are in their favour (at least for long term relationships.)
Will say that they don't want women with high n-counts, yet complain about how hard it is to get laid in the modern era.

KirthWGersen · 2023-05-11T05:59:00+00:00

Most people will take what they can get.

But, yes, there is often a difference between stated preferences and revealed preferences. We know this is true in all areas of human life, not just sexual relationships.

Affectionate_Pen_623 · 2023-05-11T10:35:07+00:00

I'm noticing already people are saying that men claim that they want low partner counts and yet date women on the opposite end of the sociosexualtiy spectrum. This is true. I've done it myself when younger...BUT a lot of this comes down to options (or a lack thereof) When I was 23 and a broke student I dated a 28 year old woman with a partner count in the 100s. I put up with it because I was getting regular sex. I mean I wasn't even short of options but she was one of them women who kinda "stuck there" and thus was someone I would fall back on.

However, I stopped seeing her and by the time I was 27, in a better position financially and behaviourally (over looked great since like 22 but only really understood women by my late twenties) I ended up with a 21 year old whose been with very few men.

I say that to say, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Conversations about sexual history are natural and most men merely put up with revelations of their partners being promiscuous in their past. Given the choice (or options) men will actively pursue women with less sexual experience.

slavicslothe · 2023-05-11T10:41:08+00:00

Red pill dudes say they don’t care if a woman has a career while simultaneously screeching about how woman are trying to take their money.

Can’t have it both ways dude.

James_Cruse · 2023-05-11T10:05:03+00:00

The reasons for what these people want:

Women go for tall men because they like DOMINANT men that make them feel small & feminine and powerful - it’s not about “looks” per se. They also see men that are larger than average as having higher status due to being bigger than OTHER men around. Women like men that are better than other men and have MORE STATUS than other men. It’s not really so much about looks.
Women don’t go for “bad boys” per se - they go for men who view themselves as higher status than the girl in question. So that man then behaves higher status than that woman by not really caring about her, not getting attached to her, leading her, etc etc.

For Men:

Most men settle for their best option - that they can see. This explains why men go for women their own age and women who wear alot of make-up.
Men generally don’t know alot of women that are much younger than them so you they then don’t get the opportunity to date them.
Usually the men you see with women their own age - they both met and got together when they were both young; at school or university. It’s not because he “couldn’t get a younger woman” - he got a younger woman when he was also young and they’re together 10 years/20 years later.

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OpticalEpilepsy · 2023-05-11T06:08:33+00:00

Men say they want skinny women but include non skinny women if they are full figured like Serene Williams

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2023-05-11T06:39:24+00:00

Men and women who say they want trait "A" and select for trait "Z" lack any form of introspection and that's the problem with 99% of relationships.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-05-11T06:54:09+00:00

When a guy I know said his biggest fear was dating a cheater, then gets cheated on and stayed and simped. He definitely lost my respect for that in a big way

Orangematcha · 2023-05-11T08:31:30+00:00

I feel like these questions are all over generalized. No one is gonna say anything negative about themselves. Men and women wouldn’t posing themselves in a bad light like that. For inner and outer perspective’s.

Pointing them out is pretty easy for both and it’s not really beneficial to bring up as preferences vary person to person. Different strokes for difference folks

jobbo321 · 2023-05-11T10:14:34+00:00

Most women say they want an intelligent guy who listens and is respectful, yet most go for a dominant loudmouth who takes initiative and leads.

These don't have to be contrasting, what I'm saying is that women say they find a certain aspect important, despite the other being more important.

_here_ok · 2023-05-11T12:07:59+00:00

These are things that go for both of them.

Respectful when they mean obedient

Kind when they mean well mannered

Confident when they mean Ambitious

Support when they mean protection

The list can go on.

odd_cloud · 2023-05-11T13:16:50+00:00

For women: saying they look for a caring and loving man, but go for a tall, handsome, and charismatic guy who's not into her. Often this guy is disrespectful to her, and in some cases is just abusive.

sweetestpineapple · 2023-05-11T16:11:11+00:00

Men: say they care more about personality and that looks don’t matter. What they mean is that looks don’t matter for sex, but they’re still gonna treat hot women better and somehow have preferences that conform exactly to conventional attractiveness.

Women: claim to want a softer, less abusive love but cling onto abusive relationships and make no steps to leave. I have friends in this situation. It’s not their fault; a lot of them can’t leave for financial reasons but are also very much in love/attached to these awful men.

ChekadosDeslazados · 2023-05-11T22:04:52+00:00

I’m actually curious if this is a generational issue or not.

I’m 18 and my girlfriend’s 17. She liked me because I’m emotionally open, I listen to her, and I’m cute by her standard because I’m not trying to be manly.

Conversely, I liked her because she’s emotionally open, allows me to be emotionally open, listens to me, and is cute - straight-up.

This is just my experience, I know that. But it seems so jarring that people like, voluntarily join toxic relationships and look for toxic traits in potential partners? Why is that? Is it like a social thing?

BrunoBR34 · 2023-05-11T22:40:01+00:00

I've always found excessive makeup disgusting. Always been a fan of naturals.

Teflon08191 · 2023-05-11T22:52:09+00:00

When women say they want an "equal partner" but get mad at you for sleeping on the "safe" side of the bed or walking on the "safe" side of the sidewalk or for ordering your food before them or not opening the car door for them or giving them your jacket and so on and so forth.

Redditcritic6666 · 2023-05-12T01:04:06+00:00

for men:

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

That's actually a suvivorship bias: men who date younger women are looking for flings and other short term fun. Men who are trying to settle down are looking for more of a stable relationship which means girls around their age.

Say they want a natural woman but go for girls with heavy makeup

all girls wear makeup and their face can change drastically between wearing and not wearing makeup. That speaks more about how advance cosmetic technology and tenique are.

For women:

Say it's about personality more than looks, then exclusively date taller guys

Girls always want to date taller guys who are nice to them. Girls are more likely to give taller guy a chance even if they are jerks. Girls will not date shorter guys unless they have significant advantages in other areas.

Say guys should be sweet and vulnerable, but regularly pick emotionally unavailable bad boys

Girls have the fix-'em syndrome. They want to turn bad boys into good boys. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

Ok_Entrepreneur2931 · 2023-05-12T06:32:07+00:00

Say they want young women but most guys actually date around their age

This doesn't mean they're lying, maybe young women don't want them......

Say they want a natural woman but go for girls with heavy makeup

Real shit. Guys think light makeup/natural-looking makeup is no makeup, leading them to significantly overestimate the beauty of most women.

Spyro7x3 · 2023-05-12T06:53:12+00:00

My ex used to tell me she was into me because of my kindness. I am kind generally but I was a double felon with arson and battery charges lol. I'm also 6'2, tan and recklessly confident. In a weird way I want it to be true that she valued me for my kindness towards others but idk if it was truly the case.

SkookumTree · 2023-05-12T22:14:04+00:00

Men SAY they want these agreeable submissive women... but then wind up with average women or even disagreeable ones. They go for and often prefer disagreeable bitches.

ruminajaali · 2023-05-13T06:06:07+00:00

On your point about women “going for” emotionally unavailable men, welp, there are so many of those types out there, it’s mad difficult to avoid one; and while the times are changing, the majority of men have been raised to be such and women just pick the best of a bad lot.

Thankfully, that’s changing tho (the men being more emotionally available).

Title	In dating, whats the biggest - men/women say they want X, but their actions suggest otherwise?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	75
Comments	261
Date	May 11, 2023 5:17 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13edu14/in_dating_whats_the_biggest_menwomen_say_they/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/in-dating-whats-the-biggest-menwomen-say-they-want.1218959 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218959

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