Q4W: How much of the sex you have is sex you didnt necessarily want?

GridReXX · 2021-10-06T02:21:57+00:00

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sootlord · 2021-10-06T09:24:32+00:00

I'm commenting about "Duty BlowJobs" I can't believe thats a thing.

Ppdebateismental · 2021-10-06T01:19:04+00:00

Btw op…..good topic…one of the few discussions where we might actually learn something about each other and how we experience sex.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-10-05T23:22:31+00:00

It's hard to say because my libido is almost completely reactive. I rarely actively/spontaneously want sex unless he initiates but once he does I get into it pretty quickly most of the time. So I guess it depends on how you define "want."

pineapplecak · 2021-10-05T23:44:10+00:00

I'm in an LTR and he's my first sex partner. There's lots of duty BJs but they're always enthusiastic, we both enjoy it. Sometimes I don't feel well or I'm not horny and we do it anyway. But usually the act of doing it turns me on and I'll enjoy it regardless. It's usually all welcome. Been over 2 years and I don't have any complaints. He never pressures me, and he reciprocates.

philomexa · 2021-10-05T23:12:56+00:00

About 30% with previous boyfriends, however my husband and I have enthusiastic/desired/wanted PIV as a rule and duty BJs when I'm on my period (I'd like to have PIV then as well, but he has trauma-aversion to blood).

AwkwardDisaster4150 · 2021-10-05T22:46:37+00:00

About 98% of the sex I had before age 30 was sex I didn’t really want, after age 30 it’s been about 15%.

ashpr0ulx · 2021-10-05T22:59:04+00:00

0%. i don’t do duty sex.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-10-05T22:41:21+00:00

Across all partners... maybe 30-40%?

Cuntwaffe3 · 2021-10-06T00:54:39+00:00

0

Edit: What is with these "duty blowjobs"? Are there any men that have "duty cunnilingus"?

funlightmandarin · 2021-10-06T11:17:41+00:00

I don't have sex with my partner that I'm not enthusiastic about. He doesn't have sex with me that he's not enthusiastic about.

We behave like adults and use our words if we don't want to have sex that night.

riskykitten1207 · 2021-10-06T03:53:44+00:00

Less than 1%. I have a reasonably high sex drive and I initiate most of the time. I can’t keep my hands off my husband a lot of the time.

TodTheRod01 · 2021-10-05T23:01:22+00:00

The 2 times I had sex with my ex after he gained weight. It was gross.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-10-05T23:21:44+00:00

10-20%, usually within the context of a relationship. I wouldn't go out of my way to please a ONS or FWB.

TomorrowsWar · 2021-10-05T23:01:57+00:00

why would you ask this 😰 stresses me out

This was 50% the case from when I was 19 - 25.

I did not really like sex, I was really squeamish and felt an immense amount of pressure and shame for ever even having sex. My family is very traditional so I had a lot of that baggage.

After I had my first real heartbreak I think that’s when I started to actually want sex, but it was very much tied to wanting validation. I still didn’t like it much. Then I met someone great and began to enjoy it, I learned a lot with him and it was great. So from 25 onwards I wanted it 90% of the time

my hormones caught up with me now and I’m like a teenage boy at this point. I know what I like now and I don’t care about shame and all that nonsense now, I do what I like when I want to. It’s great

womandatory · 2021-10-06T14:04:50+00:00

Things my partner has done for me when I’m unwell, stressed, have had period cramps, suffered bouts of insomnia, or not been in the mood for sex when he has been horny: - given me a massage. - brought me flowers and chocolate and spooned me all night. - run me a bubble bath and lit candles and sat on a chair/mat next to the bath drinking wine and topping up my glass / put Netflix on my laptop and did something else for himself / left me with a book while he cleaned up the kitchen or hung laundry. - cooked me a meal I loved. - organized a really physical activity for us both where we could throw ourselves into it and burn off all the negative energy. - listened to me whinge for an hour on the phone while one of us was interstate for work until I got over it. - organized a drinks/movie night out/in for me with three of my best friends and left us alone. - held me. - brought me really damn nice champagne. - ordered take-away and covered 100% of my domestic chores until I was better. - called in sick for me to work. - picked up work for me when I wasn’t allowed in the office during isolation. - answered my phone calls and texts while I was dealing with a family emergency.

Guess how many of those things he did to get sex in return? None. Guess how many of those things resulted in me actually wanting to bang him senseless even if I physically couldn’t? Almost all of them except the few times I was physically injured or really sick. Guess how much sex he’d have got if he’d whinged about hiS nEedS, or insisted on, or expected sex? None, he’d be single, because people aren’t mastubatory objects or sex vending machines. Kindness, love and care often results in sex because it’s a massive turn on for women from a man they’re involved with.

And yes, I’ve done many of the same things and some different things for him. We’ve often found ourselves having sex when one or the other was less enthused to begin with, because being treated like a person who matters and being loved and feeling desired even when you feel vile is a wonderful thing, but neither of us would have sex because of expectation of duty because that renders the relationship transactional and it totally kills desire. There was even one time he was sick with a really bad flu but on the mend and I was just coming down with it and we still had sex, albeit fevered and slow and shaky, because hot damn, I just want to be with him.

We’ve even (often and especially) had sex after or during an argument, because we’re able to separate the problem from the person and find ways to connect (including sexually) in the short term while an issue remains unsolved.

My partner and I know each other well enough that either of us can tell if it’s safe to ask if sex is out of the question without the other going nuclear. But if the answer is ‘no, you’re an asshole for even asking’ or ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ or ‘are you kidding me right now?’, then we both also know that’s an unequivocal NO, but also that no harm was done by asking, because there have been times when I’ve been furious with something he did or said, and when he was really angry about a choice I made, when the fury was lit, and yet when that question was asked, it broke the ice, enabled us to put the issue aside and come back to it later when we were both better able to deal with it because we could also make our connection with each other more important than the problem and hell, it’s easier to solve a problem together than it is separately.

If there any doubt, it’s a no. If there’s a lack of enthusiasm, it’s a no. If one of you is sick, injured or in pain, it’s a no. There are far better, more rewarding things you can do with and for a partner than expect sex from them or give sex to them out of a feeling of responsibility. Doing those things instead will strengthen your relationship and increase the chance of unexpected horniness and at the same time increase respect, desire, loyalty, care and all the good shit that should be part of a relationship.

Duty sex will at some point fuel resentment and there is no greater killer of desire in any relationship than resentment.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-10-06T04:43:18+00:00

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luckecage · 2021-10-06T09:42:52+00:00

Ever other day would be great.

AquaChip · 2021-10-06T13:12:08+00:00

0%. I don’t participate in sex I don’t want.

civil_scientist · 2021-10-06T15:27:16+00:00

Over the course of my life? I would say about 80%. Mostly because I was in a 10 year relationship where the sex was initially great and then he just....stopped trying? Stopped listening to my (very gentle) requests for things that would actually get me off. He was always talking about sex being his primary form of feeling close to me so I kept doing my part for him. Took me a long time after we broke up to even consider wanting sex again...

My current partner, on the other hand, is incredible when it comes to hearing my needs. It has been an absolute joy to throw myself into making him the happiest man alive (sexually and otherwise) because I know it will come back to me in the most amazing ways <3

simeneta_two · 2021-10-05T22:51:36+00:00

PIV sex rarely but I’ve given the occasional duty BJ

Ppdebateismental · 2021-10-06T01:16:26+00:00

keep them happy. 10%

because you felt it was expected of you 0%. never had a partner pressure me

you otherwise didnt feel enthusiastic about. …this one is complicated. If it’s a no go, I genuinely don’t feel well. That’s a 0%. If it a meh, maybe, and he can get me physically responsive and it’s tender and comfortable? 20%. Lots of slow, lazy, morning sex like this. I actually enjoy this kind of sex a lot in its own way, more for the cuddles and less for the sex.

DreamsOfWishes · 2021-10-06T03:52:47+00:00

Everything added up? Like 80%?

Gotta say though, I had a period where I went from high libido to low libido through an ailment and that shit wasn't discovered for years.

vial_of_music · 2021-10-06T06:12:20+00:00

Never had sex I didn’t want. I do recognize though how common this is for a lot of young women and I really feel for them.

BecretAlbatross · 2021-10-05T23:53:41+00:00

Good thread. Informative.

merlinscalculator · 2021-10-06T00:01:54+00:00

I have literally never had sex I didn’t want to have. I don’t have a crazy high sex drive I just haven’t ever thought of having sex to keep my SO happy.

rosesonthefloor · 2021-10-06T06:21:08+00:00

I’ve had a solid amount (maybe 20-30%?) of sex where I either wasn’t really into it and just did it for him, felt somewhat uncomfortable with things but didn’t want to stop, or just because I didn’t feel like it but also didn’t feel like I had a good reason to say no.

I usually get into it after it starts though, plus it’s kinda a kink of mine, so 🤷🏼‍♀️ oh well.

Throwaway230306 · 2021-10-06T13:41:45+00:00

Before kids, maybe 15%. After kids, 60%? I still want to satisfy my husband, I have no qualms about having sex when I myself am not aroused.

I don't see how you can have a sex life in a marriage/LTR with kids if a woman refuses to have "duty" sex.

kissmetilyouredrunk · 2021-10-05T22:52:44+00:00

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NarniaFox · 2021-10-06T02:04:37+00:00

When I was a teen, it was ~25% I guess. We didn't have regular sex, as we just didn't have the place, so when we had an opportunity we were doing it all day long and at some point I just got exhausted, but didn't tell him about it. We both learnt to be more vocal about our needs later on, so now we don't have more sex than I can take and enjoy.

Overall I'm closer to reactive arousal, so most times when he wants it, I get into the mood too just after some kissing and making out. If I'm not 100% there, I can give him a BJ, but usually at this point I get aroused myself so we have sex. Although spontaneous arousal isn't that rare for me either.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-10-06T08:19:52+00:00

Let's see... I pretty much never have that. Usually if I'm really sick. Or if I'm really, really exhausted, like I'm falling asleep kind of thing. It's not that you don't enjoy it, it's that you're half asleep throughout the sex.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-10-06T13:48:36+00:00

Maybe 20% all together. With my last partner 95%. I used to have a high libido but my last partner got really fat and it just died. I think I’m still a little traumatized.

towerofcheeeeza · 2021-10-05T23:11:31+00:00

Probs none. I have a higher sex drive than my bf actually so I'm often the one pushing for it

SaBahRub · 2021-10-05T23:52:11+00:00

I am/was almost never horny before my partner(s) are/were. The one exception was me being used, possibly as a beard

kcam3114 · 2021-10-06T00:04:07+00:00

Anything that starts with “now ask guys” is from a person that needs therapy. It’s possible for people In the internet to have a conversation that isn’t about your issues.

Novadina · 2021-10-06T02:36:41+00:00

Zero.

s00perhan5 · 2021-10-06T06:59:27+00:00

A few times as a teenager I was pressured into sex/drunk. And with my first relationship, I had sex with him a few times leading up to officially breaking up which I also didn't want.

That was about eight years ago now. As a rule of thumb - I only have sex when I'm horny and like the guy.

januaryphilosopher · 2021-10-06T11:25:16+00:00

None. I have a higher sex drive than my partner and to avoid him having sex that he doesn't want he's the only one who initiates (I do most of the initiating for anything but sex). If I'm not up for it for whatever reason, I'll just say.

deste_eloise · 2021-10-05T23:19:04+00:00

0%, because fuck that!

ohdiddly · 2021-10-06T03:44:07+00:00

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blue_dandelions · 2021-10-06T07:37:06+00:00

Like 5% but by the time it states I’m so horny idgaf

Cimorene86 · 2021-10-06T08:44:12+00:00

None. My libido is higher than my sex partner's, and I'd love it if he wanted it as much as me. I've never had sex that I wasn't already wanting because I inherently want it all the time. This is why he can show up to my apartment just to play videogames and I'm already imagining ways to get him in my bed lol.

Kizka · 2021-10-06T13:45:23+00:00

None. BJs on the other hand... ;) not that I didn't 'want' it pet se, I love to make my partner happy. But I could go live the rest of my life without ever giving BJs and I won't be missing a thing.

superlurkage · 2021-10-06T14:49:24+00:00

If you mean, how often did I want sex enough to initiate completely voluntarily? Less than 5% of the time.

ayeayefitlike · 2021-10-06T19:48:48+00:00

Honestly, I’ve never actually had ended up having sex that I didn’t want to have. Even with my fiancé (who I’ve had the most sex with of anyone ever so has the most data points!).

I have definitely pushed myself a bit when I wasn’t totally in the mood, but if I didn’t get into it before the actual sex part came along I’d have said to him I wasn’t feeling it and call it a day. I’d expect him to do the same - I’d hate it if he wasn’t enjoying it and just making himself go through with it.

I’ve had sex where I’ve enjoyed it but it’s going on a bit too long and I’m getting less into it, and then I will keep going to a point before calling it. Doesn’t happen often, usually only if he’s been drinking and I haven’t.

But I do have a higher libido than my fiancé so this may not be representative of relationships where it’s the other way round.

Reisiluu · 2021-10-06T22:15:09+00:00

Never. What even is this question.

The day I have unenthusiastic sex with anyone I need to have a long hard look at the things that are wrong in my life.

JacobMoogberg69 · 2021-10-08T03:13:14+00:00

I've wanted all the sex I've gotten but it doesn't mean zi always came back for seconds.

Flowerlady555 · 2021-10-08T23:44:18+00:00

Its okay to need stimulation to get arousal first. Imagine if men acted like it was a tragedy that their partner wants to have sex when he isnt already hard. That's what foreplay is for. Its ok to just let your partner know what turns you on.

jenaemare · 2021-10-09T08:03:44+00:00

1 year and a half of my last relationship was sex I didn't want because my partner was high libido and threatened to cheat on me if I didn't fulfill his needs. I'm still traumatized from this 3 years later & angry at myself for putting myself through this and not leaving at the first threat.

Title	Q4W: How much of the sex you have is sex you didnt necessarily want?
Author	YoMamaz_azz
Upvotes	42
Comments	375
Date	October 5, 2021 10:17 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/q270v2/q4w_how_much_of_the_sex_you_have_is_sex_you_didnt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-how-much-of-the-sex-you-have-is-sex-you-didnt.1077179 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077179

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