What to do with the libido gap?

towerofcheeeeza · 2023-10-01T17:46:50+00:00

I'm a woman who has a higher libido than her male partner. It can be frustraring at times, not going to lie, and it was especially tough when we first moved in together. But this is my person and I love him so rather than make it a reason to leave we talked about reasonable expectations and what we could do to make sure both of us were happy. It took a lot of time, discussing, planning, and worked through it, but 5+ years into our relationship our sex life is actually the best it's ever been.

Sex does matter. To both women and men. I think that people who brush aside men's sexual desires are wrong, though it obviously depends on the circumstance. If my partner is working a crazy stressful job where he gets home, eats, and passes out immediately, then of course there'll be no time or energy for sex. And I would be a bitch for hounding him about it when he barely has time to breathe. But in that case maybe you need to evaluate stuff outside the bedroom. If a man is demanding his pregnant wife have sex when she's dealing with morning sickness then he'd be an absolute asshole. If my bf is too busy playing video games until 2am to have sex with me then that is a problem, but if I just went to bed at 8pm every night without spending time with my partner that'd be on me then.

Anyway, I think that the libido gap is really challenging but as someone who has dealt with it, it can be overcome but only if both parties are really willing to work on it together. And that does in fact mean compromising on both ends and sometimes planning or devising ways to help the situation. Like maybe planning around having time for morning sex on weekends is better. Or buying lingerie or toys to make things a little more fun. Not all couples and people are just ready to bang anytime anywhere, and that's okay.

throaway2s1fsfsf4 · 2023-10-01T12:23:52+00:00

What I find astounding is how different the response is when a woman reports not having enough sex- as if then it's a reason to just walk away if he can't provide the amount you want.

This is perfectly normal. I would be supportive of a man being frustrated about not having enough sex and I would be equally supportive of a man who is with a woman with high libido and feel like he can't satisfy her sexually.

Libido mismatch is always unfortunate, but it's also nobody's fault. For me it's very similar as when one partner wants children and the other doesn't. You can't compromise on that.

Yes with libido mismatch you can try to work it through, but if it doesn't work ultimately, you can either suck it up or break up, it really comes down to that (or in some rare cases opening up the relationship, but that's the exception really).

Muscletov · 2023-10-01T14:23:40+00:00

What strategy do I have other than talking it over?

Be attractive enough to get frequent casual sex, flings, FWBs or situationships. Next to attractiveness, novelty and excitement are the aphrodisiacs for women. Whereas in committed relationships it's all but guaranteed for the woman to decrease sex frequency and quality with cohabitation, marriage and childbirth being important checkpoints.

How come men are being shamed for turning sour when their needs are unmet or not taken seriously as if "that's how it is"?

The usual suspects.

Empathy gap: people simply don't care about men's wants, needs or wellbeing in general.
Women are Wonderful effect: female sexuality is rich, giving and something to be greatful for. Male sexuality is bothersome at best or predatory at worst.

Embarrassed-Tune9038 · 2023-10-01T13:57:24+00:00

Gender-bias is a real thing. Women's position on a thing is entirely based on what they benefit from.

If they benefit from a change, they seek change. If they benefit from it staying the same, they will fight tooth and nail to keep it the same.

It is wrong for a man to want more sex than women. It is wrong for men to want less sex than women.

It is wrong for a man to want slender women, or younger women, or what have you because some women won't be able to get with him. So she raises a stink and other women agree just in the basis of women good, men bad.

Tuatara77 · 2023-10-01T13:04:05+00:00

This is exactly the reason I don't wish to marry, even though you might have established sex as important for both parties early on this can just change like that.

Electrical-Beat-2232 · 2023-10-01T11:58:03+00:00

Men: Do more housework. Be more supportive. Take some of her mental load, help with the planning.

Women; Don't denigrate his desires. Sex is a healthy and natural urge to have. Don't shame him. Be a Good Giving and Game partner.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-10-01T11:52:27+00:00

Even though I would like it more than that, I certainly don't see having sex every three days as a "bad deal". If you have sexual expectations, it's on you to communicate them from the beginning. Otherwise there's no need to be sour about not getting this secret "deal" you wanted. And no, I'm not going to take anyone seriously for not having as much sex as they want, we can't all get everything we want all the time and I don't know what anyone else is expected to do about it. If you feel you need sexual release, your hand is right there, same as mine when I'm not having the amount of sex I want.

Electronic-Zucchini9 · 2023-10-01T19:22:37+00:00

What I find astounding is how different the response is when a woman reports not having enough sex

In my experience, whenever women are turned down for sex, they often go into full-on emotional meltdowns. If a man is sexually entitled, it's a problem. If a woman is sexually entitled, well, we don't even talk about that.

Sexual entitlement is shitty behavior, regardless of whether it's coming from a man or a woman. But as usual, the narrative gets reduced to "women good, men bad."

Sillysheila · 2023-10-01T21:49:50+00:00

I’m often the pouty partner. I learned though that being whiny or pressuring was not going to solve it. Honestly I feel like this is where most HL partners go wrong. Sometimes we feel so much desire it feels like an emergency but you have to remember your partner is a human. Not a sex doll.

Whenever sexual frequency goes down too much for my liking I bring it up but in a polite and respectful manner not an accusatory manner. I don’t approach the conversation as “I need more sex, or I’ll be very unhappy with you!” or “If we don’t have sex soon it’s going to be a problem”. I ask what my partner thinks is lowering sex drive and how we can possibly up sexual frequency. If it’s that we’re going out too much on the his day off or he’s too busy, we find ways to make him less busy. Is he too stressed; get an appointment with the psychiatrist. Problem with medication; change the dose, do other things lifestyle wise to be not so reliant on it.

I also think some lower libido partners including women need to understand if you’re going to have sexual monogamy especially then it makes sense to expect somewhat regular sex. If you have problems with establishing regular intimacy and sex, and you want to enter a long term monogamous relationship, then you need to be seeing someone about it and actively working on it. You can’t just not try to improve this while making a partner only commit to you sexually.

I don’t think sex is owed. However, at the same time, sex is a normal expectation of adult relationships and avoiding the sex problem, acting like your partner is just a pest for having normal sexual needs and expecting things to perfectly work out is really silly. It’s as bad in my view as forcing the lower libido partner to have more sex than they want and it’s more pervasive it seems.

grillopie · 2023-10-01T11:45:10+00:00

they’re 2 different people. a libido gap is likely at some point in a long relationship. dealing with it is part of going through a relationship. it doesn’t sound like either of them are good at it.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-10-01T15:34:28+00:00

In a long term relationship they will be times you have more sex or less sex, times one wants more than the other.

Complaining doesn’t help, far better to have a mature conversation. Is everything ok? Is there a reason your not in the mood?

Different people are different. I find when I’m too tired or we don’t get quality time together my sex drive dips.

My husband is mainly effected by being overly tired or stressed.

Knowing this we have regular date nights, often very low key stuff but time together. We go away just the two of us roughly every six weeks.

We also make sure we are intimate in a none sexual way regularly, a firm favourite is one of us giving the other a message.

Also listening to your partner, if my husband is stressed rather than moan he isn’t in the mood I’ll do what I can to make him feel better.

odd_cloud · 2023-10-01T12:30:51+00:00

I have read this thread and I’m questioning if the majority of women there actually liked men they lived with. Their consumer attitude towards those men is so painfully obvious. Like, they don’t understand what’s happening in their relationships. I wonder if they are just dismissive or borderline asexual.

I especially liked those comments about guys who sighed after they were rejected. They are similar to a comment like “My wife cries because I speak to her once a week. All this whining makes me want to see her even less”. Like, these women got what supposedly women want: vulnerability and treating sex as more than sex. Once they got it, now it’s bad apparently.

bruhminer · 2023-10-01T14:32:22+00:00

Women don't find most men attractive, we already know this, so it's inevitable a lot of them end up in relationships with men they don't really want to fuck.

How do you fix this ? You can't, I mean women will want commitment and chad, they can always have both, for them the "solution" would be polygamy which I think were gonna reach eventually but that will trun even more men into incels.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-10-01T14:05:48+00:00

I’ve done posts on this before, but I think the libido argument is largely bullshit.

Let’s put aside a guy gaining weight or becoming lazier than the standard he set early on because to some degree this happens at the same rate on both ends.

A) the sex was never that great. Many men truly believe deep down a woman wouldn’t marry them if the sex isn’t top tier. This is a delusion. Give women an experience they’ve never had before or would be tough to replicate with another guy? Libido problem magically disappears. I’ve had women I haven’t talked to in 5 plus years come out of the woodwork to “see how I’m doing” for very much the same reason.

B) somewhat related, she settled for the dude and the sex early on was a means to an end. Not saying they are conscious about this or do it menacingly, but it’s funny how many women marry the “guy I don’t typically go for!” And boom, dead bedroom a few years in. It’s not rocket science.

ViolentMagician1 · 2023-10-01T16:30:11+00:00

Find a woman that is more attracted to you. The libido gap doesn’t exist when she thinks you’re hot. These women likely settled for a guy who wasn’t their first choice in terms of looks.

flosterjenkins · 2023-10-01T22:40:29+00:00

Women are not defective men and vice versa. our libidos are lower than those of men and it's just the biological reality. There is no "right" libido besides the libido you personally want. if you are mismatched on how clean the house needs to be, or how much sex to have, you either compromise and talk it through, or you leave.

Tbf if your partner actually wants to improve her libido.. there are options but she does have to want it.

63daddy · 2023-10-01T12:29:31+00:00

If it’s a small difference suck it up. People have their differences but overall date women with similar libidos. I find if we start with the same libido but all of a sudden a libido gap appears, there’s something else going on that’s creating that.

fucksiclepizza · 2023-10-01T19:09:00+00:00

I think it's pretty simple, if your wife/partner isn't in the mood, go rub one out in the bathroom instead of throwing a tantrum. I can understand a woman not wanting to fuck her partner if anytime she's not in the mood he sulks like a child.

1Here4Bach · 2023-10-01T13:06:28+00:00

Males want to do everything but be hot for their wife. They gain 50lbs, stop take care of themselves, become a lazy lover and wonder why their wife is trying to find an excuse not to sleep with him.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-10-01T14:02:38+00:00

Lol I swear men on this forum have absolutely no emotional intelligence...it's why you all struggle so much. Way to leave out OP the woman in this scenario has a full time job with a young child and he doesn't work full time...plus the man here says she needs to be "sexy 24/7"...this woman is exhausted and he is a man child. Sex every 3 days is GOOD with a young child. I wouldnt want to have sex at all with a guy like this if I were her. I actually really hope you men continue to struggle, I feel genuinely sorry for any woman you lock down and have kids with 😳😟 edit: the woman in that link also said he watches porn alot...this explains his view on how women should be sexy 24/7

lacuti3 · 2023-10-01T14:26:18+00:00

I told my man he can sleep with other women if he’s not happy with our frequency or kinkiness

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-10-01T14:24:05+00:00

The responses are almost universally not complaining that the husband (or boyfriend or whomever) has a problem with the lack of sex, it's how they approach it. Moping when sex doesn't happen, comparing them to other women, making no effort to make the woman feel sexy, etc.

AceOfSpadesGymBro · 2023-10-01T11:21:56+00:00

The easiest way to make a woman horny for you is to let her subtly know that other women are circling around you and she has competition. The more fierce the competition for your dick, the more she will make sure to please you. Brutal? Sure, but it's nature baby. Nature is metal.

thisreallyisnotok · 2023-10-01T17:57:05+00:00

I dated a HL (high libido) woman for 6 years. She never cheated. I suggested an open relationship for her to fuck other guys at one point but she refused. I’m a 3-4 times a week kind of guy, but maybe slightly below on average, so I’m not the horniest guy.

I did not enjoy having someone throw tantrums if I refused sex. I’d much rather be on other side and jerk off if my partner doesn’t want to get me off.

But here are my tips:

Foreplay isn’t something you just do in the bedroom, literally the time you’re not having sex that isn’t serious is a time for foreplay. PDA is foreplay. When you go out on a dinner date, you should have already put the thought in her head that you’re going to fuck her later. Normally I like to drive with one hand on her thigh. On the way home it’s probably under the skirt. I kind of recommend safe PDA practice. My HL ex grabbed my ass as a way to announce her presence to me in public which led to an awkward situation with her grabbing some other man’s ass in public.
This dovetails with the previous but have spontaneous sex every now and then. Initiate sometimes when she’s gross and sweaty, she might be like “ewww let me clean up” but she’ll still love that you wanted to have sex when she wasn’t all done up. This will make your PDA and foreplay more potent as well. It will keep her on her toes because maybe your PDA will lead to sex or maybe it won’t. The advantage of having spontaneous sex is that it gives you more opportunity to tease your partner. Do the same things that led to sex before but don’t have sex. I find that this makes my partners beg which I find hot (unless they’re needy).
Multiple orgasm/simultaneous orgasm. Women are interesting in that the first orgasm is harder to reach than the second one and successive ones. If you can make your partner cum (if you don’t then I don’t know if any of this matters) then you can give her multiple. I also don’t know why, but women treat simultaneous orgasms as some kind of special bonding moment. Perhaps this is a bit of an ask because some probably can’t do this if they tried but it’s definitely a strong sexual bonding moment. I also think my ex just got addicted to the sensation of getting creampied while cumming. Tbh it was just sort of painful for me. Not much room left.
Do dishes and laundry lol lots of women lose sexual interest in their men because women’s libido is strangely tied to their feeling of harmony in their living space.

Hope this helps

WowYouMustBeJoking · 2023-10-01T20:08:29+00:00

LOL all she needs to do is bring another girl. It's funny how they are all for equity and giving more to those who have less, but when it comes to their own life they won't do it. Obviously when 2 people want different amounts of sex but only 1 of them gets what they want, that's not a compromise.

Freethinker312 · 2023-10-01T15:33:13+00:00

What I find astounding is how different the response is when a woman reports not having enough sex- as if then it's a reason to just walk away if he can't provide the amount you want.

Please give your source for this. Is the situation really similar to the situation in the link you provided or are you just bullshitting? How many women are complaining that their fulltime working husband with children isn't "sexy" 24/7 and doesn't want daily sex? Where are all the women encouraging/supporting a woman in such a situation to just walk away? Please show me, or stop being so misleading here.

Dry-Cricket3524 · 2023-10-01T16:58:13+00:00

Your strategy should be finding someone with a similar libido. Me and my partner are both female. We fuck like rabbits. Fucking till we are completely sore kinda fucking. I wouldn't have been nearly decently happy if I only had sex once or twice a week, neither would she. Find yourself someone with high libido. End of story. Save yourself and your partner the misery.

LotBuilder · 2023-10-01T17:54:43+00:00

There really isn’t a libido gap… they are just not attracted to you. After a break up their libido will be just fine.

Strict_Decision_8449 · 2023-10-02T10:09:02+00:00

I've heard the "women don't owe you sex" response spit out often

But when I heard a woman mention "husband is withholding sex," it was met with kind responses. Not from me of course, called her a pig and told her she isn't owed sex. Got blocked with no response lol. Women love to dish out insults purely because they inherit power, but can't handle it in return.

soontobesolo · 2023-10-01T12:41:43+00:00

Maybe it needs to become more socially acceptable again for men to have other girlfriends or mistresses, if their wives are no longer interested in as much sex. (Also applies when reversing the genders)

It's either that or the man just deals with it (not really fair to him), or they break up (and usually a financial disaster for the man).

People shouldn't have to live unhappy lives when there are ready solutions.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2023-10-01T17:16:26+00:00

The difference is, on average, men want sex more often in an established relationship. This means that when sexually unfulfilled, leaving and finding a new relationship would solve the issue for a woman but not for a man. For this reason, it's completely reasonable that ths advice men and women get would be different.

indaknffr · 2023-10-01T11:30:45+00:00

Have older men date younger women so the libidos match

Gitsumrestmf · 2023-10-01T12:49:14+00:00

I think it's not so much a "libido gap", as much just a man failing to create the mood for sex. To turn her on, in other words. Dudes out there asking for it as a favour, or as some "obligation", being needy, etc. That's how you kill the mood.

What you call "libido gap" is just the guy utterly not knowing how to handle the relationship and killing her attraction for him.

benzbugatti · 2023-10-01T15:37:26+00:00

My gf didn't want to have sex more than once a week, so I'm now cheating on the side and my libido has crashed during for actual relationship and now I go to sleep at 9 PM every night intentionally so we don't have sex and she has to get herself off alone.

Life is good.

FrostyTits82 · 2023-10-01T21:20:59+00:00

If you're getting a bad deal of course you'd be sour, just like how women complain about doing more of the housework.

Pleasing yourself with a woman's body is not quite the same thing as doing housework, honey. We are not your walking fleshlights. You can feel as upset about it as you want, nobody is saying you can't, but when you treat a woman badly because she doesn't want sex, then you're being a disgusting person. If how you treat a woman is based on what you're getting from her, you're a gross person. If you're attempting to manipulate her into giving you what you want, you're a gross person. This really is not that hard to understand, and until you guys start to understand it, you're simply going to be given less and less-- and probably eventually left.

ratboi34 · 2023-10-01T11:25:50+00:00

Modern men really don't understand how to treat females anymore. Women don't like it when the man is needy and complaining about not getting sex will kill her sexual desires even more. Men back then knew what to do. They just banged some hoe and came back home with a smile in their face and a bouqet of flowers. They understood sex differences and accepted them instead of complaining.

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Jason_Kinkade · 2023-10-01T17:22:05+00:00

I am a high libido man, but the women I date, with no exception, always have a higher libido.

Firm_Shirt_2553 · 2023-10-01T17:47:18+00:00

Hookers

Safinated · 2023-10-01T19:18:44+00:00

Drugs, or surgery, or being less desperate/simpy/offensive/unattractive

CouchCandy · 2023-10-01T21:55:14+00:00

I got annihilated as far as downvotes on that thread are concerned just for being high drive.

But I think that whenever you're on a thread that has a lot of one type of person you're going to hear a lot of people back up your grievance.

I'm a high drive woman and I don't find myself to be very unique in that respect. I also know a lot of high drive women.

It's kind of like when I come to purple pill debate and see a bunch of guys sounding like complete ass hats talking about how all women are this or all women are that and I remind myself that most of the men I know aren't that foolish or ignorant. (This is not a shot at the OP of this thread btw).

Studies show women tend to have a bit lower drive so this particular thread is based on truth. Unlike the insane amount of posts on the subreddit that just sound like an unhinged person who despises women wrote them.

Yomzie_hun · 2023-10-01T21:57:20+00:00

Why is it the other way for me

_here_ok · 2023-10-01T23:17:13+00:00

I don't think it's a libido gap but an assumption of intent and value. I feel like when it comes to sex, men are assumed to be preying on a woman. As in he only values and demands sex from her. Meanwhile it is assumed that a woman isn't preying on her man but requesting something she "needs".

Many people don't question a man having libido but they always question his intent when doing an action and if that action is motivated by his libido.

In terms of advice for your situation, just communicate why you want sex. What you'd like to do with her and if she'll be willing to do it at any time. Better yet schedule it and make sure she is comfortable and eager to it as well. No one is obligated to have sex but if both want it at some point then better to arrange things instead of acting in the moment. Acting in the moment is acting without consideration. Planning can help build up motivation.

obviousredflag · 2023-10-02T09:23:19+00:00

What strategy do I have other than talking it over?

Pick a woman who has a similar libido as you. Was that so hard?

DangZagnutsNewSon · 2023-10-02T10:37:48+00:00

It doesn't exist. Women have the ability to get aroused more frequently and have sex more often. How do I know this? I biologically have female sex organs that I was born with. I cum ten times a day. Men can't do that. I'm 35. Men my age especially or older can not keep up to save their lives. They only think in their imaginations that they would enjoy frequent sex. When presented with the reality the nope out in a day. Most women aren't as sexual as me because most men aren't sexy. Why are women so sexy? Because men get to be dominant when they have sex with women. Women secretly have the desire to be dominate as well. But society doesn't allow them to express it. So they don't express it. Or even want to. Who can blame them? Not me that's for sure.

Key-Faithlessness-29 · 2023-10-02T11:44:18+00:00

The easiest way is to kill your libido and make her want it more by being totally off put. Once she hits 35 your gf/wife will have an increase in libido and then she wants it more and you become petty

Key-Faithlessness-29 · 2023-10-02T12:12:47+00:00

One thing every man can do is let women approach them. When their gf is super into them all of their problems would turn around and benefit them. But these men are too ✨ masculine ✨ to let a woman approach them saying shi like "as a man i should lead. She should be feminine and submissive"

lionstigersbearsyay · 2023-10-03T08:57:03+00:00

I do it even when I'm not in the mood sometimes. Imo my partner does a lot for me so I honestly don't mind it. I want the relationship to work.

Title	What to do with the libido gap?
Author	FirsToStrike
Upvotes	64
Comments	375
Date	October 1, 2023 10:52 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/16wy2cf/what_to_do_with_the_libido_gap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-to-do-with-the-libido-gap.1233647 https://theredarchive.com/post/1233647

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