Does having a 'hoe phase' come from a place of pain?

hannahg000 · 2023-08-03T18:46:12+00:00

i’m coming at this as a virgin so i definitely don’t have any experience with a “hoe phase” but i think it depends on how a woman defines it whether it’s fun or unhealthy. having a few hookups here and there can be very fun. however, dangerous promiscuity, bordering on self-harm is unhealthy and a trauma response.

Clementinequeen95 · 2023-08-03T18:19:15+00:00

People literally just want to have fun. For most it’s not that deep other than being fun and feeling good.

Icy_Ordinary2025 · 2023-08-03T18:39:54+00:00

Depends on the person and their life. For me, it's been an A at one point. And B at another point. A again at another point. Generally, though, comes from a place of wanting to have and enjoy sex.

but I get the impression that women typically don't enjoy their hoe phases for whatever reason

Definitely depends on the person. I enjoyed my hoe phase, as did most of the women I know.

MistyMaisel · 2023-08-03T18:41:18+00:00

It's often both being honest about the women I knew who did the hoe phase thing. Some of them were just having fun and some had bigger issues, I would say more had bigger issues than were just having fun, but even the ones with bigger issues were having some fun. And the ones having some fun had some bigger issues too.

mlo9109 · 2023-08-03T19:21:51+00:00

I've been through a lot of shit (bullying as a kid, divorced parents, SA, abusive relationship, etc.) I never had a hoe phase. However, the women I know who did mostly did so for reason A in high school or college vs. reason B.

badfirstdate- · 2023-08-03T18:20:00+00:00

Probably option one. Girls wanna live their best life in their 20s

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-08-03T19:38:07+00:00

It depends. I know women who are extremely promiscuous and they get taken advantage of a lot but they still don't stop. Some women who had fun with 2 guys on different days. Some who are really into kinky stuff who enjoy it. It really depends on the motivation for engaging in the activity.

Theres a strong correlation between promiscuity and drug and alcohol abuse though. That's all I'll say about that.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-08-03T20:28:47+00:00

I found joy and fun in things that were not casual sex, so no hoe phase for me. I didn't have the easiest childhood, either, but I guess it didn't mess me up so badly I needed validation in the form of peen.

philseven12 · 2023-08-03T19:05:28+00:00

A chick can be a plain jane all her life with no trauma or issues but just simply be curious about dick and venture out in her late 20s or beyond to see what the fuss is about. A hoe phase is about a woman that just needs her spot to be stimulated

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-08-03T19:53:08+00:00

I’ve had three casual sexual partners and it’s been due to A) …didn’t want a relationship & wanted hot sex.

wes_bestern · 2023-08-03T19:56:54+00:00

I'm a man and I had a hoe phase. I can tell you for me it was a little bit of both. I did enjoy it enough, but I'm also happy to be done with it.

wigwam422 · 2023-08-03T20:06:13+00:00

For me it came from option B unfortunately. I was sexually abused as a child and it really messed up my relationship with sex. I’m not saying casual sex is wrong, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I felt like my body was the only worth I had and I didn’t have the self esteem to say no to men. I’m doing much better now

Difficult-Ad-9922 · 2023-08-03T18:29:30+00:00

I’ve know women in both categories, but most of the women I know are A.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-03T18:15:08+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Tiny_Celebration_591 · 2023-08-03T18:46:38+00:00

For me, it has been both. Mostly though, because of traumatic breakups.

One-Introduction-566 · 2023-08-03T19:06:27+00:00

It just depends on the person. Can be a variety of reasons

2023-08-03T20:15:01+00:00

It’s both

NOTSM · 2023-08-03T18:25:55+00:00

From what I can tell most women that engage in it love it

There is a select group that come out in the other side bitter, namely those that can’t lock down a man during or post hoeness. But that has nothing to do with the actual sluttery

BeneficialRush4171 · 2023-08-03T18:36:56+00:00

Probably A but maybe a specific set of circumstances under B for some. I went through a lot of pain growing up and it made me avoidant if anything.

NocturnalCoder · 2023-08-03T20:47:35+00:00

In my opinion, it is always b. Trauma/pain (or avoiding it)

A) only wanting to have fun, party and hookup with hot guys is basically avoiding reality, real life and responsibility and accountability. Sure. It is fun. And yeah u avoid the effort and steps to actually make something of your life cause you are out partying and spending time on this (especially for guys cause they often have to put in a multitude of effort to achieve the same outcome)

B) seeking validation and temporary appreciation to feel good about yourself.

Both options are honestly pretty meh and as a guy, I never understood the hoe phase. Did I have some casual sex here and there? Sure. But I was always working on my life and my life goals. If it happened, it happened but I would not actively look for it. What is there to gain from "being a hoe"? Feeling that lots of people want you? (Insecure) wanting to just have fun and ignore reality?

I was always open to an interesting person and would welcome them in my life, but I am not gonna spend time on being a "hoe". There is much more important stuff in life imho.

Dom-Francon · 2023-08-03T19:12:47+00:00

No. It’s having fun before life and motherhood/marriage/aging kills the fun and hot sex. Yes it’s nice to love someone and have a family but there’s something nice about fucking someone with zero expectations who don’t have to wife for.

Dunkman83 · 2023-08-04T00:21:13+00:00

why is being a hoe the only thing women consider fun?

Joyful-Adsorption · 2023-08-03T21:25:34+00:00

The ho phase is the female equivalent of young men realizing their strength and aggression and wanting to show it off.

After years of having boys tease you as a girl, or having a much earlier curfew than your brothers, or feeling scared to walk to a parking garage on the .001% chance you may be abducted, it's fun to having some feeling of power over men.

Then you get addicted to the power, the head snaps, the looks.

Then you realize you are sliding further into this sexuality as power dynamic and how incredibly shallow it is, and how inexperienced you are at dealing with the social interactions that go with it. And you just kinda stop.

So it starts from a place of desiring power and control. It may then morph to a place of pain, if you can't find anything else of value when looking in the mirror.

jeanironplate · 2023-08-03T18:38:50+00:00

Yes of course. Humans have emotions and healthy, adjusted ways of behaving. Men and women with a hoe phase have deep trauma. If you just talk to them, they'll often openly talk about their trauma. This isn't controversial. "I just want to have fun" as if this isn't an omission you think this bizarre, dangerous, emotionless behavior is fun because you have messed up sexual health.

chalkandapples · 2023-08-03T18:33:42+00:00

I think both happens. The people I know were definitely in category A though. The people in category B sleep around with more people than they would've liked to, but it's not the same frequency as category A.

Oceansoul3 · 2023-08-03T22:53:43+00:00

B. End of story.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-08-03T23:18:55+00:00

a for some, b for others. what is the big fucking deal

xItaliax · 2023-08-03T20:28:34+00:00

Only can speak for myself. For me, yes. Was in a sexless, dead bedroom marriage for 4 years. No intimacy and compatibility as soon as we got married. When we got divorced, I got a lot of attention and went with it. Super hoe spectacular

JustBeingMe426 · 2023-08-03T21:08:57+00:00

Its both.

For the women I personally have known, its A usually.

However for men I have found its B. Which is ironic as women are typically viewed more harshy for casual sex.

sweetbrown89 · 2023-08-03T22:09:58+00:00

I’ve found that it’s mostly A for women and mostly B for men

I don’t really see the downside of having sex with hot men and I don’t want a relationship

Bekiala · 2023-08-03T19:01:28+00:00

Probably for some. People are all different.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-08-03T19:20:54+00:00

It can be any number of reasons, and every woman has a different one.

stormjet123 · 2023-08-03T20:01:09+00:00

It can be both and also peer pressure

eccomomento · 2023-08-03T20:13:34+00:00

It can be either. I had a hoe phase after I got dumped by the only guy I was ever with, he dumped me specifically because he wanted to sleep around, and I guess my 21 year old brain thought if I slept around I’d feel better about it. I don’t really regret that phase and I did have a lot of fun, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t start with pain. On the other hand, I have a few close friends who were just having fun and that was that. I feel that I am/was close enough to them to know that it wasn’t from a place of pain. Women are people and people are all different.

DXBrigade · 2023-08-03T20:16:33+00:00

It's both, depending on the women.

2023-08-03T20:30:10+00:00

could be either one

or both

as a woman who obviously knows other women its all of the above

yes there are definitely ones who simply enjoy it and thats it.

Obj3ctivePerspective · 2023-08-03T21:05:56+00:00

Comes from a place of both emptiness and vanity

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-08-03T21:16:00+00:00

It's something a person who has the relative SMV and enough social confidence for it can do. The reasons people actually go ahead and do it vary and often involve a mix of motivations.

One aspect of motivation for a more sexually permissive phase that I don't think men from middle class backgrounds recognise is prevalent in working class women but very much happens all the damn time is being in a hurry due to socioeconomic factors. You can learn about how men behave faster, and sort them faster, if you do a little bit more fucking on the way. So if you have timeframes and need a functional load bearing relationship quickly...for example you're a working class young woman without much family support working a low paid job (supermarket? Glass collector at a pub?) and living in accommodation that is too expensive while studying a slightly better paid trade (chef?low level IT work?)and all the other students are similar and doing similar but the students who pair up and have a stable relationship and share income and expenses and a room tend to both do a whole lot better and more reliably finish their studies...well you're probably going to solve that problem more accurately and six months faster if you carefully and selectively choose to fuck three to ten guys on the way not just the one. Because fucking is an escalation you probably have damn near 100 control of. It causes forward motion. Often that will be forward motion to a quicker "nah not you" but it is forward motion.

Now there's a whole lot of middle class guys who probably get prudish about that sort of behaviour and call it prostitution blah blah blah....but it really isn't anything like prostitution if she's only looking to team up with a man who has the same level of problem to solve as she has. It's not particularly romantic but it's not prostitution if a woman or a man seeks a "really good for right now" relationship and escalates those search attempts using all the tools at their disposal for greater momentum.

Anyhow those of you romantic (and likely highly sheltered and unrealistic)middle class boys who are always going on about how a woman's job and class background.doesn't matter...this is part of the nature of being in a class that is underfunded. Working class women fuck more. They fuck to speed that aspect of their life up. They don't have the luxury of sitting round on their butts waiting. If they decide "I need to be in a live-in relationship like yesterday" they make stuff happen. And they know that middle class men don't understand this at all but working class guys kinda sorta do but don't talk about it...so a decision to do this is usually a decision to just not ever bother again with middle class men.

And that's how your gardener has a prettier wife than your father has, guys. We mate via class based sorting because the middle class are intolerably prudish.

When failure and homelessness are real concerns you do what you gotta do to move as fast as you need to past obstacles. That's the basis of at least fifty percent of the phases when a woman goes through a bunch of guys.

Oh and this do what you gotta do thinking is common in working class men too. I don't see many bricklayers complaining that the girls like them better if they crack jokes and share amusing anecdotes and try not to be a miserable sack of shit to be around. "But it makes me feel like a dancing monkey" oh please... not being a dancing monkey is a goddamn privilege in this world not a right. Saying something like that is a sign you want a working class woman but only if she's not working class.

Particular_Way_1490 · 2023-08-03T21:58:32+00:00

For me, it’s B. I desperately needed validation and having a bunch of guys use my body is what gave me that.

Sillysheila · 2023-08-03T21:58:58+00:00

I don’t think it always comes from a place of pain or trauma, personally even though I’m very much not promiscuous. I do think though if it’s a very large number, and that goes for males or females, there’s a higher chance it’s for validation or something else than pleasure.

96tillinfinity_ · 2023-08-03T22:01:24+00:00

No. A lot of women just love to fuck

ohdiddly · 2023-08-03T22:17:57+00:00

For me it was option A

thelajestic · 2023-08-03T22:22:14+00:00

For some it does, others it doesn't. That might change at certain points too.

For me mostly it was a place of joy and fun. My first was when I was at uni, I'd go out and have a fun night, and if I happened to hit it off with someone I'd take them home and it was a fun end to a good night.

My second wasn't so much trauma and low self esteem as much as within the space of a few weeks I'd split with my ex and suffered a bereavement, and I just wanted to reset things a bit, take a break from grief and just do something fun. Plus tinder hadn't been invented when I was single prior to that so I was quite curious to see what it was like. My ex had been very vanilla and we'd never tried anything new, so I really enjoyed meeting different people and getting a sampling of their kinks and desires and trying out what interested me. I know tinder gets a bad rap but I met quite a few genuinely fun people and had an excellent time with them. Yeah there were some mediocre experiences but for the most part it was just good fun.

pagenotfound000 · 2023-08-03T22:41:48+00:00

Putting yourself out there and seeing what happens.

Being young, not having a lot of experience with men.

OldStorageUnit · 2023-08-03T23:32:37+00:00

I had a “hoe” phase after escaping my abuser. He was my first real boyfriend and the man I lost my virginity to. He estranged me from my family and friends, alienated me from my community and hobbies, and left me broken to an indescribable extent. I was so desperate for connection that I latched onto any guy that showed interest in spending time with me, unaware most of them were solely interested in using my body. My past relationship conditioned me to be extremely docile and agreeable. I had a hard time saying no. I ended up sleeping with many people in a short amount of time.

basedmama21 · 2023-08-04T00:01:28+00:00

Usually! Unresolved trauma being a big component. And/or religious oppression

Wolvengirla88 · 2023-08-04T00:45:36+00:00

I think assuming that all people make the same choices for the same reasons is bizarre. I literally have told people “hooking up has helped me heal from my trauma by making me feel empowered over my sexuality again” and they have looked me in the eye and said, “nah.”

Those people are usually women and they are usually very judgmental about other women because it makes them feel superior.

I think people make decisions for all kinds of reasons and those reasons should be respected.

NothingOrAllLife · 2023-08-04T01:01:52+00:00

What do you consider a hoe phase? Does it have to be a short period of lots of partners or just having lots of partners?

DestituteVestibule · 2023-08-04T01:23:01+00:00

For men and women both, yes.

bob88c · 2023-08-04T01:29:40+00:00

Definitely seems to have a correlation and a bad divorce seems to trigger like nothing else!

Excellent_Badger123 · 2023-08-04T01:49:53+00:00

I certainly enjoyed my hoe phase - a long time ago. It didn’t come from trauma or pain. I didn’t need validation or suffer from low self esteem. It was more about curiosity & genuine horniness.

Ayaka_Simp_ · 2023-08-04T01:50:43+00:00

It depends on the person. I've met women who do it for both reasons. Even when it becomes destructive, self-harm... they continually do it. Which tells me how important they view sleeping with Chad. The very real threat of physical and emotional abuse is not enough to deter them.

rockerroses · 2023-08-04T02:52:16+00:00

It can. For me, I had gotten out of my first relationship where my ex made me feel bad and straight up ignored me (thank god we only lasted two months). Despite our relationship being very short what he did really hurt me.

For me at the time, sleeping around was something that made me feel good about myself. It also made me feel like I was doing better than my ex who struggled to find women.

dumbbitchcas · 2023-08-04T03:04:28+00:00

Often yeah. Every woman is different but many women go hyper sexual to cope with Sexual violence or heartbreak

2023-08-04T04:42:07+00:00

I have a different perspective because I am a guy who is sort of in a "hoe phase" seeing men. I sort of feel like I almost parallel the experience of women because I am seeing guys who usually prefer to fuck women and my own personality is more feminine and passive without being overtly effeminate, if that makes sense.

It's exciting and new. I like discovering different types of bodies and types of guys, learning what I like and don't like. I'd do this with women if I could but I'd have to be a very high status male to have this many options. Guys are horny and so it's easy to find guys who want sex.

I learned SO much about women by learning what it's like to deal with men, both good and bad. I regret deeply that I did not do this when I was first sexually active because my whole marriage and sex life would have been so much better.

fupadestroyer45 · 2023-08-04T06:23:10+00:00

From my experience 75-80% B, even though many will claim a. Validation seeking is a huge reason.

nunophyabisnis · 2023-08-04T07:05:16+00:00

Coming from a 20F, I'd say for the majority, it's having fun and exploring what one likes as everyone else said. Personally, that's not why I had a hoe phase, I was obese, depressed and suicidal. I knew I attracted the kinda guy who didn't respect me much and just needed a piece of meat, so I played into it and wanted to see how far I could go. By that, I mean I was trying to get myself killed or kidnapped. Tho I thought killed would be the best case scenario. So I did all sorts of risky things that could've actually gotten me killed in a slightly different situation.

Anyway, so yes, it came out of a place of trauma. I was trying to prove that I was worth sleeping with, at least. I took all my worth from my sex appeal because I felt like I had nothing else going. Which to this day is hard not to think. But my hoe phase was a self-destructive phase, I was trying to get instant validation that I felt I got nowhere else whilst attempting to get into active danger.

It's been since 3 years, and I can happily say I will never go back. And frankly, that time period is really just a blur of memory. I've had a few sexual and casual encounters since, (I've lost a lot of weight which also has changed my body image a lot, and this is my own judgment but I also think I became a lot more attractive) but those encounters were really just for fun, with nice and sweet guys. Only those times I always hoped it would continue past the hookup, which I guess is my mistake now.

As you can tell, it's pretty complex. Reasons vary A LOT. some do it out of a place of pain, but there's really no way telling unless you're in her head or her therapist. Just encouraging safe and healthy behaviour is the way to go.

gothfather3 · 2023-08-04T08:43:40+00:00

Honestly option A, I hoed around in my late teens/early 20s because I wanted to

eye_of_gnon · 2023-08-04T09:38:33+00:00

it just means they're horny when they're young, like everyone else

froderenfelemus · 2023-08-04T10:40:11+00:00

If it’s b it’s not a hoe phase, it’s more of a lifestyle at that point. Unless they get help the pattern will continue. It’s not a phase mom

TessaBrooding · 2023-08-04T10:43:52+00:00

I genuinely am not aware of any of my girlfriends being into casual sex. Those who have fucked a lot of tinder dates did it out of pressure (“how do you expect him to keep hoing on dates if you don’t fuck after the third?”) or because they wanted to and thought they had more of a connection than they did.

My BF had FWBs before me. Those women didn’t want a relationship, just sex and light companionship. Their hoehood was limited to a very small cirle or just one man, which makes sense. If you wanna be a hoe, the men who will put in some effort and won’t murder you sound like the safest bet.

p_ython · 2023-08-04T17:49:42+00:00

I wanted to have a hoe phase in college when I had low self-esteem, I didnt have any willing participants to have sex with though but I guess this still counts

Alecto_Moonbat · 2023-08-04T23:17:03+00:00

At the end of the day, having a "ho phase" comes from the idea that women have low to non-existent sex drives, and that women who deviate from this idea by enjoying sex are "whores." Therefore when women openly express their sexuality, engage in promiscuity, or are doing what gets called "sowing their wild oats" when men do it, it becomes a "ho phase." Even when women use the term themselves, this is it's ultimate origin.

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2023-08-05T03:59:16+00:00

For me it was a little bit of both.

Sex is fun but also comforting 🙂

Born_Ad_4826 · 2023-08-05T06:38:48+00:00

Are we.... Asking this same question of guys?

ArmDiscombobulated29 · 2023-08-05T10:23:26+00:00

Umm mate ppl are all different Some women I’ve seen yes, they fucked up mentally Some women just like fucking Some chicks want to fit in and be cool and popular Etc Etc

FigSubstantial2175 · 2023-08-05T15:59:33+00:00

Promiscuity is generally correlated to bad things. In women it's trauma, abuse and mental disorders, in men it's aggression, sexual violence and hypermasculinity.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-08-05T20:10:36+00:00

It can be either. It’s also possible to tell yourself it’s A when it’s kinda B.

TelevisionGloomy5458 · 2023-08-06T01:16:10+00:00

Men don’t understand that women like sex too. Lol

operation-spot · 2023-08-27T20:31:22+00:00

I think girls and young women often feel pressured to mature and sex is seen as a way to do this especially when everyone says it’s super fun.

LiveYour_BestLife · 2023-09-04T18:22:39+00:00

To there no such thing as one. If you did then you’re a hoe in my book(yes I’m a woman). But it could also be that I was raised to wait till marriage, which I did.

Title	Does having a 'hoe phase' come from a place of pain?
Author	AudaciousPanther
Upvotes	51
Comments	269
Date	August 3, 2023 6:15 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/15hbiuy/does_having_a_hoe_phase_come_from_a_place_of_pain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-having-a-hoe-phase-come-from-a-place-of-pain.1227352 https://theredarchive.com/post/1227352

Comments