I'm diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and I suspect some ASD. I'm not gonna euphemize it as neurospicy because it's a fucking hindrance plain and simple.

Anyhow in no area is it more of a hindrance than dating and romance.

I've gotten good enough at masking - you really have no choice, the alternative is to suffer through almost every social interaction... of course when you mask you suffer internally but at least your life is smoother on the outside.

When it comes to dating, courtship, sex etc, I've been fascinated with how some people seem to do so much better than others despite being relatively similar on paper, or how some folks punch so far above their weight, or below their weight. And it's more than just confidence.

I've come to the conclusion that the guys I know who on paper should do just fine yet don't almost all suffer from some form of neurodivergence, from ADHD to ASD.

It's as though people can sniff it out from a mile away, and it creates a major barrier between the unspoken and organic connection that typifies most romances or even sexual dalliances. An ND person can be quite funny, passionate, interesting in a lot of ways - more interesting that a lot of NT folks - but there's an Achilles heel somewhere - a subtle idiosyncrasy in their body language or eye contact, or struggling to read their vague cues about whether they want you to escalate sexually or stay platonic for now, and it ends up being their downfall.

There's probably an evolutionary basis behind this, but I think on the flip side, the guys who are not only unremarkable, but are lazy and entitled, or even malicious and selfish, they do well because largely because, for all their faults and flaws and foibles and fuck ups, they're neuro typical and socially adjusted.

There's an adage in dating that the worst thing a person can be is boring. I've known guys who are almost sleep-inducing, no interesting views or hobbies or anything and nothing to look at... but they're still NT and so they still intuitively understand the hidden social framework, and for that reason I think, they pretty much all have had long term partners. And what's more some of their partners have been fun and passionate.

Then even the ones who are volatile, offensive, and exhibit antisocial behaviors...they often still have this underlying neurotypicality which in many ways compensates for their bullshit. They can be crazy, abrasive and controversial and drag women into an unstable life, they can even be 'weird' in a good way but they still have this tacit understanding of when and how to flirt and escalate with a woman, and there's still a sense that the man is at least basically socially competent when he wants to be.

Of course there are many other reasons why some women are attracted to assholes, from daddy issues to trauma bonding to emotional spiking to the savior complex to abdicating responsibility for sex, sunk cost fallacy.

But the more I consider my own experience and friends who are ND, with those who are pretty clearly NT, it becomes obvious that even a slight amount of neurodivergence has a huge impact on one's ability to connect and one's desirability. They say most folks can tell almost immediately if someone is ND even if they can hardly explain why. They may not be licking windows, but subtle things such as uncanny body language, eye contact, difficulty interpreting expressions and nonverbals i.e. struggling to read the room. Not even majorly, just subtly.

And as much as a ND person can self-reflect and improve, often they aren't even aware where the fuck they are going wrong.

And by fuck is it exhausting. So fucking exhausting trying to essentially 'act normal' whilst still expressing yourself and not being boring.

So much of romance and sex is, for one stupid reason or another, expected to be some unspoken act, and so neurodivergence which impacts ones ability to accurately read nonverbal cues for instance causes the whole thing to feel like a tango in which you keep stepping on her toes.

Now I think about it, it's likely the reason why so much dating, romance, and social skills advice consists of stupid vague platitudes like 'just go with the flow bro' , 'just be yourself', 'don't overthink it and you'lld be sweet', 'just be charming and flirtatious'. As if this is all naturally pre-programmed into us and all we need to do is let it out. Sure human bonding, courtship, sex etc IS natural, but that doesn't mean the whole game that its become today is just going to come naturally to everyone.

And the reason why looking up advice on how to flirt or fuck better etc is grounds to ridicule someone... even though it's not exactly something you're taught in sex ed class, nor family nor friends, nor in porn or cinema (if you're using that as your guide you're gonna have a bad time)... it's expected that we will organically learn it all, what through trial and error? Maybe that's the reason so many women have run ins with pushy losers trying to hit on them and why most women report faking orgasm most of the time with a new partner. Even for a Neurotypical this is a big ask.

Anyway, I don't want this to become a big pity party, but it took me far too long to realize the impact this was having.

NDs can obviously do well with ladies too. Some ND guys I know do well enough with women and I have had my share of dates and sex, I CAN usually be charismatic and charming if I really try but it hasn't come naturally - I have had to look up tons of social skills, comedy and sex advice because I couldn't really intuit it myself. How to be funnier, how to flirt, questions to connect with people, how to be touchy with women, foreplay tips etc.

And even now it still feels pretty unnatural. And I'm 6'5 and quite handsome, if not for this perhaps I never would have gotten any results.

I guess one strategy is to try and find other ND's to date, since they/we seem to be a little more tolerant. But that turns the dating pool into a puddle, and you still need to find them physically attractive, compatible values and views etc.

And yes it seems fair to say that NT men are more accepting of a ND woman (especially if he finds her sexy) than NT women are of ND men, although that doesn't mean their relationship will be particularly healthy or sustainable.

Anyway I'm falling asleep,

Thoughts?

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