Apparently single women can’t have nice things aka my attempt to buy a house

up_d00t · 2021-06-16T05:49:41+00:00

I have a 3 bed town house I bought from a family. When I was asked about who I was buying it with I said it was for me and my 13 year old... I have a cat. I wasn't going to mention the not human side. I have played this game before.

seraphinelysion · 2021-06-16T02:48:55+00:00

Yeah, your realtor is pretty shitty, which is weird cause selling you a home pays them. Why should they care what you buy as long as you buy with them in the end?

azula8 · 2021-06-16T04:47:38+00:00

We will never know the realtors true intentions but do yall ever feel that energy in some women where they dont like you getting ahead? Not like youre taking anything from them whatsoever. They just dont like to see women in a higher level than where they currently are but they have no issues putting basic men on a pedestal.

giggleomg · 2021-06-16T02:20:35+00:00

Yes change realtors. This is bs and discriminating against a single woman. You shouldn’t have to adjust yourself to buy a home. If you were a man I wonder if they’d have treated you this way. I’d contact her boss or someone higher in the agency to voice concern on your treatment too!

freerollerskates · 2021-06-16T05:21:27+00:00

You could always straight up lie? Buy a fake engagement ring, say your fiancee works overseas (if you really want to lay it on thick pretend he's in the military), make noises about how great this room would be for a nursery!!!

I know you shouldn't have to but do you want to get what you want or not? Men lie all the time and would not give a shit about this. If someone is douchey enough to not sell you a house because they judge your lifestyle I think there's no immorality in lying to get what you want.

Guyincognito9876 · 2021-06-16T02:48:36+00:00

Even though I had no trouble buying my 4-bedroom house as a single woman, I still get comments from people about living in a big house on my own. Most people assume I’ll rent a room out, or they don’t understand why I want so much space. At the end of the day, I can afford it and it’s so much better than when I lived in an apartment. I need breathing room.

GoldenWaterfallFleur · 2021-06-16T06:23:11+00:00

My friend has a gorgeous huge 3 or 4 bedroom house with a huge closet that she is constantly apologizing for 😓 I wish she didn’t feel the need. She works her butt off and is a lovely human who deserves every bit of that house!!

londochig · 2021-06-16T03:29:51+00:00

Please report her, and leave a review stating the things you wrote on here. Hopefully this will reduce discrimination against single women. It's worth even if it helps one woman out. It's absolutely appalling and insane that you were treated this way. I am so sorry you had to deal with this. If you were a single man nobody would have batted an eye at you buying a 10 bedroom house. They'd be falling over themselves trying to help you get what you want. I'm so stunned how rampant the discrimination and judgement of single women is.

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-06-16T03:07:52+00:00

I bought my house on my own, but had a great realtor. I hope you find your dream house soon. I'm also childfree, but have an extensive family of pets.

throwitawayuserna213 · 2021-06-16T03:35:49+00:00

You need a new realtor. This one is sabotaging you. I bought my own home as a single woman, and every realtor I worked with set me up for success (I had 3 offers accepted in a raging market - worse even than you described, bidding wars, waiving every single inspection and contingency, completely wild, and she even helped proof and advise on the letters I wrote). The letters don't have to be true, btw.

Get yourself a better realtor and do some legwork yourself in finding open houses, etc. Don't let this one sabotage you further and good luck! You'll get a great home.

kinkardine · 2021-06-16T03:15:11+00:00

Your realtor should value you, you should change realtor who doesn’t feel empowering to you. my house is a shoe box, but my realtor was super against of me buying it, I kind of forced her cause the house had other things checked, I can always add or upgrade. She still put her best effort in winning me the offer. She was pushing me to buy a bigger home cause she thought since I am the sole earner in case there is a job loss I can rent out the basement to cover my back. But I did not go for it cause I am a bit territorial and do not like the idea of having renters in my home. She did try to push me into shady neighborhood cause I did not have much approval so I did my own research on neighbourhood and did not cave in to her pushing, she did not take it personally rather still calls me to discuss neighbourhood for her other clients. I was super comfortable with her, trusted her and we had the same tempo. When I was looking she immediately got into building relationships with seller agent to gauge how much they are expecting since she didn’t want me to bear unnecessary mortgage, we only proceeded with sellers who were willing to discuss and negotiate. After I moved in she called and checked my first month bills to make sure everything was running properly, she brought me food ( three time so far). So yeah do not waste your time with a wrong realtor, do not sign any documents unless you feel secured with them.

P.S. but yeah she did try to fix me with another solo dad in the process 🤷‍♀️can’t avoid everything..

Exsqueeze_meh · 2021-06-16T07:06:41+00:00

I bought my own home a little over 10 years ago. That process was pretty easy but i’ve definitely had my fair share of sexist assumptions and bullshit treatment when it comes to caring for the house. I do a lot of work on the house on my own but I’ve had contractors suggest I need to ask my landlord 1st about stuff, (i am the landlord bitch!), I had appliance repair guys consistently mention “my husband” … “ when your husband gets home he can help us with this nor that”. Wtf???

i’ve learned the hard way a few times never to give the final payment until the job is done and I’m happy with it. These guys will always tell you yeah yeah yeah I will do all that and then two days before the jobs done they tell you some lame sob story that they need to pay their guys so they need the final payment now and they’ll come back to finish stuff and they never do. Scrotes.

HeavyMetalLobster · 2021-06-16T12:11:20+00:00

Wow yes, definitely get a new realtor. Your story makes me shake my head. So frustrating and poor show of everyone else involved

When I was shopping for my home I gave my realtor specific qualities I was looking for

Huge yard
Few neighbors but preferably none
Woodsy

He found me a few that were close but I ended up finding my home myself. It was on the market for more than a year, being sold by a woman who had lived here for 62 years with her husband. She was in her 90s and refused to sell below her goal

Of course I came to learn I wasn’t the only potential buyer. A man who claimed to want this place so badly kept putting in bids 40% below her asking price expecting her to cave

She never did.

My first offer was a bit above her asking and she sold it to me immediately.

Anyway this place is sweet. Tons of wildlife. Beautiful view.

Elegaunt · 2021-06-16T03:23:59+00:00

My understanding is that most Realtors have an Ethics Board they must answer to. You could try to research if that's true in your area at the state level and make a complaint. Their behavior is unethical IMO, and severe enough to lodge a complaint to their board.

cheezukaeku · 2021-06-16T05:12:02+00:00

In my country, you can't get your own place till you're 35 if you're single. (':

TacosAndWine90 · 2021-06-16T05:17:32+00:00

I am so happy to see you are looking for a new Realtor. What the hell!

I have a little gtip: Look for a real estate agent(licensed) instead of a realtor(glorified salesperson)

TheDameWithoutASmile · 2021-06-16T08:57:04+00:00

I found my first home, and the homeowner asked about kids. At the time, I was not planning on having any and said so. She asked again, "None? Really?". I was kind of uncomfortable and kept repeating no, no kids.

They originally went with another offer - which fell through - and I was the back-up offer. There was a lot of weirdness around it and I kind of wondered if the no kids was why.

But it can be done. I actually can see why the letters are legal. Selling a home can be emotional. I have friends who are selling her grandparents' place, and they're vetting carefully because they can't stand the thought of someone taking their childhood memories and carving up the land for development. So it sucks, but there are plenty of buyers more interested in a profit than some weird obsession with having the "right" people move in, especially now. Also, you can write a letter too! Just tell them how much you enjoy the house, that you can't wait to sit on the porch and read (or whatever). Many homeowners just want to know someone will have affection for their home, not necessarily raise a family there.

I hope you find a great home soon (and yeah, get a new realtor).

Efflights6 · 2021-06-16T04:54:58+00:00

I thought the higher they sale the more money they get? Why would a realtor set themselves up to make less money 🤔

missgelassenheit · 2021-06-16T05:02:48+00:00

Definitely time to leave a scathing public review. That is just not right and so insulting.

lawlessesq · 2021-06-16T03:25:02+00:00

I bought my 4br, 3 bath house 2.5 years ago. It’s just me and my two dogs. I LOVE all the space and the huge backyard.

leldridge1089 · 2021-06-16T12:59:26+00:00

If you're paying in cash you my also want to write a letter stating what you love about the house and your plans to live there. We left money on the table selling our last house because we wanted it to go to an actual person not as an investment property.

We have no issues with investment properties, our family owns them, they are part of our 10 year plan, its just getting harder to find the type of house we were selling in our community and we wanted to let someone else benefit from it like we did.

MixWide · 2021-06-16T16:31:35+00:00

For whatever it is worth, I just sold my house to a single woman buyer, and her being the sole buyer was absolutely a factor in our decision.

I was impressed that a single woman had such a strong offer, considering that I live in an absolutely ridiculous market right now, and the way she and her agent handled negotiations and communication made me suspect she's a badass.

MulticoloredCatMug · 2021-06-16T05:05:47+00:00

This might be a problem with your realtor. Tons of people are having trouble buying houses right now.

Longluck · 2021-06-16T05:59:05+00:00

That realtor doesn't seem good at their job at all... I'd assume they'd much rather show you houses slightly over your budget than under. Good luck to you on your house search!

crazykitten27 · 2021-06-16T09:43:23+00:00

Yeah you have to get sneaky these days I've also heard its common for the sellers to hide cameras and listen to what you say about the house when you're looking at it so they know how much negotiating power they have.

jackrusselterror1 · 2021-06-16T02:54:45+00:00

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SlowMango7000 · 2021-06-16T03:50:37+00:00

Get a new buyer rep and tell them your husband is in France. Sorry I'm old school and just try to think of a work around instead of fight. It's BS I know.

justfreakingoutabit · 2021-06-16T05:24:49+00:00

I bought a home last year- put over 8 offers on homes I saw. I eventually just put an offer site-unseen for a home in an area that was beautiful and has great schools. I can’t comment on trying to purchase an upscale house as a single person without a kid, but I can say that it was really emotional for me, too. Being a single mom to a 6 yr old and I look young, and trying to buy in a middle class area of a slightly conservative west coast area- every one of those homes accepted offers less than mine for families with two parents. I ended up yielding to writing a letter, I didn’t like it either. Almost felt a bit like .. begging? But my realtor was amazing and she specializes in single moms purchasing homes and beginning generational wealth and she helped make it less ‘begging’ and more optimistic about what a home would mean. I certainly think there’s a stigma against single woman making it and crushing it on their own. I did not appreciate the side eye from some of the sellers and I empathize with you OP, bc it seems like in real estate it really brings out the worst- keeping neighborhoods homogeneous, owners of homes gets to choose who lives there by who they like most??, stigma with FHA loans, how one is dressed when seeing the home can be a factor. It sucks, I have money and I want the house- please just review my offer fairly.

gingerandlime · 2021-06-16T12:00:28+00:00

I’m glad you’re getting a new realtor, I had to as well for a different set of reasons (first one discussed a multiracial neighborhood I really liked as having a “crack problem”… GOODBYE).

This was a bit over a year ago so the market was not quite as wild, but I had four offers turned down before getting one accepted on a house that is truly the best fit for me of any I looked at. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bath, in a beautiful neighborhood close to essentially everything. The kitchen and appliances are nicer than in other homes I looked at, nice big backyard, and if I ever need more storage space the attic is well situated to have a better access put in. I really wanted to put solar panels on my house so my weirdest requirement was that it be well positioned for that, which it is and now my house runs partially on solar power!

A couple with three kids owned it previously, and I was upfront in my letter that it was just me and the cat… I did put a line about “hopes for the future”, which could mean anything but if they wanted to imagine another family (which I do genuinely hope for!) living there, they could.

I hope you find the home you’re wanting and have a wonderful experience getting there.

souredskittles · 2021-06-16T02:24:26+00:00

I’ve been on the market to buy a house and I genuinely think it’s your realtor being shady…I don’t think you can even send the owners a letter due to confidentiality… I’ve never heard of owners leaving money on the table right now, they are accepting offers 150k over asking price in my area.

SDkahlua · 2021-06-16T04:02:24+00:00

I'm in the process of buying a home by myself also! Congrats! In CA, it's illegal now to write letters, which I understand why. My realtor is awesome and an older lady who now knows exactly what I want and fights for me hard. OT I've been denied 4 offers; one was 115k over asking 🤦🏼‍♀️

Anyway, I've only seen 2 places where the seller or sellers agent was there... The others were all vacant and we had an appt to view. Are there always others there when you go?! I wear yoga pants and a tank top usually. Most of my stuff is in storage so I'm limited.

Smile_Anyway_9988 · 2021-06-16T05:16:45+00:00

Good for you. That realtor must not need a sizable commission. 😳 That is crazy. A single person may prefer a larger home to accommodate their various lifestyle interest with a master bedroom, guestroom, office/ craft room, and a home gym or entertainment room.

Yellowsunflowerlover · 2021-06-16T14:09:59+00:00

That sucks. My sister bought a house and she did the same. She used my son and I in that scenario. It's sad how you have to lie in order to get a cute house. She's single and got a cute little townhouse that is 3/2 with a cute backyard for her and her tiny dog.

ms_monquis · 2021-06-16T15:35:58+00:00

I bought my current house in 2005, when the market was very different. Still, I looked at at least 20 houses and kept coming back to this one. This is the one I wanted.

One thing that was especially interesting about the experience, though, was the Realtor. He was recommended by a (male) friend who had just bought a condo. I told the Realtor everything that was going on (I was just about divorced, child-free, still entangled in the other house etc.) and he told me he practically specialized in divorced women.

Eh? What does THAT mean?

After my hackles went down, he explained about a lot of the things you're saying, how not only are there agents out there who think they know what you want/need better than you do, but also those who think it's a great time to take advantage of someone, because not only are women by their very nature dumber about big things, but also more vulnerable because of the recent divorce. HE didn't think these things, obviously, he was trying to prepare me and actively be on my side. This was the third house I'd bought so I wasn't a total n00b, but I'd never had a Realtor give it to me so straight.

So with those things, and yes my previous home-buying experiences, in mind, I set my sites on the little house with the big property that supposedly already had an offer accepted on it. Between that agent and what I'm sure he believed to be either my witchery or mob connections, I was perfectly positioned to snap it up when the other deal fell through. (Which they do surprisingly often!)

Newwavesupport3657 · 2021-06-16T07:16:24+00:00

This is what a hate about capitalism. You seriously do lose housing opportunities to couples with kids.

shockingupdate · 2021-06-16T05:26:09+00:00

My guy friend was single at the time when mommy and daddy decided to foot him a down payment on a house. He went to the showings and went through most of the process on his own. As far as I’m aware not a soul turned him away. Because of course they didn’t.

(He’s a great guy and I’m happy for him but wow, the difference a shlong makes!)

Vaeli47 · 2021-06-16T05:09:10+00:00

Contract a builder and build your own house. It's what I'm doing, and getting exactly everything I want. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, etc.

Used houses are selling so quick and in such high competition, you can literally build a brand new house custom with everything you want for the same price as new right now.

Double-College-3285 · 2021-06-16T06:02:47+00:00

I got this when I was house hunting as well. Or people assuming I have a husband or boyfriend that I will buy it with.

Lavender_flow · 2021-06-16T11:54:07+00:00

Play the game and lie. Honestly. Find a new realtor as you said & say you are a single mom. I would have no problem lying about this stuff, it is absolutely disgusting you have to miss out on a house because you are single. wtf

zazaleaz · 2021-06-16T13:29:38+00:00

My state is about to hopefully enact a law to ban those "love letters". They really should not exist, very discriminatory. https://katu.com/news/local/oregon-lawmakers-pass-bill-banning-love-letters-during-home-sales

catslovecheese · 2021-06-16T18:19:36+00:00

This is trash. I was really happy to find my realtor who focuses on housing for non-nuclear families; she handles single women and LGBT couples who often have a hard time buying for this exact reason. Her approach to handling the interface with the sellers allowed me to lock down a cash-flowing investment property with a cash offer at asking in a hot market. The right advocate is everything.

purasangria · 2021-06-16T04:15:00+00:00

I think you should invent a family when you go to buy a home so you don't have to deal with this shit. This "families need all the good stuff and singles get crumbs" bullshit has gone to far.

professor-professor · 2021-06-16T08:01:50+00:00

Sorry about your realtor--they should be catering to all your needs instead and your wants. There's no fucking around with what you want when it comes to property.

As for the letters tho--theyre like admission letters and your realtor should have told you about writing one. I know it seems dumb, but in this market--every little thing goes a long way. There's lots of gambling at the moment and removing contingencies to even be considered (it's ridiculous) for your offer.

katiekat0214 · 2021-06-16T03:04:48+00:00

I'm 53, and I've downsized. To you, this may be a shoe, but it fits me well. There's also the option on the table to build my forever home. Right now, I'm still unpacking, having bought my 2-bed, 1.5-bath condo that's very centrally located, in an extremely nice part of town, and five minutes away from my dad, who's 90 (and still lives alone). My sister and I are going to care for him and we hope that he gets to die at home, so having both of us here in town is very convenient for everyone. My brother lives an hour and a half but we're all here in the same state; I took early retirement last summer, and moved from CA back to La (Louisiana, lived 22 years in Los Angeles).

That said, when I was with my second, now-late husband, he and I had a four-bed, three-bath, two story condo in Los Angeles. Bought at just the right time in 1999, and it accrued an insane amount of equity. After he died, I renovated that condo and rented it out, and I bought a small manufactured home (2 bed, 1 bath) to live in myself, and also helped my niece and her husband buy their house, bought and finished out a compact shed home, AND bought first one plot of land, last week the adjoining plot of land, all stemming from that really, really good first investment.

I paid cash for this condo, moving into town. I am going to sell the small cabin I had on my niece's land. It was fantastic to be out in a national forest, right next to family for the pandemic, but 640 sq ft was not enough! A few polite miles between me, an older, retired lady, and them, a young family, is a good thing, too. This is also an over-21 building so my great-niece can come visit, but she could not live here with me, and that is honestly a relief. I want my space all to myself, and I own it.

My forever home, should I choose, can either be this condo... or the home I've had house plans drawn up for (3 bed, 2 bath, 1,800+ sq ft), on a lake, out in a national forest, on that double plot of land, about halfway between town and my niece's house, in a small subdivision (and when I say small, I mean maybe 20 houses). All of this to say that it depends what you want, so don't let some realtor talk you out of what you KNOW works for you. Absolutely switch realtors if they don't listen. And buy to suit yourself! I've bought and sold several houses over the years, and each time, although I've gone large, small, and now medium, it's suited me. You do you and buy what you genuinely love and what sparks joy.

bananamuffins2222 · 2021-06-16T04:46:20+00:00

I agree that the whole letter writing is shit. If I have to write a letter to buy a house I just won’t even put in an offer. I’m already offering the seller money and I get the privilege of writing a letter. 🤮

UnforgettableBevy · 2021-06-16T11:59:30+00:00

Oh I would fire that realtor fast.

As someone who has been a realtor, what she did to you was highly unprofessional. All this time she's shown you houses, written offers, knows what you want to buy - yet is suggesting you settle for less because you are single?! Not only could that be seen as discriminatory based on your marital status, but it's "PiCkMeIsHa sMaLl Dick NiCe gUy" energy - no one in this market with that kinda energy is going to do justice for a client. You don't want that kind of person to represent you. Not only would they not negotiate for your best interest - they now have this idea in their mind that you don't deserve to get what you want. That somehow your money, investment, and future aren't "enough" because you're not attached to some man you have a license with and crotch fruit. Fuckoutta here with ALL of that. They're selling you short - Hell To the Fuck No!

If I were you, I would find the biggest shark in town. The agent who would cut a bitch to get the house for their client - or better yet, the direct competitor of your agent. Call them, tell them you are a cash buyer, your last agent wasn't aggressive enough, and that you are serious about buying a house and closing in the next 30-60 days. The shark in town won't do you wrong.

Sending you big hugs and aggressive negotiation energy! ❤️🏡

Gouda8995 · 2021-06-16T13:37:14+00:00

Possible the realtor was agent for the couple buyers as well?

I'm thinking since they can be agent for buyers and sellers of the same house, lassoing multiple buyers would be considered a cinch.

randowordgenerator · 2021-06-16T17:05:42+00:00

Pretend to have a husband. Time to play dirty with people who think you're not human witHout A mAn.

catsuramen · 2021-06-16T04:43:55+00:00

I just brought a small townhome (1100 sq.ft) by myself. Personally, I didn't have any problems with a realtor. He showed me every house I requested to see. Every friend and family member congratulated me for being able to purchase a home as a young single woman.

Not to make assumptions, but it might not be a single/couple issue. Couples usually can borrow more so they might make a larger offer. Going above the asking price is not uncommon these days, unfortunately.

cakewalkofshame · 2021-06-16T18:11:12+00:00

We moved when I was 4, and we looked at a lot of houses. I literally loved every house we looked at and got attached. Because I was a child. The kids will be impressed with whatever. That's horseshit what that realtor did.

JesusisKingisLord · 2021-06-16T18:21:48+00:00

Wow. I didn't realize homeowners considered intimate details like your relationship status in considering whether to sell a house. Thanks for the heads up.

frustratedanon123 · 2021-06-17T02:35:57+00:00

I just bought a 1700+ square foot duplex on my own. The home can actually be used as a single family or a duplex. My kitchen is huge. The home was built in 1880 and has high ceilings with historic plaster walls, and the house has a two car garage that was once an attached barn that has been retrofitted. I absolutely love my home and owning my own property. Turns out I'm very handy too. Not even a single regret here.

Big-Respond8481 · 2021-06-16T10:23:24+00:00

I wonder what the excuse is when single men get those houses easier

ponchoacademy · 2021-06-16T21:58:16+00:00

This is so gross. Im not in the market to buy a house, but have come across this while trying to find a place to rent. From people telling me what the rent is in a "are you sure you can afford this?" tone, to flat out telling me the place might be too big for me and I might prefer something smaller and less expensive. I think it was that much worse being a black single mom, thats a red flag for some reason.

I've done the thing where I wore a ring and said my fiance traveled quite a bit for work, so I was getting a place for us on my own. Amazing how much nicer to me people became. I've never heard of guys having this problem. Isn't the word out that women are legally allowed to work and own property now?

FDSfollower1 · 2021-06-17T01:17:20+00:00

In this market, it's important to write a letter about what you love about the home and explain that you plan to live there, not have it be an investment property. Some sellers care about the neighbors they are leaving behind and won't sell to investors. Also include your qualification letter that shows you have financing lined up.

Fire your agent if she's not working for you. It's painful, but I've fired two real estate brokers and my only regret is the time I wasted trying to work with them. Both realtors begged, wanted explanations, etc., but I was firm. Our new realtor told us that the agents were taking us to bad homes where the real estate agent would get big bonuses if the homes sold.

Use redfin or realtor.com to find homes in your price range that have your requirements. Redfin is easier to use but is not in all markets.

I made a list of what was essential and a list of what I wanted in my price range. Then I looked at redfin for new listings every day. I found a place, not my realtor, but the realtor handled the paperwork and got the commission.

purasangria · 2021-06-16T03:39:13+00:00

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TheNightWitch · 2021-06-16T15:33:45+00:00

There is no secret cabal reserving houses for a specific market segment. There is no stigma against women buying houses. That’s victim mentality. You hired a shit, LVRealtor. Figure out why you did that and hire better. A better realtor can get you into the kind of house you deserve.

If your market requires a letter to close a deal, write one. Mine did. I hated that. But I didn’t complain about it, or blame anyone. I took ownership of what I needed to do to be competitive and successful, and wrote one. It got me my perfect house for $45K under ask in a very hot market with an over ask deal on the table from an all cash buyer.

If a man wrote this post, would you date him?

Title	Apparently single women can’t have nice things aka my attempt to buy a house
Author	Muffy217
Upvotes	1026
Comments	170
Date	June 16, 2021 2:14 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o0ud2t/apparently_single_women_cant_have_nice_things_aka/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/apparently-single-women-cant-have-nice-things-aka.784409 https://theredarchive.com/post/784409

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