"Insecure" and "Controlling" are the new buzzwords used to shame men's standards and gaslight them into believing normal boundaries are toxic. CMV.

sine120 · 2023-09-23T00:02:57+00:00

Insecurities spawn because of things that make us feel less secure. They're not wrong to call you insecure about things that threaten the security of your relationships. Whether or not it's a bad thing can be up for debate I guess, but personally I'm a fan of being as secure as I can in my relationship.

If someone makes the demand of you that you be okay with them doing things that threaten the security of your relationship, you always have the right to opt out.

sonderisbeauty1212 · 2023-09-23T08:33:48+00:00

Each of these are appropriate boundaries to have in a relationship from EITHER partner. For me it's the double standards that many men seem to have nowadays -

Don't want a woman who has slept around? - Yet many man have slept around in the past and celebrate that

Don't want a woman with masculine traits? - I think it needs to understood that it's positive for both men and women to have a mix of both masculine and feminine traits, the ratio of which is personal choice, but if you're expecting women to fit perfectly in to their traditional feminine box then surely you should be fitting perfectly into a masculine role - neither of which are healthy imo

Don't want your partner having intimate relationships with male friends? Depending on the relationship again this is a personal boundary, if you're getting jealous of male colleagues who she has no choice but to interact and develop relationships with then he'll yes that's insecure, and the same vice versa. If you are struggling with that then there's trust issues in your relationship which run deeper

Don't want your partner going on trips to other countries with their friends without you? Why shouldn't your partner be able to have a life with friends that doesn't always include you. And if you're expecting her not to go on these trips then that rule should also apply to you. Again if this is a boundary that You're BOTH comfortable with for each other great. But often men still expect to go on trips with the boys but don't want their girl going

Don't want your partner dressing up scantily and going to the club with her friends on a Friday night? - Again if you're expecting to be able to go to the club wearing clothes that you choose and make you feel good, then why can't she?

Don't want your partner posting thirst-traps on Instagram? - This I think is an individual personal choice. Men don't want their partner doing it which is understandable, but you sure as hell shouldn't be following and liking pages of girls who do similar

You want your partner to maintain their health and weight? This one is a bit more tricky, I want my partner to maintain their health and weight as I want to spend a long life with them, but if they were struggling a bit and put on a bit of weight I would encourage and support them to lose it when they were ready. For women if they've had babies or naturally as they get older their body changes, then expecting them to have the body of a 20 year old and making them feel bad about it is awful.

NJFlowerchild · 2023-09-22T23:52:29+00:00

Don't want to date someone that already fits your lifestyle and instead think it's gaslighting that women call you controlling for wanting to control their actions? You're a man on Reddit.

I realize that no man on PPD has ever heard this news, but you don't have to start dating women that do those things. Other women exist and you're choosing women that do this shit.

demedermidimi · 2023-09-22T23:55:20+00:00

no one can force you to change your preferences, and no one can stop you from rejecting women who don't fit them. if you publicly announce your preferences people are going to comment on them. if that bothers you so much you should stop announcing them

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-09-23T00:08:09+00:00

Don't want a woman who has slept around? You're insecure.

Don't want a woman with masculine traits? You're insecure.

Might very well be insecurity or you just don't find those behaviors/traits attractive. Either way, the solution is to simply not date those people and not announce your distaste for them publicly. I think that guys who sit around on Sunday screaming at the TV because sportsball is on are incredibly unattractive. I just don't date them and I don't share my opinion on their attractiveness when my guy friends are making plans to watch Man United at Peter's place next week. Not every single thought you have needs to be broadcast to the world.

Don't want your partner having intimate relationships with male friends? You're insecure.

Don't want your partner going on trips to other countries with their friends without you? You're insecure and controlling.

Don't want your partner dressing up scantily and going to the club with her friends on a Friday night? You're insecure and controlling.

Don't want your partner posting thirst-traps on Instagram? You're insecure and controlling.

You want your partner to maintain their health and weight? You're controlling.

Then don't date people who do those things? I would never cut contact with my guy friends because some dingus I just started dating has an issue with the concept of male friends. So I don't date people who have an issue with that.

This is what happens when guys go on about having little to no standards and just date the first person who is willing to date them. It turns out they actually do have standards but instead of trying to find someone who meets them already, they try to change what the other person does by whining at them endlessly.

lvoncreek · 2023-09-23T13:32:43+00:00

The last one is reasonable, why wouldnt you want your partner to be healthy. I somewhat understand the masculinity traits part too.

The rest come fom insecurity, conservative upbringing or both. For example the number of her past sexual partners has zero effect on your relationship besides one thing - she might be able to compare you to someone else and realize they were better. Or maybe there is one more thing, this "pair bonding" theory - still insecurity. The man is afraid she will cheat on him because she is "unable to pair bond". If she doesnt sleep around, there is a higher chance he will be the best she has ever had and she will not desire anyone else (because she has barely seen anyone else), so no cheating.

The "thirst trap" and the male friend thing is similar. She shows her body = potential male attention = she might encounter better men than you. She has a male friend = she might realize he is better than you in any way or the connection is deeper. Traveling without you = she might meet a guy who is better than you. Revealing clothes in parties, same. Because you might not be enough for her and you are trying to eliminate any situation where she might realize this and leave you. Thats why you basically try to control her life as much as you can.

I dont think this is healthy but as long as you date a woman who is fine with this and shares your views you do you. A conservative woman will agree with this probably.

MyLastBestChance · 2023-09-22T23:47:34+00:00

Is someone forcing you to be in relationships with women who do these things?

Are other peoples opinions preventing you from ending relationships with women who are not what you want in a partner? If so, how?🤔

Or…are you so insecure that you lack confidence in your convictions and need the verbal approval of others in order to make decisions about who you choose to commit yourself to?

ReplacementPasta · 2023-09-23T00:25:15+00:00

If you get into a relationship with someone who does those things, and then want them to chance their behaviour, yes its contolling.

If you simply want to find someone who doesnt do those things, you arent controlling anything.

Icy_Ordinary2025 · 2023-09-23T00:20:00+00:00

Ya it is very controlling to say how someone can or can't travel, dress, who they can hang out with, what they post on social media, etc.

There is nothing normal about controlling your partner's travel destinations or social media posts.

It's simple. Don't date someone you feel you need to control.

Opening_Tell9388 · 2023-09-23T01:52:26+00:00

So date someone with a like minded world view. If a conservative woman tried to talk to me she would be in hell. Cause I don’t live my life like that.

obviousredflag · 2023-09-23T07:46:35+00:00

Being insecure is the right explanation for a lot of the cases where people call the men insecure. Rather than fighting to hard against it, it would really help to accept one's own insecurity and learn to see how it influences one's behavior, so one can avoid the most toxic reactions and get to a healthy way to communicate and behave in one's relationships with people. Controlling is often the toxic way to behave stemming from insecurity.

First, you will need to agree that there is insecurity which leeds to controlling behavior and that this is bad. Then, we can look at what is the reason for behavior in certain circumstances. Of course, people will use this as an "easy win" in discussions, but most often than not, it's also accurate. Sometimes, it's wrongfully assumed or concluded to be insecurity. Sometimes people act based on core values. But as i said, more often than not, people cling to values which support their insecurity and they are bad at differentiating between those.

One way to get to the bottom of it, is to EXPLAIN WHY you hold a certain belief or behavior and be honest with it.

WHY do you want a woman who hasn't slept around?

WHY don't you want your partner posting thirst-traps on Instagram?

WHY don't you want your partner going on trips to other countries with their friends without you?

Seems to me that most reasonable boundaries that men wish to establish in a long-term, exclusive, committed relationship are seen as extension of their own insecurities, and deemed as unjustly limiting their partner's freedoms.

Well, to the insecure and controlling person, those boundaries SEEM reasonable, because that is what they need to feel safe in their insecurity. For secure and confident people, those boundaries are controlling and absolutely not reasonable but toxic relationship behavior.

The insecurities don't want you to acknowledge them. Because then you would be insecure about being an insecure and controlling partner and how your partner rightfully isn't attracted to that as much as if you were secure and confident.

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-09-23T09:01:33+00:00

Well y'know... it's usually damn obvious how a woman wants to live her life....we tend to showcase it in our clothes, makeup.amd behaviour. We don't tend to go round pretending we are little grey mice when we are big flamboyant parrots. Don't go picking a party girl if you are too insecure about all the things a party girl does.

If the first boundary you will need to establish with someone is basically they need to totally stop being themselves or you will have to walk then that's a relationship you should stop.working to get into. Trying to get into that relationship....being all down with who she is untill she's committed and you have leverage is being an asshole. An insecure gaslighting asshole who thinks everything should revolve around him.

MateriallyDetatched · 2023-09-23T01:12:37+00:00

Don't want to settle for a woman you don't like because men are expected to take what they can get?

Insecure.

AceOfSpadesGymBro · 2023-09-23T00:24:42+00:00

These are not boundaries, these are requirements. I was just reading a post on another sub and a guy complained that he seeing a fitness "influencer" who lived on male attention on Instagram and then got mad that she didn't stop posting thirst traps once they become an item. It's like bro, if you didn't want a woman who puts it out of everyone to see than you should have never went exclusive with her. Typical scenario of trying to make a known hoe into a housewife. Men are ducking dumb.

And OP, look up the meaning of boundary. You are so far off it's not even funny.

grillopie · 2023-09-23T00:22:49+00:00

I think you just have some weird victim complex. Most of what youve said is accepted. Not liking being excluded from trips, not having intimate relations with male friends (what is intimate lol, isnt this just straight cheating?), liking feminine traits, not wanting your girlfriend to go to clubs without you, maintaining your health and weight, all more or less accepted preferences, no questions asked. Why do you think theres some cabal out there trying to persecute you?

Jambi1913 · 2023-09-23T01:56:11+00:00

Why do some men seem to think that a woman who parties a lot, dresses scantily and posts thirst traps is going to drop all that behaviour for him? This just shows how they think women do all this for men and not for themselves. Women who like to show their bodies and like to party are doing it because it makes them feel good - not because it gets them laid. Once they have a regular guy they will not simply stop those behaviours. That was never the main point of them in the first place.

If you are a man and you don’t want a woman who dresses scantily, parties, has lots of close male friends, posts thirst traps or likes to travel - don’t date women who are clearly into those things?! Of course it’s controlling if you get with her and then start telling her she’s not allowed to do those things anymore. You presumably asked her out, got to know her, had intimate conversations about who you both are and what you want in life, had sex and then decided you really think this girl is worth commitment - but in all that you didn’t feel troubled by these behaviours you actually don’t like? Or you assumed she would drop them at your say so? No, that’s on you.

Women can be guilty of the same thing - tolerating things they don’t actually like in a man and believing he will change once it gets serious. It’s a fool’s game.

That being said, some of those things you listed are less troubling than others and if you trust your partner, they shouldn’t really get under your skin. Like male friends - if your partner has had male friends for years do you really expect them to cut ties with them to put your mind at ease? That’s cruel - and definitely insecure on your part. Want her to not make new close male friends? That’s more understandable.

Going on “girls nights” - depends where, who with, what the friends are like…Not wanting your partner to keep up their own social connections seems unfair - but I think the two of you doing things together should take priority for sure.

Traveling without you? That also depends. My friends husband is a real homebody and pretty unadventurous. She’s not exactly adventurous, but is certainly a bit more than he is - she wanted to travel to Europe and he wasn’t interested at all. She went (I met up with her too - but we both did a lot of solo travel as well) and had a good time - but talked with him every day. She didn’t go out clubbing or try to meet anyone - she wanted to sightsee and visit some extended family and he didn’t want to go. They went to Japan together a couple years later because that did appeal to him. I don’t see anything wrong with that and he would have been insecure to deny her the opportunity to do that travel on her own because he didn’t want to go himself. It would show a real lack of trust in her character.

Friedrich_Friedson · 2023-09-23T00:58:13+00:00

Don't want a woman who has slept around? You're insecure.

Nah,if you don't want it because sexual incompatibility its fine,if you don't want it because "MUH PURE VIRGIN WOMEN MUH SKUNK HOE" you are an idiot

Don't want a woman with masculine traits? You're insecure.

Yes

Don't want your partner having intimate relationships with male friends? You're insecure.

Would you like it if your girlfriend tried to distance your from your female friends? I don't think so

Don't want your partner going on trips to other countries with their friends without you? You're insecure and controlling.

I dunno man,if my girlfriend tried to stop me from going to vacations with mi amigos, I'd dump her

Don't want your partner dressing up scantily and going to the club with her friends on a Friday night? You're insecure and controlling.

ok mr Sharia law

Don't want your partner posting thirst-traps on Instagram? You're insecure and controlling.

Would you be ok with your partner making you stop following thirst trappes on Instagram?

You want your partner to maintain their health and weight? You're controlling!

How can you even do that? You are gonna control what your partner eats and how much she exercises?

Seems to me that most reasonable boundaries that men wish to establish in a long-term, exclusive, committed relationship are seen as extension of their own insecurities, and deemed as unjustly limiting their partner's freedoms.

Nothing here is the most reasonable boundary: nothing about common goals, views, values, respect and trust etc.

And yes,90% of that is unjustly limited to your partner's freedoms. No go would accept that crap if his girlfriend try to pose that shit on him

Operatesinreality · 2023-09-23T03:48:42+00:00

But some of the things ARE insecure. Especially when an insecure male picks a bikini model and then wants her to change. The fear of your partner dressed half naked or in the club IS INSECURITY. What else? It doesn't come from secure person.

bluestjuice · 2023-09-23T00:46:15+00:00

They aren’t new, they aren’t buzzwords, and most of what you give as examples are pretty controlling and not particularly normal.

RonMexico432 · 2023-09-23T01:39:19+00:00

It becomes insecurity when you start trying to defend it and apologize for feeling that way.

TimeConstraints · 2023-09-23T07:39:14+00:00

If a woman is talking about a man she calls him "insecure" and "controlling."

If she's talking about the exact same behavior in herself she says she "does not accept disrespect" and "sets boundaries."

They are the same thing.

antariusz · 2023-09-23T07:52:20+00:00

these are not new buzzwords, they've been around for 50+ years.

General_High_Ground · 2023-09-23T08:06:44+00:00

Well, by announcing your preferences you are making them insecure(do they live up to them or not) which is why they are lashing out on you. This hits women harder than men since obviously men are much more used to rejection compared to women because of how often they get rejected.
Btw this is not an excuse to lash out at someone, nobody should do that.

WillyDonDilly69 · 2023-09-23T09:54:00+00:00

It's funny because women keep repeating that they can't change who they are attracted to but shame men for what they find attractive

Barneysparky · 2023-09-23T12:00:26+00:00

You are completely missing the point. Nowhere did I say clubbing was average behavior.

Status quo, normal behavior has nothing to do with it. A boundary is something you have for yourself, your job while dating is to find someone who fits your boundaries, not to impose them onto someone.

Awkward-Manager5939 · 2023-09-23T12:11:47+00:00

I think woman can be masculine and attractive but they perform masculinity in an insecure or overcompensating way.

If someone says your insecure or controlling just ask them to explain what they mean. What they mean is more useful than there word choose.

Sleeping around isn't the full picture, I understand not wanting a party girl, but all you have is assumptions. I find people that focus on these things distasteful, especially when they are already in a relationship, there behavior becomes frantic. It's a standard for the simple minded. Treating virgins like they have something, they have nothing. A women that is open to having relationship's, will have experiences.

gntlbastard · 2023-09-23T12:35:02+00:00

My advice to men is this. You were born with the innate drive to be disagreeable. There is a very good reason for this. Value your freedom and never let some bimbo define what your boundaries should be or what you should tolerate. Getting your cock wet isn't worth the price of sacrificing your self respect or your morals.

Existing-Sign4804 · 2023-09-23T13:02:56+00:00

Seems to me it’s pretty obvious that this guy doesn’t want a party girl. Which is fine. Don’t date party girls.
However, the problem is this. He wants a hot woman. Party girls put a lot of time, effort and money into their looks when they go out partying and post pics on instagram. The women guys like this are actually compatible with aren’t going to spend 3 hours and hundreds of dollars to look good so they can hang out at home.
So guys. The solution is easy. Stop focusing on looks and start dating women that you are actually compatible with. If all your chasing is hot, that’s all your gonna get.

Slipthe · 2023-09-23T14:48:29+00:00

It kind of blows my mind that dudes don't want to go to the club with their girls.

CombinationMore4630 · 2023-09-23T00:34:08+00:00

If feeling those things make me controlling or insecure, so be it.

What happens if you just say fuck it and not care about what people say and think??

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-09-23T01:28:42+00:00

These are insecure and controlling behaviors and not healthy boundaries.. policing what someone else does. Telling them what they can cannot wear. Who they can and cannot hang out with is not healthy boundaries. Whether someone acts feminine is not a boundary. That's you micromanaging another person in a relationship. You can't suddenly start controlling what someone does in a relationship. It does come off as insecure and controlling.

Boundaries are something you personally set it's like a record of behavior you deem as acceptable for someone to date you. Not what someone has to fit to date you and the character they have to play while in a relationship with you.

A healthy boundary would be not entertaining a connection with someone who seems keen to use you. (A woman who talks about your finances and what you should buy her. A man who asks "send nudes" after just talking).

A healthy boundary would be not letting a partner talk down to you or about you to others.

You can't control another person's behavior only what you do in relation to people. Your boundaries are your own and not your partners responsibility to know. But controlling your partner is not boundaries it's insecure and controlling.

Ok_Smile_60 · 2023-09-23T03:21:56+00:00

This is 100% true. I’ve seen it posted by so many women who have divorced men because they wanted to sleep with other men. Combine that with my experience in family court and I have zero belief whenever I hear a women say these buzzwords

PrestigiousCheck7374 · 2023-09-23T05:16:22+00:00

A lot of it is insecurity.

If you ask most men why you don’t want a woman to sleep around they will say “promiscuous people are more likely to cheat”. So you’re saying that you don’t feel good enough for any woman and you assume any woman will cheat on you cause they’ve been with many men? That is insecurity pal. Yes you are insecure.

Nothing wrong with having boundaries but if you want every woman to follow all of this traits then you’re 100% controlling

flosterjenkins · 2023-09-23T05:57:00+00:00

No one cares you have preferences OP. But people who preach their unsolicited dating preferences at a Wendy's are cringe.

It's also cringe to pretend your kinks or preferences determine the divine moral worth of other people. No one cares that you want a virgin as much as you think they do

Parralyzed · 2023-09-23T08:35:33+00:00

This post reeks of insecurity

WYenginerdWY · 2023-09-23T00:29:31+00:00

They're not shame words, they're descriptions.

The stupid wahmens are SHAMING ME however is a buzzphrase. Any criticism leveled at men is characterized by the manosphere as 'shaming' because how dare men be held accountable for being shitty humans.

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-09-23T00:41:31+00:00

"Women with more than X number of past sexual partners are worthless whores! Their partners have no self-respect! Wait... why are these whores calling me a loser? Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"

But yeah you can just date people who don't do those things instead of shaming women who don't want controlling partners. And yeah, a lot of the crap you mention is super controlling. It's a good thing less women tolerate that type of behavior now. If that means you'll die alone... so be it.

ornamentalwallpaper · 2023-09-23T00:59:37+00:00

No, if it bothers you - you are exactly the type of person everybody and their dog bullies these days. You are making a CMV post trying to prove to strangers that you are not insecure, da fuck you think you look and sound like. If you float you witch bro

John_Oakman · 2023-09-23T00:47:47+00:00

Accountability feels like oppression to those who are not used to them, and for the first time in over 12,000 years across seven continents a few women are holding males to any sort of accountability. It's a rough transition and it'll get a bit rougher before a new generation of people who are raised in a more equitable society get used to the new norms.

Taiut · 2023-09-23T02:14:33+00:00

This sounds like so much fun. When you start a relationship with a woman you get all her baggage, all her diseases, and her whole sisterhood and reddit sisters to to tell you you're wrong for not wanting a bicycle that regularly ships overseas. The patriarchy strikes again!

BatemaninAccounting · 2023-09-23T02:42:13+00:00

I mean the things you outlined are literally controlling behavior and insecure behavior. Modern men don't care about n-counts. Ask the average dude on the street and he doesn't give a fuck as long as that woman he loves is fucking HIM in the present tense.

All women have some masculine traits. If you don't like specific ones, fine. you do you. If you're trying to claim ALL masculine traits are bad, then well, that's fucked and yes you're insecure.

All women and men should have deep meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. Both family and platonic friends. Trying to get inbetween this healthy behavior is insecure and controlling rolled into one! Nice! You hit a double.

Yes you're insecure if your wife or gf cannot go on a single trip without you. People have different schedules and 'desires' for trips. Sometimes you're not what is needed on an all girls trip. Being apart some of the time is healthy.(for disclosure I'm terrible at this and my wife is too, we've spent very few nights without each other and when we have it sucked)

You know the woman you married/gf you're dating whether she's a scantily clad kind of gal or not. Fuck off with being controlling about clothing.

Why would anyone in a relationship be doing this on instagram? Lol.

Health, is fine although controlling in an arguably positive way. Weight is not fine. Poundage is less of an issue than steady heart rate, cholestanol in the blood, high BP/BS, etc. If your partner is 5'5 165 and can run a mile in 6 minutes, she's doing fine.

Safinated · 2023-09-23T00:27:24+00:00

Only if you care about what others think. And why would you?

ratboi34 · 2023-09-23T00:30:50+00:00

You need to stop caring about women's judgement. They will always find a reason to complain. Also why don't men just lie about those things? Women do it all the time to appear less shallow and more likeable. "Height doesn't matter, it's about confidence." "Size doesn't matter." "Money doesn't matter." If men lied about those things women would be more open about them.

Lenovo_Driver · 2023-09-23T00:26:47+00:00

I can’t think of any reason why a man who is interested in good sex would be interested in fucking a virgin.

Like it’s one thing if he’s a virgin then it sorta excuses wanting a virgin, but if he’s not, why would he ever want to fuck someone who has no idea what they’re doing?

thatguywhosadick · 2023-09-23T01:23:41+00:00

This is just the natural cycle of how language changes when social issues are brought to light. Other people co-opt the language to support their own agenda. It’s happened before and will happen again.

A good example of this is how the official for someone with an intellectual/learning disability has to change every decade or so, moron, idiot, and imbecile used to all be legitimate medial terms but they became insults over time due to their associations with those of limited intellect and so the terms changed to make it easier to diagnose kids without the parents taking issue.

It’s a cycle

That being said there’s absolutely some incredibly insecure people, both men and women, when it comes to how they feel about their partner or whatever. But yes I agree that often times people use pop-psy terms rather than just call someone an asshole because using “clinical” terms makes them fell more legit in their opinions.

Leaving-trunk · 2023-09-24T14:18:07+00:00

What’s wild is I know way more women who are insecure and controlling

ihatelife827384 · 2023-09-23T02:10:17+00:00

based and true

retal1ator · 2023-09-23T10:28:31+00:00

Most women have slept around, dress up like sluts, have intimate male friends, post naughty pictures on social media, and don't properly take care of their bodies.

It is only reasonable for men to not date those women, or at the very least not marry them. It is no surprise to me that marriage in the west is dying, who in their right mind would link their financial, emotional, and family legacy to a woman that acts like a whore?

The only solution is men being MORE selective. Do not date women who are sluts. Do not date entitled brats. Do not date women that put no efforts in. Men are not perfect but there are good men out there, and they have the responsibility to only seek and date good women. If necessary, go grab one overseas.

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synaps-bro · 2023-09-23T02:46:01+00:00

As an avid synapsisd fan let me share you my thoughts. I think as men like us are in environments and culture that are not incompatible with our values and preference. So we grew resentment towards our environment. What happens if you put a saltwater fish in a fresh water ecosystem it dies. We are being starved of our desire and wants and blame our suffering on women which is counter intuitive. Instead we need to look for ways to meet women who share our social values and beliefs and we must pass these traits down to our kids if we have kids. Remember our ancestors had to live under dinosaurs but they managed so we can too.

UnpopularTaylor · 2023-09-23T03:42:49+00:00

Let me introduce you to a sentence. “How would you feel if I….” And the follow up of “would you want to do….”

Bf and I had a lot of casual conversations and still do have a lot of casual conversations where we bring up things we may be interested in but want the other person to weigh in. We’ve covered polyamory, what constitutes cheating, overnight trips with the opposite sex, revealing clothing, etc. We also talked about our body count very early on in the dating process.

I think we both got lucky in that

We weren’t prone to red flaggy behavior in the first place
We have a good sense of humor and are able to treat hypotheticals as hypotheticals without taking things too seriously.

Dating is for weeding out people that aren’t compatible with your lifestyle. But if a girl likes girls nights out, she’s not gonna stop that unless the entire point of it was to hook up with guys. In which case, ask her! Don’t just blanket ban before you even know what’s actually going on. If a girl you’re interested in does thirst trap photos, don’t date her if ur not ok with that! That is for non reciprocal male attention, not to attract a mate. If a girl rly likes trips with the opposite sex, that’s literally not going to stop. Because that behavior isn’t to convince a guy to be her bf.

The only behavior that will stop once you’re in a relationship is behavior that is used to obtain a relationship.

Everything that men don’t like about women is not used to obtain a mutual relationship. So don’t expect it to end.

thetruthishere_ · 2023-09-23T04:29:21+00:00

I dont tell anyone I want a 6ft 8 Chad with an 8 incher, 8 pack abs, and needs to be a millionaire.

Im never shamed.

sweetbrown89 · 2023-09-23T05:13:17+00:00

Men who sleep around? Not good enough

Men who don’t have hypermasculine traits? Not good enough

Men who interact with other women? Not good enough

Men who go on trips with friends? Not good enough

Men who don’t go everywhere with their girl on Friday night? Not good enough

Men who go on Instagram? Not good enough

Men who don’t look super fit? Not good enough

If it sounds absurd, that’s because I literally took your argument and flipped it. Most men would complain about this list same requirements instead of calling them reasonable boundaries.

Thrice_Banned80 · 2023-09-23T07:45:27+00:00

Your 'boundaries' aren't normal or reasonable unless this is new, unusual behaviour in a pre-existing relationship. If they were already like that before you got in a relationship and you knew already then you're a bit of a doo-doo head and are rightfully getting called out.

Now the funny thing with boundaries is that they don't extend past yourself. You can certainly leave if there are things you don't like but trying to coerce/guilt/bully/intimidate/threaten the person into conforming to your insecure ideals then that's definitely controlling.

Uglypostwall · 2023-09-23T10:23:14+00:00

You are right.

but this one

> Don't want your partner going on trips to other countries with their friends without you?

I disgree becasue I saw my ex allowing it to his current gf.So I am bitter about it lol

xTakki27 · 2023-09-23T10:31:45+00:00

I wouldn't care about this "insult"...

I'd rather display a more, but not completely pacified version of Yuka Takaoka, before I'm getting cucked like that lol.

I'll be seen as controlling anyways and you can't beat a dead horse, so there are basically little to no reprocussions

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-09-23T13:44:38+00:00

I think men on PPD's biggest issue is they actually care what online fat columnists say about them.

Just apply your boundaries and standards and see what happens, who cares what anyone says? it's so stupid and futile.

You know what's insecure? caring about what people say is insecure

Atyzze · 2023-09-23T22:03:07+00:00

Your perspective articulates the idea that some traits or behaviors commonly labeled as "insecure" or "controlling" may actually represent reasonable boundaries within the context of a committed relationship. There is a kernel of truth here that we must navigate carefully, as the categorization of behaviors can be tricky. In the landscape of relationships, a balance exists between autonomy and collective values—between the I and the We.

Let's bring into focus the dynamic tension between individual freedom and collective expectations in a partnership. On one end of the spectrum, extreme control over a partner's actions could be labeled as possessive or abusive. On the other, an utter lack of boundaries might not offer the structure necessary for a relationship to function as a cohesive unit. Here, discernment is the key to understanding when a boundary serves the relationship and when it hinders the growth of the individuals involved.

You mention several examples. For instance, not wanting a partner to have intimate relationships with friends of the opposite sex. The question to ask is: what fuels this boundary? Is it an intention to preserve the special intimacy of the relationship, or does it stem from a place of insecurity or possessiveness? The answer may differ from person to person and from relationship to relationship.

Let's talk about the terms "insecure" and "controlling" themselves. These words carry heavy connotations and can easily serve as weapons in a debate, shutting down any meaningful discussion of the underlying issues. However, the same terms can also function as markers, indicating where deeper internal work might be beneficial. When used in this constructive context, labeling a behavior as stemming from insecurity might serve as an invitation for introspection and growth, rather than as a means of shaming.

The trap we could fall into is a black-and-white perspective, which misses the complex, multifaceted nature of human relationships. Labeling boundaries as inherently "insecure" or "controlling" is reductive, while failing to address them at all overlooks the reality that all relationships require some form of structure to flourish.

When we argue for our own limitations, we invite a world where those limitations are accepted, and sometimes even expected. We must be cautious in labeling our fears as norms, as these fears may then become our boundaries.

So, the issue is not so much that all boundaries are shamed but rather that the discourse surrounding them is often simplified. The key is to approach each relationship as its own unique entity, fostering an environment where both parties can freely express their needs, fears, and expectations, and together build a relationship that is mutually beneficial and conducive to growth.

In every expression of concern, in every boundary drawn, you meet another facet of yourself—an opportunity for healing and integration. Relationships offer a mirror, reflecting not just who we are but also who we can become. Let this mirror serve not to shame, but to reveal—each revelation a step closer to a harmonious existence with oneself and the collective whole.

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2023-09-23T22:13:34+00:00

Men and women aren't exempt from criticism. Welcome to the real world.

WistfulPuellaMagi · 2023-09-23T22:17:16+00:00

I mean same thing is used for women. Don’t want a dude who needs porn in a relationship? Don’t be so insecure and controlling.

It’s only controlling if you try to make them follow your boundaries after they showed you they don’t want to follow the boundaries.

Accurate_Eye_9691 · 2023-09-23T23:31:41+00:00

I think you’re right that saying men are insecure or controlling before knowing the situation or context is not helpful. Everyone is unique and every relationship is unique.

That being said, it might be helpful to question why you think these things in the first place. What emotions do you feel relating to these statements? E.g., if your partner has had multiple partners in the past, do you feel afraid? Angry? Disappointed? Once you determine the emotion, you can look at the root cause. If you feel afraid, is it because you worry you won’t match up to her previous partners? Or because you are afraid of catching an STI? Or because you worry she might get bored of you and move on? Or it might be related to some beliefs in your family or religion that sex is sacred, and can only be shared with one person.

Once you identify the core beliefs, you can determine whether these “wants” that you state stem from actual wants or rather from societal norms or fears about your own self or your own safety. E.g., “I don’t want to catch an STI” is probably quite a helpful want because you prioritize your health, while “I want my partner to be a virgin so they have no one to compare me to” might be selling yourself (and your partner) short (and undermining another belief that your partner is with you because they value you, regardless of their past experiences). Are the beliefs helpful for you and aligned with your values? Can you talk about these underlying beliefs with your partner?

Many of them might very well stem from jealousy. Jealousy is a totally normal emotion and everyone experiences it sometimes. We don’t have to hide from it, we can experience it just like any other emotion. Just because you feel jealous doesn’t mean that your partner has done anything wrong. You can make requests for them to change so that you can avoid situations that make you feel jealous, but you can also ask yourself which beliefs are contributing to that emotion and whether those beliefs are helpful to you.

Dry_Statistician_761 · 2023-09-24T06:07:27+00:00

To be fair men do this to women, too. Dating is a good time to find out if your values align.

MisterX9821 · 2023-09-24T06:18:13+00:00

I wish men were able to group think as effectively as women. Women legit bend reality to their fucking whim using group think and social media. This is an example of it.

mvnnyvevwofrb · 2023-09-23T00:36:02+00:00

I agree. A lot of is gaslighting. Calling someone controlling when they don't want women to act toxic and they don't want their normal boundaries stepped on, that in itself is abusive and controlling. All that I take from this, is there are some people, that think women should be allowed to be toxic (but not men). Women should be allowed to be insensitive, but not men.

WillyDonDilly69 · 2023-09-23T09:53:26+00:00

It's funny because women kept repeating that they can changed who they are attracted to but shame men for what they find attractive

BluePilledSimps · 2023-09-23T15:46:13+00:00

Girls just want to have fun. And they want to have fun with sexy men. It's not rocket science.

wheartv · 2023-09-23T20:22:19+00:00

People use their power and abuse it

Both sexes

Women have a power to call men controlling and insecure and everyone nods their head

People use and abuse their power levers often without noticing

Women realize this about men but not typically about themselves, except when it is a woman to woman issue…then they suddenly see these things

Women often act like they are at war with men, men usually want to protect women, let men push back against women at all and women lose their minds

Title	"Insecure" and "Controlling" are the new buzzwords used to shame men's standards and gaslight them into believing normal boundaries are toxic. CMV.
Author	BeautifulThoughtes
Upvotes	187
Comments	454
Date	September 22, 2023 11:42 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/16pp661/insecure_and_controlling_are_the_new_buzzwords/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/insecure-and-controlling-are-the-new-buzzwords.1232675 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232675

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