Whenever the topic of abuse comes up, there is always men in the comments saying an abusive relationship is always the woman's fault, because she didn't "choose better."

The thing is, I don't think it's that easy to discern who's abusive and who's not. Most abusers don't start abusive, they start as normal, good men.

Ever hear of the "slow boil" experiment? Place a frog in a pot, the frog sits in the water. Turn the flame to low. the water warms, but only to room temp. Add 1/2 degree. The temp is barely changed, so the frog doesn't notice. add 1/2 degree. Same result.

+1/2

+1/2

+1/2

+1/2

+1/2

and so on.

The frog boils alive, because it never realizes the temperature rise, because it's so slow. By the time the water is too hot to survive, the frog is dead.

That's what abuse, typically, looks like. The man (or woman. Men are abused too.) starts off as normal. Then, over time, the abuser normalizes the abuse with small, innocent seeming acts that acclimate you to mistreatment. It can be extremely hard to recognize that this is the beginnings of abuse, especially if you're mentally ill or come from an abusive family.