Dating advice, therapy bait-and-switch

Last-Application-860 · 2024-01-25T19:30:06+00:00

I agree with some of the top other answers. Therapy is kind of said just to deflect/get people to shut up. I do believe in its value, but don’t think it’s really supposed to be helpful for people who want to be more successful at dating. Asking for advice from more successful people in their lives is better imo.

Bubbly_Taro · 2024-01-25T17:44:09+00:00

Telling someone to try therapy is a polite way to tell them to fuck off.

Zabadoodude · 2024-01-25T18:03:35+00:00

Therapy is a cop out answer people give, because they don't like to say that they just dont know. Without knowing you and seeing how you try to approach women its impossible to tell for sure, but there's some general advice to follow:

Unless you're seriously mentally ill, therapy is not likely to have a significant impact on how many dates you get. Getting into good shape, learning to dress well, getting a variety of interesting hobbies, and interacting with more new people so that you get more comfortable and natural doing it is the real advice.

thisreallyisnotok · 2024-01-25T18:04:13+00:00

Most people who say “go to therapy” are just trying to say they think you’re unstable without being rude but it is incredibly rude and they have no self awareness. But many are self aware and just want to get away with insulting you while having plausible deniability that they are actually being nice.

Granted saying “hey I don’t think I’m the right person to help you with this, have you considered professional mental health services?” is not rude at all but that’s not what people say lol

And often people who say that were just triggered by what you said and you could have very well described bad behavior that person has committed themselves.

SeveralLiterature980 · 2024-01-25T20:06:15+00:00

News at 11 women/society at large gaslight the fuck out of men who complain.

Purple_Kangaroo8549 · 2024-01-25T20:26:17+00:00

Therapists are essentially part of the matrix and their goal is to manipulate you into being another NPC.

TheGreatBeefSupreme · 2024-01-25T18:01:41+00:00

The “get therapy” line is used as either an insult or a way to dismiss someone. Very rarely will someone sincerely suggest therapy to someone else online.

eye_of_gnon · 2024-01-25T19:46:18+00:00

Therapy does nothing for most people, dont fall for the scam. Tf do you need therapy to date anyway? You;'re better off finding a older man to tell you what to do

AngeCruelle · 2024-01-25T18:12:59+00:00

I went to group therapy at one point in college when school anxiety started getting to me. There was a "I'm just here to learn how to date" guy. We would try to tell him in so many different ways, varying in gentleness, that there was shit he had to work on first. Man was good-looking but had zero self-confidence and basically lived in the shadow of a more popular frat boy. He would not hear anything negative about his friend, about how he might need to explore social circles away from said friend to really start distinguishing himself. He just wanted a magical solution to have his friend's level of success without actually addressing the obvious root of the issue to anyone listening. He ended up leaving after a couple sessions, and honestly the group was better off for it.

What is the point of this anecdote? You cannot throw 1000 glaring psychological problems at someone and expect them to give you one easy step to start getting pussy. For a lot of people dating falls into place when they commit to working on whatever the broken foundation of their life is.

DevilishRogue · 2024-01-25T19:03:08+00:00

it seems that I am shadow banned site wide

Appearing clearly to me.

ericneo3 · 2024-01-26T00:48:28+00:00

Sounds like the person telling you to go to therapy is gaslighting you.

Their help is some thing you know doesn't work from experience, so why even entertain their answer? Call them out on their BS and move on.

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-25T18:20:31+00:00

The only reason I would immediately tell someone to go to therapy in a dating context is if I believed there was a likely chance they had an undiagnosed mental illness or disability which has opportunities for treatment or intervention that seemed likely to effect their dating life or relationship opportunities. So like, something like ADHD, autism, aspberger, depression, anxiety, BPD, certain kinds of trauma, anger issues etc.

Of course the primary goal is simply to get them to a better baseline for their own benefits. All of these things would likely be greatly influencing all aspects of their life and potential. But, it would stand to reason that if treated or intervened on correctly, it would likely greatly enhance their chances of finding someone and maintaining a relationship with them.

Depending on the diagnosis (think, ADHD, autism, aspberger, anxiety) a big part of treatment would be helping them to develop masking techniques, approaches to socializing, exposure therapy, and other interventions designed to help them learn how to properly socialize in various settings and atmospheres with different kinds of people. Literal practice would and could be involved through roleplay even.

With something more like maybe trauma, anger, or depression, it could be that they are unknowingly sabotaging their opportunities either through a lack of participation in life, being a dark cloud that people feel unable to approach or let in, or literally sabotaging their opportunities in order to remain safe due to past trauma. By treating the underlying cause or teaching coping techniques, exposure therapy, and homework, you could very well improve their ability to form and maintain relationships.

BPD is its own basket of worms, but it's similar to some of the above. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could be very helpful in allowing people struggling with this constellation of disordered behavior to finally form and maintain relationships.

If none of this applies to you, then therapy most likely wouldn't be my first suggestion or even like 10th. It'd be like my 30th suggestion because I'd think perhaps trained professionals would see something about you that I'm not.

Mobrowncheeks · 2024-01-25T17:59:36+00:00

People just don’t like to hear men complain about not getting dates is all.

But for some reason there’s a huge industry for listening to women complain about the boyfriends and husbands they picked.

confused_makeup · 2024-01-25T17:54:24+00:00

I feel like if you've been getting rejected nonstop for YEARS then either you know why or you're just oblivious

Sir_Spectacular · 2024-01-25T20:41:08+00:00

A lot of guys with severe personality disorders, addictions, and all sort of "red flag" type issues have no trouble getting girls. Narcissists, for instance, are better than most at getting into girls' pants, so long as they have the social skills to mask their volatile side. When it comes to short term relationships at least, what really matters is being hot and charming, not being a good person with stable mental health.

So "get therapy" while good life advice in general, is not really something that would help a guy of low status, poor physical attractiveness, or poor social skills get a date (Unless that therapy is specifically targeted toward building their social competency). I don't agree with everything the Red Pill says, but I do agree with the idea of self improvement to make yourself more appealing to women in a substantive way. Being rich, in shape, and practiced in social interactions will do a lot more for your dating chances than being mentally healthy.

AcephalicDude · 2024-01-25T19:24:52+00:00

It sounds like you're missing a crucial step in the dialogue where you say something that indicates to the other person that you clearly need therapy.

toasterchild · 2024-01-25T18:16:00+00:00

Questions...

A - are these the SAME people saying these things? If not of course you are getting conflicting advice. The general population isn't magic perfect advice givers and opinions vary widely.

B - Did you see a therapist who specializes in dating issues or just some random therapist your insurance paid for?

C- highly recommend Dr T psychiatrist youtube as a place to start. This dude is smart as fuck and actually gives workable, relatable advice

Soloandthewookiee · 2024-01-25T18:36:51+00:00

Suggesting therapy means you have bigger issues than simply being single.

fuckredditmodz69 · 2024-01-25T19:26:52+00:00

Sounds like you are having a conversation with an idiot. You can be the perfect person but if the stars don't align you won't find a good match.

SignifyingNothing5 · 2024-01-25T21:08:59+00:00

Sometimes advice can be useful, but when the advice from a stranger is to get therapy, the slightly paraphrased old saying "well adjusted people don't need it and poorly adjusted people won't heed it" applies.

It can be well intentioned, but ultimately empty advice.

Cool_Ranch_2511 · 2024-01-26T00:18:19+00:00

Dating advice, therapy bait-and-switch

This is what you get for taking women's "advice" seriously

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-01-26T04:54:19+00:00

Never take dating advice from women, they aren't going to arm you with the tools to defend yourself against them.

SlothMonster9 · 2024-01-25T19:19:53+00:00

I think the therapy advice is given especially to men that want to escape the incel mindset or to men who suffered trauma and i think it's solid advice for those people. I haven't actually seen the therapy advice given to well-adjusted, sociable people who are in touch with reality.

Safinated · 2024-01-25T18:08:36+00:00

If you want actionable advice, pay someone

obviousredflag · 2024-01-25T18:14:00+00:00

me: I want to date more

them: go to therapy

That is not advice relevant to wanting to date more. If your mental health keeps you from dating, because you a depressive or BPD, which impacts your dating success or ability to find the power to date at all, then going to therapy is the right advice. And in this case, it WILL increase your chance to have the dating life you seek. To what extent depends on what the main reason for your dating problems is.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-01-25T18:42:31+00:00

I do therapy and still quit on dating. Lol

Therapy is an awesome tool it's great. I think learning about yourself and figuring things out. Not necessarily how to woo someone. But being comfortable in your own skin. And if you struggle with a sense of self thus self worth/self esteem and all of that it's a great tool. If you have baggage it's a good place to unload it and it does make dating easier in that regard.

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-01-25T19:09:45+00:00

Okay so back when I was Christian (lol) I actually got incredibly good advice from a youth pastor regarding dating (and threw the rest out bc it was puritanical nonsense).

People focus a lot on finding "the one" and not "being the one". Focusing on other relationships in your life/other activities/ your career/your fitness etc. those things make you attractive (going to therapy for example is a way to get you on the path of self-improvement). Seeking out companionship super aggressively/saying yes to whoever comes your way more often than not can land you in an unsatisfying or at worse toxic relationship.

There's no one off solution to meeting people, getting laid etc. I can give you genuine pointers and things that I prefer but that's subjective bc it's from one woman and we aren't a monolith (and whenever we try to guys on this sub get SUPER aggressive). Different methods probably have different levels of success depending on the type of person you are. So there's no easy "here's what you do". But if you have a bunch of balls in the air that make you happy and feel good about yourself not having partner isn't a huge deal, you're busy.

I'm literally a girl so there's no societal pressure for me to initiate but to be totally honest I met the dude I've been dating for a few years now when I stopped worrying about being in a relationship and wasn't seeking companionship (or even hookups tbh). The friendships I was fostering and the hobbies/career tract I was pursuing was a huge component of how we met. Had I not been putting myself out there in all components of life I would still be single. And if I'd been desperate to get into a relationship I probably would have fucked it up.

I guess any step forward is better than no step tbh and you never know who it will put in your path.

Mahlah_Maldau · 2024-01-25T19:18:10+00:00

Idk buddy I see some very very deranged guys in relationships and their women still love/ fawn over them a lot. Perhaps, you should try speaking what people want to hear. If you know what I mean.

Marijuanomist · 2024-01-25T21:11:49+00:00

The point of therapy is not “to understand yourself.” The point of it is to learn how to reframe, cope with, and change aspects of your life that are not working the way you want them to.

It sounds like you probably just had the wrong therapist. If you’re still open to therapy, I’d highly suggest that you search for a counselor who specializes in mens’ issues.

treadmarks · 2024-01-25T18:34:16+00:00

This is very common in dating advice. People always try to avoid giving the hard truths, because it's uncomfortable and potentially insulting. That's the exact idea of the red pill: disturbing and uncomfortable truths. It point blank tells guys you're too ugly and you don't make enough money. Therapists or other professional "advice givers" won't tell you this because they don't want to insult and turn away clients.

Confronting hard, scary, disturbing truths is how to achieve major growth as a person. If it was comforting and easy, you've probably already achieved it. If you want to level up you've got to win the boss fight.

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-01-25T19:49:57+00:00

This is not an advice subreddit. We aren't here to fix you. That is not what here is for.

That's the apparently new-to-you concept that I offer you.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-01-25T20:22:38+00:00

Therapy isn't supposed to make people date you. It's supposed to help you accept satisfaction of your own company.

TotalTravesty · 2024-01-25T20:46:46+00:00

If you don’t want to go to therapy, don’t go to therapy. But if a stranger or casual acquaintance gave enough of a damn about you to suggest self-care—even if it was just to get you off their back—and you thumb your nose at them, congratulations! You’ve probably pissed away all the care anyone was going to have for you. Enjoy being ignored and disregarded as nothing more than “that guy who just wants to complain.”

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KayRay1994 · 2024-01-25T19:48:17+00:00

it feels like you’re arguing with a bit of a straw man here. Nobody responds to “i want to date more” with “go to therapy” - it’s often when said struggling person gets into their weird pill related theorizing that’s clearly based off internal issues.

Also, therapy will help you with dating… though not directly, and you have to remember that therapy alone isn’t enough and a therapist won’t fix you. A therapist is more akin to a coach, you still have to get in the game and execute, though a coach can help guide you.

Ultimately therapy is important because if you do use it to support resolving your own issues, and that understanding yourself as you are still means you’re flawed and could still grow, you will be more willing to do things you weren’t willing to do before - your social and personal life will grow because you’re no longer limiting yourself - but no, it isn’t a golden ticket that will help you dating, and looking at it as such will only lead to failure.

Therapy is helpful, and even important to some - but it will not directly help you with dating - it will, at best, help you help yourself and will guide you towards a path of internal healing, and as you heal and develop a better foundation of yourself, your dating life will slowly, but surely improve.

apresonly · 2024-01-25T19:59:20+00:00

therapy isn't a magic pill

it can take many, many years to improve some people's ingrained ideas of self-worth, childhood trauma, toxic habits, etc

you have to work on it over time, not just show up a few times and then say it didn't work

obviously not every mentally healthy man automatically gets a girlfriend but yes, being overly defensive, aggressive, egotistical, or having communication issues is going to prevent you from being a desirable partner.

commentasaurus1989 · 2024-01-25T20:11:54+00:00

Quit being a pussy, stop playing video games, go to the gym, get good at something that’s economically and socially useful.

Shower.

There u go

namey_9 · 2024-01-25T20:15:42+00:00

What do you want out of dating that you're not getting?

Also, are you dating and just not meeting anyone who ends up interested in continuing past the first date or not getting any first dates or not trying to date at all right now or what?

Mobrowncheeks · 2024-01-26T14:00:42+00:00

You can always use red pill. Knowledge, that doesn’t mean she’s going for you things like “ you can’t negotiate attention.” Unforced this

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boom-wham-slam · 2024-01-25T19:34:55+00:00

It's honestly the right answer because look blue pill men will whine and moan... here I am red pill as fuck slaying out here. I can tell blue pill men how to get better results but it's not a magic bullet. None of it is easy. So they don't want to do it and still keep complaining. So if you complain about something but won't do something about it, therapy seems a reasonable suggestion. And yes therapy won't make dating better but maybe it will make you actually admit you're doing something wrong and then do something about it? We can hope. That's my personal logic when I occasionally use get therapy as a response to some men on this particular topic.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-01-26T00:39:44+00:00

If mental health problems are making you struggle with self-care, a homebody, or noticeably unstable, then I’d say therapy could help you with dating. Otherwise, probably not, more likely to help you maintain an existing relationship vs getting a new one. Therapy isn’t a cure-all but does help some people.

No-Lynx657 · 2024-01-26T02:33:25+00:00

Be honest, you dont want solutions you want to vent and be heard and that's it

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Pathosgrim · 2024-01-25T20:09:27+00:00

You don't need therapy. Just become selfish and improve yourself from there. Remove the concept of fairness from your life and treat others as such. Put yourself first and abandon morality.Get yours and Enjoy the decline!

coping_man · 2024-01-25T22:24:40+00:00

usually laymen can understand you better than most licensed therapists anyways

volleyballbeach · 2024-01-25T22:52:40+00:00

Anything new for you on what? Getting good applicable advice requires specifics

AceOfSpadesGymBro4 · 2024-01-26T12:16:54+00:00

I think you are missing the point big time. The reason someone might suggest therapy if you are having dating issues, isn't because you weren't getting as many matches on apps or because a couple of girls ghosted you after a first date.

If someone says go to therapy, it's because they sense you have distorted views of yourself and the world, which are actively keeping you in a low self esteem, low self confidence, bitter state that is actually unattractive to others.

You can say that assholes, criminals and narcissists get laid all the time, but you are missing the point. Assholes, criminals and narcissists are often more successful than you are because they are not afraid to go after what they want and they have high self esteem. They like who they are. The issue with sexually unsuccessful men is that they really dislike who they are on a very deep level.

This is something I can see very clearly from pretty much any guy who posts here claiming he is unsuccessful sexually. They continuously treat themselves like crap, consider themselves inferior, worthless, inadequate, etc. It's clear as day to anyone but them. And it's clear as day that this is their largest impediment no matter how much they try to convince themselves that it's their height or looks.

Therapy isn't designed to make you into a better human being with high morals and ethics. The primary goal of therapy is to help you feel better about yourself and to have a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost.

Leaving-trunk2 · 2024-01-26T17:32:54+00:00

Being yourself and being mentally healthy are not indicators of your success with women. Unhealthy psychos who know what women want get laid all the time. I would say that not giving a shit what people think and being a chameleon are great for getting laid and that’s like textbook sociopathy.

KamuiObito · 2024-01-26T17:46:41+00:00

Women in general just be yappin. They don’t actually experience these things relationships wise. Most people who told me to go to therapy were women i was being critical of. They hate criticism and have what i call women only experience, like how being vulnerable isnt a turn off for us, but it is for them. Just a difference in brain chemistry.

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-01-26T19:06:34+00:00

I dont see people blindly recommending therapy too often here. I myself only say it when its clear the person has mental health problems or issues (lets be honest, alot of people here fall under this, normal people are repelled by PPD men, I see this place as reality TV) I certainly dont say that to other people.

You may be seeing this because alot of the men on this forum are really socially and emotionally inept and/or have hatred and anger issues. I assure you out in the real world women dont do this.

sexual_powerhouse · 2024-01-27T04:48:50+00:00

Therapy is pretty useless if you have a lot of self-awareness. But drugs from a psychiatrist? Different ball game.

DisplacedBitzer · 2024-01-27T04:57:29+00:00

Hit the gym, invest in skincare, get a new haircut. Look into men’s fashion, get yourself some new hobbies. Improved looks will get the dates, hobbies/interests will keep the dates interested. If that doesn’t work there’s no hope in your current dating market, at that point move to a more favorable one.(majority young women city for instance like NY, or foreign country)

The therapy line is just a fuck off line, plenty of broken people date just fine.

Title	Dating advice, therapy bait-and-switch
Author	Ok-Principle-3785
Upvotes	47
Comments	638
Date	January 25, 2024 4:00 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/19fcloz/dating_advice_therapy_baitandswitch/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dating-advice-therapy-bait-and-switch.1243784 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243784

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